Eric ended up staying the night. It was wonderful having someone in my bed again. We both held each other until we drifted off to sleep. I wanted to stay awake so I could lie there and look at him, but all the excitement wore me out. I was still recovering from the gunshot and wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I wanted to have sex with Eric, but he argued that we needed to wait because of my condition. I hate it when he's so rational. I was horny, but he was probably right.
The next morning, I awoke before he did, and I was able to watch him sleep. I knew that we had taken a big step, but that the relationship had a ways to go yet. The same question kept recycling in my brain. Do I say it again, that I love him? It seemed early in our time together, but it was how I felt. I didn't want to push too fast. This was not a time to be impatient. I resolved to go more slowly. Eric began to move and finally his eyes opened, looking straight at me. He gave me a goofy grin, and I almost lost my resolve to go slowly.
"How long have you been awake?"
"Only a little while. I was enjoying the view."
"Yea, right. Me, first thing in the morning, what a sight."
"I can't imagine a better sight to wake up to."
He actually started to blush.
"Being a public speaker, you know you shouldn't end your sentences with a preposition."
"I didn't realize I'd be graded on my grammar this early in the morning."
"Once a teacher, always a teacher."
"I know some things I wish you'd teach me."
"For a Renaissance man, you sure have a one-track mind."
I worked my hands between his legs.
"And I know the engine I want to run down that track."
I gave him a squeeze and he was quickly responding.
"Oh no you don't. You are still recovering from major surgery. This engine is going to stay in the station."
"Can't I at least blow the whistle?"
"No. You cannot blow the whistle. Now get your ass out of bead and into that shower while I make breakfast."
"The doctor won't let me take showers, only sponge baths," I pouted. "You could help me."
"Who's helped you every other morning?
I must have had a guilty look on my face.
""Just what I thought. Shame on you for trying to trick me into taking pity on you. I'm going to the kitchen, and you get in gear."
Since that hadn't worked, I got up and went through my new morning routine. It would have been more fun with help. The aroma from the other room told me there would at least be a consolation prize. I usually never bothered to make breakfast, and it smelled fantastic. Even without the sex, this was the kind of morning that gave new meaning to the concept of a new day. It was Saturday, so Eric didn't have to hurry. I silently wished he didn't have to leave at all, but I didn't dare suggest it. Not yet.
Shortly after Eric left, Loren stopped by to check on me. At that moment, I was kind of glad Eric wasn't there. Loren would have teased us unmercifully, and I wasn't sure Eric was up to that.
"Detective O'Neal came by the office Friday. They apprehended Bob Carlisle."
Loren could see the dazed expression on my face.
"Bob Carlisle was the man who shot you. Didn't I tell you that?"
"Maybe you did. I don't remember it, though."
"When they found him, he had locked himself in his shed. I guess he started singing like a canary. Larry - I mean Detective O'Neal said he made a full confession. He bets the case doesn't even go to trial. He expects him to plead it out, since he's not denying it."
"Larry?"
"Yes, Larry is his first name," Loren replied defensively.
"And you know that because?"
"Because I am an efficient secretary, and I make it my business to know those details."
"Loren?"
"If you must know, he took me out to dinner."
"He what?"
"He took me out to dinner so we could discuss the case."
"What else did you discuss?"
"What is this, twenty questions?"
"I haven't asked more than five."
"Detective O'Neal is a very nice man. He looks me straight in the eye, and I like that."
"So are you two going to continue working on the case together?"
"You're up to six questions and pushing your luck."
With that, Loren stormed into the kitchen and began slinging pots and pans.
I followed to make sure I hadn't actually gone too far. Loren was checking out the leftovers from this morning. Oops.
"So you had company for breakfast. How nice of Eric to cook you two meals."
Drat. I'd been caught and now the tables were turned. I decided an aggressive defensive was in order.
"Yes he did. It was very nice. I don't often fix myself anything in the morning."
"Perhaps you worked up more of an appetite than usual. "
Time for a change of strategy.
"How are things set for Sunday morning?"
Loren gave me a suspicious stare, but went on anyway.
"The guest preacher has been contacted and several of us are going to be around if anything else is needed. Through all this, we may discover you're not indispensable."
"I've told you that all along."
We proceeded to talk about the details for the next day and the next week. Loren, of course, had everything under control. The doctor wanted me to stay out of the office for three weeks. That was never going to happen, but I was going to take it as easy as possible. Being more active did cause more pain. If Eric had given in, I probably would be miserable right now. It was a chance I would have been willing to take, however.
Loren had only been gone a short while. I was a surprised to receive a call from Detective O'Neal asking to come talk to me. He arrived about twenty minutes later.
"Come in, Detective O'Neal."
"Thank you for seeing me."
"Loren tells me you caught the shooter."
"Yes, with Loren's help, we were able to track him down fairly easily. He's made a confession and the prosecutor is talking to him about a plea bargain. I suspect the case won't even go to trial."
"It wouldn't bother me not to have to testify. Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?"
"I did want to tell you where things were with the investigation, but that's not the real reason I asked to speak to you."
The rugged detective all of the sudden looked quite timid. He had looked at his shoes for so long, I had to check to see if maybe he had worn an unmatched pair.
"I wanted to talk to you about Loren."
I decided not to tell him that Loren had already let it slip that there was something going on between them. Better to let him tell his story at his own speed. I just nodded and tried to look ready to listen.
"We went out to dinner the other night. I said I wanted to talk about the case. We didn't talk much about the case, so I imagine Loren figured out that I had other motives. After dinner, I said I would like to do that again."
"What did Loren say?"
"Loren said that would be great."
"So what's the question, Detective?"
"Don't you think it's a little odd, I mean, Loren and I are not exactly the ordinary date?"
"Detective-"
"Please call me Larry. Were not talking about police business anymore."
"OK, Larry. First of all, what I think shouldn't matter. What's important is what the two of you think. Second, it is not uncommon for opposites, or at least different personalities, to be attracted to each other."
"Yea, but the cop and the cross-dresser?"
"You already know I think the world of Loren. And I was impressed with you from the start when you visited me in intensive care. My opinion has only gone up with your willingness to talk about something that is potentially embarrassing."
"I admit, when I asked Loren out, I worried about what other people, especially the guys on the force, would say. But now, that doesn't seem to matter as much."
"So what is the problem, Larry?"
"Can two people with such different backgrounds and lifestyles really hope to form a relationship. I'm not one to date around much. I decide what I want and go after it."
"Is Loren what you want?"
"I know we've only had one date, but I think so."
"What do YOU believe your next move should be?"
"Since I made our first meeting under false pretenses, I think I should ask for an outright date."
"I can't see anything wrong with that plan."
"Do you think Loren will go out with me?"
"Only Loren can answer that, but I'd bet your chances are good. Are you worried about rejection?"
"No. I'm more worried about making a fool out of myself and embarrassing Loren."
"We are all fools when it comes to affairs of the heart. And I wouldn't worry about Loren. On some level, we all appreciate someone being interested in us."
"I know you're not a fortune teller, but do you think the two of us stand a chance?"
"Love can overcome some amazing obstacles. All else considered, I bet on love."
"Thank you, Rev. Williams."
"Please, call me Steve. If this goes the way I think it will, we may be seeing a lot of each other."
"Thanks, Steve. I haven't been to church in years, but I might come to Metropolitan."
"Especially if Loren is there."
"Maybe you should be the detective."
We said our goodbyes and Detective O'Neal, Larry, left. The new twosome, if it worked out, would turn some heads. I was happy for Loren, though. There hadn't been a love interest, at least not since I had been around. Loren deserved some happiness. It was also comforting to know that the shooter was in jail. I hadn't thought much about whether he might make a second attempt. Eventually, people would be watching for my reaction to the arrest. It was time to test if I believed in the principles I professed.
The doctor had finally sprung me from my condo prison. Eric and I were in his Saturn. It felt good to be outside. He was still concerned about my health, but I had convinced him that I could sit through a movie. I even talked him into taking me to his house afterwards. As we pulled into the driveway, I realized it was only my second opportunity to be in his home. So much had transpired in the interim. I alreadyloved his house. He had put so much of himself into the remodeling, that the house was like an extension of him. I felt at ease here. There was another feeling as well, but I didn't dare put it into words. Eric noticed that I was looking around with that spaced out expression on my face.
"Like what you see? You have seen it before, you know," as he grinned at me.
"I know. You did such a great job with this place. Do you have any `before' pictures?"
"Yes, I do. Do you want to see them?"
"Yes, I would. I'm thinking about contacting HGTV for one of those `Before and After' shows. What you have done here is remarkable."
"You can see the pictures but no one's contacting HGTV."
"You are too modest. Was this a once-in-a-lifetime adventure or can you see yourself doing it again with another house?"
"Never again. Not a chance. I hope I move out of here into a casket."
That answered that unasked question. What was to be decided though, was did he want someone to live here with him? I not only felt comfortable in Eric's house, I felt comfortable anytime I was around him. I was definitely hooked, that was for sure. He poured us a couple of glasses of wine, and we settled in together on the leather sofa in the family room. The big glass windows were like a movie screen showing a beautiful late spring garden.
"When do you find time for all the yard work?"
"I originally put in a lot of shrubs and perennials. That way I don't have to do much planting in the spring if there isn't time. I must confess, it is nicer having someone to share it with me."
"Eric, I keep telling myself to slow down, not push so hard. But when I'm here with you, like this, I feel like I could spend the rest of my life doing this."
"I feel the same way, Steve. It scares me a little for it to be happening so fast. I don't exactly have a good track record when it comes to relationships. Something I suppose we should talk about."
"A real lifelong lasting love takes time to develop. But I do believe we have the start of something good. And personally, I want it to have the chance to get even better."
"Steve, I have basically been in two long-term relationships. The first was Brian. We met in college. He was an art major and he fit every stereotype that brings to mind. He was very emotional, even erratic you could say. Life had to be lived to the fullest for Brian. It seemed as if there was nothing he didn't want to try. At first, I tried to keep up with him, until I learned that living life to the fullest meant he never passed up a chance of having sex with someone new. He was astounded when I told him I wanted us to be monogamous. We went our separate ways without animosity, but I never heard from him again."
I took hold of Eric's hand, as the emotion of this story was still evident in his face. He smiled a bittersweet smile and continued.
"Then there was Paul."
The words almost caught in his throat. This was going to be harder than the first.
"Eric, you don't have to tell me. What's in the past can stay in the past as far as I am concerned."
"No. I need to tell you this. I think it's important. It also has to do with why I was reluctant to date a minister."
I looked him in the eye and tried to be as reassuring as I could. I hoped I was communicating acceptance.
"Paul was a very unique individual. He was strikingly handsome. I was so excited that someone like him would be interested in me. I was now teaching and living the life of a young gay professional. Paul was a salesman. He certainly had the charm for it. He moved right in. I was living in an apartment at the time. From the beginning it was clear that Paul was going to be in charge. I didn't mind him dictating what we did our how we made love. I felt fortunate that someone like Paul even wanted to have sex with me. Then he started getting rougher."
Eric was definitely struggling with this part of the story. I thought I could see where this was going. I was tempted to jump to the end to save him the pain of telling it, but decided it was probably important for him to say it out loud. I continued to hold his hand with one of mine, and rubbed his thigh with the other. I had enough experience listening to people relate difficult stories to understand he had to go at his speed. I didn't fill the silence, but waited.
"The kinkiness of it was kind of exhilarating at first. Then he started to really hurt me. He got off on giving me pain. My sister knew something was wrong, but I was too embarrassed to tell her what was happening. One night, he knocked me around so hard I passed out cold. When I came to, he wasn't there and I hurt like hell. I called Carol and she took me to the emergency room. Besides a lot of bruises, I had two broken ribs. Carol wanted me to call the police. I was too ashamed of myself to want anybody else to know. Paul came back the next day and apologized. He said he didn't mean to get that rough. When I passed out, he got scared and ran. Thank God I had the strength to tell him to fuck off."
He looked up at me with uncertainty in his eyes. I wasn't sure whether he was worried about his swearing or asking the bigger question of what I thought of his story.
"Oh Eric. We all make mistakes in judgment. I'm glad you were able to get out when you did. Many people get trapped in relationships like that. I admire your standing up for yourself."
"I feel like I let him walk all over me."
"How long did you know he was actually sick?"
"I guess I figured it out that night."
"And once you figured it out, you put an end to it."
"It sounds better when you put it like that. It didn't feel like that at the time"
"Then I'm even more glad I'm here. One of the advantages of talking with other people is that we gain a perspective we can't always have by ourselves. I hear your story and see the same strength of character I saw when you stood up to the school board."
"You are the one who took them to task."
"But you could have caved at the first sign of trouble. You made them go public with their intentions. Don't underestimate the signal that sent them."
Eric then began to let the emotions of his revelations out, as his eyes grew moist. I took him in my arms and held him. I held on to him for all I was worth. I knew the amount of trust it took to tell me these things. I only hoped that we could build on that trust. I did have a question, but I was reluctant to ask. I wanted him to be ready to tell me when he was ready.
"My relationship with Paul is probably one of the things in my life about which I am the most ashamed. I guess you'd have to say I still don't feel too good about myself because of it. I suppose that's why I have held back when it comes to relationships."
"Is that why you were unsure about seeing a minister?"
"Well," he paused. "I can't believe I'm telling you this."
"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to or before you are ready."
"The amazing thing is that I do feel that I can trust you."
"That's good."
"What worries me is whether you will still like me after I tell you."
I had been in awkward situations with people like this before, but never with someone with whom I wanted to be romantically involved. Instead of making promises about the unknown, I tried to look as positive as I could, and wait.
"One fact about myself that I learned in the mess with Paul is that because of or in spite of the conservative way in which I was raised, I seem drawn like a moth to a flame to what you could call the wilder side of life. I'm not sure how that fits with dating a fine, upstanding man of the cloth."
It finally dawned on me what he was saying. Since I didn't identify myself by my career alone, I wasn't seeing myself as he saw me. How do I tell him about the real me? How do I show him - In a heartbeat I knew what I wanted to do.
"Eric, you don't actually know a lot about me yet. I want you to truly know me, but you can't just recite a resume and expect someone else to understand. But I know something I can do, and have wanted to do for a long time."
I leaned into him, kissing him firmly. My hand proceeded up his thigh, discovering he was as excited about the situation as I was. I held his gaze with my eyes, and with my hands beginning to slightly shake, I grasped his belt buckle. His eyes asked a wordless question. My eyes answered. First I unfastened his belt and then his pants. I tried to remember everything I had read in the many stories on the Internet that had been my evening reading for so long.
"Oh, Steve."
I took that as a yes and set out to fulfill a life-long fantasy. I'm sure the technique was lacking, but I was hoping there was credit for enthusiasm. After he climaxed, I rose up between his legs and leaned into him, finding his open mouth and joining my lips to his. His tongue snaked into my mouth, searching for his own essence. We broke the kiss and he laid his head on my shoulder and nuzzled into my neck.
"Jesus, Steve, I guess that answers the question of whether or not gay ministers have sex."
"After last night, were my intentions unclear? I thought you knew how badly I wanted you?"
"I knew what I wanted to believe. I'm a little screwed up, though. I haven't had much experience with ministers."
"Well, I hope to give you a lot of `experience' with a minister, and soon. Oh, and by the way, you are not the first man to have a kinky streak. You might be surprised by the fantasies of one minister."
With that, his eyes lit up, as a whole new world began to unfold before him. On some level he probably new that even "respectable" people could have a wild side. A veil was lifting and he was beginning to realize that sex didn't have to be dangerous to be exciting. The possibility of sharing secret desires and unspoken fantasies with a man he could trust was like sunrise at the Grand Canyon.
Ultimately, the question of compatibility between us had not actually been answered. But Eric was quickly discovering a new way of exploring the situation. I felt that we had crossed some important territory in what I hoped would be a deepening relationship.
Just as my despondency had been obvious to everyone in the church office, so now was my elation. I tried to act cool and collected, but it was difficult keeping a smile from my face.
"Somebody is sure happy to be back to work. Or is there another reason for that shit-eating grin you're wearing," Loren asked while fixing me with an intimidating look.
"It feels good to be back in action again. I was really getting cabin fever."
"I thought the doctor said you should stay out for three weeks," Loren queried with arched eyebrows.
I knew this argument was coming. Loren was trying to be protective, but I couldn't stay in that apartment any longer. Besides, I was feeling pretty good, and coming to the office was not that physically demanding.
"I promise, if I get tired, I'll go back home. I need to be doing something, preferably something constructive."
Loren gave a resigned "hmmpfh" and conceded. I was relieved that my return was that easy. We quickly went to work catching me up on what had been happening in my absence. Any emergencies had been efficiently handled and most of the administrative issues would wait. The biggest task was to answer a long list of calls, emails and cards wishing me a speedy recovery.
The shooting had galvanized the church into a cohesive unit. I knew that wouldn't last forever, but it did help smooth the interim. After a couple of hours at my computer, the correspondence was in good shape. Any meetings for the week had already been canceled and I had no intention of resetting them immediately. It felt good to be back in action, but I was getting a little weary. Loren came in to check on me, and the concerned expression told me I was probably heading home soon. I complained that I was all right and didn't need a babysitter, but secretly I was glad to get back to the apartment.
I had convinced Loren that I was no longer in need of the daily care packages. Eric wanted to bring me supper again and who was I to object. When he arrived I could tell he was nervous. Relationships don't gel over night. I certainly hoped we had what it took to make this work, though.
"Hi, Eric. Thanks for taking care of me again tonight."
"Hi, Steve. Loren told me you went to work today."
"Tattletale."
"You know Loren is concerned for you. We all are. You didn't overdo it did you?"
"I feel fine. I am a little tired, but don't you dare let on to Loren or I'll never be able to go back to work."
"Your secret is safe with me, as long as you promise to honestly take care of yourself."
"I promise, but I am glad you're here to take care of me now," I tried to say as seductively as possible. From the snicker I received from Eric, I must not have been entirely successful, but he was looking less nervous.
"I brought you more soup. I wasn't sure whether you were up to solid food yet."
The loss of some small bowel was complicating my diet, but the doctor didn't think it would take too long to get back to a normal menu. The soup sounded great, though. I was quickly discovering that anything Eric cooked was delicious. We ate together and talked comfortably. The scene was fairly domestic with the two of us eating at a kitchen table. The companionship of doing the simple things together was a real joy. My feelings for Eric seemed to grow with every chance to be with him. I knew I needed to give him the time to work through his own baggage. If we were to have a future together, it would need a solid foundation. Lust can go a long way. However, we were two career people trying to make our way in a difficult world, and I was experienced enough to know that we probably faced many challenges ahead. I couldn't help hoping, though, as I sat across the table from him, that we would face those challenges as a team.
"You have that far-a-way look in your eyes again. Anything you want to share?"
"Yes, Eric. I was thinking about us. Being together like this feels wonderful."
"I enjoy our time alone, also. What do we do next, O wise one?"
"What is this `O wise one'? Being a minister does not make me an expert on relationships. I finding my way in this the same as you are. I do know I want to find it."
"Ironically, I don't feel any hesitation about being with a `fuddy-duddy minister' anymore."
"That's good. What hesitation do you feel?"
"Old insecurities don't ever seem to go away. I have trouble believing that you would truly be interested in me."
"I have my share of insecurities, believe me. I astound myself, if the truth were known, to be this upfront with you. I just don't know when I have wanted anything more."
"Quite the sweet talker, or are you trying to get into my pants again?"
"I plead the fifth. But I mean every word."
"Let's go into the other room. I brought a video if you want to watch it."
"If you will hold me while we watch it?"
"It would be my pleasure."
The evening continued in a very comfortable fashion. We didn't get as physical as we had before, but my injury was still definitely on his mind. As much as I wanted our relationship to progress, I couldn't complain about spending an evening wrapped up in his arms.
"You could stay, you know," I added as he made preparations to leave.
"I know, and I would like to do that, but it is a school night. I didn't bring anything with me. I didn't want to appear presumptuous and come in with my toothbrush in hand."
I was betting there was more to it than that, but I didn't want to pressure him. As impatient as I was, I could wait until he was more at ease about the two of us. We kissed good night and I turned to roam around in my apartment that felt lonely than ever. I knew for a fact that if this didn't work out I was going to be one depressed guy. God, please help me do the right thing.
The next few days brought longer times at the office. The doctor said I was doing great, and should be back to normal soon. We got a good laugh when I said that he must be an excellent doctor, because I had never been normal before. Loren had the official date with Detective O'Neal. Things were definitely heating up in that department. My relationship with Eric seemed to be at a plateau. We definitely enjoyed being together. He brought supper over almost every other night, but he hadn't stayed since that first time. I decided I needed another focus. I was to the point of obsessing over the state of affairs with Eric.
I was finally able to connect with the Carlisle family. I knew that they were having a difficult time before the dad went over the edge. I talked to his wife, who was understandably distraught. Her son was back home, but neither of them was handling the situation at all well. They reluctantly agreed to see me, and I made an appointment to visit them at their home the next day. The tension hung in the air as Mrs. Carlisle invited me in.
"Please come in, Rev. Williams."
The home was modest, but comfortable. The boy was probably there under protest from the look on his face. I wasn't sure what I hoped to accomplish, but I knew I had to do something.
"I am glad that you were willing to see me. I know this is awkward, but I wanted you to know there were no hard feelings on my part," I said trying to project as much calmness as I could.
"That's very generous of you. I'm sure my husband has created a lot of difficulties for you and your church," she answered without making eye contact.
The boy - or young man - he was probably sixteen or seventeen, was on the verge of tears.
"What's your name? I may have known, but I'm not good with names," I directed toward the young man.
"Brad," he replied softly.
"Brad, as I recall from the PFLAG meeting, your coming out to your parents was incredibly difficult for you. Everything that has happened since must be hard to take."
"I hope the bastard rots in jail," he snarls.
"Brad. Please don't swear," his mother interjects.
"That's all right. This is a pretty appropriate time to swear," I directed toward the mother.
"Your father has hurt you and others with his inability to accept you," I said, now facing the young man.
"He doesn't love me. I don't think he ever did. He's worried about what his redneck friends are going to say."
"Shooting me was an irrational act, wouldn't you say? It wasn't going to change anything."
"The bastard's out of his mind."
"Exactly. And perhaps that's an explanation to his reaction to your sexuality as well."
I knew it was a stretch, but I doubted I was going to have much time to go slow with this conversation.
"Why are you trying to excuse him? Especially after what he did to you," he asked looking perplexed.
"I have no intention of excusing him. There is no excuse for what he did to me just as there is no excuse for what he did to you."
I could tell that he was trying to understand, but his mind wouldn't go there.
"We don't have to excuse somebody to begin to deal with what they have done. The important question is how do we go on from here? I would like for you to come back to the PFLAG group."
The disbelief was evident on his face.
"They'll hate me. It's my fault you almost got killed."
"That isn't your fault. Only your father is to blame for that. I think you will be surprised how many people will understand exactly what you are feeling. The meeting is Monday night at 7:30 in the church basement. Give it some thought, OK?"
Brad was now crying; a better reaction than hating. I had no idea if he would attend the meeting. All I could do was offer the invitation. I said a few more things to Mrs. Carlisle and then left. One of the problems of this profession was not always knowing if a seed planted would ever begin to sprout. Somewhat frustrated, I returned home, more fatigued than any physical exertion would explain.
Eric was to bring over supper again. I would have to be careful. I wasn't always the most patient when I was tired and frustrated. O God, don't let me say something to screw things up now.
Eric arrived, and the aroma from the packages he was carrying was amazing. As he was placing everything on the table, I came up behind him and gave him a hug.
"Thank you for bringing supper over again. You spoil me, you know that don't you?"
"I've grown fond of taking care of you. Are you ready to eat? I didn't know what your schedule would be. I know you are back to work full-time now, or close to it."
"Now is perfect, especially since you are here," I replied softly.
"Are the longer days tiring you out too much? I wonder if you aren't trying to do too much too quickly," he asked, looking intently into my eyes.
"The doctor says I'm basically as good as new. I almost feel like myself again," I said, pausing before bringing up the next subject. Eric was busy setting the table; a job he still wouldn't let me do.
"I went by to see the Carlisle family today," I said cautiously.
"You have to try and fix everyone's problems, don't you?"
"I doubt I can fix all the problems that family has, but I did want to clear the air. I didn't want them to think I harbored any ill feelings toward them because of what he did. I invited the boy and his mother to come back to the PFLAG group. He really needs to be in a support group. We started a group for gay teens that have been abused. I'd like to see him get plugged in there, if possible."
"Steve." Eric looked down at the silverware in his hands.
"Eric. Please tell me what's on your mind. I know something is bothering you."
"Steve, your concern for others is part of what I admire about you. It's what brought us together. You came to a hostile school board meeting to defend someone you didn't even know. But as crass and selfish as it sounds, I'm not sure I want to share. And I know you can't be someone other than who you are. I don't want to end up resenting all the people who get your attention when I would want you home with me."
This last confession came out almost in a rush, as if he had stopped, he wouldn't be able to go on again. I hadn't considered this dynamic. I believed I had enough love to give to go around, but if he was going to be jealous of all the people that were a part of my ministry, we could have a definite problem.
"Is this why you have been keeping me at arms length recently? I suspected there was a problem. I'm glad you confided in me what it is," I offered, hopefully more positively than I felt at that moment.
"Steve, I can't help but think that you would be better off with a person more deserving of you. Maybe even someone to work beside you in all the things you do."
"Hold on a minute. There is no deserving' here. We are two people who are considering a relationship. We may or may not be compatible, but neither one of us is more deserving' that the other. I don't want to hear that crap. OK. And as for the second part, I'm looking for a partner and a lover, not a coworker. If I need help at the church, we'll hire more staff."
I realized my response had come out stronger than I had intended. Eric had inadvertently pushed two of my buttons in one statement. I tried to soften my stance by taking my hand and caressing his cheek. He finally looked me in the eye. I could see the struggle in his soul, but ultimately, I couldn't take away his questions.
"Eric, does this mean that you have decided? Do you want to stop pursuing a relationship with me?"
"When I'm away from you, I'm convinced it won't work, that it can't work. But then when I'm with you, I can't bear the thought of giving up on us."
"Which feeling do you think is the stronger," I asked, fearing the answer.
"The feeling I have when I'm with you is stronger, but I spend more time away from you than with you."
"Maybe we need to spend more time together, then"
"You are certainly a persuasive talker, but then you know that, don't you?"
"I don't mean to talk you into something you don't want."
"Oh Steve, it's not a question of want. If I give into my heart and let myself truly love you, only to discover down the road that it isn't going to work, I don't know what I would do."
"Loving someone always means taking a risk. I don't think it can be done any other way."
"Maybe that's why I've never been in love, not really anyway."
I embraced him as the emotions of our conversation left him ragged. I so wanted to make everything right. The rescuer in me wanted to swoop down and solve everybody's problems. But I knew if we were going to have a chance, Eric would have to deal with this demon. I could wait and see if he was willing to risk loving me. My mind was already clear, now. I was in love with him.
"Enough of this heavy talk. Let's eat before the food is cold as stone."
We sat down at the table and began our meal. Having a task is a good way of moving ahead. We weren't going to resolve this in one night or in one discussion. What I did need to know before we parted again was whether we still had a chance. Getting that much of an affirmation might be difficult enough. We finished our supper and cleaned up the kitchen. Eric was too much of a neat freak to let emotional distress keep him from the tidiness he needed. We went into the living room and watched some television, but we were still subdued. He did let me hold him as we sat together. When it became apparent that it was time he wanted to leave, I knew I would have to press if I was going to find out what I needed to know.
"Eric, honestly, tell me if you believe we still have a chance at something special between us."
He didn't want to look me in the eye, but I guided his chin up until I cloud see his face.
"I want to try. I can't bear the thought of losing you," he whispered.
"I'm not going anywhere, Eric. I don't want to lose you, either," I replied as I leaned in to kiss his lips.
After he was gone, I was still frustrated, but I felt better that we had at least addressed the issue. I thought that if we could make it past this hurdle, we might have a real good chance, If?
The next day in the office, I was surprise to find Loren uptight. I had learned it was better not to push. Loren would tell me what was wrong in due time. About half way through the morning, Loren came into my office wearing a very serious expression.
"Can I talk to you a minute?"
