This story is a work of fiction. It depicts a romance between two consenting adult males and may contain some descriptions of sexual acts, again between two consenting adult males. If you are not of legal age to read this kind of story, please leave now. If you reside in an area where reading stories that include sexual situations between two consenting adult males is illegal, please leave now. This story is for entertainment purposes only. Any similarity to any person(s) living or dead is simply a coincidence. The author retains all rights to this story. It cannot be reproduced in any form without expressed written permission from the author (me). Please contact the author for any requests. Copyright 2005.
Feedback (and criticism) is ALWAYS appreciated and welcome. Please respond to this story at: jaden.scott@adelphia.net
I look forward to hearing from all of you and I will respond if you write to me. Thanks to all of you who have written so far with your encouraging words. I have appreciated every one of them. Jaden
Please watch for changes in POINT-OF-VIEW
These two chapters are dedicated to my future wife, Vicky. (I'll say it again-we're only getting married to get the free presents and the MONEY!!) Thanks so much for helping me out with these two chapters and letting me use your laptop. I really appreciate your insights. They helped me finish these chapters, which were incredibly hard for me to write. I consider you a very good friend of mine. Love you!! Jaden, aka 2nd Husband, aka T.J.
LOVER'S LANE
by Jaden
From the end of Chapter Fifteen:
LANE'S POINT OF VIEW
He turned and started walking toward his house. I watched him until he was completely out of sight. I felt so much better now that I knew he was starting to come around. I hoped that he would feel comfortable tomorrow night and tell me what was on his mind. I was going to do everything I could to make him feel relaxed. Hopefully he'll open up and I can finally learn the truth about my mystery man. Saturday night suddenly seemed like a long time away.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM...WALVERN BLVD.
JADEN'S POINT OF VIEW
His hands slid down my naked torso. They lingered for a minute on the skin just above the top of my pants. His ice-cold fingers traced a circle around my belly button. Suddenly, he grabbed my pants and yanked them down. He touched the waistband of my underwear and then moved his hands even lower until they were touching my...
"NOOOOOOOO!!" I screamed as I shot out of bed. I fell to he floor, gasping for breath. My heart was racing and I was soaked in my own sweat. Images of Leon and the intense fear I had felt during the kidnapping slowly faded from my mind. I sat back against my bed and brought my hands up to my face. I realized I was crying. George hopped down off the bed and curled up in my lap. I started petting him very gently as I tried to calm myself down.
I'm not sure how long we sat there like that. I didn't get up until I was positive my legs could support me. I made my way into the bathroom and turned on the light. I squinted for a few seconds as my eyes adjusted to the bright intrusion. I walked over to the sink, turned on the water, and splashed my face. I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed that my eyes were completely bloodshot.
The nightmares were back and they were as bad as they had ever been. Maybe worse. I hadn't had a nightmare about "IT" since I was fifteen years old. Now, I was having them every night, ever since the party at Lane's house. I told Dr. Swatt about them on Thursday when we had our regular therapy session. She felt this development was a positive step forward in my recovery process. I respected her professional opinion, but I wasn't so sure I agreed with her.
According to my doctor, I had repressed these memories for far too long. A combination of factors had triggered them, ranging from meeting Lane and developing feelings for him, to Kaylie's treatment of me at the party. Dr. Swatt theorized that in addition to helping me deal with my feelings about the kidnapping, my mind might also be using the nightmares as a defensive mechanism. As my feelings for Lane deepened, and as I accepted the fact that he was developing feelings for me, the idea of intimacy and sex became a real possibility. The things Leon did to me caused me to be very afraid of anything related to sex. It was possible that I was so afraid of crossing into that territory with Lane my mind was trying to remind me of the pain I felt when Leon had done those sexual things to me. I would be less inclined to do anything sexual with Lane and, therefore, I wouldn't have those feelings again. All of that was convoluted psychiatric mumbo-jumbo as far as I was concerned.
I couldn't see the positive side of having to endure these terrifying images night after night. The doctor assured me the nightmares would start to fade as I processed and dealt with what Leon had done to me once and for all. While I wanted to be healed and, eventually, enjoy a healthy relationship, these nightmares were really starting to take a toll on me.
I dried my face and walked over to my dresser to get some dry clothes. I was going to have to do some extra laundry next week because of all the clothes I had been going through, I thought. After I changed, I looked over at my alarm clock and saw that it was 3:45AM. I decided to lie back down in bed, even though I was fairly certain I wouldn't be able to sleep again tonight. To be honest, I didn't want to close my eyes because I was afraid more images of Leon would start flooding my brain.
As I lay in bed, I realized it was Saturday. I'm supposed to have dinner with Lane tonight!! Yesterday, I told Lane that I wanted to talk to him about something. I was planning on telling him about "IT", but I wasn't sure if I could go through with it. Dr. Swatt was convinced that I had to tell Lane about this part of my life. She gave me a very hard sell during our appointment the other day, saying things like it was 'important to my recovery' that I tell him. I knew she was right, but I had no clue what I was going to say to him. How do you tell a guy you like something like this?? And, after I tell him, isn't it possible he might reject me after learning I'm 'damaged goods'?? My gut instinct told me that Lane wouldn't turn his back on me after learning about my past. I was afraid, however, that he would only want to be my friend and he wouldn't want anything to do with me romantically. There was simply no way to know how he was going to react to my story.
