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July Junior Summer
Pete peeled off his shirt and tossed it over to me.
"Hey, what are you doing?" I asked, reaching up to catch the crumpled shirt in one of my hands before it hit me in the face.
"You'll see," Pete winked.
He kicked off his hiking boots and then slid off his shorts and underwear so he was standing completely, gloriously naked on the banks of this roaring Rocky Mountain stream. The mischievous smile Pete flashed me was just as dazzling and just as fucking beautiful as the morning sunlight shining down on us under the big, open skies of Montana.
Pete winked at me one more time before he stepped down into the crystal clear waters of the creek. Then he waded upstream, carefully maintaining his footing on the slick rocks under the rushing whitewater until he reached the edge of a deep pool sitting at the bottom of a plunging waterfall. He took a few more steps forward until he was submerged up to his waist in the relatively calm waters of the pool before he dove completely under. Pete disappeared from my view for a few seconds until his head resurfaced on the far end of the pool right beneath the falls.
"Maaaaxxxx!!" he bellowed in a primal yell that echoed out from the pounding cascade of water falling over his head. Then he dove back under the surface and swam back to where I still stood on the banks.
Pete hauled himself out of the creek and back up by my side. Grinning from ear to ear, he shook the water out of his hair so that the droplets rained down all over me.
"Okay, now your turn," he laughed.
"You're fuckin' crazy," I grinned.
"Come on," he pleaded, tugging at my shirt and pulling it over my head when I lifted up my arms to give him easier access. "It's an experience you need to have while you're here in Montana." Then Pete's smile stretched even bigger as he started to push down my shorts too. "Besides, you can't say `no' to me on my birthday."
"Well, technically your birthday was yesterday. But..." I kicked off my shoes and stepped out of the shorts that were now puddled around my ankles. Pete whistled in appreciation when I bent over to pick them off the ground and hand them to him. "... If you insist..."
I turned towards the steam and charted out the course I would take. Whereas Pete had trudged upstream through the creek to reach the pool below the falls, I decided I'd rather jump from the banks and plunge right into it. So, I braced myself, took the leap, and...
... and...
Holy fuck, that was a colossal mistake.
The water was ice cold. It shocked my entire body the moment I dove into it.
"Gaaahhhhhh!!!!" I screamed when my head resurfaced.
I could hear Pete howling with laughter while I paddled over to duck my head under the falls. I lasted for only a second there before I bolted straight back towards the banks.
"That's fuckin' freezing!" I yelped.
Pete was still naked and cackling maniacally when I reached the solid ground where he was waiting for me. "No shit," he laughed, extending a hand down to help me. "That water was still snow like two hours ago."
My whole body was shaking so much from the cold that I couldn't even reply.
"Here..." Pete said, wrapping his arms around me so his body heat could warm me. "Let me help you."
"So this was your plan all along? To get me naked in the woods?" I asked through my chattering teeth.
"I don't need a plan for that," Pete chuckled, hugging me tighter. "But after six weeks of being away from you, I'm not above using dirty tricks to get you out of your clothes."
"It's actually been closer to seven weeks. But who's counting?"
"Both of us," Pete grinned, pushing me back against a tree as his lips crashed down over mine.
I could taste my own cum lingering on Pete's tongue when I pushed mine into his warm mouth and met his there.
"Happy birthday, babe," I panted when I broke from that kiss.
"The fuckin' best," he replied, pushing his hardening dick against mine.
I reached down to grab onto the solid muscle of Pete's bare ass in one of my hands to pull him in even closer. Even though we'd taken care of our morning wood by sucking each other off here by this stream only a few minutes ago, that hardly mattered. I was already feelIng like I could go again. Seven weeks without getting to touch Pete this summer had been way, way too long.
But Pete groaned and tried to pull away from the grip I had on his ass.
"We've been out here forever already. We should get back," he protested.
"You sure?" I asked, digging my fingers into his ass and tightening my grip on him.
"Yeah, the sooner we do, the more time we'll have alone at the house this afternoon for you to fuck me."
"Okay, fine," I relented, releasing my hold on him. "When you put it that way..."
We got dressed again and then collected all the bottles we'd come out here to refill with water filtered from the stream. And as we walked back towards the small clearing in the forest where we'd set up our camp the night before, Pete kept playfully grabbing at my ass while he whistled the same upbeat tune that he'd been trying- successfully- to get stuck in my head all through this backpacking trip into the mountains behind his family's ranch.
But as soon as we reached our campsite, Pete's whistling came to an abrupt stop when we both heard another sound piercing through the peaceful quiet of the morning: There was a tortured groan emanating from inside the tent that was pitched over on the far edge of the clearing.
Pete arched an eyebrow in alarm, but I motioned for him to hang back a bit as I walked over to the tent.
"Gumby?" I called out cautiously.
Another low groan rumbled out from the tent, followed by my brother's voice sounding much raspier than I'd ever heard it before: "I'm never, ever drinking again."
"Okay," I replied simply as I stood hovering outside the tent's entrance.
There was some rustling inside for a few moments, and then Tom unzipped the door. He looked queasy, and his face pinched into an anguished squint as soon as the bright morning sunlight hit it.
"No, I'm serious. I mean it."
"And I wasn't arguing with you," I pointed out, swallowing back my urge to say `I told you so.' After all, I had warned Tom to go easy on the whiskey last night.
