What's up? I've been bored out of my mind lately, but I've also been keeping busy. Right now I'm listening to Taking Back Sunday's "Miami". It's a pretty good song, I must admit. Anyways, it's back to the authoring for me, so here's Part Three of Memoirs of a Teenager!
Once again, this story is copyright of me (ddrarrow_reborn@yahoo.com) and I do not like it when people steal my stuff and claim it as their own. Additionally, this story is only to be displayed on the Nifty Erotic Stories Archive, even though there is no erotica in this story. (Pretty much.) Any violations of the above will result in me sending my (insert generic scary thing here) after you. So don't mess with me, got it? ^_^
Memoirs of a Teenager
Chapter Three: Thnks Fr Th Mmrs
'Nothing, from nowhere, I'm no one at all.
Radiate, recognize one silent call,
As we all form one darkflame...
Incinerate...'
Walking to my locker from eighth period English is no problem at all. I'm actually somewhat grateful that my locker is in the hallway in front of my English class, so it's really easy to just walk to my locker, grab whatever school-related materials I need, and then make it to the bus. It's always nice to have my iPod with me, since it helps me to zone out and get away from my constant loneliness. It's funny how I go to a school of over 1500, and yet it's like I don't have one real friend there.
I mean, there are people that I talk with, and there are people that I sit with at lunch, but they aren't real friends. They're friendly, but they're not real friends. You know what I mean, right? You can be talking with these people, and yet, you've got this nagging feeling that you're just not wanted or that those other people need to talk with their friends, not some kid who has no friends. I constantly see people talking with their friends about hanging out after school and going to parties and stuff, and it makes me wonder, "Why can't I have that? What makes me so different from them that they can have friends and I can't?"
I always thought that I had no friends since I always presumed that the cliques got even tighter in high school and that people only hung out with their friends from elementary or middle school. By the end of the first month of high school, I kind of resigned to the fact that I would never make any friends in high school, and that simply made me more introverted. I knew that I had to be strong on the inside, even if that meant rejecting everyone else. I decided that I would never drop my guard around another person ever again, especially after what happened with Josh...
==========
"Hey, David. What's up?"
"Nothin' much, man? What's up with you?"
"Meh. Well, I was thinking that we should hang out or something. Is it cool if I come over to your house or something?"
"Sure, dude."
"Alright then. I'll be over in about ten minutes, I just gotta ask my mom to bring me over."
"Okay. Oh, and don't forget to bring your bass, alright?"
"Sure, man. I almost forgot. Okay then. See ya."
"See ya."
I hung up the phone. I looked over at the calendar over on the wall to the right of my bed. Today was Saturday, December 10, 2005. I was totally psyched since my fourteenth birthday had just passed on Sunday and I got a kickass distortion pedal as a present from my parents. The sound it created was much better and it had that "crunch" that amp-based distortion just can't provide. I went over and picked up my metal blue Strat and flipped on the switch on my amp. I started to lightly play a few chords, then I stepped on the pedal and started to play some heavy chordal riffs, followed by another clean section. Then I heard the doorbell from downstairs. I quickly switched off my amp and put down my guitar, then I ran down to the door, opening it quickly so my guest wouldn't be waiting.
There he was. His curly brown hair and brown eyes seemed to match his somewhat tan skin. It was a slight shade of brown. His smile was really toothy, and it looked so cute to me. Deep inside, I sighed. Outside, I smiled.
"Hey Josh!" I said, a bit excitedly.
"Hey, David. Y'know, you don't have to yell in my ear. I'm not deaf or anything. My leg's just a bit messed up, that's all."
"Oh, heheh... Sorry." I said with a sheepish grin. I walked outside and thanked Josh's mom for bringing him over, and I helped Josh bring his bass and amp inside.
"So, how's your leg?" I asked.
"Pretty good, actually. The doctor says I can walk around to help rehabilitate my leg."
"Alrighty. Let's get up to my room and set up your stuff."
I brought Josh's bass and amp up to my room, and I set up his rig.
"I see you got a distortion pedal. Sweet."
"Yeah. I got it for my birthday."
"So, whaddaya wanna play?"
"Hmm... Dunno. Green Day? Fall Out Boy? Your choice, man."
"Hey, do you know "American Idiot"?"
"Yeah, I do. The song's alright, but it's waaaaaay too overplayed."
"Can you play it?"
"Yeah, I can."
"Alright, then. Let's get started."
