Light in the Tunnel

Hello everyone! As promised, here is the next chapter of A Light in the Tunnel, written and posted in a timely manner. My sincerest thanks to all of you for being so understanding of the changes in my schedule and how it affect my ability to get things written. I greatly appreciate your encouraging words, in all their forms.

I have received some e-mails about how this story should be nominated for a BBSA Award. That is not a goal anywhere on my list as I write A Light in the Tunnel. If it happens, I will be honored, but please know my only objectives are to tell a great story, relieve the stress in my life, and perhaps, in some small way, give people a chance to examine themselves and their lives.

Disclaimer: I do not know NSYNC, anyone affiliated with them, or any other celebrities that might eventually find their way into these musings. Thus, I cannot factually describe their sexual orientations/habits or personalities. This is a complete work of fiction. If you are offended by tales of relationships between men, or are not of legal age in your community, please look elsewhere for more appropriate entertainment.

A Light in the Tunnel:

Chapter 9

Cars full of bewildered tourists, soccer moms and their bubbling offspring, and cranky businessmen sped past Burke as he trotted down the hot, cracking sidewalks of Orlando, constantly looking over his shoulder in case Josh or someone else was out searching for him. It dawned on him that he was out in the open, easily spotted by anyone paying attention. He also realized that he had no idea where he was going. That scared him more than anything, never the kind to go off without some vague plan. Coming upon one of the city's many sprawling parks, he ducked behind a row of dense shrubbery, safe from eyes passing on the road. Burke slowly made his way toward a set of swings. He dropped into one, swaying slightly as the chains rocked back and forth. What would he do now? Where would he go? There was always Lisa, back home with her wonderful family. But he would ruin them just as he had almost ruined his new friends. He couldn't bear to think about that. He was all alone because he refused to destroy anyone but himself.

As he sat there, the sun baked his bare arms and legs, his cell phone continuously vibrated against him thigh. Burke made no move to answer it, knowing the pain he would cause by doing so. Wondering, he pulled his tattered wallet from his back pocket, carefully counting the bills inside. Chris had given him his allowance, and, after paying off the woman at the restaurant, there was eighty dollars left. Surely, he thought, this would be enough to get away, enough to buy a bus ticket far from the people he cared for so deeply. Chris would be mad, but he would be angrier when his career went up in flames. Tears stung Burke's eyes as he envisioned everyone wondering about him though they shouldn't.

"Hey, little man, you alright?" Burke jumped up at the nickname, expecting to see Joey looming over him. Instead of the singer, a short, pudgy, balding man stood there. "Sorry about scaring you. I was sitting in my car, over there, and I saw you sitting here by yourself."

"I'm just fine, sir. Thank you for asking."

The man looked around, searching for something. "You know, if you need some cash, I could help you out."

Burke stared at him. "No, thank you. I'm fine."

"A ride somewhere? Something to eat?"

"Could you tell me where the bus station is? I'm new here and I'm not sure where it is."

"Sure, kid. I think I've got a city map in my car. I'll mark the route for you." His face cast downward, Burke followed the man across the grassy lawn, staring at his feet as they stepped over bits of rock and clumps of sod. "Why don't you climb in for a second? It may take me a minute to find everything and there's no reason for you to stand there sweating to death. Especially if you aren't going to let me drive you to the Greyhound station." Willing to do anything to get going, despite what his instincts screamed, Burke slid into the passenger's seat of the dark sedan. It was cooler inside, the air conditioner blowing across his damp skin, giving him a pleasant little chill. The man reached over and dug around in the glove box, balancing himself by setting his free hand next to Burke's leg, their skin touching. "Ah," he smiled, pulling a map out, "here we are." Burke anxiously watched him trace a series of roads with a black pen, finally circling a spot. When he started explaining the path, he didn't move, so Burke had to slide closer to get a good look at the map. He was paying too much attention to the route, and didn't notice anything else going on in the car. The man's arm burst out, clutching Burke by the back of the neck and yanking him downward.

The man's hard dick stuck out of the fly of his khaki shorts, the slimy head rubbing against Burke's cheek as his face was thrust toward it. "Enough games, little man. I'm tired of flirting, so let's get down to business." Petrified, Burke tried to push away, using his arms to keep his face from the man's groin. He mumbled desperately, crying that he wasn't a whore and that he didn't want to. "Not a trick, huh? Yeah right. A sweet little thing like you, hanging around here? You were looking for this. C'mon baby, make me feel good."

