Ok folks please forgIve me but thIs Is my fIrst attempt to tell my story and there Is goIng to be some typos and other grammatIcal errors, bear wIth me on thIs.
I wasn't a bad kId but I certaInly was a vIolent kId when I thought I had been wronged or saw an InjustIce goIng on that I could stop wIth my fIsts. ThIs attItude eventually landed me In the Youth detentIon center ( more on than later on ).
I started puberty shortly after my 11 th bIrthday and had my fIrst wet dream when I was probably 11 1/2 .
ThIs greatly dIsturbed me greatly as the dream centered on a classmate of mIne who happened to be another boy. I was strugglIng wIth my sexual IdentIty and the thought of beIng gay terrIfIed me. Who would want to frIends wIth a gay kId? All I saw and knew of how gays were treated dIsturbed me, why were they so vIlIfIed? Would my parents hate me? DIs-own me? Would I be sent to a straIght camp ? The thoughts alone caused many tear fIlled sleepless nIghts I can tell you that .
I was kInd of a loner as we had moved 5 tImes between fIrst and eIghth grades and I had gIven up on makIng any close frIends because I knew we would be movIng agaIn and It just hurt so much to leave my buddIes behInd so I just gave up on beIng close to anyone .
That all changed when we moved to a beach resort In a small coastal town In New England.
I started 8 th grade a few weeks Into the start of the school year and most of the kIds had grown up together so I was an object of theIr curIosIty.
I always answered theIr questIons wIth eIther a grunt or a blank stare, when I bothered answerIng at all .
There were 22 kIds In my class and we all moved from one classroom to another In a group so It was the 22 of us together all day except gym when the gIrls went theIr own way from us guys.
I was tall and well buIlt for my age as my dad had set up a weIght room our garage so I was more muscular than anyone else In the 8 th grade.He also taught me how to box as It was hIs favorIte sport. I enjoyed It as It left me tIred and took up much of my tIme so I dIdn't feel as lonely as I felt was due to the fact that when I was workIng out my mInd was away from those type of thoughts and sexual ones to also.
I kept to myself and walked to and from school even though I could have taken the bus whIch I dId on shItty days. I sat alone at lunch and always brown bagged It as my Mom was very health conscIous and packed a large nutrIous lunch. I notIced another kId alot smaller than me who always sat alone and seemed to be the one everyone pIcked on .It dIdn't take me long to realIze why. The other kIds thought he was gay and treated hIm lIke shIt and tormented hIm every chance they got. One boy In partIcular seemed to go out of hIs way to be exceptIonally cruel to Sam every chance he got but was always careful to avoId beIng caught. ThIs kIds name was Todd and he was just slIghtly shorter than me and was about the same weIght but It was mostly baby fat. He and I were enemIes for the rest of my tIme at school.
I found myself checkIng Sam out every chance I got . He was small In sIze but I thought he was the best lookIng kId I had ever seen. He had hIs haIr parted In the mIddle and It reached down to hIs shoulders ,so blond It looked lIke corn sIlk In contrast to my black crew cut haIr. HIs eyes were the lIghtest blue I ever saw. He dressed nIce and obvIously spent some money on hIs clothIng. I on the other hand wore the same thIng everyday - whIte t shIrt , blue jeans ( levIs ) and black steel toed work boots. In cold weather I'd add a flannel shIrt.
I knew I was attracted to Sam and I caught hIm a few tImes lookIng at me when he thought I wasn't lookIng.
After my fIrst two weeks past the rest of the kIds just left me alone . The questIons stopped and I was Ignored whIch was just the way I wanted It.
Well I was feelIng lonely , horny and wanted to get closer to Sam but had no Idea how to go about It but Todd the asshole solved that problem for me.
I guess It was the 3 rd week of school as we were leavIng class to go to lunch I was the last one In lIne to enter the hallway. Todd was In front of me and Sam was in front of hIm. Todd trIpped Sam and sent hIm sprawling. I ImmedIately saw red , whIch for me Is a very bad sIgn as my counselor had told me that was a sIgn of losIng control . DUH !
