Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction, and any resemblance to real people or events is coincidental. It contains descriptions of sex between adult men. If this type of material offends you, or if you are forbidden by law to read it, please exit the story now. E-mail comments are gratefully accepted.
Metropolitan Romance-4
The next Monday night, both Mrs. Carlisle and her son Brad came to the church. We have a meeting for the parents and friends and a general support group for the youth that meet at the same time. That way, if parents and youth come together, there is something specific for both. The adult group was an established support group with experienced leaders. I knew Mrs. Carlisle was in good hands. I attended the youth support group. I was more concerned about Brad at this point. I often left the youth alone with a youth counselor, Sarah, who is excellent. I though she might need some backup for some of the issues Brad could raise.
"Welcome Rev. Williams. We are glad you could join us tonight,"
Sarah enthusiastically welcomed everyone who attended. Brad was already there, but was sitting as far away as possible. Sarah went around the room inviting each person to share as much about themselves as they wished as an introduction. Brad gave his name and nothing more. Sarah gave me an inquiring look, but I raised my eyebrows and added nothing. The meeting went along as usual, with each youth telling or retelling their story. One young man was recounting how he had been abused by a stepfather. I knew a little of the history and the stepfather was a true piece of work. While he was in mid-sentence, Brad interrupted.
"That's nothing. My old man shot the preacher."
That brought everything to a halt. The whole group looked first at Brad and then turned to me. I assumed that meant I was supposed to say something.
"Bob Carlisle was the man who shot me. He is currently in jail awaiting trial."
"I hope he rots in Hell," Brad shouted.
If I wanted Brad to let things out, I was getting my wish. I only hoped the group could hold it together. Most everyone was now glaring at Brad.
"Brad gave you his opinion of his desires for his fathers eternal condition. As you may be painfully aware, there are injuries that do not heal as quickly as a gunshot wound. Brad has plenty of reasons for being angry with his father," I offered to the group.
Recognition began to show on the faces of the people assembled in that room. The young man who was interrupted stood up and went over to Brad.
"It really sucks having an asshole for a father."
With this, Brad began to sob. Sarah was instantly by his side as well, encouraging him to express his grief and his rage. It was obvious from their expressions that the group was now in full rescue mode. It never failed to amaze me how the human spirit could continue to respond to so much pain. Every person in the group had their own wounds, their own hurts, but they would rise above it to help someone out of the abyss of a destructive family. I went to my office to have a little time alone. A lot of things had happened in one short hour. I was surprised to find Eric sitting in my office.
"Is the boy going to be all right," Eric asked.
I must have had a puzzled look on my face.
"I was eavesdropping. I know I shouldn't have. I came looking for you. Someone told me you would be in that room. When I went to the door, I could hear the conversation. I should have walked away, but I stood there for the longest while. When the boy began to cry, I came here. I'm sorry.
"It's not a problem. The meetings are confidential, but I trust you. We may need to consider come soundproofing though. I can imagine some unhealthy situations that could arise out of overheard discussions."
"You're not mad at me?"
"No. No, I'm not mad at you. What brings you here tonight?"
"I wanted to talk to you. But I can see this is a bad time. I don't know what I was thinking."
"Eric, this isn't a bad time at all. My presence isn't needed in the group. In fact, they will do better now without me. I don't really share their experience. It makes me somewhat of an outsider, to tell the truth. Sarah, the counselor will do fine. What did you want to talk about with me?"
"I wanted to talk about us."
"That's my favorite topic."
"How can you be so patient with me? I keep leading you on, then pushing you away. I would think you'd give up on me," Eric said while memorizing the weave of the carpet.
"Eric? Eric, look at me. I understand why this isn't easy for you. To a point, it's you hesitation that has made my feelings more clear. I know I want to be with you and I'm willing to wait until you know what you want to do. Is that so hard to accept?"
"The only other person who has been that patient with me, that has cared that much for me, is my sister, Carol. I think I had become resigned to the fact that she would be the only one."
"That puts me in some pretty good company. Remember, I've already encountered you big sister's protective side. I was going to attend that school board meeting or I knew there would be Hell to pay."
Eric smiled for the first time that evening. I suspect we both spent a few moments reliving the school board meeting and some times after that. I crossed the room that had been separating us and knelt in front of him.
"Eric, I love you. I know it with all my heart. And as long as there is chance you might love me in return, even someday, then I will be here. There is no where else I want to be."
"Can you come home with me?"
I didn't dare assume what this request meant. I also knew I wouldn't say no. We had to take two cars because neither one of us wanted to leave a car at the church. I would rather have been with him. It seemed a bad time to be apart. But we were at his house before long. I wanted to recreate some of the moment so I walked to him, put my arms around him, and held him tightly. It felt so right to have him in my arms. I so wanted this to work. He lifted his head from my shoulder where it had been resting. He brought his face to mine and gently kissed me. My heart wanted to beat right out of my chest. Soon our kissing became more passionate. My mind was losing control of the situation and my body was taking the lead. Then, as suddenly as we had started, Eric stopped. With tears in his eyes he pleadingly gazed into mine.
