First and foremost, I want to wish each of you a very happy New Year. May all your dreams find fruition in 2003. 2002 has been an interesting time for me, but I must say that writing this story, and hearing from all of you, has been the high point. Thank you all for being so supportive of me while writing something that, at many times, is emotionally taxing. My map of readers is global! I cannot begin to express how much that amazes me!
This story comes with my usual disclaimer: I do not know NSYNC, anyone affiliated with them, or any other celebrities that may appear within these pages. That said, it can be correctly assumed that I have no knowledge of their sexual orientations/habits or personalities. This is a work of fiction. If you are offended by stories involving relationships between men, please leave. That advice goes to all those not of legal age.
A Light in the Tunnel:
Chapter 6
Stunned into silence, Burke traipsed back into the house. Chris, having heard Joey's confession, stood idly by, a playful smirk on his face. "He did say that you came in under budget."
"But--but-"
"But what, Burke?"
"Never mind. You'll just tease me about it. I'm going to bed, if that's alright."
"Of course it is. You're welcome to go to bed anytime you want. This isn't prison, it's your home. And, no, I wouldn't tease you for something you had to say--unless it's funny." Burke glanced at him, not sure if that was a believable statement. "Anyway, I thought we'd get up and do a little grocery shopping in the morning before your stuff arrives. I didn't know what kinds of food you liked, so I didn't really stock up. Sound good?"
"Sure. I'm not too picky though. You could've bought just about anything, and I would have eaten it."
"Probably, but this way I know first hand. And we're due to be over at Joe's mom's house at 6:30 tomorrow night."
"Will she really try to feed me all the time?"
Chris cackled. "Yes, she will, but you get used to it pretty quick. She's an amazing cook."
"Ok. Good night Chris."
"G'night Burke. See you in the morning."
Walking up and done the aisles of the grocery store, Burke and Chris humorously argued over buying name brand or generic foods. When Burke would drop a box into their cart, Chris would take it out, replacing it with the more expensive version. Swinging through the produce section left Chris racked with laughter after Burke explained his pickiness over fruits. He drank orange juice, but hated anything else orange flavored, detested all things apple and watermelon, and ate grapes but not grape juice or grape candies or jelly. Feeling safe, Chris piled a bunch of bananas into the cart. Burke threatened to move out when Chris added veal cutlets, ranting about the treatment of the animals. Crowded by more than a dozen bags, they squeezed into Chris' car, the trip proving more hilarious than practical. They had barely put the food away when the furniture arrived. So as not to keep the deliverymen busy all day, Burke insisted that they just take things to his room and that he would arrange them afterwards. Grunting and groaning, he chipped in with the carrying up stairs. Before they started moving things into place, Chris and Burke measured and drew scale models of the room and furniture, figuring out where everything would eventually go. That done and decided upon, they set to work. Chris produced some tools and put the bed together while Burke pushed the dresser into place. They flopped the mattress and box springs onto the bed frame, and set the nightstands on each side of it. The bookcase was set up, and the lamps plugged in. They made the bed, hung curtains, and set out all the things Justin had insisted were necessary. Collapsing onto the bed, Burke looked around the room. "Hey, what's wrong?" Chris asked when he returned from getting something for them to drink, discovering Burke sobbing. "What's wrong, Burke?" "Nothing," he sniffled. "It's just that I always wanted a room like this, pretty and stuff. We could never afford it, and when we could, I always made sure the money was spent on something or someone more important than me. I guess I'm just happy." "Don't cry, Burke. Things are different for you now. You are important to me, to all of us, and I'm going to make sure you have everything you need or want. It's a job I want more than anything." Burke wiped his eyes with the hem of his shirt. "I never really had a dad. Did you know that?" "Yeah. I can't imagine what that must have been like. No one to teach you all the things fathers are supposed to pass on to their sons, no one to make you feel safe when you think there's a monster in your closet. Hell, you didn't even have a mom to do those things, not really." Burke turned away. "I'm sorry. It just makes me upset. If I have kids one day, I'm going to make sure, every day of their lives, to let them know exactly how much I love them. Kids deserve that, and so do you." "Chris?" "Yeah?" "Never mind, it's stupid." "Go ahead, ask. I promise I won't make fun of you or anything." "I was wondering if--if maybe I could pretend that--you're my dad?" Chris stared at him thoughtfully. "I'm sorry. I told you it was stupid. Forget I said it." He struggled to get up, wanting to get away, but Chris reached out, grabbing his arm. "Don't, Burke. I