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February Junior Year
It was late at night when I got back to my empty dorm room, but a flood of instant messages from Pete was waiting there on my computer to greet me:
"Hey
I know you're not there right now
And I don't want to call and interrupt when you're still out with Mike because I hope you're having fun
But I've had beers and I'm kinda drunk and I can't fucking wait to tell you about this
I just did something tonight
I came out
To one person at least
Eddie
I've mentioned him before, right?
The guy who lives down the hall from me. Here from Berkeley for the semester
Anyway, he's cool
And gay too
He came by my room tonight to use my printer
And we were just talking about nothing
And my music was playing on shuffle
And it jumped from Beastie Boys straight to Juan Gabriel
So then Eddie made this joke about how he was surprised I'd have that on my playlist
And I just said "my boyfriend loves this song"
You know which one
That one that you blast when you come home drunk sometimes and sing along to it
It's so fucking adorable when you do that by the way
It's sexy when you sing
Fuck, and now I'm getting myself all horny and distracted picturing it
But the point is
"My boyfriend loves this song"
It came out just like that
Holy shit
I came out just like that
But it felt so natural though
Like I wasn't nervous
Or scared or feeling like I was about to puke
I didn't even think about it really
Because it wasn't a big speech or this big thing
I just blurted it out
"My boyfriend loves this song"
MY BOYFRIEND
And Eddie was so cool
Well, surprised
This thing happened with his eyebrows when I said it
And that's... whatever
But I wasn't really worried about Eddie calling me a faggot or anything since I already knew that he's gay too
Not that Eddie ever came out to me
He's just like out there, you know?
Well, I guess he had told me he's paying for his semester here with money he made from his job dancing at a gay bar back in San Francisco. So maybe that was Eddie's way of confirming
But I didn't plan to do this tonight
I didn't wake up this morning thinking THIS IS IT. Today's the day I finally tell someone
Because I would've told you if I already knew I was gonna do that
But
Babe
I feel like I had to
Because it's been fucking killing me
To be away from you AND to never get to talk to anyone about you
I can't fucking do both
It's been making me feel like I'm about to burst
All the time
So it's like I had to let it out sometime
Otherwise I was gonna go really crazy here with how bad I miss you
So "my boyfriend loves this song"
And I've got it playing again on loop right now too
Holy fucking shit
Max
I have a friend
A real friend
A friend WHO KNOWS
Max
Eddie really wanted to know about you too
And probably a three hour monologue about how awesome you are was way, way more than he asked for
But
Oh my God
It felt so damn good to say it
Out loud
To someone else
I FUCKING LOVE MAX
OUT LOUD
Holy shit
Wow wow wow
Like I can't sit still right now
I'm just pacing around my room all keyed up
It feels so awesome
And like whoa
I love you I love you I love you
Call me when you get back
I don't care what time it is. I'll be up.
I fucking love you"
... I was grinning big time as I reached for my phone to call Pete. And when he answered on the first ring, I could actually hear the smile in Pete's voice too:
"Hey!!"
March Junior Year
"Fuuuucckkk meee," Pete groaned, increasing the pace of his strokes as he jacked his rock hard dick.
My breath was coming quick and ragged. My own stroking was getting me close. I leaned back in my chair, stretching out since I was almost there. But my eyes stayed glued on my computer screen, watching Pete bringing himself closer to the brink too.
With the hand that wasn't stroking his dick, Pete reached for something out of the frame of his camera. Then, it reappeared holding a pair of my boxer briefs. Pete brought the underwear up to his nose, closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply.
"Mmmmmhfff," he moaned, words failing him, just like they were failing me right now too.
"Oh fuck, Pete," I panted inarticulately, feeling myself getting there.
Pete's eyes snapped back open, locking onto the screen just in time for him to see the first shot of cum rocketing out of my dick.
It hit me on my neck.
Then the next blasts streaked across my chest, my abs, and the hand that was still gripping onto my shaft.
"Fuuuuuuccckkkkk," I groaned out loud, deep and guttural.
