Chapter 2
There's no easy way to tell one of your best friends you're in love with them. Even more so, when the afore mentioned friend is an innocent, slightly immature, and naive member of the same sex. Therefore, Kevin decided he wouldn't tell Nick.
It was a conscious decision, and it didn't take a great deal of heartache on Kevin's behalf to make it. He didn't think ahead to the future. The future was uncertain, a world possibly outside The Backstreet Boys, where he wouldn't have an excuse to see Nick's beautiful face everyday. In the future, Kevin realised there was a very real possibility that he would have to tell Nick. For now, however, he had to deal with the present.
One afternoon, almost a year after 'the basketball incident', as the guys referred to it, Kevin found himself alone in a hotel with Nick. Normally this wasn't a strange occurrence, but today Kevin was unsettled. As Nick played Nintendo, propped up against the side of the bed, his eyes fascinated with a game that Kevin was either too old, or too mature to understand, Kevin watched Nick. This was normally enough to unsettle him alone, just being close to his first, and only true love. However, what made him more unsettled was the look of utter sadness in Nick's eyes. Kevin drew his gaze away to stare at the computer screen. He had no idea what was happening in it, but he was pretty certain that the ugly car tyre type things shouldn't be hitting the cute little animal type thing excessively. Nope, Nick wasn't concentrating. Something was wrong.
"Nick?" Kevin slid down so he was sitting next to him. "What's up, kiddo?" "Kev, you made me lose now." Nick threw the controller down in disgust. "I did?" Kevin asked. "Well, no, but I need to blame someone, cos it sure as hell can't be my crap game playing." "So there is something up?" "No." Nick answered, too quickly. Kevin gave him 'the look', as AJ called it. The one that left even scary biker type men in dark alleyways trembling somewhat. "Nicky." "Maybe that's my problem." Nick scowled. "Right there. That pathetic name." "I thought you liked being called Nicky." "Do you like being called Kevvy?" "Oh, I don't know." Kevin raised his eyebrows. "It's got a certain charm to it." He looked over at the look of disbelief on Nick's face. "Okay, no I don't." "So why on earth would I like being called Nicky?" "Ok, I won't call you Nicky." Kevin held his hands up in mock-surrender. "But that's not all that's bothering you, is it?" "Yes." Nick stood up. "That's all. You don't need to worry." "But I do worry." Kevin stood up to face him. He was always astounded at how tall Nick had grown. They were eye-level now, which wasn't good news for Kevin as it meant that when they talked like this, he found himself getting lost in the sheer blueness, and intensity of his eyes. "Kev, do you believe in soul mates?" Nick asked. Kevin almost fainted through shock. Yes, you idiot, he wanted to scream. I'm standing right here. "Of course I do." He regained his composure. "We all need something to believe in." "What if your soul mate was unattainable? What if you never met them? Or worse, what if you did, and you realised, but they didn't?" God, is he trying to kill me, Kevin wondered briefly. "You both know." Kevin whispered. "You might not at first, but you will realise it eventually." "But you don't know for certain." Nick shook his head. "I mean, you say that, but there are so many people out there with wasted lives, married to real bastards, or in abusive relationships which they can't leave, and they never meet their soul mate." "Hey, what brought all this on?" Kevin asked. "You're eighteen, Nick. You don't need to worry about it yet." "I'm not." Nick answered indignantly. "I was just being." He searched for the right word." ". "Hypothetical?" "That's the one." Nick smiled. He walked into the bathroom. Kevin looked at the door he had just shut, stunned. What the hell was all that about?
It grew hard, keeping a secret so big to yourself. Kevin debated telling someone, one of the guys was the obvious option. Who, though? Brian was the first one he thought of, but Kevin decided against it. Something inexplicable had happened between the two of them over the past year, that only they seemed to realise. They could no longer talk as cousins. Their relationship, to the casual observer, resembled that of business associates. Civil to one another, but not great friends. If the others realised, they didn't say anything.
Next his thoughts turned to Howie. Howie was the best listener out of the lot of them, and seemed the obvious choice. Maybe in any other situation he would have been, but due to the false accusations Howie had received about being gay, he now felt uncomfortable talking about the matter.
AJ was the last, and probably best choice. By no means the most obvious, but Kevin was aware that there was a lot more to the designated 'freaky' member than met the eye. He was an excellent listener, and usually gave out sound advice. AJ it was then.