don't think that's stupid at all. In fact, I'm glad to hear you asking for something that you need. I'm incredibly flattered, and I'd be happy if we treated each other like that. You are amazing, and I'd be proud to call you my own." They shared joyous tears as they fell into each other's arms. Nothing else was accomplished the rest of the day, the two of them relaxing and sticking close to one another. Every time Burke would look over at Chris, his eyes would water, and the same thing happened when Chris gazed at the young man. Determined to look like he fit in, Burke laid out on the deck, searching for alligators first, trying to get a tan like most of the other people he had seen. Chris interrupted his lounging with a light meal, saying that eating heavy would only insult their hostess later. "Burke? Treasure troll? Where are you guys?" Burke snickered as Chris' ears turned red. "On the deck, Joe," he yelled. Joey appeared moments later. "Hey guys. What's going on?" "Burke is trying to get a tan, and I'm working on some business stuff." "Coolness. Get your room all set up?" Burke nodded, jumping up from his chair and quickly pulling on his shirt. He took Joey's arm and drug him into the house, leading him to the closed door of his bedroom. Burke walked in, Joey following closely behind. "Wow! This looks great! Do you like it?" "Yes! Thank you so much, Joey!" "You're welcome. I'm just glad it turned out alright. Is there anything else you need for in here?" "I don't think so. The bookcase will look less empty once I unpack my stuff." "Good. Well, are you ready to go eat a lot of food?" "I guess. Do you think your mom will like me?" "No, she won't like you." Burke's face twisted in horror. "She'll love you. Calm down, little man, everything will be fine. Just eat until you think you'll explode, then eat a little more! Come on, we'll get over there before she has all the food finished. It'll give you a chance to meet people without your mouth being full." Phyllis Fatone was enamored by Burke the moment he walked through her door. When he tried to call her ma'am, she quickly demanded that he call her mamma since everyone else did. After meeting Joey's father and brother, Burke was ushered off to the kitchen, the woman fussing about how skinny he was. Taking a seat at the island bar, Phyllis began offering a spoonful of everything simmering on her stove, asking if Burke thought it tasted alright. Burke honestly raved over each dish, startled when she commenced pulling more bowls from the refrigerator. "Joseph, Jr., Christopher! Get in here!" "Mamma, you're going to fill Burke up before supper is ready." Phyllis shooed her son. "Nonsense. He's a growing boy." As the others straggled in, Burke was released from the kitchen, dinner almost ready. He helped Justin set the table, then sat, sandwiched between Joey and his mother. They ate, and talked, and ate some more, the mountains of food slowly dwindling away. Laughter echoed through the house as Joseph, Sr. told stories of his childhood, Phyllis throwing in some of her sons for good measure. Several hours later, they left, Burke feeling as if his pants would rip at any moment. On his lap sat a huge bowl of leftover spaghetti and smaller dishes of things he had particularly liked. He stared out the window, his mind clouded and jumbled. "Penny for you thoughts?" Chris offered, turning down the radio. "Just thinking about something." "That's obvious. Care to tell me what it is?" "Phyllis said something as we were leaving. That it was nice having a grandkid to spoil." "Why is that bothering you? You are part of our little family, and that makes you part of our larger families." "I was just thinking about how wonderful it felt to be part of something, then I felt bad because it wasn't my own family." "Burke, this is something I've learned from some very wise people. Sometimes the family you create yourself is a million times better than the family you were born with. Just look at it that way." "Phyllis told me I should call her nonna. Joe says that's Italian for grandmother. It just doesn't seem polite." "I think it would be rude if you called her something she didn't like. Sort of like calling me sir. If she says it's ok, then go with it. Anything else?" "Justin said he was kidnapping me tomorrow. He wants to go shopping or something." "That will be fun. He knows where all the good stores are at. Remind me before you leave, and I'll give you some money." "Chris, I don't-" "Remember what we talked about this afternoon? You are like my son, Burke, and it's my job. Just make sure he doesn't drag you into a rough neighborhood. Sometimes Justin doesn't pay attention." Smiling at Chris' affirmation of their bond, Burke agreed. Instead of heading straight home, Chris swung by an ATM, withdrawing money just in case he didn't have enough in his wallet. "This little expedition doesn't count against your allowance, but it will next time." "Yes, poppa," Burke mocked. Chris didn't retort, but ruffled Burke's hair, grinning. "Ugh! Don't do that!