"Fuck yes," Pete grunted in return just before I saw his cum explode out of the swollen head of his dick. Pulse after pulse of it pooled and then dribbled down his hand and his shaft.
We were both breathless.
We stared at each other through the screens of our laptops as we each sat there dazed for a few moments.
I was still speechless in the afterglow when eventually a smile returned to Pete's lips. And then a chuckle.
"What?" I asked.
Pete held up the pair of my underwear with his hand that wasn't covered in his cum.
"Seriously. Best Valentine's Day present ever."
I laughed. "I'm glad you don't think it was cheating to just send you some of my worn underwear."
"Are you kidding?" Pete grinned. "I freaking love it."
"And I'm glad," I grinned back at him.
The streaks of cum on my chest and stomach were starting to pool and run down my bare skin now, so I leaned over to retrieve the pair of underwear I'd tossed onto the floor of my dorm room when I'd stripped down for Pete. But when I lifted them up and was about to use them to wipe myself off, Pete called out in protest:
"Hey, don't! Leave it."
"But I'm a mess though."
"Nah, you look good like that. I love how much you always shoot."
I rolled my eyes as I responded: "Have you already forgotten how it's cold as shit here? If I don't clean up, I'm gonna die of hypothermia, naked and wet in a puddle of my own jizz."
Pete was smiling as he shook his head. "If I see you start to turn blue, I'll call in an anonymous tip to the campus EMS that they need to break down your door to rescue you."
"Okay, fine," I relented, dropping the underwear back down into the pile of the rest of my clothes strewn around my feet. "At least I'll die doing what I love."
"Being a smart ass?" Pete asked, arching a brow upward.
"I was gonna say flirting with you. But I guess `smartass' will work too."
"God," Pete let out a long and audible breath through his lips. "I wanna cuddle you so bad right now."
"That sounds so awesome," I smiled sadly at the thought. "I fuckin' miss that part."
Then a yawn escaped from me as I leaned back in my chair again to stretch out my legs. Pete's eyes stayed fixated on the screen at that display.
"Hey, no yawning!" he protested as he watched me. "The night's still young."
I smiled and then shook out my arms before sitting back up a little. "But you got me all relaxed now."
"Good. I hope that helps you have fun at your team's party tonight. You're always in a much happier mood after you get off."
"Uhh, aren't we all?"
"For sure," Pete laughed. "And I'm so glad you got back from work early enough that we got to do this before I go out tonight too."
"What's the plan for tonight?"
"Hangin' out with Eddie."
"Oh cool," I responded vaguely as I felt a twinge pulling at my stomach. My eyes dropped away from the Pete on the screen to look at the pool of drying cum on my skin as I continued: "What are you guys gonna do?"
"Remember how I told you that Eddie won an amateur go-go contest at a gay bar we went to in Zona Rosa last week?" I looked back up and nodded at Pete before he went on: "Well, his prize was that he gets to drink for free on his next visit, so we're heading back there tonight."
"Oh, wait," I said, the corners of my lips twitching up into a smirk. "Are you talking about that contest that you lost?"
"You just have to keep rubbing that part in, don't you?" Pete responded, his face flushing with a little more color.
"Only 'cause it's such a rare opportunity! I don't think I've ever seen you lose at anything, so it's weird to even imagine something that you're not good at."
"So then you admit it," Pete smiled. "You've still been thinking about me trying to go-go dance?"
"Umm," I fumbled, my eyebrows lifting up in confusion. "That's not already obvious from how I've been hounding you to do a reenactment for me?"
"But I've been telling you," Pete shook his head. "It was embarrassing! I got eliminated in the first round of the competition."
"Maybe so, but I'm sure it was still quite the show." I smiled and leaned forward over my desk to get closer to the camera. "And since you're already shirtless right now anyway, let me put on some music for you and then you can just show me and let me judge for myself."
"Not a chance," Pete laughed. "Losing so quickly that night was mortifying enough."
"But if you're so embarrassed about the whole thing, then why'd you do it?"
