Sorry I've been a while with this one. I kept meaning to send it out, and it kept slipping my mind. Remember, this is a 'Now' chapter, which means it's taking place a year after the end of Little White Lies. And if you still haven't read that, go here:
www.angelfire.com/boybands/othersidefanfiction/slash.html
Remember to send me feedback! I live for it!
Disclaimer: Nope, I don't know the Backstreet Boys, and I definitely don't own them. I don't know anything about their sexualities, and I don't pretend to, either. This story is pure fiction, from the mind of a bored teenage girl. This is FICTION. I'm not making any money out of this, so please don't sue me.
Chapter 3
Now...
Brian Litrell gazed despondently at the clock on the wall. Twelve minutes past midday. He had awoken two hours ago, and the minutes were already dragging by, the loud second hand going by at an abnormally slow speed. Some days, he just counted minutes from the warmth of his own bed, from ten in the morning until twelve at night. On those days, it was an effort to get up to use the bathroom and later, when he tried to sleep, it was in short sharp bursts that did little to keep him sane. Today was going to be one of those days, he decided. What was the point of getting up and dressing only to remain in the house? Why should he venture outside to see people staring at him, pointing, and whispering indiscreetly as they went about their stupid little lives? Why put himself through that misery? Pointless; all of it was pointless.
Nick had been dead for a year now, but every time Brian thought about it he still broke down in tears. One year, and he hadn't got past the crying stage yet.
He knew deep down that he would never, ever recover from the trauma, but he hadn't expected the pain to be this great for such a long period of time. One year, and it hurt to think about it so much it might as well have been yesterday. Brian closed his eyes, the tears streaming down his cheeks as he remembered finding Nick that night. Walking into the very room he was in, looking over to the very bed he was laying on now, seeing Nick sprawled out across it, his beautiful face deathly pale, and his left hand loosely gripping an empty pill bottle. Brian choked back the tears as he remembered that awful moment, but it did nothing to stop the flow. He was living in a kind of limbo that he desperately wanted to break free from, but at the same time he felt oddly secure living like this. No responsibilities, no hassles, minimal human contact. Just him, on his own, with his wretched memories to keep him company.
He hadn't slept last night, or the previous night, and had only managed two hours the night before that. His eyelids were heavy, and he soon realised the clock was drifting out of focus as his breathing began to grow heavier. He had desperately invited a good night's sleep for so long he had forgotten what it actually felt like, but every time he drifted off, he started to panic. Maybe there would be no panicking this time. Maybe.
"Brian!" He heard someone rudely shouting his name. His eyes snapped open and he gradually focused on an angry looking Latino man standing at the end of his bed.
"Move a sec, Howie." Brian gestured for him to move to one side. Howie, thoroughly confused, but taking it in his stride, took a couple of steps to the left to reveal the clock. Half past one. So he'd got an hours worth. It was better than nothing.
"Brian, this has gotta stop." Howie sighed. "You can't live like this. When was the last time you left this room? It stinks in here." He purposefully walked over to the window and sharply drew back the dark curtain. Light flooded in, and Brian scrunched up his eyes, unused to this sense. Opening the window, Howie turned back to Brian and shook his head regretfully.
"Don't look at me like that." Brian told him angrily. "I don't need your pity. And I definitely don't need your company."
"I'm trying to help you." Howie told him. "You're falling apart, Brian. I'm not going to let you go the same way Nick did."
Brian recoiled at his friend's words. This whole year people had avoided the subject of Nick like the plague. And here Howie was, actually talking about his death. How dare he?
"Look, if you've come round to lecture me than you can fuck off." Brian shouted. "I don't know why you keep bothering, to tell you the truth. I don't want to be a normal guy again, Howie. I just want to lay here and remember a time in my life when I was actually happy. Is that okay with you?"
"No, it is not okay." Howie's dark brown eyes narrowed. "It's less than not okay. I'm not going to stand by and watch you slowly fade away. I'm your friend, Brian, and it's not in my nature to let you do this."
"Howie, the one good thing in my life has gone. I have no reason to get up, no reason to leave this house, and no reason to be sociable. If I can't have Nick in real life, let me have him up here." He pointed to his head. Howie sighed before sitting down next to him on the bed.
"We all died a little when Nick did." Howie told him. "You're not the only one hurting, Brian, we all are. We all loved him more than anything, and what ever pushed him to killing himself couldn't have been reason enough to justify it. But we have to get on with our lives, if not for our sake than for his."
