Disclaimer: N Sync not mine. Plot's mine though. This does not imply anything about the true sexual preferences of the guys. Note: This takes place after * the * lawsuit and before the NSA came out. I'm assuming that the guys have their own apartment in Orlando. Justin lives with his mom.** the voice*** and [character thoughts].
All comments to Snow C at iefour@hotmail.com mailto:iefour@hotmail.com and visit my site at http://www.geocities.com/rf2107/blue_ocean.html =================================
The Masks That We Wear
Previously in Chapter 2...
"Lance, what...what are you doing?" Joey asked in a muffled tone.
"Sleeping. G' Night, Joey." Lance replied, yawning.
"But...but..."
"G' Night, Joey."
" Scoop, you're in the wrong bed and..."
"G' Night, Joey."
"It's too small for the both of us. One of us is going to fall..."
"G' Night, Joey."
"You are a stubborn, mule-headed person. I can't believe that you are..."
"G' Night, Joey."
"Fuck off."
" Well, same to you. G' Night, Joey."
"Damn."
Chapter 3
Joey hadn't expected himself to fall asleep so soon after Lance joined him on the small bed. It was uncomfortable at first. However, he quickly got used to having Lance sleeping on the same bed as him. Joey starting thinking of the other times when he had slept in the same bed with the other guys on the tour bus and hotel rooms when there was no space. He gave a silly grin as he remembered how Justin drooled on one of his shirt.
And there was that time when JC started singing " I Want You Back" in his sleep. Chris had scared the shit out of him when he started sleepwalking. Chris had gone out of the hotel room and strolled up and down the corridor before returning back as though nothing happened. Joey realized that he had never shared a bed with Lance before. It was the last thought on Joey's mind before he drifted off into a deep sleep, undisturbed by any monsters or demons for the first time in months.
Screech!
"Ouch! Damn it! " Joey cursed as he stubbed his toe against the chair again. He landed in the guilty chair and examined his bruised toe. He hoped he didn't wake Lance up. On second thoughts, he hoped to wake Lance up. Especially since the blond was sleeping so peacefully in his bed. Joey groaned a little louder, allowing himself a small, satisfied grin as Lance threw a pillow over his head in an attempt to tune out the noise. Joey decided to go to the bathroom and got up from the chair. He barely took a step when he hit the chair again.
Screech!
"OUCH! Shit! Not again! Stupid, moronic, damn chair......"
"Morning, Joey. Had a good night's rest?" Lance managed to sound cheerful despite the aching in his back and the ungodly hour of the morning. It was seven o'clock. Lance suppressed a yawn as he stretched out on Joey's bed. The older man was sitting in a chair near the bathroom and glowering at him while holding on to his left foot.
"No. You occupied the whole of my bed after I rolled off onto the floor. I decided to sleep in your bed but couldn't go back to sleep." Joey gritted out through his teeth.
" I'm sorry, Joey. I just thought that...never mind." Joey felt a twinge when he saw Lance's guilty look. Truth be told, until he had rolled off the bed himself, he had been sleeping quite soundly.
"It's okay. I'm just not in good mood." He had thought Lance would be the least trouble of the lot when he wanted to have some company on his short getaway from the demands of the real world and from it. Joey had actually sat down and made a list of pros and cons as to why he should not take the four of them.
If Chris came along, he would probably use his psychological training to decipher his behavior and do all sorts of weird quizzes on him. If Justin came along, chances were they would never get away from the mob of fans that seem to have an accurate Justin-radar, not to forget that Justin was too inquisitive. JC would do his I-am-always-here-if-you-need-to-talk routine, hounding him until he either talked or jumped off the ship. Lance seemed the one who was the least possible to bother him.