Pete let out a long breath and sat back in his chair after I asked that question. His tone was a bit more serious when he responded too:
"Because every time I've gone out with Eddie to somewhere gay in the city here, I've frozen up like a deer in headlights at the whole scene. It's like I get so overwhelmed being around other gay guys that I just kinda shut down and forget how to even talk to people."
"I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. Your head's probably playing tricks on you."
"No, it really is," Pete insisted, straightening up in his chair. "And so I'm pretty sure that means I come off like I'm this wide-eyed little kid who's either kinda boring or kinda uptight to everybody we meet out there."
"And so you thought trying to dance in a go-go contest would help?"
"I thought it couldn't hurt," he shrugged, the solid muscles in his bare chest flexing as he did so. "It was impulsive, but I thought doin' something drastic like that might help me prove to myself that I'm not just some overgrown kid gawking on the sidelines out there."
"But why do you feel like you're a kid?" I asked.
Pete snorted under his breath. "Maybe it has something to do with how many guys have called me a `baby gay.'"
"Like they're making fun of you?"
"No, I don't think they mean anything bad by that. But it still doesn't exactly feel great to hear since it just rubs it in my face how freaking sheltered my life has been before now." Pete paused and exhaled slowly before he went on: "And I guess being reminded of that makes me feel like I am pretty stunted. Or, like I'm way behind everybody else I meet `cause I've never even heard about most of the shit that other gay guys are talking about."
"Okay," I said, straightening up in my chair now too. "So all jokes aside then, did it make you feel any better to put yourself out there in that contest?"
"Honestly? A little bit."
"How so?"
"I don't know how exactly to explain this, but getting to hang out with other gay people now has been a trip. Like, it's making me start to wonder suddenly if maybe I'm not gay enough. And that's a huge mindfuck since it's pretty much the exact opposite of how I've spent the whole rest of my life being absolutely convinced that I'm way, way too gay."
"Uhh, babe," I interjected. "Should I point out that you just shot a massive load all over yourself thinking about me fucking you? That's gotta count as being gay enough, right?"
Pete shook his head again. "But that doesn't mean that I've gotten to experience being gay in other ways- like beyond the sex stuff."
"What do you mean?"
Pete pressed his lips together and one of his hands gripped onto the edge of his desk as he weighed how to respond.
"It's hard for me to pinpoint it," he began. "But there really is this whole different vibe when we're out somewhere where it's not just a bunch of straight people or where people don't automatically assume that I'm straight. But whatever it is that's different, I still feel like I'm some kind of alien who got dropped in from another planet and who doesn't quite fit in in those kinds of places."
"But why not?" I asked, leaning forward a bit more.
"I think I don't even know," Pete shrugged. "Which is part of the reason why I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. And I don't think this is just me being in my head about shit either `cause it seems like guys I've met out there pick up on whatever it is even though I can't see it myself."
"So are you saying you feel like you're getting shut out there?"
"No, it's not like that. It's more like everyone else is fluent in this language that I don't understand- except it's not actually a language thing, even though I definitely need to work on my Spanish more." Pete's hand released the grip it had held on his desk, and then he continued: "It's more like guys will tell me that I talk like a straight boy or that I act like a straight boy, but I don't know exactly what it is that I'm doing that makes them think that. And, yeah, maybe putting myself in that go-go contest was a dumb way to dip my toes into acting a little bit gayer, but I'm glad I at least gave it a shot while I'm here."
"Even though you're embarrassed that you lost?" I asked.
"I mean," Pete smiled ruefully. "It wasn't exactly an ego boost to completely bomb it. But pushing myself to do it did at least make me realize it won't be the end of the world if I ever do let myself do stuff that feels like it is... well, pretty fucking gay."
I was quiet for a beat as I thought about that.
"Hey," I said, trying to catch Pete's eyes through the screen. "I'm sorry if me giving you shit about losing the contest has made you feel bad about having done it. I guess I've just been curious about the whole thing."
"Curious?" Pete asked, his eyebrows tilting upward a little.