However he reacted, I knew that Lane was a really sweet guy. I mean, I had essentially ignored him all week long, but that didn't stop him from trying to get through to me. I felt horrible about the way I had treated him, but it was just so hard to face him. I felt embarrassed about the way I had acted, first at the party on Saturday night, and then with Lane on Sunday morning. I had to force myself to go to the gym or the track to work out with him each day.
Everything that happened with Kaylie at the party had been horrible, to say the least. Still, once I had a chance to calm down, I had to admit that I was glad I learned, once and for all, that Lane was gay. It was nice not to have that uncertainty to deal with anymore. Kaylie also said that Lane liked me. Me!! I had so many mixed emotions about that bit of information, ranging from incredible happiness to abject fear. At first, I hadn't been sure I could believe what Kaylie said about Lane, especially in regards to his feelings for me. But, the more I thought about it, I realized she was being completely truthful in those few moments after I freaked out. She was trying to hurt Lane, and sometimes the best way to hurt someone to tell the truth. Dr. Swatt was quick to remind me (again) at our session that I wasn't ready to jump into a full-fledged relationship right now. At the same time, she felt it would be OK for me to continue my friendship with Lane. I had to walk a fine line. I needed to get closer to Lane without plunging into a relationship. I wasn't sure how I was going to do that.
I didn't think I would, but at some point I must have drifted off to sleep, because the next thing I knew, George was licking my face to wake me up. I sat up in bed. I felt a little bit better than I had when I woke up in the middle of the night.
I was seriously starting to consider Dr. Swatt's offer to give me something to help me sleep. I simply couldn't continue on this way. At some point, my grades would start to suffer and I wasn't going to let that happen. I forced myself out of bed and, after getting ready to go running with Lane, George and I left for the track. We saw Lane when we were about halfway there and continued the rest of the journey together. After we had exchanged pleasantries, we finished our walk to the track in companionable silence.
We stretched out and started our run. Lane had come a long way since that first day we ran together. His endurance and stamina were vastly improved, and he was able to keep up with me for about seventy-five percent of the run. After three weeks of this kind of cardiovascular exercise, I could see changes in his body. He didn't lose any muscle mass like he feared he would when he started running with me. He was leaner, though. He might have shed a couple pounds of excess weight, and the effect it had on his body was stunning. His muscles looked more defined. He was hot before, but now he was scorching. I couldn't believe this awesome specimen of man liked me. I felt so unworthy.
After we completed our run, we walked one lap to cool down, as usual. About halfway around the track, Lane started speaking to me, our first real conversation of the day.
"So, I was wondering...are you still coming over tonight for dinner??" He had such a hopeful tone in his voice.
"Um...yeah. I was still planning on it. You...you don't have to cook dinner for me if you don't want to." I told him.
"No. A bet's a bet. Besides," he said as he turned to look at me in the eyes, "I...I WANT to make dinner for you."
My heart, which was just slowing down after our run, started to beat faster again. He was looking at me so intensely and I couldn't break eye contact with him. He sounded so...serious. This dinner was really important to him. At that moment, all doubts about going to dinner tonight vanished from my mind. I wasn't going to let him down.
"I promise I'll be there." I said. "7:30PM, right??"
"Yep." He said, the big smile (the one I was learning to love) back on his face.
We walked about twenty more feet before Lane started speaking again.
"Um...Jaden, I wanted to ask you something. Were you still going to play basketball with the guys and me this afternoon??"
I had completely forgotten about the weekly basketball game. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face those guys yet. I mean, they all know I'm GAY!! I wondered if it would be any different hanging out with them now that they knew my secret. Lane noticed my hesitation and he quickly spoke again.
"Jaden, I think I understand why you might be feeling...reluctant to want to play with us. But, please listen to me. You don't need to worry about the guys. They WANT you to play. Their feelings about you haven't changed because of ANYTHING that's happened."
I could tell that Lane had chosen his words carefully, and I appreciated the fact that he didn't name specific events from the party as possible reasons for my hesitation. I still wasn't sure what to think. Could I trust the guys to treat me the same way they had before they knew I was gay?? Ultimately, I decided that I trusted Lane, enough to know that he wouldn't lie to me.
We finished walking our lap and headed over to the area near the front entrance where we had put our extra things before we started running. It occurred to me that if I didn't go play basketball, I would just be hiding from the other guys. If I was going to stay friends with Lane, I couldn't avoid them forever. Like quickly ripping a band-aid off, I figured I needed to face these guys...TODAY...before I psyched myself out anymore than I already had.
"I'll...I'll play." I said to Lane.
"AWESOME!! Seriously dude, everything will be OK. I promise."
As Lane was saying that last sentence, he put his hand on my back, right underneath my shoulder blade. I would have expected myself to have a negative reaction to his touch, especially considering the nightmares I had been having recently. But, I didn't get any type of bad feeling. In fact, I actually leaned INTO his hand. We stood like that for a few seconds. His touch felt so good. Suddenly, I realized what I was doing and I abruptly pulled away from his hand. Lane didn't let on if he noticed my action.
"Um...same time, same place for the game??" I asked him.
