Lost By Thian
feedback: spazmaster00@aol.com Disclaimers: all the usual applies....Don't know the guys :( and I don't know of their sexual orientations. Don't read this if it's illegal for you (too young).If it offends you to read about m/m stuff (can't say sex...it's not here yet), hit that delete key, we'll all be the better for it. Angst warnings galore.....
I wanna thank the wonderful people at nsyncslash and joshslash...you all rock! Some stories that i personally adore: Scarce Heard by Colleen, Cosmic Companions (OMG, LOVE IT), Brian and Me, Dying Eyes and a whole bunch of others....rock on.
Now....on with part one: ==========================================
The sky was grey on the last night of the "No Strings" tour- a sky that JC would remember for the rest of his life. It was a day that destroyed his life, and quite possibly his career. It was the day he dared to bare his soul.
He'd told Justin a secret - one he'd been hiding all of his life. Justin had damned him for it. He'd been damned for being himself, and for loving another man. Over the years, JC had gotten used to the cruel jokes and snide remarks, but the fact that they were now coming from his best friend...well, it wasn't good.
The rain had started to fall as JC looked out the window. He didn't want to believe that that was really Justin running from him, but he had no choice. Justin was running from him, whether it was from fear or not, it didn't matter. What mattered was that Justin wasn't there when JC needed him the most.
JC turned from the window, willing the tears to remain unshed. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't allow himself to cry. That would mean that Justin won. It would mean that everything he'd said to JC was right. It would mean that JC really was a pussy, a wimp and a faggot. "Men don't cry!" JC said to himself.
He found his way through the clutter and chaos to the bed. He cleared what was left of his unpacked clothes and collapsed. He pulled the covers back and crawled onto the mattress. He welcomed the warmth and the security that the blankets had willingly provided. "Justin should be my security" and that last thought of Justin proved to be too much for JC--the tears came.
The first wave of tears was light, but as his thoughts progressed, he found that he couldn't control the flow. As he lay in a ball, he couldn't help but wonder what he'd done to Justin to receive his hate. The tears continued, now uncontrollably as JC lay curled up in his lonely bed. Through his anger and pain, sleep finally came.
He awoke a few minutes later to the sound of knocking on the door. He briefly thought that it could be Justing wanting to apologize, but quickly scratched that idea. Justin had made is position quite clear. Slowly, he rose from the bed, stumbling again over the clutter that Justin had left behind in his haste.
JC made his way to the door, warily wanting to see who it was on the other side. As he reached for the doorknob, he noticed a tremble in his hands. Considering the emotional shock he was going through, it was no small wonder.
He opened the door to find Chris waiting patiently on the other side. He admitted his visitor with a wary eye and unsteady hand. Chris gave him an odd look and entered the room.
"What's up, drone-head?" Chris asked, jokingly. "Bad night with a groupie?"
"Not funny Chris. Have you heard what happened?" JC solemnly asked.
"It was hard not to hear the shouting. I'm sorry buddy, he'd no right to treat you like that." Chris said pulling JC into a hug.
At the physical contact, JC found the tears returning. Unwilling and unable to stop them, he just let them flow, freely. Chris held tightly as the younger man shook in his arms. Chris was dumbfounded at the way Justin had treated his friend- saying the thing's he'd no right saying. And now he was gone, not a trace, not a clue as to where he'd gone.
"Have you all found him yet?" JC managed to ask.
"Not yet, Joe and Lance are still looking, New York is a big city." Chris said drolly as he gently rocked JC in his eager arms. As much as he hurt for his friend, Chris couldn't help feeling some sort of contentment comforting him.
"How much did you hear?"
"All of it." Chris said flatly, "Why didn't you ever tell us?"
"I was scared...scared that you all would react the way Justin did." He croaked between sobs. "Why was he so...so mean? So uncaring?"
"First, we all love you- no matter what"
"THEN WHY DID HE LEAVE! WHY DID HE LEAVE ME HERE ALONE!" JC screamed at the older man. "He can't love me" he finished with a whimper
A new wave of emotion overswept JC as he desperately clung to Chris's stability. "How is it that Chris was always the stable one?" he wondered. He was always the guiding force. Through all the trials and tests, Chris always stood strong. He was a rock for the other guys.
"Why, Chris?" JC was pleading for an answer. He needed an answer- some sort of explaination. "He said that everything we've done together, everything that I was, was a lie. He said that I mean nothing to him now." he finished, anguish apparent in his voice.
"There's only one person who can answer tha--"
"Yeah, and he's gone" JC cut him off. "Who do I have now? I have nobody..."
"Don't be so sure of that," Chris thought, hugging JC tighter.
So, they sat in silence. A deafening, heart wrenching silence that Chris, despite his efforts, could not lift. He understood what his friend was feeling, fore he too had reacted once the same way Justin had. Chris knew Justin well enough to know that he'd reacted out of hatred/loathing/disgust. But Chris had reacted out of fear- out of misunderstanding.
It was a long time ago that one of Chris's friends had come out to him, admitting his feelings for the singer. Chris had shouted a long stream of hateful words, words that he now regretted. They were words that caused him to lose one of the greatest friends of his life. All because of his fear of being gay himself, his fear of being hated himself.
And now JC is on the recieving end of such hatred. Chris had devoutly wished that Justin had never said those things. And he hoped even more that Justin didn't mean them. Only time would tell, and Chris would be here to see JC through it.
If Justin did come around, Chris was sure that he'd have to set aside his feelings for JC. He didn't want to stand in the way of something that JC thought he wanted so badly. He'd just have to wait and see.