"Yeah," I nodded. "I mean, when you told me you did that, it occurred to me that I've never seen you dance before. So I've kept on joking about it `cause I've been trying to fill in the blanks now that I've realized I can't even picture you dancing."
Pete laughed dryly under his breath at that. "Well, there is a reason why you've never seen me dance before."
"There is?"
"Yeah, it's because I've never really let myself dance anywhere. So, it's not like you just never noticed."
"But why haven't you ever danced before now?"
"For one thing, I've always been too worried that whatever moves I do have would make me look gay somehow. And you know how I've always had to run a thousand miles in the opposite direction of doing anything that might even possibly give people that impression." Pete paused and ran one of his hands through his hair before he added: "And then, also, I never wanted to try to dance at some party back at school `cause I don't want to deal with all the awkwardness that would follow if some girl who has no idea that I'm not actually on the market wanted to try to dance with me."
I snorted as Pete mentioned that. "Yeah, well, I guess I know how that awkwardness goes now too."
"Exactly," Pete nodded. "So it's not just the little comments I've heard from other gay guys here that's been hammering home the feeling that I'm pretty stunted. It's also the fact that just going out there and letting myself dance for basically the first time in my entire life has me thinking a lot more about all the other things I've never let myself do before now that are probably pretty normal for everyone else."
"Okay, I guess I see your point then."
"And trust me," Pete's lips ticked back up into a slight smile. "You're not really missin' out on anything worth seeing by not being here to witness my clumsy first attempts at this shit. It's pretty fuckin' clear that I'm not a dance major like Eddie is and that I've got a whole lot of catching up to do."
As soon as Pete said that phrase, it summoned up a memory of something else. I dropped my eyes away from the screen as an unbidden train of thought hijacked my mind.
"Hey," Pete said, the jovial tone abruptly vanishing from his voice. "What's wrong? What just happened?"
"Nothing," I answered, shaking my head in an attempt to clear it as I looked back up at Pete. "It's just that when you said `catching up' it reminded me of this dream I had about you a couple nights ago."
"What dream?"
"Just a dream," I shrugged. "It's stupid."
Pete leaned forward closer to his camera. "Tell me anyway."
"Okay, fine," I exhaled, realizing that Pete probably wouldn't let me just skate past this. "It started out with just me outside running- but not here though. It was somewhere back West `cause I was out on a trail in some mountains. And this didn't feel like just any old run though. I was running really hard, like I was in a race or something."
"Okay..." Pete nodded, looking intently focused on what I was saying.
"And then I started to realize why I was running so hard. I was actually running after something, like I was chasing it. So I looked up ahead of me, and then I saw that it was you."
"So I was out there running too?"
"Yeah," I nodded. "But not, like, running away from me. You were just running. And it looked kinda effortless for you. So even though I felt like I was workin' my ass off, you were staying ahead of me and you weren't even breaking a sweat at all."
Pete laughed at that. "Well, this definitely wasn't a realistic dream then."
"But it felt real though," I went on. "And you kept looking back at me over your shoulder too. And I remember you were smiling. Laughing even. But not laughing at me. Just laughing and looking like you were really happy and having a great time. And I remember feeling like it was so awesome to see you like that, so it just made me want to catch up to you that much more. And you kept calling back to me `come on, come on!' like you wanted me to hurry up and get to you too. But I... I just couldn't."
"So you didn't catch up to me in the dream?"
"No," I shook my head. "No matter how hard I ran, I couldn't close that gap to reach you."
I closed my eyes for a second as the feelings I'd had during that part of the dream creeped back over me while I described it now: "And that started to hurt like hell. And not just `cause I was running my ass off. It hurt down in my fucking guts that I couldn't reach you, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how badly I wanted to be with you. But you just kept on running ahead of me and looking so happy. And I kept falling further and further behind until it became really clear I wasn't ever gonna catch up."
"And is that how it ended?" Pete pressed.
