When I walked into that bar in August, I never imagined that my entire life was about to change. I had been in town for several months, had met several very interesting people, but was looking for some piece & quiet, some time to be away from a couple of women who seemed determined to change my single status, and in the process were making my personal life quite hectic.
I had never been in this particular bar on a Thursday, and was hoping that it would be quiet so that I could gather my thoughts and possibly engage in an intelligent conversation. Although considering the setting I figured the latter was not going to happen. The bar was relatively quiet, there was a pool tournament in progress and all of the players seemed so intent on the game that they barely noticed my presence which was fine with me. I ordered a beverage and took a deep breath.
A couple of minutes later I glanced over my shoulder when I heard the sound of a female voice, something about the voice caught my attention. At first I couldn't see her face, she was standing with her back to me, studying the pool table, one hip cocked to the side, a beer in one hand & her pool cue in the other. I unabashedly studied her, the curve of her hip, the swell of her breast from the side, and her stance conveyed a quiet self-assurance. I heard her laugh, and I had the impression that it wasn't something that happened often, or easily. I continued to watch as she bent from the waist to make her shot, admiring her gracefulness. I wanted her to turn around, I still hadn't seen her face. And when she did I was amazed at what I was...she was beautiful.
One look at her eyes and I knew there was something different about this woman, something in them spoke of incredible intelligence, but I also saw pain. I wanted to talk to her, something about her made me want to pull her into a quiet corner and learn everything there was to know. My usual confidence seemed to have left me. I had never before felt like I couldn't approach a woman, but I knew there was something different about her. When she came up to the bar to order a beer I made some stupid comment about the beer she was drinking. What was wrong with me? A well read, educated woman, and this was all I could come up with?
We started chatting, simple small talk that meant nothing to either of us. Names were exchanged along with a couple tentative smiles and even though she seemed interested, she also seemed to be holding back and I began to wonder if she was indeed interested at all.As the evening wore on other people started coming into the bar and she was up to play another game.
I spoke to a few people, watching the beautiful red head out of the corner of my eye, listening carefully to catch the sound of her voice when she spoke or laughed. Finally I decided to go out into the garden to smoke and enjoy the weather. I was actaully hoping she might eventually find her way outside so I could find out more about her and try and figure out what it was about her that had me so interested. My being so enthralled with anyone was totally out of character and it was begining to annoy me.
She had told me her name was Kara, that she had moved to New York from Illinios, but not much else. I gathered from talking to a couple other people that she came in every Thursday to play pool, have a couple of beers, and then she left...I wanted to know more. But I was also worried, I was leaving New York in a couple weeks, and didn't want to start anything that I wouldn't be around to continue. What? Was I really contimplating what it might be like to be in some sort of relationship with anyone, let alone someone I had met a couple of hours ago?
Kara eventually did come outside after finishing her pool game, and we sat with several other people talking. I was getting buzzed and as I am known to do, was relating several stories. Someone suggested a silly drinking game called "I never", and we all proceeded to get loud.
I made several comments about not wanting to keep anyone (be in a relationship), but just wanting to borrow them, which at the time was my response to anyone who showed interest in me. The only problem was, I kept looking at her and thinking that she might be able to change my view on the matter. And she didn't seem to find any humor about the comment either.
I wanted so badly to lean over and kiss her, but there was something about the way she kept looking away that made me think it wasn't such a good idea. I knew that as long as we continued to sit there with all of those people around nothing was going to happen so I asked her to go to breakfast with me. After trying to sort out directions about where we could actually go to get something to eat we set out. We found the State Street Diner and sat down to order.
Then it seemed that being alone in a diner at 2 a.m. was not the answer. I wanted to take her home with me...to be able to kiss her lips, feel her skin against mine...she was driving me crazy and seemed completely unaware of the fact. When we left the diner, leaving behind two plates of disgustingly greasy food that were hardly touched, I thought that was exactly what would happen. I have never been so off the mark in my life.
We reached the lot where we had parked & I opened the door to my truck and sat on the drivers seat. She was standing in front of me talking, getting mixed up in what was proving to be an ackward moment. I pulled her closer to me and kissed her...it was everything I had imagined it would be...and so much more. Thinking back, I am actually surprised that the two of us didn't get arrested in that parking lot...things got pretty out of hand and we were in plain sight. Finally I asked her if she was going to come home with me...or if I was going home with her...feeling like myself again, I had no doubt that one or the other was going to happen.
"I have a girlfriend." At first I was stunned, during the conversation of the past few hours there had been no mention of this partner of hers. My next reaction was to be a little pissed off, I had been on the other end of this situation and remembered how hurtful it was to have someone cheat on you. I looked at her very carefully, and I realized I didn't care and I told her so. I wanted this woman, probably more than I had ever wanted anyone in my life...she wasn't having it.
She apologized and stood there looking at me. I got irritated...There was probably only one other time in my entire life that I had been turned down...this was not a familiar situation for me and I didn't like it. I wished her luck with hiding the hickeys from her girl and watched as she walked back to her truck. I sat there for a minute wondering why I wanted to get out and argue with her, tell her she should come with me anyway, and thinking about what she had said. She'd told me that one night wouldn't be enough for her and then walked away.
I spent the next few days going up to the bar after work, hoping to run into her. I didn't. I couldn't stop thinking about her, I barely knew her and yet I missed her. There were so many things about her that I wanted to know...and I had no way to get in touch with her. I would be sitting at my desk and see her face...remember her kiss...I felt like crap.
Two weeks later I was at work and having a really bad day. I turned around in my chair to say something to one of my co-workers and there she was, standing in the hall, leaning up against the banister looking right back at me. I didn't know what to do, why was she here? Where was her girlfriend? I wanted to get up and go talk to her but I was also scared. There was something about her that made me want to change my life and I didn't even know her.
I finally motioned for her to come in and asked her what she was doing. She told me she was looking for a course in welding....? Oh. After letting her know that we didn't offer welding she let me know that wasn't what she really wanted. I remember feeling so excited and scared that my stomach was turning. I walked her downstairs and agreed to meet her for a beer that evening. She told me that she wanted to apologize. I asked about her partner and wasn't sure what to say when she told me that her other half was out of town for the weekend.
That night the power went out all over New York, some transformer had caught fire...if only I had realized then how appropriate that was. We sat at the bar drinking beers and talking about the last time we had seen eachother and how we both felt about what had happened. We talked about ourselves, our past, and what we each hoped for the future. And then we went home together.
There is alot of story between that night and now. I did leave a few days later...only to come back a few days after I left. Kara and I are living together now, something I said I would never do again. But then there are alot of things I said I would never do which I have...and continue to do.
I am very much in love with her Don't get me wrong, we have experienced what could possibly be more than our fair share of problems. And there have been a couple times that one or both of us were ready to throw in the towel. But we are still in the process of getting to know one another and that's not always an easy process. We see things differently, almost everything actually, so I try to keep in mind that if we weren't different we would be dating ourselves.
I am hopeful that there is a strong future for us. I think if we can make it throught this next year we should be alright, only time will tell. But for right now, I am content with being able to feel her breath against my neck when I wake up in the middle of the night. She is an amazing woman and I know that my life has changed for the better because she is in it. I am thankful to her for that.....and so much more.