"Absolutely." Lane was quiet for a few moments and then he looked me in the eye. "Jaden...I'm really glad you're going to play."
And, just like on his porch the night of the party, we had another moment. His eyes drifted down to look at my lips and then back up to my eyes again. I'm positive he wanted to kiss me. I wanted to kiss him too. But, unlike the last time this happened, I realized what was going on and I broke our eye contact. Dr. Swatt had been adamant that I take my relationship with Lane slowly. She didn't think it was a good idea for me to get involved with him romantically, at least not yet. I liked Lane so much, probably too much for my own good. I couldn't help myself. The way he had treated me all week, showing that he cared so much about me, was only increasing my feelings for him.
I stepped away from Lane and started to gather up my things. I didn't respond to the last comment he made. I didn't know what to say and I was afraid if I opened my mouth, it would betray me. I needed to be strong and not let my feelings for him overwhelm me. Besides, I still have to tell him about "IT". I didn't know how his feelings for me were going to change after I told him about my past. Let's see what happens at dinner tonight.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: "IT"
JADEN'S POINT OF VIEW
The hot water coursed down my body, relaxing my sore muscles. One of my favorite things in the world was a hot shower. They felt so good, especially after I had exerted myself in some way. And, that is exactly what happened at this afternoon's basketball game.
The game had been intense. Nick and Stu were acting even more competitive with each other than they had the week before and I wasn't sure why. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that none of the girls were here this time. Whatever the reason, I really didn't understand those two. They seemed to be such good friends off the court and I could tell they genuinely liked each other. Yet, something changed when they stepped onto the basketball court. Suddenly, they were out for each other's blood. I made a mental note to ask Lane for more details on their rivalry when I had a chance.
Stu won the coin toss and chose me first for his team. Nick chose Lane, Stu picked Clint, which left Tim on Nick's team. Nick beat Stu in calling shirts and skins. Nick called for his team to wear shirts, which left me playing with no shirt on again. Damn!! I had really been hoping to see Lane without his shirt on.
I played well, but I wasn't as good as I had been in last week's game. I decided to chalk up what happened last week to 'beginner's luck'. We played four games and each team won two of those games.
Lane had been right. The guys didn't treat me any differently than they had the previous week. I was grateful for that. I don't know if I was more worried about them knowing I was gay or reacting to my outburst. As the last game was finishing up, I suddenly realized something. The guys all knew LANE was gay and they didn't treat him any differently than they did each other. I guess I had been worried for no reason. It occurred to me that Vicky might have been about to tell me Lane was gay right before Ryan interrupted us while we were dancing at the party.
As we were walking home after the game, Lane asked me (again) if I was coming over to his house for dinner tonight.
"You haven't changed your mind, right?? You're still coming over for dinner??"
I had to smile at his eagerness. While I was worried about the dinner and what I would or wouldn't tell Lane about my past, he managed to bring a smile to my face.
"Absolutely. Can I bring anything??"
"No, leave it all to me."
"So, what's on the menu tonight??"
"Well...I kind of want it to be a surprise. Is that alright with you??"
"Sure, no problem."
We reached the point in our walk where we had to separate to go to our respective homes.
"I'll see you later." Lane said to me.
"7:30PM sharp." I responded.
I was broken out of my thoughts as the water started to turn cold. I got out of the shower and dried myself off. Great, now I had to decide what to wear tonight!! I choose something simple: blue jeans, a collared shirt, and a pair of sneakers. Casual and comfortable. After I got dressed, I still had about one hour to wait before I had to leave. I was getting more nervous as each second ticked by, so I decided to do some reading for one of my classes to try and get my mind off of the rapidly approaching dinner. Surprisingly, I was able to relax and actually get some of my homework accomplished. Before I knew it, the time had come for me to leave.
I walked over to the mirror hanging above my dresser and gave myself one of my infamous pep talks.
"OK, Jaden, here's the deal. You're going over to Lane's house for dinner. There's NO pressure on you. Just relax and enjoy a good meal and Lane's company. Lane already said that you are NOT obligated to talk about anything tonight if you don't feel comfortable. Play it by ear. And, if the time comes to tell Lane about "IT", be honest with him. You don't need to give him the X-rated version of what happened to you. Give him the facts, and then tell him how "IT" has affected your life."
I decided to bring George with me because I figured I might need him in case I got too emotional when telling Lane about "IT". Plus, I knew that George loved to see Lane any chance that he got. As we were walking over to Lane's house, I wondered if any of his friends were going to be at our dinner. I knew I would be able to eat with them, but I was positive I wouldn't be able to talk about my past in front of them.
It didn't take too long for George and I to arrive at Lane's house. George seemed to know exactly where he was. He was pulling on his leash, itching to get inside and see his 'favorite person in the whole wide world'. I, on the other hand, was not as eager to go inside. I held George back while I stood on the sidewalk staring at Lane's house for a few minutes. The one and only time I was here, I freaked out and outed myself. I needed to replace those bad memories with some good ones, so I hoped that tonight would be a success. I wondered if Lane would look at me any differently between the time I entered and the time I exited his house. Would I be 'the romantic interest' as I arrived but just 'the friend' as I left??