Josh and I started playing, and I had to admit, it sounded pretty damn good. Josh had a few calluses on his fingers since he had only been playing bass for a month and a half or so, but he was really good. I saw a true bassist in him, and I was hoping that one day we could finally go touring. It would probably be my one escape from the imminent boredom of college.
I hit the solo section, and I practically nailed it, note for note. By the time we finished the song, an idea popped up in my head:
"Hey Josh... We sound pretty good... Maybe we should make a band or something... It'd be cool, y'know?"
"Hmm... Know that I think about it, maybe we should try. The only problem is that we have no drummer, no vocalist, no second guitarist, and no name."
"Well, you have a point. But remember that you told me that Hari plays guitar."
"Hey, you're right! We should totally get him to play with us!"
"Hm. Well, that just leaves the drummer and the name, then."
"Huh? Whaddaya mean? We can't really be that good unless we have some lyrics!"
"Heh. That's why I'm here!"
"Dude, shut up. You sound worse than William Hung!"
"Ouch, that's harsh. Both a racial and pop culture reference. That stings. But I might be the best singer out of all of us. Hari can't hold a note, and I don't think that we could have a drummer as a vocalist."
"And me?"
"Well, maybe we could both be the singers."
"Hmm... Maybe... But I wanna be frontman. I want our band to be called "Josh and the Joshettes" and I'll have girls clamoring over my sexy body." Josh accentuated the word "sexy" with some weird hair flick and breast rub thing, like he was having an orgasm in my room or something... If only, if only...
"Nope. That's just lame. We can't have a name like that. I mean, no offense to you, but it's too cheesy. Hmm... How about "Four Mile Run"?"
"Aw, come on! That's so unoriginal! Naming our band after some watershed?"
"But you've gotta admit, it does sound pretty cool."
"Hmm... You have a good point. People not from this area would think it's a great name. Okay then. Four Mile Run it is."
==========
That moment, I felt on top of the world. I was on my way to making a band with some of my best friends. I felt like nothing could stop me. Unfortunately, the closer I got with Josh band-wise, I harder it was to keep my secret inside of me. Every day felt like torture, and I knew I had to do something about it...
==========
"5!"
"4!"
"3!"
"2!"
"1!"
"Happy New Year's!!!"
It was now officially January 1, 2006. It was time for the new year, and with a new year, there comes New Year's resolutions... I felt inside like I was about to burst from all of the pressure I had built up over the weeks, months, and years, and I knew that what had to be done had to be done...
The day afterwards, January 2nd, I decided to hit up Josh on AIM:
"hey josh"
"oh hey david. whats up?"
"nm, i guess..."
"i guess? what does that mean?"
"uh... its nothing. really."
"really now? cuz i have psychic powers. and i can sense that somethings on ur mind, man. now seriously, tell me, whats up?"
"its nothing alright. nothing at all."
"cmon man. weve been friends for a long time now, so i think you can tell me anything, right?"
"are you sure?"
"ha, so youve admitted it. there IS something on your mind."
"but, i mean... this is kinda serious... are you gonna be okay with whatever i tell you?"
"dead serious. id never ditch you or anything, you know that, right?"
My heart was racing. This was do or die time, and I had to do or I would die, or so says the saying.
"sigh... alright, i guess... this is really tough for me to say, but... josh, i think im gay."
"what? hahah... thats really funny, man. you had me scared there for a moment. i actually thought you were a faggot, man!"
"uh... josh, i wasnt kidding. in fact, im pretty damn sure that im gay."
"...youre not joking around are you?"
"no im not... and for some reason, i dont think youre cool with this."
"...i gotta go. ill see you tomorrow."
"...fine. were gonna talk then."
I signed off and went to sleep. I had no idea what the hell I just let loose, but I knew that it was definitely gonna be problematic. I almost felt like puking, since I knew what I had done.
I had lost one of my closest and best friends.
Monday rolled around, and the sound of my alarm was actually rather welcoming for a change. Last night, I had the worst nightmare where all of my friends, including Josh and Brandan, had all turned their backs on me and had left me to die. I felt so cold and lonely in that dream that I was almost suicidal. I just wanted to die and get my miserable life done and over with. When the alarm rang, I was finally granted a reprieve from my hellish nightmare world.
"Oh man... What the hell was that...? Well, I'd better take a shower or something..."
It was pretty damn cold outside, so I grabbed a jacket before I closed the door. I walked to my bus stop and waited for my bus to arrive. Once it got there, I went to the back and saw a pile of orange in one of the seats. I decided to have a little fun and sat on it.
"Oof! Hey, get off of me! Ughhhh..."
