This story is true,(it is really!) It is based on my life so far. This is my first time writing so be patient with me if it gets a little jumbled. This first part is where the major part of my life began to take form. I was really fighting with myself and was unsure on how my life would proceed. The names and places mentioned have been changed of course, but other than that this is a collection of all my memories and feelings when this all began. Please e-mail me at davidlogann432@msn.com with any comments. (I do want to hear some and I will relpy!) No flamers or hate mail though, I'll just delete 'em.
DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18 or are offended by sex between males, please do not read any further.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ Chapter One ------------------------------------------------------------------------
My day began like almost every other morning; my eyes tore themselves open from their deep sleep as the shrill of the alarm clock ripped me awake. I slipped my hand from underneath my stomach and slapped it down on the snooze button. The screaming was silenced, ahhh tranquility once again. I rolled off my front and onto my back wrapping myself deeper into the cocoon of my blankets. I laid there perfectly content for what seemed like half of a moment when my mother tapped her fist against my door. My eyes opened into slits as my peace was once again disturbed, "What?"
"Are you out of bed yet," uh-oh she had that tone this morning.
"Yeah mom I am up now," I sat up and rubbed the sleepers out of my eyes with my fists. God, what I would give to just curl up and go back to sleep right now.
"Well you better hurry up young man, if I get another call at work today from the school your in for it." The sharpness of her tone left no room for argument this morning.
"Ok I am up mom, I going to the shower right now." I crawled out of bed and threw on my housecoat, going through my daily routine of trying to hide my morning hard-on. Jeez I turn fifteen and it seems that through out the day I am never with out one, oh well. I stumbled out of my room and down the extremely bright hallway towards the bathroom. I fiddled with the taps and once I hit that perfect temperature I stripped and jumped in. I just stood there for a moment and basked in the warmth of the water pouring over my body. I could stay here forever too, but then I bit the bullet and began to scrub down. The thought to indulge my teenage libido quickly skipped across my mind, but I quickly dismissed that idea, as my mother was testy as it was this morning. Don't want to spend too much time in here. So, with a sigh, I shut the water of and jumped out grabbing a towel to dry off. I slipped my robe on once again and went to my room.
I took my robe off and jumped into some blue briefs, now just getting over the chill that came after exiting the shower. I grabbed some clothing from my closet, but before I closed the door I stared at the reflection in the mirror. God, how I wished that I would mature faster, I was to short! Just over five feet, I was the second shortest person in my entire grade. Most of the other guys had had their damn growth spurts and where close to six feet, while I was left in the dust. My hand brushed the sandy brown hair off my temple and I contemplated what I would look like if I was a foot taller, had blue or green eyes instead of brown, and was way more toned! My mom said I was 'cute' anyways, but she just said that because I was her son. So with my thoughts dwindling on how I was a short skinny kid, I walked over to my bed to go through the morning drudgery of getting dressed. Once I finished I went downstairs and sat at the table to eat some coco-puffs while my mother furiously tried to prepare our lunches.
My sister sat across from me eating her own cereal as she looked over some books from school. She was eighteen months younger than I was but almost looked older than me, hell she was just one inch shy of being as tall as me. If she were a boy she would look just like me, if of course you cut her long hair off and removed her 'female endowments'. That didn't matter though I still could beat her in one of our more than common 'sibling wrestling matches'. This morning was no different; I just had to torment her. "So what, to busy screwing around your boyfriend last night to get your homework done Jessie." A smirk crept its way across my face as I waited for the up coming hyena reaction from her.
"No I am just reading over some notes for my test this morning in math." She was surprisingly calm this morning, but I knew I would get her going.
"Why, to busy smooching with Kevin in the corner during class when you should be listening." Right then I knew I got her because her face went beat red and she dropped her spoon in the bowl.
"NO, UNLIKE YOU I STUDY FOR MY TESTS!" Her voice hit that high shrill that somehow reminded me of my alarm clock, but funny. "And stop HASSLING me about Kevin God damn it! Your just jealous that I have a boyfriend and the fact that you could never get a girl if you DIED TRYING!" Now it was time to defend my honor.
