Hello everyone. After a short New Year's break, I'm back to writing. One of my many resolutions for 2003 is to structure my time better. In doing so, I hope to become a more timely writer, posting chapters a little more frequently. So far so good, but, then again, it's only the first week of January.
My heartfelt thanks to all of you who write me. Your support and friendship touch me deeply. I strive to give you a story enjoyable to read.
As always: I do not know NSYNC, anyone affiliated with them, or any other celebrities that may work themselves into the plotline. Having said that, it can be safely assumed that I have no knowledge of their sexual orientations/habits or personalities. I write their characters as I see fit. If you have a problem with stories revolving around relationships between men, I urge you to examine that bias. If you are not of legal age to read this, I can guarantee there are better sites for you to surf.
Now:
A Light in the Tunnel
Chapter 7
Burke ran blindly through his room, yanking clothes from the closet and dresser and hastily stuffing them into the smallest suitcase he had. He screamed, silently, at himself. He couldn't do anything right; always screwing up everything good in his life. First he ruined what shred of happiness his mother might have had, then almost took the opportunity to live with his aunt, a move that would have destroyed her happy family. Now, he had ruined the best thing in his miserable life, obliterating the joy of so many people. Those thoughts ravaged his mind as he sloppily shoved a t-shirt into his bag. He would leave before any further damage was done. It was the only thing he could do for the men who had been so nice to him. Of course, he thought, that niceness was over now. He had brought them to ruination without even trying. It was a curse, his alone. Hefting up his bag, he turned for the door, determined to make a quick exit. The not so old darkness crept into his brain, his index finger slipping beneath the collar of his shirt and finding a mostly healed scab. It was torn off in an instant, a flash of pain running through his arm, followed by the familiar, comforting liquid heat of fresh blood rising to the surface. He deserved much more than that little wound. He had annihilated his idols.
"Burke?" Chris' voice came from the hallway as the boy grasped the doorknob. "Burke, it's alright."
He glanced at the window, wondering if he could make his get away through it. He couldn't die falling out, though. That would make matters worse for his new family. He was trapped, his self hatred flaring. "How can you say that?" he screamed through the walls. "Do you know what I've done?"
The door swung slowly open, Chris peeking inside. "What are you doing with that suitcase?"
"I packed. I have to go before I cause you any more problems. It's the right thing to do. I have to go."
"No it's not, and you aren't going anywhere. Just sit down and we can talk about this."
Burke moved toward the bed, then stopped. "There's nothing to talk about, Chris. You heard what they said on TV! Everyone thinks I'm some whore you guys are messing around with! I'm going. You can say I was some kid who pretended to be your friend, then screwed you over after I got some money or something. You'll look like the good guys you are, and everyone will hate me like they're supposed to. Maybe that will repair the damage I caused." His lifted his bag once more, and started for the door. Chris jumped up and blocked his path. Though at least fifty pounds lighter, Burke tried to muscle his way past. "Let me go, Chris! Let me go while you can still save everything! Please, just let me go!"
"If he let's you get past him, little man, you still have to deal with me, and we both know I'm twice your size."
"Joey!"
"Settle down, Burke. We need to talk about this."
Burke shook his head frantically, sure he was saving them. "NO! I've messed up your lives! Why won't you let me go? I'm not worth it."
Joey loomed large and daunting, his wide shoulders filling the doorway. "Burke Nathaniel Kennedy, stop it right NOW!" At his harsh command, Burke stopped struggling with Chris, his skin paling in fright. "Sit down on the bed, and pay attention." He scurried away, afraid Joey might hit him. Even Chris looked wary. "You just got one half of your first lesson in being a celebrity. People say things based on sketchy facts. They have made something up because they have no idea who you are. Now we have to decide on how to deal with that."
Josh made his way into the room, squeezing past Joey. "I know you think this is some kind of curse following you around, Burke, but you haven't done anything wrong. These media vultures grab onto anything they can, and try to make it breaking news. We deal with the big stuff and ignore the others. This is little. Once, a tabloid took a picture of Justin kissing his little brother and tried to make it look like he was a pedophile."