"I do love you, Steve. Help me learn how to trust you. I want to be able to give myself to you and not hold back anymore. Can you wait for me while I learn to trust?"
"For the rest of my life, Eric. For the rest of my life."
He then led me by the hand, up the stairs to his bedroom. I hoped against all hope that soon it would be our bedroom. But if he were going to develop trust, I would have to go slowly. I didn't mind letting him lead. It wasn't actually very late, but I was emotionally drained, and I suspected he was as well. Without words, we both undressed. It felt sort of like a Charlie Chaplin routine, where I matched him piece for piece as each article of clothing was removed. It may have been taking the idea of letting him lead too literally, but I wasn't going to take any risks at this point. As if it had been choreographed, we both got into bed from opposite sides. He had stripped all the way, so naturally I had also. We came together in the center of the bed and melted into one another. It couldn't have felt more perfect. The intertwining of our arms, our legs, our lips, transformed us from two men into one. Gently kissing and stroking, we surprisingly seemed more peaceful than aroused. The intimacy of the moment was far more important than sexual gratification. Soon, we drifted off to sleep, still holding on to one another.
We were in almost the same position when the alarm sounded. I would have given anything to have been able to pulverize that interruption to our time together. I was ready to call the office and cancel absolutely anything on my agenda. Eric, I knew, would want to report to his teaching. We both were now awake and smiling at each other. That was definitely a good sign. If the morning had brought regrets, I would have been crushed.
He kissed me again and went to take a shower. He said I could stay in bed while he got ready for school. I took the opportunity, however, to fix him breakfast. I was in the kitchen, wearing a borrowed robe when he came up behind me and put his arms around my waist, kissing my neck.
"You didn't have to make me breakfast. I usually grab a bagel or something."
"I wanted to do something for you. You have done so much for me while I was recuperating."
"Well, thank you. It is nice for a change."
The morning routine concluded as the picture of domesticity, including a kiss as he walked out the door. I could get used to this in a hurry. I had to get dressed in the same clothes form the day before, so I went home to shower and prepare for the day.
Later that morning, I was sitting in my office, when Loren announced that there was a phone call.
"Good morning, this is Steve Williams."
"Is this the Steve Williams I held all night in my arms, sleeping in my bed."
"If this is an obscene phone call, don't stop."
"You fool, I was trying to be romantic."
"And I thought you called for some phone sex."
"I'm in the teachers' lounge for God's sake," he snickered.
"I love you, Eric Andrews."
"And I love you, Steve Williams."
"I'm glad you called. I was missing you."
I had to pray I wasn't pressing to hard.
"That's why I called. I miss you too. Can we get together again tonight?"
Hallelujah!
"Nothing could keep me away. What time do you want me to be there."
"I usually get home by 4:30."
"That's when I'll be there."
"I love you, Steve."
"I love you, Eric."
"See you later."
"Until then."
From that point on, the day dragged by unmercifully. I made some hospital visitations and was at Eric's house by 4:15. He pulled into the driveway shortly after I arrived. I was sure that the waiting all day had only heightened the anticipation for me. I saw the same eagerness on Eric's face as well. Nothing could ever feel as right as when we were once again in each other's arms. One of the ironies about developing trust in a relationship is that you really don't know for sure if you have it until it is tested. I was hoping we wouldn't have a test of our trust for sometime.
Eric had a routine upon coming home, which was no surprise. I helped him begin watering flowerbeds and picking up debris that seems to collect from nowhere. We then moved inside to begin dinner. He went through his mail while I looked through the photos on his desk.
There were pictures of him and Carol at many different ages. These two siblings appeared to have always been close. There were no pictures of his parents, which I assumed was significant. There were more recent photos, especially of his nephew, Jared. The young man was obviously quite the athlete.
"Learn anything about me from my photo collection," Eric inquired.
"You are definitely close to your sister and I'm betting you always have been. No pictures of your parents. You have never talked about your parents, so I'm guessing that's not a happy story. You are also very fond of Carol's son Jared. Did I miss anything?"
"It's going to be difficult keeping any secrets from you I can tell."
"Oh this sounds interesting. How many `secrets' do you have?"
"If I tell you, they won't be secrets anymore."
The grin on his face was reassuring. We were bordering on some serious territory in a relationship here. That he could take it light-heartedly was a good sign. We ate dinner and set about with our personal agenda. He had to grade tests and I used the time to work on a sermon. Everything felt so comfortable as we went through our mundane tasks. An outside observer might have presumed we had been a couple for a long time. We both stopped working in time to watch the news. We sat on the sofa holding each other. When the news was over, Eric stood and took me by the hand. In a repeat of last night, he led me up the stairs to his bedroom. With less tension than the previous time, we both got ready for bed.
