Looking Deeper
Chapter 4
The Definition of Justice
Clay. I definitely wasn't expecting this. At first, I thought perhaps Joe had taken off after me, but then realized how foolish a thought that was. Big Joes didn't care about me, why would he waste his time running after me? But then this just confused me even more.
Why would Clay waste his time to come after me? He liked me even less than Joe did. That much was obvious when I walked into the fucking room' and he looked over me like I was less than human. The way he was looking at me now, though, was a huge contrast to the one he'd given me in the back in the fucking room'. He looked regretful; almost sad. I wondered why that was. And then I remembered I was STILL crying. God, it just wasn't going to stop! It was frustrating and I tried to get a hold on my emotions but that just made me start sobbing in earnest.
Clay was at a loss as to what to do. Should he hold the crying boy and comfort him? But wouldn't that make him a pansy? However, watching Trey sob like this pulled at his heartstrings and Clay quicly opened the door to Trey's car, got in, and pulled Trey in with him. After he was sure noone could see them; after all, Clay had a reputation to protect, and on the streets, holding a white boy, or any boy for that matter, while he cried was one of the lowest things a man can do. Clay just held Trey, letting him sob.
"Shhhh, shhhh, guy. It's okay." The words of comfort were awkward as Clay was not used to consoling people, but they were in no way forced. The only other time Clay could ever remember having to do this for someone else was when he held Dante, his little brother, when Dante's best friend was shot and killed in a random drive-by while playing basketball. That's just how it is on the streets; fair or not, that's the way it is and Clay was used to loss, and revenge he reminded himself.
The night Dante had come to him in his sorrow, Clay swore to himself he would get revenge. Weeks, and then months went by, and Clay became obsessed with trying to find his brother's best friend's killers. It was in those months that Clay got his reputation of being a ruthless, cold blooded killer.
When he finally found the source of Dante's hurt, he annihilated them. Sure, it was against the law, but the law didn't exactly save Dante's childhood friend now did it? No, it didn't even give a damn. The murder wasn't even recognized outside of the hood in which he lived. While other people were living safe in their comfortable homes under their secure rooftops, an innocent fourteen year old boy was murdered. And the law didn't give half a shit, so Clay sought his own source of justice. It was another strangled sob that brought Clay to the present, and he realized Trey was beginning to calm down.
"Hey man, you aiight?" Clay was surprised at his voice; it sounded uncertain. If Clay was one thing, it wasn't uncertain. He was confident; almost arrogant at times, so the uncertainty he was feeling just then was confusing to him.
"I'm sorry." I said, now feeling humiliated over the fact that I had just cried in the arms of a guy who couldn't stand me. Clay just looked at me.
"Hey man, it's all good. But what was up with that? You just came in and then ran out? Big Joe was pretty pissed."
"I don't care." I said quietly; disgusted that I even went to Big Joe in the first place. What had I been thinking? "He just wants a good fuck. I hate him."
Clay laughed and I felt myself go red.
"What?" I asked, slightly annoyed he was laughing.
"So, you're a good fuck then?" He asked in a low, husky voice.
I went redder and broke eye cotact. I decided I really had to watch what I say around Clay.
Clay must have noticed my discomfort because he gave me a tight squeeze that had him looking extremely uncomfortable as I fought off the sudden urge to hug him back.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that Trey."
I looked him right in the eyes, and found myself getting lost in them.
"Will you kiss me?" As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them. I looked down ashamed at myself, but not before I saw Clay's eyes widen in surprise. I decided that the car was way too confining a space, and that some fresh air would be nice. I quickly scrambled out of Clay's lap, threw open the door, and jumped out. Clay didn't hesitate to follow.
Clay was shocked when Trey asked him for a kiss, but he wasn't entirely opposed to the idea. He was a clear, logical thinker and had accepted that he was gay years ago. However, just because he knew what he was didn't mean he had the freedom to act on his sexuality. He was from the hood, and gay men just don't exist there, and if they do, they stay hidden deep in the closet. Clay himself has a girlfriend. But the first time he laid his eyes on Trey, Clay felt an instant attraction to him that he'd never experienced before and found he did want to kiss him. Before he could say anything though, Trey turned to face Clay.