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Are you ready?" Justin asked, bouncing on the balls of his feet like a boxer. Burke finished tying his shoes, suddenly nervous. "Come on, daylight is wasting!" Burke held onto the car's dashboard as Justin swerved in and out of traffic, shooting across two lanes without looking or signaling. By the time they screeched to a stop in front of a mall, Burke's hands were shaking and he had come close to passing out on several occasions. "Justin, I can't wear these," Burke whined from under the pile Justin had loaded his arms with. "Why not? The colors will look good on you. Is it the styles?" "They're fine, I guess. The colors are just really bright. I can't wear them." "Why not?" "Too much attention." Justin's forehead wrinkled. "That's not a bad thing." "Yes it is. I don't usually wear things like that." "Oh, I get it." Justin hung the clothes up, then pulled Burke into a secluded nook. "I want to talk to you about something really quick." "What's up?" "When you told everyone you wanted to move here, you said it was because you wanted to grow as a person. How can you grow if you don't try new things? You've left behind some horrible stuff, dude. Why not jump into your new life? It's waiting for you." Burke scooted his foot over the thin carpet. He knew Justin had a point. No one that hurt him was around. He had a father for the first time in as long as he could remember, and guys that seemed genuinely interested in him. This was a new life for him, a chance to be something other than a timid castoff. "I guess you're right." Justin pumped his fist in the air as if he had scored the game winning basket. "Sweet! Let's do this!" They raced through a dozen stores, bags swinging from their arms. When Chris' money ran out, Justin insisted on continuing, dragging Burke along, his credit card blazing. When there were no more clothes to buy, Justin began looking for something else. He found it in a salon. Under Justin's close scrutiny, the stylist cut Burke's hair, then added blond highlights. "Oh God, Justin! This is so different!" "It looks good. Do you like it?" Burke studied his reflection. "I guess so. What will Chris think?" "Have you seen some of our hairstyles over the years? This is really calm, so I don't think you'll have to worry." "Thanks Justin." "For what? I didn't do anything." "You made me test the waters. I would have never done this," he gestured to his hair, "or bought some of those things." "Then you're welcome. Come on, let's grab something to eat, then we'll head back home."As if he were a new toy on Christmas morning, the guys seemed dedicated to spending every moment with Burke. Lance invited everyone over for a barbecue and pool party. Burke was happy he had gotten a swimsuit earlier. Much to his relief, Chris approved of his hair, as did the others, though Joey thought something more outrageous would have been good. While Lance gave Burke the grand tour of his sprawling house, the others started burgers.
On the balcony overlooking the back yard, Lance pointed to a set of lounge chairs. The look in his eyes scared Burke, thoughts of being unwanted blazing to life. "You don't want me here, do you?" he murmured, moving to the far side and gripping the white iron railings.
"Of course I do. It's just that I know there are some things you are afraid to tell people. I thought I'd offer to talk about them if you aren't ready to tell Chris. I'm a good listener."
"There are some secrets that you all can't know. It would screw up too many things."
"I doubt that. We all care about you Burke, and that's not going to change. I'm not going to force you into saying something, but I think getting all that off your chest will make stuff easier."
Burke squeezed his eyes shut, almost believing Lance. "You will hate me, everyone will hate me. My mother did."
"Oh Burke." Lance's voice cracked, "We're not your mother. You have to realize that. Even if it's something I don't like, I'll still be your friend. Nothing will change."
"Yes it will! I can't tell you, Lance. I just can't!"
"Shh," Lance cooed, wrapping his arms around the trembling boy. "You don't have to say anything. Turn around and look at me, Burke." Slowly, he obeyed. "I know we haven't worked our way up to the point of you trusting me, but anything you want to talk about will be kept between the two of us. Your secrets will be my secrets. Do you understand?" Burke nodded, determined to keep one secret to himself. Lance smiled. He hugged the teen, placing his mouth next to his ear. "Besides," he whispered, "I don't think any of the guys will have a problem with you being gay."
Burke shoved Lance away, his eyes wild in fright. "I'm not--why?--how?--you're wrong!"
"It's ok, Burke, it's ok. I don't hate you, and I guarantee none of the others will either."
"It makes me evil. The Bible says I'm going to hell."
Lance's face was pinched. "The Bible says a lot of things. It says that women should sit silently in the back of the church, and my momma would rather not go than be quiet. Some people say that the translations are messed up. Do you want to know my opinion? I think, as Christians, that we follow Christ's example. He preached love everywhere he went. His friends were people others didn't like. Love is a good thing, Burke. It isn't wrong. If you like guys more than girls, that's ok. Just as long as the love you have is pure."
"I'm never going to fall in love, Lance. Nobody will ever want me like that."
