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August Sophomore Summer
"So tell me if this is awkward."
Juliana's brows arched up over her dark brown eyes when I said that to shift the subject of our conversation. We were perched side by side on a rock in the middle of a mountain stream, cooling our feet in the icy water near the end of the long, dusty hike we were doing together. But really, we were just putting off the moment we'd have to say goodbye to each other yet again.
"Oh, God," she laughed at the sudden seriousness in my tone. "What isn't awkward with us?"
And Juli had a point. We were exes. We shared a history, one that included many firsts: First person I ever loved. First person I slept with. First breakup that truly broke my heart.
But, incredibly, we'd pulled off the impossible after all of that. We'd managed to remain friends, even as exes and even being separated by distance when we parted ways at the end of last summer to go to our different colleges and my family moved away from the town where we'd met. And Juliana and I remained friends not just because of our shared past but because of our present too. Even through a tumultuous year for us both, we'd never lost touch with each other. That'd made our friendship a reassuring- and a rare- source of continuity in a time of so much change.
"Okay, fair," I nodded in acknowledgement to Juli's laughter. "Maybe I should've said stop me if this question is too awkward."
"Alright, now I'm intrigued," she replied, leaning forward on the rock and sending her dark hair spilling over her shoulders.
"Okay, so I was wondering: did it bother you when we were together that you had to say `I love you' to me first?"
"Ugh," she groaned and sat back up, rolling her eyes at me. "You're in your head again, aren't you?"
"Fuck, I'm sorry!" I exclaimed, flushing with embarrassment and instantaneous regret for spoiling our last time seeing each other this summer with my stupidity. "Forget I even asked."
"Shut up," she laughed, elbowing my side. "It's fine. And the answer is no."
"So it didn't bug you that you were the first one to say it?"
She shrugged. "You're overthinking something that isn't a big deal. Yeah, I said it first. But I didn't feel like I was going out on a limb when I did. I knew you'd say it back to me."
"Okay," I sighed with relief. "Good."
Even if it hadn't bothered her, it had always nagged me that it was Juliana who'd been the braver one and who'd taken that leap first in our relationship. When she did say it to me, my reply back had been immediate, reflexive, and obvious- so obvious that it made me feel dumb that I hadn't already said it to her.
Hearing this reassurance from Juli helped to soothe the guilt I'd felt about my past, but that wasn't my only reason for asking about this now. Pete was going to be here visiting in less than a week, so I was strengthening my resolve about what I felt I needed to do when I finally got to see him again.
"Hey," Juli leaned forward towards me, trying to catch my eyes and keep me from drifting off in my thoughts. "If you've been worried about that, you shouldn't be. Who said it first isn't even what matters anyway."
"It's not?"
"No," she shook her head. "What matters is I knew that you meant it."
I breathed another sigh of relief, feeling a weight from my past lift even further. "Good, I'm glad."
"I'm serious, Max. Don't put yourself on one of your stupid guilt trips about this."
"Alright, you caught me," I said, laughing at Juli's hard-won ability to guess my inner thoughts. "But just, like, one more question about this, and then I swear I'm done."
Juli rolled her eyes and kicked her feet in the water to splash some onto my dusty shins.
"What do you mean you didn't feel like you were going out on a limb by saying it to me?"
"I already knew you loved me because you acted like it," she shrugged. "And that's way more important than anything you ever said to me. I mean, I experienced the opposite of that now with The Asshole. He'd say he loved me, but then he treated me like... well, you know. And-..."
"Jul-..."
"...- It's okay!" She cut off my interruption. "And remember, we're not wasting our time today talking about him, right? My point was that saying it to you wasn't something I ever worried over. If anything, it felt kinda anti-climactic when it happened because I never had to wonder where I stood with you."
I nodded, gratefully, as I heard that about us. But then I also felt myself cringe as my thoughts once again turned to Pete and to all the times I'd probably left him wondering about how I felt. To all the times I'd chickened out or freaked out on him. To all the times I'd held back on him or stopped short of doing something I wanted to do. To all the times I'd never even come close to actually saying how I really felt because those words seemed both monumental and dramatic and, somehow, still inadequate too.
As much of a relief as it was to hear Juli say this about how I'd been with her, it also just rubbed in how far off that mark I'd been with Pete. Damn it, what if he didn't know? What if I'd been fumbling and hesitant with him too many times for him to be sure about me like Juli had been sure? And why the hell had I wasted so much fuckin' time last year?
Juliana reached out and grabbed my shoulder and shook me a little to interrupt my thoughts.
"Hey! Don't space out on me!"
"I'm not," I shook my head clear. "I'm here."
"Bullshit," she snorted.
"I swear!"
"You're still a shitty liar."
"Uhhh," I scrambled for something to say, knowing full well that Juli could always see right through me. She beat me to it though:
"Okay, now you stop me if this is too awkward: why are you asking me about this now?"
I felt myself burn bright red, my embarrassment intensified by my certainty that it was all plain as day to Juliana.
"Okay, you're right. I have guilt tripped myself about that with you because I always felt like it shoulda been me," I paused, letting out a deep breath. "But that wasn't the only reason this has been on my mind."
The corners of Juli's mouth twitched upward in a grin of vindication, and that only made me flush even deeper.
"Do go on," she smiled.
I was sweating now, even with the stream's icy water running over my bare feet. "I've, umm, I've been wanting to say that to someone else."
"Finally!" Juli's smile grew even wider still. "Now we're getting somewhere."
I couldn't take it anymore. "Forget I said anything. This is too awkward."
I moved to get off the rock, but Juli grabbed my arm and pulled me back down into my seat next to her.
"No, you're not getting off that easy. Who is she? Is it Marissa??"
Inwardly, I cringed at the dishonesty I knew I was about to get myself into. I felt like an ass lying to Juliana. We were better than that. But as lousy as it was going to be to talk about Pete in vague, oblique terms with her, actually talking about it would be so much worse. Fuck, just the idea of telling my ex-girlfriend about my secret boyfriend felt like an unfathomable abyss of awkwardness. I suddenly wished that a hole would just open up in the bottom of the creek so I could drown myself in it and end all of this.
I shuddered and tried to refocus my thoughts on how to answer Juliana's question.