"Well I could get a girl if I really wanted too, but all the girls in our school lack that special thing I am looking for," Ha I thought, "And I don't study cause I, unlike you, can retain more than two sentences that the teacher says before I forget them and drift off in to 'Kevin Land,'" I rolled my eyes up into my skull, clapped my hands together, and sighed right after I said that last part to increase the effect. That was it; she jumped up off her chair and came around the table, charging at me. I stood up and prepared for the up coming battle.
"ENOUGH YOU TWO, FINISH YOUR BREAKFAST AND THEN GET TO SCHOOL, I MEAN IT." My sister stopped dead in her tracks and we both looked at our mother. Her face was aflame with fury as she stared us down; she looked like she belonged on the set of some freaky horror movie. Well I knew it was time to quit while I was ahead. We both sat back down and my mother returned to smearing peanut butter on our sandwiches.
We chewed in silence for a few moments and then Jessie spoke up, "So what did you mean when you said that all the girls in our school where lacking that special thing?"
A grin spread on her face, "Like what, they don't accept a roll of dimes to get you off?" That was my sister, always had to have the last word no matter what. I was different though; I did not have anything to prove. Anyway I knew what was about to happen.
"JESSIE LEAVE KYLE ALONE AND GET TO SCHOOL!" Sometimes my mom had perfect timing. Jessie quickly stuffed her books in her bad, grabbed her lunch, and trotted out the front door. With my mother in such a foul mood I decided that I best follow my sisters example and slipped my shoes on. I picked up my bag, stepped out side and began my walk to school.
It was a sunny spring morning, there were a few clouds in the sky and the morning breeze was refreshing, not chilling. I walked slowly towards the school, my head down seemingly staring at the multitudes of cracks on the sidewalk. I listened as cars sped by me, people setting off to go to their daily routines. I was lost somewhere in the depths of my mind when I felt a hand slap its self onto my left shoulder. My heart jumped in my chest and I snapped my head up to face who ever had grabbed me.
My surprised eyes locked with the face of the most gorgeous boy in school. He smiled at me and my surprise turned to that gushy feeling that invaded my stomach. "Hey Kyle man what's up?" Dustin's hand slipped from my shoulder as a big grin spread across his face.
"Well besides you almost making me shit my pants everything else is going okay." I laughed and slugged him one on his upper right arm. Damn he was so good looking, almost every girl in the school wanted him, and well at least one boy. I wished that I looked just like him, from his light brown hair to his deep green eyes; not to mention the fact that he was about seven inches taller than me. His body and features seemed to be chiseled from stone, not thin, not fat, but somewhere in-between with a body to die for. He had the perfect body, always seemed to know what to say, and had been my best friend for like the last two and a half years. I was so madly in love with him, but there was no way that he could ever find out. He loved me as a friend, not the same way that I loved him.
He laughed out loud and rubbed his arm, "Well its not my fault that you're so jumpy, I think you need some Valium or something." He dropped his bag to the ground and put his fists up and started bouncing around, "So what you wanna duke it out ya punk?" He grinned as he prepared for a mock duel.
"Nah man maybe later, don't want to mess up that pretty face of yours. The girls would never forgive me." I turned and started to walk away, "but after school I am going to whoop yer ass."
He laughed as he grabbed his bag and run up beside me. His arm brushed mine; goose bumps ran up along my spine, this kid doesn't know what he does to me. "So Kyle what where you thinking about?"
"Hhhmmm?" I was hoping that would not come up, so I wanted him to drop it.
He looked over at me with a hint of concern in his eyes, "When I saw you, you where looking down concentrating and shit. I mean you didn't even hear me yell your name."
"Oh did you," shit I didn't hear that, "sorry I was just thinking."
He rolled his eyes into his skull, "Duh, I know that! What where you thinking about?" Dustin always was so concerned about me, even over the little things, it never failed to send a wave of warmth into my chest.
"Oh just thinking about some girls at school, sorry my mind must have wandered." A bold face lie, and god did it hurt to lie to him. He was always completely honest to me about everything, and I always had to cover it up and hide the fact that I was gay. I didn't want to but I was afraid of the consequences of telling him.
