________________________________________________________________________________ I owe my first orgasm to a music video By: Tadhir Mirr
This was back in 2005, when I was 12 years old. I know that might be a bit too late for some, as I later learned from people, men and women, who started much earlier than me, but until this point (and technically still for some months later) I had never masturbated before.
So let me start by talking about my childhood and what was my (non-existent) relationship with my sexuality, my body and why I never masturbated. Because, to be honest, to this day I still feel pissed that I never did it as a kid, because I never got to experience a dry orgasm, and was always less experienced than the rest of the guys of my age. But the thing is, I have no one to be mad at. Could I blame my parents for not talking to me about it? I think it would've been way too awkward to have any of my parents telling me how to masturbate, and for that matter, any person, call it a sibling, a cousin, a classmate, a teacher. The worst part is that I feel like EVEN if someone told me about it, my innocent mind wouldn't have thought about trying it myself.
The thing is I never heard anything about it, not a positive thing but also nothing negative. It was just a concept that didn't even exist in my mind. What I can't wrap my head around is how I spent 12 years avoiding any reference to it, whether it was through some movie, even like a comedy such as American Pie or the likes, or why did I never catch my older brother doing it, or why did I never overhear a classmate talking about it (I think my classmates thought I was too much of a good boy to tell me anything, or maybe they feared I would accuse them with the teacher, or I don't know), anything. I even wished at church the priest or the teachers that prepared me for my first communion and confirmation told me it was bad, because probably that would've actually made me interested in it, but nope, for 12 years there was just no reference to that concept.
Now, it turns out I did get to see the topics about sexuality at school. When my older brother was in 5th grade, my sister was in 4th and I was in 2nd. My mother sat down the three of us and read us the chapters regarding the sex topics from my brother's book, but at 7 years old I thought nothing about it. When I myself was in 5th grade, once again, the same book, same texts. It's just the whole thing was more directed towards sex between man and woman, girls and their periods and pregnancy. The only mention of masturbation was a one and a half textbook definition that went along the lines of "Masturbation is when one touches their genitals and it causes pleasure". Nothing else, no further explanation, it didn't even differentiate between male or female body, that was it. I remember reading that and thinking "I touch my genitals every day when I shower, and I don't feel nothing particularly pleasurable".
And that's the other thing. I didn't really feel anything special whenever I touched down there to wash my parts. I sure remember having erections. In fact, they used to happen mostly if I got out of the shower and stood there naked. In the shower, that wasn't a trigger, because the water made me feel covered somehow. But being there naked outside, was just very arousing for some reason. I would see my dick getting hard, but I never felt tempted to touch it (again, I'll never understand why). In fact, I would do everything from holding my breath to just wiggling it, to make it lose the erection so I could put on my underwear. Go figure.
In fact, a few years ago I had a falshback from when I was 7. This could've been after my mom read us that textbook. My older brother and my cousin were together in the same class, and we were neighbors. Since they were the same age and went to the same class, they were much closer than with me. My brother would spend the afternoons with him, now I can imagine why. One day I needed my brother to borrow me his color pencils, so I went to my cousin's house and my aunt told me they were playing in the attic. The attic had an entrance from the second floor's bathroom. I know, weird. They would pull a small square from the ceiling and some stairs would unfold. Once you were up there and pulled back the stairs to close the entrance, there was no way to get out of there unless someone opened it again from the bathroom. It always was kind of claustrophobic. My brother was 10 and my cousin, he was just a couple of months older than him. The cousin said that he was glad I was there, that the show was about to begin. He had gotten undressed and only had his sweater covering his parts, almost like what sumo wrestlers wear, and started dancing like he was a stripper. My brother was in his underwear, and he was about to do some sort of performance too, but they said that since I was the guest I could go first. I was just very awkward and nervous at that point, and said that I only wanted my brother's color pencils and I needed to go back to finish my homework. I can only imagine the expression I had on my face, because my cousin rapidly called his mom to open the door so I could leave. They made sure they weren't seen. I guess that was enough for them to never invite me again to their afternoon evenings, and I kinda regret not staying, but at the same time, I was just too young. I didn't think they were doing something bad or that I was being perverted or anything, it's just I was very shy to get naked and pretend to be a stripper, and somehow I knew that if my parents or his parents knew about this they were gonna scold us (probably they would've) and I also knew I was a terrible liar so I wouldn't know how to respond when my mom asked me what we were doing. Still, I wish at some other time maybe they told me about it, before being all naked, and explained to me that it felt good (assuming they were masturbating afterwards, to this day I've never asked them about it). But as I said, I can't be mad at them because maybe they also felt bad after seeing me all nervous there.
