Hi everyone!! Well first off I just wan say a big thank you to all the people that emailed me about the story! I'm glad you all liked it and I hope you like this chapter too. Please feel free to email me cos I LOVE getting mail and fan mail is the best!!! Ahem, anyway, also thanks to Jim author of Jamie's Romance and Lance's Story (Which you ALL should read!) for editing this, cos I suck a doing it myself!
Ok, well on with the show!
Disclaimer: This story is purely fiction and is not intended to imply anything about the true sexuality of O-Town or anyone associated with their organization. It is meant for those over the age of 18 only and those who wish to read stories with homosexual content.
"My Angel" Chapter 2. By PJ
Previously on "My Angel"...
Ashley went back to his room. Damn. The first and only time he tried to kill himself and he's been caught. Great. Dan came back with a cup of hot cocoa for them both. An awkward silence filled the room.
"So..."
"I DON'T wanna talk about it" Ashley snapped, loudly.
'Oh boy this is gonna be a LONG night' Dan thought.
And now the continuation......
My Angel, part 2
Dan set the two cups down on the tabletop and began to fidget nervously. He didn't want to talk about the situation either, but it needed to be done.
"Ashley," he spoke softly. Ashley's response was to hug his knees to his chest and put his head in his arms. "Ashley, please..." Dans's voice was a whisper at this point.
Ashley began to whimper ever so quietly. 'I will NOT do this now, I'm NOT ready' he thought. Hearing Ashley's soft sobbing, Dan moved closer. He was shocked that Ashley physically flinched when he got closer.
"Please..." Ashley began, barely audible, "just leave me alone Dan."
"No, I'm not going anywhere, not until you tell me why."
"Please... go."
"No."
"Dan!"
"No, Ashley, I will NOT!"
"Damn it, just fuck off, okay!!" Ashley exploded, and Dan was taken aback by this mood swing. He knew, though, that he better not push too hard or Ashley might lose it all together.
"Nuh uh."
"I... just, I can't..." Ashley looked into Dan's eyes for the first time since he got home and saw there was a great deal of concern and worry in them.
"Ash, it's ok, whatever it is I'll help you. We'll help you, all the guys, we're in it together. Remember: 'It's all or nothing at all.'" Dan smiled and for a split second Ashley didn't feel so bad.
"Where are the others Dan?" Ashley finally realized that Dan came home alone.
"They went drinking after the movie."
"Oh, I see. Was the movie good?"
"It was ok, and stop trying to change the subject." Ashley's face fell as he realized he'd been busted.
'What do I do?' Ashley thought. 'Do I tell him? How can I tell him I'm gay? What happens if he rejects me or worse?' His breathing increased and became more and more erratic.
"Ash?" Dan tried to get his attention, when he realized Ashley's thoughts were making him breathe real funny. Ashley's breath became more and more shallow and he found he couldn't take a normal breath. Panic set in, and that made it worse.
"Ash!!" Dan began to panic as he realized his friend was having a panic attack and hyperventilating. "Calm down, just try to breathe!" Ashley was panting at this point and going slightly blue.
"Oh God!" Dan began to freak out. "Ashley!" Dan grasped his friend's hand and squeezed it tightly to stop it from shaking. 'Whatever this is about, it's BIG,' Dan thought. "Now breathe with me Ash. One, two, three, four..." He looked into Ashley's eyes and nodded his head at every count.
Ashley concentrated on Dan's eyes like they were the only things holding him on the mortal coil. Slowly his breathing went back to regular patterns and Ashley found himself holding Dan's hand. Quickly realizing this, he ripped it away.
"Thanks, Dan," Ashley smiled weakly.
"So do you want to..." Dan was cut off by a loud commotion at the door. It sounded like three drunken pop stars falling into the house. 'Crap' Dan thought 'Not NOW!'
"I'll just go and see if they're ok. Ok?"
Ashley nodded. 'What the hell am I gonna do? Tell Dan? Or just avoid it...'
Erik, was the only one sober enough to turn the key. So he did, and voilá! Open door! He helped Trevor and Jacob into the house. They were all rather drunk. Dan met them at the stairs.
"Are you all drunk?"
"No, no, no, no..." they all slurred.
"Well, don't tell anyone, but we are!" They all burst into fits of giggles.
"Oh God, please tell me no reporters saw you."
"Agghut shur hono ep," Jacob slurred and promptly passed out on the sofa.
"I saw a girl with such big hooters it was sssoooo cool!"
"That's great Trev," Dan said. "You guys gonna turn in or not?"
"Hmmm?" Erik was now a little dazed.
"I'll get you a glass of water, ok?" Dan went to fetch good ol' H2O for his friends, but when he came back both Trevor and Erik were sound asleep on the floor. 'They won't be up for a while,' Dan thought, then went back upstairs.
"What happened?" Ashley wondered what all the commotion was about.
"Oh, they got drunk again. It's ok cos they're all asleep now. Passed out in the living room."
"Oh," was all Ashley could say.
"So where were we?"
"Dan, please leave it be. I'm ok, r-r-really I am!"
"Yeah, ok, well try it again, this time without the stutter, then I'll believe you".
"I... I'm..." Ashley tried so hard not to let his emotions get the better of him, but to no avail. His bottom lip began to wobble and he could feel the tears stinging his eyes. Finally the last of his defenses crumbled and he broke down.
"Oh, Ash!" Dan rushed to his side and grabbed Ashley into a big hug. Ashley cried his heart out on Dan's shoulder.
"Its ok, its ok, I'm here, I won't leave you." Dan stroked Ashley's back and his head. They stayed that way for a long time while Dan rocked Ashley back and forth to calm him. Ashley slowly calmed and took his head off of Dan's shoulder.
"Sorry, I got your shirt all wet."
"S'ok, at least I've got more shirts. I can't replace you so easily and I can't just sew you up if you need fixing, can I?" Ashley laughed at Dan's terrible joke.
"So, are you gonna tell me what is the matter or do I have to beat it out of you?"
"Will you tell anyone if I tell you?"
"Not if you don't want me to," Dan said and Ashley heard the promise in his voice. "Is it about Shelli?"
Ashley chuckled. "Sorta, I guess. I... I'm... I'm just afraid you'll hate me."
"I could NEVER hate you. Well only if you killed someone or something... Wait a minute, you didn't kill Shelli cos she broke up with you did ya?" Dan asked in a serious, yet playful tone.
"No, silly. I... ok, ummm... I," Ashley took a deep breath, looked down at his hands, that were now shaking, and thought it's now or never. "I think... I'm... gay." The last part came out as a whisper.
"Oh my God!" Dan said, his face turning as white as milk.
"Oh, no God, please no," Ashley said panicking because he just knew his world was about to come crashing down when Dan spoke next.
"I'm sorry, I have to... I mean, I..." Dan babbled. Looking physically shaken, he dashed for the door, leaving Ashley all alone.
All Ashley could do was sit there. It felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach, his world was ending. Dan knew. A hundred things went through his mind. 'Will Dan tell everyone? Will they kick me outta the band? What if my parents find out? What if the press find out? There'll be a scandal, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God...'
Dan ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind him. With tears running down his cheeks, he slowly slid to the floor. Trembling, he went over what just happened. Ashley said he was gay. 'What the hell do I do?' Dan thought, 'Ash is gay.'
'So tell him,' a small voice spoke in the back of his mind. 'I can't. I don't think I can cope.' Dan argued back with his own thoughts. He began to sob, clutching his head in his hands. He felt terrified, weak and ashamed. Terrified of what might happen next, weak because he realized he'd run out on his best friend, who was in serious need of help, and ashamed because he was too afraid to tell Ashley. He felt worse than he'd ever felt before.
Ashley was alone on the bed sobbing so hard he thought he was going to die. He thought that might help at this point. His worse nightmare had come true, he'd told someone and they'd ran as fast as they could away from him.
"Why did this have to happen to me? Why can't I just fall in love?" Ashley pleaded with whatever deity may be listening to him. He sat on his bed in silence and stared at nothing, slowly losing all hope of a happy life. He thought over what happened again, and again, each time dragging himself deeper into depression. The last line of the song that had been stuck in his head all day, the one he had sung to himself earlier:
"The world is full of happiness that I have never known... always on my own."
Dan sat on the floor, rocking back and forth, while trying to calm himself. Tears stained his beautiful face as he replayed everything that happened. It suddenly hit him that he'd left Ashley, his best and closest friend, all alone in his pain because he was too cowardly to face up to his own fears and admit who he really was. Slowly defiance rose. He knew it was now or never, and, if he didn't rectify this situation soon, it could do serious damage to everything he held dear. So he stood, shaking slightly, and opened the door. Dan composed himself as much as possible and began to walk towards the door to Ashley's room.
As he entered the room, part of him wanted to run as fast as he could away, like he always did, run away from these feelings, push them down as far as he could inside of him. But he knew he needed to do this as much for his sake as for Ashley's.
He saw Ashley sitting on his bed, much like Dan had left him.
"Ash?" Dan spoke before he realized it, although it sounded more like a whisper.
Ashley's head slowly turned towards Dan, the look of pain was more than evident on the young singer's angelic features. There was also a look of terror, as evidenced by his wide eyes.
"Dan..." Ashley said as if the act of speaking was more effort than he could handle. "I'm sorry..." he continued hanging his head in shame.
"No, Ash, please, it was my fault. It's just... I..."
"You hate me," Ashley interrupted.
"NO, God no! I could never hate you, Ashley." Dan moved closer and sat on the bed with his friend, clasping his hands together in a vain attempt to distract himself.
"Then why did you freak on me?" Ashley's voice cracked at the end of the sentence and again tears filled his eyes.
"Ash, please don't cry, its all my fault. I just... I panicked." Dan looked at him with fresh tears threatening to fall from his own face.
"B-b-but why?" Ashley sniffed and grabbed a Kleenex from the nightstand.
"Its because..." Dan took a hold of Ashley's hand and squeezed, Ashley squeezed back. Dan looked up into the blue eyes of his friend, took a deep breath and spoke the words he was so afraid to let anyone else hear. "Because I'm gay too."
Ashley looked at Dan and smiled. "That's why you ran."
"Yeah, I kinda freaked cos you said you were gay too and that made me do the thing I automatically do whenever those feelings come up, run," Dan replied. "I'm SOOO sorry, I never meant to do anything to hurt you, you mean so much to me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."
Dan began to cry again and Ashley joined him. For once they were honest with themselves and each other. They held on for dear life to each other letting so many years of emotion surface. Finally, they stopped and composed themselves a little.
"It's ok, Dan. I understand about you taking off like that, it just hurt me is all."
"I never meant to do it, it was just..."
"I said I understand, ok? I forgive you, lets just forget about it. " Dan nodded. For a few moments, there was an awkward silence.
"Sooooo..."
"I know what you mean, it's a bit anti-climactic isn't it? All this drama and now its like nothing happened!!"
"Yeah." Ashley slowly adjusted to the fact that Dan accepted he was gay and that Dan himself was the same.
"So, how long have you known then?" Dan began the conversation.
"That I'm gay? Oh, I dunno, always I guess."
"What about Shelli?"
Ashley laughed. "Oh, that's actually quite a funny story. We started dating in high school and I always looked at the guys when we were going out. I guess I just stayed with her to try and convince myself I wasn't gay. She was such a bitch, now I look back on it."
"Did you love her?"
"In a way. I kinda convinced myself I was in love so that the feelings would go away, except they didn't. Then the whole band thing came along and we just got further and further apart. When she broke it off I was terrified because I knew that I'd have nothing to tell me that I can't like guys. That's why I nearly... you know. I didn't see any other option."
Dan simply nodded, taking in the story.
"Hey I feel better already! Now your turn." Ashley waited for Dan's story.
"Well, I kinda knew all the time I guess. I was the same with Cindy like you were with Shelli, but it all went wrong in Cancun when we took the 'family vacation' with Lou and the guys. Remember that?"
"How could I forget?!" Ashley answered, remembering it was there that his world began to crumble. "So what happened?"
"Well, before then we'd never done it. And she wanted to go to the next stage in the relationship. So one night, we were about to but I couldn't. I just couldn't do it, I mean, I froze. It didn't feel right. She was all upset and I just explained that I wasn't ready yet." Ashley hung on his every word, fascinated by the story. "So then we kinda stopped seeing each other. She never knew."
"Uh huh, wow it feels weird to be talking about it doesn't it? I mean, I kept it hidden for so long and now its like talking about the weather!"
"Yeah it does! Can I ask you something, Ash?"
"Of course."
"Did you and Shelli ever have sex?"
"Oh, well, yeah, a couple of times. That kinda made things worse because it felt so wrong when we did it. She kept saying how much she loved it and me and it made things sooooo complicated."
"Yeah, I can see why."
"Hey, Dan, now its my turn, so, ever kissed a guy before?"
"Nope, not yet. I've wanted to, but I never told him how I felt before."
"Me, too. Can I ask who it is you wanted to kiss?" Ashley asked, while wiggling his eyebrows in a silly way.
"Ummm actually, I don't think I should be up too late its past one already," Dan said in a very flustered manner.
"Oh, I see," Ashley interjected. "And Dan I think you're cute too."
"How did you know? I?" Dan sat there mouth opened wide, then blushed a little. "You like me too?"
"Yeah." Ashley felt a blush rise in his cheeks also.
"Cool, but I think we should slow down a little." Dan took Ashley's hand in his own and intertwined their fingers. "I need some time to think this all through. Besides, we've got a lot of other stuff to talk about like what to tell the guys."
"I can live with that for now," Ashley said and tightened his grip on Dan's hand. They both smiled, happy that now neither of them were alone, happier than either had been in a long time.
Tbc?
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