Hello again, loves. Number 10 is finally arrived. I've decided to stop apologizing for taking more than two weeks to write these things...:) So, you're just going to have to deal with it. You all know I love you. I know it takes me longer than it should to write these things, but I give this just as much time as I give all the other things in my life. So, be consoled with the fact that I don't get anything else done either. I'm also working on making shorter tag-lines, so here goes. Thanks where it's due--you know who you are, and if you don't, then just take credit anyway. That's always a good policy. If you don't want to read this, don't. None of this is true, so no jumping to conclusions allowed. If homosexuality offends you, then you're probably not reading this. Alright, and now, without further ado . . .on with the show.
Lucky Me -10-
My eyes fluttered open and fell upon the angelic face that lay beside me. Waking up next to Lance was something I could get used to. He looked so peaceful, the sunlight laying on half of his face and his chest as he took deep, even breaths God, he was beautiful. I leaned over and kissed his forehead, causing his eyes to open and look into mine.
"Mmm," his early morning pre-caffeine voice vibrated into my ears.
"Hi," I whispered, grinning at him.
"Allo," he mumbled. I leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. Just as intended, it got him a little more alert. "Well," he smiled when we'd released each other, "I could get used to waking up that way."
"Well, good, because you're going to have to."
"I don't think it's going to be that difficult."
"So, what's the plan for the day? I can't call Ave's office until tomorrow, since it's Sunday, so I'm at your disposal."
"You know the plan just about as well as I do," he grunted as he worked on sitting up. "But isn't it kind of a given that we're gonna go to Justin's?"
I rested my head in his lap and sighed. "Yeah, I suppose." I drifted off into my own little world, devoid of parents. It's not like I saw my mother much when she was alive, but I always knew I could if I wanted to. Now, it was just different. I didn't like her, and that hadn't changed just because she'd died. But the knowledge I would never see her again, it was kind of startling. She was gone--really gone.
I was brought back to reality when I felt his hand running through my hair. I looked up at him and saw his green eyes worrying about me. "You alright?" he asked softly.
"Just a little sad," I sighed. "Whenever we were together, she'd always yell at me, but . . .she's never gonna yell at me again, ya know?" He nodded. "It's just kind of sobering, is all."
"We don't have to go over to Justin's today. They'd understand. You deserve some time to yourself, ya know."
"I've had seven years of time to myself, Lance." I clenched my teeth to keep my emotions from spilling out. "I don't want to be by myself anymore."
He smiled as his hand made its way through my hair. "Well, I think that can be arranged."
I looked up at him and smiled. "Good."
His hand stopped, and his eyes got softer. "You sure you want to go, baby?"
"Absolutely positive," I said as I hopped out of bed. "Now, come on. Let's get ready."
We did just that. To make things faster, I went downstairs to shower in the guest bathroom. I'd gotten washed and dressed, and I happened to glance around the room. It was a mess. Now, I'm not one for cleanliness. I usually don't really give a damn if a room is clean or dirty, but one, this wasn't my room--it wasn't even my house, and two, there was a limit. So I had myself a little tidy up. I picked up my clothes, folded them, and put them back into the suitcase I'd been living out of for awhile.
That suitcase brought up a couple of things in my mind. First, that I still had a lot of things at Jason's, and one of these days I'd have to go get them. But second, and more importantly, the sight of the suitcase called to mind the fact that--I wasn't here permanently. This last week had been packed so full with so much, and I hadn't really stopped to think that it was all going to end, and soon. I ran my hand along the leather of the suitcase, and then smelled my fingers--just to make sure the suitcase was real--it was.
I shuffled out of the room and met Lance, who was just descending the stairs. He looked at me and was instantly concerned. "What's wrong," he asked immediately, striding forward and taking my hands in his.
I met his eyes. "You have one more week vacation, right?" He nodded. My eyes fell from his and, after a moment's hesitation, rejoined them. "What happens when you leave?"
His eyes fell, just as mine had, and rejoined a moment later. "Well, you'll come with us." I made a face. "What?" he asked softly, though it was apparent that he was fully aware of `what'.
"That's not realistic."
"I know," he whispered.
"How in the world would we ever justify my being there to anyone? And besides, I don't have anything here--nothing concrete. I have to set my roots again." He nodded. "So what happens?" I urged reluctantly.
"I-I don't know," but his voice gave away that he did.
Someone had to say it, and it didn't look like he was going to. "It doesn't make sense to stay together with no idea when we'll see each other again, does it?"
He shook his head and looked up into my eyes, his tears already present on his cheeks. "No, it doesn't."
I leaned in and placed my lips on his. Nothing fancy, just a simple, intimate connection between us. We parted and he looked down at his left hand. I looked too, and I saw him taking off the ring he always wore. He looked up to me as he held the ring in his palm. "My grandmother gave this ring to my grandfather when he went off to the war. And I remember him telling stories that when he didn't know how he could go on, he looked down at this ring, and he remembered why he had to make it. I want you to have it."
"Lance, I--" words failed me as he slipped it onto my left hand. It fit absolutely perfectly. It seemed tragically appropriate. I saw that two letters had been engraved into the front in the ring--R and M. "Why `RM'?" I looked into his eyes.
He took a deep breath. "It means, `remember me'. It'll be a promise that we'll be together whenever we can."
And right then, that very second, I knew something absolutely, with no conceivable doubt. I knew. I looked into his eyes, and he looked into mine. "I love you." The words felt like the most natural thing I'd ever said in my life.