"Mind just wandered huh," his cute lips curled into a devilish grin. "Like wandered into a room full of girls waiting for you to start a wild orgy?" He started laughing.
I laughed back and just looked at him as he chuckled. "Ha-ha asshole, your just jealous cause I could get an orgy of girls started."
He started to laugh again and threw his arm around my shoulders. Oh sweet heaven I felt my knees turn into rubber, and I felt the blood start to surge to my loins. I wish my dick would calm down just for one day out of my teenage life. I just hoped Dustin didn't notice that I was already half hard. Good thing I wore baggy jeans that day.
"Yeah man I bet you could being the stud muffin that you are." I really blushed at that one, but I knew he was just fooling around, "but then I would have to come in after five minutes cause you would be done and ready to leave." Then he really started laughing and I slugged him on the arm again.
"Just joking Kyle man," he stuttered between laughs. Then he calmed down a bit and looked at me seriously. "Now for real, what where you thinking about."
Damn it another lie! "Well I was thinking of who I should ask to the end of school dance this year." Well it was a half-truth; I wanted to take HIM, but I knew that could not happen so I had to think of a girl that would go with me.
He cocked his eyebrow at me, "Dude that like three months away, why are you even thinking about it."
I sucked my breath in through my teeth, "I was just thinking of whom I would ask to go that would say yes." I started to feel really alone in the world at that moment.
I looked down at the sidewalk again not wanting to see those magical eyes, ashamed that he might see something in mine. I knew he was looking at me with heart felt concern in his eyes, that's when I felt his arm snake their way around my shoulders again.
"Aawww man you got to stop bringing your self down." There was serious concern in his voice. "There is a perfect girl out there for you. You are like the coolest dude out there, and one day some chick is going to notice that and fall for you in a second."
I looked up at him, "Man I am like the last person a girl would ever notice in that way." I started to tear up, not just from the conversation, not from that fact that I was gay and I loved my best friend so much, it was the fact that it was true. No girl had ever shown me any interest in that way before. Not that it mattered, but it would make me feel that someone out there actual wanted me. I just wanted someone, anyone to love me!
Now Dustin looked at me with such deep concern I felt my heart welt up, shit I was going to let the water works fly in a few seconds. "Dude, you have to stop thinking that. So what if you're a little short and thin, that'll change right away here. Trust me man, I went through the same thing too. Your just one of those people that takes forever to start growing." He smiled at me, "Trust me, your going to wake up one day and all of a sudden your going to be a fricken giant!" That may have been true later, but not right now.
"Man, there is going to be someone out there for you. Even if you looked like the troll that lived under the bridge, there IS someone out there for you." He paused for a moment, "Out of all my friends in all the world, YOU are my best friend. YOU, not someone else who's cooler, or someone richer, or has all the girls hanging off him. YOU!" He stopped and looked me right in the eye, "I chose you out of everyone to love and be so special to me, because of who you are! You are the most important thing in my life bro, and one day some girl is going to notice all the stuff that I see and fall madly in love with you." Then he grabbed me right in the street and quickly hugged me. I wish that moment could last for eternity. It was nothing sexual, no lust; just pure love between to friends that seemed endless. I didn't feel so alone anymore. Even if I could not have him as my boyfriend, he would always instead be my loving friend.
"Thanks man, you mean the world to me," I said as our hug broke and I started to wipe the tears that had almost escaped my eyes.
"Yeah man, I know." Then he looked at his watch. "Oh shit dude! We are like 5 minutes late!"
The blood drained out of my extremities as the though of my mother drifted through my mind. With out wasting another second we both bolted down the sidewalk and to the school.
Well we made it to school, but not in time to stop them before they phoned my mother and his parents. The secretary both gave us a harsh lecture and sent us to class. Great I thought, as we walked down the halls, my mother is going to kill me. This is the fifth time this month that I was over fifteen minutes late for my first class. She's going to ground me for sure. We got halfway down the hall and Dustin spoke up,
"So off to the stupid classes for me." He was in all the remedial classes while I was in all the pure courses. "So you want to come with me after school today? A whole bunch of us are getting together tonight"
I gave him my doubtful look, "I think if I am not skinned when I get home, I will at least be grounded. Sorry man."
He just shrugged it off, "Shitty, maybe we can do something tomorrow if you live." He laughed, "Anyways I'll see you at lunch dude."
"Yeah see you then," and Dustin turned down the hall and went to class. I continued down the hall to my science class. When I opened the door the teacher stopped talking and looked at me.
"Well Mr. Printon, I hope we didn't wake you to early for class this morning." Jeez this old guy was such an asshole, he'd always embarrass me when I came to class late.
I wish this was over, " I am sorry Mr. Karmicheal, it won't happen again."
"For your sake I hope so, now take your seat," he glared at me, and every set of eyes in the class where on me. I felt my self-turning red. With out another word spoken, I slipped into my seat beside Kerri. She gave me the, 'why are you late again' look, I just rolled my eyes as I finished sitting down.
The droning voice of Mr. Karmicheal went on for what seemed like an eternity, but finally after half an hour it was time to work out of our textbooks. Which meant we could all talk to each other with out fear of retribution. Kerri opened her textbook and binder and I followed suit. We began to jot down all the answers to the questions.
"So did you sleep in again this morning Kyle?" She stopped working and turned to face me. She was a very good friend of mine since we where little. She and I had been in the same classes since grade three, and had hung out for a long time. She was a brainy kid, smarter than me for sure. She was becoming what would so be a very attractive woman in no time flat. She had come a long way from a dopey little kid with ponytails and glasses. She now was taller (of course everyone was taller than me), her black hair was loose and hanging beneath her shoulder blades, and she had replaced the glasses with contacts. She wasn't causing the boys around her to drool, but she had a boyfriend and was getting prettier everyday.
"Yeah something like that," I sighed. "I am sure going to be grounded when I get home tonight."
"Well serves you right," she gave me a cold stare. I was confused; did I do something to upset her? Why was she mad at me? She must have seen the worried look in my eye because she started to giggle.
"What is so damn funny," I asked my worries slipping away.
"Well I do look like a dork sitting here all by myself because you decide that you are going to be the 'cool guy' and stroll in to class late." She covered her smile with her hand as she continued to giggle.
"Well I am sssooo sssooorrryyy your majesty I will be sure to be here on time so you don't look like a dork again," I rolled my eyes and started to chuckle. The rest of the class went on like that, us just goofing around and working. Then before we knew it the bell rang and we off to our next class, which was English.
Karri and I sat together again, but in this class we where not allowed to talk to each other. The teacher Ms. Hope just discussed the main themes of Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet. I found myself daydreaming again, I could really relate to that play; the two lovers that came from two families, which hated one another with a passion. Whose true love causes them to sneak around and expressing their forbidden love for each other. The only differences were that one; I had no one that was in love with me. Two, my daydream was with another boys! Well its not like if I found my true love that I think our parents would hate each other that much, but then in my situation it's the majority of society that would try to forbid our love. God the world seem to really suck sometimes.
My daydream was cut short by the harsh ring of the bell signaling lunchtime. Karri and I walked out of class and tried to dodge the hundreds of bodies running around frantic for grub time. We made our ways to our lockers, put our books away, and grabbed our lunches. Before Kerri could close her locker her boyfriend Jason jumped in front of her.
"Hey baby, how was class?" He bent forward and gave her a quick kiss. I just stood there shifting my weight from one foot to the other feeling a little uncomfortable. I attempted not to look at them while pretending to examine the wall in front of me; all while trying unsuccessfully from looking like a complete loser.
"Fine, English was a little boring but I made it through." She smiled at him. It sort of made me jealous, I didn't have a crush on her; it was just that sometimes I felt like a third wheel when they were together. Not to mention the fact that I didn't like him at all, I was sure that his feelings towards me were mutual. He was some big jock from the football team that had some how slimed his way into Karri's life, while I was just some scrawny kid that hung out with Kerri.
"Yeah I am sure, little dorky Kyle probably kept you company? What you girls talk about? How to make muffins or flower arranging?" He laughed loud enough to make my ear drums hurt. I had a very witty reply on the tip of my tongue, but I kept it bottle up. I didn't really feel like getting the crap kicked out of me. So I just half-heartedly laughed, turned and began to walk away.
Karri on the other hand was not impressed. "What did you say that for?" She probably gave him the Karri patented 'now you've pissed me off' look and came running after me.
"Kyle wait!" She grabbed my arm and slowed my quickening pace.
"I am sorry, he can be such and asshole." she gave me that puppy dog look. "Do you want to hang out with me for lunch?" Uh-oh, if she ditched Jason for lunch and went with me instead Jason would freak. I was sort of touched that she was thinking of me though.
"Nah its okay Kerri," I smiled weakly, "I'll just meet you next period. Have fun with Jason."
Now she had that concerned look in her eyes, but I knew she really want to go out for lunch with Jason. He was seventeen, had a car, and lots of money and friends. Kerri was in bliss to be so popular because of it. So I slipped on a fake grin and told her to get lost.
She smiled back at me and gave me a quick peck on the cheek, "Thanks, you are so sweet." I felt my face go completely red! I could not believe it. First there was the hug from Dusty right in the middle of public, then Kerri giving me a kiss on the cheek. I have to admit that I was all of a sudden feeling pretty damn good that morning. She turned and walked to Jason, took his hand, and headed out towards the parking lot. There was some people giggling and making kissy faces at me when I turned around. I turned a little pink in the face but I was too happy to be embaressed.
I made my way to the lunchroom, looking from table to table for a place to sit. Then I saw Dusty stand up and wave me over. A smile spread across my face and I resisted the urge to run over to him. So I calmly walked over to the table where he was sitting. There where some of our other friends sitting there, people we hung out with when we went out. There were also some of Dustin's friends from some of his classes that I hardly knew.
"Hey dude, heard you where being a player after your second class." Dustin grinned at me with that twinkle in his eye. His friends started to chuckle as I gave him a dumbfounded look.
"What do you mean by that?" I furrowed my brow getting ready to throw a comeback at one of his little teasing mockeries.
"I heard from some people that you where making out with Kerri right after the bell. And to top it all off you did it right in front of Jason." I just looked at him like he was crazy.
"I am still alive ain't I?" I was some what pissed that a small innocent kiss had rampaged its way through the school in a matter of minutes and turned into a huge sex scandal.
"Well that's what I heard!" He looked sort happy about this, "So what DID happen Kyle?" He did his famous eyebrow wagging at me, "did you get a quick feel then?" Everyone at the table started to laugh.
"No," I was rolling my eyes into my skull again, half embaressed. "She just gave me a quick kiss on the cheek cause Jason was being an asshole."
Suddenly Dustin's smile slipped from his face, "what do mean?" Oh shit, here it comes. "Was he hassling you or hitting you or something?" I was lost for words. Dustin was being very protective of me as usual. Sometimes it irritated me because it made me feel that he thought that I needed protection. It's not like I am a feeble weakling or anything. On the other hand though I also got that butterfly feeling in my stomach again. He gets so cute when he is worried about me, but I should end this right away.
"Nah he didn't hit me or anything, I said I am still walking right." I smiled to put him more at ease. It helped a bit because that look left his face, but that guardian facial expression was still evident.
"So what did he do then?" he never stopped looking at me as he took a swig of his chocolate milk. Ok now I was starting to feel a little embaressed, everyone around me was silent not knowing how to react to Dustin's change of mood.
"He was just poking fun of me in front of Kerri, nothing bad." I opened my lunch bag hoping that he would drop the subject. Which he did, I think he sensed that I did not want to discuss it further. As usual though he had to prove himself.
"So do you want me to rough him up a little bit?" The grin was back on his face and I knew he was back to his joking self.
I sniggered, "nah, I'll spare him from the wrath of Dustin for now. I don't want to have to take flowers to Kerri when we have to bury him." That brought laughs from around the table. To add to the effect of hid threat, Dustin stood up and did an Incredible Hulk pose and began to talk like a brainless muscle freak.