So anyways, 5th and 6th grades passed for me. Both years we saw topics about sex. The teacher even brought us a cartoon movie that explained where babies came from. All was laughs and whispers, but again, no classmate dared to make any comments with me, because I was considered this smartass of the class, a nerd, innocent boy that wouldn't laugh about sex jokes. And probably I wouldn't have, but why didn't they try me? lol Still, very brief comments about masturbation.
So this is when summer 2005 comes in. I had just turned 12 that June. I already had a short but visible mustache, but I still didn't have any pubes or hairs anywhere else in the body except my legs, which were always hairy since I was a kid.
Back then, MTV was in that transition between the good old days, and the new phase when it was overtaken by cheap reality shows. At this point they still used to have weekend specials where they would play music videos that shared a theme (at least that was the case in MTV Latin America, which is the one I grew up with). Because it was summer, they would play all these videos that take place at the beach. Enter Aerosmith's music video, which I had to google because as I said, I'm not even fan of them, but it turns out it was the video for Girls of Summer.
At some point in the video, there comes this guy trying to impress the girl at the beach. The unimpressed girl pulls down his swim shorts, revealing he had a pair of socks rolled up underneath them and he runs away humiliated. Now THIS is a running joke I had seen before in tv shows and movies. But for some reason this time around it just stuck with me, and I kept thinking and thinking what was the point of using a ball of socks to pretend having a big bulge, first of all, because even if you got the girl at some point you would have to undress and reveal your small package, and second, because I didn't think it would look natural anyway. I was like "bulges aren't spherical, you need to see the penis and the balls, so a smooth ball wouldn't make sense, it's not a boob". But since it was summer break and I was bored, I decided to try my theory one day after the shower. Remember I would always rush my way out of the shower, towel dry quickly and put on my clothes before my nakedness made me hard. This time I put on my briefs (hip briefs or whatever they're called, the short ones not the boxer briefs) and I took my socks, and just shove them down there to see how well they simulate the big bulge. This was an enlightening moment. The soft texture of the socks, combined with the tightness the briefs were producing, pushing the socks against my junk, made me have one of the strongest erections I had had in my life at this point.
By now, I already knew all the theory from our books, you know, a man has to have an erection to have sex, he ejaculates, everything feels so good, etc, but what I was missing was any visual reference, and of course, the first hand experience of how it felt. Now I knew it wasn't something I had to make go away, but I didn't understand what the fuzz was about, until that moment when I felt I was touching heaven with my dick. A dick that was starting to look bigger than previous years as I was hitting puberty. Again, like a broken record, I lament that I never did this before or something similar when I was younger. A random, silly accident that showed me how good it felt to be touched down there.
Summer was just getting started, so I would have plenty of time. Well, not so much really. I started doing this thing of trying my socks in my underwear every day after the shower, always having a strong erection for a while, but my mom would start yelling me for spending so much time in the bathroom, since we were five people living in the house and there was always someone who needed to go. So I could only do this for a few minutes, then I had to run and hide in my room until my erection went away. A room that had no door, so not even thinking about doing that there. Until it was bed time that is.
I eventually started doing this same thing with the socks, but when I was readying to sleep. I would just stay there feeling the softness of my socks and the tightness of the briefs until I would fall asleep. I would think about it all day and I even started going to bed earlier, just to be able to do that for a longer time before falling asleep. Here comes a brief chapter of probably a week or two in this journey towards masturbation, which was getting aroused by reading all I could about sex and masturbation in my house. These sensations I was feeling combined with having nothing to do in my vacation from school, sparked my curiosity about sex. So first, I went back to my biology books from fifth and sixth grade, and read everything about it. It really didn't answer any questions. So then I started reading all the dictionaries I could find in my house, searching for definitions such as "penis", "erection", "sex", "masturbation", etc. My mom was a nurse when she was younger, so I searched through all of her anatomy books; they talked about more complex stuff such as spermatogenesis, but at that point even that was arousing even if I didn't understand what they were saying. There was also a part that talked about the changes boys go through during puberty. The idea of my penis and balls getting bigger when I was older, was very arousing. I even found some old pamphlets or tiny books my dad had from a magazine called Very Interesting. There was one in particular that talked about sex facts, such as sex habits from the Roman Empire, dick size of Jean Claude Van Damme, the herbs some ancient culture used to masturbate with, etc. That was my version of porn during those weeks, in a time where I had no access to the internet (even though we did have a computer). The only definition that aroused me and scared me at the same time was "ejaculation", which dictionaries defined as the aggressive expulsion of liquid from an organ. It varied from dictionary to dictionary, but the idea was that it was violent, that it was quick, and it never mentioned it being pleasurable which went against everything I knew about sex. Still, no proper instructions as to how to masturbate.
