Hello everyone! I'm baaaaaack! I bet that makes you wish you had a different hobby!
I don't have a lot of things to say today. I'd like to extend my deepest sympathies to David and his family in their time of loss.
I've been wondering, do you all like a weekly chapter of this size, or would you prefer something longer every other week? Please let me know.
Disclaimer: I have no knowledge of NSYNC, anyone affiliated with them, or any other celebrities that may appear here. This is a work of fiction, so any mention of sexual orientations/habits or personalities are made up by me! If you are offended by stories about relationships between men, or are too young to legally read such things, please leave.
A Light in the Tunnel
Chapter 22
As the bus rumbled it's way down the interstate, Joey slept fitfully, waking up every few minutes or so. He wasn't plagued by nightmares, insomnia, or illness, but by concern. Even though his bunk was completely dark, he imagined he could see Burke's face, the rise and fall of his chest. Across the narrow aisle, he heard someone rustling around, then the soft thump of their feet hitting the carpet. "Lance," he whispered, knowing which of them would be up that early.
"Yeah, Joe?"
"He's in here with me."
"Oh, ok. I was just about to ask that. Is everything alright?"
"I don't know. I'll ask later." With a pained sigh, Burke drew closer to his brother, tightening his arms around the man. "Shh, it's alright, little man. I'm here. Just sleep." He hugged Burke, relieved to feel the tension leaving the teen's slender arms. Whatever's going on, Joey thought to himself, I'm going to make it better.
"Joey?" came a small, drowsy voice.
"I'm here, little man."
"Thank you."
"Not a problem. I'm going to get up now. You just lay here and rest."
"OK." Joey untangled himself, and crawled over Burke, slipping out of the bunk, then drawing the curtain closed.
"You look like shit, Joe."
He frowned at Chris. "Burke woke me up in the middle of the night. I think he had a nightmare or something."
"He should've gotten me up."
Lance fiddled with the coffee maker. "Of course he didn't wake you up. If he was scared of something, it makes sense he would go to Joe."
"But I'm his father. It's my job."
"Yeah, but Joe makes him feel safe. Like the bodyguards do for us."
"That's crazy!" Joey stammered.
"Is it? We're a family, and, as far as Burke's concerned, we all have a different function. Chris, you're the dad, and Josh is his boyfriend. Justin is sort of like the big brother he idolizes. Joe, you are the strong, protective brother. I'm the quiet, serious one. He knows we can have an honest conversation. So, it makes sense that it was Joe's bunk he crawled into. It also means that he probably won't want to talk about whatever was bothering him last night. If he did, he would have gone to someone else."
"But he can talk to me! I'm more than a bodyguard!"
"I get it, Lance. Joe, last night Burke wanted to feel safe. You do that for him. Yes, he can talk to you, but at that moment he needed you in another way."
"Hey Justin. Can I talk to you for a minute?" "Sure Jayce. What's up?" The men sat at the bus' kitchen table, listening to the movie coming from the lounge. Josh had been a little distracted that morning, adding to the somber air they all felt. "It's about Burke. I don't know who else to talk to about this. We've been friends for a long time, right?" "That's a stupid question, Josh. We've been friends for like forever. What's going on? I'll try to help, even if all I can do is listen." "Thanks, Curly. You know that Burke and me are getting closer to--you know. That's what I've been thinking about. At least part of it. I'm worried, Justin." "Worried? About what? We all know Burke loves you to death." "I know. To almost everyone, I'm JC Chasez. But what if plain, old Josh isn't good enough? What if me, when you take away the spotlights and fans, isn't good enough for Burke? There are other people, smarter and better looking ones out there." "Josh, you're a great guy. What more could anyone want?" The man's eyebrows dropped, knitting together as he frowned. "A lot, Curly. Lance is so much smarter than me. I can write some music when the mood strikes, but I can't do all the stuff he does. And at your worst, you are still better looking than I am on my best day. I just don't see how I can ever measure up when there are people so much better than me. I'm afraid he's settling until that person comes along." "Listen to me, dude. Burke and I love each other. I won't deny that for a minute. But it's not the same thing you have with each other. Burke is my little brother. With him, I'm not the little kid anymore. I get the chance to pass on all that you guys have taught me. Are you worried about the time we spend together?" Josh shrugged, not admitting or denying. "Don't. For starters, nothing could or would ever happen between me and him." "But Joe--" "Joe takes care of him, Josh. He makes Burke feel safe and secure. Look at it like this. When you have a problem, who do you talk to? Most of the time." "Lance." "And when you want to goof off or act like an idiot?" "Joe or you." "Does that mean Lance is only good for serious things? Or Joe is only good for being silly?" "No, I can goof off with Lance and-" his voice dropped off. "Oh. I see what you mean. But what about the rest? The sex part. What if I do something wrong and hurt him?" "Then you'll have to deal with that when and if it happens. But let me tell you one thing. I will *not* be giving you lessons! You have to figure out the rest yourself!" Josh tried not to smile, but his lips broke into a grin. "Don't worry about it, bro. You love Burke, and Burke loves you. Everything else will just fall into place." "How'd you get so smart, Curly?" "I've had to listen to you all these years. Sooner or later something had to sink in!