I know I've been gone for a long time, but there's been a lot going on. What with "Don't Ever Die Again," the inevitable three-days-before-school-starts summer reading, family, work, and what have you, this just took longer. But you all should know me well enough by now to know that I refuse to apologize for taking months and months for one chapter. I know all you authors relate, so I'm not talking to you, but here's a note for all you non-authors: Believe it or not, writing is a hard thing to do. It takes me a long time because I'm trying to make this story as good as it can be. I'm writing this because I love writing. I'm so flattered that you like it enough to read it, but I'm not going to change how I write just because you think I take too long. I know you ask me to hurry because you want to read more, but you must understand how frustrating it can be. Sorry if all that sounded harsh--I still love you. I'm not writing all those rules again, if you've come this far you know what they are, anyway. And now, without further ado . . .on with the show.
Lucky Me -15-
Jason called my apartment again. Only, this time everyone was there--it was Christmas Day.
The phone rang, and since I was closer than Ford was, I answered. "Hello?"
"Merry Christmas." Immediately I recognized that sickening, sugary-molasses voice of his.
My mouth went dry. The room began to tilt, and I stumbled backward.
"Whoa there," he said. "Don't fall."
Don't fa . . . .Could he see me? "Where are you?" I managed as I whirled towards the window. I didn't see him, but he could see me. That didn't make sense. Could he see me?
"What are you doing?" My voice was small, but I managed to keep some form of false strength to it. Everyone was watching my end of the conversation--Lance was standing; he'd gotten up when I stumbled backwards.
"Can't a guy call the man he loves and say `Merry Christmas'?"
"Jason, stop it," I demanded through nearly clenched teeth.
I didn't realize I'd said Jason's name until JC ripped the phone from my hand. "Leave him alone!" he hollered into the receiver before smacking it down on its hook.
I looked at JC and blinked. I had no idea he was capable of getting so angry. And Lance was there, one hand on JC's shoulder to keep him calm, and one arm around my waist for the same reason. JC looked directly into my eyes. "Has he been calling you?"
It's times like those when I wish I'd let myself lie, but I can't. "Just once before," I mumbled, looking away from JC's burning gaze.
"That bastard!" he barked.
I looked at him again, surprised that JC could get so angry about something Jason was doing to me. "Calm down, JC. It's okay."
"No it's not," Lance spoke up, and I looked at him. "This isn't anywhere near okay, Luke. Don't fool yourself into believing everything's fine just because you want it to be."
Ford stepped into the conversation. "This guy's scaring me, and I've never even met him." He kept his voice hushed so the other three didn't hear. He glanced at me, not sure how I wanted to play this thing out--he'd figured out on his own who knew and who didn't.
"Am I the only one who's confused, here?" Chris asked from where he stood in the living room. Both Joey and Justin offered up confessions to their confusion as well, and Ford had just finished saying we'd fill them in later, when the phone rang again.
I reached for it, but JC put his hand on the receiver. "There's no way you're answering that again. Let the machine get it."
So I did. And soon enough we all heard Jason's voice. "Your little friends won't be there to protect you forever," and he hung up.
A blank stare into nothing. Lance guided me to the living room, where everyone had formed a circle.
Ford cleared his throat. "I think we should go somewhere else, for now."
"I think we should find the asshole and kill him," JC growled.
"I'd help," I heard Lance mutter from beside me as he tightened his embrace.
Joey blinked. "Even though I've got no idea what's going on here, I think it's safe to say that killing someone isn't the best solution."
"Might change your mind if you knew who that was on the phone," JC grumbled. And everyone looked at me.
I broke my stare and backed up, the circle and the six pairs of eyes making me nervous. "Uhm . . .I, uh--" I pointed at the phone like it would explain something. Shaking my head and sighing, "Can we do this later?" I ran my hands over my face. "I really need to be somewhere else right now."
"Of course we can," Lance said quietly. "We'll just go to my house." Everyone turned towards the door, and Lance took a step to lead me out, but I didn't follow. He turned back to me. "What?" softly, with his eyebrows furrowed.
I looked into his eyes. "He knows where you live." Lance's face blanched--he hadn't thought of that.