Joey had figured that Lance would sense something was wrong but not take action to do anything. Turned out that Lance was the most difficult of the lot. Joey had forgotten how stubborn the easy-going man could be when he wanted to. Then again, he rarely saw that stubborn, determined, I-am-sticking-to-my-guns-no-matter-what attitude from the blond. [That's because he usually gets his way through other means like being nice and reasonable.] Joey slowly covered his eyes with his hands, shaking his head in disbelief over his bad choice.
"Um...Joey? Are you feeling alright? I mean, do you want to talk about it?"
"Argh......" Joey sprang up from the chair, stalked to the bathroom and slammed the door.
[Okay, that was weird.] Lance thought to himself as he tried to listen to what was going on in the bathroom. He was rather surprised when Joey came out half an hour later with a goofy smile pasted to his face. " So, Lance my friend. You wanna go check out the pool for girls after breakfast? "
"Uh...I was thinking we could spend some time together. Alone. With no girls. You know have a heart-to-heart talk since we've never done that before. I mean I'm not really that close to you and I see this as a chance to get to know each other better. Not that I don't know you well enough but I figured that we could build a closer bond or something and perhaps......"
"You're babbling again." Joey interrupted before Lance turned blue from the lack of oxygen. " I'm starving, Scoop. Go wash up and we'll go for breakfast."
"Sure." Lance answered, picking up some clothes and entered the bathroom. It was in the middle of his shower when it hit him. Joey never said anything about whether he was okay with the talk. He was avoiding the subject. [That's okay. I can try again later.]
They had spent the whole day doing nothing in general. Lance had done a bit of shopping for souvenirs for the rest of the guys. They went to the arcade, had lunch, gone for an afternoon swim and were now relaxing at the pool. Rather, Happy-Joey was relaxing at the pool while Lance was trying to have a serious conversation with Joey.
Instead of talking when they got to the pool on the deck, Joey had launched into flirt mode. It seemed normal enough. Joey checking out girls just like he used to but Lance could feel that this was just an act. It seemed so mechanical, like Joey was acting on autopilot. "Joey, about that talk I was......"
"Whoa. Six o'clock. That redhead in the red bikini. Check out her butt, man. I'll give her a seven point five. How about you Scoop? "
" Not interested. Umm......about..."
"Ooh la la. Tyra Banks look-a-like at seven o'clock walking in our direction. Here she comes. Hello, gorgeous." Happy-Joey greeted the girl as she sashayed past them. She winked at Happy-Joey who gave a thumbs-up sign to a broody Lance. " Joey, can we talk for a sec....."
" Hello, you two." The Tyra Banks look-a-like had sashayed back to the pair. Lance did not reply, hoping that the girl would take the hint and leave. Instead, she sat down on the pool chair next to Joey. " I'm Yasmine."
"Hi, Yasmine. I'm Joey and he's......"
"So not interested. I'm sorry for being rude but I have to leave. I'm going to watch a movie, Joey. Have fun staying here all alone." Both Joey and Yasmine stared at the younger man as he stalked off.
Happy-Joey took over, apologizing to the annoyed girl while suppressing the urge to chase after Lance. He managed to not give into his urge quite successfully until the girl started hinting at them going back to her cabin and have a nice chat in private. Joey quickly declined and took off, looking for Lance.
He found Lance sitting in one of the two small-sized movie theatres watching " The Mask Of Zorro". He quietly moved into the seat next to Lance, thankful for the lack of audience. There was only another couple besides them and they were sitting right at the back, making out. Lance didn't acknowledge his presence. Joey managed to pay attention to the movie until Antonio Banderas started dancing with Catherine Zeta Jones onscreen.
"I'm sorry about just now." Joey whispered.
"Shh......did you see how hot she is, dancing with Antonio?" Lance pointed it out in a sarcastic manner.
"Lance, I'm really sor......"
"Shh......this is the part where Zorro nearly gives his identity away."
"Forget the damn movie! I want to talk now!" Joey stood up and shouted at Lance, attracting the attention of the couple making out at the back. The blond took his eyes off the screen and gave him a look.