"I'm sorry." I rushed out, scared that Clay would try to beat me or something. Clay wasn't gay and I knew that having a gay guy hit on him had to piss him off. "I shouldn't have done that. I mean, I know I'm gay and everything, but that doesn't mean...I mean...uhhhh, I'm sorry okay? Really, really, sorry. You're not going to kill me are you?"
Clay just laughed at the absurdity of my question as I stared at him increulously. I just asked him to kiss me! Me! A gay guy, and he's not trying to pound me into the ground? I sighed in relief.
However, when Clay's face suddenly got more serious than I'd ever seen him, and he started walking towards me; I started to panic, but couldn't bring myself to run away. I was frozen in fear and closed my eyes tightly, lowering my head as I bit my lip waiting for the blows to come.
They didn't. Instead, the next thing I know, a rough, calloused hand is gently raising my head and I flinched but allowed Clay to tilt my head back a little. I was too afraid of what he would do if I didn't let him. He'd probably beat me into the ground. When I felt his soft lips on my own, my eyes flew open and I almost pushed away from him. That is, until Clay wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me impossibly close to him.
By body went wild at the contact, and I closed my eyes again as he chuckled lightly at my growing erection. My only defense being I've never kissed before and the sensation of his lips on mine was incredibly arousing. Sure, Joe fucks me all the time, but he's never kissed me or allowed me to kiss him, and the one time I tried simply out of curiosity, he beat the living shit out of me and I never tried to do so again.
Clay began to lick and suck at my lips, obviously wanting entrance to my mouth. I didn't deny him and as I opened my mouth, he slipped in. I moaned loudly, and felt Clay's lips widen in a smile when he heard me.
He began to kiss me deeply as his tongue explored every inch of my mouth. This being my first kiss, I wasn't exactly sure what to do. I unassuredly rubbed my tongue against his and this time he moaned; it was my turn to smile. I kept doing that for a couple seconds because he obviously liked it. I was totally unprepared when he sucked my tongue into this mouth and we were pulled closer together; if that were even humanly possible.
We abruptly broke the kiss when we heard loud whistles and the words `dirty fags' thrown our way. I pulled out of my cloudy haze almost instantly and looked up at Clay. He looked pissed and I shrank back away from him. I couldn't get very far, however, because I was backed up against my car.
"I'm sorry." I whispered, but he was silent. "Look, I didn't mean for this to happen," I tried again to reason with him. When he didn't respond, I decided I would try just one last time.
"Clay?" Nothing. He didn't say a word, but he did reach around me to open the car door, but not before he shoved me out of the way.
"Drive." It was the only thing he said after climbing in, and roughly pulled me back into the driver's seat. I didn't hesitate to start my car. He was still bigger and even if we did just kiss, it wasn't looking like he would hesitate to beat me into the ground at the moment; God knows he looked angry enough.
The silence was deafening and my nerves were put on edge. I quickly stole a glance at Clay. He was stiff and seemed to be almost confused with what had just happened. I thought his reaction was frustrating. He had obviously liked the kiss; he had inititated it in fact! So why was he so angry all of a sudden? I couldn't make head or toe out of his reactions and it annoyed me. I decided to break the silence but Clay got to it before I could.
"Look, this never happened okay?"
Okay, what the hell? No seriously, what the fuck? The guy had just given me my first kiss and now he wanted to pretend it didn't happen. I glanced over at him again and this time my face clearly showed my frustration.
"Trey-"
"Fine!" I cut him off. "It never happened. We'll just pretend you don't know me and I dont know you. Things will go back to normal. Happy?" I was so angry at this point, and a little hurt. Why? I wasn't sure. It wasn't like I loved him or anything. Hell, I didn't even LIKE the guy, so where was the hurt coming from? I honestly didn't know and it just made my head pound to think about it, so I didn't.
Clay must have noticed my anger because he was looking at me kind of funny. Like he was regretting what he had just said, but his next words crushed any hope for that.
"Good. It's just..." he trailed off and turned away from me to stare out the window.