"No, Marissa's so awesome. But it's, uhh, it's not her," I swallowed over a thickness I felt in my throat. "And I already ended things with Marissa this week anyway. There's someone back at school."
"Oh my God," Juli grabbed my arm and shook it with excitement. "That's even better!"
"Can we please just drop this?" I groaned, regretting having started this conversation.
"Hey, I'm sorry," Juli said, releasing her grip on my arm. "I don't mean to be an ass. But this is exciting!! I'm really happy for you."
"Thanks," I croaked, but I couldn't meet her eyes in this moment.
"Max, this is great news. And whoever she is, she's a lucky girl. This is a good thing."
"Yeah, I hope so," I mumbled and trailed off, daunted by how little else I could say about Pete right now and chafing at what already felt like dishonesty with one of my closest friends.
"Hey," Juli said, her tone becoming more serious. "Why do you look so worried?"
I opened my mouth to say something in response, but nothing came out when I saw Juli's dark brown eyes studying the expression on my face. As much as part of me wanted to finally talk about Pete with someone besides Tom, I knew I still couldn't do that yet. Not without talking to Pete first.
"You know you can talk to me if you need something too," Juli said. "This is a two-way street."
"Yeah, I know. But-..."
"... -But you're still an idiot about talking about your feelings?"
I winced at the truth in that and dropped my eyes away from hers. "I think I'm learning. I mean, I'm trying."
"Oh my God, for your next girlfriend's sake, please keep it up," she laughed, nudging me with her shoulder.
"It's just kinda awkward to talk about with you `cause... well, you know."
"Okay, fine," she nodded. "I get that."
"And I promise I'm actually really excited about this. It's just kinda new, you know. And then we haven't seen each other all summer, so I've just been thinking about what it'll be like when we're back at school together, and..." I trailed off, not knowing how to finish the thought without actually talking about Pete.
"So did anything happen with you two already?" Juli asked, redirecting me.
"Yeah," I said, clearing my throat and lifting my eyes back up to Juliana's. Maybe if I just kept things short I could do this. "But not until the very end of the year. And even when we did get there, I was kinda, like, an idiot about it."
She laughed again. "Sounds about right. You were a project for sure."
"Great," I winced again. "Just what I was hoping to be."
"I'm just giving you shit, Max," she said, leaning the weight of her body into my side for just a moment. "Everyone is a project in some way. Don't beat yourself up for being human."
"Okay," I smiled at her before turning serious again. "But I am worried. Like, when I think back on things from last year, I don't think I handled them very well."
Juliana's brow wrinkled at that, and I could feel her turning even more serious as she studied my face. "Like how?"
I exhaled slowly as I thought about it. "Like for sure there were plenty of times I acted like a dumbass because of all my faults that you already know about."
Juli smirked and nodded. But she didn't interrupt me, leaving a silence to make me continue on:
"I mean, I know I was fucking dense. And I know I was too slow to catch on to how I felt as it was happening. And then I would always overthink everything, too, and-..." I let out another long breath as I got frustrated with myself all over again. "-... And, you know, all the dumb shit I usually do. But then, I think I was even worse this time. Because when I remember how I acted, I don't know if it would be at all clear how I really feel. And then I definitely never said anything that would make it clear that I do..."
"... Love her?"
I nodded. "Yeah, and so I guess I'm worried that if I do say it when we see each other again, then maybe it would feel like a surprise. And hopefully it's a good surprise at least. But still. It's fuckin' shitty that I probably haven't made it obvious already."
Juliana was quiet for a minute, considering what I'd said. "But are you sure that is how you feel?"
"One hundred percent." I replied, immediately and without hesitation as I thought about how much I fucking missed Pete.
"And what about her? Do you know how she feels?"
"Yeah, I think I do," I nodded. "And I think we feel the same. But we didn't ever, like, talk about it."
"So you're worried, but not because you're unsure about how you feel and not because you feel like you're going out on a limb by yourself if you say it?"
"No," I shook my head. "I mean, I don't think so?"
"But...?"
"But I'm worried I fucked things up this summer while we've been apart," I admitted finally, feeling my body tense as I said it.
"How?"
I gulped down a lump in my throat while I considered how much I could actually say to Juliana.
With only a few days left before Pete was going to be here to visit me and meet my family, I was definitely worried about how he was going to react to the news that I'd spent the summer hooking up with Marissa. But that wasn't the only thing weighing on me. I was also nervous about what Pete was going to think about me having told Tom he was gay without ever asking him if it would be okay for me to do that. Shit, Pete had lived with that secret for years, but then I was so weak I couldn't even handle that pressure for a few months without spilling it to someone else.
Fucking pathetic.
I felt Juliana's eyes on me as my thoughts spiraled again. I knew I had to say something to respond to her question, but that latter problem seemed impossible to talk about in any kind of oblique way. So, I opted for mentioning the former instead:
"I mean, by hooking up with Marissa while I was here."
Juli was quiet for a few moments, her face impassive as she considered that. "Well, if you really are so into your girl back at school, then what were you doing with Marissa?"
I sighed, my shoulders dropping a bit. "Yeah, I know it sounds weird. But this summer is one thing we actually did talk about before I left to come home. And-..." I caught myself abruptly mid-sentence and mentally toggled through all the possible pronouns I could use here without tipping myself off. None of them seemed like good options, though. "-... And they told me I shouldn't worry about us and I should just have fun while I was here. And, yeah, that kinda surprised me when I heard that because it's not something I was expecting or even asking for. I mean, hooking up with someone else wasn't even anything I was thinking I wanted to do this summer. And then even after I got back here, I wasn't looking for it."
"But then you did anyway?"
"It caught me off guard! I really didn't expect to meet someone as great as Marissa this summer, but I just got lucky. And, believe me, that doesn't happen everywhere I've lived- meeting someone I really click with, like I did with you. So whenever that does happen somewhere, it hits me. And, yeah, I'm usually a dumbshit about it, but I've at least learned to be grateful and pay attention when someone I actually vibe with comes into my life."
"But you're not in love with Marissa?"
I let out another long breath as I thought about that. "Maybe, in a way. I mean, Marissa really is great. And we've had a great time together, which has been really nice to have this summer. We're gonna stay friends too, I think. But..." I shook my head.
"But?" Juli pressed.