"AJ?" Kevin turned to him on the plane flight to Orlando. The others were asleep, worn out by the ever-hectic schedule. "Yup?" "I have to tell you something. Something that's been eating away at me for a while." "Shoot." AJ smiled warmly at him. Kevin took a deep breath. "Well, I guess I should start with the obvious thing." He declared. "I'm. I'm gay." "Oh." AJ looked at him in amazement. "Wow." "Nobody else in the band knows. Not even my family know." "Well, you know, it doesn't change anything." "I know, I know." Kevin nodded. "Really, I know if I was to tell all you guys you'd be fine with it. I've given myself the 'you're still the same person talk' a million times already." "So why don't you tell everyone?" "Because." Kevin looked over to Nick who was sleeping peacefully in the isle opposite. His floppy blonde hair framed his prefect face as he lent to the side slightly, leaning towards Brian. "What?" AJ looked to where Kevin was looking. "Nick's gay as well?" "No." Kevin sighed. "That's just the problem." He shut his eyes then opened them to look at AJ's expectant face. "I'm in love with him, AJ." The silence lasted a lifetime. Finally AJ spoke. "He's just a kid, Kev." "Don't you think I know that?" Kevin swallowed. "I go to sleep telling myself that every night, but it doesn't work." "Make it work then." AJ sighed, realising how harsh he sounded. "I'm sorry, Kevin, it's for your good as well as his. You'll only end up hurting yourself, and maybe him." "I can't stop loving him AJ. Just look at him." Kevin felt tears spring to his eyes. "Everything about him is the reason I exist." "I can't make you stop loving him." AJ finally reasoned. "And you can't either, not really." "So what can I do?" "Don't ever hurt him. Don't ever play on his innocence." "I wouldn't." Kevin whispered. "I love him too much." "Good." AJ nodded. "Because if you do hurt him, you'll hate yourself for the rest of your life. I don't know what you can do now, but I suggest you just try and steer clear of him, as least emotionally. Try and meet someone else. I don't know, just try and be happy." "I haven't been happy for a long time." Kevin confessed. AJ clasped Kevin's hand in his own. "You deserve to be, Kev. Just don't go chasing impossible dreams." "Thanks, AJ." "Jeez, and they call you the dad of the band." AJ smiled. Kevin joined in.
AJ's words had comforted him, and he felt better, knowing he had a true friend. However much friends were important though, it was no substitute for the love he yearned.
Chapter 3
Kevin looked around his new apartment. It was exactly what he needed. Space. His space. He was finding it increasingly uncomfortable to be around his family. It was kind of ridiculous, a twenty-six year old man living with his family. And they were a constant reminder of what he was.
"Why don't you settle down?" His mum would say. "There are loads of girls out there who would happily be in a relationship with you. Maybe even marriage."
He had merely sighed and told her he wasn't ready for that yet. It was true, he wasn't. The word 'yet' had been the only untruthful part of his answer. 'Never' would have been more fitting.
It had been almost two years now that Kevin had been in love with Nick. Two years of unrequited love. Nick had grown, both mentally and physically, but Kevin's feelings had remained the same. The only person who knew was AJ. The two only talked about it occasionally after Kevin had admitted it all those months ago, but it binded them, making their friendship stronger. It was AJ who Kevin talked to about his lifeless relationship with Brian, it was AJ who Kevin told first when he decided he was moving house. AJ knew about Kevin's fears, hope and dreams, and offered advice and friendship in times of desperation. Kevin realised that he could have possibly grown to love the twenty-one year old, if only he could get Nick out of his thoughts for a solitary moment.
Kevin had planned an early first night in his new flat. The move, although not strenuous, had been mentally exhausting. His parents questioning faces as he drove away, the feeling of needing to do this, but still being alone, all of it had worn him out.
His plans were shattered however, when he heard a knock at the door at about nine o clock. He sighed and stomped down the hall, opening the door with a tired expression on his face.
"Kev." AJ smiled, walking in as if he owned the place. "Thought I'd come round and do the house-warming bit. Nice slippers, by the way." He nodded to Kevin's 'comfy' shoes. Kevin smiled in spite of himself.
"I was planning on an early night." He tried to argue. "Aw, and I went all out of my way to buy these beers." AJ held up a six-pack. "Guess I'll just have to go drink them myself. Alone." He glared fakely at Kevin, who sighed. "Well when you put it like that."
"So then I told her, look baby, you gotta love me for me." AJ slurred drunkenly, looking over to Kevin for a hint of approval. "Who are we talking about now?" Kevin asked, having lost all track of the conversation about AJ's (many) conquests. "Latoya or Gina?" "Crystal." AJ rolled his eyes. "Keep up, Kev. Or has the senile bit finally kicked in?" "Ooh, that's pushing it, Bone." Kevin whacked a cushion round AJ's head. "Ok, ok." AJ gave in. "I'm too drunk to fight back." "You're the biggest light-weight I know, AJ." "I am not." AJ hiccupped. "I just get drunk on life." "And three beers." "Mmm, that too." AJ looked at Kevin with glazed eyes. "You still love him, don't you?" "Whoa, what brought that comment on?" "I can see it. You wish you was here with him, not me." "AJ, you don't just stop loving people. Especially not someone like Nick." "People always fall for the cute blonde. Never the freaky guy." "You want me to fall in love with you?" Kevin raised his eyebrows. "Well, it would be flattering." "I don't want to be in love with anyone where it's not requited." Kevin sighed. "How do you know it wouldn't be requited with me?" "Cos you're not." Kevin looked at him. "You don't know that." AJ whispered. He lent forward and brushed his lips against Kevin responded at first by drawing away in surprise, and then leaning back in and increasing the intensity of the kiss. Suddenly, AJ pulled sharply away, and stood up. "I have to go." "AJ." Kevin stood up after him, following him out of the room. "AJ, I'm sorry." "So am I." AJ muttered. He tripped over some of Kevin's shoes out in the hallway, and lent against the wall for support. "At least let me drive you home." Kevin pleaded. "You're drunk." "So are you." "No, I've only had one beer." "I'm not gonna be second best, Kevin." AJ told him. "I'm sorry, I can't live that kind of life." "I'm not asking you to." Kevin shook his head. "It was a mistake. I'm really sorry AJ." "Yeah." AJ spat out the words bitterly. "Me too."
After much persuasion, Kevin finally managed to get AJ to let him take him home in the car. They had remained in silence for the entire journey, and when AJ got out of the car he had muttered his thanks and walked to his house without a backward glance. Now at home, Kevin tried to make sense of what had happened. They had kissed, that was apparent. And AJ seemed to have wanted it. It was only when Kevin had become more passionate that he had pulled away.
Out of all the people in the band, AJ was the last person Kevin would have thought of as being gay. His endless stories about the different girls he had every night, his look of appreciation every time a girl with a nice butt had walked past, it simply didn't make sense. But then, I expect the others think that of me, Kevin told himself. Okay, so he didn't openly flirt with girls, but he didn't look 'gay'.
So what just happened? Kevin asked himself. Was it just AJ's drunkenness that had led him to do it? Curiousness? No, it had been more than that. His words to Kevin still remained fresh in his mind; "I'm not gonna be second best, Kevin." Obviously he meant second best to Nick, but that seemed to confirm that AJ did want Kevin to love him. Shit, this is a mess, Kevin sighed inwardly. He couldn't love AJ, not like that. It wouldn't be fair to anyone. Nick was the only person he was capable of loving, and, as much as Kevin didn't like it, that was the truth.
He suddenly desperately wanted to see Nick. They had the weekend off, which meant a whole two days without him. Kevin hugged his pillow, willing it to turn into Nick. It never happened. Why did he have to love him? Why couldn't Nick love him back? Why did AJ have to do this, and confuse things even further? Kevin closed his eyes. He could ask these questions forever, and probably never get an answer. For now he had to be content with the memories of happier days, when Kevin's life wasn't made a living hell by mixed-up feelings of the people he had called friends.
And so, the story unfurls. Actually, I was quite moved writing this chapter. I hope it had the same effect for the people reading it.
Thank you to everyone who has e-mailed me about this story, it's been really appreciated. I've tried to reply to everyone, but it is hard, so if I don't reply to you, it's not cos I can't be bothered, it's simply cos I have lots to do. I still read everyone's mail, and love it all. Please keep sending it.