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Burke stared out the window, a smile plastered to his face, as the bus rolled to a stop at the custom's gate on the Canadian border. "Someone's going to think we hit a really big, strange looking bug," Justin giggled. "I'd hate to see what your face looks like with it pressed up against the glass!" "Leave me alone, Justin! I've never been to Canada before. Do I need to get my heavy coat out?" "It's fall, bro. I don't think you'll need it quiet yet." "What are you looking at, Burke?" Chris asked as he walked into the lounge. "Canada. Isn't it beautiful?" Justin and Chris shared an amused glance. "Yes, son, it is. But you do realize that there isn't a big change in scenery from one side of the border to the other, don't you?" "I'm not stupid, dad." The boy paused a few moments, searching the line of booths ahead of them. "Why aren't there any horses?" "Horses?" "For the Mounties. The police people are called the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Shouldn't there be horses for them to be mounted?" Chris, trying to hold in his laughing, failed, roaring at the hilarity of his son's questioning. "Burkey boy, you crack me up! These are just border patrol people." The teen huffed. "But if you want to see Mounties, I'll make sure you do. I just hope you aren't expecting Brendan Frasier riding backwards." "Dad!" he moaned. "I'm going to be quiet and enjoy this. You all are teasing me." "Only because we love you, bro. We've been doing this a long time, so I guess we're a little jaded. When we talk Johnny next, why don't you see if he'll route us past Niagara Falls? We may not be able to stop for long, but at least you'll be able to see them." Burke's eyes brightened as he pictured the waterfalls. "That's a great idea!" "I thought so." They had been going out of their way to keep Burke happy and occupied, trying to draw him out of hours of silent thought. He hadn't mentioned his foray into Joey's bed, though they had all asked, but his smiling, excited face was better than a scowl. What they hadn't counted on, however, was Josh's anxious brooding. He had spent more time than usual within the sealed confines of his bunk, his face serious and blank when he was out. "Justin," Burke muttered as they passed by customs and continued on their way to Ontario, Chris going to talk to Lance, "did I do something to make Josh mad?" "No. I just think he's tired. You know how much he likes to sleep, and touring doesn't allow him to do that." Burke's lips curved into a frown. "You shouldn't lie to people if you suck at it, Just." His bottom lip began to quiver. In a small, strained voice, he asked his question again. "No, you haven't made him mad, Burke. Something is bothering him right now. I tried to talk some sense into him, but it's taking a while to sink in. I can't tell you more than that since it's his business." "I know what's bothering him?" "Really?" "Yeah. He's trying to figure out how to break up with me. After that night a while back, things have been different between us. He doesn't like me anymore, not in that way, and he's trying to figure out how to call it off." "Burke--" "He's perfect, Just, at least in my eyes. How can I measure up to someone like that? I'm not talking about being famous or anything. How can I measure up to the man Josh is? I'm just a stupid kid, and he deserves so much better than me. Besides, I'm a virgin. I don't know anything about keeping him happy, that way." Wiping his eyes, Burke's gaze turned toward the bank of bunks. "Maybe I should go tell him that everything's ok. He's my brother above all else, and I don't want to lose that." Justin snickered, hiding his grin behind his hands. "What? I'm being serious here!" "Sorry, bro, but this is too funny! You two *do* need to talk. When you have a private moment together, I want you to tell him exactly what you just told me. I think he'll understand everything you are feeling better than you think. And, no, for the record, he's not thinking about breaking up with you." Justin patted Burke's shoulder, and left the room. "What are you smiling for, Curly?" Joey asked as the young singer plopped down next to him. "Burke and Jayce. They're both upset about the same thing, but they haven't discovered it yet." "Are you talking about why Burke crawled into bed with me and why Josh hasn't gotten out of bed for most of the day?" "Yup. They're worried that they aren't good enough for the other one. That, and there's a lot of sexual tension between the two of them. Scared tension." "I know them pretty well, Curly, and I don't think they'll sit down and talk this out. They'll be too stubborn and embarrassed. It looks like we're going to have to step in." Justin's smile was only tempered by the wrinkling of his nose. "I'm not sure I want to set my best friends up like that. It makes me feel like a pimp or something. Oh wait!" he chuckled, "I *am* a pimp!