"Okay, Joey. If you say so." Joey walked out of the theatre in a huff while Lance followed with a triumphant smile on his face.
Lance sat on his bed, waiting for Joey to say something. The scene in the movie theatre had been an hour ago and the older man had been talking to him yet he wasn't really focusing on any topic. It was obvious that Joey was going to hold out as long as he could. The blond stood up, finally impatient with Joey's hesitation. " Joey, I'm going to the upper deck place where we were looking at stars. When you finally feel like telling me what's wrong, just look for me there."
Joey stared as the door closed behind Lance. [Shit, he sure knows how to make a guy feel like a jerk.] He sat there on the chair for a few minutes, savoring the rare moments when he didn't feel like he was drowning in an abyss of darkness. At least for now he felt a sort of calm before the destructive storm.
Then it hit him. Those panic-like attacks came again. "No..." Joey barely had time to call out before he was overcome by the darkness again. He was all by himself. So alone. The dark voice taunted him. Seduced him. Cajoled him.
No one cares about you, Joey. You are alone. All alone. No one needs you. You are just excess baggage. A back-up singer in the group. You are the bad, bad sheep of the group. You give N Sync their bad reputation. You tarnished their lily-white reputations. You have no brains, no talent, and no looks. The only reason you get the naïve girls is because you are part of N Sync. You know what the funniest thing is? Joey, my poor boy. I bet they make fun of you behind your back. They laugh and point fingers at you. Joey, you know. I bet even Lance hates you now. I think you don't deserve anyone's concern. Go on, hide behind your knight......
" Joey, wake up! Joey, you're scaring me. Open your eyes and look at me! " Joey could feel the darkness fading away at the interruption from Lance's worried tone. Joey could sense the bright, cabin lights from behind his closed eyelids. He could feel the strong arms of Lance shaking him in an attempt to wake him up. Yet he was unable to respond. He was trapped in the dark web.
But let me tell you this, my dear Joseph. He may be here now but he is not going to stay by your side forever. I will get you one day. You want to know a little secret?
Joey opened his eyes and sat up suddenly. He started gasping for breath while Lance fanned him with a piece of paper. When he caught his breath, Joey turned to look at Lance who was paler than usual. He also had a look of guilt and relief on his features. They stared at each other for a minute before Joey found himself enveloped in a warm hug from Lance. " I thought you were dying or something. You wouldn't, couldn't wake up. Don't scare me like this, Joey." Lance hugged Joey even tighter.
"Sorry, Scoop. The voice in my mind wouldn't let me go." Joey blurted out before he realized how insane that sounded. [ Very funny, Joey. Like what happened in your head was sane.]
"Huh?" Lance let go of Joey, looking into his mocha-colored eyes.
Joey attempted to get up from the hard ground. How did he end up on the floor anyway. He stood up too quickly and everything went hazy. He ended up crashing onto the bed, dragging Lance down with him. He took a while to clear the fog that was still lingering in his mind. "Uh...never mind."
"No. You are telling me everything starting from the voices in your head." Lance got up from the bed, and stood stiffly. His arms were folded across his chest and that was that look again. Yup, that determined look shining brightly in his green eyes.
"You know you have nice green eyes?" Joey made the dumb remark to throw him off. It worked.
Lance blushed a nice pink and the above-mentioned beautiful emerald eyes lost that determined glint. "Really? You think so? I sorta think they look......hey! Joey. I'm repeating myself. None of us is leaving this place until you speak up."
"What if the ship sinks?" Joey pointed out the obvious in a smug tone.
"Too bad then. We'll sink with the ship. So if I were you, I will either open up or pray that the ship makes it way back safe and sound."
" I never knew you were so bossy, Lance." Joey pouted, despite the little warning bells in his mind screaming at him to ask Lance for help. He didn't want to be a burden or more of the excess baggage he already was.
"And I never knew you could be so broody. You're acting like Angel. The brooding vampire with a soul? Buffy the Vampire Slayer?"