Brandan's almost neon orange jacket seemed kinda funny on him. You would be able to see it, even in the middle of a blizzard.
"You fat bastard! Get off of me, I say!"
"Alright, fine then..."
I took a seat across from his.
"Now you've woken me up. If I fail any of my classes, I'm gonna blame it on you!"
"As always, as always... So, ready for another fun-filled day of education???"
"Gah. Never!"
"Yeah, me too. I really don't wanna be here right now. Bed equals good. School equals BAD."
"Mmmhmm. Agreed. Well, looks like prison awaits us." We had arrived at school.
We stepped off of the bus and proceeded to the gym, where all of the kids waited before school. I still have no idea why they wouldn't let us go to our lockers, but I guess it will remain a mystery forever unsolved. I looked over to my right, and I saw Josh walking towards me.
"Um... Hi, Josh..."
"Hey, David."
"Uhm... About yesterday..."
"No. No more. Sorry, dude, but we're done. Friends, band, everything. I just don't hang around faggots. You know what? I betcha you had some sort of sick homo crush on me or something. I've heard that when a fag comes out of the closet, the first person he tells is his secret crush! I guess in your case, that person was me. You know what? You can just stay away from me. I don't give a fucking care about you anymore, you know that? Stay the fuck away from me, you fucking faggot."
I was crushed. Absolutely crushed. For some reason, I suddenly felt drained of energy, like I was about to fall into a coma or something. I felt drained of energy. Drained of hope. Drained of a will to live. If one of my best friends wouldn't accept me, then who would? I came to the sudden realization that the world was a very dark and cruel place. Nobody is your friend, and everyone is out to take your life away from you. If you let your guard down again, then worse things will happen. People will beat you up. People will make fun of you. People will want to harm you and kill you. Never allow anyone to be so close to you again. The worst kind of pain is the pain of loss, of something close to you. To prevent this pain and suffering is to separate yourself from everything and everyone. To become invincible is to become apathetic. My entire philosophy had changed in an instant. I was no longer the David Hernandez that everyone had known before. I was changed, different. I would never be the same.
==========
I looked around, and everywhere I looked, I saw people talking with each other. They were happy, content with life. What is it that I need to get what they have? Why is it that I was fated to be so alone, with nobody to say "Hi" to me or nobody to talk to.
I stepped on the bus home, reflecting on my past. What had I done wrong? Hah, that was the easiest question I knew how to answer. I came out. I came out from the closet and got burned by the light. It was obvious.
I took a seat and stared out of the window. With my iPod in hand, I began to drown myself in my tunes in an effort to get away from the sadness of my past, the direness of the present, and the bleakness of my future.
'Whoa... Whoa... Whoa-oh, my eyes...
Whoa... Whoa... Close into me...
Don't you try to take me down.
Don't you try to take over.
Won't you try to break me?
The complexity is moving in,
And I feel that I do not have the strength.
Tragedy is breaking me solemnly;
It's affecting my will.
But wait, now that I've found you,
Situations from dark now change to gray.
Disregarding my absence of memories,
It's perpetually blinding me of sanity.
And just when I'm getting in,
As I try to scale these walls,
Jericho falls around me,
And I feel that I've strayed too long.
And darkness is fading in...
And darkness is real.'
==========
"Um, Brandan?"
"Yeah, what's up David?"
"Can I talk with you, in private?"
"Uh, sure... Let's go outside."
Brandan and I got up from out lunch table and started to walk outside. Brad and a few of the others looked up at us briefly, but Josh didn't even take notice. Although we sat at the same lunch table, Josh couldn't have been further away. But still, it was strange... Why was he holding back on telling the whole world what a faggot I was? There must have been some reason he hadn't already told the world what a freak I was... Oh well.
"So, what's up, man?"
"Uhm... Nothing much... I was just wondering... What do you think of gay people?" I asked.
Dammit! Stupidest-sounding question EVER!!! Gah... What the hell was I thinking!? That was so obvious! And dumb! Ugh!
"You know what?" I started. "Nevermind. It was a dumb question. Sorry, I have to go. See ya."
I left without waiting for a reply.
"Wait! David!" Brandan said. I didn't know what the hell I was thinking. Brandan might have been my best friend, but he was also one of the more conservative people I knew. After I had asked him that question, I had realized that I had outted myself to my best friend, but that wouldn't matter, since he would reject me just like all of my other "friends". Fuck, I needed to get away from all of this.
==========
'Whoa... Whoa... Whoa-oh, my eyes...
Whoa... Whoa... Close into me.
I try...
Fate, seems to recreate...
I just, cannot, escape.
Something holds me down and makes me act a way I can't explain.
Even now I can feel it coming over me, choking me;
As I'm falling behind.
You can say you know me,
But you have no clue what my dreams can show you.
And darkness is fading in...
And darkness is real.'
Maybe I was just fated not to have any friends... I've never really had a really close friend, except for two people: Brandan and Brian. Brian and I have been friends ever since we were little kids, and our friendship has lasted even though we don't live in the same city. Brandan and I have been friends ever since middle school, and it was almost like we had this instant connection. We were both kinda lonely, and a lot of people seemed to hate us, so I guess that we drew upon each other for strength. I still don't understand why I ever doubted our friendship for a second.
==========
I avoided Brandan for the rest of the school day. I even tried to avoid him on the bus, worried that he might cuss me out or something. I just sort of shrank and hoped that nobody would notice me. I tried to become as invisible as possible. I just tried as hard as I could to float away to my own little world, erect a bubble around me so that I wouldn't have to face reality.
When I saw a flash of orange next to me, I began to fear the worst. I prepared myself for what was about to come.
"Hey David. What's up?"
What? What happened to all of the shouting and bitching me out about being a faggot? What's going on?
"Hello? Are you there???"
After a bit, I finally decided to speak.
"Oh. Um... Hey."
"Look. About earlier today..."
"No. Don't worry about it. It didn't mean anything. It was ju-"
"No. Look, I don't care. I really don't. We've been best friends ever since sixth grade, why would I abandon you now?"
"Wha? Wh-what do you mean?"
"Okay. I figured it out as soon as you asked me that question. I don't give a shit about that. I don't care if you're gay or not. We're still friends. Always have been, always will be."
"Um... Are you serious?"
"Yes I am. Why do you seem so... Timid all of a sudden? This isn't the David Hernandez I knew just last Friday. Something else happened, and I can tell."
"What are you talking about?"
"You just seem... Different than usual. Like something's seriously wrong..."
"sigh... Maybe I can tell you... I came out to Josh yesterday."
"Josh?"
"Yeah. I really thought I could trust him. I really did. Then he walked up to me today before school and started cussing me out about me being some stupid fucking faggot!"
I put a certain amount of emphasis on the word "faggot" and I almost started to break down.
"What? Josh... tch... I never liked him. He was an asshole. Honestly dude, don't let this get too deep into you. Forget him. At least you know who your real friends are now."
"But... Now that he knows... He's going to tell everyone! I'm gonna become "the faggot" in everyone else's eyes. I'm such a fucking idiot! Gah! What the hell was I thinking!? Just a fucking, fucking idiot!"
"Dude, chill! So what if he does? Then at least your true friends and enemies will finally show themselves! If people don't like you for who you are, then fuck them! They can all fuck themselves for all I care!"
I looked up, a bit stunned.
"You... You really mean that?"
"Yeah. I'll always be here for you, man. You fall, and I'll pick you back up. And I know that you'll do the same for me. That's what friends do for each other. Real friends."
==========
I'll never remember that incident. When Brandan said those words, I was so happy, in a way I couldn't explain. It was like he was the one rope that kept me from sinking into suicide. But still, the depression was overwhelming, and nothing could ever have gotten me out from that tar pit of sorrow.
'Whoa... Whoa... Whoa-oh, my eyes...
Whoa... Whoa... Close into me...
I try.
I;
Can't;
Can't win;
Tell me what you see.
I feel something, deep inside me,
I feel deep inside...
Well I feel something, deep inside me,
And I can't let this go.
Well I feel something, deep inside me,
And I can't let this go.
Lie, as I try to steer clear,
And I try to stay sober,
This is taking me over.
And my dreams complicate it...
I just cannot let this go.
I tried so many times to tell you.
I just, I cannot let this go.
I just, cannot, win.'
Sad, maybe I really can't win in this sick, twisted game of life. What constitutes "winning", anyway? Is it becoming rich and successful? Is "winning" about getting married and settling down with two or three children? Is it about becoming famous and loved by everyone? Is it about helping other human beings in need of water and food? It doesn't matter. In any "winning" situation, I am always the "loser". Every time, every round of play, every scenario, I am the loser. The universal "loser".
What if I hadn't come out? If I had just stayed in my closet, I wouldn't have to deal with the harsh reality that I was experiencing now. I would be in a fake "reality", but at least I would have been happy. That shit about being yourself, it's all just a bunch of fortune cookie bullshit.
