The ride home on the bus was horrible. I was so afraid of what Lionel was going to do to me. Every time the bus stopped I had thoughts of getting off. I thought I should jump off the bus and run away. I knew I should run directly to Michael. He was the only one who would know what to do in this situation, but I was scared to move. I didn't realize my knee was shaking until I felt Lionel's hand on it.
"Stop it!" he commanded in a forceful whisper. I closed my eyes for a second so I wouldn't pee on myself. My shaking stopped immediately. I think every limb of my body was frozen. I don't remember thinking anything at all after that. I must have zoned out. Luckily, there were only a few stops between the restaurant and campus. I was blankly staring out the window when Lionel pulled me up and pushed me towards the exit. The walk to our dorm was faster than I ever remember. I stood outside our dorm room shaking as Lionel unlocked our door. He flung the door open, grabbed my arm, and basically threw me in the room. He locked the door. He turned and looked at me and I looked at him. He started walking towards me and I took a few steps back. "What the Hell is your problem?" he shouted.
"Nothing." My voice cracked and I looked at the floor. I felt like my knees might buckle at any moment. I stepped back until I reached my bed and then I sat down. By the time I looked up at him he had already closed the gap between us. He was standing directly in front of me, but I couldn't look up at him. I watched as he lifted his hand. It seemed like slow motion as his hand approached my face. I flinched. His hand stopped in midair.
"Do you think I'm going to hit you?" the shock in his voice was a little confusing to me. Of course I thought he was going to hit me. What was I supposed to think?
I was able to eek out a weak, "Yes."
His hand came towards me again, but this time he said, "I'm not going to hit you." I felt his hand on my chin. He directed my face up, but I kept my eyes cast downward. "Look at me," he said. I couldn't deny him. I looked in to his eyes and I didn't know who I was looking at. This person was a stranger to me. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Looking at him was too painful. I moved to look away from him, but he wouldn't let me move my face. I settled for moving my eyes instead. I saw his computer and the image on it caught my attention. He must have touched it when he walked across the room. The screensaver was a picture of us from high school. We were both wearing our uniforms and he had his arm around my shoulders and we both had big smiles on our faces. Before I could remember when the picture was taken, the screen changed and a picture of our high school team popped up. I knew exactly where to find us. We were both in the back, standing next to each other, still smiling. I wish we could go back to those happy times, those memories, those moments when it felt like we could take on the world and win, but those times were gone. I reluctantly let a tear fall down my cheek. Lionel's pinky caught it before it could reach my chin and fall. I looked in to his eyes again and I swear I saw traces of the Lionel I knew. I was mesmerized as he placed his pinky in his mouth. He sucked his pinky for a second while he stared at me. I wasn't sure if he was trying to seduce me or take away my pain.
Once he took his pinky out of his mouth, he spoke again. "Don't cry Lucas. I would never hurt you. I couldn't hurt you. You should know that." I wanted to ask him how I would know that, but I was still afraid of what he might do. His words were incapable of bringing me comfort. We both sat there not saying a word. I wanted to tell him to let go of my face, but my vocal chords refused to make a sound. My throat felt dry so I gathered up some saliva in my mouth and swallowed. The vibrations from my throat got Lionel's attention and the silence was interrupted by a smacking sound as Lionel kissed my forehead. He started planting angel kisses all over my face and I let him. He pauses for a second as his lips hover over mine. I finally realize that I should pull back but his hand is still holding my face. I close my eyes as his lips begin to get closer. I feel the contact throughout my whole body and that scares me. His tongue presses against my lips and my lips part without my permission. He releases my chin from his grasp and pushes me back on the bed. When my head hits the bed my senses return to me.
I pull away from the kiss and try to push him off of me. "Get off!" I tell him.
"We both know this is what you want, so just shut up and enjoy it." My brain doesn't register what he said until his lips crash in to mine again. His tongue tries to force access to my mouth but I keep my lips closed tightly and start shaking my head and trying to push him off. "Stop fighting this," he says before his lips make contact with my neck. He starts sucking on my neck and I can't believe he's not listening to me. I wonder if he's going to force himself on me.
Tears fall from my eyes and I start really struggling. "Get off of me!" To my surprise, he moves. He stands up and looks down at me.
"What is wrong with you? I know you want this! Why are you fighting me?" I open my mouth to answer him but the loud knocks on the door quickly grab my attention. Lionel looks at me for a second, I watch as he adjusts his hardon and walks to the door. I sit up on the bed and wipe away my tears. He opens the door and I see Henry, our resident advisor.
"Is everything okay?" Henry asks.
"Yes." Lionel says with a little irritation in his voice.
"Well, some of the other residents reported shouting"
Lionel cut him off. "That's bullshit and you know it! Shouting? We just got back a few minutes ago. How the hell would anyone have enough time to complain?"