I crouched down so I was face to face with him as he rubbed his eyes. "Are you okay?"
"I think I'm dying," he mumbled. "The light's hurting my head."
"Here," I said, handing him one of the bottles we'd just refilled with fresh water. "You should drink this."
Tom took the water and gulped it down in long, gasping sips. Then he moaned again and slumped back inside his tent, his sleeping bag puddled around him while he buried his face in his hands. Pete came up behind me and crouched down by my side.
"Rough morning?" he asked Tom.
Tom just grunted at that. It took him another minute before he could muster enough energy to look up at Pete. "I'm sorry I'm such a terrible guest."
"No, you're not," Pete grinned. "It's been fun havin' you up here too."
Tom just nodded, and then I watched his eyes start to look out past Pete into the clearing. They widened in alarm when Tom noticed how the tent Pete and I had slept in last night was now sagging in on itself over on the other side of this clearing. "What the fuck happened to your tent??"
I tried, but failed, to stop myself from snickering at Tom's bewilderment.
"Uhh, you don't remember?" Pete asked, his brow wrinkling in concern.
"Remember what?"
"That you kept givin' us so much shit for wanting to go to sleep last night..."
"Yeah, so?" Tom asked, his memory of last night's events apparently not clicking as he pinched his eyes closed again. "What does that have to do with your tent being all fucked up?"
"Well, when we finally did go to crash, you followed after us two minutes later and then jumped on top of our tent while we were inside it."
"I... What??" Tom asked, blinking his eyes back open, looking both confused and horrified.
"You wouldn't stop shouting at us to come back outside to look at the stars with you. And then you decided to just lay down on top of our tent when we kept ignoring you."
"Oh fuck," Tom cursed under his breath, looking back out at the battered tent and then up at Pete. "I'm so sorry, man."
Pete laughed. "It's not a big deal. And it's actually kinda my fault too since I'm the genius who thought I needed to haul two bottles of my dad's whiskey out here for only three people."
"Ugghh," Tom groaned in embarrassment. "I'll buy you some new tent poles though. It's the least I can do to make it up to you."
"You want to make it up to me?" Pete asked, opening up the first aid kit he'd brought over here with him and fishing out a packet of ibuprofen. "Take these and sleep it off a little bit more while we make breakfast so we won't have to carry you down this trail today."
"Deal," Tom agreed, taking the pills and swallowing them down with another swig from the water bottle before curling back up in his sleeping bag.
I got to work making breakfast for us while Pete started loading our gear back into our backpacks. By unspoken agreement, Pete stuffed all the heavier pieces of equipment into our packs so Tom would have less weight to carry down on his back this morning while he was hurting.
Thankfully, Tom was starting to look like he was rebounding a bit by the time we finished eating, even though he was still quieter than his usual gregarious self. The hangover alone was probably more than enough to keep him subdued this morning, but I sensed that Tom also felt a little self-conscious about appearing weak in front of someone he looked up to as much as he did with Pete.
When we hit the trail after we finished breakfast, Pete nudged me to hike in the back so I wouldn't unconsciously push the pace faster than what Tom could handle this morning. He took the lead and kept things mellow as we started hiking down the mountain with Tom in between us.
Out of consideration for Tom's headache, Pete also refrained from whistling that tune again too, so we were all quiet on the first stretch of our descent through the thick evergreen forest. But after a little more than a mile into the hike, Tom finally broke the silence and called up to Pete ahead of him:
"Hey, I really am sorry about this morning."
Pete glanced back over his shoulder and flashed Tom a reassuring smile. "Don't be. It's fine."
"But I hope you don't regret letting me come up with Miliano on this trip after how wasted I got last night," Tom continued. "I really do appreciate you being so cool about me crashing and inviting myself up here."
"Dude, you're welcome anytime," Pete replied. "I just hope you haven't minded being a third-wheel this whole time."
"Nah," Tom chuckled. "I knew what I was signing myself up for. And it's been awesome to have a break from working this summer."
"So you're not gonna let a little hangover ruin your first impression of Montana then?"
"Fuck no. I'm havin' so much fun up here!"
Even though I couldn't see Pete's face from where I was hiking behind them, I could still hear the smile in his voice when he replied to that: "Well, I'm glad you guys are finally getting to see the second-coolest part of the country after New Mexico."
"And I'm just stoked to explore somewhere new," Tom added. "It's gonna be nice to have something cool to say about my summer when I get to see my friends at school again in the fall."
"But wouldn't you already?" Pete asked, glancing back at Tom again.
"Uhh, not exactly. The town we're living in this summer is so small, and there's not much to do there that anyone would really wanna hear me talk about."
"But it always sounds pretty cool to me when I hear about it from you guys."
"Yeah, but that's `cause you're weird..."
As soon as that reply slipped out of Tom's mouth, he quickly reached forward and grabbed one of Pete's arms in his hand. Pete stopped in his tracks and turned around to look at Tom with a raised eyebrow. But judging from the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, Pete seemed more amused than offended.
"Ugh, sorry, dude," Tom said sheepishly. "That came out wrong. I just meant that your definition of `cool' is pretty different from most other people's."
"You mean like the people you've met at your college?" Pete asked before turning back to the trail to resume our descent.
