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Chapter 23
JW looked at his phone and it was almost noon, he called his parents to make sure they got into town ok. His dad confirmed they had been in town for an hour and met Marcus, his dad sounded tense and JW didn't want to talk about it now so he made up an excuse to get off the phone.
JW went back to cleaning the station and doing gopher work. JW was the rookie at his station, even though they had already been there over five years. JW wasn't miserable at work but the last few weeks have defiantly not been great, he just could never seem to get along the other eleven guys that were on his shift. Of course he was friendly with them but for the most part their conversations were held to JW being told what to do around the station by senior guys. To day was shaping up to be no different when JW walked around the corner and his Battalion Chief was standing there, even though this chief was technically stationed here, JW rarely saw him unless they were on scene.
JW walked past him and said hello and continued to work on the engine he was testing equipment on. JW remembered the text message from the other day and got goose bumps, his heart sank knowing that being labeled as gay would ruin his career and with this chief knowing JW's secrete was going no where quickly.
JW buried the thought and went back to work. A few minutes later he stepped out of the engine and the chief was still there. JW always kind of laughed when he saw him because he was a short, fat man with grey hair and a massive grey mustache, JW thought he looked exactly like a walrus wearing a fireman's white helmet.
The chief called out to JW in a low raspy voice, "Morning JW, when you're done with your checks come over to my office please." He paused, "We need to talk about a few things ok. Nothing serious though so relax."
JW looked to him blankly, "Yes, sir."
The Chief smiled, "On scene I am sir or Chief, here you know you can call me Jim right?"
JW nodded his head, "Yes sir."
JW watched him walk around the truck and herd his footsteps disappear. His hands were shaking; this was going to be an old school warning, he wont say anything but the point will be made that he is going no where. JW took far to long to finish and was hoping that his station would be toned out for a call. But the call never came and JW walked to the Chiefs door and saw his station Captain in with the Chief. JW panicked and thought to himself that if he had a gun he would walk behind the station and just shoot himself right now. His Captain absolutely hated him and was a hard nosed asshole.
JW knocked on the door and the chief waved him inside. "Take a seat and relax you look like your about to have a heart attack, we are just going to talk."
The Chief went on to explain that JW had absolutely nothing to worry about being gay. JW panicked and wondered if he should lie and say it's a horrible practical joke but decided against it because he would have sent out a text message that day saying it was a joke. JW soon realized he was having his yearly review, which was standard and was due.
The two senior men gave JW glowing reviews for his work ethic and abilities on any scene but the Captain had a problem and started to shed light to the fact that JW has been here a while and just is not bonding with the other men. He sat there blankly looking at the floor, he knew exactly what they were saying was true but the fact is that he just could not seem to get along with these guys. The Captain asked JW what he thought was wrong and JW could not answer, the best he could do was blame him self.
The Chief and Captain looked at each other, JW knew they didn't like that answer but he did not want to answer any more questions, he just wanted to run out of the office. They continued to ask JW work related questions and he was not giving them the answer they were searching for.
The Chief leaned back in his chair, "Well I am not suppose to ask these questions but I am going to any ways. How is your personal life JW?"
JW almost laughed out loud, he put his head in his hands and ran his hands through his hair, "Well sir it's just as complicated as anyone else I guess." JW desperately hoped that he would not have to explain Marcus. Again the Chief and Captain looked at each other with stoic looks. The Chief folded his arms across his chest and looked at JW, his mustache looked like it was twitching.
JW knew that he was the one that had to say it; he sighed and looked up at the two men, "Sir, can I ask a question?"
The chief nodded his head and JW took a deep breath, "Are you trying to get me to say I am gay? I don't want to say anything because I don't want to loose my job, I actually really do like it a lot. I am dealing with a lot of personal stuff, my ex-wife is slowly bleeding me to death," JW paused and looked up at his two superiors, "Its just I do not want this to be an issue at all, I just want to work. I really love my job and I don't want to loose my job."
JW looked at the Captain and begged, "Please don't tell the other guys, its already hard enough here and I don't need them hating me or having any other reason to not trust me." The Chief and Captain nodded their heads. The silence was killing JW and he started to tap his foot on the floor nervously. The Chief and Captain were just staring at him.
The Chief finally shrugged and looked to the captain, "Well what do you think?"