"It's just what, Clay?" I said, decidng not to let him off the hook that easily.
"It's better this way. You don't know me and I don't know you. Lets just keep it that way, okay?" His voice was hard, and made-up apparently. I just nodded, kicking myself for even wanting the asshole to kiss me. It was just a kiss. That's all. It didn't matter that it was my first or that it was the most amazing thing I'd ever felt in my entire life. In the end, it was still just a stupid, little kiss that meant absolutely nothing to me. Just like he meant nothing to me. In fact, he meant so little to me that I decided I was never going to talk to him again. Ever.
"Am I not good enough for you or something." Open mouth, insert foot. It was that easy! Or, at least, it should have been. Why couldn't I just stick to my plan of never talking to him again?
"What?" he asked, looking at me completely confused.
"It's because of Joe isn't it?" I aked quietly as a new horror finally dawned on me.
"What are you talking about?" he sounded annoyed now, and he was still completely confused, if his blank stare was any indication.
"You don't like me because of what I do, right? That's the reason you got mad when you kissed me isn't it?" Slowly, all the pieces were beginning to fit and I found my voice rising to a near shout. "You think I'm some kind of fucking low-life cunt, don't you? God, I can't believe I let you kiss me!" I said, wiping my mouth like I had just eaten something vile.
"What the hell are you talking about?! When did I ever call you were a `lowlife' Trey? When?" Clay shouted back. Sure, he didn't like what Trey did, but it wasn't like he didn't understand it. He knew tons of girls in his neighborhood who did the same thing. It was survival; how could he look down on someone who was fighting to survive? What Trey was saying just wasn't making any sense, and it was beginning to piss him off.
"That first night you met me, you did! You said, and I quote `what kind of man does that?' You said I wasn't a man and you called me a pussy! Does that ring a bell Clay? Huh?"
"Shit, Trey. When I realized the kind of `deal', if you can even call it that, you had with Joe, I was pissed. I was pissed you were selling yourself to someone like Big Joe. He's an asshole and treats you like shit. Why do you do this to yourself, man?!"
"That's none of your business, asshole. Besides I don't have to tell you shit; it's not like you care anyways."
I was half staring, half glaring at the road now. I refused to look at Clay. I refused. I wasn't going to do it. Nope, still wasn't gonna.
Aww, shit.
I gave in. Clay was staring at me with an incredulous look on his face when I briefly turned to glare at him. My glare faltered and it was my turn to look confused. He didn't care. Or maybe...NO! He didn't. I was sure of it; if anything Clay thought I was just easy ass.
"Pull over here."
"No." I responded defiantly. I was not going to let him tell me what to do whily we were in MY car.
"I'm not kidding, Trey. PULL OVER NOW!" His tone was dripping with authority and I found myself holding on stronger to my resolve not to pull over; or do anything he wanted for that matter.
"Why should I?"
"Look around you, Trey. Do you even recognize where we are? Downtown Chicago. White boys like you are like appetizers for the boys in this place man. They see you driving `round here, you'll get fucked up faster that you can blink. Now pull over and let me drive or do I get to pick out your tombstone?"
I wasn't sure if it was the word appetizers or tombstone, but whichever one it was, it had me pulling over. I was about to climb out of the car to change seats with Clay when he roughly pulled my are back away from the door. He must have seen my confusion as I looked at him because he started to explain.
"Get out of this car in those clothes, that white skin of yours, and that hair, and you'll be wishing you were dead. This is what we call the hood Trey. Most people here don't like white boys, especially white boys that look like you."
"So, how are you supposed to drive then?" I asked, and the way he stared at me would make you think I'd just asked him to shoot his own dog.
"Are you stupid? No, really?" He asked again when I shot him a look, clearly telling him I wasn't laughing. "Dude, look, it's not that hard." Clay then opened his door, got out and walked over to my side of the car.
"Skoot." He asked, but to me it sounded more like an order and I felt the urge to argue with him again. I take orders from noone, but seeing where I was I knew that arguing was definitely not in my best interest. I moved over in quiet defeat; fuming and wondering just exactly how I had managed to get us stuck in the middle of downtown Chicago. My worry turned into curiosity a couple minutes later when I realized that Clay knew his way around downtown Chicago like I knew the back of my hand.