"Yeah, exactly," Tom agreed. "It seems like everyone I know out there is going off on some exotic trip this summer or working at a cool job in whatever bigger place they come from. So I'm pretty sure that everything I've been doing back home sounds so boring by comparison. No one's really gonna be that interested in hearing about my job waiting tables."
"But I've never been bored listening to you or Max talk about your life back home."
"And that's exactly why Miliano's so fuckin' lucky to have found someone like you. I know you don't look down your nose at us."
Pete glanced back over his shoulder again. This time, it was so he could flash a quick smile at me before he replied to that. "Well, I'd actually say that I'm the one who lucked out." Then, Pete's eyes ticked back over to Tom when I just returned his grin, not wanting to interrupt the conversation they were having. "But is that how you feel at your school though? Like people look down on you?"
Tom fell quiet for a few moments while he weighed how to respond to Pete's question.
Tom and I had talked about this subject before as he'd been navigating his way through his first year of college. And I knew my brother well enough to know that this pause right now probably meant that his open book nature was wrestling with his glass-half-full way of seeing the world that always made him reluctant to speak ill about anything.
"No, don't get me wrong," he finally replied to Pete after a few more beats. "I've made some really great friends out in California, so I don't want you to think that people have been dicks to me or anything... It's just that it seems like I'm pretty different from everyone I've met there. And then because of that, there's been times where I feel like I'm from a completely different planet than everybody else around me."
"What do you mean?" Pete asked.
"I just haven't met many people out there who are actually interested in any of the stuff I grew up doing."
"So does that bother you?"
"No, not all the time," Tom replied quickly, shrugging his shoulders to adjust the weight of his pack on his back. "And it isn't always a bad thing either. I mean, it's pushed me to go and try out new stuff that I never could back home, even if there's some limits to how much of that I can actually do."
"And why's that?"
"Because I'm broke as fuck," Tom snorted. "Even with working two jobs. And then with all the hours I havta put in at them, there's never a lot of time left for much else."
"So does that make you feel left out then?"
"I don't think people are, like, intentionally excluding me or anything," Tom clarified. "But, yeah, it does seem like the experience I'm having at college is light years away from what everyone else around me is getting to have when there's all this cool shit I see other people doing that I just... can't."
Pete fell quiet as he thought about that, so Tom went on after a brief silence that was broken only by the crunching sound of our footsteps hitting the trail: "... So don't get me wrong. I didn't mean to say that my school is full of tons and tons of assholes who are genuinely looking down on me. It's just kinda like I'm the odd one out there when I can't really contribute to a lot of what people end up talking about since my time always gets eaten up with boring shit no one ever ever wants to hear about."
"And I take it you hadn't ever felt that way before you got to college?" Pete asked.
"No, not really. It never felt like this in any of the places we lived growing up."
"Never?"
"No, even though we moved around all the time, we were always surrounded by people who looked like us and who didn't have a lot more money or opportunities than we did. So it wasn't ever hard to find things in common with people every place we went in New Mexico. But now college in California has just been... different."
"And different, bad?" Pete pressed, apparently picking up on how Tom was putting his usual rosy spin on things.
"No, I wouldn't say `bad,'" Tom replied quickly. "Like in a lot of ways, I'm glad to be exposed to something different and something bigger than what I'd always been used to back home. I mean, that was the whole fuckin' point of deciding to go away to California for school- I knew that it would be different. But now that I'm actually there and living it...?"
"What?" Pete nudged when Tom trailed off without completing the thought.
"Well, yeah, some shit about college has been harder than I thought it would be," Tom finally conceded.
"Like what?"
Tom was quiet for a few beats again before he answered: "I was ready for it to feel like a different kind of place than I was used to when I got there. And... well, this sounds kinda stupid of me looking back on it now, but I never expected that could mean that I'd end up feeling lonely or like I'm different from most of the people around me once I got there."
"Huh," Pete replied simply. He reached up and hooked his thumbs under the shoulder straps of his pack to shift the weight he was carrying on his back a bit. "That actually sounds like the exact opposite of what I was expecting when I started out in college."
"It does?" Tom asked him.
"Yeah, I was expecting that college wouldn't be any different for me. And so I was also expecting that I'd just keep on feeling like I'm different from most of the people around me because of..." Pete twisted his head back to look at us briefly again. "... Well, you know."
"Yeah," Tom agreed.
"So I always assumed the smartest thing I could do to prepare myself for college was to shut down any hope I ever felt that I might not be lonely anymore once I got there."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I kept bracing myself for everything to just be the same old, same old. So for me, feeling lonely was never the hard part about college. The hard part has been to actually let myself relax and stop thinking that I was gonna be stuck feeling alone forever because there was nothing I could ever do to change it."
"Huh," was Tom's simple reply to that.
Pete swiveled his head to look back at Tom. "What? Are you thinking I'm weird again?"
"No," Tom replied. "You've just always made it look like everything about college is so easy for you, so I always assumed that was the truth. I never thought you woulda had some adjusting to do too."
"Easy?" Pete laughed. "No. And I'd be lying if I told you everything about the last couple of years has been easy. But I'm not gonna be obnoxious enough to go whining about how I think I've actually had it hard either- not when the path through college has just been laid out for me my whole life."
Pete pulled to a stop and turned around to face us after he said that, so Tom and I paused for a rest now too.