"No," I opened my eyes again and focused them back on Pete on the screen. "As soon as I realized I couldn't catch up to you, I was panicking. And then my legs felt like they got stuck in quicksand or something because I couldn't even move them anymore. But you kept going ahead of me. And you got further and further away until I couldn't see you anymore, and then I was just left behind there alone. And that's how the dream ended."
"Max." Pete said quietly after I'd finished.
"Yeah?"
"Why didn't you tell me about this dream sooner?"
"Because I know this is just some straight up stupid gremlin shit. And I didn't want you to worry about a silly dream."
"But it sounds like it was more of a nightmare than a dream."
"Well, yeah," I shrugged again. "It woke me up in the middle of the night. And my heart was racing, and my sheets were all soaked with sweat kinda like I actually had been running."
"Babe." Pete's tone was firm.
"Yeah?"
"You shoulda told me."
"Why? I knew it was dumb, like just as soon as I woke up. So I jerked off thinking about you, and then I felt better and fell back asleep. Honestly, I'd forgotten about it until now."
"But why do you think you were having a dream like this now?" Pete insisted.
"Because I sleep like shit whenever I'm not with you," I answered, a slight smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.
"I'm serious."
"See?" I shook my head. "This is exactly why I didn't mention it sooner. I don't want you to read too much into something that's only a dream. And, really, this one's pretty straightforward anyway."
"How so?" Pete asked, his brows lifting sketically.
"You were happy in this dream, just like how you're happy right now in Mexico City. And I couldn't be with you in the dream, just like I can't be with you right now. Pretty simple."
"But what about the part where you felt like we're in some kind of competition and how it made you panic that you're falling behind?"
I shrugged. "That's pretty simple too. You're experiencing a lot of stuff in Mexico that really is brand new to you. And it's been so awesome to hear how excited you are about that since that's exactly how I hoped this semester would turn out for you." I sat up in my chair a little more and leaned forward towards the camera. "Babe, I want this time to be something that doesn't just feel like it's the same old shit for you. And it's clearly not, and I can tell that it's stretching you maybe in some of the same ways that leaving home and coming here has stretched me."
"But...?" Pete asked, sensing that might not be all of it.
"But for me this semester does kind of feel like it's the same old shit now. I mean, don't get me wrong, it is really fucking different to not have you here too. But then everything else...?" I trailed off and slumped back into the chair.
"What?" Pete prodded.
"It's pretty much how being here at this school has always been," I went on. "So the only big way that this semester has been different for me is that I've just had extra time to do a little bit more of shit I've done already. Like, I'm spending more time with my teammates and my other friends, or I'll stay at a party a little bit later than I would've when I just wanted to come home to you, or I'll put in a few more hours at my work study job or I'll go to this extra guest lecture or something... But it's not like anything groundbreaking anymore. And, yeah, I know getting to be at this school is nothing to take for granted, but..." I trailed off again and started drumming my fingers against the top of my desk.
Pete just waited for me to finish my thought.
"... But when I hear you talk about what you've been doing out there, it reminds me of what it looks like when you're climbing a mountain: the view changes all the time because every step gets you to a totally different perspective on what's around you. But then what I'm doing here is more like what it's like to walk across some flat mesa: the view looks kinda the same no matter how far you go."
Pete's expression had grown more serious as I went on, and now he jumped back in again: "But this isn't a competition between us, Max. You don't havta compare things like that."
"No, I know that, and-...."
"...-And if this is because you're worried that I'm outgrowing you here or, like, growing away from you, I'm not," Pete insisted, leaning forward as he spoke over me. "I love you more than ever."
"And I know you do," I nodded in agreement. "Really. So that's why I didn't want to tell you about this dumb dream and make it into more of a thing than it needs to be."
"But I know a gremlin when I see one," Pete said, still looking concerned. "And I don't want this one to find any kind of spot where it can get stuck in your head."