I noticed movement on the porch and the door opened to reveal Lane. God, he looked so good. He was dressed in a pair of black jeans, a tight pullover shirt, and a pair of sandals. My nervousness level shot off the charts. I wanted to be anywhere but Lane's house right now.
"Jaden!! Dude!! Come on in!!"
George started yanking frantically on his leash at the first sighting of Lane. I let go of him and he practically sprinted across the yard and up the porch steps. Lane greeted him warmly.
"George!! How's it going, buddy??"
He bent down and started scratching George behind the ears. George was in heaven. I watched for a few seconds and then slowly approached them. I was telling myself to take deep breaths, desperately willing myself to calm down. Lane held the door open for me as I mounted the steps leading up to the porch. He and George moved out of the doorway to allow me access. I took another deep breath.
"Lane...hey. Um...thanks for having me over for dinner."
We bumped fists, which had become our established greeting method.
"I'm glad you could make it. Come inside."
We entered the house and the first thing I noticed was how good it smelled. Whatever Lane was cooking for dinner was going to be delicious, if my nose was correct in its assessment of the aromas coming from the kitchen. The second thing I noticed was that the living room was empty. I had expected to see at least one of the guys in here, perhaps playing a video game. But, there was no one in sight. Lane turned to look at me.
"The food is almost ready. Can I get you something to drink while we wait?? Some water perhaps??"
"Water sounds great. Thanks." I replied.
"Have a seat and I'll be right back." Lane said. He turned and walked in the direction of the kitchen.
As soon as Lane left the room, I bent down and removed George's leash. He immediately took off in the direction that Lane had just gone in. Despite my nervousness, I had to smile at the way my dog was acting. I was pretty sure I could leave George with Lane and completely disappear, and George would be happy with that arrangement.
I sat down on the couch and looked around the living room. The room looked and felt different to me, probably because it wasn't full of people and no music was playing. It was nice room, very cozy. As I continued looking around, it suddenly occurred to me how clean everything was. It definitely looked like someone had taken the time to straighten up. I looked down at the carpeting and noticed the telltale signs of a vacuum having been run recently. I got a warm feeling in my chest. He...he CLEANED...for ME!! It was such a simple act, but the fact that he took the time to clean up spoke huge volumes to me. He's trying to impress me, I thought. Is this the perfect guy??
Lane and George came back into the living room after a couple of minutes. He handed me a bottle of water.
"Here you go. I hope you don't mind drinking it straight out of the bottle."
"Not a problem. Thanks." I replied with a smile. He couldn't contain himself and smiled right back.
"Dinner is almost ready. The chicken needs to cook for about five more minutes."
"So, we're having chicken for dinner?? You wouldn't tell me what we were going to eat earlier."
"Didn't...didn't you say you wanted chicken?? Lemon chicken, that's what you said when you won the bet, right??" He sounded unsure of himself all of the sudden.
He remembered that I told him I wanted lemon chicken!! Gosh, I had been here for five minutes and already he had scored a ton of points. I could feel myself starting to relax. Maybe this evening will turn out OK. I have to keep thinking positive thoughts, I told myself.
"Yes. Wow, you remembered that?? I'm impressed!!"
Lane smiled again, clearly proud of himself for getting the dinner selection right.
"So...um, where are Nick and the rest of the gang?" I asked Lane.
"Everyone is out on dates with their ladies tonight."
Everyone was gone. We're ALONE!! Did he plan this, or was it simply a coincidence??
"Oh...I see." I said hesitantly. Lane noticed my reaction.
"I hope that's OK with you." He suddenly seemed unsure of himself, like maybe it was a bad idea that we were here alone. He decided to change the subject. "Don't worry, though...the girls helped me make the food. It should be edible."
"That's good to hear. I didn't want to wear a fake smile during dinner!!" I laughed.
Lane looked at me seriously for a moment.
"I'll take any kind of smile I can get." He was staring at me right in the eyes.
Gulp. I actually gulped!! OK, I thought, we've moved into the flirting phase of the evening. I was about to respond when I heard what sounded like a timer going off. Saved by the bell!!
"That's the oven timer. I need to get the chicken out of the oven."
"Do you need any help??" I asked him.
"No, but you can come in the kitchen and make up your plate."
I followed Lane toward the kitchen, but I stopped for a minute as I rounded the corner into the dining room. The lights were dimmed, but I could still see what was in the room. I was looking at the table where we would clearly be eating dinner and...it was beautiful. A blue tablecloth was covering the table. Two place settings were set up, decked out with plates, forks, spoons, knives, and cloth napkins. Four candles sat in the middle of the table, already lit. In the middle of the four candles sat a crystal vase with a single red rose in it.
The sight of the table took my breath away. It was the single most romantic thing I had ever seen in my life. Suddenly, I realized something. This isn't just dinner, this is a DATE!! I was instantly nervous again.
Lane noticed that I stopped to check out the table and turned around to face me.
"Oh...yeah. I hope this," he gestured to the table, "is OK."
"OK?? OK?? Lane...I'm speechless. It's...it's absolutely breath-taking!!"
I didn't know a human being could smile so brightly. He was positively beaming after I complemented him on the table set-up.
"I'm so glad you like it."
"Like it?? It's awesome!! I don't know what I did to deserve all of this. Thank you!!"