As a rule, I'm a night owl, so this was early for me to be going to bed. The chance of being with Eric of course outweighed any need to stay up later. We gently moved into the same position as before. Kissing, stroking and nibbling were all we did until finally he rested his head on my chest. Gradually, his breathing became regular and I knew he was asleep. There was no way I was going to be able to fall asleep that early, but I found that I enjoyed holding him, watching him sleep.
The next morning was similar to the first, only this time I toasted his bagel and poured his juice. Neither one of us was a coffee drinker. I had packed an overnight bag and left it in the car. I didn't want to seem too presumptuous, but I didn't want to be unprepared, either.
This became our routine for the week. By Friday, I had decided that things needed a little nudge. Fridays were usually my day off, but since up until now I hadn't had a personal life, I often worked that day as well. This Friday I was on a mission. Eric had given me a key to his house. It would look bad if I somehow locked myself out one of these mornings. I made a trip to the grocery store to have the required elements on hand to prepare dinner. I went to a candle shop for ambience enhancers. Then it was on to Eric's to set my plan in motion.
By the time he came home from teaching, the beef stroganoff was ready for the last steps. Eric knew something was up the minute he entered the house. His suspicions aside, I met him with a passionate embrace he didn't resist. I began to wonder if it was going to happen right there in the entry way and all my preparations were unneeded. Finally we let go of the almost desperate grip we had on each other. I opened the bottle of wine I had set out and poured us each a glass in the crystal goblets I found in the china cabinet. He was impressed that I had found a tablecloth and all the accessories to set a somewhat formal dining room. I acquiesced to him helping with the finishing touches for dinner. I did enjoy his company in the kitchen
After the candlelit meal, we moved to the family room, where we sat together on the comfortable sofa. I began to massage his feet that were resting in my lap. I'm sure he understood where I was headed, but he still did not resist. After conversing about his day, I suggested he take a shower to help him relax. Meanwhile, I set out and lit candles around the bedroom, put on a CD, poured some more wine, and then slipped naked into the bed. He came out of the bathroom in his dowdy terrycloth robe. Replacing that was definitely a first on the gift list for some occasion soon. He gave me a big grin and shucked the robe, slipping in between the sheets.
"Somebody has been working on this plan for a long time."
"Since the first time I saw you," I whispered, moving closer to him.
We embraced in much the same way we had every night that week. Gently, I edged my left leg between his. He pulled me over onto him and held me even tighter. While out tongues danced in first his mouth an then in mine, my hands became bolder in their exploration of his body. I watched for any expression of hesitation. Seeing none, I ran my hand between his legs and quickly found the object of my recent fantasies. He took in a rasping breath, literally taking the air from my lungs. The need for fresh air finally forced us to break off our kiss. Eric's eyes were clenched shut but he still gave no indication that he wanted me to stop.
"Eric, I love you. Are you ready for this? Please look into my eyes."
Slowly his eyes opened and the windows to his soul displayed fear and apprehension. My body ached with anticipation, but reluctantly I brought both hands to cradle his face.
"Eric, you have nothing to be afraid of with me. We aren't going to do anything you don't want to do."
"But I do want it, Steve. I don't know what's wrong."
"Tell me what you are feeling, Eric. What is it you fear?"
"I'm afraid you'll leave me."
"You're afraid that if we have sex, I'll leave you?"
"I'm afraid that you're going to meet a man at the church who is better looking than I am --- a man who shares your faith."
"You're still worried about the faith thing?"
"The faith thing! For a minister I assume that's a pretty big deal."
"My faith is a pretty big deal, but yours isn't. Don't you see? I'm not looking for some spiritual twin. I'm intrigued by the challenge of your intellect. In high school I was a scientist. I appreciate the scientific method. If I weren't convinced this could work, I wouldn't be here now, doing this. I don't want a one-night stand. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Eric."
"Oh Steve."
Still mostly on top of him, I pressed my lips to his hard. I ground my body into his. He responded by moaning into my mouth. This time he was going to have to stop me. But he didn't. Our bodies thrashed at each other with raw lust. We were desperately stoking each other's manhood, until finally, sweet release. Such peace, such contentment as I lay there holding him in my arms. With one more gaze into each other's eyes, we smiled and I knew I was where I belonged
The next morning, I awoke before he did. As I watched him sleep, I gave thanks for the chance to be here with him like this. His mouth was slightly open and he had drooled on his pillow. I would never have thought that someone drooling could be so attractive. But he was. Slowly, his eyes fluttered open and he smiled.
"It really wasn't a dream," he mumbled.
"More like a dream come true."
"Are you always this romantic first thing in the morning?"
"Only when I'm very, very happy."
We cuddled for a while, but an urgent need to empty the bladder got us both out of bed. I followed him downstairs to the kitchen where we combined our efforts for a light breakfast. Sitting together at the table, it seemed so natural.
"Do you believe me now, Eric, that I'm not going anywhere?"
"I know you're still here, I'm just can't convince myself why you want to stay."
"This is one of the greatest mornings of my life. My world was shattered when I lost my family, but you have given me new reason to live. Your love has healed me, Eric."