I punched Todd in the back of his head nearly as hard as I could but at the last second pulled my punch as I didn't want to knock him out. He dropped to all fours and I grabbed his ankle and pulled him back into the classroom totally. I dropped one knee into his back knocking the wind out of him and got down and whispered into his ear " You are going to apologised to Sam and your giving him a hard time ends right now or I'll fuck you up every time I see or hear of it " . Todd was still trying to recover from the knee drop so he just nodded . I grabbed the collar of his shirt and yanked him up but Sam had already pick himself and his books up and was out lost in the sea of kids.
Todd had recovered enough by now to ask me why I was sticking up for a faggot . I said I wasn't but I have a big dislike of you Todd and will make your life a living hell if you don't stop bulling kids smaller than you.
I gave him a shove up against the wall and proceeded up the hall to my locker , grabbed my lunch and headed to the cafe.
I saw Sam watching me as I walked over to his table where he sat alone as usual and asked him if I could sit with him . He nodded and looked around , it seemed like the whole cafe was looking our way.
He said " You better not or everyone will think your queer too. ".
I don't give shit what those assholes think of me or I would have been kisssing their asses my first day here I replied.
Thanks for what you did Mike but I think you might have made it worse. Todd will be after me even more now.
I don't think you'll be having much more trouble from him or that crew he runs with. I put the fear of God into him I said.
Sam s face lit up and it was the first time I had ever seen him smile and he had nice straight white teeth that sent butterflies thorugh my stomach. God was he ever cute.
.
Sam and I spent the rest of our lunch period getting to know alittle about each other . I knew he lived closer to the beach than I as the few times I had taken the bus I had noticed him already in it and sitting close to the front where as I preferred sitting in the back. I found out that he lived with his Grandparents and his folks and little sister had died 2 years earlier when their car was hit by a drunk driving a 10 wheeled dump truck.
Jesus, when he told me about waking up in the hospital I almost started bawling right then and there but managed to hold in in.
He lived right on the north end of the beach ( which is quite rocky and not very good for swimming ) at one of the best condo complexes with an indoor pool and weight room. I quickly thought I could ride my bike there in less than 10 minutes from my house if he ever invited me.
I told him where I lived and he knew right where it was, he even knew which house I lived in .
I told him we had moved around alot as my Dads job required it up until now . Dad had finally accepted a position in the main office in Boston so I was told this was going to be our last move. I found that hard to believe because we had moved so many times already that it just seemed strange that we'd be staying in one place more than a year and a half or so.
Sam asked me if I wanted to come over after school and check out the pool and gym at the condo ( boy did I ever ) but I couldn't as I had my first meeting with my counselor.
I didn't want to scare Sam off by telling him I was seeing someone to help me control my anger but I also didn't want to start off lying to him either. I made a snap decision to tell him the truth and did so.
I told him about seeing red and just losing control , that I had hurt other kids before , that the police had been involved and I was under a court order to see someone once a week and they had report to the youth service department on my progress monthly.
And now your in trouble again because of me , he said in voice barely above a whisper.
No , I don't think I'm in any trouble or I would have been called to the office by now.
Well I don't want you getting into any trouble because of me , he said in that same voice while looking down at the remains of his lunch.
You probably think I'm a basket case and won't wanna hang out with me knowing all that.
He looked up with sad eyes and said that he too was seeing someone to deal with all the issues he had going on with his family being killed and "other" things.
I guessed the "other " things might have something to do with him being gay but didn't want to pry , at least not yet.
He looked so small and vulnerable right then that I wanted to grab him and pull him in tight. The thought of Todd and his crew causing him even more pain started the red fog to creep into my vision.
Earth to Mike ! I heard.
The fog quickly receded and I was once again looking into those pale blue eye.
You OK ? Sam asked
Ya I'm fine, just drifted off think about my first meeting with John Taylor after school.
John Taylor? At the Seacoast medical center? That's where I go !
No shit I asked?
No shit he said with an even bigger grin.