"... Besides," Pete continued, the corners of his mouth lifting into a smile when his eyes met mine. "I really can't complain when most of the shit that was hard for me has already gotten so much better anyway."
Tom shrugged off his pack and dropped it down to the ground by his feet now that we'd come to a stop. His eyes ticked back and forth between me and Pete while his breathing slowed and he tugged his sweaty shirt away from where it had been clinging to his skin. Then he started laughing.
"What's so funny?" I asked him, dropping my pack down to the ground now too.
"So I think I figured it all out," Tom replied. "I probably just need to get laid at school."
Pete busted out laughing at that. "Well, I wouldn't say that's the answer to every problem. But it's definitely helped with mine, at least."
"And I was only half-joking though," Tom shrugged. "I think it probably would make me feel better about stuff out there too."
Pete raised his brow at that. "You mean you haven't been already?"
Tom shook his head. "No, trying to date is actually one of the things that's been way harder for me at college."
"Really? I'm surprised," Pete said, now dropping his pack down by the side of the trail too. "I kinda assumed the only trouble you'd ever have on that front is having way too many girls who're interested in you since you're so outgoing."
Tom snorted. "`Interested' isn't necessarily the problem. It's whether they stay interested in me that is."
"What do you mean?" Pete asked.
"Let's just say I've seen a lot of girls suddenly become way less into me as soon as they find out that I'm not the kinda guy who's gonna take them out on big dates off campus."
"So has that happened a lot out there?"
"I mean, it isn't with every girl I've met. But it has happened enough times now for it to feel like it's a thing."
"What kinda thing?"
Tom sighed and dropped to a seat on the trunk of a tree that had fallen down by the side of the trail. "Like, hey, I like you... but only as a hookup and not to date 'cause you're never gonna be able to go to the expensive dinners or concerts or other shit out in the city that I wanna do."
"Hey," I interjected into their conversation. "I think you're actually way better off with not wasting any of your time on any girl who thinks like that."
"Yeah," Pete agreed with me. "If there's someone who couldn't appreciate just doin' simple stuff with you, then going out on some flashy date with her isn't gonna make anything happen either. I mean, it's not like Max and I ever got to go out and do anything like that together to get to where we are now."
"And that's right," I added. "Basically all we ever do is just hang out together in our room."
"But doesn't that kinda suck for you guys though?" Tom asked, looking up at both of us skeptically.
"Not really," Pete responded. "We still have a lot of fun just being holed up together, so I don't think our situation actually compares to what you're talking about."
"What do you mean?" Tom asked.
"Yeah, there's been plenty of times we've skipped out on going out or doin' some fun stuff with our friends just so we can be together in our room instead. But for us, we do that so we can spend time doing somethin' that's actually way more fun than basically anything else out there. But if the reason why you're missing out on stuff you genuinely want to do is that you're stuck working all the time, then I think that's something that's way different."
"Okay, I see what you're saying now," Tom nodded. "And I guess the point I was trying to make about how dating has sucked is that it's just another one of those things that's such a normal part of what college is like for everybody else that they take it for granted that I can swing it too... And then it gets fucking awkward and embarrassing when I can't."
"How so?" Pete asked, dropping down to sit next to Tom on the fallen tree trunk.
Tom sighed. "It sucks when there's a girl I'm interested in but then I havta say shit like, no, I can't blow off a shift and hang out with you today just cause it's a nice day outside. Or, no, I can't go out in the city tonight cause I'm actually almost out of toothpaste right now. And so that means if I do go out with you, then I'm not gonna be able to brush my teeth until my next paycheck hits."
"Shit," Pete exhaled slowly. "That does suck."
"Yeah, I know," Tom shrugged. "And then when I add up all the little things like that, it really does reinforce that feeling I was telling you about where it seems like there's the college life everybody else around me gets to have, and then there's me stuck on the sidelines just watchin' it all happen."
Pete was quiet for a moment, and his eyes dropped down to study something on the ground near his feet before he responded: "So I know it'd be some bullshit if I tried to say that I really get what that's like for you since I've never had to worry about money in my life..." Pete looked back up at Tom. "But I really am sorry that's been putting a damper on your time at college."
Tom shrugged that off as I took a seat next to Pete now. "But didn't you basically just say that you guys are passin' up on a lot of normal college life too since you always havta be alone to be together?"
"Well, yeah, that does happen a lot since we can't have it both ways," Pete acknowledged. "Like if you ever asked me, I wouldn't be able to count the number of times I've decided to skip out on something with other people that could've been fun just `cause I'd always much rather spend that time alone with Max. So I guess if you could add up all of those little things for us, then it probably does mean we're having a pretty different experience at college from everyone around us too."
"And does that bother you?" Tom prodded. "Like, do you feel like you're missin' out by having to keep everything to yourselves?"
Pete's eyes dropped down to the ground again, and he was quiet for a few moments as he considered that.
"Honestly? I really don't give a fuck about going to parties and all the other `normal' college shit that seems like it's so important to a lot of people."
"No?" Tom asked, arching an eyebrow skeptically at that response from Pete.
"Really, no," Pete shook his head and looked back up at Tom. "And maybe that's another way that I am weird, but this is actually one of the things Max and I bonded over early on when we met."
"Yeah, true story," I affirmed when Tom's eyes looked over to me with a silent question.