"You never told me you were a Buffy fan."
"I'm not. I just watched a few episodes with Justin. Besides, I'm not bossy."
"Yes, you are."
"No, I'm not."
"Are too."
"Are not."
"Are too."
"Are......why am I having this silly argument with you? I'm acting like Justin. Joey, can you please tell me what is going on? I'm really worried about you."
"I don't need a babysitter to look after me."
"No, Joey. You don't. What you need is a friend. Let me be that friend, Joey. Please, let me help you. " The younger man fixed Joey with a look of sincerity and the promise of help. Joey's defenses crumbled down at the promise of help when he stopped.
You want to know a little secret? You don't want him just as a friend, Joey my boy......
The lingering voice in the darkest part of his mind cackled evilly before leaving Joey out cold again.
The Masks That We Wear
Chapter 4
Lance panicked when Joey blacked out again. " Joey! This is not funny. Joey, wake up, please!" He had never felt so helpless before. " Okay, Lance don't panic. Remain calm. What can I do now? Doctor! Right." He was about to run for the doctor when Joey groaned. " Thank you, God. Joey, wake up! Can you hear me?" The older man gave another moan as Lance sat down on the bed and touched his forehead gingerly. " Joey? How do you feel now? Is it okay if I leave you alone for a while to get a doctor or something?"
Joey tried to refuse but his parched throat refused to cooperate. He ended up coughing instead. Joey sat up in the bed while Lance poured him a glass of water and put it to his lips. Joey sipped gratefully before croaking out. "My head hurts."
"Okay, you stay here. I'm going for the......" Lance was about to open the cabin door when Joey stopped him.
"It's okay. I'm......I'm fine." Joey closed his eyes again, the confusion and stress of being haunted by that voice finally catching up with him. " I just need to sleep. Maybe a painkiller for the headache would be nice." Joey could not suppress a smile as Lance frantically pulled out a small black pouch from his bag and produced the painkillers. Lance always thought of everything. The older man opened his bloodshot eyes and took the pills. He gave Lance a weak, assuring smile before lying down on the bed. Lance covered him with the blanket before dragging the chair beside him and sitting down.
"I'm sorry for blacking out on you. That usually doesn't happen." Joey tried to assure the worried young man.
"Usually doesn't happen? Joey, I'm really worried about you. All the guys are also worried about you. You scared me half to death when you blacked out twice." Joey could hear the anxious tone in Lance's voice clearly. " Joey, you know you can tell me anything and I wouldn't tell anyone, not even Josh. You can trust me. What's wrong? " There was a extended silence as Lance waited for Joey to answer.
When the blond looked at him, he saw that Joey had fallen asleep. Leaning back into the chair, Lance sighed. Lance had returned to the cabin because he felt guilty at pressing Joey for an answer when he had promised he wouldn't. It was lucky that he decided to return. In fact if Lance didn't see him blacking out the first time, he would have thought he was sleeping. Then he woke up and became unconscious again. This was not the relaxing vacation he had been expecting.
"Joey, I wish you would just tell me what is bothering you." Lance smoothed back a lock of hair from Joey's forehead as he slept peacefully on while his knight stood guard over him, ready to take on any dragon for him.
Lance barely slept throughout the whole night. He wanted to be awake in case Joey had a nightmare or wanted something. Fortunately, Joey had slept soundly through the night. He yawned as he poured himself a glass of water. Glancing back at the sleeping figure, he wondered for the umpteenth time what was wrong with Joey. He started packing his clothes into the bag and mentally ran through the schedule for work on Monday. Since Joey and him left on Friday afternoon and were only returning in the evening, he had the whole night to recover from the " vacation ". Then they would have to head back to the studios to record again.
"Scoop, what are you doing up so early?" Joey called out in a sleepy voice. Lance turned around to examine Joey carefully. [ Hmm...looks fine. Not as pale as yesterday night.] " Um...Lance, you done staring at me?"