"I don't deserve you."
"Why do you feel that way? Who has told you something like that?"
I saw a wave of great pain sweep across his face. He almost drew himself into an invisible shell.
"Who was it, Eric?"
"It was my father. After I came out to my parents - it was over Christmas break, my first year of college - I was leaving to go back to school. They hadn't taken it very well. My father shouted obscenities and my mother cried. They didn't actually kick me out; they simply made it clear I wasn't welcome there. Not as long as I chose' to be that way,' anyhow. I packed my bags and was headed for the car. My father came out onto the porch. As a parting gesture he shouted that no decent man would have me, not even a queer one."
I reached across the table and took both of his hands in mine
" I cried all the way back to the dorm. I never went home again. Carol had already moved out, of course. She tried to patch things up between us, but my father wouldn't have it. Two years later, my mother died. I went to the funeral, but at the graveside - as everyone was leaving - my father screamed at me, `YOU put her in this grave.' Carol rushed me out of there. That must have been the last straw for her, because neither one of us ever spoke to him again. Almost three years to the day, he died of a heart attack. A neighbor called Carol to tell her. There was only a graveside service for him. He had run off any friends he had. Carol went to the service. I couldn't go to that place again. I've never even visited their graves since."
"Your father was wrong, you know that."
He looked up at me without comprehending.
"He was wrong about the fact the you chose your sexuality. He was wrong that you had anything to do with your mother's death. And he was wrong when he said you wouldn't find someone to love you."
I came around the table and put my arms around him. He wasn't crying; merely resting his head on my shoulder. Softly, he began almost shuddering in my ear.
"My father was an asshole. He was an ignorant, mean- spirited bigot."
"And I, for one, am not going to take seriously the opinions of an ignorant, mean-spirited, bigoted asshole."
"I'm not going to either anymore. Steve, will you do something for me?"
"You name it, lover."
"I usually go to Carol's house for dinner on Sunday. Will you go with me tomorrow?"
"I would be honored."
We spent the rest of the day doing small chores around the house. Every now and then, we would stop to hold each other. As the day drew to an end, the question of the night's arrangements seemed to loom before us.
"Steve, I imagine that you need to be at your apartment tonight. I'm sure it would make getting ready for church in the morning a lot easier. Would you want me to spend the night at your apartment?"
I was amazed that he was willing to risk that quickly.
"Oh, most definitely. There is nothing I want more."
"I'm still not ready to attend church with you yet, is that all right?
"It is not a problem."
We finished up a few things around his place and headed to my apartment. He moved the things he had brought with him into my bedroom. As I watched him meticulously set out his toiletries, he caught my amusement in the reflection in the mirror.
"Are you laughing at me," he said with a slight grin.
"I love watching you," I hedged.
"You think I'm being anal about my toothbrush."
"Speaking of anal."
He turned and walked solely to me. His eyes were almost smoldering. He kissed me passionately and began moving me backwards into the bedroom. Then he started unbuttoning my shirt. By the time we reached the bed, my shirt was off and my pants were unfastened He pushed me back onto the bed and continued to undress me. If this was a sign of a new, take- charge Eric, I was going to like this. I considered mentioning my lack of experience in this area, but decided against it. I didn't want to break the mood. I needn't have worried. Almost agonizingly slowly, he prepared me for my first time to really know what it means to make love with a man. That night, as our bodies bonded together, our souls were knit into one. If I had any reservations before, they evaporated as we became one. With him inside me, I knew that I was whole again.
Meeting someone's family is often a daunting endeavor. It's like picking up a book in the middle of the action. All the history, all the dynamics were at work and I was a spectator. The bond between Eric and his sister Carol was obvious. She seemed pleased that I was there. If I had to guess, she was proud that she was partly responsible for getting us together. There was also a great deal of affection between Eric and his nephew, Jared. Jared eyed me suspiciously. I later learned that I was the first man Eric had ever brought to the family dinner. It may have been the first time Jared had actually been confronted with his uncle's homosexuality. But the real challenge was Paul, Eric's brother-in-law. Paul Langley was a handsome man, in a rugged sort of way. He was friendly enough on the surface, but I sensed hostility. It may have been paranoia, but I would swear that I caught him glaring at me when I unexpectedly noticed him watching me.
The meal was good and the conversation stayed light. Jared seemed to grow nervous and the dinner progressed. Just before we were ready to leave, Jared managed to trap me in the hallway on my way back from the bathroom.
"Rev. Williams, can I talk to you a minute?"
My early warning system went on alert. The clandestine nature of the conversation told me the dynamics of the Langley household was going to get wrenched up a notch.
"What can I do for you, Jared?"
"I really need to talk to you about something serious, but I can't do it here. Could I talk to you at the church?"
"I'm sure we could work out something. What time is good for you?"
"How about tomorrow after school?"
"That works for me."
"Oh, and could we keep this between the two of us, not even uncle Eric?"
"Sure, that's no problem."
