Chapter 5
I left feeling much better than I had felt earlier, not that it still wasn't gnawing at me. I waited a short while for the bus and was home in a little over half an hour.
"Well, well, look who's back", my mother said as I came in, "tired?"
"Nah, I'm fine, it's not like I didn't get to sleep last night."
I went to go upstairs to my room to dump my bag when I heard mom, "Oh, I almost forgot, your friend Shawn called."
"Okay, thanks", I said.
I got to my room, pulled my stuff out of my bag, dropping my dirty clothes in my laundry pile and bringing my toothbrush and stuff to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, but I wasn't sure what to think of myself.
I went to call Shawn, "Hey Shawn, what's up?"
"Oh hey Martin, you're finally home from babysitting?"
"Yeah, just came in a few minutes ago."
"Cool, you feel like coming over? Paulie and Tommy are busy tonight, but I figured maybe you could come over and we could hang out and do whatever?"
I thought about it; part of me just wanted to stay in, crawl into bed and forget about the day. On the other hand, maybe going to Shawn's would keep my mind off everything.
"Yeah, okay sure, hang on a second", I said and then yelled down to Mom about going to Shawn's.
"You just got home", I heard her say, "you're always on the go."
"Hardly", I said, "so can I go?"
"Yes, sure, go ahead. Are you staying to eat before you go?"
I spoke into the phone, "Am I eating at your place?"
"Yeah", Shawn said, "it's me and Willy tonight so we got pizza on order already, so get here quick or there'll be none left."
"Yeah, yeah, at least leave me the cardboard box so I can lick the grease and cheese bits off it."
"Hah", Shawn laughed, "play your cards right and I'll let you lick some greasy bits off something else later."
"Oh my god, you're so gross", I laughed.
"You say that now", Shawn laughed, "but once you get a taste of my sausage you'll never want anything else again."
"Dream on buddy", I said, "see you in a few minutes."
"See yah", Shawn said and we both hung up.
I went back to my room and repacked my bag, grabbing some clean briefs, a fresh tee, and got my toothbrush and face cleanser from the bathroom.
I went downstairs and stuck my head into the living room, "Okay, well, I guess I'm off again."
"We're beginning to forget what you look like", Mom said.
Dad chimed in, "Maybe we could rent out his room and make a few bucks."
"Gee, thanks", I said grinning.
"No chance of that", Mom added, "pretty sure we'd never get that smell out."
"Oh god", I said, "I'm going; see you tomorrow."
"Love you", Mom said.
"Love you guys too", I said as I went to the back door, slipped on my shoes and headed out.
It was almost dark by the time I got to their house; I hated how early it got dark as it got closer to Christmas. I could see the pizza delivery guy driving off as I rang the bell and walked in.
"Always just walk in to other people's houses?" I heard Shawn say from the kitchen.
"You bet", I said as I kicked off my shoes, "I like coming after dark and watching you guys sleep."
"Fucking creeper!" Shawn said.
I walked into the kitchen, breathing hard like I was a sleazy perv, "Mmm, you guys are even hotter when you're awake." Willy laughed and Shawn gave me the finger. I grabbed a plate and a couple of slices and sat down.
"Wanna drink?" Shawn said between bites.
"Sure."
"Willy, get our guest a drink, would yah?"
"Fuck you", Willy said, but got up and went to the fridge.
"Where'd you learn to talk like that?", I said to him.
"Fuck you think", he said as he put a can of soda in front of me.
"Wow", I said, looking at Shawn, "I didn't know your mom talked like that other than when I'm slamming her."
Shawn almost sprayed soda out of his nose, and Willy laughed hysterically.
"So what", I said to Willy, "you're a big man while mommy isn't around?"
I knew that neither of them really ever spoke like that around either of their parents; they were fun, but talking like that around them wasn't really tolerated. That was one of the other good reasons we like to be at Paulie's a lot, his parents didn't seem to care to too much what we said. Still, I really liked Shawn's family, they were nice to me right from the first time I'd come over.
