Hey everyone! Hope everyone's having a good holiday. Again, feedback is much appreciated on the story, and thanks to those who took the time to write on the last chapter.
Inspirational people: DLS, Matt Hunter, Nsyncgrrl, midwestjames, Dara Lynn, my cats, and of course, 'N Sync and Backstreet Boys. Among others.
DISCLAIMER: Fiction. No knowledge. Not implying. The only thing I'm implying here is that JC is f*cking gorgeous. Damn.
Oh, the story will change from the present to the past, which will be indicated by a large space between paragraphs. Enjoy!
"Ms. Moore?" the secretary leaned over, "Ms. Moore?" Carrie shook herself from her silent contemplation. "Dr. Michaels will see you now."
"Thank you," she answered, and entered the inner office of Dr. Lauren Michaels, who had been recommended to Carrie. The doctor sat behind a large desk, sifting through a folder. She glanced up and smiled at the approaching form. She took Carrie Moore in quickly, noting the determined stride. Carrie was different than Dr. Michaels expected, she was taller and very beautiful. Her dark, shoulder-length hair flowed freely about her face, accentuating her black eyes and pale skin. Dr. Michaels noticed the casual, yet classic style of Carrie's clothes, from her black pants to the stiffly starched gray shirt. She marveled at the way Carrie seemed to exude an air of confidence, a way that made her intimidating and friendly at the same time. The doctor stood.
"Hello, I'm Dr. Lauren Michaels, Carrie, it's a pleasure to meet you." Carrie smiled and shook the doctor's hand.
"Hello, Dr. Michaels, thank you for agreeing to see me so soon. I appreciate your response to the urgency of mine and the others' case. I hope we aren't too much of an inconvenience."
"Not at all, I'm looking forward to working with all of you, but particularly yourself, Lance, and Joshua. The group dynamics alone in this issue are well worth any inconvenience that may arise."
"I'm sure they are, Doctor. I'm not sure you are even aware of just how dynamic this group can be." Carrie laughed, put at ease by the doctor's sincerity. "You may need therapy after this all over." Dr. Michaels laughed, and sat back in her chair.
"Well, I'm willing to take that chance to get to the root of this problem, Carrie. I'm sure I don't need to tell you the privilege of working with these young men, even in this capacity."
"No, you don't. I'm aware of that distinct privilege every time I'm with them," Carrie replied. She glanced about the office, taking it all in. She shifted in her seat, and crossed her legs. "I'm eager to begin to unravel this mess, Dr. Michaels. I can't tell you how I've agonized over this in the past couple of days. I'm constantly arguing with myself over what I could have done differently to prevent Josh from doing this. All the questions, and the emotions. I'm frayed to the point of a nervous breakdown."
"Well, then, why don't we start at the beginning," the doctor replied. "I'd like to know your entire history with Joshua, Lance, and the others, I think it will help me to understand where you are coming from.
"Better get comfortable, Doctor. This may take awhile. I'll try to be as brief as possible, and only hit the highlights," Carrie said. The doctor nodded, and picked up her pen. With a deep breath, Carrie plunged into the past, drawing the doctor into her life, and the day that everything changed.
People milled everywhere, and a cacophony of sounds hit Carrie as she stepped into the large foyer of the Fine Arts building. Moonlight poured in through the doors and windows of the arched foyer, highlighting the plush crimson carpet. Carrie crossed the room slowly, weaving in and out of the people, dodging instruments and vocalists going through warm-ups. The final round of competition would begin in ten minutes, and Carrie wanted a good seat for the show. Not that she was looking forward to hearing the same aria sung by five different sopranos. She thought that if she heard that Verdi aria one more time, she would run screaming out the door.
Carrie paused briefly, scanning for an entrance to the main recital hall, when her eye caught a lithe figure approaching her from the side. She felt his gaze before she saw it, and gasped inwardly when she at last beheld the intense blue eyes that were boring into her. 'Damn, he's beautiful,' she thought. 'My God, he's just stunning. What a body. What a fantastic sense of style, oh wow, and suspenders, God I love suspenders...'