We arranged the details for our upcoming conversation. I was intensely curious, but I've learned to not try too hard to second-guess what a person wants to discuss. Besides, Eric wanted me to come back to his house that night, so I had plenty of things to occupy my mind. Once we passed the last hurdle, Eric was pressing the relationship full steam ahead. I had no complaints.
The next day was filled with the minutia that makes up a Monday in a church office. Loren was still on cloud nine in regards to Larry. That kept Loren out of my personal affairs for the moment. I was a little surprised, then, when Jared poked his head in my door.
"There was no one out here, so I decided to see if you were ready for me."
"Come in, Jared. Loren, the church secretary left early today."
Jared walked into my office and timidly took a seat. I decided to wait and let him begin talking. I wanted him to have ownership of this conversation.
"I know uncle Eric is gay. He's never said anything about it, but my mother told me a few years ago."
He paused and looked at the floor. Not knowing where this was headed, I decided to wait and let him set the course. Most people don't like silence, and even the reluctant to talk will say something to fill the void.
"Since you're the minister here, at this church, I assumed, I mean I guessed, that you were - ah - gay, too."
He looked up at me with all the insecurity of his sixteen years. I knew I wanted to be honest with him. The question is exactly how much information does one share?
"Your uncle and I are in a relationship at this time. I think it is safe to say that we both hope that it will develop into something special for the two of us."
"I think I'm gay, too," he spurted out in a rush.
"I take it that's what you wanted to talk about with me?"
"Yes."
Now that the initial confession was passed, he was slowing down on the need to press forward with the conversation.
"What does that mean to you?"
"It means I like guys and not girls. I like looking at guys and thinking about guys - sexually."
"You've come to the right place. Metropolitan Church is a place where people can ask questions about their sexuality without condemnation. I'm sure you have a lot of questions. Do you fell comfortable talking to me about these things? I could arrange for you to talk with someone your own age if you prefer."
"No. I want to talk with you, at least for now. I've thought about talking to uncle Eric a couple of times, but I always chickened out."
"I believe you could trust your uncle if you ever decided to confide in him."
"It's just that he and mom are so close. It would be like asking him to keep a secret from her."
"Let's cross that bridge when we come to it. Would you say that you are sure you are gay or is there any uncertainty there?"
"I'm pretty sure I'm gay. I mean, girls don't do it for me. When I ja - ah - get off, I only think about guys."
"Is there something about being gay that troubles you the most?"
He virtually went pale on the spot. It was not surprising that this was difficult for him. I feared, though, that there was something more than the usual adolescent situation here.
"It's my dad."
My impressions from yesterday came flooding back to me. I hadn't said anything to Eric because I didn't want to get involved in family dynamics with no more than an impression. I realized I was now in the middle of it whether I wanted to be or not.
"How do you think your dad will react to your being gay?"
"I know how he will react."
Silence filled the room as this now very troubled young man was facing a dark demon. I still had no clue as to whether or not he was only being paranoid. He was definitely intelligent, but intelligence isn't a safeguard from over- dramatizing a problem.
"My father hates gays," he finally whispered.
I work at not over reacting to something a person says to me in situations like this, but the implications were overwhelming.
"He knows your uncle is gay, doesn't he?"
"Oh, yeah. You wouldn't believe the things he says about gays."
I was perplexed and getting more so by the minute.
"What does your mother do about that?"
"He never says anything in front of her. He knows she wouldn't stand for it. No. It's when it's just the two of us. `Man-to-man,' as he calls it. He doesn't like uncle Eric at all. I could see him looking at you, too, yesterday. I don't think he likes you, either."
I was beginning to see the powder keg this young man was trying to keep from igniting.
"That puts you in an awkward spot."
"In the past, I went along with it. I was afraid to say anything."
He was obviously feeling guilty over his collusion with his father's homophobia.
"You did the right thing; not saying anything back to your father. We should all stand up for what we believe, but there is wisdom in picking the best times to do that."
"I felt like I have betrayed uncle Eric."
"Your uncle Eric would not want you to take any crap from your father on account of him. You've done nothing wrong. I'm glad you have come to me. What you do now will have an impact on your whole family."
I almost dreaded bringing up that last part. I didn't want to lay any responsibility on him, but I was sure he was already there.
"Your coming to dinner is kind of what got me to thinking."
So I wasn't wrong in thinking it felt like a minefield at dinner.
"How so?"
"For one, the next time dad and I are alone, I can imagine what he is going to say. For another, when I saw you and uncle Eric together, I realized I wanted a relationship, too. And I don't mean only for the sex."
"And you can't pursue a relationship for fear of being caught."
The dilemma filled the room as we both considered what had been said.
"There's a kid at school. We have some classes together. Every once in a while, I catch him looking at me, and when I do, he smiles at me. It makes me feel kind of tingly inside."
"You think you might really like him?"
"Yea, he's real smart. And he's good-looking, too."
"Have you two gone anywhere or spent any time together?"
"I haven't dared. If dad ever saw him, he'd know he was gay."