The Captain just shook his head and looked to JW, "Well first off I doubt anyone here would care if you were gay. I personally think your one of the strongest people we have here on our team, you know your shit and you do your job way above standard. Honestly everyone here has no problem with you, you just give off I have a stick in my ass attitude. I don't think you even realize that you are alienating yourself here. Like the last shift, when the work was done here at the station, after everyone ate, you went back into the bays and started to read over a manual. You wanted to have absolutely nothing to do with any of the guys you work with. Everyone thinks you are just trying to be an over achiever."
JW sat there and shook his head, "You told me sir," JW stopped, corrected himself and looked worried, "I was told that if I had a question to look up the answer. Then if I still don't understand I can ask a more senior man."
The Captain looked at him confused, "So you never once decided to ask me or anyone else a simple question? You just decided to look it up yourself every time?"
JW shrugged, "Just doing what I was told."
The Captain just shook his head, "Well that is the issue here. You're a great firefighter and it would take five years to find another good hand like you. But you wont even ask anyone for help, that's a major problem in this line of work."
JW interrupted him, "But you and everyone else can't stand me right?" JW sighed heavily. The Captain's face shot flush with anger and JW saw his fist clench, JW quickly apologized, "I am sorry but I just feel like a rat trapped in a corner here and you two have hammers right now. What do I need to do? I don't want to get fired. I willÉ"
The Chief interrupted JW, "Hold on now god damn it. Just take a breather the two of you."
The Chief paused and looked at them, the mustache had a calming effect on people, JW smiled at the thought. The Chief started again, "JW you are not in trouble you realize that right? You will never have a issue with this in this station. The fact is you're a great asset to this department. The problem is that you have the personality of a rock."
JW looked up to him and furrowed his eyebrows, the Chief continued, "JW no one at the station dislikes you, no one hates you, but no one knows you. So this is what I think should happen."
Then Chief and looked over the Captain, "It's a little unorthodox but I want you actually get to know these guys. Let me give you an example, how many kids does Mack have?"
JW shook his head, "I have no idea?"
The Chief laughed, "That's impossible, that's all he does is talk about his kids. That is what we are talking about."
The Captain coolly explained, "JW you are now required to learn one fact about your fellow firefighters each shift. You are also required to never look up an answer again until further notice, you must ask someone."
JW understood but still was concerned, "That is fine and I promise I will do this, but I have one major issue still."
The two of them said together, "What is it?"
JW fidgeted his hands, "Well I really don't want the other guys to know that I am gay, can you promise they will not find out, my life would be shit here if they found out."
The Captain just shook his head, "JW today is a freebee, I will be the first person you get to know today. I want you to ask me if I am gay." JW's head shot up and looked at the Captain and then to the Chief who was smiling like a idiot.
JW shook his head, "No way!" A smile crawled across his face, "Are you gay?"
The Captain's face softened, "Yes I am gay and if you would get your head out of your ass you will find out that you will do just fine here. By the way stop calling me Captain because that shit is getting old, call me Shane when we are not on scene."
JW wanted to jump into the air, slap his hands together and threw his hand up into the air; but he managed to keep his composure even though for the first time he understood why gay men hugged when they would meet. The Chief and Captain finished talking to JW and it was as if a hundred ton weight was lifted off JW's shoulders.
Shane took JW up stairs into the TV room where the other ten firefighters were lounging around, the captain turned on the lights in the room and said to turn off the TV he has an announcement, everyone turned to face him, "I would like everyone to know that we have finally found out what the fuck is going on with JW."
Someone in the background said laughing, "Is he a serial killer?"
JW hung his head at the comment and Shane shot back, "Benson you fucking idiot he is standing right here." Shane told JW to stand there next to him, as he entered the room he felt everyone glare at him.
Shane continued, "Everyone here knows that I am gay, well so is JW."
There was a collective "Oh," and JW watched everyone carefully.
Benson called out, "So does this mean we have to work around the station again? Because he was doing a great job for the last five years!"
Shane laughed, "You have not done shit here for the last ten years so what does that matter?" Shane pointed to an open chair and told JW to go sit in it. JW really didn't want to but he forced himself to sit down nervously.
Over the next few hours the questions hit JW like waves, he was embarrassed that he never actually knew the men he worked with. Suddenly the tones went off the station went into fire mode. The rest of the shift was busy with none serious calls till 2am. By that time most everyone was asleep upstairs but JW talked with the Shane and one of the engineers for several hours till their shift was over. JW climbed into his car and looked at his phone, he had ten new phone numbers and two invites to hang out after their shift.
JW started to drive home; he suddenly realized he never called his parents back to make sure everything was going ok. He drove straight home, listening to the radio and thinking about the last twenty-four hours, everything was changing so quickly that JW couldn't really comprehend everything going on. JW was only a few miles from Marcus house when his phone rang.