"We could go to my house, if that would be better," Joey offered, trying hard not to intrude on circumstances he wasn't sure about. "I've got plenty of extra rooms, and it's not too far from here. As long as I get to find out what's going on here." Chris and Justin shared that sentiment.
We managed to get from the apartment and into the SUV the guys had rented without running into Jason--be thankful for the little things. But it's impossible to know if that meant Jason had left, if he'd never been there in the first place, or if he just hadn't wanted to make a scene--in public, on Christmas, with celebrities, in broad daylight.
I don't think I realized how shaken up I was until we were all sitting inside the SUV, and I let out a breath I hadn't been aware I was holding.
Lance looked over at me. "You okay?" he whispered.
My heart was beating hard, and my breathing was halted. "I thought I was," I said softly. I exhaled again and leaned back, my head resting on the back of the seat.
He scooted closer and put his head next to mine, leaned in and kissed my cheek softly.
I draped my arm around his hips and pulled him a little closer. "I love you," I whispered.
"I love you too," burying his head in the hollow of my neck, "more than anything."
Still shaky, I was led into Joey's house and laid on one of the three couches in his living room, my head in Lance's lap, his fingers gently running through my hair. No one said much.
I was trying to slow down my internal chaos, and had managed to some degree when Chris spoke. "Mind if I ask what's going on, now?" His voice was quiet, worried about upsetting me any more than I already was.
"This might not be the best time, Chris." Lance laid his hand protectively on my stomach.
"No, it's alright." I thought about sitting up to address everyone, but I was comfortable, and I didn't really want the formality that would've entailed. "I can't see that there's really a good time for something like this anyway. Might as well be now."
"Are you sure?" so only I could hear.
"Does it matter?" I took a deep breath. "The guy that was on the phone . . .his name's Jason. He's my ex-boyfriend." I felt a question coming from somewhere, and I plowed forward before it could be asked, knowing I'd never get going again once I stopped. "He's got control issues." And the understatement of the year award goes to . . . "He likes controlling me . . .he, he likes knowing I'm afraid of him . . .so he, he makes sure that . . ." I was just saying words. I wasn't really listening to myself.
Get to the point, Luke. "He beat me," I blurted. My internal chaos stopped around what I'd just said. Three separate, but almost simultaneous gasps. Lance's fingers in my hair. My breathing normal. My heart slower. The calm side of human again. "That's why everyone was so . . ." I searched for a word that encapsulated everyone's reaction, "emotional."
I turned my head on Lance's lap to look at Joey, Justin, and Chris. There were tears in Justin's eyes, but he didn't seem sad. "Justin?"
"I'm just angry," roughly rubbing his eyes. JC scooted closer to his friend and put a hand on his back.
My eyes shifted to Joey, who seemed to be staring at nothing in particular. "This kinda thing always happens to someone else, ya know?" Joey questioned. "You don't realize it can happen to normal people, too."
I laughed. "So, I've been upgraded to normal. Good to know; I'll make a note of it." Joey smiled at me.
Chris looked at me, honesty behind his eyes. "I don't know what to say."
It's never gotten easier to tell people about Jason. I always thought that after a certain amount of time, I wouldn't be so sensitive. I just assumed there would come a time when it all would be easier. But it's not. It's still hard to talk about. It doesn't come up nearly as often, now, as it did then, but occasionally Lance wants to talk about it. Sometimes he wants to understand what Jason made me feel. And it's never easy, but Lance understands. It happened, and it sucked. I can't change that, but I can move on.
One of Joey's guest rooms. Lance was in the shower. I'd lost myself looking out the window, trying to see the back yard through the night. I jumped when I felt his hand on my shoulder.
"Sorry," he said softly, sensing I'd been on another plane of thought. "Didn't mean to scare you."
"That was a quick shower." He'd already changed into his boxers for the night, and the deep red of the fabric set off the milky skin of his abs perfectly.
"No, actually it was a long shower." He frowned. "How long have you been standing there?"
"Well, how long was your shower?"
"About twenty minutes."
"Then, I guess about twenty minutes."
He blinked a few times. "Something wrong, baby?"
I didn't answer; I just turned to look through the window at the back yard I couldn't see.