And, for the first time since I had known him, I reached out to TOUCH HIM. I put my hand on his upper arm. Up until this point, I had doubted I would ever work up the nerve to be able to touch him. But, in that moment, I couldn't help myself. Even in the dimmed light, I could see that Lane was blushing. I'm positive he didn't expect ME to touch HIM.
"I...I'm...uh...I need to go get the chicken out of the oven."
He turned and quickly rushed into the kitchen. I think I finally managed to fluster him for a change!! He was being so cute.
I followed him into the kitchen. He was just pulling out a glass dish from the oven as I arrived. As good as the living room smelled, the kitchen was even better.
"So, what else are we having for dinner??" I asked him.
"Baked potatoes and green bean casserole."
"Everything smells great, Lane."
"Thanks. Most of the credit for tonight's meal has to go to Chrissy. She's a really good cook. She helped me out earlier and all I've been doing is following her instructions."
"I can't believe you found a recipe for lemon-chicken."
"I have to admit that was Chrissy too. She found a recipe on the internet." Lane looked around for a second. "I'll be right back."
He left the kitchen and returned a few moments later with our dishes. We each made up our plates and sat down in the dining room to eat. Lane waited to start eating because he was watching me as I took my first bite of chicken. He looked like he was on pins and needles as he waited for my reaction. It tasted incredible and I told him so.
"Wow. This is EXCELLENT, Lane. It's just a good as my Mom makes, maybe even better."
He looked relieved when I told him how much I like the food. After that we both dug into our meals.
"So, Jaden, do you have any brothers or sisters??" Lane asked me.
"No. I'm an only child." I responded. "How about you??"
"I have a sister and a brother. Sarah is nine years older than me and Conner is three years older than me."
"Oh, so you're the baby of the family??"
"Yeah, but I wasn't spoiled, if that's what you're thinking." Lane said with a smile. I smiled back.
"So, what do your parents do for a living??" I asked him.
"My dad is a chemical engineer and my mom works for a medical insurance billing company. How about yours??"
"Mom's a nurse and dad is a graphic designer."
Before tonight, all of our conversations had been about school, sports, or working out. This was the first time we were asking each other these types of personal questions and I felt like I was getting to know him so much better. We continued our back and forth volley of questions and answers while we ate. I was able to answer everything he asked with no problems. However, sometime during the middle of dinner, he started a line of questioning that I had some trouble with. I didn't know how to respond without revealing too much about my past.
"Dude, I couldn't believe it when I found out you grew up in Hudson Valley!! What a small world!! It's funny, we grew up so close to each other and yet we had to wait until college to meet and become friends."
"I know exactly what you mean. Although, since our high schools are fierce rivals, I doubt we could have been friends back then."
"Good point." Lane was quiet for a second. "Um...Jaden, can I ask you a slightly more personal question??"
Shit!! What did he want to know?? I started to panic. I wasn't fully prepared to start talking about "IT" yet.
"Um...shoot."
"Well...I guess I'm wondering WHY we haven't met before. I don't remember seeing you at any sporting events during high school. I remember most of the guys that played on your school teams. I'm positive I've never seen you before...until college. I played football and basketball, and ran track. Didn't...didn't you play any sports??"
My mind was racing. How was I going to answer these questions without revealing too much about my past?? I decided I had to give him as little information as I possibly could.
"I...um, I didn't play any sports while I was in high school."
"Really?? I have to admit, I'm surprised. I mean, I've been able to see what a good athlete you are just in the two games of basketball we played. I assumed you played basketball in high school, at least."
"No, I didn't play."
I knew he wanted me to explain further, but I decided to keep quiet. He finally gave up trying to talk to me about high school sports and we moved on to other things. Luckily, no more awkward subjects came up during the rest of dinner. I was surprised, once again, how easy it was to talk to Lane. I felt like I could tell him anything, and that put me more at ease for the difficult conversation we would be having later on.
We continued chatting well after we both finished eating. Finally, it seemed like the conversation, this one at least, was dying down.
"I'm stuffed. The meal was excellent, Lane. Thank you so much."
"Your welcome. You did win the bet fair and square."
"Oh, is that the ONLY reason you made dinner for me??" I asked him in a teasing tone.
"You got that right, buddy. Don't expect this sort of thing every weekend!!"
We took our plates into the kitchen. Despite Lane's protests, I helped him clean up. We did the dishes together. He washed and I dried. We made a good team. It was like we were an old married couple.
Soon enough, all of the food was put away and everything was cleaned up. We walked out into the living room.
"Would you like to sit in here or out on the porch??" Lane asked me.
"The porch sounds great."
We walked out onto the porch and sat down on the couch. Lane sat down close to me, but none of our body parts were touching. George jumped up on the couch and put his head in Lane's lap. 'Well, we're here', I thought. It's time to tell Lane about my past. My doubts resurfaced. I wondered, once again, if I should be doing this. This time, however, some of the doubts I had were because of the nice evening we had just shared. I wanted to preserve the memories I had. If our talk went badly, I'm sure that's the only thing I would remember about this evening.
But, I knew I had to do it. I needed to let Lane into my life. Besides, this was perfect timing. The guys were gone; Lane and I were all alone. It was a nice evening out. This was it!! It was now or never!!