He smiled into my eyes. "I love you too, Luke. I really, really do."
We rested, contentedly, against each other's foreheads. That seemed to be becoming our thing. "Do you still want to tell the guys about us tomorrow? I mean, if we're not gonna--"
"Do not finish that sentence." He pulled away from me abruptly and stared fire into my eyes. "I do not want to hear the end of that sentence. Whatever the future holds for us, right now, you and I are together. And that's all I care about. I'll deal with the future when it gets here. Right now, I want to be with you."
I grinned at him. "And that's perfectly fine with me. So that was a `yes' to telling the guys?"
He smiled. "Yes, that was a `yes' to telling the guys."
"Good." I kissed him once again, and then we were on our way to Justin's. We held hands the whole way, of course. I really had to concentrate on keeping my eyes on the road. It seemed like the only thing I wanted to do was stare at him, but we managed to get there with no accidents.
When we opened the door to Justin's house, we saw Joey standing immediately inside. His head snapped towards us the second the door swung open, and before we knew what was happening, he shrieked and slammed it in our faces, locking it. We heard him running through the house, yelling "JC, Chris, they're here get out there!"
Almost immediately, JC and Chris appeared from either side of the house and closed in on us. "Hey guys," they said in unison.
`Curiouser and curiouser,' cried Alice. "What's going on?" Lance was smiling but seemed aware things were more than a little bit odd.
"Nothing."
"Nothing," Chris echoed.
"Smells like something from where I'm sitting," Lance chuckled. I nodded.
"Well, we're not going to tell you anyway."
"No, really guys," I smiled, "what's up?"
"Nope," Chris stepped forward, "it's a surprise."
I raised my eyebrows. "For us?"
"Well, really it's just for you." I thought JC's grin was gonna make his face crack.
Lance's bottom lip trembled. "For him? Then how come y'all didn't tell me?"
"Because," JC smirked, "you're a blabbermouth."
"I am not," he protested, but he was grinning.
"Well, then," Chris took another step forward, "would you have told him?"
Lance huffed. "Well, probably."
JC's grin got even wider, if possible. "Well, there ya go."
Before Lance could respond, we all heard a voice float around the house. "Okay," it called, "we're ready!"
Lance and I were guided around the house, it was all I could do not to entwine my fingers in his, and we found Justin and Joey standing in the backyard grinning their fool heads off. I couldn't keep the smile off my face. "Okay, guys, what's going on here?"
"No, no, no," Justin sing-songed as he pranced towards me, "you don't find out until we get there." He started to push me toward the back of the yard, into the woods.
"There? Where exactly are we going?" All the guys were behind me now, and Justin was touching my back. My phobia reared its ugly head; I was almost going out of my mind I was so scared. I had to find some way of getting away from them for a second, just a second, and continue walking behind them. Then I'd be all right, but Justin was insistent in his pushing, and there seemed to be no way I could stop him. I thought I would be fine if I just tried not to think about it, but that didn't work, and I waited too long.
My breathing finally became so short that it stopped altogether. My feet stopped along with my breath, causing all the guys to stop as well. I couldn't breathe; I couldn't move; I couldn't really even see anything. All my muscles tensed up--it was a full blown panic attack.
It took mere seconds for Lance to come to my rescue. Before I knew it, he'd moved all the guys, and I was sitting on the ground in a sort of "safety circle", with at least six feet between me and anyone else--I noticed that Lance was closest to me and practically turning himself inside out he looked so worried. My breathing finally returned, as did my vision, and my muscles relaxed.
At seeing me exhale, finally, the guys apparently decided it was alright to talk. JC decided to ask. "Uhm, Luke, what . . .uh, what's wrong? What happened?"
My heart was still beating too fast, and I was still trying to catch up with my breath, so I left Lance to explain, which he graciously did. "He has this phobia . . .of not being able to escape. He gets nervous when people are behind him like that." He looked to me, pleadingly. "I'm sorry, Luke, I forgot." I shook my head to let him know it was alright. He turned back to the guys. "He had a panic attack."
I was out of it, but I did notice that Chris, Joey, and JC exchanged another one of those looks, and Lance was a whole lot more worried about me than he was letting on. Joey asked, "Lance, how do you know that?"
Lance looked at Joey like he was crazy. "He told me." Lance knelt down next to me, after I nodded it was okay. He put his arm around my torso and helped me to stand up.
When I got to my feet, they were all staring at me. I sighed. "Guys it's okay, really. It happens a lot. I usually catch myself before it gets that bad, but sometimes I don't, or can't, or whatever. It's not a big deal; I've had it my whole life." I was still shaking, but they were worried about me enough already. I mean, hell, they felt it necessary to cheer me up with a surprise. They sure didn't need something else to be troubled about. I hated that Lance was so worried about me--it killed me to see him upset--but it also flattered me; he really did care about me.
"Well, if I did anything--" Justin started in a whisper.
"You didn't do anything, guys. And please, don't try to go out of your way to `avoid' these situations. I've learned to live with it, alright? It's not a big deal." I paused to signify the end of that subject. "Now, if I remember correctly, I've got a surprise coming to me."
That brought a smile back to all their faces. "Follow us," Chris grinned and led the way.
They led me into the woods behind Justin's house. I fell to the back of the line, and before too long, Lance appeared beside me. "That scared the shit out of me, Luke."