The blue eyes and suspenders stopped about two feet from her. Carrie dragged her eyes from the man's chest and slowly studied the face. 'Holy shit, that's JC from the Mickey Mouse Club,' she thought. Her eyes widened briefly with the recognition, but she maintained her composure. The man's blue eyes sparkled, and he smiled, revealing even, dazzling, white teeth.
"Excuse me," he inquired, "I was wondering if you'd like to sit with me during the show. I heard your performance earlier, and I thought that you'd be the perfect person to exchange ideas with during the finals." Carrie's breath caught at his gaze, and she couldn't help but be mesmerized by him. He stepped closer to her, and took his hand in hers.
"I'm Josh, by the way, and you are?" Josh squeezed her hand, smiling. Carrie smiled slowly, and looked him full in the face, her dark eyes flashing with mischief.
"I'm NOT a famous pop star," she replied, grinning. Josh laughed easily, and Carrie placed her hand on his arm. "My name is Carrie, and thank you for the compliment about my performance earlier. I'm glad that you appreciated it, and I'm sorry that you weren't the one judging my section." The crowd around them began to jostle toward the recital hall, and she and Josh moved with them. Carrie felt Josh's hands on the small of her back, and warmth spread through her body. She led him to two seats in the back of the hall, where their conversation wouldn't disturb anyone.
"After that, we just started talking about 'N Sync, and the voices, and what I thought about how they could all be better," Carrie said, shifting in her chair. Dr. Michaels glanced up from her notes.
"And you and J.C. started dating after that?" she asked. Carrie smiled slightly, and nodded. The doctor continued to write, then paused. "Did you ever feel like something was...different or wrong with your relationship?"
"Not at first," Carrie replied. She thought for a moment. "Josh and I were both busy. I was graduating in May, and so between working with 'N Sync and attending classes I had my hands full. And he was working hard on concerts, appearances, and everything else. Our sex life was normal, I guess. We never really had any problems at first. But then, a couple of times he had trouble...well..." Carrie paused and blushed. "He had trouble with arousal. I just pushed it off on fatigue. By this time I was touring with the guys, so I understood the schedule. I was swamped just with lessons and rehearsals and rearranging music, and that was just half of what Josh did every day."
Carrie stood and began to walk around the spacious office. She paused in front of the window, and stared out for a moment. "Then I caught him in the bathroom," she stopped, hesitating. She bit her bottom lip softly, remembering that night.
"Josh?" Carrie stepped into the dark hotel room, straining to see in the dim light. The line of light from underneath the bathroom door was all that illuminated the spacious suite, and Carrie bumped into the bed before switching on the lamp. She heard a slight noise, and thought, 'what is that?'
Approaching the bathroom door, she lightly tapped, then turned the knob, opening the door slowly. J.C.'s back came into view, and he was slightly bent over the sink, one hand on the counter, and the other slowly stroking himself. Carrie gasped, and Josh turned suddenly, eyes wide.
"Shit, Carrie! Don't you knock?!"
Carrie stepped back, and leaned against the door frame, taking in her boyfriend's physique. She grinned playfully and said, "Damn, Josh, you coulda waited like fifteen minutes, and then I would've been back." Her gaze shifted to the counter, and the grin on her face faded abruptly. On the counter lay a crumpled picture from a magazine, and the blond hair and pale green eyes were unmistakable. It was a picture of Lance, and his smile seemed to light the whole bathroom. Josh followed her gaze with his eyes, then paled slightly.
"Just get out, fuck, just go, okay? I'll be out in a minute." Josh pushed her out the door, and closed it heavily in front of her shocked face. She blinked several times, Lance's glaring smile still fresh in her mind. She slowly went and sat down on the bed, trying to remain calm. She plucked nervously with the bedspread, thoughts racing in her head, thinking, 'There's gotta be a good explanation for this.'
Dr. Michaels gazed intently at Carrie, leaning forward. "What did he say," she inquired, "did he give some sort of explanation?" Carrie turned away from the sunlit window, and sat once again in front of the desk.