"So you want the Hulk to pop his head like a zit. Then when I done, Hulk will bench press his carcass, a small compact car, and do squats all at same time." I just started to laugh so hard at his dumb impression as he imitated the bench pressing he would give to Jason. We joked around until the lunch bell went. The rest of school was dull; I had math and then gym. Both of the classes where tediously boring.
Dustin and me walked home together. We just talked about our day and told each other about the gossip we heard. We reached his house and we parted ways. I continued home alone, anticipating the bloodbath when I got home. I walked up the steps of the front door and into the house. I knew my mother was home today after school, so I knew there was no way out of this. So I dropped my bag on the floor, took off my shoes and headed in to the kitchen. I saw her sitting at the table eating a sandwich and reading over some magazine. Her face was unnervingly calm. I opened the fridge and grabbed a coke from the door.
"So you where late for school again today Kyle?" She had stopped reading the magazine and was looking at me questioningly. I cringed inside.
"Yeah mom I am sorry." I knew that would not work, but I had nothing better to say. I cursed my self for having such a deep conversation with Dustin that morning. I knew mom was having trouble with work and that her boss was making her really grouchy.
"Kyle," she sighed, "What should I do?"
I was a little taken aback by that one, "I don't know."
"Well that was the last time you will be late for school. I don't care if you have to get up an hour early to be on time. Just please, please, please promise me that you will not be late for school again." Well she was not screaming and yelling at me so I assumed that she had a good day at work.
"Okay mom I promise." I smiled at her and gave her a kiss on the forehead.
She smiled at me, "okay I'll hold you to that." I let out a sigh of relief, no punishment this time.
I started to walk away when she spoke, "Oh dear?"
"Yes mom?" I turned around and looked at her again.
"Your still grounded for tonight, don't think I would let you get away with it." Now she smiled at me. Damn no luck at all.
"Okay mom," I hung my head and went to my room, where I would spend the rest of my night. Eventual I drifted asleep, my mind dreaming of Dustin and me locked in a passionate embrace.
I woke up the next morning got shower and dressed quickly, ate my breakfast and ran out the door; all in record time I might add. I walked down the street toward school and Dustin's house. Much to my surprise he was sitting on the front steps ready to go.
"Hey Dustin man, why are you already to go? Something wrong with you?" He snickered at me.
"Nope, I just knew your mother would be making you leaving early this morning. So I got up early to meet you." He winked at me. He was so gorgeous this morning. The way the morning sun reflected of his perfect hair, the way he walked. The cute smile and killer eyes made my teenage lust skyrocket. He got up early for me. I felt so special.
"Thanks man," I replied trying to keep myself from running over and kissing him. So I just stood there watch him walk towards me. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him, so I just stared, all the time making sure that my mouth didn't hang open. He got to me and slapped his hand on my shoulder.
"So how was being locked in the dungeon last night?" He chuckled at me.
"Pretty boring, but it went okay with my mother. She didn't scream at me or nothing. I guess work is getting better for her."
"Cool dude, are you still grounded tonight?" A sexy smile slipped from his lips.
I blushed just a tiny bit, I was feeling so infatuated with him this morning. "Nope, totally free."
"Great, we will do something to night then." Then he turned and we both started walking to school together. I wished the school was ten miles away so we could walk and talk longer. We were just talking about anything and everything.
"Oh yeah, I just remembered! How was the party last night Dustin?" I looked over at him and he started grinning.
"Well it wasn't really a party, I mean we didn't drink or anything. We just hung around at Todd's house until about 9:30." He started blushing, that was very unusual for him. He never blushed, ever. He was mister cool as long as I could remember.
"So who all was there?"
"Well," he started slowly, "there was a whole bunch of guys there, uumm Todd, Mike, James, Sam, Chris, and Howard for a little bit."
"Was that all?" My curiosity was piqued. Why was he so flustered over a party with a bunch of guys? Did they do something? Did he and someone else do something? What? What? Is my fantasy starting to take form? Did he do something with another guy?