Well maybe we could have a joint session one day I laughed .
Sam said that he liked John and that he had helped him deal with alot of shit and that he liked him alot. I told Sam that it's different with me as its court ordered and the last counselor I had seen seemed to think I was some sort or rabid dog that was going to bite or something.
Well the lunch bell rang and we finished off the rest of the day bouncing classroom to classroom. I noticed Todd and the 3 or 4 kids that hung around him giving me the stink eye for the rest of the day. I glared back any of them until they averted their eyes first. I had already found out I could be intimidating just by staring and used it to my advantage when necessary.
My Mom picked me up after school and as we drove to the medical center she asked me to try hard to open up to John as the last few monthly reports to the courts had said I was not very forth coming and hadn't made much progress dealing with my anger management . I hadn't liked or trusted Maggie at all . She was about 60 or so and was just way to nosey. I'd spend the hour answering her questions like I always did...yes or no answers , lots of " I don't knows " and being evasive as possible . No way was I going to tell that dried up old bitch I was driving myself crazy trying to deal with my sexuality. She'd tell the court and the court would tell my folks and then I'd be in world of shit. I had figured out on my own that I beat up kids who deserved it besause I was frustrated and angry at myself with my thoughts of having sex with other boys.
After I had dropped some bulling asshole I felt good . No I felt great . I'd be at peace for awhile and then the rage would slowly build again.
I sighed and told Mom that I'd try .
Well the meeting with John went better than I thought . He begain by reading some of my case file and asked me a few questions here and there to clairify a few things. I thought maybe just maybe I'd get him to promise me not to put in the reports if I told him I was gay. MAYBE !
That night I jerked off thinking of Sam and for the first time didn't feel quilty or ashamed after.
The next morning as I walked up to the main road which lead to the school I saw Sam standing at the top of my street and I immediately smiled and felt good ! He had walked here to see me ! Maybe he didn't think I was such a bad kid after all .
He looked serious as we bumped fists and started heading up the road.
out of the blue he said ;
Its true ya know . He said while looking at me with tear filled eyes.
I kind of thought I knew what he was getting at but I needed to hear the words from him. Whats true Sam? I asked with as much concern and warmth as I could. Seeing him like this hurt me deeply and I hardly knew him.
I am gay he said in such a small defeated voice that once again I just wanted to hug him and protect him. I didn't even know him and he was causing such strong feelings in me but they were good feelings and I wanted more of them. As an only child I guess I was pretty selfish. While I wasn't spoiled I never lacked for anything except and real close contact with my folks . they aren't touchy feely huggy type people and I guess I craved that sort of closeness and had already deceided that I wanted that with Sam.
You probaly hate me now too and won't want to be seen with me. I'll wait here so you can walk ahead.
He was looking down as he said that and I could see the tears flowing down his checks freely
We had stopped walking and I placed my fingers under his chin so he could look into my eyes.
Sam , I said , I'm think I'm gay also.
- bearog2@yahoo.com
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Thursday, October 18, 2012 6:12 PM
Sam looked up at me as his bottom lip quivered . I remember thinking how could anyone hurt this kid and want to see him cry ? Todd 's face flashed into my mind.
"Really ?" he croaked .
" I think so Sam but I've never done anything with anyone , guy or girl.'
" I have , but not much." he said.
We walked on side by side in silence for a little bit as he wiped at this face with his sleeve. I was thinking of our revelations to one another and what it could mean to the future. I had hoped Sam wanted what I wanted but wasn't about to ask. I wasn't sure what I really wanted other than to hold him close and kiss him, beyond that I was lost. I knew what two guys could do together but had no idea if Sam felt that way about me.
As I said earlier that Sam was very good looking while I was plain at best. I had a block head with a half a dozen scars that stood out clearly through my crew cut. I guess my best feature was my body. I didn't have a six pack or large pecs. Just a toned body . I wasn't smart or witty . I was just an average kid who was quick to anger and good with his fists.
My Mom hated the fact that I fought even after I explained why I had fought. In my mind every single fight was justified but when that red fog took over I wasn't me . I couldn't even remember what I had done after.