"Sorry, I...uh...spaced out." Lance mumbled before concentrating on the task at hand. " I'm packing my stuff. You should start packing too."
"Ok, later on." Joey paused, debating with himself for a while before reaching a decision. " Scoop, I think you deserve an explanation for last night." He glanced at Lance who stopped his packing and turned around to look at him.
" I've been...been having some problems. I'm not sure how it...started either. It began during the whole lawsuit with......you know. I feel like...like I have to maintain this...this façade of me being happy with you guys during that time. When...when everything was, well, over. I...I thought that everything could be normal again. But I didn't. I was still upset. I started to fear the whole idea of being alone. I didn't want to spend the night alone. So I...I brought women back every night." Joey paused, trying to see if Lance was bothered by what he was saying. Lance was just listening quietly. Joey continued.
" It worked for a while but the loneliness hit me again. I...I just couldn't avoid it. Then the voice comes along. There's this voice in my head that taunts me. It says the most horrible things about me and...and about you guys. Like how...how unimportant I am to the group and...and stuff like that. " Joey stopped, stealing a look at the blond who had a stoic expression on his face.
" The worst part is I don't know how to stop it. I did consult a psychiatrist but he couldn't identify the problem. I mean this is deeper than mild depression or any mental illness. I'm so afraid that I might just do something dangerous one day. I just feel so confused. Am I making sense to you? Because this whole thing sure doesn't make sense to me." Joey stopped for the final time and waited for Lance to respond.
The blond responded by pulling him into a tight hug. " If the rest of the guys are here, we would be having a group hug. But since there's only me, you'll have to settle. I wish you told me all these earlier. It sort of makes sense to me but what really bugs me is that voice thing." Lance said quietly. He pulled away but held on to Joey's hand for support or so Lance thought to himself.
" I don't know where it came from. The psychiatrist happily informed me that I was hallucinating and gave me some medication. I took it but the voice just kept on coming back, stronger each time. I don't think it's my imagination. It's all too real. I can't explain it to myself though." Joey hung his head down dejectedly.
" How about the black outs?"
"That was the second time I blacked out. It started on Thursday. I blacked out at home for a few minutes." Joey replied in a monotonous voice, not wanting to make a big fuss out of it.
"You want to tell the others about it? Maybe Chris had some idea of what is happening." Lance suggested while Joey shook his head adamantly.
" I saw a psychiatrist already and he didn't help. I don't think they can help. "
"Then why did you tell me?"
"I just...I just wanted to. It's up to you whether you want to tell the guys. "
" Joey, I think the guys have a right to know. They've been worried sick about you and if they know what is going on, they might feel better. Oh, I'm moving in with you until you feel better. No buts. I just feel better knowing that I'm around if you need any help or something. Besides, my place is under renovation so it's better for me anyway." Lance rationalized, not allowing any room for protests.
"I don't have a choice, do I? I suppose that's okay. You can take the guestroom. Thanks for offering to stay with me." Joey gave him a relieved smile. "Hey, that's what friends are for." Lance managed to say it without flinching at the obvious lie.
[Yeah, friends.] Joey sighed before getting up to pack his stuff.
" I'm glad you came to welcome us home. Where's the other two? " Lance mentioned as Joey looked out of the JC's car window distractedly. The rain was pelting against the car window.
" Oh, Justin had to stay back in the recording studio to redo some parts while Chris is fetching his girl from the airport. They both wanted me to ask how was the cruise and whether Joey saw any hot chicks." JC laughed as he drove to Joey's place. There was a silence when Joey didn't answer. JC glanced at the mirror to see Lance shaking his head and mouthing later.
"Oh, I'm moving to Joey's house tonight. You think you can help me pack and drive me back to Joey's place?" Lance asked. JC raised an eyebrow but did not probe. He simply agreed. Joey seemed to snap back to the real world when the car stopped.