JW answered his phone, "Hey mom."
She replied, "When are you going to be home?"
JW's heart jumped, "I will be there in about twenty minutes." She asked how work was and JW said that it was really good. He talked on the phone with his mom until he was in the driveway.
************************************************************* Chapter 24
JW walked into the door and smelled coffee heavy in the air. He heard his parents laughing and Marcus talking. JW smiled and thought to himself, better than gunshots I guess? JW walked into the kitchen and could not believe what he saw, his parents sitting their eating breakfast and Marcus working his magic as usual. All three welcomed JW as he walked in and he walked over to hug his parents, as he turned Marcus grabbed him and hugged him.
JW panicked and looked at him with a serious look, Marcus winked at him and said, "Hungry?"
JW nodded his head and asked how everything was going?
His parents wouldn't stop talking over each other; they were being almost too honest. He could not believe the two people in front of him, were his parents. They never talked about actually having fun, or enjoying themselves and here they are blabbering about fun, it's the only thing they are doing. Marcus put a plate down in front of him, and JW stuffed the food into his mouth and listened to everyone talking around him. Marcus sat down next to him and started to eat as well.
JW's father looked at him, "You look tired son. You look great in your uniform."
JW shook his head and looked to his dad, "I am tired, this is not my uniform. Its a duty uniform and I can sleep when you guys leave. I need to know what you have to say?"
His dad leaned back and looked out the window to the lake, "Well to be honest when we were driving down I had to pull over a few times and throw up. It was hard to think about, but we managed and got here not really knowing what to expect."
JW's dad smiled, "I don't think any parent will say I am thrilled my son is gay." JW eyes darted to his plate and he slumped his head, his dad finished, "But Marcus did one hell of a job yesterday. He made us comfortable, and well you know what I have said about gay men before. He really opened my eyes up. But regardless I am still really disappointed in you." JW raised his hand to stop from crying. JW's dad stopped and looked at his son, he didn't know what to say?
JW's mom stepped in to try and make things better but she had an amazing ability to say exactly the wrong thing and have it comes out as an insult, she said quietly, "We are not disappointed in you, but we use to be so proud of you and now we are not so proud."
JW looked at his mother with a shocked face, she threw her hands over her mouth, his dad glared at her and Marcus dropped his fork on the plate and it bounced around, JW was now fighting to not cry.
JW stood up and walked away, "I think I am going to be sick, thanks for breakfast Marcus." He practically ran out of the kitchen.
Marcus looked at JW's parents, "God damn it what is wrong with you two? You should be ashamed of yourselves." Marcus stood up and walked out of the kitchen to the bedroom, he knocked on the door and pushed it open, "JW can I come in?"
Marcus walked into the room and saw JW standing at the glass wall looking at the lake. He walked up beside JW, "Why don't you get those clothes off and head to bed? I know your tired. They just woke up so, I am sure they are not fully awake yet."
JW turned to Marcus, "This is a complete fucking disaster and they just said they hate me now."
Marcus shook his head, "No they didn't. Look just take a nap, you know you need it."
JW was shaking now; he was trying really hard to not cry. Marcus reached up and unbuttoned his uniform shirt and then unbuckled his pants. Marcus smiled as he saw JW in his trunk underwear. Marcus pushed JW in to bed, kissed his cheek and as he was closing the door he heard JW finally start to sob. Marcus went back to the kitchen ready for war or a serious apology from JW's parents.
JW woke up, it was 1:30pm and he knew his parents would be waiting for him some where outside the bedroom. JW rolled over in bed and moaned, he really didn't want to get up. The light flooded the room and JW cursed the open curtains he wanted to close them but couldn't, he didn't know how to operate the Ipad. JW opened his eyes and there sitting on his dresser was three packages wrapped in gift paper, one large, one medium and one small.
Suddenly his phone rang loudly, he looked at the caller ID and threw his hands into the bed, and he really didn't want to talk to his ex-wife. JW answered the phone, "Hello?"
His ex-wife was screaming at him, he couldn't understand a word she was saying, "What? Slow down? What? I don't understand?"
The ex-wife was having a tantrum that he not seen since the night she told him they were getting a divorce. His ex finally slowed down, "You think you can file a restraining order against me? Well I will have you know that my lawyer is already fighting this you god damn faggot."
JW hung up the phone, that time it cut straight into his heart. The phone rang again, "Listen you wanted a war you finally got one. I just showed up late. I don't care about that divorce right now. My parents are in town and I know they want to see the kids. Can we do this or not?"