We were both silent for a couple of minutes after we sat down. I think both of us knew we were going to have a serious talk, but neither one of us knew how to get started. Finally, I decided I needed to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and get the ball rolling.
"Lane," I began. He turned and looked me in the eyes. "I mentioned that I wanted to talk to you about something."
"I remember. Jaden, like I said yesterday, there's no pressure. If you don't feel comfortable talking right now, I understand. But, I want you to know that I'm willing to listen to whatever you have to say." He paused to make sure he had my complete attention. "You can trust me."
"I...I know I can. The problem is I'm not sure where to begin." I took a deep breath. "I wanted to explain why I got so upset at the party. Gosh, it's hard to believe the party was only a week ago."
"Did you get upset because of something Kaylie did??"
"Well, she was coming onto me pretty strong all night long. But, that's not the whole reason why I freaked out."
Lane was letting me take my time and I appreciated that.
"It wasn't that she was just coming onto me. She was...touching me. At first, it was just casual touching, but it still made me feel uncomfortable. At a certain point, she started to get frustrated because I wasn't responding to her advances, so she turned up the heat.
I paused again. This was embarrassing.
"Go on, Jaden. It's OK." Lane said.
"She...she grabbed my crotch. That's what set me off."
Lane looked upset when he heard what Kaylie had done.
"I need to explain WHY her grabbing me...there...was so difficult for me to handle, but I'm having a hard time trying to figure out exactly what to tell you."
"Maybe it would be easier to start at the beginning."
I thought that Lane's suggestion made a lot of sense.
"What I'm about to tell you is very personal. Very few people know this story. In fact, only my parents and two doctors know everything that happened to me. I'm...I'm afraid to talk to you about it and tell you the things that happened to me when I was younger. But, I want to tell you. I need to tell you."
Lane reached over and grabbed my hand. I held onto him for dear life.
"'IT' happened one day when I was ten years old. I was walking home from school when this car pulled up alongside of me. The driver...knew my name!! He told me his name was Leon and he worked at the hospital with my mom. He said that she had been hurt and my dad had sent him to pick me up and take me to her. I was so scared. I had to get to my mom!! So, I got in the car, even though a part of me knew I shouldn't have. I guess after hearing the news about my mom, I wasn't thinking too clearly."
Lane was still holding my hand and squeezed it for moral support. He was looking at me intensely, but I found I couldn't maintain eye contact with him. I was alternating between looking down at our hands and looking in his eyes. Every time I looked up, he was always looking right back at me.
"What happened next is a bit fuzzy. Sometime during the drive, Leon slammed my head against the passenger door. I hit my head so hard against the window that I passed out. When I came to, I was in a room. It looked like someone's bedroom. I was handcuffed to the bed with two pairs of handcuffs, one pair around each of my wrists and the other end attached to a wooden slat on the headboard. My feet were tied together too. Leon was sitting in a chair across from the bed and saw me wake up. I looked over at him.
"Where am I?? What's going on??" I choked out. "At first, he just stared at me. I was having trouble focusing on him. My head was pounding and my wrists were starting to chafe from the handcuffs."
I stopped for almost a full minute and tried to collect myself as I got ready to tell Lane the next part of my ordeal. I felt a tear trickle down my face.
"Leon forced me to do...things...to him. Sexual things. If I didn't obey, he'd hit me. He was acting crazy. One minute, he'd be sweet and touch me very gently. The next minute, he'd start screaming and handling me roughly. He performed sexual acts on me too, although I don't remember everything he did to me. At some point my mind went blank. I went somewhere else, somewhere inside of myself. The things that Leon did to me were too much for my mind to process."
I continued to draw strength from Lane. I don't know if I could have told this story to anyone else. He was awesome as he sat there and listened to me.
"I was in that room for thirty-six hours. Later on, my parents told me what happened with the police while I was missing. My mom called them after I didn't come home from school. After I had been missing long enough, various detectives started interviewing anyone I had any type of connection with: teachers at my school, neighbors, people who worked with my mom and dad. Finally, one of the detectives came to Leon's house to interview him. Leon really did work at the hospital with my mom. He was an orderly. When the doorbell rang, Leon looked out the window, saw the flashing light on the car and figured out it was the police. He opened the top drawer of the dresser that was sitting in the bedroom and he...he pulled out a gun!! I'm not sure what happened when Leon answered the door, but moments later I heard gunshots. Leon ran back in the bedroom and slammed the door. I found out later that he shot one the detectives, who thankfully survived. Before very long, policemen and police cars surrounded Leon's entire house. I was literally scared to death. I was convinced that Leon was going to shoot me. He got so angry that the police showed up at his house. He started screaming at me and blaming me for everything that had happened. He said that I 'forced' him to kidnap me. He started beating me, punching me repeatedly in the face. He broke my jaw in three places and knocked out several of my teeth."
I stopped and turned my head to face away from Lane. I was out and out crying now. I couldn't stop the tears as they ran down my face and I didn't even bother to wipe them away.
"I'm not sure how long it was from the time the police surrounded Leon's house to the time they broke in. At some point, they burst into the bedroom. More gunshots rang out. I think I was screaming, at least as much as I could in my condition. When it was over, Leon was dead and I was rescued."
I forced myself to look at Lane as I finished describing my rescue from Leon. He had tears in eyes too.