"Thanks for the ride, JC. You are coming back, aren't you Lance?" Joey asked uncertainly.
"I promise. See you later, Joey." Lance gave him an assuring smile and the car drove off, leaving Joey holding an umbrella in one hand and his suitcase in another looking as though he just lost his anchor in life. Joey entered his apartment on a happier note. Lance was going to be staying with him. He decided to clear out some boxes he had put in the guestroom. Joey attempted to move one particularly heavy one but only made it to the dining table. He opened it and found all kinds of mugs and glasses.
[ So that's where all my mugs went.] Joey picked up a glass from the crate. He had no idea why he bought so many glasses for the house in the first place. There were several martini glasses, wineglasses, and a couple of ceramic mugs and teacups. There was also a bottle of red wine in the wooden crate. He took everything out on the dining table. He glanced at the clock. Lance was taking a long time to pack.
Oh yes, the knight again. Joey, Joey, Joey. He's not here now. You have to fight this battle yourself. ALONE.
"No, not again. Go away! You are not real. You are just a figment of my overactive imagination. I'm not afraid of you." Joey faltered as he said the last part.
Joey, Joey, Joey. You are so naïve. I am as real as you are. Beside, Sir Lancelot abandoned you, didn't he?
"No, he didn't. Lance is coming back for me." He insisted.
You are so innocent, Joey my love. Lance abandoned you. See, it's so late. He probably forgot all about you. My poor boy, Joey.
"Oh god, please leave me alone." He pleaded, covering his ears in an failed attempt block the voice out.
I don't need to leave you alone. You are already alone. Your knight has other things to do than to coddle you or protect you from yourself.
"Protect me from myself? Who are you? Why are you in my head?"
***Oh, poor little Joey doesn't know who I am. This is too funny. Who am I, Joey? I am you. I am part of you, Joey. I am the darkest, deepest part of your soul, Joey. This is who you really are. Free me, and you will never be alone again. Go on, indulge in your dark side. Let all your inhibitions go. This goody-two shoes image you have is just a mask. I AM the REAL you. ***
"NO...!" Joey grabbed a glass and threw it at the mirror on the wall. The glass smashed into smithereens, the broken pieces falling to the marble floor with a clear tinkling sound. There was a large crack on the mirror.
***Did that feel good, Joey? Go on, throw another one. Feel the rush to your head. ***
With shivering hands, Joey chose a martini glass. It was as though he had no will of his own. He felt detached from himself. He saw himself swing his arm up and aimed at the mirror. He saw the glass break into a million pieces. Joey watched as he threw glass after glass at the mirror and the wall. Finally, he only had the bottle of red wine left. Without hesitation, he flung the full bottle at the wall. The red liquid flowed down the wall, like a red colored river, into the floor, like blood. Joey watched the red liquid with morbid curiosity.
***Isn't that pretty, Joey? Why don't you make the whole carpet red with your blood. It's so simple. Go on, choose a nice sharp piece of glass, Joey. That green one would be great. It's so beautiful. Death is always beautiful when you choose to look at him yourself. It is only ugly when it stares at you instead. ***
Unable to control himself, Joey sat down on the part of the floor that was not covered in glass or the blood red wine. He picked up a large piece of the green glass and gripped it tightly in his right hand. The glass cut into his hand, sending waves of pain to his mind but they were not registered. The only thing that fascinated him was the blood, his blood dripping down onto the floor, mixing with the spilled red wine. He slowly toyed with the piece of glass, pressing it deeper into his wrist.
***Joey my love, just a simple slit and all the loneliness will be gone. Go on. ***
" I'm not strong enough to fight it. I'm sorry, Lance." Joey whispered with tears in his eyes as he sank into the dark abyss, not able to swim back to the surface anymore.
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All comments to Snow C at iefour@hotmail.com and visit me at http://www.geocities.com/rf2107/blue_ocean.html