His inner demons flared to life. You're a cocksucker, Burke. Just get over yourself and do it. You're a nasty fag. Burke fought, not wanting to believe his own voice, and not wanting to be prey for this man. The harder he struggled, the harder the man pushed. Burke opened his mouth to scream, and was shoved down, impaled on the man. "Yeah baby," he sighed. "Go ahead. Make love to my cock." He bounced his hips a little, nearly choking Burke.

Sobbing, he pictured his mother laughing at him, saying he was getting what he deserved, what all dirty fags deserved. Instead of feeling helpless, he got angry, allowing his rage to boil over for the first time in his life. Seeing red, he sunk down on the man's dick, hating the moan it elicited. The next moment, his teeth locked on, gnawing the gross invader. The man shrieked and struggled to get Burke off of him. As soon as he was free, Burke swung wildly, yelling at the top of his lungs. Grabbing the map, he broke out of the car, running across the park as fast as his wobbly legs could go. He didn't stop until he had covered several blocks, slowing in front of a seedy gas station. He rushed inside, and grabbed a soda from the cooler. Not waiting until he paid, he gulped it down, trying to get the man's taste out of his mouth. Over and over he drank, washing away everything.

"Ma'am," he spoke once he had reached the counter, "is this the way to the Greyhound station?" He laid his map in front of her.

"Yes, son."

"Thank you." He paid for his drink and walked out, pleased to find that his fleeing had taken him in the right direction.

A candy apple red Miata sped past Burke as he trudged toward the bus station. He wished he had a ride like that, something that could take him far away very quickly. He watched the little sports car swing into the parking lot of a T-shirt business ahead, not thinking anything about the screeching tires as it slid to a stop. Burke walked on, hoping there was a bus leaving soon after he got to his destination. He wondered how far he could get on a little less than eighty dollars, and what would be waiting for him when he got there. Would there be other men like the guy at the park? Others who would see him as a piece of meat to be enjoyed then spit out? He was lost in the smell of the man's body, the putrid sweat rising from his skin. He had done something to deserve that treatment. It was a punishment for every wrong thing he had done.

The darkly tinted window of the Miata slid silently down. "Burke," the woman inside said as he neared the car. "Burke, get in and we'll take you home."

His jaw dropped as he looked at Lynn. "No, I don't have a home. I--I have to get out of here. I'm sorry." He stepped around the back of the car and started running. Footsteps pounded on the concrete behind him.

"Burke! It's Justin! Burke, stop!" That made the boy try to go faster, not wanting to look into the eyes of someone who would eventually hate him. "If you don't stop, I'll tackle you! I'm faster than you are Burke!"

"Just leave me alone, Justin! Just leave me alone!" A powerful blow from the back drove Burke to the ground with a thud, his breath rushing out of his tired lungs and his knees skidding over the pavement. He tried to roll over, but was pinned.

"I warned you," Justin snarled above him. "I'm going to get off you, and you are going to get in the car. Is that understood?" He yanked Burke to his feet, dragging him by the wrist. The whole time, Burke whimpered, begging to be let free. Justin shoved him into the back seat, climbing in quickly before he could escape.

"Was that necessary, Justin Randall?" Lynn scolded.

"Yes, it was." He grabbed the phone from his mother's lap and dial. "Chris, it's Justin. I got him." Burke watched him staring from the rear view mirror. "We're on our way to your house now...See ya in a bit."

Burke's head swung back and forth, trapped in the cramped back seat of Justin's car. He didn't want to see the angry faces of Chris or Joey, Justin's was bad enough. He especially didn't want to look at Josh. He didn't want to find a bit of darkness in his happy eyes, darkness he knew he had put there. Burke's legs tightened, unaccustomed to running. He saw the thin trail of blood seeping out, oozing over his kneecap and disappearing down his shin. "Justin, I'm bleeding. I need to go to the doctor."

"You scraped your knee. You'll be fine. We'll clean it once we get you home." Burke's head drooped, abashed by the monotone Justin used.