"But we always knew that's all this would be right from the jump. Just a couple months this summer. I mean, we're heading to opposite sides of the country in a week, so it's not like there was ever going to be a future in the cards for us. But even if that were different, I still don't think we would've been more than just friends with benefits."
"No?"
I shook my head again. "No, she's been super clear that's all she can really handle with anyone right now because she's got a lot of other shit going on in her life. And Marissa was totally upfront about all of that with me too. But she's also kept this boundary about keeping it light and not talking about serious shit whenever we're together, so that's been another thing keeping us from getting really serious with each other too."
Juli remained quiet but was looking at me hard. I felt scrutinized, so I swallowed over the dryness in my throat before I continued:
"But, if I'm being honest, it's not just that. It's me too. I've been preoccupied with missing someone else this entire time. And, yeah, maybe this is kinda messed up, but having fun with Marissa actually helped me realize how in it I really am with someone else."
"How?"
I dropped my eyes from Juli's and listened to the sound of the stream's water rushing past us as I once again calibrated how much I could say to her about this. But no matter how I looked at it, the truth was still too far from anything I could talk about right now.
Because the truth was that being with Marissa after everything I'd done with Pete really had helped me to realize a lot of truths about myself. Like how it was true that my attraction to Marissa was genuine, and the same went for my attraction to all the other girls before her. And how it was also true that what I felt about Pete now didn't mean that my pull towards women had ever been insincere. It wasn't just some performance I'd put on because I'd somehow been too dense or too repressed to realize that I actually liked dick before I met Pete.
But then at the same time, it was also just as true that my attraction to Pete was very, very real. Being with Marissa hadn't diminished that. Even in his absence, what I felt about Pete hadn't faded away. So this summer really had made it clear for me that one pull didn't make the other any less true. I wasn't moving in one direction and away from the other. Both were a part of me.
I was sure of all that now.
And I was sure now in a way that I probably wouldn't have been capable of before this summer. Without everything that'd happened here, I might've wondered if what drew me to Pete was just some fluke I only felt in the heat of the moments we were together. I might've wondered, someday down the line, if my attraction to Pete was just some mirage that would dissipate when he wasn't around or if it was just some temporary detour I wandered down briefly before a bigger gravitational force would bring me back to `normal.'
But I knew, now, what really was normal for me. And Pete was very much a part of it.
But I just couldn't talk about any of that yet.
So instead, I shook my head clear and hoped that I wasn't acting strange enough for Juli to notice when I finally spoke up with a safer answer to her question:
"I guess it's just that the contrast between things made it all a lot clearer in my head. Like, I can see now that stuff here with Marissa was just about having fun and being in the moment but then what I have at school is something that's super serious and fuckin' sticks with me."
When I paused after saying that, Juli spoke up again. "So does your girl at school know about Marissa?"
"No," I shook my head. "We haven't been able to talk all summer, so not yet. But I don't want to hide it when we do get to because I don't want to be dishonest about anything. Like, I am a hundred percent sure I want to pick things back up when we see each other again, and I want it to work."
"How are you so sure?"
"That's kinda what I meant about how things with Marissa actually helped me figure that out. I know what I want now, and it's not what Marissa and I had. I don't want to feel like I'm with someone who's keeping me at arm's length because that's not enough for me. And if I'm being honest, that's something that frustrated me with Marissa- that she wouldn't talk to me about stuff and lean on me more. And if I weren't already preoccupied with someone else, I think I probably would've been pretty head fucked about that with her."
Juliana laughed at that. "Yep, that sounds like you."
I nodded, agreeing. "But I know now I want something serious, even though it still scares the shit out of me to want someone like that. Because that makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, and...," I shuddered. "Ugh, I still fucking hate that part of how this stuff makes me feel."
Juli smirked. "So, basically you're saying that exactly what I've always told you would happen to you when you got to college is actually happening now?"
"Yeah," I smiled, looking over at her sheepishly. "And you can go ahead and say your `I told you so' now if you must."
"Nah," she laughed, knocking her knee against mine. "It's so much more satisfying to hear you say it for me."
I laughed faintly in return, but the other big thing I'd possibly fucked up this summer with Pete by outing him to Tom without his permission still nagged at me as I thought about the week ahead.
I realized I'd been quiet for a few beats too long as I was thinking about that though, and I felt Juli's eyes still studying me. Eventually, she broke the silence that hung between us:
"Look, I know you're too stubborn to just straight out ask me for my advice about what to do when you see her again, but that's basically what you're doing here, right?"
I gulped and nodded.
"Well I don't know your mystery girl or the situation between you two, but I do know you, Max. So I know for sure that you're overthinking things. And you're probably deep in your head right now torturing yourself to come up with this perfect plan for what to say when you see her again, right?"
I nodded, guilty as charged. Fuck, I'd spent basically every solitary moment I'd had this summer playing out conversations I wanted to have with Pete when I saw him again over and over in my head.
"Well, you need to quit that. You're never gonna find the perfect thing to say. And you're never going to be a perfect boyfriend to her either."
"Oh," I replied simply, my shoulders slumping at the sting to my ego of hearing that from Juliana.
"And that's not a bad thing! Max, there's no such thing as the perfect boyfriend or the perfect thing to say to someone. And I'm only telling you that because I think you waste so much of your energy trying to stretch to be something that isn't even real. You're too competitive for your own good, and you run yourself ragged because you always think you have to be the absolute best at everything to even be any good."
"And that's a bad thing?"
"It can be," she nodded. "Especially with this stuff."
"What do you mean?"
"Like when we were together, I know you were obsessed with trying to be the best boyfriend I'll ever have. And sometimes I think you let that get in the way of you being real with me and actually being yourself around me."
I opened my mouth to interrupt Juliana and protest, but the words shriveled on my tongue.
"Tell me I'm wrong about that," Juli said firmly.
I dropped my eyes and nodded in agreement. She was right. I could even remember thinking exactly that during the time we'd been together: I wanted to be the best boyfriend Juliana would ever have because she was that important to me.
"So sometimes I felt like I had to kick your ass to get you to listen to me and to focus on what I actually needed from you and not to fixate on all this stuff you just imagined was something that you should be doing."
"Huh," I said, thinking back on it. "And, umm, sorry about that?"