"Look, I know it's not a competition between us. But I also don't want to pretend that things aren't different for you out there. Because it would be weird- and a fuckin' waste- if this time weren't changing you at least a little bit. I mean, there's so many ways that going away to college has changed me- and most of them don't have much to do with school or anything I've learned in a class here. It's come more from being in this different environment and being away from everything I knew before. And so I expected that this semester would be something that really stretches you and changes your perspective on things."
"Well, yeah, being here has been doing that." Pete agreed and then laughed for a moment. "I mean, I never woulda thought I'd see the day that I'd put myself in a go-go competition at a gay bar."
"Exactly," I smiled. "So I think maybe the dream was just about how I'm happy that you're doing so awesome out there even if I'm still here, running myself ragged slogging through the same place that isn't really new to me anymore."
Pete's eyes dropped down away from his camera for a moment.
"I wish you were here too," he said quietly.
"I know you do," I sighed, waiting for Pete to look back up at me again. "And I think the dream just hurt because of how much I wish I was there with you, experiencing everything you are too. But I just couldn't fucking get there in the dream, just like how I'm too broke in real life to do a semester abroad."
"Hey, but you'll get to see Mexico City when you come to visit at the end of the semester, at least."
"I know," I agreed. "But we're still months away from that."
"Believe me, I remember," Pete replied, leaning to the side a bit so he could tap at the place on the wall behind him where he had a running countdown going of the days remaining until I'd be going to visit him. "And I've already got way more that I want to show you while you're here than we'll have time for."
"I really am glad that you love it there so much," I smiled. "Seriously. It just surprises me that you might be kind of a city person after all."
"And that's surprised me too," Pete laughed. "But I promise it's actually cool here. Way better than DC anyway."
"Good," I nodded. "Though I gotta admit when I hear you talk about how great it is there, I do wonder how much of it is that you like being in Mexico City and how much of it is that you just like being able to be out and having a friend who's gay like Eddie."
Pete shrugged his shoulders. "Well maybe it's both?"
"Sounds like it's probably both to me," I agreed.
"So is that what this is about?" Pete asked, the seriousness creeping back into his voice. "Are you jealous of Eddie?"
I laughed as Pete's question reminded me of something he'd said before:
"Well, you did describe Eddie to me as `not busted looking.' And seeing as how that's the closest I've ever heard you come to actually admitting that you think any guy other than me is attractive, I kinda have to assume that means he's like the hottest dude on the planet."
"And there it is," Pete rolled his eyes at me. "Your competitive streak again."
I shrugged again, but I was laughing too.
"Okay," Pete smiled. "I'll admit that was probably a dumb way for me to put it. But I just didn't want to lie to you, and you'll get to meet Eddie and see for yourself when you come here. But trust me, babe, you've got nothing to worry about. I'm not trying to get into his pants. And even if I were, I'm really not Eddie's type anyway."
"I do believe you," I said, leaning back in towards the camera. "Really. But it is different for you to have another friend now who you're close with besides just me, so I've actually been thinking way more about that part."
"Which part?" Pete asked.
"If maybe I'm jealous of Eddie because you guys have become real friends."
"And what do you think?" Pete raised an eyebrow skeptically. "You can tell me if you are."
"No," I shook my head and held up my hands. "Honest to God, I'm not jealous of Eddie in that way either. I think I'm just envious of you guys."
Pete's brow wrinkled in confusion. "But isn't that just two ways of saying the same thing though?"
"It's really not... Or, I don't think so anyway."
"So what's the difference then?"
"Jealousy is something that's fuckin' ugly," I began. "So that would be like if I hated Eddie and hated the fact that you're getting close with him because I want you all to myself. But that's not how I feel. At all. I'm glad that you've made a real friend out there. And I think it's even better that your friend is someone who's gay who you can talk to about that shit finally." I tried to lock eyes with Pete through the screen so he'd know how serious I was. "I've actually wished you could have something like that for a long time, so it's cool that it's finally happening."
"So then what do you mean by envious?"
"It means that hearing you talk about Eddie and all the stuff you've gotten to do with him is making me realize how much I wish that I had a friend like that too."
"But you've at least got Tom, right?"