We talked as we ate, just shooting the shit about nothing in particular. Willy liked it when he got to hang out with us, especially when their parents were out. We more or less treated him like one of the guys, not typically holding back on what we said or did, especially now that he was almost 12 1/2. Shawn had hinted to me that Willy had already started masturbating. It was the kind of the thing that he didn't mind telling me, but he'd never tell Paulie and Tommy; he knew that I wouldn't embarrass Willy. Although with his name shortened to Willy, he'd had to take his fair share of masturbation jokes over the past year or so.
After we ate and cleared the table we settled into their family room to put on some movies; we watched The Road Warrior and The Thing, and then put in The Dark Crystal.
Part way through the last movie we saw that Willy had fallen asleep at the end of the couch; Shawn and I were sitting on the floor, with our backs against the front of it. I asked Shawn to pause it while I went to the bathroom; when I came back he didn't restart it.
"You packing it in for tonight?" I asked, thinking maybe he was tired.
"No", he said with a more serious look on his face.
He turned and sat facing me; I wondered what was up.
"Okay", I said, "sooo?"
Shawn looked at me for a minute, "Well, the thing is ... I heard about what happened at the mall."
"You ... what? How?" I said.
"Yeah so, Willy was the mall with a few of his buddies, and ... yeah ... I mean, what the hell, why didn't you say anything?"
"I ... I don't know, I mean ... fuck ... I ...", I said looking down, then trailed off, "I was embarrassed and Mike was ..."
"C'mon Martin, this is me ... it's us, y'know, all four of us, we're a unit, y'know, so when something happens to one of us ... it happens to all of us. I mean, fuck ... I hate that guy, y'know?"
"I know ... me too, I mean ... I don't know why ... why is he always ... on me? Y'know, I never fucking did anything ... he's always talking shit about ... how I look ... and ... fuck, I ... and with Mike there too ..."
I couldn't say anything else, not because I didn't have anything to say, but I could feel the whole thing catching up with me; I did something I hadn't done for a long time, I cried in front of a friend.
"Oh man", I heard Shawn say and felt his hand tentatively rest on my shoulder, "fuck ... I ..."
I cried even harder and even sobbed a few times when Shawn leaned forward and hugged me. I was barely aware that at some point I'd put my arms around him; he held me for as long as I needed, leaning back only when I started leaning back and stopped crying.
"Fuck, I'm sorry", I managed to get out as I dug around my pockets for a tissue.
"Forget it man, you okay?" Shawn said, looking genuinely concerned.
As much as I loved Tommy and Paulie as friends, I wasn't sure how they'd have reacted or been as willing to comfort me in the same way.
"Yeah", I said as I dried my face and blew my nose, "fuck, bet you didn't expect to have such a pussy over tonight, huh?"
"Are you kidding?" Shaw said, grabbing his crotch, "sure could use some pussy tonight, you wet enough for me yet?"
"Oh man", I said, "pretty sure yours could go in dry and I wouldn't feel it."
We looked at each other and then burst out laughing.
"Better?" Shawn said.
"Yeah", I said, grabbing his arm and squeezing, "thanks, y'know?"
Shawn squeezed my arm in return, "I know."
I looked and saw that Willy was still fast asleep, "Did he say anything to your parents?"
"Nah, he told me and I told him to keep his mouth shut, I figured I wanted to talk to you first anyway to see how you wanted to play it."
"Man, it was such a shit move, y'know, I mean ... first he pushes Mike around and then out of nowhere ..."
"Did it hurt?"
"Fuck, yeah, it hurt", I said, "and it was fucking embarrassing, especially in front of Mike, y'know, I'm supposed to be responsible for him."
"C'mon man, don't beat yourself up over it", Shawn said, "the way Willy tells it you stepped right in between him and Randy as soon as you saw what happened, sounds pretty responsible to me. Kinda brave if you ask me."
"Brave?" I spit out, "Yeah fuck, I was sooo brave."
"Hey, c'mon, you had no idea he was gonna punch yah like that."
"Yeah, well ... not sure I could've stopped him even if I'd known it was coming ... I'm not exactly a fighter, y'know?"
"Yeah, yeah, I know, you're a lover, not a fighter", Shawn said and made me laugh.
"Man, Monday at school is gonna be gruesome, you just know Randy's gonna make sure everyone knows what happened."
"That guy is such a douche, fuck, I just wanna get him."
"Yeah, me too, except ... aww man, I don't know what I'd even be able to do."
"I don't know ... but fuck, we gotta think of something, somebody's gotta take that guy down."
"I just know he's gonna be worse than ever now", I said, shaking my head.
"You gonna tell the guys?"
"I might as well, not like they're not gonna hear about it anyway, might as well be from me."
"Well", Shawn said, "maybe the four of us can think of something, I mean, okay, so we don't exactly have a lot of strength, but fuck, we gotta at least be able to make use of our nerdy brain power, don't we?"
"Yeah, that's true ...", I trailed off, starting to feel a bit worn out, "so ... now what?"
"Wanna finish the movie?" Shawn asked.
"Ah, not really", I said, "I'm kinda done."
"Yeah, me too."
Shawn pulled the movie out of the VCR and started shutting everything off while I gently nudged Willy to let him know it was time to go to bed. He was essentially half asleep as I guided him upstairs while Shawn followed, shutting off the lights behind us.
The way their house was set up, Shawn and Willy had bedrooms at one end of the second floor, connected by their own bathroom, and their parents had their bedroom at the other end of the floor. There was an open space were you came up the stairs that was set up like a little office. It was where they did their homework, especially if Shawn had to type something for one of our classes.
I got Willy into his room and then went through the bathroom into Shawn's room, where I would sleep too. Both boys had doubles and typically if it was just me sleeping over, we shared the bed. We stripped to our underwear and both went into the bathroom to brush our teeth. I tried as best I could to not look at Shawn's crotch in the bathroom mirror. Shawn finished before I did and went back to his room.
I was just rinsing when I heard something in Willy's room. I looked through the open door and saw that he'd fallen over while trying to get out of his jeans. I laughed a little; in his sleepy state he almost seemed like a turtle on it's back trying to roll back over. I stepped into his room and without really thinking about it, I reached down and pulled his jeans off, and then his socks. I then helped him back onto his feet and pulled his shirt up over his head.
I could hear Shawn in the bathroom, peeing into the toilet, "So what's going on in there, you getting fresh with my little brother?"
I chuckled, but was a little freaked that his comment had brought to mind how I'd looked at Mike those times I'd been over, and more importantly that his image had floated into my thoughts when I'd masturbated. And being honest with myself, I had looked at Willy while I'd undressed him; like us he wore briefs, but I'd been struck by how much more developed he seemed compared to Mike.
"Well, y'know, since you're not putting out for me, I guess I gotta go for the younger version of you."
I enjoyed when our banter turned to subtle, or sometimes not so subtle, gay innuendo and comments. We were joking around, but it always had a double meaning for me as most of my comments tended to be fairly honest statements, even if they didn't know it.
"You really that hard up for a little dick", I heard Shawn say, "and I do mean little."
I knew he was taking a shot at his brother, but given that they shared a bathroom I thought that they must've seen each other naked from time to time. I was beginning to get worried that if this line of talk and thinking continued, I'd go from a little chub in my briefs to a full blown erection.
"If I want something really little, I'll stick with you", I said, walking back into the bathroom so I could take my piss and then wash my face with my cleanser.
As I washed, Willy wandered in, still looking pretty sleepy. Either he wasn't aware I was at the sink or he was used to having Shawn around; he stood at the toilet, pushed down the front of his briefs and started to pee into the toilet. I couldn't help but look and was surprised to notice that there were a sufficient number of pubic hairs to be obvious. His penis didn't look like it would be much longer than Mike's but it looked thicker to me. Like Mike, he was cut, as were Shawn and Tommy; Paulie and I were the only uncut ones. I supposed it was due our parents' European heritage.
I had finished washing my face and was drying it when Willy flushed and started to walk back to this room. My babysitting instincts kicked in, "How about washing your hands before you go to bed?"
Without grumbling, he turned around and came to wash his hands. Shawn was somewhere between being impressed and finding it funny.
"Do you always go into mother-mode when you babysit kids?"
I laughed, "I guess, ha ha, couldn't help it just then, I guess I'm so used to having remind them to wash their hands, mostly the boys really."
Willy found his way into his bed and crashed. I flipped off his bedroom light, then turned off the bathroom light before going back into Shawn's room; he was already in bed.
"Good for lights out?" I asked.
"Yess Mom", Shawn said, "you gonna tuck me in and give me a kiss?"
"Sure, just one question", I said, "your mom slip you the tongue or not?"
Shawn laughed, "Normally not, but since it's you ..."
I walked over to the light switch; I wasn't sure if it was my lusty overactive imagination, but I could've sworn that Shawn's eyes tracked my crotch as I crossed the room. I was glad to turn out the light as my bit of chub was becoming more like a half erection.
I found my way back to the bed and got in, rolling over top of Shawn in the process, "Ready for me sweetheart?"
"Oh yeah, you've been making me moist all night, bring it in big boy", Shawn said in a husky voice.
I knew we were just joking, but my half erection had become a full blown boner as I got comfortable on my half of the bed.
"I love the way you say `moist' baby", I replied.
"Careful", Shawn said, "or you'll blow your wad before you get your dick out of your pants."
I somewhat regretted my words as soon as they were out of my mouth, "Wouldn't be the first time."
"Oh really", Shawn said, "is this a common problem for you Martin?"
"The real problem is that there hasn't been anyone to give me a reason to pull it out", I lamented, letting Shawn assume I was talking about girls.
"Tell me about it", Shawn agreed.
This was one of those reasons I guess I liked Shawn the best. We could joke around as much as the other guys, but we could also talk more seriously, although this topic seemed to be heading down a road we hadn't been on before.
We laid quietly for a minute, before Shawn spoke, "Have you ... ever ... y'know?"
I had to think about how to phrase my reply, "Well ... to be honest ... no girl has ever been graced with my cherry."
"Cherry, oh god", Shawn chuckled.
"You?"
"Nah", Shawn admitted, "made out with a girl once and felt her up a bit."
"Your cousin?" I joked.
Shawn laughed, "No ... well ... my cousin's friend ha ha, I was 14 and she was 13."
"Like'm younger do yah?"
"I like'm any way I can get them", Shawn said, before adding, "wait, that sounds kind of creepy."
I laughed, "I know what you mean."
"Yeah, I saw you with Willy, remember?" Shawn joked, then continued, "maybe we should just go ahead and take each other's cherries and be done with it."
I nearly choked on my spit; I was beginning to wonder if Shawn was only half-joking. For a brief moment, I debated coming clean with him.
"You still moist?" I asked him, "Because I got a big slab of meat down here ready to go."
"Promise you'll go slow?"
"You bet baby, I want you to feel each and every inch."
Shawn laughed, but it felt a little forced to me, "Oh god, maybe I should start with something a little smaller."
"Sooo ... I should go wake your brother?"
"Forget him, he's still learning how to use his right hand", Shawn said.
"Hah, no doubt", I replied, "though I seem to remember not taking too long to get the hang of it."
"Yeah, ha ha", Shawn agreed, "don't tell the other guys? I've caught him in the act a few times."
"Shit, really?"
"Yeah, a few times after school I've come home and I go to the bathroom ... our doors aren't always closed, y'know? I seen him laying on his bed with his pants around his ankles and his hand on his dick. Sometimes at night as well, if I get up to piss."
"Oh man, ha ha", I said, "he doesn't know, does he?"
"Nah, no reason to embarrass him, y'now? Maybe it's good karma in case he catches me."
Our talk was probably the most serious admission of masturbating that we'd had. Of course we all knew we did it when we joked about it. But this was pretty much putting it out there.
"How do you know he hasn't already, if you guys don't close your bathroom doors all the time?"
"Damn, you're right", Shawn said, "I never even thought of that."
I wondered how far I should push our talk, "Sooo ... did you ... y'know, watch him at all? Just to make sure he's got a good technique?"
I fully expected him to give me a what the fuck reply, "Just between you and me? The first time? I uhh ... I don't know, I couldn't help it, y'know? It was kinda like ... I don't know ... it was weird, it was like maybe I was watching myself ... when I first started."
"Did you ...?" I let the question hang there, figuring he'd know what I was asking.
"Shit Martin, this is embarrassing ... and it better stay between us."
"C'mon, you know the two of us can always trust each other, right?"
"Yeah", Shawn said, "and well ... yeah, y'know, I got kinda ... excited? Honestly, I hadn't even really known I was ... uhm, y'know, rubbing myself? While I watched? Not until ... well ... y'know, when he creamed ... I did too."
My dick was so hard and I knew I had to be leaking precum into my briefs. I wondered if Shawn was hard too, I assumed he must be.
"Wow", I said, chuckling a little, "sooo ... I'm not the only one that can't get his dick out his pants in time?"
"Yeah, well ... you know how it is."
"Sure do."
"I uhh, I ...", Shawn started, "I guess we should get to sleep, huh?"
I felt like if there was ever an opening, this would've been it. I seriously considered bringing it up, to see if he'd want to jack off together. I didn't. Not because I didn't want to, but more because I wasn't sure if I wanted to change the nature of our friendship in that way. A couple of years back I'd have probably already reached over to touch him; the thing was that I knew I had a really good friendship with the guys, especially Shawn and I was honestly afraid of risking that.
"Uhh, yeah, I guess you're right", I said, rolling on my side with my back to Shawn, "... g'night."
"Yeah ... g'night", Shawn said quietly and rolled on his side the other way; I wasn't sure if I detected any disappointment in his voice.
I laid there awake for what seemed like forever, with various thoughts running through my mind. Had this been my one and only chance to do anything with Shawn? Had I really heard things in his voice that made me think he would've, or was my horny teen brain making that up? Other more graphic things ran through my head as well. Seeing William's dick; seeing that he had some pubic hair already. The fact that he was a small, cute version of Shawn; picturing him on his bed jacking off and cumming. Picturing Shawn rubbing himself as he watched and then pumping a load of his hot cream into his own briefs. Wondering how it must've been when he would've felt the dampness spreading, maybe feeling it seeping through against his hand.
This wasn't helping me get to sleep at all; in fact, it was making me hornier. My mind kept running. Mike also popped into my head. Was I becoming seriously attracted to and aroused by 12 year old boys? Hell, Mike was still a few weeks away from turning 12. Was something wrong with me? Even thinking that there might be didn't do anything to make me feel less horny. I was so worked up; I reached down and could feel that the front of my briefs had started to become damp from precum and my sweating. Once my hand was down there, it became impossible for me to stop. I slowly kneaded myself in my briefs, trying to be careful not to shake the bed; not the way I had at Mike's. I wondered if Shawn was actually asleep or was in the same state I was.
"Shawn?", I quietly whispered, getting no response.
I slowly rolled onto my back and whispered again, "Shawn? You sleeping?"
No answer, just his steady breathing that suggested he was asleep. I was tempted to touch his shoulder or back to make sure. I suddenly remembered how his morning wood had felt against my leg at our last sleepover at Paulie's. I felt hot and sweaty laying there with one hand still slowly massaging the front of my briefs, the other hand desperate to reach over. To touch his skin, touch the back of the briefs that encased his ass, to reach around to the front.
I stifled a groan as I erupted stream after stream of cum into my underwear; I could feel it spreading across the front and flowing all over my throbbing shaft, down into my bush of dark, curly pubes. I tried to control my breathing as best as I could, my lungs becoming desperate for air after the shortened, ragged breaths of my orgasm.
I laid there for several minutes, trying to make sure Shawn hadn't woken up. I got myself out of bed as slowly as I possibly could; at least his bed didn't creak like Mike's bunk beds. My eyes had long ago adjusted to the dark and there was a bit of streetlight filtering in through the bedroom window. I padded over to my bag as softly as I could, still holding the front of my briefs so that I wouldn't accidentally drip cum into Shawn's carpet. I fished around until I found my clean underwear; I turned to face the bed to see that he was still asleep.
I pulled off my cum soaked briefs and did my best to wipe my still partly erect cock, as well as my pubes. I wadded them up and stuffed them to the bottom of my bag. Holding my fresh briefs, I quietly made my way to the bathroom to piss and then wipe the head of my cock with a bit of toilet paper before putting them on. I flushed and was about to head back to bed when out of curiosity I peered into Willy's bedroom; he was laying in bed with his sheets kicked off. The same bit of streetlight filtered through his window as well, illuminating the sleeping form of his body. I walked back into Shawn's room and slipped gently back into bed next to him, where I drifted off to sleep.
I woke up while it was still dark out; the flush of the toilet and Shawn coming back to bed lifted me out of my sleep.
"Sorry", Shawn said, "didn't mean to wake you."
"It's fine, I could probably use a piss too", I said, getting up and going to the bathroom.
When I was done I got back into bed with Shawn, "That's better."
"Nothing like that first piss of the day, huh?"
I laughed and agreed, "You bet."
"Sleep okay?" Shawn asked.
"Sure, yeah, I probably have another few hours in me."
"Same", he said, "I didn't really get to sleep that quickly."
"You, uhh ... you were awake a while?"
"Well, I sort drifted in and out ... I guess maybe, I don't know ... y'know, with all that stuff we talked about?"
"Oh, uhm ... yeah", I said, not quite sure if Shawn was calling me out on masturbating in his bed.
"I uhh ... can I ask you something?"
Here it comes I thought, "Uhh, sure?"
"Did you ... uhm, did you .. have a wet dream?"
"I .. what?" I played dumb.
"Y'know, like that time at the cottage? I ... well, I kinda was awake ... when you got out of bed? I mean I ... y'know, saw you y'know, wiping yourself and taking underwear out of your bag and going to the bathroom?"
"Oh shit ... I ... well, uhh ... y'know, like you said ... all that stuff we talked about ... I guess I don't know, it got to me", I said, not exactly lying that I had a wet dream, but not exactly telling the truth that I'd jacked off.
I wondered if he was making out like it was a wet dream instead of telling me that he knew what I'd done while laying next to him.
"Y'know, that's the second time you've had a wet dream next to me", Shawn laughed a little, "I mean ... is it me? Y'know, are you hot for me?"
I was torn between laughing it off as a joke and wanting to, maybe even needing to, start to acknowledge my sexuality.
"Would that be really horrible?" I said quietly, looking straight up at the ceiling.
"I uhh, I was just ... wait, what? Are you ... are you being serious?"
I continued to stare at the ceiling; I wondered if I was going to have another cry in front of Shawn.
"Martin?"
I was losing some of my nerve and wasn't sure if I could give him my whole truth, "I ... it's uhh, I guess maybe ... I've ... thought about stuff ... sometimes I'm not ... I guess maybe sometimes ... I'm not sure if I'm completely straight?"
I was sweating again; maybe if Shawn was okay with that, then at some point, maybe not today, I could tell him more.
"Oh wow", Shawn said, "that's big ... I mean ... so ... you think about ... me? Guys? I mean in a ... y'know, sex way?"
"I uhh, I ... yeah, I guess ... sometimes."
Shawn was quiet; the silence was agonizing. I was scared that I was losing a friend, my best friend.
"Shawn?" I asked, my voice trembling slightly, "Say something? Please? Do you ... do you want me to leave?"