However I did make a discovery at this point. It turns out I'm uncut and my mom always told me as a kid that I was supposed to retract my foreskin to clean it, but I never paid her any attention, because it just felt very uncomfortable doing it, so I would just open the foreskin a little bit so water would come and rinse a bit the glans, and that was my whole routine during the shower (none of this ever felt pleasurable or so, it was just like washing my elbow). One of her nursery books precisely talked about this and said it was in fact not necessary that kids retracted their foreskins, but it would start to happen naturally after puberty. One of the books that talked about sex also mentioned that the foreskin is supposed to retract during penetration. So then I knew that I had to retract my foreskin to clean it. The next day I did it in the shower. It felt like I had ripped off my eyelid or something, but seeing my full naked glans for the first time, plus the feeling of the retracted skin, gave me a super hard boner, AND I STILL DIDN'T MASTURBATE (I can't with me). But in my defense, this time, the feeling was just very overwhelming. I felt like my heart was gonna escape through my throat, and the glans was very sensitive to the water and even just the thin air, so I rinsed it rapidly and pulled back the foreskin again. It became my daily habit in the shower in order to clean it, to this day, but nowadays it doesn't trigger any fancy reaction, and it's not even that sensitive anymore. I miss those days when everything was a novelty.
But going back to that summer, eventually, during my socks-briefs nights, I started adding some touches and squeezes here and there, but with so much layers of clothes, I wasn't even directly touching my dick but it was just the pressure of the briefs and folded socks that made me tingle. The excitement was building and building and I guess during my sleep the tightness of it kept stimulating my penis, so much that one night I had my first wet dream. I was sleeping on my stomach, with the socks still in my briefs, and I just barely remember waking up to my body contracting and feeling my hard dick, but I was so tired that I fell back asleep again. In the morning I didn't know if that was a dream or what. The socks only had a dry yellow stain, but I thought it might've been urine. I did read about wet dreams, but they said they actually had some kind of sex imagery, and I didn't remember any, so I didn't think it was it. Only a few days later I put 2 and 2 together and realized that was my first wet dream, and thus my first ejaculation.
But before that happened, one day I decided not to fold the socks so much, but instead I just covered my uncircumcised, curved dick with them, which was already erect just at the thought of it. Sorry to bring this up so many times, but I have to insist, I didn't know anything about masturbation at this point, I didn't know I had to do the up-and-down jerking motion, or just any kind of motion. I even wondered if ejaculation was supposed to happen during masturbation (because one of the dictionaries said that "it sometimes ends up with an ejaculation") or if it only happened during actual sex, but I just wanted to keep feeling this sensation and find ways to make it more powerful. The only thing my brain could come up with was to squeeze. I started squeezing the tip of my foreskin with the sock, not even the head of the penis, the foreskin. I started feeling my dick getting harder and harder, it was pulsating in excitement at the same pace as my heartbeat. I was very nervous, I was sweating cold, I was trembling, I felt like there was ice in my bones, but it felt so good at the same time, that I kept squeezing harder and harder, until my toes curled, and I felt some pulsations in the sole of my right feet, which to this day I have never felt again, maybe it was cramping. And then there it was. I had my first orgasm. My penis throbbed like it never had before, at the same time that my perineum and abs contracted. I just laid there and fell asleep. I was exhausted.
So the feeling was very similar to that from the wet dream, but this time I was completely conscious. In the morning I removed the sock, and there was this yellow stain again, so that's when I connected that that other night I had come too. I had found the magic key: I need to squeeze my foreskin until I cum. So I started doing this every night. This time I tried pulling the sock right after because I was very curious to see what semen looked like, to no avail, because most of it had already been absorbed by the sock, though I did identify that particular smell of semen for the first time.
After a few days I noticed my foreskin was bruising from so much squeezing, so I realized this couldn't be good. So that night, by grace of God who finally had some compassion for me, I decided that instead of squeezing, I would use the sock to jack off the entire dick. I finally jacked-off, and I came in that sock which was becoming my cum rag (though I ruined many socks the following months, including my dad's and my brother's).