"Yeah, I do," I agreed quickly. "And I don't think I'd make it through this semester either if I didn't have him to listen to me talk about how much I fucking miss you. But Tom's also my brother. And he's straight. So that means there's shit that I don't think I'm ever gonna go into with him." I paused and laughed under my breath for a second as I thought about this. "Like I'm never gonna go and ask my little brother if he knows a kind of lube we could switch to that wouldn't leave stains all over our sheets every time we fuck, you know?"
Pete laughed at that example too. "Right."
"So there's a lot of shit like that that I imagine you and Eddie probably get to talk about now that I'm just never gonna bring up with Tom." I leaned back now and exhaled a slow breath. "But it's not just that either."
"So what else then?"
"It's the shit you're actually going out and doing together with Eddie now too," I continued. "Like you're in this big city and you get to go out and hang out around other gay people sometimes... which you know isn't even an option here in this town, even if we were out. So I guess hearing about it secondhand is making me feel envious of you that you get to try out shit like that there because I still don't even know if I'd like doing that kinda thing or not. But then hearing about it from you has got me curious to at least try it. And I think I'm also a bit envious of Eddie that he gets to be there with you to see you trying all this stuff for the first time."
"Why?" Pete asked.
"Probably because I've been there for so many of your other firsts, and I feel really honored that I've gotten to be a part of that with you. So not being there for things like your first gay friend or your first night at a gay bar where you actually had a good time flips everything on its head. Because, fuck," I shook my head. "To not be there with you for things that have you so stoked makes me feel..." I trailed off when I realized I didn't know how to finish the thought.
"... Sad?" Pete guessed.
"I don't know. Maybe not sad exactly since I really am happy that you're finally getting to do shit like go out and dance without giving a fuck." I paused again for a moment as I thought about how to put it. "So I guess maybe it's more like lonely. Lonely that I don't get to be there for you. And maybe lonely for myself too because I haven't gotten to do a lot of what you're doing yet- especially `cause hearing about it makes me realize that maybe I should give it a try, at least once."
"Well if you want to, we can do something like go out to a gay bar when you're here. And that means we'd get to do it together for your first time at least."
"And that'd be cool, I think," I smiled. "But what I'm trying to say is I don't wish I was out there in place of Eddie like in this jealous kind of way. And I'm definitely not mad that you're doing all this stuff either. I'm happy that you're doing it- and I'm glad that you don't havta do it all alone. I just wish I was out there with you too. And so that's what I meant about how I've been feeling envious but not jealous."
"And I think I get what you mean now," Pete nodded, but then he chewed on his bottom lip for a moment before he continued: "But since we've gotten all serious here, I should probably admit that there's a gremlin I've been having about us being apart."
"What's that?"
"I'm worried about how you're still the only one who gets to see the parts of me that are a bummer," Pete answered, letting out a heavy breath. "And I worry about that because I don't want that shit to become all that you and I are about. And I definitely don't want it to feel like all of our conversations are a huge drag."
"What do you mean?" I asked, not really following where Pete might be going.
"I'm out of the closet here with Eddie and then by extension with the other guys we've met when we go out together too. But it's only in the sense that they know that I'm gay and they know I have this awesome boyfriend I can't ever shut up about. But no one here knows anything about my family. And even Eddie still doesn't know what my freaking last name is. So in that way it feels like I'm still stuck in the closet here too. I've just traded one kind of closet for another, and that means that you're still the only one who actually knows the real me. The full me."
"Oh," I nodded. "I see what you mean now."
"So that makes me worry `cause I don't want it to always be about how things are still fucked up with my dad or all my other gremlin shit when we talk since you're still the only outlet I have for that. I want you to still have fun with me too, Max- not to just always be the one who has to listen to my problems."
"Uhh..." I pointed to the streaks of cum still drying up on my chest. "I'd say we're still managing to have fun together too, even being apart."
"Well, yeah. But-..."
"...-No, I'm serious, Pete." I interrupted. "I don't want you to worry about this. Talking to you is the highlight of my day, every day. And it doesn't even matter what we talk about. If it's serious or just fun and stupid. I love that I get to see all of you because I fucking love you. Period."