Henry seemed unbothered by Lionel's abruptness. "Fine, I was walking by the door and I heard you two shouting. It sounded like you were fighting."
"No, we weren't. We were just playing around so sorry if we were too loud. We'll try to be a quieter." Lionel moved to close the door, but Henry was having none of that. Henry pushed past Lionel and walked over to me.
"Are you okay Lucas?"
"Yes, I'm fine." I managed to say. I only hoped that I sounded normal, but I knew I didn't.
"Are you sure? I can tell that you've been crying." He looked at me for a moment, probably trying to gauge my response. He leaned down and whispered in my ear, "We can talk about this in private if you don't want to discuss it in front of Lionel." He stood up tall again and I looked over at Lionel who was still standing by the door.
"Thanks for your concern Henry, but everything is fine. We just had a little disagreement, nothing to worry about. We'll keep it down." He looked at me like I was lying through my teeth.
He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "If you need to talk about anything, and I mean anything, just come knock on my door." He sounded like he was hitting on me, but I wasn't sure until he winked at me and whispered, "You could do so much better than him." When he said that I knew he must have heard a lot of our conversation.
"How long were you listening?" I whispered back.
"Long enough to know that you're too good for him and he was trying to force you to do something you didn't want to do."
"Oh, well everything is okay." I said a little louder, making sure Lionel could hear me. "I'll talk to you later Henry and thank you for checking on us."
"Okay." Henry walked to the door.
I watched as Henry whispered something to Lionel and walked out. Lionel yelled behind him, "Mind your own damn business!" and slammed the door. He locked it and walked over to his computer to turn on the music. He turned his attention to me and under the cover of music he said to me, "What did you say to him?"
"You heard what I said." I stated simply.
"I didn't hear everything, the two of you were whispering about something, now tell me what it was."
"Nothing. It was nothing." I glanced at his eyes and quickly looked away.
"Don't lie to me! I know you said something to him. Do you know what he said to me as he was leaving?" I shook my head no'. "He said, You need to learn how to treat him before someone takes him away from you.' What was that about? Did you tell him that I fucking wanted you or something?"
"No, I didn't say anything to him. He heard us."
"You mean he was fucking eavesdropping! I knew he looked at you weird sometimes. That little bastard! I ought to go kick his ass for hitting on you right in front of me."
"Calm down Lionel!" As I said that, something snapped in me. "Where the hell do you get off being jealous because some guy is showing me interest? You don't care about me and Michael, so why"
He cut me off. "Why would I care about you and Michael when all you do with him is pretend that he's me?"
I definitely didn't follow his logic. My mouth kept moving. "Don't cut me off, Lionel! Let me finish." His lips parted to say something, but I stopped him. "Please."
"Fine, talk." He folded his arms and sat down on his computer desk.
"Why do you care about Henry hitting on me? You don't give a shit about me anyway, so what's the problem? All you do is use me, look at tonight. You acted like you were taking me some place wonderful and instead you took me to the restaurant where your fucking girlfriend works! Talk about mixed signals. This morning you were my hero and tonight you're the sole source of my pain. How fucked up is that? But you know what, I don't blame you. It's my fault for giving you that power. I should have given up on us after you used me just so you could get off. I don't know why I can't seem to let go of you, but I'm going to try. And why am I crying again?" I hadn't even noticed I was crying until I reached up to wipe my face and felt tears streaming down. "I'm just wasting my tears. You're not worth it! You're not worth any of it! You don't want me, that's for sure, so why can't someone else have me? You have no right to be jealous of Henry and I think I will call him tomorrow. Come to think of it, he is kind of cute."
I wiped away my last few tears and looked at Lionel. He was crying too. "Don't call him Lucas."
"Why not?"
"Because I love you."
"No you don't, if you loved me, you wouldn't toy with me."
"Don't tell me how I feel! I do love you. I always have! Look, when we did it, I wasn't using you to get off. I wanted you, but it was too much for me, I'm not gay! I mean I'm not supposed to be gay. I couldn't handle what I felt so I tried to hurt you and push you away. I do love you and I don't know why. I have tried so hard to let you go, but I can't. I just can't, but I'm not ready to be with you. Why can't you wait for me?" I start laughing. "What's so funny?"
"You want me to wait on you while you stick your dick wherever you please and I sit here like I'm celibate or something?" I take a breath for a second and stop laughing. I start shaking my head. "God, you are so full of shit!" I stand up, grab a bag and start throwing some clothes in it.
"What are you doing?" I notice his tears are gone.
"I'm going to spend the night at Michael's."
He walks over to me and grabs my arm. "Don't leave."
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't."
"I'll dump Taniqua."
Copyright Lustyville 2006 Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out my yahoo group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville.