Title: The Masks That We Wear [1-2/?]
Author: Snow C
Disclaimer: *N Sync not mine. Plot's mine though. This does not imply anything about the true sexual preferences of the guys.
Note: This takes place after * the * lawsuit and before the NSA came out. I hope I got the timeline right. I'm assuming that the guys have their own apartment in Orlando. Justin lives with his mom. [thoughts]
All comments to Snow C at iefour@hotmail.com or visit me at http://www.geocities.com/rf2107/blue_ocean.html =============================================
The Masks That We Wear
The Beginning of the mask.
It was always the worse at night. That totally lonely feeling. He lay back on the bed, his hands behind his head. People constantly surrounded him in his line of work. He never had a spare time to himself. It was incredible that he could feel so alone at night, when everyone was resting. It seemed as though the whole world was deep in slumber and he was the only one awake.
He should be grateful for this time alone, really. Finally, his own private time to think through the problems of life, to contemplate the endless amount of work the next day, to simply think of loved ones. Yet he was unable to do that. All he could do each night before he fell asleep was to feel the loneliness surrounding him, engulfing him.
There was nothing he could do to stop it. So he started bringing women back, hoping that a soft, feminine touch could dispel the intense, dark loneliness in him. It worked, kept the loneliness at bay.
Then one night, after having sex with some girl, he couldn't fall asleep. He watched as the stranger beside him slept a sound sleep, her chest falling up and down with each breath she took. She seemed to be mocking him, mocking his inability to fall asleep, mocking his inability to stop feeling so lonely, mocking his confusion.
And most of all, mocking his inability at identifying the real problem plaguing him.
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Chapter 1
Discovery of the mask..
Joey woke up to the sound of the radio alarm clock to another rainy morning. It was weird but the normally, sunny Orlando, Florida was having a raining spell. It had been raining non-stop for the past week. It seemed that he was greeted by a dark and gloomy weather everyday.
It didn't matter to him though. Right now, his mood mirrored the weather perfectly. He tried to recall what they would be doing today. Photo shoot for some magazine. [Okay then, time to rise and let happy-Joey take over.]
He got up from the warm bed reluctantly. Walking into the bathroom, Joey faced the large mirror and stared at his reflection. Mirror image Joey seemed exhausted. His hair was all over the place and there were dark eye bags even though he had slept early last night. His lips were pursed up with displeasure and he was slouching. The thunderstorm outside raged and rattled the windowpanes. Joey started making funny faces to himself.
Grumpy.
Sad.
Miserable.
Angry.
And finally the face that was essential in making him more Joey-like.
Happy.
[Here we go again.]
"Justin, can you loosen up and smile more like Joey? Good. One more shot." The nameless photographer put on an encouraging look for Justin who was struggling to maintain the happy look while wearing a bright yellow jacket.
"I feel like a damn fireman in this." Justin grounded out while holding the toothy grin for the shot. Everyone tried not to burst into laughter. Justin continued grumbling under his breath as the group changed positions but maintained that toothy grin. "Can you loosen up and smile more like Joey? Can you smile wider like Lance? Can you look as serious as JC?" He mimicked the high pitched voice of the photographer perfectly.
Lance burst out laughing, unable to hold his laughter in any longer. The photographer frowned then said in the exact same tone of voice as Justin had mimicked. " Lance, can you take this more seriously like JC?" It started everyone off. Chris giggled. Lance laughed outright. JC chuckled and Justin smirked. Only Joey held the toothy grin.
The photographer seemed confused as to what the joke was. He shrugged and wanted to reload his camera. He patted his pockets, unable to find the new film. Putting on an indulgent look, he told the guys politely to take a ten-minute break while he searched for the extra roll of film. He left the photo studio amid a new burst of laughter from the guys.
"That wasn't nice of you to make fun of him." Lance admitted.
"Yeah, well you started laughing first." Justin pointed out after which Lance looked embarrassed.
"Hey, Joey. You okay? The photographer is not here now. You don't have to smile like me anymore." Justin cracked up at that statement Chris made. The rest of the guys joined him, laughing and having fun in general.
Only Joey kept the cheesy-looking grin for fear that if he stopped smiling he might lose happy- Joey for the rest of the day.
It was still early when he reached his apartment. The others had felt drained after the photo shoot and subsequent recording session for their new album. They all pleaded tired when Happy-Joey suggested clubbing.
Thank you for small favors.
Joey wasn't sure how much longer he could keep up Happy-Joey in front of the guys. In actual fact, Happy-Joey never existed before. In the past, Joey was Joey. He was happy, no questions about it.
It was only in recent months that Happy-Joey appeared to cover up the fact that he was not happy. At first, he thought it was due to the lawsuit. Even JC had broken down during that toughest period of mental torture they went through. However, when the lawsuit ended and everything returned to normal or as normal as they could, counting the grueling recording sessions and various photo shoots.
Joey did not.
It was something deeper than stress. It was a craving, a need to not feel so alone. Maybe he needed a vacation. A weekend trip. Joey began to warm up to the idea. Perhaps he could just bring someone else along, not all of the guys but just one.
And he knew just who to bring along.
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Chapter 2
The cracks on the mask are showing..
"I can't believe that Johnny let the two of us off for a vacation even though it's only for the weekend." Lance exclaimed excitedly as he stood on the deck of the cruise liner. "This is nice. Just the sea and the two of us. It's like Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer and I'm babbling like Chris." The dark blond finally paused to take a much-needed breath while Joey continued his unusually silent demeanor.
"Yeah." Joey responded.
"It's a pity that the rest of the guys couldn't get the weekend off. I mean what did you do to let Johnny give you and me the weekend off?" Lance asked Joey but not really expecting an answer.
[Let's see. It was this or I start going into therapy and taking Prozac.] " Must be my charms." He gave an over-bright smile, which Lance failed to see, as he continued gushing about the blue sea.
Joey had honestly never seen Lance so talkative before. "Lance? You sure are saying a lot today." Joey commented, bringing on a flush to the cheeks of the fair young man.
"And you sure are not saying anything today, Joey." Lance retorted while the older man seemed to not hear him. He inwardly sighed as he wondered what he was going to have to tell his band mates when he failed to find out what was bothering Joey. When the four of them had found out that Joey was going on a short vacation over the weekend and only wanted one of them along. It was understood that whomever he picked would found out what was going on with Joey.
Justin had been the one who noticed that Joey was not acting like himself after the lawsuit. Chris had also noticed that Joey had been acting weird. It was as though he was wearing a mask every time they saw him. He was trying too hard to be happy. As JC had put it during one of their secret meetings without Joey, the mask was slowly cracking to pieces and Joey was doing whatever he could to glue it back together.
When Joey had asked Lance to join him on the vacation, everyone had been shocked. They had all guessed that it would be either Justin or Chris. JC even. Lance was the last person they expected him to pick; even Lance himself was surprised. It wasn't as though Lance and Joey were not close but they didn't have the strong bond that he had with the rest of the guys.
"Lance? You wanna go check out the rest of the ship? I think those girls are staring at us." Joey's voice broke into his thought. The green eye man glanced to his left to see a group of four young girls examining them.
" We better go. I thought Johnny said that this cruise was a popular with only retired folks." He commented at the pair went below the deck and saw more kids that were running around.
" I guess he left out the grandkids of the retired folks. Hey look at the size of the arcade." Joey exclaimed excitedly, forgetting his problems for a minute and got involved in one of the shooting games. Lance sighed and wondered again that why in the world did Joey ask him along.
There it was again. The totally lonely feeling. Joey snuggled deeper into his blanket in a failed attempt to ward off the familiar yet scary feeling. [Please just go away. I'm not alone. Lance is here, with me.] The thought of Lance being in the bed just next to his calmed him down considerably. He stayed huddled for a while, shivering occasionally. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder.
Joey screamed. The cabin lights went on.
"Whoa, Joey. It's me, Lance. Calm down." His deep, soothing voice penetrated the fog of fear in Joey's mind. " What's wrong?"
" It's coming after me." Joey blurted out.
"What's coming after you?" Lance asked in a worried tone.
"It." Joey whispered.
"It? Um.Joey, I'm now thinking of Stephen King. I have images of psychotic clowns holding bright balloons and huge snakes running through my head."
"Just a silly nightmare. I think I'll go back to bed." There was a forced cheerfulness in Joey's looks. Lance pretended that he didn't see.
"Um.if you need anything, just wake me up." The cabin lights went out.
There was almost silence in the dark cabin besides the muffled sounds of the waves. The dark, uneasy silence enveloped the cabin like a fog. Lance, being a light sleeper could hear the ruffling of the blankets on Joey's side. Then it stopped. Lance thought that Joey had fallen asleep until he heard the closet sliding open and close. He forced himself to remain quiet to determine where Joey was going. There was a screech and muffled yowl of pain as Joey crashed into something. Then, the sounds of the cabin door creaking open and clicking shut.
Lance sat up, fully alert. He quickly got up and pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweater over his T- shirt. Pausing slightly, he took out two windbreakers from the closet and the key before chasing after Joey. He found the older man lying down on the floor near the deserted upper deck of the cruise liner, looking at the skies above them. Lance walked towards him and sat crossed-legged next to him. The two friends stayed like that for a while before Lance offered one windbreaker to Joey. He accepted without a word.
" Lance?"
"Hmm.?"
"Do you get lonely when we're on the road?"
"Yes, I miss my family and my friends. It can get very overwhelming at times. It gets worse at night. I mean I can feel myself drowning into the depression sometimes. But I have to pull myself out of it for the people I care about. I wouldn't want them to get upset with me."
There was another silence.
Lance decided to lie down on the hard, wooden floor. The minute he looked up into the skies, a truly beautiful sight greeted him. The dark, midnight sky was full of stars. Bright, twinkling ones. Lance could make out the Big Dipper clearly and the North Star. He wished he had his telescope here. "Wow. It's beautiful out here."
"It's more beautiful than the view I have at my place." Joey gave the first real smile since he boarded the ship. Lance turned to look at him.
"Joey?"
"Hmm?"
"What was the it you were talking about just now?" Lance felt Joey stiffening up. The blond man gave a small sigh, not expecting any answer, focused his attention back to the sky full of stars. A shooting star gilded across the sky. Lance did what anyone would do. He made a wish.
[I hope I can help Joey to solve his problems.]
His wish was answered a minute later. " Loneliness." Joey answered in the tone of a frightened young boy.
Joey quickly scrambled up from the floor and walked briskly in the direction of their cabin. Lance frowned but followed him a few minutes later. He found the older man leaning against the locked cabin door with a stony expression on his usually jovial features. Lance unlocked the door without a word. As if by mutual agreement, neither of them switched on the lights, choosing to change back to what they wore for bed. Joey jumped into his bed, covering himself with the blankets.
Lance stared at the shivering figure of the obviously spooked man and decided to do something impulsive. He tugged at the blanket that Joey clutched in his hands without any success. It refused to budge.
[Fine then, I'll do it my way.] He grabbed his own set of blankets and managed to push the blanket-covered Joey to one side of the bed. Lance lay down beside Joey, wrapping the blanket around him. For effect and hopefully some measure of comfort, Lance slung his arm over Joey and tried to go back to dreamland.
"Lance, what.what are you doing?" Joey asked in a muffled tone.
"Sleeping. G' Night, Joey." Lance replied, yawning.
"But.but."
"G' Night, Joey."
" Scoop, you're in the wrong bed and."
"G' Night, Joey."
"It's too small for the both of us. One of us is going to fall."
"G' Night, Joey."
"You are a stubborn, mule-headed person. I can't believe that you are."
"G' Night, Joey."
"Fuck off."
" Well, same to you. G' Night, Joey."
"Damn."
All comments to Snow C at iefour@hotmail.com or visit me at http://www.geocities.com/rf2107/blue_ocean.html