I grimaced. "I know; I saw. I'm sorry it scared you so much, but you did exactly what I needed." That made him smile softly, and he looked down at his feet as he walked. I sighed. "I'm not gonna break, ya know, Lance."
He looked up at me, confused. "Huh?"
"I know you're worried about me--about the phobia, about my mom, everything really--, but I'm not gonna break. Save my mom's death, I've been dealing with all my problems pretty much my whole life. And I'm not gonna say that they're easy, they're not. But I'm used to them. And having someone to talk to makes it easier. I'm not gonna break."
"I know, it's just that . . ." I could see him physically struggling for the right thing to say, struggling for a way to express himself.
"I love you too," I whispered.
He looked up at me and smiled. "I do love you, Luke. More than anything."
"Me too, sweetheart. Me too."
The trail we were following was uphill most of the way--not really steep, but it definitely took a bit of leg work. Right at the end of the trail, there were a few rocks we had to climb over. I was the last in line now, and as I finally got to the other side of the rocks, I raised my head and was confronted with one of the most breath-taking sights I'd ever seen.
A lake sparkling in the midday sun filled the view to the horizon. Trees circled the body of water, except for the clearing we'd just entered. The guys had set up a picnic there. An old bedspread smoothed out with a picnic basket in one corner, and a cooler in another. I came back to reality and found them all grinning at me.
Justin laughed. "So, I'm taking that look of awe as a hint you like your surprise, huh?"
I nodded. "Definitely a good surprise." I paused for a catch in my breathing. "You guys are the greatest, ya know that?" My chin trembled, but I bit back the tears of happiness and managed to keep my smile steady.
"Well, so are you, buddy," Joey said. "That's why we did this for you--to get your mind off of . . .things."
"Yeah," I agreed, "things have been pretty hectic lately," I stole a second of eye contact with Lance, "but it's not all bad." He smiled at me, and I smiled back at him. And for a moment, I forgot about everything else.
"Well come on," Justin called as he started for the blanket. "I'm starved."
We all followed him, but I was held back by a hand on my shoulder. I turned and found JC looking at me, with a half-smile on his lips and one eyebrow arched--a completely unreadable expression. Before I had time to ask, though, he looked down at my left hand, then back up at me--his smile grew. A smile of my own spread across my lips. He threw an arm around my shoulders and led me to the picnic.
"You know," he whispered as we made our way to the food, "I think it's wonderful Lance gave you his grandfather's ring, but what . . .what does it, ya know, mean?"
"It's a promise we'll be together whenever we can." I looked down at my the ring and smiled a little. He was leaving, yes, but at least we still had a week together.
"I figured." He paused. "Ya know, I'm really happy for you both," we stopped walking and he looked at me very seriously, "but if you ever hurt him, I'm gonna have to kill you."
I looked at him and smiled. "I figured."
"Course, the same goes for him, ya know," he laughed as we began walking towards the blanket again. "If he hurts you, I'll kill him. No, not kill him," he said after a second, "just hurt him. After all, I've got my career to think about."
"Oh, gee, thanks." He grinned.
We spent the whole day up there. It was great. We talked all day, since it was too cold to swim. But we didn't really talk about anything. I'd never just sat around with anyone and shot the breeze before, and I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again, but, it was nice. I learned that when they left for the next leg of their tour, they'd be going west. Since they'd done the east coast on the last leg, they'd be doing Colorado and Washington and California this next one. I also learned that they had to spend Christmas and New Years traveling. Boy, that was rough.
We all sat around in silence after that, but a comfortable silence. The sun was already casting hues of pink and purple across the lake, and it was getting kind of chilly. Soon enough, we all decided it was getting a bit too dark to stay out there, and we decided to start back. As Joey, Chris, Justin, and JC were getting everything together, I noticed Lance standing by the water's edge, looking pensive.
"Whatcha thinkin' about?" I whispered to him once I'd made my way over to him.
"Oh, nothing much," he sighed. "It's just so peaceful out here."
"Too bad that's not gonna last long." He looked over to me in confusion and found me smiling. And before he had a chance to say anything, I planted both hands squarely on his back and pushed him into the lake.
The splash caught everyone's attention, and soon we were all laughing--even Lance, once he'd resurfaced.
"Oh, very funny," he said from the water. "Now, are you at least gonna help me out?"
I took a step closer and smiled at him. "As long as you don't pull me in there with you. Must be cold."
"It is, and I won't pull you in. I swear."
So, I offered him my hand, and he pulled me in. I knew he would. "Well," I laughed once I'd popped back up, "I guess I probably deserved that."
"Yeah," he agreed, "you did."
We hoisted ourselves out of the water and were met by Joey, holding the blanket out to us. "Here," he said, "wrap this around yourselves, you big morons. We don't want you catching pneumonia."
Lance grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around himself. "You," he turned to me, "don't deserve the blanket. You pushed me in the first place, and you should suffer." I squinted and started to advance towards him.
He shrieked, like a little girl I might add, and started to run away from me. He clambered over the rocks, but his sneakers were wet, so traction was absolutely nil. His foot slipped, and he tumbled over the rocks, landing with a sickening thud on the other side.
Before I knew what I was doing, I shot forward and leapt over the rocks. I knelt beside him and checked him all over. No blood, no bones protruding through the skin, and he was conscious and breathing. "Oh shit, Lance, are you okay? Oh shit, please be okay. I can't take this, not now. Oh shit, oh shit. Lance, are you okay?" The guys had formed a semi-circle behind me.