"Sure, Loren. Pull up a seat. What's on you mind?"
"Would it be all right if Larry and I came in to talk to you?"
"Of course it would. When would be a good time for the two of you?"
"You don't need to know what it's about?"
"You can tell me now if you want to, or you can wait and tell me when Larry is here."
"I think I would rather wait. Larry has been working odd hour lately. It's a case he's been following. I, better than anybody, know how busy you are. I hate to bother you."
"Loren, consider it a perk from working here, God knows there aren't many. I'll work you in when ever needed."
"Well, Larry is free later this afternoon, if that would work for you."
"Great. Say Three o'clock?"
"That would be fine."
And with that, Loren rose and walked back into the outer office. This sounded ominous, but I didn't want to get ahead of myself. There were plenty of administrative tasks to keep me busy. There was a slight knock on the door followed by two serious people entering my office.
"Detective O'Neal, it's a pleasure to see you again. Come in and sit down."
"Please, Rev. Williams. Remember, call me Larry. I'm not on police business here," he requested as he shook my hand.
"Only if you will call me Steve. What can I do for the two of you?"
The seemed to have a mini conference on who was going to talk. I don't know whether Larry won or lost, but he was the one to speak.
"You are aware that Loren and I have been going out together."
I nodded, not wanting to interrupt him now that he had started.
"We are to a point that you could say things are becoming serious, at least they are for me," the last phrase directed at Loren, not me.
Loren nodded, affirming Larry's statement. I had never seen Loren this nervous before. Larry continued.
"I haven't been in a real relationship since college. Also, I have never felt this way about anybody else. I love Loren."
Saying that, he looked over at Loren with an expression of true affection. Loren beamed back, but I could also detect uncertainty.
"Loren," I interjected, "how do you feel about Larry?"
"Oh I love him with all my heart. I'm not sure he is aware of what exactly he is getting him self into, though."
"Loren, you have to believe me when I say I love you just the way you are." Larry turned to me. "Loren is concerned that our relationship will ruin my career and drive away any friends I have. I'm not a Pollyanna and I wasn't born yesterday. A relationship like ours will probably cause some ripples."
Loren snorted, "You mean tidal waves, don't you?"
"I don't care what the repercussions are. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. My career and friends mean nothing if I can't be with you. I believe that together we can take on rest. Hell, I don't even want to be a policeman all my life. I can do other things."
I could tell this man was determined and I was impressed. I also knew that Loren could be very stubborn.
"Loren, what precisely are your concerns?"
"Steve, I know he says he would give up the force for me, but I don't want him to have to do that. I don't want him to resent me later if he doesn't find something else he enjoys."
"Is it a foregone conclusion that he would have to give up the force," I posed to Loren. "I think it's realistic to assume there could be problems, but that might not mean quitting. I hear Larry say he's willing to take that chance."
"It seems like an awful lot to lose merely to be with me."
"Damnit, Loren, what do you mean by this merely for you' shit. What you call merely for you' is everything for me."
"Loren, it sounds like you hit a sore point there with Larry. Can I assume you two have had this discussion before?"
"Yes. You both know I have a low self-image. I still have trouble believing someone like Larry is even interested in me."
I could see exasperation wanting to explode out of Larry.
"Larry, Loren's insecurities are deep seeded. They are not going to go away over night. Can you be patient with that?"
Larry pulled back the frustration and once again looked at Loren with great compassion. His stock was definitely going up in my book. Perhaps the most encouraging thing I saw was that during Larry's temper flare, Loren never registered any fear.
"Loren, you don't appear to be afraid of Larry when he gets angry."
"Of course not. He would never hurt me."
"Why not?"
"Because he lo-"
With that, the sun dawned. Loren's whole demeanor was transformed. The reality of Larry's love was evident, even to an insecure Loren. Larry reached out, and Loren jumped into his lap as they both began to cry. I suspected discussing a commitment ceremony was our next step, but the joy of the moment needed to be savored first. It was obvious that my presence was now superfluous, but I didn't want to interrupt by standing up to leave my own office, so I sat there. Eventually, they both rose from the one chair and walked out of the room, unaware of anybody or anything else but the two of them. I envied them that moment