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lance jumped off the stage and went in search of a bottle of water, sweat pouring down his face. The green room was closest, so he ducked in there, hoping the mini-fridge had been stocked. Sitting on one of the couches, Burke was bent over, intently studying a book in his lap. "Homework?" The boy looked up, not noticing anyone had come in. He held the book up so Lance could read the cover. "Hmm, the Bible." "I sorta borrowed yours. I hope you don't mind." "Of course not. Anything in particular you're looking for? I might be able to give you some verses or something." Burke's throat worked, choking down a few silent gulps. Lance went to the closed door and locked it, then sat down next to him. "Let's talk about it. Maybe I can help you find the answer you're looking for." "It's just that--that--You know the Bible pretty good, right?" "I guess so." "I'm going to hell," Burke muttered. "Ah, now I see. Josh and I had this talk a long time ago. Now it's your turn. The Bible says a lot of things, Burke. Sometimes those things contradict themselves. And sometimes we overlook certain parts because it hinders our beliefs. For instance, it says that women should sit in the back of church and not make a sound. My momma would rather not go to church than have to do that. She loves to sing and pray and say 'Amen' to just about everything the preacher says. Do you want to hear what I believe?" Burke nodded slowly. "I consider myself a Christian, which means a follower of Christ. Jesus talked a lot about loving other people. In all the sermons he gave, he never said one thing about gay people going to hell. He is the son of God, so why didn't he say anything if they were? Wouldn't he want to save their souls too? Love is the most important thing." "You're saying that it's ok to love Josh?" "I think so. Jesus talked about things he considered evil, and being gay wasn't one of them." "But isn't being gay and acting on it two different things?" Lance rubbed his chin, thinking about his answer. "Yes, they are. My opinion is that, eventually, everyone feels the need to express the love they have for someone else. I think sex is sacred, that it is the ultimate expression of love. Not everyone thinks the same way, and that's ok. It's just my opinion." "I think I agree with you, Lance, but--" His cheeks flamed crimson. "But what, Burke?" "What if I have sex and I turn into some kind of animal? What if it's all I want and I stop caring about who it's with? What if I'm bad like that?" "Did your mother tell you that would happen?" He nodded, not meeting Lance's eyes. "I thought so. Burke, you are a good person. It's not going to happen, so just put it out of your mind. I can honestly tell you, without a doubt, that you'll never, *ever* be like that. You don't have the personality to hop from bed to bed." "You think so?" he asked hopefully. "I *know* so." A knock came at the door. "Lance, Burke? One of you in there?" "You feel better now?" "Yeah, Lance. Thank you." "No problem." He got up and let the others in. "What were you all doing in here?" "Just discussing theology. Burke had a question about Christianity and I tried to give him some answers." The blond gave his little brother a sly wink, letting him know their talk was private. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin and Joey hovered in a dark corner of the arena, both whispering while keeping an eye out for anyone who might overhear their plotting. They felt the need to take action. Neither wanted their friends to suffer, even if it was from stubbornness, so they had to step in with what they hoped was a sure fire cure. "Ok, Just, what have you come up with?" "Well, after we finish here, there's a show in Buffalo, two in Boston, and then we're in New York for a week. That's a lot of time in one place, and there are tons of things to do there. I'm thinking we could arrange some private time for them." "Sweet! I know lots of places they could go. The best restaurants, romantic spots. Except-" "What?" "We're going to have to tell Chris about this, at least part of it. If we try to put them in a room together, he'll want to know why." Justin's tongue snaked into the corner of his lips, thinking of a valid excuse. "Why don't we just tell him the truth? Well, most of it. We can just say that they need some time to talk through some relationship problems. That's pretty much what we're planning, right?" Joey nodded. "OK, so we can make some dinner reservations, and get the hotel rooms switched around so they can share. Maybe send something