"What? No. No ... don't leave. Oh man, it's just ... wow, I ... have you? I mean ... have you y'know, done anything ... with uhh, with a guy?"
I thought about what to say; I'd come this far already, maybe another part-truth would be okay.
"I uhm, well ... before we moved here ... before I knew you guys, knew you ... I uhh, I ... messed around a little with ... well, y'know, some guys."
I still couldn't look at Shawn; I wasn't sure if he was looking at me or also staring at the ceiling.
"You uhh, messed around? What ... I mean, y'know ... messed around ... how?"
"I ... I mean we ... y'know ... we just ...", I said, quietly adding, "jacked off."
"Yourselves or ...?"
"Both", I said even more quietly.
"Wow", Shawn let out a big breath, "... and uhm ... y'know, was it ... good?"
"Yeah ... I mean it's ... y'know, different than ... doing yourself, it's ... yeah, good ... and touching ... someone else ... I mean, yeah, it was all ... good."
Shawn stayed quiet for a minute, but it wasn't as agonizing as earlier; so far he seemed to be doing alright with what I'd told him. Part of me wanted to spill my guts about everything, but I thought that might be overwhelming. For him and for me.
"And ... wow, so ... and you'd ... I mean you've thought ... with me?"
"Sorry", I said, "I ... don't know what to say."
"So really, you'd ... I mean, you'd want to mess around with me?"
"I ... is that hard to believe?"
"I don't know ... I guess ... not, I ... well, no one's ever ... y'know, said that. A guy I mean. Not really girls either ... other than ... and she didn't even really say it, my cousin set it up."
"Are things gonna ... y'know ... be awkward now, between us I mean?"
"I ... I don't ... no, y'know, I mean ... geez Martin, you're ... I mean you're my ... best friend. I guess I ... I guess I should be flattered?"
"Look", I said, taking a quick glance at Shawn, "I'm not asking you to ... y'know, do anything, just ... y'know, I've thought about it ... I know you're into girls."
"Yeah", he said, "I mean, yeah I am ... and I know you didn't ask."
"Do you feel weird that I'm sleeping in your bed? I mean ... knowing?" Shawn broke the tension, "You're not gonna molest me are you?"
I let out a small laugh, "I haven't so far, so you're probably safe ... can't vouch for I might do in my sleep though."
"Noted", he said.
"You won't ... you won't say anything, right? To the guys? To anyone."
"Of course not", Shawn said, "I mean, not after what I told you last night ... about watching, y'know, Willy and all that. Not that I would say anything anyway, even if I hadn't told you that. You ... you really are my best friend, y'know. I mean, I've known Tommy and Paulie longer, but ... I don't know, it's different with you, y'know?"
I wanted to ask him if he'd ever thought about boys. Me. But I thought this had been enough for now. The fact that Shawn hadn't asked me to leave and was still okay having me sleep in his bed was a good start; it felt like a small victory. I knew that at some point Shawn would be the first person I'd tell I was gay. It made me smile.
"Yeah, I know", I said, "Shawn?"
"Yeah?"
"Would it be weird ... I mean, would it feel weird if I hugged you?"
"Yeah ... but don't let that stop you", Shawn chuckled and hugged me first.
"Shawn?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
We both went quiet and laid there until we fell back asleep. When we finally woke up again, we smiled awkwardly at each other a few times, but didn't bring up our night talk. It was already well past mid-morning when we got out of bed; we got dressed and went downstairs, where Shawn's mom gave us breakfast.
After breakfast I packed up my stuff and got ready to go home.
"See you at school tomorrow?" Shawn said as I walked out.
"Yeah, I guess you will", I said, "should be interesting."
I walked home, and despite my apprehension about going to school tomorrow, I felt better than I had yesterday. I guess good friends will do that for you. I also reflected on my talk with Shawn. I was worried that I'd regret starting to open up to Shawn, anyone really, but it actually felt pretty good. I knew he wouldn't tell anyone else, but I did wonder if it would impact our gay-laced banter. I also wondered how he felt about it all in the light of day.