Pete nodded in agreement and then continued: "Like, I already don't remember, and don't care, about which parties I did or did not make it to last year. But then when I think about all the things I've been doing with Max instead and about how that makes me feel...? God, that's life shit. It's stuff that I know I'm never, ever gonna forget. So no joke, even though our time in college probably does look different from basically everyone else around us, I wouldn't trade it for anything."
Tom looked over to me, so I just shrugged and answered another unspoken question from him: "Yeah, same."
"Well, then I'm glad that you're doin' shit that makes you both happy," Tom smiled. "But I think what I was actually wondering was if it ever bothers you guys that nobody else around you knows about you two?"
Pete snorted under his breath at that question, so this time it was me who raised an eyebrow at him.
"You know what?" Pete smiled at Tom. "If you'd asked me that before this weekend, I probably would've said `no.' But now I'm not so sure anymore."
"What do you mean?" Tom asked.
"I honestly haven't felt like keeping it to ourselves was that big a deal." Pete leaned back and stretched out his legs in front of him. "I mean, being quiet about this shit is so normal for me that I hardly even notice myself thinking about it. I've been way, way more focused on what's felt different since we got together."
"Which is what?" Tom nudged.
"That I actually get to be myself with Max," Pete smiled, reaching over and putting one of his hands on my knee. "You gotta believe me when I say that being able to finally have that with him feels awesome enough to make me happier than I ever thought I could be. And so I think about that way more than any of the shit that goes along with keeping it quiet now that we're together. But then with havin' you up here with us this week too...?"
"What??" Tom's brow raised in alarm. "You miss having your time alone now that you realize how fuckin' awkward it can be to have a third wheel hanging around?"
"No, dude," Pete looked straight at Tom and leveled his eyes with his now. "It's like the complete opposite of that. It's been so great having you here with us."
"Really?" Tom's shoulders relaxed in relief.
"Shit," Pete's smile stretched even wider. "This is the first time Max and I have ever gotten to be together, like, out loud and in front of someone else. And it feels... really, really fuckin' nice."
Tom looked over at me again after Pete said that. "Yeah," I nodded. "Agreed."
"Good," Tom grinned, as he turned back to Pete. "I'm glad I haven't fucked up your birthday by crashing it."
"Not at all. I'm so glad that you're here. And you're letting me experience something I never have before."
"I am?"
"Yeah, this week I'm getting to feel like I can actually let my guard down in front of someone else. And I've never had that feeling even once at school since Max and I got started."
"No?"
"No, never," Pete shook his head ruefully, glancing back at me quickly. "I mean, whenever we're in the same room together or whenever I talk about Max, I can't ever let myself relax completely. Some part of my mind always has to be on alert, thinking about whether I might be doing too much or saying too much so that someone could pick up on it. And so that means I can't ever be fully comfortable except for the times when Max and I are alone together."
"Shit," Tom exhaled slowly. "That's gotta suck."
Pete shrugged and then continued: "But then being around you feels so different. It's like there's been this big weight lifted since you already know about us. And with that, I'm finally getting to see now what it could feel like to not be worried about this shit, not even in the back of my mind."
"And it feels like a big deal?" Tom asked.
"Yeah, it really does," Pete nodded. "It feels like I get to actually just be here in the moment for once. And that's making me see how being on constant alert like that probably does bother me more than I ever realized before this weekend- even though I always thought that having to watch my back about me and Max is a really nice problem to have."
"What do you mean, `a nice problem'?"
"I always thought it would be..." Pete looked over at me and squeezed my knee with the hand he'd left on it. "I don't know, kinda greedy for me to ever complain about no one knowing about us considering how long I went on feeling like I woulda given both my left nut and my right nut for even just one second of what I get to have with Max now."
"But, dude," Tom shook his head at that. "I don't think it's greedy of you if you want more than that now."
"Yeah, maybe not. But then even just getting to say this kind of shit out loud to someone right now...?" Pete straightened back up and leaned forward towards Tom. "That's what I meant about it being so great to have you here with us too. So seriously, in case you don't think it's a big deal for you to be here this weekend, it is."
"Nah, dude," Tom shook his head in deflection. "I'm just a party crasher. I haven't even done anything."
"No, you really have," Pete insisted. "Like last night, I actually got to just be drunk and stupid like anybody else for once. And that was just..." Pete smiled even bigger. "So fucking nice. I've never gotten to let go of worrying about what might come out of my mouth in front of other people like I got to last night. And I've never gotten to just rest my head on Max's shoulder when I was feeling tired like I could do in front of you when we were drinking by the fire and looking up at the stars. So, really, I fuckin' mean it. Quit being so modest and just let me say 'thank you.'"
"For what?"
"For being so cool with us being together."
"Dude, are you kidding??" Tom laughed. "Miliano's so lit up around you. And, trust me, he's always way less annoying when he's happy. So if anything, I should be thanking you since I know that you're the reason why."
As soon as Tom said that though, Pete leaned forward and hugged him tightly.
Tom's eyes caught mine over Pete's shoulder and went wide. I reached over and squeezed Tom's shoulder briefly too.
When he pulled back from that hug after a couple of seconds, Pete looked kind of embarrassed about this sudden burst of emotion he'd just let out in front of my brother.
"Hey, I gotta take a piss," Tom announced as he rose up to his feet, apparently sensing that Pete and I might need a moment alone. "Be right back."