from room service to get them to relax." "No alcohol," the larger man stated. "Burke isn't old enough, and Chris would kill us if we had a hand in him getting drunk." "Oh yeah. OK, scrap that part. I think we should get Lance involved in this. He always points out the little details." They broke for a moment, searching for their friend, then pulling him into their impromptu meeting. "OK, guys, what are you up to? I know that look on your faces." "You know what's going on with Burke and Josh, right?" Lance's head bobbed in confirmation. "Well, we want to set some things up so they'll have a chance to talk about it. We'll be in New York for a week, and that gives them plenty of time without feeling rushed." "And you need me why?" "Because, Lansten, you're such a great planner." "Don't try to suck up to me, Joe. What do you want me to do?" "Just help us iron out the details." During their break before the concert, the three men sat with their heads together, jotting down the specifics of their scheme. The hotel rooms, they decided, would be easy to fix. They usually got a five room suite, but it would be fine to get a four room and a double. Dinner reservations were only a matter of calling. Lance proved helpful since he had already memorized their schedule for that week, and was able to give free times. Movie and theater tickets would be bought, even if the men didn't go to the shows, and flowers and such could be gotten easily. "What about a couple of fancy places?" "That works for me. But what about clothes for all of this?" Justin smiled widely. "Leave that to me! When it comes to shopping, Burke and I are attached at the hip. I'll convince him to go with me, and we'll pick up a few things. If we went to a tuxedo place, do you think they could transfer the measurements and everything to a place in New York?" "They should." "Sweet. I'll just tell Burke that we're getting ready for award shows. He's reasonable, so he'll understand not wanting to be caught unprepared." "Uh, guys?" Lance's cheeks were bright pink. "I know the goal of all this is for them to talk about all their worries and everything, but what about the stuff that might happen after they clear the air?" "Oh," Joe muttered, realizing what Lance meant. "Well, I hadn't given that part much thought." "We've already agreed that there will be no alcohol involved. Even though Josh *does* need some help to loosen up." Justin's mouth clapped shut, his hands going to his face. Joey and Lance were equally startled. "I didn't mean it that way! I didn't! I meant that he is so serious about things, and needs to relax!" They all laughed as he tried to defend and explain his words. "It's alright, Justin! But what are we going to do about it? Josh has had sex before, though it's been a while, but Burke hasn't." They sat silent, all trying to come up with a solution. Joey's eyes brightened and he snapped his fingers. "I'll call Steve!" he smiled, speaking of his brother. "I'll explain what we're trying to do, and he can go pick up some stuff." "I'm not sure your brother will want to get involved in this, Joe." "Sure he will. I'll just lie and say we're pulling a prank on Lance or something. He'll do just about anything to help with that!" "Anything else?" Lance asked, looking over the vague list they had made. "I don't think so. We're just giving them a push. The rest is up to Burke and Josh. But if we think of anything, we'll just try to get it ready." "Who's going to talk to Chris?" Lance volunteered for the job. "I will. If I say it's a good idea, he'll trust my judgment. But I'm *not* going to give him all the details." "Smart man," Justin chuckled. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chris, after hearing the parts of the plan disclosed to him, was fully aboard, willing to be a co-conspirator to anything to help his son be happy. He even offered to use his parental influence to convince Burke that he needed a tuxedo for future events. "Burke, I want you to go with Justin." "But why? I don't need a tux." "Sure you do. There are times when we'll go to award shows and stuff, and you'll need one for those." Burke emphatically shook his head. "Yes. You're part of our family, son. I want you there when important things happen. I want to be able to hug you when an announcer calls our names. It's important to me." "Really?" he asked with wonder in his voice. "Yes. Justin is going to take you to a place to get your measurements, then they're going to send them on to a shop in New York. We'll pick it up when we're there next week." "Ok, but only because it's important to you and I love you." "Thanks, Burke. And I love you too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A cold drizzle blurred the world, driving the inhabitants of Boston under umbrellas, folded newspapers, and brief cases. Very few people were out as Justin, with Burke in tow, scrambled into a cab waiting outside their hotel. Things were still tense between the boy and Josh, though both of them tried not to let on to there being any problems. Justin was excited, not only because he was about to hit a mall, but also because it