CHAPTER 3
It was weeks later when I saw Steve.
Zach and I had been playing soccer in the park with some friends when it suddenly started to rain. The parents were called and we waited it out in the covered area of the park, sitting on some criteria-style benches. I was about to call my mom when I had a thought. I knew that Zach's father would be coming to pick him up. It was a Saturday, and still early in the afternoon. I knew I needed to be home for dinner, but if I called and asked to spend the next few hours at my friend's house, mom would probably be ok with it. I got the ok, and thirty minutes later, we were in the backseat of Steve's car.
Things were normal as ever, though I could feel Zach noticing that I was directing more conversation toward his dad than I usually did. Steve was cool as ever, and though I wished he would make more eye contact with me in the rearview mirror, I was grateful to catch an occasional glance every now and then. I thought back to my conversation with Steve that last morning in his home office. "I like you", he had said.
When I'd had a bad day over the past few weeks, it had provided me a lift in my spirits. It was awesome knowing I could be myself with him, and that he saw me for the young man I am. Had I misinterpreted the meaning behind what he was telling me? He had seen my erect cock, knowing fully well that he was what brought it on. And he still told me I had nothing to be ashamed of, and that I could come to him whenever.
I'd never before seriously toyed with the idea that I may be attracted to men. I'd seen a guy that I respected and thought of my admiration as a natural bromance. It wasn't until recently that I'd felt the way I was feeling now. Wanting to be seen by Steve, wishing it could be him that I was spending time with, though I loved Zach like a brother. Was this what it felt like to be g-a-y? I briefly toyed with the idea of having a boyfriend in my mind, and was revolted by what I envisioned. That wasn't how I saw myself or my future. But then again, it's not as though Steve were looking for a boyfriend either. He was a married man with a son. I was his son's age. I decided I had misread what he had been saying.
When we arrived at their house, Zach went to take a shower and clean up. I told him he could go ahead before I used it. Steve was in the living room and flipped on the television. There was a football game on. Once again my heart started racing. I sat down on the couch across from him. My mind was going in a million different directions thinking about what I should say. He cut in first. "Good game today, Bry?", he began.
I replied that it had been fun, and communicated my disappointment with one of the forwards on our team, and how he'd been too hesitant, and costed us points. Before Steve could get another question in, I decided to ask one of my own. "Hey Steve, the other day when you had said there might be things I don't understand...what did you mean by that?"
I was surprised to see that he didn't seem taken aback by my question. Like a man, he just addressed it head-on. "I meant in reference to your sexuality," he said. Now I was the one who was taken aback. "My...do you think I'm not...like", I was struggling to find the words to say. Steve waited for me to form the words I was looking for, his expression one of analyzing, taking in information. "...I'm not into girls?", I finished. It wasn't as direct as I would have liked to be, but it got the point of what I was trying to say across.
I saw his eyes shift upstairs toward the bathroom where Zach was showering. We could both hear the water was running. I suddenly became very aware of the fact that Steve's wife was out at the store, and it were as though for the first time I was having a moment with him. Steve looked back at me and replied matter of factly, but with a layer of care, as though he were helping me to understand fractions or reproduction. "If you were not into girls, that doesn't make you any less of a man than Zach." He continued, "and if you were into guys, that doesn't exclude you from being into girls as well. Labels are very short-sided and seldom do much good in my opinion."
I hesitated, not sure of what to say, but processing. Steve kept talking. "What makes you think you are not attracted to women?" I thought about it, then answered, "Well, to be honest I hadn't thought I wasn't until recently. I suddenly started experiencing feelings that I hadn't before--except--these feelings weren't about a girl. They were stronger than any interest I've had before in a female."
Steve paused for a second, then replied "I see. And who were they about?" I half-waited for him to add on "if you don't want to tell me it's ok." But he didn't. And I was glad he didn't. "Well, actually, it was the day I hung out with you all at the lake," I began. "I kept watching you with your shirt off." I could feel the redness in my cheeks erupting as I finished the sentence. I suddenly found myself staring at the carpet in the TV room, unable to meet his gaze. Steve firmly but gently said "Look up." I did.
"It sounds like what you're saying is that you have a crush on me. Am I understanding you correctly Bryan?" I froze. I felt like my heart was going to pound right out of my chest. I felt like apologizing. Steve's warm smile returned, and put me a little bit at ease. "Like I said, you can talk to me about these things Bryan because I know what it's like. I've been in your shoes and I know that it's not easy to understand. I felt the same way about one of my coaches in high school. And he was a man."
It seemed to be coming full-circle. Steve was like me. I had heard of lots of gay guys, one of my distant uncles was married to a man, but I'd never personally known a gay man. At least I thought. If all along, Steve, Zach's buttoned up, business executive father with a wife and son had had crushes on men before, maybe it wasn't so weird after all.
"What did you do when you realized you had feelings for your coach?" I asked. "Well it was more of what he did", Steve answered. I think, like I with you, he observed my attraction to him and knew how scared I was to process or deal with my feelings. One day after practice he held me back from the rest of the guys and told me he wanted to speak to me in his office. We had a chat and he was able to convince me of my attraction in men."
"How did he do that?" I asked. As I did, we both heard the water upstairs turn off.
"Come up to my room and I'll show you Bry," Steve winked. "There's a shower in there you can use." With that, Steve rose from the coach, the TV still playing in the background. We walked up the stairs, past the bathroom in the hall where Zach was using the sink and drying off. I followed Steve to the end of the hall to the door on the left where his bedroom was. "Through there to the right. Towels are in the cabinet on the wall" he said. I nodded and sheepishly walked through his room to the master bath. "Oh and Bry", he said. I turned.
"I'll see you in a minute."