Tom stepped away into the trees behind us, and I threw an arm around Pete's shoulders and hugged him into my side.
Sometimes the sudden flashes like this of the emotional weight that certain things carried for Pete still caught me off guard. I'd introduced people I'd dated to Tom before, so this wasn't exactly new ground for either of us. But it was uncharted territory for Pete to experience being around someone as important to me as my brother- and to be here not just as my friend but as my boyfriend.
"Hey, what was that about?" I asked Pete once Tom was out of earshot.
"Just my old gremlin shit getting to me a bit," he sighed.
"What do you mean?"
Pete grabbed one of my hands and threaded his fingers together with mine. "I just spent so long believing that I didn't have it in me to actually be able to make anybody else happy. So to hear Tom say that just now...?" Pete looked up at me and smiled. "It hit me."
"Well, it's true," I replied, squeezing his hand.
"I know," Pete nodded. "And I appreciate how you tell me that all the time. But it just... it felt different to hear somebody else you care about confirm that it's true too."
I leaned forward and kissed Pete, but not for quite as long as I wanted to because there was something else I wanted to ask him:
"Hey, before Tom gets back..."
"Yeah?"
"What you were just saying to him...? Does that mean this weekend's changed your mind about telling people about us?"
Pete's smile dropped a little bit as he shook his head at that question. "I mean, in a practical sense, no. It's not like anything's changed about the actual reality of our situation."
I squeezed Pete's hand in mine again. "Yeah, I guess not," I sighed.
"But this whole thing with Tom being here with us is making me way, way more excited about the day when we can actually do something to change that shit."
"Yeah," I nodded. "And same here."
Pete leaned forward and kissed me again. But then this time it was the deliberately noisy sound of Tom's approaching footsteps that cut our kiss short.
"Ughh," Tom groaned loudly to announce his presence. "Get a room, you two."
I flashed a middle finger up at my brother as I replied: "Remember, we tried to last night. And then you broke it."
I rose up to my feet when Tom took his seat on the fallen tree next to Pete again. "I gotta piss before we get started again too," I said before stepping away into the trees.
When I returned a minute later, the first thing I overheard in their conversation was a question from Pete:
"So then how was it for you when Max told you?"
"A shock," Tom replied simply, looking up at me and nodding as I came back into their view.
"I bet," Pete said as I sat back down next to him. "He surprised the hell out of me too."
"For real," Tom agreed. "Like before that day, I'd legit never even thought about what I should say if someone close to me ever told me that they're not straight... And especially not what I'd say if it turned out that person was my own brother."
"So then when it did happen...?" Pete asked.
Tom frowned and bent forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "I was so worried about saying the wrong thing- especially since he seemed so prickly and spooked about it himself. So I honestly had no idea what should come after I told him `it's okay.'"
"Yeah, but at least you knew to start with that," Pete replied.
"But, to be honest..." Tom twisted his head up to look at Pete again. "I felt kinda shitty telling Miliano that it was okay."
"Shitty?" Pete's brow rose in surprise. "Why?"
"Because at the time it felt like that was a lie."
"Because you weren't actually okay with it yet?"
"No," Tom shook his head and started bouncing one of his knees in a familiar nervous gesture of his. "Because I believed that the world around you guys wasn't gonna be okay with it. I mean..." Tom's leg went still and he sat back up again now to look at Pete more squarely. "Fuck, what little I did know or had ever thought about it before that day had always trained me to believe that shit never actually works out for guys who are gay. Like I basically thought the only two things you could possibly become are a punchline or a punching bag."
Pete laughed under his breath at that. "Well, I know that feeling..."
"Right," Tom nodded. "And so as soon as I heard Miliano say you guys were hooking up, my head jumped straight to worrying about him instead of believing I could actually just be happy for you."
Tom's eyes ticked over to me now. "... And that in and of itself just felt fucking weird."
"What did?" I asked.
"Just having to worry about you at all," Tom replied, standing up on his feet now to stretch his legs. "Because, shit, you never needed help with anything growing up. And so when my head skipped straight into thinking this meant that someone, somewhere was gonna treat you poorly over this, I went into overdrive `cause I also assumed that 'helping' had to mean protecting you from anyone who might ever try to mess with you."
"Well," I snorted. "So far it's really just been me beating myself up about this shit rather than anyone else doing that to me. So all your instincts to try to yell some sense into me last summer weren't entirely off base."
"And I kinda sensed that," Tom nodded. "But then that threw me off too. I mean, you've always had your shit together, so it threw me off to see you struggling with something."
"Wait," Pete interrupted. "You think Max has his shit together??"
"Oh no," Tom laughed and looked over at Pete. "I know he's a mess in all kinds of ways. But as much as it kills me to admit it out loud, he's not a complete disaster. Like I really don't know how to explain to you what it was like to grow up in the shadow of a big brother who never got anything less than an A and who won every race he ever ran... He was just good, always. So I grew up thinking Miliano was invincible. And, well, that's probably why I got so worried when I started to think he could actually be vulnerable to a bunch of bullshit I'd always thought he'd be safe from."
"... And then I was worried that you were gonna stop looking up to me once you knew," I admitted quietly.
Tom just looked at me and rolled his eyes. "Don't be an idiot."
"And I really do know now that this is just my own bullshit talking," I went on. "But I was worried that you were gonna start to think of me as less of a man after you knew too."