"You are so wrong. That's your mother and all those other people talking. One day a guy will come along and see how wonderful you are, and he'll snatch you up and make you so happy. I know that for a fact. You just have to wait until that time comes. Now, I really think you should tell Chris this."
"No! He'll kick me out!"
"No he won't. And if he does, I'll move you in here, then have a nice, long talk with him. But it won't happen, I promise. Burke, you should tell him. If you don't a wall will be built between you. Chris told me that you asked if he could be your dad. He was so excited about it! You don't want that relationship to suffer. He can't help you if he doesn't know the problem."
"Maybe."
"I won't force it. Now, I have a very serious question. Who is the best looking?" Lance snickered, letting Burke know he was only joking, the color returning to his face. "Let's head down before they send a search party out for us." Rejoining the party, Lance shook his head when Chris asked if anything was wrong.
Despite his lingering apprehension, the evening was fun, everyone playing in the pool. Lance set a radio out, and they serenaded each other when good songs came on. Justin won their diving contest, and Burke and Joey tied in races. Several times throughout the evening, Lance gave Burke a slight smile, gesturing that he should talk with Chris. They went ignored.
Justin's ingenious idea, they decided to use the grill for toasting marshmallows. Sitting around, air drying and stuffing their faces, Burke thought about what Lance had said. It was possible they wouldn't hate him, and it was possible he wasn't bad because he was gay. "Umm, guys?"
"What's up, little man?"
Burke looked to Lance, who moved across the deck to sit beside him. "I have something kind of important to tell you. Lance says it'll be alright, but I'm still scared to say it. I'm afraid that you won't want me around anymore."
"That's not going to happen, dude. You're my new shopping buddy!"
"Go ahead, Burke," Josh said, "we're behind you no matter what."
"It's just that-," his voice trailed off, unsure of himself.
"It's alright," Lance whispered, taking his hand.
"I'm gay," he blurted, waiting for the barrage of insults and fists to fly.
"Cool," Joey replied. "Can you pass me another marshmallow?"
"Joey! Shut up!" Justin hissed.
"What? Burke's gay, and I'm hungry."
"This is another of those serious moments ruined by Joey's apathy," Chris groaned before turning back to Burke. "Thank you for telling us Burke. I'm sure that was really hard for you to do. And, in case you still have doubts, I still love you."
Burke searched Justin and Josh's faces. "We're all good, dude," Justin smiled.
"Thanks for telling us," Josh added, "and, for the record, it doesn't matter one bit." Grinning, they gathered into a tight group, hugging Burke.
Up early again, Burke sat around the house watching trash TV. According to the show, Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey had gotten into a cat fight at a New York nightclub, aliens were building a shopping mall outside of Berkeley, California, and Cher was going back to the studio for another comeback album. "I can't believe you are watching this," Chris mumbled as he came into the living room. "There was nothing going on in the news, and I didn't feel up to making breakfast yet." "I've got that duty this morning. What do you want?" "Uh, just some toast and a bowl of cereal." "Then you get to fix that yourself. Go in the kitchen and eat." "Yes, poppa!" Pouring a bowl of frosted flakes, Burke hear Chris laughing hysterically in the other room. Figuring something funny was on the television, he poked his head in. "Sources close to the group are not commenting on the identity of the young man, but have said he is a close, personal friend," A voice spoke from the TV. "Who are they harassing now?" Burke asked, moving closer. He studied the screen for a moment, gasping when his picture appeared. It was of him and Chris buying groceries, then one of his shopping trip with Justin, and finally, all of them in the furniture store, Joey's arm around him. The camera zoomed onto the blond announcer, the shot around her reading BOYBAND'S BOY TOY. "As you can see, these images show NSYNC and the mysterious man looking very close. This further enflames rumors circulating around the group concerning their sexuality." "Hey, you've made the rumor mills!" Chris cackled. "Stop it! I knew this would happen! I would come down here and mess up your lives! I've screwed everything up!" Before Chris could stop him, Burke raced up to his room, slamming the door behind him. Chris grabbed the telephone and called Lance. "Hey, it's me. Have you seen tabloid TV this morning?" He heard stomping upstairs. "Burke and us made the front page, so to speak. Can you give the guys a call and come over? Burke isn't taking it well." He stared up at the ceiling, knowing that his newly found son was devastated. "Thanks, Lansten. See ya in a bit."It's not really a cliffhanger, you please don't hate me! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. The next one will prove to be interesting for Burke and everyone around him. Especially for someone in particular!
As always, you can reach me at cameronwriter@hotmail.com I will get back to everyone that writes, I promise.
On a special note, I'd like to congratulate Josh on his early graduation!