Usually the other kid would be crying on the ground and some teacher or other adult had pulled me off . The fog would lift and I'd feel exhausted physically , emotionally and mentally.
I never , ever picked a fight with someone smaller than me or some who didn't deserve it in my mind.
I just hated to see the strong pick on the weak and if I could stop it I would. I caught many breaks as the kids I beat up were known bullies and trouble makers while I on the other hand was quiet , kept to myself , did my homework never cut up in class or talked backed or sassed the teachers.
I took my punishment and never bitched about it.
I had learned not to leave black eyes or bloody noses as that was what had brought the police in on it the last time.
The begaining of last summer before we had moved I had gone to the park and came across two kids from my school ganging up on a younger black kid I had never seen before One of them as holding him while the other was punching him in between racial slurs which I hated even worse than the word faggot.
I ran over and kicked the one holding him as hard as I could square in the ass with my steel toed boots. I aimed right for his asshole and knew I scored a direct him cause he went down quick.
The other kid kid tried to run but I tackled him from behind and we both went down . I flipped him over and started to pummel him in the face next thing I knew I was standing back up and was being restrained from behind. Looking down in front of me Tyler's face was a mask of blood and he wasn't moving or even crying ... he was out cold. I could hear crying behind me and it was coming from the kid I had kicked in the ass. The black kid had run off and was no where around.
The older guy who had been holding me let go and I just walked away. I returned home and told my Dad what had happened . Needless to say he wasn't very happy with me and shortly after that the police were at the door wanting to talk to me. I was hand cuffed and driven to the station. They put me in a room and cuffed me to a bench that was bolted to the floor. Twenty minutes later my Dad showed up and walked in with a detective. I was un cuffed and asked why I had beaten Tyler up . I truthfully told the whole story but the black kid was no where in the park when the police had shown up.
The cop had been taking notes when another cop opened the door and asked to see him in the hallway.
After he had left my Dad told me he was PROUD of me !!! Yes ! He told me there are nothing worse than racists and bigots and that we all bleed red blood no matter if we are Black White, Indian or Chinese. I had done the right thing even though I had carried it alittle to far with Tyler.
At that point I just lost it and fell into his arms with deep wracking sobs and was shaking like a leaf. I hadn't hugged my Dad like that since I was little and it felt good to press my face into his chest . I remember smelling the old spice deodorant he used like it was yesterday.
My Dad rested his head on top of mine and was rubbing my back saying " There there Mikey , its ok . Its gonna be alright". That just caused me to cry even harder.
After what seemed like an eternity I calmed down and my Dad pulled out a hanky and wiped my face and even held it to my nose and told me to blow just like he had when I was younger.
We sat next to each other as the door opened a the detective walked in.
He told us that a kid and his Mom had come in to report an assault . It was the black kid from the park.
I finished giving my statement and was allowed to leave with my Dad after we had been given some paper work explaining that I was being charged with assault and had a court date with the juvenile court in 10 days.
Tyler ended up with a broken nose , a pair of black eyes and some loose teeth . The kid with Tyler ended up with a bruised anus and a slight crack to his tail bone.
At court Quan's ( the black kid ) statement was read by the judge and basically said I had saved him.
That's how I ended up with the court ordered counseling.
Sam said he knew a short cut thru some woods that would bring us out close to the school . The school by the way was for 6 to 8 th grades . I asked him about some of the kids that hung out with Todd and to my surprise he didn't have a bad thing to say about any of them . I couldn't believe it . Here these guys had made school a living hell for him and he wouldn't say a bad thing about one of them.
We entered a trail in the woods and after looking over my shoulder to make sure no one was around I reached down and took Sam's hand in mine. My heart was pounding so hard it felt like I could hear the roar of the ocean ! It was like electricity flowing.
I was afraid he was going to yank his hand away but instead he just looked up at me and gave me one of those killer smile that set my stomach flopping and squeezed slightly.
Sam looked up at me and squeezed my hand.