He put his hand to his forehead and sat up. "Yeah, I'm fine. A little stunned, a little sore, but fine. I got the wind knocked out of me is all."
I noticed his hand on his forehead. "What's wrong? Did you hit your head?"
It took him a second to realize what I meant, but then he said, "Oh, no. No, I'm fine." His hand fluttered back down to his side. "I'm fine, really." He tried to get up, but winced when he put weight on his right leg. "Well, most of me's fine. All except for that ankle."
Before he'd finished his sentence, I'd moved down to see about his ankle. "Tell me when it hurts," I said as I began to push and prod at his ankle and the surrounding area thereof. He didn't say anything, yelp, or pull back--good. "Well, it's not broken or sprained. It's probably just twisted. You'll be fine by tomorrow, but you should stay off of it tonight."
"What are you, an EMT or something?" Lance asked me, grinning.
"Nope," I smiled, "just well acquainted with broken bones."
"Why so well acquainted?" I heard Chris ask.
I cleared my throat and didn't turn around. "I was a clumsy kid." It came out very monotone and extremely not-believable, but I let it lie.
"I'm sorry," Lance whispered, so only I could hear him.
"I'm not gonna break," I whispered back. I put his left arm around my shoulder, my right arm supporting his back, and my left arm under his knees, and I lifted him.
"Oh for Christ's sake, put me down. I'm not crippled."
"You're not walking on that ankle anymore tonight, if I've got anything to say about it, and I believe I do since it's my fault."
"What? It's not your fault." We had started back on the trail now. I had to keep looking down to make sure I wasn't gonna slip and fall, because it was kinda steep.
"You wouldn't have slipped if your sneakers hadn't been wet. And your sneakers wouldn't have been wet if I hadn't pushed you into the lake."
"Okay, but I wouldn't have slipped if I wasn't retarded."
"It's still my fault."
"Is not."
"Is too."
"Is not!"
"Fine." But I still thought it was my fault.
We got back to Justin's yard, and we walked around the house to my car. I put Lance inside and turned to the rest of the guys. "Well, guys," I said, "it was a really nice day. I can't tell you how much I needed it, I really did." I hugged each of them. "And don't worry, I'll have Lance back in full working order by tomorrow."
"Be sure that you do," Chris grinned. I smiled and hopped in the car, and we headed for Lance's.
"You really don't have to carry me, ya know," Lance said as I hit the car door shut with my butt. "I could just hop."
"I know," I smiled, "but I'll use any excuse to be closer to you. And besides, this is much more romantic, don't you think?"
"Oh, definitely," he smiled. We'd just approached his front door. "Oh, damn, the keys are in my pocket."
"Well, I'm not putting you down. I'm enjoying this too much." After some very odd contortions, he managed to get the keys out of his pocket, and I bent my knees so he could unlock the door.
As I stepped through the doorway, he said, "Oh, I feel just like bride on her wedding night."
I laughed. "This isn't the first time I've carried you over the threshold, though it is the first time you've been conscious during." I grinned down at him.
He wrinkled his nose. "You carry me too much."
"I like carrying you," I protested as I began to climb the stairs.
"I think we've just discovered who the dominant one in the relationship is," he laughed.
"I am not the dominant one." I thought a moment. "Well, I never have been. But, I wasn't really given that much of a choice with Jason, and he's the only one I've ever been with. I don't know. I've never been in a normal relationship before. We'll just have to see, I guess."
"It's alright," he said as I laid him on his bed, "I like being carried."
I grinned and got on top of him, one knee on either side of his hips, and one hand on either side of his shoulders, so that I was on all fours, looming over him. "I think we've just discovered who the submissive one in the relationship is." I grinned at him.
"Well," he said, "I've never been in a normal relationship before, so we'll just have to see."
I leaned down and kissed him softly, and then looked into his eyes. "Now, let's see about that ankle of yours." I hopped off of him, moved down the bed, and began taking off his right shoe.
"Oh you big tease," he chided.
I grinned, nodded, and finished taking off this sock. His ankle was swollen, but it wasn't that bad, and there was no bruising. "Oh you'll be fine, but I'll put some ice on it to keep the swelling down. Got any ice packs?"
"There's an ice pack just for ankles in my medicine cabinet."
I cocked an eyebrow. "That's not really a run-of-the-mill first aid item."
"Yeah well," he smiled weakly, "I'm well acquainted with twisted ankles. I'm a clumsy kid."
It was an indirect joke about what happened with Jason. And I could see in his eyes that he was trying to be okay with it. And that really, really meant a lot to me. I looked him directly in the eyes. "I love you so much."
He looked right back at me. "I love you too, Luke."
I reached up and gave him a quick smooch, then retrieved the ice pack from his bathroom. After filling it with ice in the kitchen, I was walking back into his room when he suddenly asked, "Why are you an atheist?"
I blinked but took it in stride. "Does it bother you?"
"No," he replied, "I was just wondering."
"Well," I said as I sat on the bed and began tying the ice pack to his ankle, "I just am. I've never believed in God. It's just not something I've ever questioned." I finished tying and looked up at him. "Why are you a Baptist?"
He looked down at his hands, and his voice became a lot quieter. "I just am," he whispered.
I quickly scooted up the bed and lifted his chin so he was looking in my eyes. "What's wrong?"
"It's stupid." He jerked his chin away and looked down at his hands, but I raised his head again.
"If it's upsetting you, it's not stupid. Tell me."
