I'd made my mind up. I had to talk to Drew. I'd spent the night tossing and turning in bed, wondering "what if." Why had I turned him down? I mean, it wasn't as if Matthew and I were going steady any more. Drew had been nothing but a gentleman to me. He'd genuinely opened his heart to me the other evening when he'd told me how he felt. Why had I been so stupid? So setting my mind to speaking with him at the very first opportunity, I found myself following him during time between classes to his morning PE class. I was a little apprehensive about following him through the gym and into the locker rooms, but the sight that met me when I turned the corner into the changing room caused all that to disappear. Before me stood a stark naked Drew, muscles rippling. The blush that colored Drew`s face was, at least to me, nothing short of adorable. Realizing I'd seen him, he grabbed his towel, swearing a few choice words in the process, and fastened it firmly around his waist. "Alex, what are you doing here?"... "I've been wanting to talk to you. I...I...I want you to know that, if you're still interested, I've changed my mind. I'd love to go out with you sometime." The smile that crossed Drew's face seemed to light up the dingy locker room. "I'm glad to hear that. What about Friday?"... "Friday"
Though I tried my hardest to keep busy, volunteering to stay extra hours with the kids, tutoring during my free time at school, one thought haunted me. Matthew had come looking for me. The question was why and how? I'd done my best to stay away from anywhere I thought he'd be. I hadn't spoken to any of his friends' in months. How had he figured out where I was? Sure, it was a small town, but Carla's home was in the one local ritzy neighborhood, a place that hardly anyone from our school, even the most popular of students, lived or visited. How had he found me? And more importantly, why? Why had he sought me out now? For several weeks on end my mind tried its hardest to answer these questions. Maybe he found something that belonged to me and is just now returning it.' Maybe Sarah Shepherd told him about us walking this way the other day.' He could just be asking for that old sweater he loaned me last winter.' My answer finally came on day while making my way through the science wing at school. "Alex...Alex...ALEX!" Shit! What was it now?!? I'd spent the last two days tutoring a group of druggies that could hardly put two and two together to make four. This was not the time! Wheeling around, however, I found myself face to face with Matthew. Though my heart fluttered at the mere sight of him, there was something different. It was the same face that I'd woken up to so many times before, the save piercing blue eyes. What was different? Perhaps it was the forced smile that seemed painfully etched across his face, or the way he shifted from foot to foot. Yes, that was definitely it. Matthew had never been nervous around me before a day in his life. He'd never been arrogant or overly-confident, but never nervous. Why now?
"Alex, I've been trying to find you for ages now. Where've you been?" The look of surprise on his face mirrored the surprise I felt myself at my honest answer. "I've been busy. I've been trying to avoid you." ... "Avoid me? Why?" Why? He knew damn well why! He'd known for months why, and hadn't he been the one who'd avoided me, acting as though I didn't exist, for all that time before I'd left? No! This conversation wasn't going to be about why I had done anything! I was not going to allow this to be easy for him! I'd tried so many ways to apologize for what had happened, only to be treated as though I were invisible. He wasn't going to do this to me now! My cool voice sent a mental chill through even myself as I replied. "Why do you thing? Are you really that dumb?" Looks of shock, hurt, unnerve, and even a slight hint of fear registered on Matthew's face quicker than I'd ever thought possible, and when he did answer, it his voice was barely a whisper. "Look, Alex. I know you're hurt at me, and you have every right to be. I know I've been an asshole. I've been a bastard. I know that, but you have to hear me out. I..." "Why do I have to listen to anything you have to say? I think you've made it abundantly clear how you feel about me." "Please! Just let me talk. Just give me a little while to explain some things. I'll listen to you insult me for the next three days, if you'll just give me a little while. Please!" Though I felt a growing resentment at what he was asking, my heart was conflicted. I had to admit to myself that I'd always wondered why. Why had he done such a thing so hurtful after he'd tried to take such a moral high-road with me over the same thing?!? So whether it was gross curiosity or a broken heart clinging to any measure of attention from the one it loved, I relented.