"Ugh, you need to quit that too," she rolled her eyes. "You didn't, like, wrong me or anything. And you don't need to apologize for shit. You're messy and human, just like everybody else. And that's okay!"
"Yeah, I know, but-..."
"...- No, listen to me: you're gonna fuck up with this girl. Somehow, sometime, you're gonna step in it or say something wrong or make some kind of mistake or let her down. That's normal, Max. And that's okay! It doesn't mean you failed, and it doesn't mean you're a lousy boyfriend. It's okay to mess up every now and then as long as you two can find ways to work through it that are honest and let you both be true to yourselves."
I nodded. "So what does that mean I should do now?"
This time, Juli sighed as she thought about how to answer that. "I think what I'm saying is you need to give up pushing yourself to be everything you think she needs. You don't need to be everything to her, Max. And you shouldn't be anyway because that wouldn't be healthy. All you really need to do is listen to what she tells you she actually wants. And then, whatever that is, let doing that be enough for you so you can relax and be yourself in this too."
"Huh," I said, considering it. "Well in that case, then maybe things with Marissa can actually help me with this even more than I thought. I mean, Marissa definitely didn't need me to be everything to her. And I had to learn to give myself permission to be at peace with that, even though it frustrated me because I felt like I could be doing a lot more."
"Good," Juli smiled at me. "Maybe you aren't too stubborn to learn new things after all."
"I want to," I nodded. "And I really, really don't want to fuck this up."
"Then just keep your head out of your ass and you'll be fine."
"Okay," I said, throwing an arm around her shoulder and hugging her against me for just a second before letting her go. "And, umm, thank you. For the advice I'm still too dumb to ask for."
"It's okay to need help, Max. And to ask for it, even. I mean, that's what friends do with each other, right?"
"Right." I smiled, grateful to still have Juliana as my friend.
It was getting late in the afternoon now though, so we agreed it was time for us to head back to the trailhead because we were probably keeping my dad waiting on us there. I'd convinced him to take the day off and come along with me to the mountains today so he could relax and fish while Juliana and I did this hike together.
When we reached the parking lot a few minutes later, my dad was already there loading his fishing gear back into the Jeep. We waved to him when he saw us, and I walked Juli over to her car on the opposite end of the lot to say goodbye.
Again.
Damn it, a whole year later now, and this still fucking sucked. I knew this would be the last time we'd see each other for a long time, so it took all my willpower to fight down the crushing wave of memories from this same time last summer when we'd broken up.
"Call me," I said to Juliana when we came to a stop in front of her car. "Like I know you're gonna be okay back at school and everything, but just..." My eyes dropped down to the ground near her feet because I was suddenly unable to keep looking her in the face. "You know."
Juliana laughed at me, and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug. "I do," she said, burrowing her face into my shoulder, which muffled the sound of her also saying "I will."
With my arms wrapped around her and her body pressed against mine, I could feel that same old pull I always did when I was with Juliana, wanting to hold onto her and to home and to summer just a little bit longer. The flood of sensory memories almost overwhelmed me, but I pushed them down and let her go.
"So does your mystery girl have a name so I can ask for updates?" Juli asked, her voice not sounding quite as light as she probably wanted as she stepped away.
I flushed at the question, realizing that Juli had picked up on how sketchy I'd been in our conversation. And I was pretty sure the dodge I had to make now wouldn't help matters.
"Yeah, of course," I replied, forcing a smile I hoped was reassuring. "Just let me tell you more when there's more to report, okay? I don't wanna jinx it."
"Okay," she smiled. "Good luck."
Juliana leaned up and kissed me on the cheek one last time. I grabbed one of her hands in mine and squeezed it before letting her go.
As Juliana drove off in her car, I turned and headed across the parking lot to my Jeep. But when I saw that my dad was rustling through the glove compartment as he waited on me, I froze dead in my tracks for a second.
Oh shit.
Oh shit.
I realized that if Dad was rummaging around in there, then he'd probably just seen the postcard from Pete that I hid away from prying eyes in the glove compartment after it had arrived at the beginning of the summer. My heart pounded, and I broke into a nervous sweat as I hurried across the dusty lot towards the Jeep.
Just be cool, I scolded myself.
Even if Dad had found the postcard and read it, I tried to assure myself that there was nothing too incriminating on it. I mean, I'd read it so many times over the last few months that I didn't even need to be looking at it now to know exactly what it said:
"Max-
"I get to spend all summer in the most beautiful place on Earth, but all you get is this lousy postcard with a picture that doesn't even do it justice. Sucks to be you!
"I still hope your summer is awesome anyway, and I really appreciate you letting me come visit in August. I'm looking forward to you trying to convince me New Mexico is just as cool as Montana.
"Have fun at home!!
Pete"
When I reached the Jeep, Dad was using some of the napkins I'd also stashed away in the glove compartment to clean off his rough hands.
"Hey, did you catch anything today?" I asked, trying my best to sound nonchalant.
"Yeah, good day out here," he nodded, closing up the glove compartment. "You two have fun?"
Even though I was relieved to hear his question wasn't about Pete's postcard, I still felt the corners of my mouth sink into a frown as my mind turned back to Juliana. "Uh huh," I shrugged. "Just really sucks to say goodbye again."
Dad patted me on the shoulder and nodded. But, thankfully, he left it at that. As he walked over to the driver's side of the Jeep and we both climbed inside, I was glad it was him who'd come along with me today rather than Tom or my mom. Unlike either of them, I knew Dad wouldn't pry and make me talk about Juliana and how I was feeling right now.
As we drove down from the mountains and back towards Las Cruces, Dad and I talked about fishing, about school, about my upcoming cross-country season... about everything but the one question that'd weighed on me more and more heavily with each passing day this summer:
Will you still be proud of me after you know?
And as we talked about everything but that, it wasn't at all helping my nerves to see Dad was wearing the t-shirt emblazoned with the logo for my college's track team that I'd given him for Christmas. Normally, Dad would never wear any new clothes he got right away, keeping them tucked away untouched until all the old ones he already had were worn to shreds first. The fact that he'd immediately put this shirt into heavy rotation as soon as I'd given it to him said something. And today, with Pete's visit fast approaching, seeing Dad wearing that shirt drove home how much I maybe had to lose when my parents finally knew what I hadn't been telling them.