"Jaden...I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that." He paused for a minute, I think debating if he should ask me any questions about my ordeal. "How...how badly were you injured??"
"The worst injuries were my broken jaw and shattered teeth. My entire body was one giant bruise. My wrists were raw and bloody from the handcuffs."
I stopped again as I got ready to tell Lane the next area of my injury.
"I was...torn up...down there. The doctors had to sew up the area to stop the bleeding."
I couldn't say the exact word of this particular area. It was too humiliating!!
"They had to perform a few surgeries over the first six months after I was rescued in order to fix my jaw properly. My teeth, however, were ruined. I had to wear braces for almost eight years. Half of the teeth in my mouth are permanent false teeth."
"I'm so glad you survived, Jaden. I would never know to look at you now that you had suffered those type of extensive injuries, especially to your face. I guess you were lucky."
"Lucky?? I'm not sure I feel that way. I admit, my body did survive and eventually heal from my physical injuries. But, psychologically and emotionally, I'm still suffering the effects of my kidnapping--and it happened almost eleven years ago. I'm not completely healed from those injuries, which brings up another part of the story I need to explain to you."
I stood up from the couch and walked a few feet toward one of the windows. I stood with my back to Lane, facing the street.
"This part is more difficult to explain, and it's definitely more embarrassing."
"Jaden, however you were affected, I would like to know. I want to understand who you are on the inside. Please, take your time and tell me."
I turned my head and looked at him for a moment. He was being so sincere. He really wanted to know how all of this had affected me. 'Here's goes nothing', I thought to myself.
"The sexual acts that Leon performed on me and forced me to perform on him did something to me, Lane. My mind completely shut off that part of me, the sexual side. The brain is a powerful organ. My feelings were so strong and so deeply embedded in my mind that it actually affected my emotional and sexual growth when I started going through puberty. In fact, I would say that those areas were severely affected."
"I had a miserable time in high school. I shut myself off from everyone, even my own parents, at least to a certain extent. I...I didn't try to make any friends. I didn't play any sports. I didn't talk to anyone. Everything...scared me."
I was choosing my words very carefully, trying to explain how I was affected so that Lane would fully understand everything.
"As I entered puberty, I found that my mind was able to affect my body physically. While I was clearly growing taller and my voice was deepening, I was not able to become...aroused."
Even though I was facing away from Lane, my cheeks were burning in embarrassment.
"In fact, I never developed any feelings for anyone. I never felt attracted to anyone or had a 'crush' on someone. I was a black hole of feeling. I didn't even know I was gay until I was seventeen years old!! Not that any of that really mattered. Even if I was able to have those feelings, I wouldn't have been able to act on them. I hated to be touched, even by my own parents."
"My counselors explained to me over and over again that Leon's motivation to kidnap me was never about sex for him." I continued. "He was motivated by the need to have power and control over another human being. He most likely confused those feelings with sexual ones. It's also likely that he wasn't even gay."
I felt myself starting to get angry. I always did when I thought about this part of my ordeal.
"Leon's true motivation doesn't really matter to me. Even if it's true that he didn't kidnap me for sexual reasons, the major way in which I was affected WAS the sexual area. I am, even to this day, completely terrified of anything to do with sex. I have never allowed myself to consider trying to have a relationship, for fear that I would have to do something physical with the other person."
"My feelings about sex caused my self esteem to suffer. For a long time, I tried to make myself as unattractive as I could to both males and females. I didn't want anyone to develop feelings for me, or get a 'crush' on me. Over time, I began to believe that I was unattractive, and I think those negative thoughts about my appearance transferred to other areas of my life. I have a hard time ever thinking that anything I do or accomplish is good enough. I always think I'm failing somehow and that I'm not worthy of praise for my achievements."
"As I got older, however, I did start to heal, but just a little bit. Starting around the time that I graduated from high school, and now all through college, 'IT" has caught me in this vicious circle. By the way, my parents and I always call what happened to me "IT". Capital 'I', Capital 'T', with quotation marks." I made the quotation marks hand signal.
"Anyway, like I said, I feel like I've been trapped in this vicious circle. At some point, I started to realize that it might be inevitable for me to have some type of relationship with another guy. But when I begin thinking that way, I start feeling stupid and embarrassed because I have ZERO experience in terms of relationships and sexual issues. And--I'm twenty-one years old!! I feel like I should have dealt with these issues YEARS ago, when I was a teenager like every other normal human being. Because I feel so embarrassed about my lack of experience, I feel like I don't even want to try anything. All this does is add another reason to my (already) full list of excuses of why I want to stay alone. Then, I realize that I want to heal-fully heal-and part of that means I need to try a relationship and, hopefully, find love. But then I feel stupid again because I'm so old and haven't done anything yet...do you see what I mean?? It's a confusing and frustrating place to be."
"I think what I'm ultimately trying to say is I've reached that point where I'm ready to deal with my issues once and for all and put them behind me. Something happened recently that triggered those feelings and forced me to become more serious about wanting to complete the healing process."
I turned around to face Lane. I needed to say this next part to him face to face, even though it was incredibly difficult.
"I started my final year of college and on the second day of the school year, this...guy taps me on the shoulder as I'm walking out of the student gym. And...my whole world changed."