"And I love you too," Pete smiled at me and met my eyes through the screen.
"And maybe you should give Eddie a chance to get to know the other parts of you before the semester runs out. He seems cool, and I seriously doubt you'd ever be spending this much time hanging out with someone who was an asshole. So I don't know if you havta be worried about anything bad happening if he knew about your family in the same way that you do with everyone we know here. I mean, you're in a different bubble there, and nothing's gonna follow you back."
"Yeah, maybe," Pete conceded, closing his eyes and running his hands through his hair. "But it just feels so fucking awkward now that I've been friends with Eddie for a few months already to suddenly be like `oh, by the way... you know that politician who's always on Fox news talking shit about gay people? That's my dad.'"
I shook my head ruefully. "And I get what it's like for it to seem like there's never a great opening to drop the bomb. That's exactly why I still haven't had the balls to tell my parents about us yet. But if you ever do want to give yourself a chance to feel like you're not in any kind of closet anymore, then I think telling Eddie could be your shot at doing it."
Pete was quiet for a moment as he considered that. "Okay, I'll keep thinking about it. But just don't hold your breath waitin' for it to happen."
"It's your call," I smiled. "And whatever you decide, I'll get it either way. Fuck, it's not like I can cast any stones on this point."
"God, I get what you've been saying about not wanting to rock the boat with your family even more now too."
"Well just don't get stuck in your head about it like I have been."
"I'll try," Pete agreed.
"Good," I grinned at that as another idea occurred to me too. "And I'll tell you what: if you really are worried about me not getting to see enough of fun Pete this semester, then I've got a great way for you to kill that gremlin."
"How?"
"Just show me your go-go dance."
"Ugh," Pete laughed. "You are so freaking stubborn. I told you `no.'"
"Come on!!" I drummed my palms against my desk for emphasis. "Please. I'm only asking because it seems like it really could make you feel better."
Pete rolled his eyes at me again. "Alright, alright! Enough."
"So you'll do it???" I asked, grinning.
"Yes," Pete smirked. "But just not tonight."
I slumped back into my chair, dejected. "You tease!"
"I've gotta get dressed now so I can go!" Pete protested. "And besides, I want to practice a little bit more first. Work on my game before I embarrass myself in front of you too since I actually do care about what you think."
"Babe," I shook my head seriously. "I. Will. Love. It."
"You only say that because you've never seen how objectively terrible it is when I try to dance."
"I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. You're probably just being hard on yourself like you always are."
"Okay, okay, I'll show you," Pete smiled slyly. "But on your birthday though."
"But that's not until next week!"
"Exactly," he grinned. "I'll use the time to practice. Maybe even get some coaching from Eddie since he's already a semi-pro at this shit."
"Ughh," I sighed in disgust. "So is this the birthday surprise you've been torturing me with?"
Pete's lips stretched into an even bigger smile as soon as I brought up the mystery he'd already been tormenting me with for a couple of weeks now. "Nope. That's somethin' else."
"Come on," I pleaded. "Just tell me what it is already. You're not flying Tom out here again, are you? He keeps swearing that he knows nothing."
"Nope," he insisted, looking even more smug by the second.
"You're both terrible people," I groaned. "Why do I have to wait another week if you already know what it is?"
"Because I like watching you squirm."
"Then at least give me a hint?"
"Hmmm," Pete rubbed at his chin as he considered that. "Well, on your birthday I'll tell you what your surprise is. But you don't actually get to have it next week though."
"I don't?"
"You'll have to wait until you're here at the end of the semester."
"So let me get this straight," I replied, my shoulders slumping in defeat. "No sexy go-go dance tonight AND my birthday present next week is gonna involve having to wait for another couple of months after that?? You are the fucking worst."
"Terrible." Pete agreed. But he was grinning again.
"Awful." I affirmed.
"But I love you though!" Pete laughed.
"I hate you."
To be continued.