I did my best to be attentive to the conversation with my dad on the drive home, but I couldn't stop my mind from worrying about how our relationship might be about to change forever. Several times this summer, Tom had told me I was being fucking paranoid with all my reluctance about telling my parents. And, rationally, I knew Tom was right that Mom and Dad loved me, but... still.
There were just days left before Pete was going to be here meeting my parents, so it all just felt too real now. Telling them was the kind of thing that once I said it, there'd be no going back. And the paralyzing thing was I really didn't know what lay ahead with my family on the other side of those words.
Yeah, I knew my parents loved me now, but that didn't mean that I knew what they would make of the fact that one of the first things I did when I stepped into my own life as an adult was to fall in love with another guy. Fuck, what if that made them regret letting me go away so far from home for college since this is what I ended up doing with that opportunity and that freedom?
I knew my parents had always had so many hopes and dreams for my future. They'd sacrificed and saved and worked countless extra shifts over the years to make those possible for me too. But I was damn sure that none of my parents' dreams had ever featured me being together with another guy.
So would it make a difference to them if that's the way things turned out for me?
I just didn't fucking know.
Sure, I didn't have any specific reason to think my parents had anything against gay people since I'd never heard them say anything bad about them. But then again, they'd never really said anything about the subject at all. It just wasn't something that'd ever come up in our house. And, really, that probably didn't even matter anyway. This wouldn't be about `gay people' in the abstract for my parents. This was about me. Their son. I wasn't some distant person or a character they saw on the screen. I was their flesh and blood. Someone they'd loved and supported, thinking I was one way this whole time and heading towards a life they could easily imagine. But I didn't know if the reasons they loved me had always just been wrapped up in who they assumed I was and in what they thought my life would be like.
Looking over at my dad wearing that shirt from my college today, I knew that part of the pride he had in me was connected to how I'd succeeded in going down a path they'd alway expected and worked hard to make possible. But would he be just as proud about me going down a path he probably never imagined for one of his sons?
And, fuck, what if my parents thought this was something I'd always known and had been deliberately hiding from them all along? What if they thought I'd been lying to them? Would they be mad that I'd been dishonest with them? And then would they maybe doubt if they could ever trust me to be truthful with them about anything else?
And it didn't even stop there either. Regardless of whatever my mom and dad thought themselves, what if this changed what other people thought about them? Would my grandparents, my uncles and aunts, and our family friends blame my parents for this somehow? Would they think I'd become some kind of freak, something that was dirty and shameful, and then think it was somehow my parents' fault that I'd turned out this way?
Fuck.
How could I do that to them? I'd never done anything that my parents had to be ashamed or embarrassed about before. And I didn't want to fucking start now.
But as nerve-wracking as it was to not know the answers to all those questions racing through my head, and as much as they'd gnawed away at me all summer while I tried to pretend that everything was fine, I didn't know if I could handle finding out what those answers were.
But, ready or not, I knew I had to do this. I had to tell them.
I owed it to Tom.
I knew I should never have burdened him with keeping this secret for me, and I couldn't let him go off to start college on his own with the weight of concealing this still hanging over him. Tom deserved better than that.
So, whether I actually wanted to do this or not, I'd at least come up with a plan for how it should happen. And it all started with telling Pete about everything first.
We hadn't talked all summer, and Pete was going to be here staying with us next weekend. I couldn't do it before that and fucking ambush Pete with the pressure of meeting my parents for the first time and also pile on all the added scrutiny of introducing him as my boyfriend with absolutely no warning to him beforehand. That would be so fucked up.
So the plan I'd developed hinged on talking to Pete first, before I even brought him home. I wanted to have the chance to tell him I loved him, that I was certain of that now, and also to come clean about Marissa and how that'd actually helped me to be so sure.
And then I knew I'd have to warn Pete that I'd slipped up and already told Tom. I wanted to apologize for that in case it freaked him out to have someone else know. Even though I hoped Pete wouldn't mind since Tom still idolized him and was so far removed from anyone else in his world, I didn't really know how this was going to feel for Pete. I hadn't guarded a secret like this as long as Pete had, so I couldn't really understand what it would feel like for him to have control of that taken out of his hands.
Then, if Pete wasn't upset about what I'd already done, I'd ask him if it would be okay for me to tell my parents after his visit was over since I'd have a few more days left at home before I had to head back to school.
As much as I dreaded talking to my parents, I hoped Pete would give me his blessing and that this would be the best approach to doing it for him too. Because even though it might be comforting to me to have Pete there with me when I broke the news, it did seem like it would be fucking selfish of me to subject him to that scene.
I mean, fuck, what if things didn't go well with my parents when I told them? What if they reacted poorly, or at least needed some time to process this?
I genuinely didn't know how I would even handle that if it happened, but I was damn sure that having Pete there to witness something like that would traumatize him even further. After all, I inferred from what Pete had told me about how his own mom had reacted to him coming out to her that he had wounds from that experience that were still only barely scabbed over.
And I couldn't subject Pete to anything that could potentially make those wounds even worse than they already were. I just couldn't risk fucking up Pete's head even more about this shit if there was some kind of scene with my family.
No, as fucking scary as this was, it was something I had to do on my own.
That was the best way for me to do right by Pete and by Tom.
Stll, the other more selfish reason why I wanted to approach things this way and in this order was because I hoped it would help make it all go better with my parents. I figured it would be way better if it happened after they actually got to meet Pete first. After all, that's probably a big part of the reason why it'd been so easy for me to tell Tom on an impulse. He knew Pete. He knew how amazing he was, and he'd seen us together. Maybe that had gone a long way towards Tom being so cool about us when I told him.
Looking over at my dad now as he drove us home, it was so much easier for me to imagine the moment when I'd get to say `Mom, Dad, meet Pete' than it was for me to picture how it would go when I'd have to say 'Mom, Dad, I'm bi.'
One of those conversations was genuinely exciting. The other one was... fuck.
To build up my courage for that latter one, I'd even tried testing it out a few times recently by saying it out loud to Wiley when I'd been out walking him alone. But the very sound of it still startled my own ears, the heaviness of that one word feeling like lead on my tongue and leaving me paranoid that Wiley was looking at me funny each time after I said it.