'I see you...
I see you, you...
Falling away...
I see you, you...
You...
Killing me softly...
I see you, you...
Falling away...
I see you, you...
You...
Don't take, what's in front of me.
Open eyes can see, I have everything.
Tell you don't take, what's in front of me.
Tell you don't take, what in me.
Lie, which one lied?
When I feel this come away...
Way, oh...
That's why I try, lie.'
I suddenly felt a halting motion. The bus had stopped. I guess it was time for me to get off and go home. I looked around again, and once again I saw people talking with each other. What was I missing? I knew that if I kept asking myself that question, if I dwelled too long on one thing, then it would consume me entirely.
==========
I was crying. I was crying a lot. My pillow was soaked with tears as I sobbed. Enough was enough. I simply couldn't take it anymore. The gaping hole where Josh once was was bad enough, but there were even more holes where past "friends" once were. Brad was gone, and so was Will... Even Henry and Chris... They all abandoned me. All of them. And those strangers who I never knew that suddenly decided to make my life hell, they burned even more holes into me. I was full of holes where past experiences and friends once were. I was full of holes where happiness and joy once resided. I was nothing more than a shell of some stupid brat named "David Hernandez" who was stupid enough to try and come out of the closet, only to be shot down and rejected by the rest of the world. That was my new identity. I was hollowed out. Like an egg without any yolk or albumen, I was useless. An eggshell has no culinary value, and I had no social value. I was the newest victim of Darwin's "natural selection". "Survival of the fittest", he said, and I was no longer fit to live. Darwin, you cruel bastard, why did your theories have to be so true? Why?
After a while, I finally looked over to my side and gazed at the grid of numbers and letters on the wall. "April 7, 2006", it said. Today was April 7th. Only thirteen days left, I thought to myself. Once Spring Break ends on the 17th, I would finally be back at school. As long as I'm in school, if I'm not home when my parents get home, they will simply think that I've gone off to do some extracurricular activities. On Thursday, the 20th, I would finally make my way to Josh's house. I knew that Josh did some after-school thing every Thursday, and it would be the perfect time to navigate my way to his house. He would have a surprise waiting for him; the front of his house painted in my blood, and as a garnish to this twisted, depressing dish, my cold, lifeless body on his front step. A fitting end, to end my life and to show what shocking power a human being can have over another.
==========
What the hell was wrong with me back then? Shit, I must've been really fucked up back then. I'm still as depressed as I was back then, but I'm not suicidal at all. I guess I've come to accept the fact that nothing good is going to come for me...
I do not live. I am as hollow as I was last year. However, I've become tough. I do not "live", but rather, I exist. "Existence" is simply physically and mentally being alive. "Living" is emotionally being alive. I have no emotions other than sadness. I may experience pangs of "happiness" or "joy" but I know better than to accept them into myself, knowing that they will be taken away before I can use them to give myself joy. I am a shell, a dark void, an empty abyss.
'Whoa... Whoa... Whoa-oh...
Whoa... Whoa... Whoa-oh...
Whoa... Whoa... Whoa-oh...
Whoa... Whoa... Whoa-oh...
I see you, coming my way.
Dreams may fall, more everyday.
But I see you, looking my way.
And I've tried, just to separate, dreams from reality,
Just to satisfy this wanting.
Try to stay righteous, try to stay sober,
But then, I, can't, win.
And I know you...
And I know you...
And I know you...
Lie.'
Insert, turn, take out, and open. I walked up the stairs to my room and put my stuff on the floor by my bed. I kicked off my shoes and jumped into my bed. I suddenly began to release all of the horrible memories of my past. They all flooded from my mind; each somewhat repressed memory brought back feelings of pain and anger, but I knew that with each release, my emotional state was recovering. With each sob, each tear, I was getting better. As the memories flooded from my mind, I began to feel... "Pure", in a sense. I felt no longer plagued by my past, and then I knew that all I had left was the present to worry about.
One down, two more to go. The exodus of my past had left me emotionally weak, and I began to collapse. Slowly, but surely, I sank into my bed and slept. The present and the future were left for me to fight.
Amazing what a single day of school can do to you, huh?
And he said, on the seventh day, thine fingers shall rest. Or something like that. Actually, this part only took me a couple of days. I know that this part is a bit depressing, but this is what David's life is like. (Or at least how I've envisioned it.) I promise that the next part is gonna be not so depressing, alright? Any comments/questions/suggestions/even a few flames (if they're not so nasty) can be sent to (ddrarrow_reborn@yahoo.com).