"Yeah, so this isn't that bad," Justin added, appearing behind Joey. "They have a couple of pictures, and that's it. The reporters have gotten wise. They can't come right out and say anything because that's slander, so they just make innuendos. So what? You are our close, personal friend, and people were questioning our sexual orientations long before you came along."
"The truth is, if we went out and denied every single thing that anyone said about us, we'd look really guilty because we'd spend all our time shooting down rumors. On minor things like this, we just let people talk. Our careers are still safe."
"And that's one of the reasons you aren't going anywhere, Burke. You haven't messed up anything. The other reason is that we love you, and we'd do anything to make sure you are ok. We take care of our own, and you are part of us," Chris finished. "So unpack your stuff and come downstairs." He hugged his son, patting his shoulders as they pulled apart. "Burke," he snarled, rubbing his fingers together.
"I--it--it makes me feel better when I'm hurting," the boy murmured, dropping his head into his hands.
"I thought we had an understanding about this. Under no conditions is hurting yourself alright. Let me see." Shyly, Burke pulled the collar of his shirt away, letting Chris peek. "I don't want to see you do that ever again, got it?" He nodded, almost crying. "Burke, look at me. There are better ways of dealing with pain and anger than taking it out on yourself. You don't feel better after you do that, so why not give something else a try? There's a punching bag in the garage. Maybe you should try that next time." Chris kissed the top of Burke's head and left, people following behind.
Burke didn't move from the bed, staring at his suitcase. Slowly, he realized someone was still there. He looked up and saw Joey, the man fidgeting with his hands. "Burke, I'm sorry for yelling t you. It was the only thing I could think of to make you calm down long enough to listen. I shouldn't have bullied you like that. I'm sorry." Burke shrugged, shocked from the brief flash of anger he had seen earlier compared to this ruefulness. "Come on, little man. Let's go decide what we should do about this." With his arm around Burke's shoulder, they left the room.
Burke quickly glanced at the front door as they passed by it, wondering how far he could run before one of them caught him. Lance had arrived sometime during his admonishing, and sat with everyone in the living room. Chris patted the open spot beside him on the couch, and Burke took a seat. Lance started the meeting. "Burke, normally we would let something like this go, but, because it involves you too, we want your opinion."
"Just make up a story about me."
"Not a good idea. If we gave them your name, they would dig into your past, including your hospital records. I don't think you want that. And I know I don't want to see your mother running her mouth on the national talk shows, which is what will happen." Burke gazed at Josh, trying to gauge his seriousness.
"I think we should just let it go for now. We don't want reporters going through Burke's life, or thinking we're hiding something by denying everything."
Justin piped up, "I agree with Lance. All in favor?" Everyone raised their hands, Burke tentatively. "So, I didn't actually see the broadcast. Did they really call you our boy toy?" Burke lowered his head in shame, nodding.
The singers snickered. "And what a cute boy toy you are!" Joey teased, jabbing his fingers into Burke's ribs.
The teen wriggled away. "Stop it! It's not funny!" They all roared louder. Even Burke had trouble keeping a straight face, finally letting loose a soft giggle. "Ok, maybe a little funny." "You have to admit the timing is awesome. After our talk last night? Imagine what the headlines could've read. NSYNC's Boy Toy: Under aged, Gay Fan!"
"Don't push it, Justin," Burke growled.
"Well," Lance said, checking his watch, "we're all here before lunch. What are we doing for the rest of the day?"
"Something where there are no cameras!" Burke shouted.
"Hmm, no tourist spots, no shopping. That cuts down the choices."
"How about lunch somewhere? Then we can go over to my house and swim." After everyone tossed out ideas on where to eat, Lance called and made reservations. "Everyone who hasn't needs to get washed up before we go. I don't want to smell y'all all day."