Saying that word out loud and in front of my family still remained daunting and enormous.
But bringing Pete into their world?
That at least seemed so much easier when I imagined how much my parents would inevitably love Pete too. And if they could just see Pete and get to know him like Tom had, then all the rest would make so much more sense. It wouldn't be like this fuckin' bombshell I'd be dropping on them from out of nowhere.
And of course my parents would understand because they'd see how I'd be stupid not to love Pete... right?
Pete looked good.
So good that the grin that lit up his face when he found me waiting for him at the El Paso airport was big enough and bright enough that it could confuse a sundial.
So good that it was physically painful to only give him a quick bro hug and fist bump amidst all the other people milling around us in the terminal.
So good that it was really fucking hard to concentrate on anything Pete was saying to me when my mind kept racing a mile a minute, wondering if maybe I could find a corner of the parking garage outside the frame of any security cameras where I could throw him up against a wall and do all the dirty things I'd been imagining doing to him all summer long. Like right here. Like right fucking now.
Because I fuckin' wanted Pete.
Even after months of not talking and not seeing each other, it was abundantly, viscerally, concretely clear: nothing about how I felt had faded away.
And it dawned on me immediately that it was going to be really fuckin' hard to talk to Pete and to tell him everything I wanted to when all I could think about was how much I wanted to grab him and shove my tongue down his throat.
I tried to keep a grip on myself as I led Pete out to the parking garage, but it was a losing battle. Even though I knew time was on our side now, fighting that impulse to touch him only got harder and harder. It didn't help matters at all when Pete's shirt rode up a little as he tossed his bag into the Jeep, treating me to a quick flash of his abs underneath. It only took a split second for me to notice the kind of boxer briefs he had peeking out of his shorts and to remember exactly what Pete looked like in those. And then it took just another split second to remember exactly what he looked like underneath them too.
Those memories and the sight of Pete here and in the flesh, hot as ever, had my dick already hard inside my shorts as I got behind the wheel. But still, I tried to stay focused. We didn't have to rush and cram everything into the little time we could finagle to be alone together before we left for the summer. Not anymore.
I could do things right this time.
I could tell Pete everything I needed to, to make sure he knew- like, really knew- how in this I was in case my fucking dumbass had left any room for doubt before now. And then we could go to town on each other.
We had time for all of it now.
But as we both buckled up in the Jeep, I was realizing that my first step today was going to have to be retraining myself to not go fuckin' speechless every time Pete smiled at me because that kept happening over and over.
When I looked over at Pete next to me as I started the Jeep's ignition, I lost the battle once again. I had to laugh at how big the grin on his face was. Fuck, I couldn't help it. Maybe it was just how deep Pete's tan was after being outside all summer, but the dude was fuckin' glowing.
And I was just so fucking happy to see Pete like this.
"What??" Pete asked me, probably confused about what the hell I was laughing at as I started driving out of the garage.
I shook my head but couldn't stop laughing. "I just can't believe you're actually here."
"Believe it," he grinned back at me. "This is gonna be so fun!"
"It's not too weird for you to be around people again?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Pete look out at the city around us as we left the airport and headed towards the highway. "Yeah, this does feel strange," he confessed. "But you know the only reason I'm here is to hang out with Wiley and not with you, right?"
"Makes sense," I shrugged. "He is the coolest one in the family."
"Probably," Pete laughed. "And I'm about ninety percent feral at this point, so it's gonna be a lot easier for me to be buds with Wiley than an actual human now."
I chuckled and stole another quick glance over at Pete as I drove. "I gotta say you look way less shaggy than I thought you would after three months out in the woods."
Pete laughed again. "Well, I did have those thirty-six hours back in civilization before I hopped on the plane here. Plenty of time to get a haircut and look respectable for your family."
"Yeah," I nodded. "But what about before that?"
"It was gettin' pretty wild," Pete admitted, running a hand through his golden blonde hair. I couldn't help but look and notice his rounded bicep flexing as he did that. The distraction almost made me drive into the median in the middle of the highway.
But reckless driving or not, I still grinned back over at Pete. "I bet it wasn't that bad. I woulda liked to see it."
Pete just laughed at me in response, and it was so intoxicating to hear that sound again. We were flirting, and the tension between us was fuckin' palpable. But the best part was we didn't have to be shy about it anymore. We didn't have to pretend it was something else or worry that we were taking things too far. And that felt so fucking great, even if it was making it extremely hard to keep my eyes on the road.
"Hey," I said, clearing my throat. "I hope you don't mind, but I'm gonna take you somewhere first before we head over to the apartment for dinner."
"Oh yeah?" Pete asked.
"Yeah, my mom worked a night shift last night, and I wanna give her more time to sleep before we storm in. So I'm gonna show you my favorite spot I found in the mountains here before we go home."
"Sounds cool," Pete said, going quiet for a moment as he looked out at the peaks towering in the distance before he sat up in his seat a little and continued: "Oh shit, are you just stalling 'cause I said I was gonna dognap Wylie when I came here? You're not scared to let me near him, are you?"
"Nah," I laughed. "But just so we're clear: you are not allowed to steal my dog."
"But it's not stealing if he follows me willingly!" Pete protested. "And I've got some treats from Montana in my bag, so me and Wiley are gonna be buds whether you like it or not."
"Right," I shook my head. "We'll see."
I couldn't keep a straight face around Pete for long though. It just felt too fucking good to be back together again. All my anxiety about the things I was about to tell him seemed so much less daunting with him here, laughing and joking with me like no time had passed at all.
Pete would understand.
Somehow, he always did with me. Kind of like how Pete just knew to reach over and grab my shoulder and give it a squeeze when we crossed the border from Texas back into New Mexico. I didn't even have to say anything for Pete to already know that was a moment that always meant something to me, even if it was just crossing an imaginary line on a map.
I could do this.
I could finally tell Pete how I really felt. And, hopefully, it wouldn't even be a surprise to him either.
By the time I pulled into the parking lot at a trailhead in the Organ Mountains above Las Cruces, it was getting to be early evening. There wasn't a cloud in sight as we set out together on my favorite trail here, one that I'd run dozens of times this summer. The sun was starting to sink into the western horizon, softening the light all around us with the beginnings of the golden hour filtering through the dry desert air. And aside from the continuing struggle to restrain my very real urge to jump Pete and rip off all his clothes, everything was perfect. Just the way I'd wanted it.