"What do you want to do, Jared?"
"I want to be able to ask him out, but to do that, I probably need to come out to my parents."
We both weighed the ramifications of his last statement. Every path seemed ripe with danger.
"Could you tell your mother first, and enlist her help in telling your father?"
"She's not going to believe that my father is like that. She doesn't see that side of him. He's very careful."
"Since you've come this far, and want to tell your parents, what would you think of involving your uncle Eric? It's going to affect him anyhow. He might be able to help. He knows your parents better than I do."
"I guess we could tell him."
We then worked out a plan for the three of us to meet. I wanted him to tell Eric, so I wasn't going to explain what the meeting was about in advance. We used an upcoming science fair as an excuse for the three of getting together on Saturday. I hated keeping secrets from Eric, but this was one aspect of the ministry he would have to accept. I hoped it wasn't asking too much.
Saturday arrived and Jared joined us at Eric's house. I think he realized that I had spent the night. He gave me a wicked grin. This kid had personality plus. I began the discussion.
"Eric, Jared and I talked on Monday, and we both felt that you should be involved before we could go any further. I'm going to turn it over to him now."
"Uncle Eric, I know that you are gay. I knew it before all that mess with the school board. I asked mom one time, and she told me."
"That's all right, Jared. I never intended to hide it from you. I wasn't sure when it was a good time to talk with you about something like that."
"It's OK. I know it's not something that's easy to tell."
They looked into each other's eyes. It was as if they were seeing each other as adults for the first time. Recognition swept over Eric's face.
"You're gay, aren't you?"
"Yes, uncle Eric, I am."
Eric began to smile. He was connecting with his nephew in a whole new way. It was as if he had kept some distance in the past, and now the barriers were down.
"You've grown up into a fine young man, Jared. I have to admit, when your mother worried about your not having a girlfriend, I passed it off as your playing the field."
"You never guessed I was playing for your team?"
"Somebody's been on the Internet, haven't they," I interjected.
"I have done some surfing on the subject," Jared responded.
"Only the academic listings, I'm sure," Eric added.
"There really is some weird sh - stuff out there," Jared said catching himself in the nick of time.
"Be careful, Jared. There are certified nuts out there and some of them are dangerous."
"I'll be careful uncle Eric. I promise."
"I'm honored that you wanted to confide in me, Jared. Am I to assume that your parents don't know about this?"
"Yea, and that's why we're here. Rev. Williams -"
"Jared, why don't you call me Steve."
"OK, Steve and I were talking about how to tell my parents, and he thought it would be a good idea to bring you in on it."
"I'd be glad to help."
"Eric, this gets kind of complicated. There are some problems you need to hear," I added.
Eric and I attempted to communicate without talking. Our relationship was young to have any experience at this, but I was able to flash a warning that there was more involved than he realized.
"Uncle Eric, there's something you don't know, that I've known for quite a while. I never wanted to be the one to tell you, either."
"Go ahead, Jared. I won't hold it against you merely because you were the bearer of bad news."
"My father hates gays."
Eric quickly turned away. The expression was not one of shock as I might have suspected. The hurt was definitely there, however. I ventured a guess.
"This isn't a surprise to you, is it Eric?"
"No. Carol and Paul were dating when I came out to my parents. Steve knows the story, Jared, but let's say for now that it wasn't pretty. Carol was always supportive. I couldn't have asked for anyone better in my corner than my sister. Paul never let on that he wasn't supportive; it was a feeling I had. He said all the right things, but I was never convinced of his sincerity. As time went on, I assumed I must have been wrong."
"You weren't wrong, uncle Eric. He thinks all gays are disgusting. And he doesn't use the word gay when mom's not around."
You could almost see the wheels turning in Eric's head as he digested this information. I knew he would catch on quickly, but he got to the point even sooner than I expected.
"If you come out to your parents, then your father's reaction is going to give away years of deception."
"I think you hit the nail on the head," I agreed.
"So have you two come up with any plans?" Eric asked both Jared and me.
"Steve said we should include you," Jared said to Eric.
"Given the potential implications here, I not only thought you should be in on the plan, I hoped you might be able to help. You know Jared's parents as well as anyone, I presume."
"We could hope that Paul would continue trying to fool Carol and not react badly," Eric suggested.
"But he knows that I know," Jared countered.
"It's one thing for his wife's brother to be gay, it's a whole other thing for his son to be gay," I said.
"I think he'll go ballistic," Jared added with obvious pessimism.
"I think we need to be prepared for several contingencies. Jared, how soon do you feel you have to tell them," I asked.
"I don't want to wait. I'm tired of living a lie. If my father can't deal with it, then to hell with him."
Jared began to cry. As Eric comforted him, I reflected on how intense this had to be for both of them. I felt inadequate to the task of helping them with this problem. I knew I could be there for them, but I didn't have any answers. Eric was consoling Jared as only one who had been there could do.
"Jared, Steve and I will support you in any way we can. If things get too bad, you can stay here."