was only a few days before his, Joey, and Lance's plans went into effect. They hoped all the silence and worry would be obliterated during the next week. Everything was waiting for their arrival. "Where's the sun?" Burke whined, gazing out the car's window. "It's been raining since we left Ontario." "Look on the bright side, bro. The rain keeps a bunch of people from being at the mall! We'll practically have the whole place to ourselves!" Burke smiled at the thought. His grin was also for Justin's exuberance. The man got excited every time they went shopping, even if it was only for shampoo. "Are we looking for something in particular?" Burke asked as he wiped rain drops from his forehead and scanned the mall directory. "Yes and no." All morning, Justin had been giving vague, mysterious answers. It made Burke a little nervous. "Come on, we're wasting valuable buying time!" "Justin, I am *not* getting leather pants!" The curly haired singer looked up from the rack he was poking through, a shocked expression on his face. "Why not? You'll look good in them!" "No!" The man's lower lip stuck out. "Please? Just try them on. If you *really* don't like them, I'll put them back." Burke found it hard to resist Justin's pouting and pleading. "Alright, but I won't like them!" "What do you thing?" Justin asked eagerly. Burke stood in front of a full length mirror, looking over the outfit Justin had picked out. The shimmering, pewter silk shirt felt luxurious against his skin, and, much to his dismay, looked fantastic with the soft, sleek, black leather pants. Frustrated, he bit the inside of his cheek. "I like it," he muttered softly. Justin beamed. "Yes! I told you so!" He quickly commanded his brother to change into his regular clothes, wanting to but the pants before anyone had a chance to change their mind. They scavenged most of the mall, Burke serving mostly as model and bag carrier. Though he protested at the amount of things they bought, he relented because of the sheer pleasure Justin was getting from the trip. He loved the gleam of glee in his eyes every time a few outfit appeared. "Here, try this shirt on." Burke skeptically eyed the shirt Justin held out. That particular store catered to club clothes. He reluctantly took it and disappeared into the dressing room, returning a moment later with a horrified look on his face. "Justin," he growled in a whisper, trying not to draw attention their way, "it's see through!" His arms were protectively crossed over his chest. "Only partly see through. Let me get a good look at you." He pulled Burke's arms down, and walked around him, inspecting. "You look sort of hot in it, bro." "No, Just." "Yes, Burke. We'll probably hit a club or two when we're in New York. Some of them let people your age in. You don't want to look out of place, do you?" "Well," he sighed, knowing Justin had, once again, backed him into a corner. He gazed at his reflection in the mirror. The red shirt clung to his body, looking pale as his skin showed through the color. "I'm too skinny to wear something like this." "Not at all. Most of the time you wear stuff that covers up your body. You aren't really all that buff, but that makes you look like you've got a body like a runner or something. Trim." "Skinny," Burke added. "I don't like it. It's red." Justin smiled, knowing he had won another battle. "They also have it in black and blue. Which one do you want?" As they got ready to leave the last store, Justin pulled out his cell phone and called one of their vans to come pick them up. They simply had too many bags to make taking a cab feasible. "Clean out the place?" Joey laughed as the two young men got back. "We're prepared for every and all situations that may come up," Justin replied, giving his friend a sly wink. Though he was mostly showing off the stuff he had gotten for Burke, Justin made a point of displaying every single article of clothing and accessories. "Looks good. You know, one of these days we're going to have to get a separate bus just to hold all the clothes you guys are picking up." "Wardrobe," Justin joked. "Once we get Burke's tux, he'll be set for a while. Provided that he doesn't grow any more." "I'm as tall as I'm going to get. I'll be this size for the rest of my life. Unless I get fat, which isn't going to happen." "You ought to seem him that blue shirt," Justin mentioned as Josh walked into the room. "He's going to have to beat the admirers off with a stick." "Not all of us, I hope," Josh smiled coyly. Burke lowered his eyes, blushing, then shyly gazed at his boyfriend. "Not all of you. I might have to beat you if you don't pay attention, though." "That won't be necessary." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That's all for now! I'm sorry for getting this out late. I don't have an excuse. I just didn't get it done on time. Please let me know what you think of my posting schedule. Next time: NSYNC invades New York! What developments await Burke and Josh once caught in their friends' carefully laid nets? I'd love to hear your thought and opinions. You can reach me at cameronwriter@hotmail.com Always, Cameron