LOVE.
That word keeps entering my mind, especially after what my father showed me while I was out. Would I actually find love someday? I wondered.
All night at home that evening I was distracted and my aunt and uncle could see it. "Is something on your mind, dear?' Aunt Mary asked looking at me. "No, Aunt Mary, I'm just missing dad." I said to her sighing deeply, fighting off the tears. It was only a partial lie. I mean, how could anyone understand what I'd seen?
I didn't understand fully what I'd seen. This next part is a little weird. I heard a whisper in my ear and it sounded like my dad. He said, "Remember what I showed you, son. He`s closer than you think." I decided to keep it to myself because I didn't want to appear that I was losing my mind.
That night, I let Josh sleep in my bed again. I know he was still hurting and it was up to his big brother to make him feel better. I didn't know how to though, because I was just as big a mess. Josh nestled into me the whole night.
At 7:05 am my alarm clock rang. I was dreading school and plus, I had my first therapy appointment today.
About five minutes later we got up. I had to raging hard on, but figured that going to the bathroom would alleviate my problem. It did. Josh was already downstairs when I arrived in the kitchen. All I could think about was what I had heard my dad tell me.
I don't even want to talk about the rest of my day. It was just that spent the entire day distracted and therefore wasn't really paying any attention. That jerk Eric Johnson wasn't there today, so I was pretty much left alone.
As I got in my aunt's car, she was talking to Josh about going to the mall after my rehab appointment.
We got to the fifth floor of the hospital where I was to see a Dr. Banks. Aunt Mary and Josh waited as I sat down.
"Good afternoon, Sam, my name is Dr. Travis Banks. I nodded at him and we shook hands. He looked to be a man in his early to mid forties, his hair wasn't thinning but it did have quite a bit of grey in it.
"I've read your file, Sam, do you want to tell me what happened?" "Not really." I said sadly. How could I begin to trust someone I didn't know? "It might help for you to talk about it."
I really didn't want to talk about it, but something told me I should. Maybe it was my dad again.
I was crying the whole time I told him about my dad dying and my best friend leaving and how we had to move here with our aunt. He just nodded every so often, letting me get it all out. I also told him about the trouble at school, but the last part about my dad, I kept to myself. I didn't need some shrink jumping on me about that, and I really didn't want it to stop.
He sat quiet for a few moments and then spoke. "Well, Sam, you have definitely been through a traumatic experience, more than anyone your age should. With that said, you definitely seem to depressed and I like to continue to see you and prescribe a mild anti-depressant." "Just great," I thought. "I really need this to get all over school. The poor orphan can't hack it so he has to be on pills to deal."
When I exited the office, I saw my aunt and Josh sitting there. They could see that I was visibly shaken up. Our aunt wrapped her arms around my small chest, cradling me against her and Josh put his small arms around my waist and squeezed me tight.
We left the hospital and headed towards the mall. I don't think any of us were ready to go home quite yet.
We got to the Deer Ridge Mall about 15 minutes later. Our aunt parked the car and we headed for the entrance. There was nothing exceptional about this mall, I mean you've seen one mall you've seen them all right?
Anyway, we were walking around with our aunt holding my hand and me holding Josh's hand. I saw a few clusters of girls walked by on the other side of aisle, they looked at me and saw me blush, then they turned away and giggled. Josh looked up at me confuse. I leaned down and whispered in his ear, "I was just trying to be polite Josh, I'm still gay." "Oh," he said. "I thought those girls were yucky looking anyway." Josh and I laughed. It felt good to laugh. I hadn't done much of that lately. I haven't had much of a reason to.
A few minutes later, I looked back to the other side of the aisle and I saw two boys, both with dark hair walking by. The younger of the two of them looked over my direction and smiled. He saw me blush and we turned away from each other. I thought to myself, could he be the boy that my dad was talking about? I wouldn't have to wait long to find out.
(This next part is of the POV of the dark haired boy)
Hi, my name is Max Parker. I am 14 years old with dark hair that's almost black. My eyes are deep blue, almost like the ocean. I have an older brother named Cody. He is almost 16 and towers over most everyone. He is already 6'1" tall and the doctor said he could grow as much as four more inches the next two years.
We were walking through the mall when I looked to my left and saw this really cute boy with brown hair. He was holding his younger brothers hand. Our eyes met briefly and then he blushed and turned away from me. I did the same, but not before Cody noticed. "Did you see something you liked?" Cody asked me with a sly grin. "Shut up." I said, blushing with embarrassment. He had me, he always had me when I saw a cute boy I liked. I'd never pursued anything before, but I'd told Cody I was gay a few months ago. Mom and dad followed. After the initial shock wore off, they were ok with it. I know my parents were grateful that Cody wasn't gay also because they really wanted grandchildren some day. I know there was some disappointment in their eyes but they never let me see it. All they ever said that they loved me.