"I can't, Howie." Brian confessed, and he felt the tears start to well up again. "You don't understand what it's like, you didn't love him like I did."
"Maybe not." Howie sighed, "But I know what it's like to realise that you're never going to be with the one you love." He held Brian's gaze as Brian looked at him in confusion.
"Who, Howie?" He asked.
"Wake up, Brian." Howie sighed. His eyes squeezed together as he too started to cry. Brian shook his head in bewilderment.
"I don't know." He admitted. "Just tell me who it is. Is it someone I know?"
"Yeah." Howie nodded, smiling wryly. "You know him very well."
"Him? It's a man? But I thought you were straight."
"Does it matter?" Howie shrugged. "It's not as if I've ever spoken about it. Of course I denied it when people implied it, but that was strictly for the band's benefit."
"So is it one of the group? Kevin, or AJ? Was it Nick?" Brian looked intently at him. "Who the hell is it, Howie?"
"It's you, Brian. It's always been you." Howie shouted, finally giving in.
"Ever since the beginning it was you. And now I have to sit here and watch you fall apart, and it's hurting me so much that I cry myself to sleep at night."
"Why did you never say?" Brian whispered. He couldn't believe that Howie was telling him this. Howie, who was meant to be the only straight one left out of the original five. Howie, who had always been a mystery to him. Howie. He couldn't comprehend it.
"Cos I could see how much you wanted Nick, and I could see how happy you were when you finally got together. I loved you in the way one of our fans would; wanting you so bad, but at the same time realising nothing was ever going to happen between us. It hurt to see you with Nick, but at the same time it made me feel so good, because you had this pure love for him that went beyond anything I could ever produce." He sighed. "Yeah, I loved you Brian, and I still do. But what you felt for Nick was something completely different, and I didn't want to spoil things by saying anything." He shook his head. "Not that I needed to bother. Kevin did a pretty good job of mucking things up."
"This is so weird." Brian said. "Just over a year ago, I thought I was the only gay one in the band. We were perfect strangers to each other for all those years."
"We still are." Howie whispered sadly, and Brian knew exactly what he meant. The last time they had been together was about two weeks after Nick's death. A press conference, to confirm they were splitting up. What a way to go.
"Maybe I have still got a chance to be happy." Brian murmured. He looked up into Howie's brown eyes and saw nothing but love in them. How could he have been so blind?
"I know you're not ready for a relationship yet." Howie told him. "Maybe you never will, with me at least. But maybe someday you'll think about me and decide that I wasn't so unattractive after all."
"You're not unattractive, Howie."
"AJ thinks so."
"AJ's in love with Kevin. I wouldn't worry about his opinion." Brian reassured him.
Howie dried his eyes and looked at Brian. Brian realised, with startling clarity that he really had never thought of Howie as unattractive. Sweet, yes, and even cute to a certain point. He wasn't Nick, but then who was?
For reasons unknown to him, he suddenly lent forward and planted a soft, but lingering kiss on Howie's lips. He didn't regret it as he pulled away. He had to start this healing process somewhere, and Howie was willing to provide that opportunity.
"What was that for?" Howie looked at him, shocked.
"I'm gonna get better, Howie. And you're gonna help me." He told him. Howie smiled and stood up.
"Fine, well if I'm gonna help you, then you're gonna have to do as you're told. You're going to get up and showered, and dressed in something half-decent. After that, we're going to go out for something to eat. Sound like a plan?"
Brian hesitated. It sounded so simple coming from Howie's mouth, but Brian didn't know if he could deal with it. If he walked out of the house with Howie, it would be like he was resigning himself to trying to recover. Did he want to recover?
Did he want to get over Nick? No matter how many times people said to him 'Nick wouldn't want you to be like this', he still couldn't help but feel guilty every time he found himself enjoying something, every time he wasn't thinking about Nick.
But after this new confession from Howie, Brian began to feel slightly more optimistic about the future. Just because Howie had told him he was in love with him, it didn't mean they had to act on it straight away. They could enjoy friendship for a while, and see where it led, couldn't they? And he knew, deep down, that Nick would have approved of it. Nick wasn't selfish enough to want Brian to resign himself to a life of solitude. Brian had to do this, for the sake of everyone he cared about.
"Fine." He smiled at Howie. "Go wait downstairs. I'll be ten minutes."