We hiked about a mile up the trail until we reached the spot I'd picked out for this where there were some boulders off to the side of the trail. And with just a quick scramble to the top of them, we found both seclusion from anyone else passing by on the trail and some truly awesome views of the peaks of the Organ mountains above us and the city of Las Cruces in the valley below.
This was it.
Just me and Pete, alone together in one of my favorite places at home.
At last.
Pete followed my lead and dropped down to a seat next to me when we got to the top of the rocks, our easy banter going quiet while he soaked up the views all around us.
The silence between us stretched on for a minute, so my heartbeat started to pick up as I suddenly wondered if maybe I was boring Pete by starting his visit with this given that he'd spent the last few months doing basically the same thing.
"Shit, I hope you don't think this is stupid," I said, interrupting the stillness. "I know you've been outside for sunsets all summer."
"But not like this," Pete shook his head, and he was still grinning when he turned his hazel eyes back to mine. Seeing them in this golden hour light, Pete's eyes were glowing with an amber tone I'd never seen in them before. And right then it seemed more right than ever to call New Mexico the Land of Enchantment.
"Oh yeah, of course," I nodded. "I know the Bob has all those old growth coniferous forests. And then the batholiths in the peaks here are pretty different formations from the mountains up there, so-..." I stopped myself abruptly because I noticed Pete's smile getting even bigger as he listened to me just babble about shit that he probably already knew way better than me. He was majoring in environmental sciences, so rattling off random facts I'd learned from Googling the place he'd spent his summer probably wasn't going to impress him.
"Right," Pete grinned, looking amused at my chatter. "It's beautiful here."
I wondered if maybe there was a double meaning to that and if part of what Pete was saying was about me too. My pulse picked up at the thought, and I was suddenly acutely aware of just how close my leg was to brushing up against his as we sat side by side on the rock.
"We can come back and go for a run or a hike on the trails here, if you want. I mean, if you're not sick of being outside all the time."
"Never," Pete smiled even more. I could feel myself smiling back at him in return because he looked more happy and more relaxed than I'd ever seen him. This was the first time we'd ever been together away from school, and it seemed like there was some weight that'd always hung over his head that had disappeared now.
And once again, a few more beats of silence passed by before I realized I should probably be saying something. Pete beat me to it this time, though:
"Max, thank you for having me here."
"Of course," I said, nudging my leg closer into his. The sensation of his hairs tickling against mine sent a jolt of electricity running up my skin. "Any time."
"I-..." Pete began, but he didn't get any further than that because I was already leaning in to kiss him, closing the remaining distance between us and threading one of my hands through his soft hair as I pulled him in.
I couldn't stand it anymore. Pete was fucking here. I needed to do this.
When my lips finally met his, Pete responded immediately, right there with me. And our kiss was long and slow and deep and as fucking great as I'd remembered.
Better, even.
Who knew that something I'd thought about and built up in my head for so long could be even better in reality?
When my tongue slid into the warmth of Pete's mouth and met his there, I felt a tension I'd been holding inside my body all summer finally relax and let go. Fuck, I thought I remembered what it felt like to kiss Pete. I'd even rubbed my dick raw jerking off to it countless times this summer. But doing it again, experiencing it... The memory, vivid as it was, didn't even come close to doing it justice.
When we finally had to break for air after what felt like both forever and not nearly long enough, I leaned back and saw Pete grinning at me. Somehow, he looked even more relaxed now too.
"It's really good to see you," he said.
"You too," I agreed, going right back in to kiss him again.
Fuck, this felt so good.
I'd already been sure of what I wanted to tell Pete today, but I was even more sure of it now. And when we broke for air again, I knew that this was it.
"So your summer was good?" I asked Pete as I panted for breath, trying to just practice talking and putting together words when my dick was already fully hard in my shorts and all I wanted to do was continue making out with him.
"Awesome," he grinned at me. "And just what I needed. What about yours?"
"Just what I needed too. And so good to be back here."
"I bet," Pete's eyes glanced back out at the view around us briefly before returning to mine. "I can see why."
"Yeah, definitely," I nodded. "And you were right. I did need this summer after being away from home and how intense last year was."
"You deserve it," Pete smiled. "You needed to breathe and have fun."
"Yeah, I see that now," I agreed, knowing that this was my opening to tell him what I needed to. "And I, uhh, I did have fun this summer."
"Good," Pete said with that smile of his that made it so hard to keep my concentration. "It's really cool to see you so happy."
Pete started to lean back in to kiss me again after he said that, but I put up a hand to his chest to hold him back so I could say it. It was now or never. I could already tell that if we got started again, there'd be no stopping us.
"Yeah," I cleared my throat. "And I want to talk to you about something."
"Okay," Pete said, leaning back.
"I want you to know that I did have fun with someone else this summer."
"You did?" Pete asked, his eyes locked on mine as he straightened up his posture a little bit more.
"Yeah. Her name's Marissa."
"Oh," Pete replied simply. And that infectious smile abruptly slipped away from his face, his expression sinking into something that was completely blank and unreadable. Pete didn't look mad or shocked now. Or anything, really. Just totally inscrutable.
I could feel my chest tightening and my heart starting to race as I saw that shift in Pete. So, I panicked. And I responded with a flood of nervous babble, wanting to just jump ahead and get to the real point here:
"Yeah, we worked together at the camp. She's a year ahead of us and goes to school out in LA. And she's really cool, so you'd really like her, I think. She's funny, and we had a good time together, and-..." I was sweating now, aware enough that everything I was saying was completely dumb but also painfully unaware of how to stop myself. "-... And we were hooking up."
"Oh," Pete said again, still completely stone faced. "Okay."
"But that's done now!" I replied immediately, wanting to get to the rest of it and maybe, hopefully, to get that smile back onto Pete's face. "And I know you told me to have fun and to enjoy myself this summer and all, but I didn't want you to, like, find out about all that from someone else here."
"Okay," Pete nodded slowly. "Thanks for saying something to me then."
The stiffness in Pete's expression as I told him this threw me off completely, and we lapsed into an awkward silence as I scrambled for how to push past this to everything else I wanted to tell him.