His ex hissed, "You file a restraining order against me and you think I will let you or your retarded parents see my kids? You have another thing coming."
JW interrupted his ex, "Listen, this is truly your last chance to be decent here. This willÉ"
She interrupted him, "John you can fuck off." She hung up the phone.
JW rolled back over and held a pillow over his head and screamed, "Holy fucking shit! Can this get any worse!"
JW felt a pressure on the bed and pulled the pillow off his head, "Yap just got worse."
His parents were in the room, his dad standing at the door way and his mom sitting at the foot of the bed, JW pulled the pillow over his head and moaned into the bed. JW felt his mom grab his ankle and say, "We herd you up and wanted to apologize for what we said."
JW left his head under the pillow and lifted his hand into the air, "Hold on please. Lets have this conversation out in the living room, I will be there in a minute."
JW's mom let go of his leg but didn't stand up, "Hank get in here and sit down." JW pulled the pillow off his head, "Mom what are you doing?"
She said, "We are having this conversation right now."
JW rolled his eyes, rolled over onto his back and sat up on his elbows, "Ok so you really want to do this?" He looked towards his dad who was not going to sit and moved to the glass wall looking outside at the lake.
Hank smoothly said, "Son we are just not sure what to make of all this. You gay? It just makes me really sick to my stomach and it is embarrassing to me. I have to tell people that my son is a fag now." JW looked at his mom who was tearing up and nodding her head in agreement.
JW sat up in bed, "Well am if I am such a disappointment then why don't you just leave and forget me. You don't have to worry about telling anyone I am gay, just tell them I am dead and I will never talk to you again. For fuck sakes hold a fake funeral too, that should sell it."
JW's dad turned to him angrily, "Why don't you stop being so self-centered and think of everyone around you for once, what about your kids? What are they going to think?" JW shot out of bed and walked across the room and put on a pair of shorts.
JW's walked to his father, "Think of other people? How can you say that? You would hardly acknowledge that I existed after I was molested, well until the day that I am proclaimed an embarrassment. Mom you turned blind eye to what happened and actually told people that I made up the story I was molested for attention. Then you just blurt things out that actually really hurt, oddly enough you only do that when I am around, no one else complains about it. If you two fucking hate me that much then just tell me and I will never contact you. And my goddamn kids, holy fuck do you even realize what Connie, my ex, is doing to me?"
JW looked at his father who was red hot and his mother who was crying. "Look at what I have left, my two parents who fucking hate me and these four drawers." JW walked over to them and jerked them open, "I have nothing else. My marriage was a complete disaster and I have to live with that. I never get to see my kids because of my ex-wife and you two just told me that I embarrass you! So please explain to me what the fuck I did?"
JW breathed heavily, "The one time I really needed parents and you not only did you both drop the ball you lost it, then forgot about it. For once in my life did something that was good for me, I did something that actually felt right and because of it I have to suffer the rest of my goddamn life because no one around me likes it. Ya I am being really self-centered here, with everyone else telling me how I fucked up their life, when it actually never affects them at all."
JW's father was looking down at the floor, "Are you done now?"
JW sat down on the floor and his back against the wall, his knees up to his chest, arms folded over his knees and head in his arms, "Yes sir, it's the last time I will ever speak of this."
Hank walked over to his feet, "You need to get up." JW held his chin to his chest and shook his head. Hank sighed, "Please stand up John?"
JW looked up to him, "Why?"
Hank stretched his hand down to him, "Please get up son." JW reached out and his father pulled him up and hugged him hard, Hank was actually crying. JW thought this was the first time he had made any physical contact with his dad in over twenty years.
Hank looked at him, "Son I am so proud of you and everything that you have done with your life. You as a son and man were never an embarrassment to us. Yes we fucked up when you were kid, you have no idea how much I relive that day over and over, wishing I would have done everything different and wishing that I actually did something. I failed you from then on, I know that and just didn't want to admit it. Your mother pushed me hard to do something but I never would. Its my fault not hers. But regardless time passed and you seemed to be fine, so yes it was put away but always loomed in the background. Yes your marriage was a disaster but if you don't mind me saying, Connie was a lunatic and we secretly talked frequently about how big of a bitch she was. We could tell she was eating you alive but it was not our place to say anything."
JW crying started to laugh, "She really is a horrible person."
For the next few hours JW and his parents sat in the living room talking. The conversation was emotional at first but over time it turned into years of missed memories, lost appreciation and funny moments.