While the first shift of people were in the showers, Burke put his clothes away. Seeing a reflection in the mirror, he spoke to the person he saw at the door. "You must think I'm completely insane or something, huh? Always carrying on and crying like a baby."
"No, I think you are coming out of a rough period of life, and having to deal with a new part. You have to be feeling overwhelmed and stressed, and that dictates how we react to things. You are trying to cope with new situations, but the only experiences you have to draw upon have been bad. So, all in all, I think you are doing the best you can. I have a suggestion though. Try to remember that we are new people, not the ones from your past."
"I'll try. Thanks Justin."
"No problem. You know, part of this mess is our fault."
Burke's head snapped up. "What? How do you figure?"
"We never explained that there were probably going to be photographers around and that we have to deal with them. I guess we just assumed you'd know that and how to react to them. If one of us had thought about it sooner, we could have talked about it before it blew up. So, on behalf of the group, I'm sorry for letting you down."
Sniffling, Burke crossed the room, coyly hugging the older boy. "Don't be sorry, Justin. It's just one of those things you all take for granted."
"True, but I'm going to keep this from happening again. I don't want you to freak out over anything. Sooner or later we're going to run into fans somewhere. Some of them are real sweethearts, but others are sorta crazy. If some of them don't acknowledge you, don't feel like you are unimportant. If they really knew you, they'd ask for your autograph. Actually, a few fans might do that."
Burke blushed at the thought. "Why would they want my autograph?"
"Because you are with us, and they think that means you are famous too. I just wanted to warn you before it happens." Burke thanked him. Justin gazed around the room, cackling when he saw Burke's painting shirt hanging in a case on the wall. "I can't believe you actually framed that!"
"It's a one of a kind! Besides, you all did it, I just saved it."
After lunch, they gathered at Lance's house. Burke changed in the bathroom, then went outside in search of the others. He found it odd that no one else was out yet, but shrugged and ambled over to the pool. Not really paying attention to the water, he dipped his toes in, happy that it was decently warm. A twinkling of green in the corner of his eye caused him to rip his foot from the water and run away screaming. As he reached the back door, Josh came out. "What's wrong, Burke? Are you hurt or something?" "No!" the boy gasped. "There's an alligator in the pool! Hurry! Call someone to get it out! Oh my God! Where's the dog? Lance will die if it's eaten his dog!" Cackling came from behind the bushes next to the house, Chris and Joey rolling on the ground, clutching their stomachs. "I think you've just been pranked, Burke," Josh giggled, catching on. Barely able to walk because of his laughter, Joey went to the pool and pulled out an inflated, plastic alligator raft. Roaring, he shook it at Burke. Half amused, half angry, Burke ran across the yard, dove into his tormentor, and pushed him into the water. Joey managed to clutch the boy's arm and pull him in too. Both sputtering as they surfaced, Burke tried to force Joey's head back under. "That was cruel! How could you do that to me?" Chris stood on the edge, laughing hysterically. "I can't believe you did that, Chris! You know I'm terrified of finding one of those monsters in the back yard!" "I know," he panted, "that's why I couldn't resist!" Any other comments were cut short by Josh, who had snuck up behind him, pushing him in. "That's what you get for scaring poor Burke to death," he taunted triumphantly. "Yeah!" Burke added, climbing out. Relaxing the hot Orlando sun, Burke noticed Lance flipping through an organizer. "What are you doing?" "Huh? Oh, just looking over next month's schedule. We are starting to record our next album the end of August, and I think Chris wants you to start school around the same time." Burke frowned at the thought of being in school again, then moved so he could peer over Lance's shoulder. "Oh!" he whispered excitedly. "It's almost Josh's birthday! Are you having a party for him?" "We usually go out to eat at his favorite restaurant and then to a club." Burke's face fell. "But we can't do that this year since you're here. Got any ideas?" "We could have a beach party or something. Invite some of his friends and stuff. Does his favorite restaurant cater?" "Yeah. We could do it here, and decorate and everything. Usually we're on a summer tour on his birthday so we never get to have a real party. I think he'd like it a lot. Great idea, Burke." While everyone else splashed around, they conspired on how to get everything set up without Josh catching on. Burke volunteered to do the decorating since Josh wouldn't have any idea on his plans. If Josh wanted to do something with the guys, someone could fib and say he had already left to sight see. Burke momentarily felt guilty about the concept of lying to his friend, but got over it once he remembered it was for a good cause. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "It sounds like I need to take you shopping," Chris said after getting off the phone with Lance. Burke looked up from his book. "Yeah. Lance and I want to throw a surprise birthday party for Josh, and I volunteered to decorate." "He'll love it. If you want, give me a list of the stores you want to go to, and I'll call ahead to let them know you're coming with my credit card. You can borrow my car to get everything moved from one place to another." Burke pictured himself driving Chris' expensive vehicle, then wrecking it. He vehemently shook his head. "I'll just take the bus. I don't want to accidentally run your car into something." "You can't take the bus back and forth from the store to Lance's house. It'll take all day just to transport a few things. Besides, the buses don't run near there. The closest stop is a mile or so away. You can take the car, and don't argue about it." He smiled as Burke pretended to pout. "Can I ask a favor?" "You can ask, but it doesn't mean I'll do it." "Can I borrow some money to get him a present?" Burke muttered. "No, you cannot *borrow* some money" Burke gape at him,. "But you can have some. Burke, do you remember what we decided our relationship would be like?" "Like father and son." "Right. As your surrogate father, it's my pleasure to give you some money to buy something for Josh. The only time you have to borrow money is when your allowance doesn't cover something you really want. Then I'll give the rest to you and take it out of the next month's. That's the way my father did it with me, so that's how I'm going to do it with you. But, please, don't make it a habit of spending more than you have." Burke snorted. "Don't worry, that won't happen." "So, do you know what you want to get him?" "Not really. I was hoping you had an idea. I barely know him, and most of that is what I've read in magazines and stuff." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ August the eighth bloomed hot and sunny, not a cloud in the sky to provide refuge for those underneath. Being extra careful, Burke drove Chris' car to a party supply store, his list in his pocket. Before he starting picking out things, he made sure that Chris had called. Assured that he was approved to purchase things, Burke set to work, piling several carts full of beach themed items. The clerk at the checkout had to ask another employee to help Burke carry his bags out. Before he left the parking lot, he called Lance to make sure Josh was distracted, not wanting the man to show up unexpectedly while he was decorating. "Justin took him shopping. They'll be busy all day!" Lance laughed. "Come on over, and I'll help you get things set up." Lance's eyes bulged when he saw the passenger and back seats crammed full with bags. "There's more in the trunk too," Burke blushed. "I think I might have gone overboard." "That's alright." Under Burke's direction, they began transforming the back yard into a private beach. Lance surprised Burke by having a small section of the yard made into a sand volleyball court. Burke stuck lanterns into the ground, lining the walkway along the side of the house while Lance hung long strings of lights, dangling Chinese lanterns swaying down. Rented picnic tables arrived, and Burke decorated them, stapling cut up grass hula skirts to the sides, adding paper mache fruit as centerpieces. Lance formed a ring of rocks for a fire pit, piling logs in the center of it. Getting permission first, Burke cut a few tree limbs down and sharpened them into tiny spears for roasting food on. The work went quicker than Burke had expected, finishing up by tossing plastic flowers in the pool. He looked around, pleased with what he saw. "Do you think Josh will like this?" Lance wiped the sweat from his forehead. "He better!" The cordless phone rang, and he went to answer it. Burke rearranged a few things while Lance talked. "Houston, we have a problem." "What?" "That was Justin. Josh is getting tired of walking around the mall, and wants to go. He wants to get together