I was forcing myself to look at him directly in the eyes. He wasn't breaking eye contact with me.
"For so many years, I've been content to be alone. Just George and I tackling the world. I was...hell, I still AM secure in that arrangement. It's been lonely, but also comfortable."
"But, all of that has changed now. I was scared at first, actually completely terrified, of this intrusion into the safe little world I had built around myself. I still am scared, but that feeling is lessening over time. And it IS TIME, Lane. It's time that I stop letting Leon ruin my life. He kidnapped me when I was a ten-year-old boy. In so many ways, I'm still handcuffed to that bed. I haven't been able to let go of him. I haven't been able to move on from the pain he caused me. But, circumstances have changed. I'm ready to deal with that pain now. I have to do it. Most importantly, I WANT to get better."
I stopped talking, my story finally completed. I felt completely drained, and an overwhelming sense of tiredness swept through my body. I practically staggered over to the couch and sat back down next to Lane. I figured he'd have questions about everything that I had just told him, but I needed to rest for a few minutes.
Lane was also silent for quite awhile. I think he needed to process all of the information that I had just dumped on him. I felt overwhelmed and it happened to me!! I could only imagine what Lane was feeling at the moment. Finally, he spoke to me.
"Just so I'm understanding you correctly...the guy that tapped you on the shoulder in the student gym?? That's me, right??"
He asked me that question so seriously. It really wasn't that funny, but I couldn't help myself. I think I needed to release all of the tension that I had built up inside of me, so I started to giggle. Soon enough, I was laughing as hard as I've ever laughed before. I think Lane got caught up in my laughter because he joined in with me.
Finally, our laughter started to subside. I had to keep wiping the tears coming out of my eyes off my face. At least this time they were happy tears. When I would get close to finishing my laughter, another cases of the giggles would hit me and they would last for a few seconds. I would calm down and think I was OK when, suddenly, the giggles would take over me again. Lane was having the same problems. This went on for almost five minutes.
"Oh My God. Dude, seriously!! I'm so sorry. I swear, I wasn't laughing at you!!" I said to Lane. "To answer your question, yes. I was referring to you and the student gym."
We were both silent again. I took another deep breath and continued.
"Lane, I...I like you. You're such an incredible person. You're funny, intelligent, an amazing listener, and a loyal friend. I guess, I'm assuming that you...like me back??"
"I do, a lot."
"Even after everything I've just told you about me past??" I knew the question was unfair, especially because I asked it soon after telling him what happened to me. But, I was feeling very insecure and I just had to know how he felt.
"Honestly, Jaden, I think I like you even more than I did before. You are such a strong person. You don't give yourself enough credit for that. I don't know if I could have gone through something like you did. At the very least, I'm positive I would react the same way you have and feel the same way you do."
"A part of me, a huge part, really wants to...be with you. But, I know, logically, that I'm not ready to take that step...yet. I will get there. I'm committed to working through my issues." I stopped talking for a second. "I know this is probably completely unfair of me to ask, but are you willing to...to wait for me?? I really hate putting you in this position. I can only offer you friendship right now, which is not what you deserve. You deserve so much more than what I can give you."
"Jaden," Lane had a serious tone in his voice, "Listen to me and hear my words. There is something here, between the two of us." He gestured back and forth from me to him. "I feel it. You feel it. I think it has the potential to be something special. I don't want to lose that. You've...you've become very important to me. I'm willing to wait for you. I only ask one thing in return."
"What's that??" I asked apprehensively.
"Let me help you. Here, tonight, you took a chance and let me into your life. You don't know how incredibly special I feel that you can trust me. I don't want this to end. I want to continue to be in your life. Let me in, let me go through this with you."
"It seems so incredibly unfair to you."
"Why don't you let me worry about that?? Listen, I wouldn't offer if I wasn't sure I could handle it. I refuse to let you slip away, Jaden Scott. I simply refuse."
I'm not sure what came over me. His words were so...powerful. Nobody had ever spoken to me that way before. Nobody had ever made me feel so cared for, maybe even loved.
I reached out and put my head on the back of his neck. I slowly pulled him into me and I...I KISSED him!! It was absolutely incredible. His lips were softer than I expected them to be. I felt so connected to him at that moment.
The kiss lasted for about five seconds. Feelings I never knew I could have exploded all over my body. My skin was tingling. My first kiss!! And, with Lane!!
I let go of him. He sat back into his seat as I did the same. I couldn't believe what I had just done. I looked over at Lane. He looked both incredibly shocked and incredibly happy all at the same time. A smile formed on his face.
"Wow!! What...why...what was...was that for??" He managed to sputter out.
"Many things." I responded. "It was a thank you, just for being you. It was a promise, from me to you, to not pull away. It was a look into the future, of things to come."
I scooted over so that I was closer to Lane on the couch. Our bodies were touching. I leaned my head against the back of the couch. Lane reach down and tentatively grabbed my hand. I intertwined my fingers with his.
No more words were needed tonight. A feeling of peace and contentment the likes of which I never had before took over my entire body. For the first time ever, the future didn't look dark. In fact, I could clearly see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even the tunnel didn't look so long anymore.
TO BE CONTINUED
Be on the lookout for Chapter 18 coming soon!!
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My e-mail address is: jaden.scott@adelphia.net