"I . . ." he sighed. "It's just that I grew up to sermons all about how people who were different were wrong. They all stressed homosexuality. How gay people were sick and depraved, and they were all going to Hell. I . . .I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm so . . .confused."
I could hear that he was close to crying. "Listen to me," I instructed. "Are you listening?" He nodded. "Okay, now just because some Baptist dude sat down one day and decided `this is what all Baptists are gonna think', doesn't mean that you have to buy into that. If you want to be part of an organized religion, go for it, but you don't have to agree with everything they say. You're your own person. Don't let group mentality get to you, sweetheart. Don't let anyone stop you from believing what you think is right."
"It's just--"
I scooted closer to him and took him in my arms. "Do you think you're depraved? Do you think you're going to Hell because you love me?"
He looked to me quickly. "No, no. God, no, I don't think that!"
"Okay. Now, that's all that matters, isn't it?"
He nodded. "Thanks, baby."
We rested in a hug, and I whispered, "How long have you been worried about that?"
"All week," he sighed.
I grimaced. "Why didn't you tell me before?"
"I didn't know what you'd think about me, with you being atheist and all."
I pulled back and looked at him. "I will never, never, be judgmental of you or anyone else before I know all the facts, okay?" He nodded. "Don't be afraid to tell me things, Lance, or this won't ever work." He looked into my eyes and we kissed each other.
I helped him get ready for bed, and then I turned out the light, crawled into bed next to him, and rested my head on his chest. I felt him move his arm, and shortly after, I heard him groan quietly, like he didn't want me to hear him, but I did. I sat up quickly. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"
"Nothing," he said in a painful whisper. Through the darkness, I could see his hand on his forehead and his eyes squinted in pain.
"You did hit you head when you fell, didn't you?" I asked quietly.
I saw him nod. "Will you get me some aspirin?"
I sighed. "Only if you promise to start telling me when something's up. I hate not knowing, Lance. It kills me."
"I know; I'm sorry. I swear I'll start talking to you, baby. It's just really hard for me, but I promise I'll try. I promise. Can you please get me some aspirin before my head explodes?"
I got up and got him the aspirin--wow, deja vu. He's got to stop hitting his head. It's probably not good for him. I gave him the pills, and the water I'd brought, and I slipped into bed next to him. Silence ensued for a few minutes, before I whispered, "Do you still want to tell the guys tomorrow?"
"Of course I do," he replied. "Are you . . .you're nervous about it, aren't you?"
"Of course I'm nervous." I felt his hand run through my hair, and he quietly assured me that everything would be fine, before we drifted off to sleep.
I became aware of the sunlight on my eyelids, and I opened my eyes to find Lance smiling at me. "Hello," I mumbled, "how long have you been watching me?"
"Bout half an hour," he said quietly.
"Why didn't you wake me?"
He didn't say anything for a second. "You're beautiful."
"Well, thank you," I grinned.
"No, I mean it. You're the most beautiful man in the whole world."
"No, second most beautiful." We smiled at each other. We didn't say it--we didn't have to. We both knew it in our hearts. Damn, he has the most gorgeous eyes.
"Well," he whispered, "I'm going to have a shower." He got up off the bed and began walking to the bathroom.
"You want some company?" I called after him.
He turned around quickly and blushed, looking at the floor and digging his toes into the carpet. "Uhm, I . . .uh, well . . .I, uh . . ."
I got off the bed and walked over to him, pulling him to me. "I shouldn't have asked," I whispered. He looked up into my eyes. "I don't want to rush you into anything," I said, softly. "We can go just as slow as you want to, sweetheart." I leaned down and kissed him softly. "I love you. You know that, right?"
"Yeah. I love you too." There was silence a moment as he played with my sparse dark-brown chest hair. "Thanks."
The silence reinstated itself as I continued to let him play, but I couldn't resist. "What are you doing?"
"Playing with your chest hair," he said as he continued to do just that.
"Uh huh. Why?"
He smiled. "Because I like it, and I don't have any. It's cute."
"You're cute."
"I know," he grinned.
I watched him play for a little while longer. "How's your head, and your ankle, and all your other various parts?"
He looked up at me and smiled. "Just fine, Dr. Robertson."
"Promise?'
"Yeah, promise."
"Good, but I'm afraid we're going to have to discuss the subject of payment. Money doesn't really interest me. Have any idea what you could pay me?"
He looked up at me and gave me a quick peck. "I believe we've had this discussion. Right, I'm going to go have a shower, now. Alone." I stuck my tongue out and him, and he returned the gesture.
"Fine," I said, "I'll just go have a shower of my own."
"Fine."
"Fine."
He walked, giggling, into the bathroom and shut the door.
I made my way downstairs, and I was just about to go and get my shower, when I remembered I needed to call Ave's office and make an appointment to go through all the paperwork that undoubtedly needed going through. I flipped through the phone book in Lance's living room, and after finding the number, I dialed it and waited for Lisa to pick up.
"McDavid and Vernon, can I help you?" The familiar, sweet voice practically dripped through the phone.
"Can I speak to Mr. Vernon, please."
"Just a sec."
"Avery Vernon."
"Hey, Ave, it's Luke. I'm . . .uh, I'm gonna need to make an appointment."
"Oh. She, uh, she . . ."
"Yeah, she did."
"Gosh, I'm sorry, Luke. If there's anything I can do, let me know?"
"Yeah, I've still got the card you gave me."
"It has my home number on it too, Luke."