"Less of a man?" Tom snorted. "No. But less of a frustrating dumbshit now that you've finally admitted how you feel about Pete...? Yes." Tom shook his head at me and then looked over at Pete again. "God, you seriously have no idea how many different ways I tried to get him to pull his head out of his ass after he somehow convinced himself that you weren't into him when you visited us last summer."
I swallowed nervously.
Tom didn't know all the details about our whole `friends with benefits' farce, and he also didn't know that Matteo was another major reason for the funk I fell into back then. But I'd made a promise to Matteo to respect his privacy, so that meant Tom couldn't ever know about that part at least. Pete glanced over at me and must have sensed my discomfort at this shift in the conversation because he rose up to his feet now to join Tom and change the subject:
"So if you felt bad saying it was okay back then, do you still feel the same way about it now?" He asked Tom. "Like does it seem different now that it isn't breaking news anymore?"
"Yeah, a lot different."
"So what changed then?"
Tom shrugged. "There really have been some cool things about being at college, and one of them is that I've got some buds out there who are gay. And just having the chance to get to know people like that has made me see now that there's some pretty fucked up shit I believed about what being gay is actually like."
"Like what?" Pete asked.
"Like, I assumed that being gay automatically meant you were gonna have this lonely life where you're iced out by your family and there'd only be a few places in the entire world where you could even go to be safe and not all on your own. But now I can see how bullshit that all is. Or at least that things don't necessarily have to be that way for everybody."
Pete smiled. "So you really are learning things in college then?"
"Yeah," Tom agreed. "And it's helped me to see that I shouldn't be worried that Miliano being bi means he's gonna be doomed to some awful life. I mean, as much as it probably pisses him off sometimes, I'm not going anywhere. And you're perfect for him, so he's like the happiest I've ever seen him whenever he gets to talk to you."
"Oh really?" Pete grinned even bigger at that.
"Dude, even Wiley has picked up on it."
"He has?"
"Yeah, he comes running any time Miliano's cell phone rings because he's learned now that that sound means there's a good chance he's gonna get to go out on a long walk."
"Wait," Pete said, his brow wrinkling a bit. "So if you think your dog has figured it out, then what about your parents? Do you think they've caught on too?"
"No," Tom shook his head. "I really don't think they suspect."
"But does it still bother you that you know and they don't?" I interjected to ask Tom, standing up to join them now too.
"Look," Tom shrugged at me. "Last summer? Yeah. I really wanted Mom and Dad to know `cause I thought you were gonna need all this protection from the world that I couldn't pull off all on my own. But then this year, I've started to realize that protection might not be what you even need from us at all."
I looked over at Pete and smiled. "I mean, not really..."
"So yeah," Tom nodded. "But then for whatever it is that you actually do need...? Well, I think we're all gonna be pretty lousy at giving it to you."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because as much as I want to, I don't think I'll ever really understand all the shit that you're living through."
"But I feel like you're trying though-..."
"-...Yeah, but unlike basically everything else, you really are alone in this in our family. None of us have lived it the way you're gonna have to, so who are we to coach you through shit if it ever gets rough?" Tom laughed under his breath for a second. "I mean, fuck, the biggest thing I've figured out in all this time since you've told me is that pretty much every one of the assumptions I've ever made has been dead wrong."
Tom looked over at Pete as he continued: "And that really does make this stuff feel different, to me at least."
"Why's that?" Pete asked him.
"Because this isn't like everything else that we really do have in common. Like, Miliano and I have always had each other whenever we get that vibe from our extended family that we're too brown to fit in on Mom's side but not quite brown enough to fit in on Dad's side. And, well, I've always had Miliano to talk to about shit like that. We can joke about how awkward it is or how, actually, it does sting sometimes, too..."
Tom looked over at me now: "And I'm really glad to have you there for shit like that, you know."
"Yeah, me too," I agreed, smiling at him.
"But then with Mom and Dad?" Tom shook his head slowly. "You and I both know we can count on them to coach us through anything they've lived through."
"... Whether we ask for it or not," I laughed.
"Exactly," Tom smiled. "It's not like either of us ever thought to ask Dad for that awkward lecture about what to do if we ever got pulled over by the cops before we got our driver's licenses. But then it really did come in handy when you got stopped for speeding in Wyoming on the way up he-..."
"-...Wait, hold up," Pete interrupted, raising an eyebrow at me when Tom let that slip out. "You didn't mention that."
"I was excited to see you," I shrugged. "And there was no one else on the road, so I may have gotten a little carried away with the gas pedal."
"You better know it's way more important to me that you got here in one piece than how quickly it happened," Pete replied, giving me a hard look.
"But my point was," Tom continued. "We can always count on Mom and Dad to look out for us through any kind of the shit they know might be heading our way... But none of us can really spot what might be coming for you with being bi. And that's been frustrating for me because I really do wish I could just give you a fucking playbook on how to handle it- probably like how I know it frustrates Mom and Dad that they don't have any playbook they can give us for getting through college."
"Okay," I nodded, thinking about that. "But let me ask you something then: since it was such a shock when I sprung it on you, do you think there's anything I can do for Mom and Dad to help them be more ready when I tell them?"
"Honestly...?" Tom exhaled as he looked back and forth between me and Pete slowly. "I think you're gonna havta just let go of thinking you can do anything to make them ready."