and go out for something to eat." Burke chewed his lip, trying to come up with an idea. He snapped his fingers and asked for the phone. He dialed Justin's cell phone. "Justin, it's Burke. How long does it take to get from the mall to Chris' house? Twenty minutes is plenty of time. Let me talk to Josh, but don't let him know I'm at Lance's place." Burke smiled. "Hi Josh. Can you do me a favor? Chris wanted me to run to the store and pick up some stuff that we need for the house. I'm afraid of wrecking his car or getting lost, and I was wondering if you could take me." He gave Lance a big thumbs up. "Great! Thank you so much! I'll see you after you drop Justin off. Bye Josh." "That was pretty sly, Burke." "Can you handle getting the rest of this ready for later?" "Sure. You better get going or he'll get there before you do. Do you have some money to buy things?" "Yeah. See you later, Lance." Burke ran through the house and hopped into the car, speeding back home. He pulled into the garage, and rushed inside, flipping on the television so it would look like he was waiting patiently. Calmly, he opened the front door when the Josh arrived five minutes later. "I appreciate this Josh." "No problem Burke. Ready to go?" They got into Josh's jeep, and left, Burke imagining things that would prolong this errand. "Chris is going to be upset for you being out this late," Josh stated once Burke had run out of ideas. "Nah, I told him I'd meet him over at Lance's house when I was done. You don't mind taking me past there, do you?" "Of course not. You know, it's been cool hanging with you this afternoon. I guess we haven't had the chance to do it since you've been here. It's been nice getting to know you without having to compete for your attention." He gazed intently at Burke before smiling. "Tired of being around an old man all day?" Burke giggled. "You're hardly old. Chris is old! I've had fun, Josh. We should do this again." "What's going on here?" Josh asked when they pulled into the driveway of Lance's house, a line of vehicles gathered there. "I don't know," Burke grinned. He led the way through the house, talking loudly to announce their presence. "I wonder where everyone is? Lance? Where are you? Josh and I are here!" "Out back," came the answer. "Surprise!" people yelled when Josh stepped onto the deck. "Happy Birthday!" It took a moment for the man to realize what was happening, then a huge smile broke out on his face. "Oh my God! A party!" He thanked his friends as they made their way over. "Don't thank us," Justin beamed, "this was all Burke's idea." "Chris wanted you to go shopping, huh? I should have known something was up." "Do you like?" Josh examined the back yard beach. "Hell yeah! Thank you so much, Burke!" The singers took Burke around and introduced him to everyone at the party. He tried desperately to remain cool when meeting famous people. Justin's mother, Lynn, took an immediate shine to him, doting on him much the same as Joey's mother had, the attention embarrassing Burke. Burke, on the other hand, was enthralled by Justin's younger brothers, taking the time to play little games with them. They sat down to eat, the food catered in by Hard Rock Café. After playing a game of volleyball and lounging around the pool, cake and presents were brought out. Josh groaned when Joey pointed out all twenty-six candles. He closed his eyes for a moment, then blew them out in a single try, everyone singing to him. Josh raved over every gift he opened, thanking everyone individually along the way. They partied late into the night, everyone having a wonderful time. When Chris decided it was time for he and Burke to leave, Josh pulled the tired boy to the side. "Lance told me how much work you put into all of this, and I just want to say thank you. This is my first real birthday party in a long time. This has been a blast, Burke." "I'm happy you liked it so much." "I did. And I love the bracelet too." "Good. I was worried you weren't into jewelry like that. I guess I better get going or the old man will get grumpy." Josh snickered. "Yeah. I'll talk to you later, Burke. Thanks for everything." He pulled the teen to his chest and squeezed him tight. "Bye Burke." "Bye Josh. See ya later." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That's it for now. I decided to end on a happy note for a change. I apologize to all of you I promised story elements to. I didn't want to cram too much into this chapter. The next one, I swear. I love hearing from you all. You can reach me at cameronwriter@hotmail.com I will definitely get back to all of you who write. Until next time, Always, Cameron