Eric searched my face for an affirmation to this promise.
"Jared, there are people at the church who have been through these kind of things. We aren't alone here. Staying with your uncle would always be an option. He doesn't snore too badly."
The attempted humor and the implicit confession that went with it had the desired effect on Jared. He looked up, and in the midst of his tears, gave me a big grin.
The decision was made to wait until Friday night for the big revelation. Jared asked that Eric and I be with him. We suggested he have a bag packed in case he needed to stay at Eric's that night. All that was left was to pray for a miracle. I was convinced it would take one to get through this unscathed.
With plans made, Jared left to go home. I warned him to lay low. Sometimes when a decision has been made, an impulsive flash can lead to an unexpected moment of truth. I wanted him to be sure and wait until everything was in place.
After he was gone, Eric and I reflected over the way the evening had gone.
"Jared is a brave young man," Eric murmured wistfully.
"I think he would say that he is only doing what is inevitable."
"But many people in his position would put off even the inevitable."
"Are you all right with him living here if it comes to that? I think that is a good possibility."
"I don't want this to affect us," he said with a question in his voice.
"It doesn't have to change anything if we don't let it."
"Steve, you are going to stay tonight aren't you?"
"Most definitely, my love. Most definitely."
"I want you to stay every night."
This moment was overdue. I knew that I had been thinking about where we went next with our relationship. Giving up my apartment and moving in with him seemed an obvious choice. But it would be different for him. I would be invading his space. Was he really ready for this?
"Eric, I very much want to take our relationship to the next level. There is nothing to keep me from living here with you. But I want you to be sure that's what you want."
"Oh Steve, there is nothing I want more. Are you sure you don't mind giving up your apartment? I'm not having to give up anything."
"You know I love this house. The apartment has always been a utilitarian remedy to my day-to-day needs. I love you Eric. But I want you to know, this means commitment to me. If I move in, I plan to stay."
"I want this commitment. I want you to stay. I want to live with you the rest of my life."
With that, we moved into each other's arms in an embrace so fierce it was a wonder that ribs weren't cracked. It was if we were trying to squeeze out years of frustration and longing. I think we both knew that his wasn't actually a point of no return. If the arrangement didn't work out, I could always find another apartment. Emotionally though, after tonight, neither one of would be able to walk away without leaving a broken heart behind us. The vulnerability we shared, coupled with the revelations about Eric's family made it feel like it was he and I against the world. It was a bittersweet moment we would never forget.
I began the next day moving my things to Eric's house - our house. Eric chided me if I didn't refer to it that way. There was no hurry. I don't believe that we thought of the time until my lease was up as a trial period. Events to come would make that question immaterial.
The next morning in the office, Loren instantly knew something was different. I hate being that transparent.
"OK chief, something's different. Spill it."
"Loren, not that it's any of your business, but I'm moving in with Eric," I said trying to pout and keep the biggest grin from breaking out on my face.
"Congratulations, Steve. I'm happy for you. I know this is what you wanted. And what do you mean, none of my business? As your secretary, I need to know how to get in contact with you."
"Thanks, Loren. It isn't that I didn't want you to know. Hell, I want the whole world to know. It's that it only happened last night. We probably need some time to adjust before everyone starts reacting to the news."
"Well you know my lips are sealed."
"Thanks. I've never doubted your loyalty. By the way, how are things going with Larry?"
"Oh - ah chief, by the way, if you need to reach me after hours, I'm staying at Larry's."
"Now the truth comes out. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, or something like that."
Loren smiled at my little gender slip.
"Larry and I are very happy. I still have trouble believing he really loves me. I hope he can be patient enough to deal with my insecurities."
"Larry is a good man, Loren. I'm sure he will give it his all."
"I guess a person can't ask for more than that. I offered to tone down my wardrobe. I don't want to be an embarrassment to him."
"What did he say to that?"
"He said not to change one g-damn thing."
"Good for him. You know, the more I know about Larry, the more I like him."
"That makes two of us."
We both started to giggle. I'm glad no one came into the office. I'm sure we were quite a sight. The last several months had brought so many significant developments for both Loren and me. Together we had forged a friendship that was more important that either one of us could describe. We eventually got ourselves under control and back to work. Several times during the day, however, we would look at each other and begin to snicker. It was truly a wonderful day. When Larry came to pick up Loren for lunch, he shook his head as we both dissolved in another fit of laughter over nothing.
During the lunch hour, the phone rang. I don't always answer it when Loren is gone, but for some reason, this time I did.
"Metropolitan Church, this is Steve."
"Rev. Williams, this is Beverly Carlisle, Bob Carlisle's wife."
"Yes Beverly. What can I do for you?"
"It's about Bob. He's in jail, you know."
"I truthfully hadn't heard anything lately."
"They have him on suicide watch. He's very depressed. He didn't want me to make bail. I don't think I could bring him home anyway, not with Brad here."
"Beverly, what do you want me to do?"
"I have no right to ask you to do anything."