I smiled at him through the phone. "Thanks, Ave."
"So, how's Friday at three?"
"Sounds good."
"See you then, Luke."
"Sure thing, Ave." I hung up the phone and proceeded to get ready for the big morning ahead of us.
We'd gotten to Justin's and were standing in front of his house, by my car.
Lance fidgeted with the cross that hung around his neck. "I'm nervous. It's just . . .all of a sudden, I'm nervous."
I brought him close to me. "Don't be. I'm nervous enough for the both of us." I softened my tone. "Lance, you know those guys in there. They're your brothers. You know they'll be okay with this."
"I know," he whispered. "I know," he stated, more firmly.
"Alright," I grinned. "So let me do the worrying, will ya?"
He grinned back at me and nodded. Making our way into the house, we found Joey and Chris watching TV, while Justin and JC were in the kitchen. Lance seemed glued to his spot on the carpet, so I whispered, "You want me to go get them?" He just nodded blankly.
When I returned from the kitchen with Justin and JC, Lance said, "Hey guys, sit down. I need to talk to you." JC joined Chris and Joey on the floor, facing the couch. Justin was the only one of the four who took a chair. I joined Lance on the couch.
"Guys," Lance started, "remember earlier this week, when I said I'd need time to talk about what was bothering me?" Everyone nodded. He opened his mouth to speak again but cringed and closed it. He struggled for words but eventually sighed in defeat. "You all know how hard it is for me to talk about . . .ya know . . .my feelings," they all nodded again, "but I want to be comfortable telling you guys things. I want to be okay with that. So, I'm gonna try and start." He took a deep breath, and I could see that this really was hard for him. Talking about the inner workings of his mind was really hard for him, and he was trying. I respected him for that. A lot. "Guys--I'm gay."
The whole room was silent, and nothing seemed to have changed--except Justin. Eyes wide and unblinking, Justin opened his mouth, as if to say something, but no sound escaped his lips. Lance started to speak, but before he'd said three words, Justin had pushed himself out of his chair and fled into the kitchen.
Lance rose and took a few automatic steps after Justin, but he soon stopped, his face crumpling into the painful stage before the crying began. "Dammit," I heard him whisper. "Damn. Dammit." Getting up, I took him into my arms, and he stood there crying into my chest, his words muffled by my shirt. "I knew something like that would happen. I knew it."
I stroked his hair in comfort. "Shh, Lance. It'll all turn out okay. Now, let's just go talk to him, alright? Let's just go and talk to him."
"No," he pulled away from me a little. "I can't talk to him. It's too hard. I can't go in there."
I took his head in my hands and looked directly into his eyes. "You have to. If you don't talk to him now, then it'll just get worse and worse. It'll fester, and then your relationship with Justin with become my relationship with my mother."
He nodded in reluctant and sad understanding. "I can't let that happen--not with me and Justin. I can't let that happen, and . . .and I won't let that happen." He wiped his eyes and took a shaky breath. "Alright, let's go talk to him." He began towards the kitchen.
"I'll be right there, sweetheart." I turned to the guys. "Y'all cool?"
"Of course we are," Chris said.
Joey grinned. "We've known for years, Luke. But we didn't know you two were together. I gotta tell you, I wouldn't want Lance with anyone else." Chris nodded his agreement with Joey.
"Years, huh?" I grinned a little. "Well, we'll talk about that later. Right now, Lance needs me." They nodded, and I turned and started to walk into the kitchen.
What I saw there broke my heart. Justin had his back toward Lance. His shoulders were square and unforgiving, stern. Lance stood directly behind him, silenty pleading with him to turn around and talk, but one glance at Justin told you he had no intention of doing so.
I approached Lance and rested my hand on the small of his back. He looked at me, begging me to fix everything, but I couldn't do that. No matter how much I wanted to, I just couldn't. This was between them, not me, and they'd have to work it out between themselves. The best thing I felt I could do was be there for Lance.
Lance's gaze returned to the back of Justin's head. "Please, Justin, talk to me. Just talk to me."
Justin's voice was as unforgiving as his shoulders. "No, Lance. No. Just . . .just leave me alone."
Lance drew back his hand from Justin's shoulder as if it had been burnt. He looked like he was just about to say something else, but I decided to step in gently. "Come on, Lance. Let's just give him some time, alright?" Justin made no indication he'd heard me, but Lance nodded.
I guided Lance back through the kitchen and into the living room, where I told the guys that Lance and I were going out for a little. They all nodded their sorrowful understanding, and Lance and I trekked out to my car.
We drove for about half an hour, in complete silence. Lance was in a stupor the whole way, but can you really blame him? I pulled the car into the parking space and turned off the ignition. "Lance, we're here."
"Where's here?" he asked, not looking up from his lap.
"The beach," I said as I reached over and put my hand on his knee. He smiled up at me. We got out of the car, and walked to the spot I most treasured. It was hidden from the rest of the beach, and not many people went there since the water was shallow and most of the sand was in the shade of a huge cliff. It was where I had been that night Lance found me. Speaking of which, I didn't know how he had. In the three years I'd been coming here, I'd never run into another living being, and yet he'd found me.
As we sat on the shaded sand, I posed him the question. "Lance, that night you found me here, how did you know where I was?"
"It's the weirdest thing," he said as he snuggled up to my chest, "I wasn't really even thinking. We were all congregated in Justin's house, trying to figure out where to look, and suddenly, I just knew where you were. You said something about the beach earlier that night, and I guess it just clicked right then. So, I basically just ran out the door and floored it here."