(POV Sam)
I couldn't take my mind off that cute boy I saw, but surely he was just being nice right? And he couldn't possibly be gay right? And I probably wouldn't ever see him again right?
There was dad's voice again. "You've taken the first step, son. Don't stop now. And I'm very proud of you." I couldn't believe after everything I've done that he was proud of me. I wasn't even proud of me. I felt like a coward.
Before we left the mall, our aunt was determined that she buy me something, so I opted for an AC/DC t-shirt. I didn't particularly like the band, but the design on it was cool.
When we got back home, I felt hopefully optimistic about my situation. My uncle noticed that I seemed to be smiling a lot more. I didn't think that my aunt had noticed the exchange that occurred between me and the other boy, but she did, she just didn't want to embarrass me. They tried to question my good mood but I just said, "No reason," with a sly grin on my face and ran off to my room.
I went to sleep that night dreaming about that cute boy. I had never felt like that about anyone before.
I woke up the next morning with a big smile on my face. But then it quickly faded when I realized I would probably never see him again. "Don't worry, son, you'll see him again." I heard my dad say to me.
I smiled warmly inside so I could avoid any more questions.
I had my arm around Josh all the way to his school and then sat quietly for the rest of the ride to my school.
I got of my aunt's car and ran inside. I arrived at my locker about two minutes later. The locker next to mine was open. I had never seen anyone at that locker before. I opened my locker but I was more than a little curious as to whose locker this was. A moment later the locker closed and there stood the boy I'd seen yesterday. I couldn't believe it. I was stunned. I know I was staring a little too long and soon I found myself blushing. He just smiled at me but I knew I had to get out of there, so I turned and started to run. I didn't get very far before I felt a hand on my arm. "You're the boy from the mall yesterday right? I saw you there with your mom and brother." "She is actually my aunt." I can't believe I had just admitted to being there yesterday. My face began to redden. I tried to turn and run away again but he stopped me again. "I'm just trying to be friendly. You're new around here, right?" "Yea, I am, but you don't want to be friends with me." "Why not?" He asked confused. "Because I'm the school fag, alright." This time I did manage to get away before he could stop me again. I hadn't officially been outted or come out to anyone but my family, but that stupid jerk Eric Johnson sure made a point of making me feel like shit.
I ran to the nearest bathroom, went into one of the stalls and curled up in a ball on the floor and sobbed.
I missed my first two periods and I knew that that would get a call to my aunts house. It took me that long to compose myself. When I was sure no one was in the bathroom, I wiped my face at the sink and walked back to my locker. The cute boy walked up to his locker, opened it, looked at me with a sad face, grabbed his books and walked away without saying anything. "God, I had fucked up, now he hated me too."
I couldn't pay any attention in third period class. I asked to be excused about 10 minutes before the bell rang. The teacher allowed me to leave.
I was walking so fast that I didn't even see that I had walked into someone. It was the boy from before. My books went flying from my hands and he looked back angrily until he realized it was me. "I am so sorry," I said as I bent down to pick up my books. Much to my surprise, he leaned down and helped me collect some papers. When he handed them to me, he smiled warmly at me.
I leaned back against my locker with my legs pulled tight to my chest and started crying. Now was not the time for it, but he sat down next to me and let me lay my head on his shoulder. Just before the halls became crowded again, who I would find out later was his brother, came up and said, "Not here kiddo." He helped us up and asked if we wanted to get out of here for a little while. It turned out all three of us had the same lunch period, so we got up and left. I wasn't feeling particularly hungry, so we walked to nearby park and sat on one of the benches.
The older boy reached out his hand and introduced himself to me. "Hi, I'm Cody Parker and this little runt here is my little brother Max Parker." He said, extending his hand. Max scowled at Cody. My eyes were bloodshot but I took Cody's hand. "Hi, I'm Sam Wainwright." I said sheepishly. "I'm sorry about earlier Max, I've just been a mess lately. I'm not ready to talk it about just yet." "What happened earlier?" Cody asked turning to Max. "I'm not mad Sam, I'm just hurt that you assumed I wouldn't want to be your friend just because you're gay." I turned instantly white with fear because he had just outted me to his brother. "Oh, so that's what this is about." Cody said. Cody took both of our hands in his and said, "Look at this one here, he's gay too." I was shocked to say the least. My father had been right after all.
Before we left Cody suggested that the three of us talk. We agreed and thought that tonight or tomorrow would be best.
On our way back to school, I gave my aunt a call from Cody's cell phone and asked her if I could to a friends house after school instead of coming home right away. She was inclined not to let me because I'd skipped two classes that morning, she relented and said yes and that we would talk about why I had skipped my classes today. I thanked her and said we were all set.
The last 3 periods of the day went by very quickly for me. I was so happy that tomorrow was Friday and that perhaps I had made a couple of friends today.