Chris stood on the small front porch as they stopped in the driveway, his arms crossed over his chest. Justin escorting the boy, they slowly walked up the front steps. Burke wouldn't meet his father's gaze, ashamed at being caught, and afraid of what he would say. Instead of a barrage of shouting or a beating, he was pulled into a hug. "Thank God you're ok. Come on, let's go inside and get you cleaned up." Shocked beyond belief, Burke let himself be led into the house. Lynn and Phyllis sat him in the kitchen, setting a glass of water on the table, and quietly fussing over his knees.

"You'll live, sweetheart," his nonna cooed. "I'm glad you're home."

"Burke," Lynn continued, "I know you are afraid of falling short of everyone's expectations or messing something up, but that isn't going to happen. No one expects you to be perfect. Just let us love you."

"Everyone hates me know," he whimpered, "Justin, he hates me."

"No, honey. He was scared, and that makes him angry. He was rough because he didn't want you to get away and disappear."

His friends watched solemnly as Burke came into the living room, sheltered between the women. He took a seat on the couch furthest away from Chris, and refused to look any of them in the eyes. "No one is going to yell at you, Burke," Lance spoke. "We're just glad you are fine."

"No one is going to yell at you because this is my fault. I scared you, and you did what you thought you had to do."

Burke's eyes blazed, astonished Josh would try to take the blame. "No, Josh. I ran away because you are wrong about me. All of you are. I'm not wonderful like you, no where close. I'm so bad. I make bad things happen, and I deserve to have nothing. I wish you all wouldn't have come after me. You're better off if I'm gone."

"Nothing bad is going to happen, Burke," Justin said.

"It isn't happening right now, but I promise you it will. Look at what happened with those news people! I'm not worth losing your careers!"

Joey jumped to his feet and stomped away, an angry glare burning away anything in his path. Burke bowed his head, ready to lose the man he called his friend and brother. When he returned, he dropped a pad of paper and a pen in Burke's lap. "You need to write some letters."

"What?"

"I didn't stutter. The first one is a letter of apology to the people of Ethiopia. You seem to think everything that doesn't go right is your fault, so you need to apologize for causing them to have a food shortage. Get to writing."

Burke stared at the paper, then his friends and new family. "I've never been out of the country, Joe," he whispered. "I didn't do anything to those people. This is stupid."

"Exactly," he replied with a smirk. "You are so ready to call yourself a curse, but the truth is you have had a rough life. Things that happened when you were a baby are not your fault. Your mother," he continued with a noticeable grimace, "is a very sad person. She hates herself so much the only way she can feel better is to put other people down. And that person has been you. You choose to believe what she says even though all of us tell you she is dead wrong. Why don't you start listening to us? We didn't throw you away because we're idiots. We all love you as if you were always part of our families. You listen to her opinions, but why not ours?"

Burke drug his fingernail along a line on the paper, creating a shallow rut. "But I'm a fag, Joe, a cocksucker."

"Watch your mouth," Lynn chided sternly.

"And?" Josh asked. "Does that mean you are doomed to a life without love? If so, then the two of us will have to go through it together." Burke's head snapped up, amazed that Josh had made such a public statement. He watched the others, waiting for a hell to break loose. They would kick Josh out of the group, and it would be all his fault. "Burke, we're family here. Lynn, Phyllis, and the guys know that I'm gay. They've known for years."

"And as long as he keeps his hands to himself, we don't care," Chris said with a giggle. "We just want Josh to be happy, and if that person is a guy, cool. We all want the same thing for you, son."

Burke had a flash of a vision, him sitting on a porch swing, in the arms of someone he loved, watching the sun set. That image was broken by the memory of the man at the park, his foul odor invading Burke's nose. His hands went to his face, weeping at the thought of someone else treating him the same way. "Honey," Phyllis murmured, "what is it?" Through sob choked phrases, Burke told them about the man.

"That son-of-a-bitch!" Joey growled, pacing around the living room. "I'll fucking rip his dick off and shove it down his throat!" He ranted and raved, no one brave enough to scold his cussing.

"Burke, that wasn't your fault," Lance plied, kneeling in front of the boy. "You were just sitting there, trying to find some help. He's was a bastard. He had no right to try to force you into that. You did nothing wrong. He did. Just because you are gay doesn't mean anyone has the right to do that, you deserve so much better."