"So you think it's gonna be a shock no matter what?"
"Like I said, I don't think they suspect. But even if they did see it coming, I still don't think that would mean they won't have stuff to process through on their own after you tell them." Then Tom snorted under his breath and dropped his eyes down to the ground. "I mean, I hate to say it, but I know I did."
I reached out and squeezed one of Tom's shoulders with my hand before he looked back up at me and continued: "... And so I can see them having to think through how they'd want to handle it whenever someone asks them about whether or not you have a girlfriend at college. Or if Pete ever comes to visit us again someday, we'd have to figure out whether we tell everyone that he's your roommate or your boyfriend."
"Yeah," I sighed. "I've wondered about that shit for them too."
Tom nodded. "So, I guess what I'm saying is you're probably gonna need to be patient with them `cause they're gonna need some time to think about things they never have before. And, yeah, maybe they're even gonna say something they regret or end up stepping in it at some point like I did when I just assumed that you being with Pete automatically meant you were gay as if being bi couldn't be a real thing too."
"Well, you're not the only one who had to get over thinking that way," I conceded.
"So, whenever you do it," Tom continued. "Just be ready to give them some time to figure some shit out for themselves. But I know they'll get there sooner or later because there's no question they love you enough that they'll want to get there."
I was quiet for a few seconds before I responded: "Yeah, but it just never seems like it's a good time to bring it up, ya know? Like I know for sure I don't wanna do this over the phone while I'm away at school. But then they've both got so much going on this summer. I mean, Mom's already stressed as fuck since this is her first job working as a nurse. And Dad's trying to patch things up with Mom's side of the family since we're living kinda close to them again. And, yeah, we all know that's a longshot, but..." I sighed. "... But throwing a big bombshell on everything just doesn't ever feel like it's gonna help anything."
"But you don't need to help us all the time, Miliano," Tom replied quietly. "You can let us help you sometimes too."
And as right as I knew my brother might be, it still made me uncomfortable to even think about that. It felt too much like being needy.
"I feel like the way I've always helped you all out the most is by not needing a lot of help- like that's what it means for me to be a good son."
"Maybe it's time you let that go too," Tom said. "You're not asking them for more money or to bail you out of jail... It's nothing like that. You're just asking them to be happy for you. And that's really not anything you should ever feel bad about wanting from us."
I looked over at Pete now because I realized he'd gone quiet as Tom and I talked. His face looked a little somber.
"Hey, you good?" I asked him.
"Yeah," Pete nodded, his eyes blinking as he returned from whatever distant thoughts he'd slipped into. "It's just so different... even just hearing you two talk about it like it's an actual possibility in your family that they'd be happy for you."
Tom snorted under his breath at that, so I reached out and smacked him in the arm to keep him quiet. I know exactly what my brother was thinking and probably right on the verge of blurting out:
Pete's family was garbage for ever making him feel like they had.
But I'd already said as much to Pete before, so I already knew that subjecting him to hearing yet one more unsolicited opinion about his dad wouldn't really make anything better for him. The senator's politics meant that all kinds of people had no qualms telling Pete that his father was an asshole. Hearing Tom pile on that bandwagon wouldn't actually change anything for Pete.
Still, Pete seemed unnerved by Tom's reflexive response to what he'd just said.
"What? Am I being weird?" Pete asked Tom.
"No," Tom replied, glancing at me warily. "I guess I just never really thought about what it might be like to not have a family like ours. I mean, yeah, Miliano's a gigantic pain in the ass, but I've never had to live for a second of my life without knowing that he'd drop everything to be there for me if I ever needed him to. So even though I can't imagine what it's like to not havta worry about money, I also can't imagine what it's like to havta worry that there's nobody out there who's truly got my back."
Pete smiled. "Well I agree with you that Max is a gigantic pain in the ass, but, actually, I do know how it feels to have someone lookin' out for me now too."
"Good," Tom smiled. "Because you should. And you should also know that Miliano's not the only one either."
I smiled at that as I looked at the two of them. "So let me ask you both something else then... Does it bother you that I've kept chickening out and haven't told Mom and Dad yet?"
Pete and Tom exchanged a long look as a silent conversation passed between them. It was both cool and vaguely unsettling to see how much they'd bonded with each other in spite of not having ever spent a lot of time together before this week.
"It's not our place to pass judgment on that." Tom replied.
"But I'm literally asking you for your opinion though."
They looked at each other again. Tom nodded. And then so did Pete.
"No," Tom said.
"No," Pete agreed.
"Why are you asking?" Tom asked.
"Because it does affect both of you."
"But not as much as it affects you," Pete said quietly. "And if you don't think it's ever been the right time yet, then I'm not gonna second guess that. I don't think that means you're any less serious about me."
"No, not at all," I assured him.
"But you really can tell them if you ever are ready to go there," Pete reminded me.
"... And when you're ready for whatever might come after that," Tom added.
"Yeah, but does it say something bad about me that I haven't done it yet though?"
"No, I think it just says that you love your parents and care about how they're doing," Pete answered.
"But I love you guys too. And I care about how you're both doing."
"And I'm good," Pete grinned at me. "Really."
"And me too," Tom agreed.
"So you really think I don't have to rush?"
"Nah," Tom replied. "Do it when it does feel right. You guys have all the time in the world."
To be continued.