He stepped behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist, and slipped his hands underneath my shirt to rub the skin of my stomach. "The guys and I are leaving tomorrow morning, ya know." He knew what I'd been thinking about.
"Yeah, I know. I was hoping if I didn't think about it, it wouldn't happen."
"I think it'll probably happen."
"Yeah, probably. Shame."
A short silence. "What's gonna happen to us?" his voice breathy, like he almost wasn't able to say it.
Just what I was wondering. "Why does anything have to happen?" I turned my head slightly to look at him. "You planning on taking up with other men in my absence?" Your absence. Whose-ever absence this was.
"Of course not," he laughed. "It's just . . .I mean, two months is a long time."
"Thank you, Captain Obvious."
"Well, it is!" he giggled.
"I know," softly. "Lance?" I said after a while.
"Mmm?" his voice rumbled gently to my ears.
"Can I tell you something?"
"Of course." He turned me in his arms so we were looking into each other's eyes, and that worry crossed into his face.
"I just . . ." I exhaled, trying to decide how to start. "I love you, and I want to be honest. I don't feel like there's any point in being in a relationship if we're not honest with each other."
"I agree," he whispered, and pulled me tighter to him. "So what's on your mind," he prodded, gently.
His eyes were so worried about me. His face so set into making me feel better. It was hard to look him in the eyes. It was hard to say what needed to be said. "Lance, I . . ." my voice cracked and barely responded, but I pushed forward, "this relationship . . .our relationship . . ." I took a deep breath, "it scares me a little."
His eyes became more intense, and he tightened his grip around my waist. "Why?"
It was just too hard to look into those green discs for a second longer. They asked too much. They wanted to know more than I was willing to give. So I broke away from him and went to sit on the bed, my head in my hands, addressing the carpet. "I love you, Lance. I love you." I wanted to make sure he knew that. "It's just that . . .Jason's so there. He's so fresh in my head. It's barely been three weeks, Lance." My voice shook. My hands shook. Everything shook.
He sat next to me on the bed.
"And I could move on. I've been trying to move on, but now he's calling, and he won't let me forget, and . . ." I couldn't talk anymore, and Lance put his hand on my back. Knowing he was there beside me, listening, wanting to help, wanting me to be okay, helped me to catch my breath and say what I needed to say. "It's gonna be hard to give myself to someone again. After what he did. It might take me awhile, Lance."
"Luke, we've talked about this. I'm not ready for that, either."
He'd misunderstood. "No, I'm not talking about making love to you." Though now that I was thinking about it, I knew it was going to be a hurdle--a major hurdle.
He scooted closer. "Then, what are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about trusting someone again--with my vulnerabilities. I'm saying it's gonna be hard for me to get to a place where I can have a conversation like this with you and not have to walk away and look at the floor because it's too hard to look you in the eyes."
He was silent for a long time, but I didn't look up at him. I was afraid of what he was thinking. "Maybe I've asked too much of you," he finally said. "I am the one who made the first move. Maybe I rushed you into this. I should have thought about this. I guess I didn't realize . . ." he sighed. "If you want to take a break from this . . .from us. If that would make you feel better, then that's what we'll do."
"No," I said immediately. "That's not what I want. That's not what I'm saying." I thought back to that night at the club when he'd taken my head in his hands and kissed me. Yes, he had made the first move, but I hadn't exactly resisted him. "Lance, I'm only barely strong enough to handle this when you're here to support me. There's no way I could get through this by myself, and I don't want to try. In two months, when I come visit you on tour, I want to come back to this. I want to be able to hold you, and I want you to hold me, and I want to kiss you and be able to lay next to you in bed. I want that, but you've got to know how hard it is for me sometimes."
He pulled me a little closer. "Well, now I know."
I looked up at him. "I do love you, Lance."
"I love you too, Luke." And our lips met, tongues softly licking at each other's lips, teeth nibbling gently. Our minds fully absorbed in each other.
And the next morning he was gone. And the ring on my finger ached for him.
To Be Continued . . .
I sincerely hope this was worth the wait. It proved a bit difficult in process, but then all good things are. Drop me a line and tell me how much I suck :) Lauren2993@aol.com. Onward to "Don't Ever Die Again 2". Until next we meet, adieu. -Lauren, aka Pook