"Let's not worry about that right now. You have a lot on your hands. What would you like for me to do? Do you want me to visit him in jail?"
"Would you really do that?"
"Do you think he would see me?"
"I think he might. He feels like he has lost everything."
"I'll go by and see him. I can't make any promises. Even if he sees me, he may not be very receptive."
"Oh bless you."
"How is Brad doing?"
"He seems to have good days and bad days. He's still seeing a counselor and we're coming to the meetings at the church."
"Very good. Hang in there, Beverly. I know this is difficult, but hold onto the hope. Sometimes it's all we have."
"Thank you, Rev. Williams. Thank you."
I had no difficulty going to see Bob Carlisle, but I knew there would be several other people who weren't fond of the idea. I had visited people in jail before. It's an eerie feeling hearing the door shut and lock behind you. Bob was willing to see me. I was taken to a visitation room and a guard brought him in and sat down several feet away from us. No glass partition separating us. I hoped the rage that drove him to shoot me had subsided.
"Hello Bob."
"Hello Rev. Williams. I'd have to say I'm surprised to see you here."
"Your wife called and said you were depressed, so I came."
"You really are a do-gooder aren't you?"
"It's an occupational hazard."
"Are you here to tell me I'm going to hell."
"I don't believe you are going to hell, Bob."
"Huh?"
"I believe that God loves us too much to condemn anyone to hell. God forgives you, Bob. Even more, I forgive you."
"Is that what you are supposed to say?"
"It's what I believe."
"What makes you so forgiving?"
"I've never shot anyone, but believe me, I've done plenty of things wrong."
"I wanted to kill you. How do you forgive that?"
"Actually it's easier to forgive you that than if you had tried to kill someone I love. A drunk driver killed my wife and my two sons. Him I'm having trouble forgiving."
"You were married?"
"For twenty-five years."
"But I thought you were a - "
"There's a lot about me you don't know."
"I've lost my wife and son. I doubt they will ever forgive me."
"Brad is very angry. The young often don't forgive easily. But it was your wife who called me, remember. She is worried about you."
"She should cut her losses and move on."
"Beverly strikes me as a good woman. Good people don't walk away from their commitments."
"Is that what you think I'm doing, walking away from my commitments?"
"Is that what you're doing?"
"You mean the suicide watch."
"That's one way of leaving your troubles behind you."
"But that wouldn't make me much of a man."
I decided that comment didn't need a response. I had been driving the conversation thus far and thought a little silence might let him take the lead.
"I've boxed myself into a tight corner hear. What can I do," he asked with pain written all over his face.
"Bob, you have eliminated a number of options, but that doesn't mean you don't have any. What's the most important thing you want to do?"
"I want my family to forgive me. Being in here makes me understand how important they are. Do I have any chance at all?"
"Yes, you have a chance. What do you think you need to do?"
"I need to accept whatever sentence I get. I need to tell my family I'm sorry, even if they don't listen."
"They will listen. They may not accept your regret at first, but they will hear you."
"How do I tell them?"
"Write them a letter. That way you can be sure of what you say and it gives them the time and space to decide to read it."
"I'll do that. Oh, and Rev. Williams?"
"Yes?"
"I'm very glad I didn't kill you."
"It pleases me, too."
He gave me a smile, and I had to say it changed his whole appearance. I left the jail, relieved to be outside the locked doors. I was also grateful that the session with Bob went as well as it did. I didn't know what to expect. There was no guarantee that anything would work out for the Carlisle family. They had a lot to deal with and Beverly and Brad were very hurt. I wasn't convinced they would even read the letter if he wrote it, especially not Brad. In my line of work, I often planted the seed not knowing if it ever took root.
I also knew that I couldn't keep my visit a secret from Eric, although it was tempting. I figured he wouldn't be happy about it. He was on that other side of a person hurting someone he loved. Yes, loved. I was really getting to like the sound of that. Might as well go home and face the music.
I got home before Eric, which gave me a chance to open a bottle of his favorite wine. I put on his favorite CD and hoped for the best. He walked in and immediately knew I was up to something.
"This has guilty conscience written all over it. What did you do?"
So much for trying to act innocent. If he knew me this well already, my life was going to be an open book before long. I decided to take the plunge.
"I went to visit Bob Carlisle in jail."
"You what?"
"His wife called and was worried about him. They had him on suicide watch."
"That would save the taxpayers a lot of time and trouble."
"Eric."
"I know, I know. You're going to tell me I need to forgive him. You probably already have forgiven him haven't you?"
"Eric, we forgive so that we don't have to carry around the anger any longer."
"I'm not through being angry."
"I'm OK with that, but that doesn't mean I can't be ready, does it?"
"I suppose not."
This issue was hardly resolved, but we had arrived at a truce for the moment. Enough so that he let me hug him and even returned my kiss.
"I love you, Eric Andrews."
"I love you, Steve Williams."
Yes, we were going to be just fine.
Comments are appreciated. bccccand@netscape.net