"Okay, but I meant like this particular section of the beach. It's separated from everything else, and I've never seen anyone else come here. How did you know I was here?"
"I didn't. I was so frantic trying to find you that my mind wasn't really working right. My feet just sorta led me here." He stayed silent a moment. "I know you'll think I'm stupid, but I think God wanted me to find you."
I pulled him tighter to me. "I'd never think you're stupid for believing something I don't." I kissed the side of his neck. "In fact, I think it's kind of romantic. Like we were meant to be, or something."
"I love you," he whispered.
I kissed his neck again. "I love you too."
We sat there with each other and watched the water sparkle underneath the sun. His voice floated to me on the warm breeze. "Why do you come here?"
I took a minute to think about it as I watched the clouds float past. "Well, I have a tendency to run away from things. This is where I run. I come here when I need to step outside myself for a little while. Probably not the healthiest thing in the world, but it's the only thing that keeps me sane.'
"I'd probably feel the same way if I had to live your life."
I looked at him. "I don't think it has much to do with how my life has gone. You have a pretty hectic life, I'd imagine, and you don't run away like I do. You didn't want to leave Justin this morning, but I did. I think it's just sorta the way I am."
He nodded. "I sure hope Justin's okay . . .with me."
I gently tightened my hold. "He just needs a little time to think about things. He was surprised, that's all. And it's understandable. He just needs a little while to think about it. He'll come around."
"You're probably right. I sure hope so."
"Don't worry, sweetheart." We lay back on the sand, content with things for the moment, and soon enough we fell asleep, holding each other.
I don't know how long we were asleep, but I woke up to a ringing. The sun was definitely lower in the sky, and I could see the hint of evening on the horizon. I slowly became aware that the ringing was coming from Lance. I softly shook him awake. "Sweetheart, you're ringing."
He sluggishly opened his eyes, and it took him a few seconds to realize what was going on, but he soon reached for the phone in his pocket. "Hello . . .oh, hey JC . . .at the beach . . .yes, same one . . .really, that's great . . .are you sure he wants to . . .that's fantastic . . .yeah, we'll be there in a few . . .bye Josh." He flipped his phone closed and looked at me giddily. "Josh says Justin wants to get together over dinner and talk!"
"That's wonderful, sweetheart." I grabbed him into a hug. "See, I told you he just needed some time to work things out."
"I'm so glad you were right," he whispered into my ear. I was glad, too. If Justin hadn't come to his senses, I wouldn't had to have kicked his ass, and I didn't want to have to do that.
We met the rest of the guys at a nice Italian restaurant, and we were seated in the back corner, which was pretty secluded from the rest of the tables. We all got situated, and JC asked the waiter to give us a little while before he came back. The waiter graciously nodded and quickly began to take care of his other customers.
The silence that befell the table wasn't very long at all, and in fact consisted only of Justin taking a deep breath. "Lance," he began, "I've got some apologizing to do." He glanced to JC, Chris, and Joey before continuing. "I've been informed of how much of an ass I was this morning, and I've got to admit, I agree. I . . .I really shouldn't have reacted like that. You're my brother, Lance. Nothing's gonna change that--ever. I was just . . .a little surprised is all. It's not a big deal, and I'm sorry I acted like I did. You're still the same Scoop we all know and love." Justin smiled at Lance. Lance tried to say something, but the tears that lingered just below his eyelids prevented him from doing so. I reached over and grasped Lance's hand, and he looked over and smiled at me. "Now, as for you," Justin continued, addressing me. I turned and looked at him. "I've also been informed about your relationship with one another." He smiled. "You seem like a decent guy, so I have no objections, however," he leaned in closer, "if you ever hurt him, I'll be forced to kill you." I chuckled. "Wow, you guys really take this brotherhood thing seriously, don't you?"
"What do you mean?" Justin asked.
"I've already had that threat made to me." I grinned over at JC, who blushed.
"Well, the same goes for me," Joey offered.
"Me too," Chris grinned.
"Alright, note to self. You know, you really don't have to worry about me hurting Lance." I looked over at him and smiled. "That's the last thing I'd ever do." We looked at each other and reveled in the moment.
"Mush factor overload!" Joey groaned. "I'd like to have some appetite left, if you don't mind."
I stuck my tongue out at him. The waiter returned a little while later, and we all ordered. Dinner was very comfortable. It felt so good, natural in a way, now that everyone knew about Lance and I. It qualmed a lot of my fears about coming out in general, I think. I'd been so scared my whole life about coming out to anyone, and that was just heightened after what happened with my mother. But these guys just didn't seem to give a damn one way or the other once you got right down to it. It really felt . . .right. I could be myself, and they didn't care. It was nice.
"So," I started once we'd gotten our meals, "what do y'all want to do tomorrow?"
JC looked up from his fettucini. "Mall?" Everyone nodded.
"Well, maybe this time we should go in disguise," Justin said. "We don't want to get mobbed like last time."
"Disguise? How do you disguise yourselves," I asked, confused.
"Usually just shades and a hat," Lance put in. "Though, five guys in shades and hats walking around in a mall is conspicuous in its own right. We usually split up. It was silly of us not to last time. It's like we were asking for trouble."
"Asking for trouble? Isn't that a little extreme?" I didn't really understand their fan life at that time, I guess.