Marcus stayed in his office the whole time, it was impossible to do anything and listen to them finally bond. Marcus longed for his dead parents. What JW was experiencing was something Marcus envied.
Hank called out to Marcus, "Marc what are you doing, get in here."
Marcus poked his head out of his office, "Sorry Hank, do you need something?"
Hank shook his head, "No, just get out here."
Marcus walked into the living room, sat down next to JW, put his hand on JW's thigh and smiled, "Get things worked out a little I hope?"
JW's parents looked relieved and JW looked exhausted. Hank started to joke about how worried he was to meet Marcus and the fact that he really didn't want to talk to a stereotypical gay man. But when Marcus opened the door he could not believe what he saw and after fifteen minutes of talking to him, he knew that he liked Marcus.
Marcus turned to JW's mom, "And you Donna, what were you thinking?"
Donna just shrugged, "I was thinking of John the whole time."
Donna looked at JW the whole time they were talking and he could tell there was something going on, "Mom what's up? Just ask it."
She shook her head and after a few minutes of prodding her, she finally sighed, "Well I have two questions? The first one is can I even see my grand kids?"
JW looked at his dad and back to his mom, "I don't know honestly, I talked to Connie this morning and she said no."
JW's mom looked at him and said, "Well I guess it's for the better."
The room flew into frenzy, Marcus climbed on top of JW and Tim grabbed his wife and was scolding her.
It took several minutes for everyone to calm down and JW demanded that his mom explain what she intended. Donna cried, "I just don't know if its good to be raised by gay men?"
JW stood up and walked out, Marcus went to follow him but JW looked at him and said, "No!"
Marcus sat back down and listened to Tim start to really come down on his wife. Marcus sat there in silence for to long, he walked over to the mantle and grabbed his two photos and put them in Donnas' lap. Marcus explained that he has no clue who his father is, that he lived a few years with his mother and the hell that he went through.
Marcus showed her the parole rejection paper and then handed his photo of his parents to her, "My mother could care less about me, she abused me a lot and tried to kill me every day. It wasn't till I was removed from her love that I learned what love was and how true parents treat their kids. You have to realize that what Connie is doing is completely wrong, she does not give a shit about those kids and she is using them as leverage against JW. She is manipulating JW. He does everything she wants just so he can see his kids a few minutes a week. You sit there and have some preconceived notion of what parents should be and the fact is that the perfect parent is your son. You should not judge your sons love when you in fact made him what he is now."
Donna sat there listening to Marcus and it appeared to him that the light really did go off in her head. JW walked back inside and looked at his parents with anger. Marcus ran up to JW and explained to him what just happened, but it didn't matter.
JW just pushed past him and pointed, "Fuck me, fuck you and fuck them. This is absurd and I will not continue to go on like this. I am being forced into being the antagonist. I would leave but I have no where to go." JW walked into the second bedroom with no furniture, closed the door and sat up against the door.
JW sat on the floor for over an hour. He did not come out of the room until her herd laughing again in the living room, when he walked out his mother walked up to him and hugged him hard, "I never said you were a bad father."
JW looked down to her and rolled his eyes, "You know I can't really take much more of this shit today, any chance we can just have a good time today?"
As JW walked with his mom back to the couch she stopped him and whispered into his ear, "If it counts for anything I think you two make a good couple, its obvious you care for each other."
JW looked down at her, rolled his eyes and walked back to sit down next to Marcus. JW looked at Marcus and Marcus said, "What?" JW smiled and reached down and grabbed his hand and held it out in front of him, "You two need to accept this, because this is real." Tim raised his eyebrows and Donna just smiled.
Marcus asked Hank if he would like to take the boat out again? Hank understood what Marcus was trying to do. Hank invited Donna to go with him out on the lake. She objected several times but Hank finally got her to the side of the room and was able to explain what Marcus wanted. JW sat there on the couch looking at the ceiling as his parents walked down to the boat dock.
Marcus stood there watching them take the boat out on the water, JW looked to Marcus, "Relax he has used boats for years. It will be fine."
Marcus turned and laughed, "I could care less about the boat. I was thinking about your mom. She is not doing to well with all this today."
JW gave Marcus a faint look and Marcus walked over to him and sat down, "Babe your fine, you have me!"
They kissed and JW put his head on Marcus shoulder, "You have no clue how shitty of a two-day span I have had. What happened at work seems small compared to this."
Marcus looked down to JW and ran his hands through JW's hair, "Want to talk about it?" JW shook his head, "Maybe later." JW stared into the ceiling and then closed his eyes.