Throughout the afternoon, the group talked things through, many tears shed as they tried to solve any problem they could think of. Because it made him uncomfortable, the guys pledged not to go out of their way to spend large amounts of money on Burke, and he vowed to talk about things instead of just shutting down. Over pizza, they discussed what Burke thought about himself, Lance holding a mirror before the boy to prove all his misconceptions wrong. Lynn and Phyllis left after supper, having other family members to feed, but smothering Burke in hugs and kisses before walking out the door.

"Burke, I want you to make me a promise," Joey said.

"I'll try."

"I want you to remember everything that we've said today. I know you will have bad days, everyone does, but I want you to remember that we love you and only want you to be happy. When things look bad, or you start thinking about what other people have said in the past, remember all the things we've said." Burke nodded.

"Now, I think you and Josh have some serious talking to do," Chris spoke.

Worried about what might happen, Burke followed the man into the kitchen, dumping dirty paper plates in the trash. He looked up at Josh, finding him staring at Burke with a concerned gleam in his eyes. For the second time that day, Burke felt himself falling into those eyes. "I handled this afternoon all wrong. I wish I could have done it differently, not springing it on you the way I did."

"You surprised me, and I didn't deal with it well."

"Look, Burke. I like you. I'm not saying I'm in love with you, but I think there is that possibility. I want to get to know you better, outside of this group. What do you think?"

Burke chewed the inside of his cheek, wondering what he actually thought about the situation. The stared at Josh, searching his face. As far as looks went, Josh was beautiful, his eyes pure cobalt. "I guess we could go out sometime," he answered, blushing. "I'm not sure about this, though. There are always people around, and I don't want anything to happen that could hurt you."

"Then we play it cool, do something that friends might do. Only you and I, and probably those guys, will know it's a date. I also want you to know that I don't expect anything from you. This is just two people getting to know each other, nothing more."

"You don't want to have--have sex with me?"

Josh's jaw dropped, taking a minute to recover from the shock of the question. "No. I want to take you out on a date, that's all. If, in the future, that comes up, we'll deal with it then. But I'm not going to do anything unless we get really serious about each other." Burke's face reddened. "What are you blushing for?"

"It's just that I've never--until today-"

"Today doesn't mean a thing. You didn't want to do anything. And it doesn't matter to me that you're a virgin." Burke nodded sadly, thinking about what was almost his rape. "I would never do anything like that to you, Burke. I swear on the Bible."

"Why me Josh? There are tons of people who would love to be with you."

"Maybe, but that doesn't mean I want to be with them. There are so many that only see me as JC, the pop star. They don't care about anything else. Even though you're a fan, you still look at me like a normal person, or at least I hope you do."

"I do, I swear I do," Burke jumped in.

"Good. At the same time, I don't see you as just another fan. You're my friend, my little brother." Burke snickered. "What?"

"That's incest, Josh."

The man chuckled and rolled his eyes. "We're not really related, smart ass. But you know what I mean? You are a real person to me, and I like that." The gazed at each other for a few moments. "So, what do you say? Wanna go on a date with me?"

Burke smiled softly. "Sure, Josh. I'd like that."

"You're forgetting something, Mr. Chasez," Chris spoke from the doorway.

Josh gaped, trying to figure out what he meant. "Huh?"

Chris frowned. "Maybe I should have a talk with your mother about your manners. I know you didn't grow up where Lance did, but it is still polite to ask the parents permission before taking their kid out." A wicked smile broke out on his face.

Josh and Burke laughed. "Alright you crazed Treasure Troll. May I please take Burke out?"

"Sure." Chris turned back to the other room, but stopped and looked over his shoulder. "Just remember, group or no group, I'll beat your ass if you anything but a gentleman."

Josh's skin paled, not sure how serious his friend actually was. "Do you think he's really do that?" Burke asked.

"I'm not sure, but I don't think I want to find out!" They chuckled over Chris' threat and their predicament. "How about tomorrow night? It's a little late tonight."

"I guess. I don't think I have anything to do."

"Great. I'll pick you up around seven. Dinner and a movie work?"

Burke winked at him, "Not very original."

"What can I say? I'm a sucker for tradition!"