Our small county sits on the crest of the highest section of the Blue Ridge Mountains. The Blue Ridge Parkway is accessible from many points and roads throughout the county. The parkway winds its way around the peaks and ridges, and sometimes through them, with many breathtaking overlooks along the way. It was on one of these overlooks that I found myself after school, my heart filled with bittersweet memories of my short-lived life with Matthew. Many of our most intimate times of overwhelming love had been spent beneath the canopy of the autumn colored trees covering the peaks sprawling before me. Matthew sat on the hood of his truck, staring intently at me. "You know, I still come up here sometimes, especially when I can't stop thinking of us." He laughed morosely. "Mom and Dad used to really worry about me coming up here. I think they thought I was gonna jump off the overlook!...There was a time I thought of it. My life's so screwed up, and especially when I lost you. I didn't feel like I could stand it." "Then why didn't you talk to me? Why did you go all that time without even acknowledging me?"... "Because I was so ashamed of what I'd done. ...Alex, I asked you to come up here with me to tell you the truth. As much as it hurt when I realized what had happened between you and Drew, I had to admit to myself that you were completely honest with me. You never tried to make excuses or deny anything that happened. I don't expect this to solve all our problems, but I feel like I owe you the same honesty. The least you deserve is to know the truth."
The truth. Did I really want to know? Could my heart stand the truth? Would it leave me hurting worse than I already had? But I knew the answer. Yes, I had to hear the truth. He sat looking at me through misted eyes, saying nothing for the longest time, but finally his thick, emotional voice began. "The next night, after we'd come back home, I hit up some of my old buddies from football. They were going to a party at this guys' house they all knew. I'd never heard of him, so didn't want to go, but they kept begging until I finally went with them just to shut em up. From the minute we pulled up in the driveway, I wished I hadn't come along. There was a million people there, just about every one of em drunk. There was booze everywhere. No more than an hour into the party, there were already people passed out everywhere. I didn't really feel like I have anything to lose, so I started drinking with them. Wasn't long till somebody brought out the cocaine. Like I say, I didn't feel like I had anything to loose. ...That's the most tripped out I've ever felt in my life, but at the time, I liked it. I felt so happy, like I wanted to talk to everybody, so confident. I didn't think about us. All I knew was I was feeling good. Honestly, I don't remember much after that until I woke up later. ...I woke up laying naked next to a girl in an upstairs bedroom." Tears flowed down his cheeks as he continued. "Like I say, I don't really remember much else, just that I woke up wondering where I was. That's why I couldn't look you in the eye. That's why I couldn't bring myself to speak to you. I knew I'd done to you the same thing I'd tried to be so high-and-mighty about just a few hours before. ...Alex, if you've ever believed something I've told you, I need you to believe this. All those nights, not the one I'm telling you about. You know what happened then, but all those other nights when I didn't come home for hours, I wasn't doing anything wrong. I've been coming up here, trying to figure out how I could tell you what had happened. And then the two worst things that could've happened really happened. ...I came home one day to Mama saying some girl's family had called. In the pit of my stomach, I knew. I can't explain it, but I just knew what she was going to say. Just as soon as a paternity test was possible, Dad's lawyer ordered one. I couldn't bring myself to tell you the truth. I kept saying to myself I'll tell him when things calm down.' `I need to talk to him, try to straiten all this out,' but that time never came. I came home one day to an empty house. When Daddy told me you'd left, I lost it. I'm not trying to get your sympathy or sound like a whiner, but that night I really gave some consideration to just jumping over the edge of this cliff."
I sat for the longest time, not knowing what to say. It was relief to know what had happened, but unfortunately for us both, the truth didn't change the facts of what had happened the last almost five months. Matthew stared at me imploringly, seeming to almost beg me for some response. "Please say something. Insult me, curse me, tell me you despise me, but please say something."... "Matthew, what is there to say? I'm not gonna lie. It is a little bit of a relief to know what happened, but unfortunately it doesn't really change anything...Matthew, you're gonna be a father. Your life, and even my life, will never be the same." "But one thing is the same...I still love you. I've never stopped loving you." It was my turn to sob. "Oh Matthew, do you honestly think I don't love you? Did you honestly think I'd ever stop loving you? Dont you see it, though? Our lives have changed. We're not the same people we were, even if it has only been a short while. There's been too much happen. ...Matthew, you're gonna be a father. A father, Matthew! Even if we wanted to try and work this out, your life's never gonna be the same. You're not gonna have time for any relationship, much less trying to work past all this baggage!" I was crushed by two strong arms grabbing desperately at me. "Alex, please don't say that. Please, don't leave me again! I need you! You don't understand. My lawyer's already got this worked out so that I get custody of the baby. I won't have to deal with that bitch again! We'll be able..." "Oh, Matthew, don't you see? That's what I'm talking about! You're going to have a baby! There won't be time for us! We wouldn't have time to work through this! You're gonna be changing diapers and feeding and all that. You're gonna be mom and dad both for this kid! Besides that, theres something else you should know...I`ve been asked out by someone else." He stood shaking, tears flowing uncontrollably down his face. "Are you saying we're over?" The words that whispered from my lips sent waives of shock through my body so strong that I felt lightheaded. "Yes, Matthew. I'm afraid we're over."