"So you come here often, Clay?" I asked, wondering if that was why he knew the area so well. His laughter perplexed me further and didn't help to answer my question at all. "What?" I asked when he simply grinned at me, shaking his head.
Clay looked over at me, barely paying attention to the road. His amusement was showing clearly in his eyes when he said, "I live here, Trey. So yeah, I guess you could say I come here often."
"Oh." I said embarassed and feeling stupid. Those feelings intensified when I heard him laugh again. He had a nice laugh. Almost musical..
...Wait! I did not just think that. I mean sure, it was loud, deep and throaty, and totally sexy but...Crap this could not get any worse. I was noticing every little thing about Clay; like the sexy way he laughed, or the way his eyes flashed when he got angry, or the way they seemed to light up when he smiled. Even the way they seemed to get ten shades darker when he was kissing me. God, I did not just think that, did I? Damn.
I looked over Clay for about the hundredth time that night and he was smirking at me and I blushed! He laughed again and I went redder! This was just fucking ridiculous I decided. I was acting like some shy school girl that had just discovered the opposite sex. It was sickening really. Now I know how Kyle feels when we tease him about John, and I smiled at the thought.
I began to wonder what the guys would think of Clay. Would they like him? Hate him? It was obvious Clay didn't look like the type of guy to hang with us goths, but maybe, with some gentle persuasion I could get the guys to open up to him. But then I was brought back down to earth when I realized Clay didn't want that. He wanted to pretend everything was normal. He wanted nothing to do with me! Wow, that was a sobering thought, and I decided to confront Clay about it.
"Did you mean it when you said you wanted to pretend...THAT didn't happen?" I asked, and he sighed.
"You can say kiss, Trey. It's not a dirty word you know." He replied quietly.
So, he was ignoring my questin then, huh? Well he could try but I was digging for answers here and I was alot more stubborn than he was; at least I hoped I was.
"Don't avoid my question Clay. Were you serious when you said that?"
"Trey-" he started warily, but I stopped him before he could go any further.
"It's simple; did you mean it? Yes or no?" I asked again and this time my voice had a bitter edge that didn't sound like me.
"Yes...no. God, I don't know Trey."
"How can you not know Clay? I mean come on!"
"Trey, we don't even know each other, man! All I know about you is you let Joe and guys like Joe, fuck you! Oh and yeah, I'm going to your school. Other than that, nothing! And what do you know about me?! Other that I'm gay, what?!"
I went silent for a moment. He was right; I didn't know anything about him, but was it such a crime that I wanted to get to know him? Was it a crime that I felt comfortable with him? Was it really so bad that I trusted him? And then it hit me.
"I trust you." It was all I could say and he just gaped, wide-eyed and open-mouthed at me.
"What the hell does that have to do with anything? Are you completely crazy? You don't know me and yet you trust me. How does that make any sense?!"
"First off, it has everything to do with this. And second, you're right it doesn't make any sense at all. I know that. I just met you, what? Yesterday? And you hang out with Big Joe, who I hate with a passion, so usually I wouldn't like you any more than him, but I don't know. I'm so confused." I said, putting my head in my hands. It really didn't make sense. Maybe I was just that screwed up.
"Look Trey, Big Joe and I aren't friends. We are strictly business partners. Understand?"
"Uhhh, no. Not really. I mean is this like a family business? You're still in high school, so how can you have a business?" I asked, seriously perplexed. Clay did nothing to ease my confusion when he smiled.
"You're so naive."
I took immediate offense to that. If I was anything, it was not naive.
"I am not!" I shrieked haughtily, but my curiosity got the better of me. "What did you mean, though, by `business partners'?"
Clay laughed in that loud and deep laugh of his and I thought I was going to go insane. Maybe I already was. I sighed.
"If you haven't figured that out yet, then I'm not going to tell you." He threw a huge, shit-eating grin my way and I scowled in response.
"Fine. Be a dick."
Clay just grinned wider and my jaw clenched tighter in response.