"Our fans are crazy," JC said, seriously. "They're everywhere. It's flattering up to a point, but then it's just plain disturbing."
"Well, don't worry," I grinned. "I'll be there to protect you."
"My hero." Lance batted his eyelashes at me.
The guys paid for dinner, which was good because I didn't have a whole lot more cash to my name at that moment, and we all agreed to meet in front of the mall at 11:30 the next day.
Once we got to Lance's and had shut the door behind us, I turned to him. "So, what do you want to do?"
"I want to go upstairs," he said taking my hand.
"What, you're tired? Even though we had a nap on the beach this afternoon?"
He stopped walking up the stairs and turned to me, grinning. "Who said anything about being tired?"
I grinned as he led me the rest of the way into his bedroom. Once there, we just stood and looked into each other's eyes for a long time. It was one of the most spiritual moments in my life. I leaned down and placed my lips ever so gently upon his. Things escalated from there. On our way to the bed, our shirts and pants just seemed to fall off of us. We explored each other's body (besides the parts under our boxers . . .I was gonna respect Lance's wishes no matter how much it killed me). There wasn't one inch of his torso that I left unkissed, and he the same with mine. He spent several minutes running his hands through my sparse chest hair. He was really really adorable when he did that. Eventually, though, we stopped because we wouldn't have been able to had we gone further. We lay in each other's arms, catching our breath, and soon enough, we fell asleep against each other for the second time that day.
We woke up the next morning and got ready, as we had several mornings before, and at 11:30 exactly we were in front of the mall with the others. They all donned caps and sunglasses, and I couldn't help but laugh. "You guys look like you're in a bad remake of Mission Impossible. Boy, am I glad I don't have to wear those every time I go out."
"Yeah, well, that's because you're just a big nobody." Chris stuck his tongue out at me.
"Being a big nobody is hugely underrated." We all split up with agreement to meet at the mall's movie theater at 7:10 for the 7:30 show of Galaxy Quest. "Why are we meeting at 7:10?" I asked Lance as we were walking away. "Isn't that kinda early?"
"We're meeting at 7:10, because Justin's always ten minutes late wherever he goes. So, we're really meeting at 7:20."
"You guys really have known each other for four years, haven't you?"
"Almost five."
As I didn't have much money, all I did mostly was watch Lance shop. I know, sounds fun, but watching Lance do anything was okay in my book. Hell, he didn't really even have to be doing anything. I was happy just watching Lance. He bought a lot of stuff, and when I asked him why, he looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Christmas presents."
Christmas. I'd completely forgotten about Christmas, and it was only a couple weeks away. But then, I remembered that I didn't have anything to buy this year. It really depressed me for a few minutes. When these guys left, I wouldn't have anyone here. I wouldn't have anyone anywhere. I used to at least have Jason. But now, not only wouldn't I have Jason, whom I didn't really want, but I wouldn't have Lance. Not in any sense of the word. I bit back the tears and reprimanded myself for almost crying in a mall.
After a long day of shopping, Lance and I met the rest of the guys, sans Justin, outside the mall's cinema at 7:10. True to his reputation, Justin came waltzing up at 7:20. As we were all walking into the theater, I commented, "Glad you could join us, Justin." He smacked me on the back of my head. My mouth dropped open, and I turned to Lance. "Are you gonna let him do that to me?"
Lance grinned. "I didn't see anything."
"You mean, you're going to sit there and look the other way while your friends mistreat me?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." He grinned again and returned his gaze forward, so I smacked him on the back of his head. "Hey," he shrieked, "what was that for?"
I looked at him and smirked. "I don't know what you're talking about."
We got into the theater, bought the tickets, and found our screen. Upon entering, we realized the previews had already started. "Gosh, it's dark in here," Lance whispered.
"Take off your sunglasses, genius," I whispered right back.
"Oh." There was a pause. "Shut up." Lance and I took a couple of seats on the back row, and after many grins in our general direction, the guys took seats up front. They were actually interested in seeing the movie--imagine. No, but Lance and I knew enough not to make out in public, no matter how dark the theater was, but we did hold hands, and we might have kissed once or twice . . .or so.
It wasn't the best movie I've ever seen, but how can you hate anything including an inside-out, exploding pig-lizard? We laughed about it all the way back to Justin's and were only interrupted when the phone rang just as we were walking through the door. Lance ran to get it while Justin struggled to get the key out of the lock.
"Hello?" we all heard him say into the phone. "Oh, hey Jerry."
I looked a JC and cocked an eyebrow. "Jerry's our manager," he whispered. "He's alright, but anyone's better than Lou Pearlman. Man, I'm glad we got out of BMG when we had the chance."
Their lawsuit had just recently ended, and their album had been put on hiatus because of it--something which I didn't approve of. "You've got to be kidding, Jare," Lance said a little louder into the phone, drawing our attention. "We've got . . .but . . .and you're positive there's . . .well, alright . . .yeah . . .thanks for calling, Jare . . .see ya." Lance deposited the receiver heavily onto its hook. He looked up with leaden eyes. "Guys, we're leaving tomorrow."
To Be Continued . . .
Thought I was dead, didn't ya? Well, I'm not. I know it took a long time, but I hope it was worth it. Alright, you know the drill--e-mail me, and you get my undying affection . . .or at the very least an e-mail from me . . .well, sometimes . . .anyway, the address hasn't changed . . .Lauren2993@aol.com . . .drop me a line, and tell me what's on your mind. I love you all, -Lauren