But in all the time we'd known each other, we'd never really had any awkward pauses like this. The pregnant silence sitting between us now was all the more jarring for how unprecedented it was. And as my mind raced through the creeping realization that maybe this wasn't all going to go the way I'd thought, Pete spoke up and broke that silence before I did:
"So why are you telling me?" he asked.
"I wanted you to know that..." I started, feeling myself fumbling the ball in slow motion but unable to stop it. "... That stuff with Marissa made me figure a lot of things out."
"You can just tell me," Pete said softly, his face still blank and unreadable as he dropped his eyes from mine to somewhere near my chest. "It's okay."
Fuck, I wanted to tell him. I was trying to get there.
"And I want you to know that I really don't want that to change things with us."
"You don't?" Pete asked, and the tension I'd seen in his shoulders finally released a bit as he lifted his eyes back up to mine.
"No, I mean, not if... Not unless, like, you're mad that I did that. And I really hope you're not 'cause you said it was okay for me to," I said, reaching for him and putting my hand on his leg above his knee. "Because I do still want you and me too..."
Pete's eyes had wandered down to my hand on his knee as I spoke, but then he returned them back up to my face as I trailed off.
"Relax," Pete said, his mouth finally breaking back into a smile. "I'm not mad."
"You're not?" I asked, releasing a breath I didn't even realize I'd been holding in. I was just so fucking relieved to see that tension in Pete's face breaking back into a grin.
"No, I..." he shook his head. "I know that you're not like me. And I get it."
"Okay, good," I said, relaxing further. "I'm glad you aren't mad about it. I just wanted to be up front and not hide anything from you. And I don't want you to get the wrong idea because I ..." I rubbed Pete's knee a little with the hand I'd kept resting on it, pausing only briefly to exhale before I took that leap to say something that was so big and, damn it, maybe so surprising to Pete too.
But before I could leap and complete the sentence, Pete spoke into my pause first:
"... - It's okay, Max. That really doesn't have to change anything with us. Unless something's changed for you?"
"No! Not at all. I-..."
"... -So you still want to have fun with me too?" Pete asked, pushing his leg up into my hand.
"Yeah, I do," I said, smiling at Pete, trying to dispel any doubts he might have after what I'd just told him about Marissa.
"So, yeah, relax," he said, breaking out into his full-on grin again. "It's okay. We're just friends with benefits anyway. It's no big deal."
Wait.
What the fuck??
"Uhh," I stammered, reeling incoherently at what I'd just heard Pete say. And then he went on before I could get out anything more than that:
"And you don't need to get worked up about it," Pete shook his head, still smiling at me. "I mean, no one belongs to anyone, right? And we're not even anything serious anyway. So it's cool. I'm not mad."
And as soon as he finished saying that, Pete leaned back in and kissed me. Harder than before.
I felt one of Pete's hands grabbing a fistful of my t-shirt, tugging me into the kiss. His other hand slipped up under my shirt, his fingertips gliding over my stomach and my chest and sending goosebumps over my skin everywhere he touched.
My own mouth responded to Pete's reflexively, reacting instinctively to something that felt this good, no matter how much my mind was racing about what he'd just said to me.
"But I'm glad this isn't going to change," Pete said breathlessly when he pulled back from that kiss.
"Uhh, yeah," I panted, struggling for air. "Me too."
Pete grinned at me and went right back to kiss me again. His hand relinquished the grip it'd kept on my shirt, and then I felt it drop down on top of my dick, cupping me through the fabric of my shorts.
And I realized I was hard.
Fully, painfully, urgently hard because of how good it felt to be kissing Pete, how good it felt to have him touching me again.
And then, even without missing a beat as we continued making out, I could feel Pete moving quickly. His hand battled with the button on my shorts, freeing my dick from its confines, squeezing it and making it throb even fuller in his grip. He broke away from our kiss, glanced around us quickly to check if anyone was coming up the trail, and then slid down lower on the rock and took my hard, leaking, aching dick into his hot, wet, grinning mouth.
Pete was sucking my dick.
And just like that first time, my body responded immediately- fully and indisputably onboard with how much I wanted this and wanted Pete and wanted how he could make me feel.
But unlike that first time, I didn't lose my head in it.
No, this time I was fully, achingly aware of every moment and every detail of every sensation that his tongue and his lips and his hands sent ricocheting across every nerve in my body. And the image of Pete's eyes locking on mine as I looked down at him doing exactly what I'd fantasized about all summer long seared itself deep into my mind.
Because this time, even while my body was overwhelmed by the physical sensations of Pete's mouth working on my dick, my mind was consumed by Pete's words imprinting themselves deep into my brain:
No big deal.
Not anything serious.
Just friends with benefits.
So at the same time that my body was responding, fully, to Pete's touch, all the words I'd wanted to say to him today burned silently into ash on my tongue. And my fucking heart was shattering.
But I still came, hard, in Pete's mouth.
After, I kissed him again and tasted myself on Pete's tongue as I did. And then, I dropped down and sucked Pete's dick that was rock hard and waiting for me. I'd fantasized so many times about doing this again with Pete. I'd even researched online how to do it right in the odd moments I had the apartment to myself, studying porn videos of guys doing this to each other like it was game tape, preparing myself for all the plays and for every move. And I could feel Pete responding to it, too, hear him moaning my name and then taste him blast a thick, heavy load of his cum into my mouth.
I swallowed down every last drop of Pete.
But I couldn't swallow his words. 'Just friends with benefits.' As much as I choked on Pete's cum flooding my throat, I was choking even more on his words. The very same ones I'd used to downplay what I'd done with Marissa all summer.
But, still, I smiled and I kissed Pete after he came, and then I took him home to meet my family. Pete was just another friend from school visiting me. My roommate for next year was dropping in just like Mike, my roommate from last year, had a month ago.
No big deal.
I was a cocksucker now. I was a guy who sucked dick and swallowed cum. I liked it. I got off on it. And I had the thick taste of Pete's cum lingering heavy in my mouth when I finally got to introduce him to my parents.
But for Pete, this was all `no big deal.'
I was in love with Pete. But there was 'not anything serious' here.
Just friends with benefits.
No big deal.
To be continued.