"He just said that it was nothing, that sometimes he had fantasies, everyone had them, blah blah blah..." Carrie said. "That's when the arguing started. He was in denial, and I guess I was too. I tried to believe him, and I loved him very much, but the more I thought about it, the more I could see that he was obviously in love with Lance. I knew that Lance was gay, of course. He came out to me right away, the first day we met, as a matter of fact, because he had been out to the guys for awhile. I knew he had feelings for Josh, he had discussed them with me, and..."
Carrie began to speak faster and faster, words cascading out of her mouth. "Lance and I have always been close, he's just one of those people everyone loves, and I guess that I knew deep down that Josh was gay and in love with him, but I didn't want to believe it because I mean....he was my boyfriend, you know?....and I think Lance always knew what was happening, and he just was trying to be patient, but sooner or later I guess he figured I would find out, and I would leave."
She sat back and let out her breath in a rush. "And then I did leave," she said. "Discreet inquiries had been made by Jive Records to determine if I was interested in working with the Backstreet Boys. I was so miserable by then, and Josh was still stubbornly and vehemently denying everything, and I just thought, I've got to get out of here. So I went to Backstreet."
She picked at a string on her pant leg, contemplating all that she had just revealed. She had hitherto only told Brian this whole story, and the pain was still strong. She blinked back sudden tears, thinking that maybe leaving was wrong. Maybe she was the reason he had done this.
"It wasn't you, you know," the doctor said quietly. Carrie nodded, tears streaming silently down her cheeks. "Often loved ones blame themselves for tragedies, thinking if only they had said this, or done that. But Joshua has ultimate control over himself, and there's nothing you could have done."
"I know that, I guess, but I still have this guilt. I've just always taken care of the boys, I've always been there to make it better, right? That's what I do, voice teacher/manager-type/fix-it-all girl. But I can't FIX this...I can't even get Josh to admit he even looks at Lance, much less is IN LOVE with him. And poor Lance, he loves Josh so much, and Justin, he's just scared to death about all of this, and all the other boys too, and Brian..."
"Maybe," the doctor interrupted, "you should spend some time with your own thoughts, then let the other boys take care of themselves. From what I've heard from these other boys, they just practically WORSHIP you. They talk about you like you're some sort of goddess or something."
Carrie rolled her eyes. "I know, sometimes it's a little much. I'm sure people get sick of hearing about it. But we are really close."
"Then USE that, Carrie. Let them take care of you. I know they want to. They've all said so. Use that closeness and that friendship. Talk to Brian, or Kevin. Or Justin, especially. That kid is CRAZY for you. And he's very mature, he can handle it. I don't think I've ever met such a strong-willed man before. Except Joshua, of course. But Justin WANTS you to come to him."
Carrie smiled, and thought for a moment. The phone buzzed, and the secretary announced the next patient's arrival. Dr. Michaels stood and stretched.
"This has been a good session, Carrie. I think that this will be good for you. Go home now, and do something relaxing. These things tend to tire patients out. Go watch a movie or spend some time with your friends just hanging out. It is my prescription for you today."
Carrie opened the door to the outer office, and stopped short when she saw Justin in front of her. He looked at her, concerned, and then smiled meekly, embarrassed. Carrie thanked the doctor, then walked toward Justin, stopping right in front of him, and looking up into his face.
"Hi, Snuggles," Carrie said simply. Justin grinned widely, and wrapped his arms around her. She rested against his six-foot frame briefly, before stepping back. "You have to be with me when I get my prescription filled from today's visit."
Justin paused, and looked at her, surprised. "What is it?"
"Relaxation and fun. Your house, seven o'clock."
Justin laughed, and hugged her again. "You got it, babe. Can't ignore doctor's orders, now can we? I'll see you tonight."
Carrie kissed him lightly, and pushed him toward the doctor's office. "Okay, now go spill your guts." Justin flashed her a sweet smile, then stepped into the doctor's office. Carrie watched as the door closed, and then she headed out of the office into the parking lot, noticing that the sun had come out today after all.
Okay, ya'll. Let me know what you think. Don't worry, we'll get to the good stuff between Lance and JC soon. Bye!