"Well, Cindy, Lisa, Carol, and ummm Michelle were there too." He really went red now!
I just had to be forward with him, he was beating around the bush about something and I just had to know. "Dustin, why are you stuttering, your blushing and everything. Like what happened? Did you get some action or what?" I forced a laugh out to keep up my straight persona.
"Well sorta, kinda I guess." He was silent now. Oh shit he DID do something with someone AND he was embaressed to tell me about it! Dustin never gets embaressed! I suddenly had a quick daydream of him telling me he had done something with someone, and that someone was a guy. I wanted him to say that he was gay so I could follow his lead and we could be happy together. My heart was racing a mile a minute, I thought it would burst out of my chest and my ears would not stop ringing. I felt dizzy as my knees once again turned into that rubber substance called love. I tried to dismiss the daydream but it wouldn't leave my head.
"Uhh man.." He stopped and looked at me. Every second that he waited to continue felt like an eternity.
"I should have told you this right away, but I was a little worried on how you would react.so here it is." he took a deep breath. I thought I was going to pass out from the anticipation. OH GOD THIS IS IT, THE MOMENT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR.
"Uuhhh Michelle asked me out and I said okay." He was studying my face for a reaction and boy did he get one. Every one of those feelings I was describing shrank into a little ball and rammed its way up through my chest and into my throat. The smile ripped itself from my face and the tears poured out of my eyes. I tried to stop them but I couldn't. Shit now he knew for sure that I was gay. I mean it was so obvious, me crying over the fact that Dusty now had a girlfriend. Why didn't I just put a neon sign above my head that stated that I was gay?
I just wanted to die right then. I wished that a car would swerve to miss a cat or something and hit me, or a meteor would strike me down where I stood. I wanted reality to blink me out of existence because now he knew. And because of it I knew I just lost the one I was in love with and the best friend that ever had. HE KNEW! Too my surprise he placed his hand on my shoulder.
"Man I am so sorry." Awww fuck he knew and now he was feeling pity on his ex-friend who was a fag. I felt so humiliated and hurt.
"I knew that you..."
I slapped his hand from my shoulder before he could continue and turned away so he could not look at me. He knows.
"Man I didn't mean too...I am sorry that..." I turned on him, something snapped in me. I didn't need this; I didn't need to be hurt by one of my friends again. I needed to get out of here; I couldn't stand the pain of him knowing.
"No Dustin I am sorry. I am sorry for all of this. I hope you can forgive me but I don't think I can ever look at you again." It hurt me so much to say that, but how could I face him with him knowing this about me. I couldn't take anymore; I bolted down the street towards the school, leaving Dustin standing there.
I ran into the school and to the bathroom. I was early enough that there was no other student around yet. I just sat on the counter by the sink and cried. I was so stupid! What I had with Dustin was so special to me. Why the fuck couldn't I just be content with what we had? Why did I let my actions betray me? I should have known nothing could ever brought us together the way I wanted. He is straight. I am gay. Now he knows and he must hate me. It must have hurt him so much to find out that his best friend was a queer. I felt sorry for betraying him, but also felt angry. I was angry with him and angry with myself. HE was sorry I was gay! What? Like I had a goddamn choice in the matter.
Why should I be sorry for who I am? But why am I the way I am? Is this some trick of God? Some fucking mind game he is playing with me? Why the FUCK can't I be normal? Why can't I just for once, ONCE in my life have it easy? For Christ sakes all I ever wanted in this world was to be happy. Now I have lost my best friend in the whole waking world. God I really do wish my life would end. Now I have nothing left.
The tears continually poured from my eyes as I sat there. Final I gained the strength to stand up and whip the tears away. I washed my face in the sink and sucked air through my teeth, walked out of the bathroom and to my science class.
As I approached the desk Kerri got a puzzled look on her face. I knew that she realized that I was crying. I sat down and just stared ahead at the black board, fighting the tears. I knew that she was staring at me but I didn't care, I could only focus on the pain inside. Someone walked by and said Hi but I paid no attention to them. Kerri was silent for a few moments and then spoke up.
"Kyle is there something wrong?"
I didn't look at her, "No."
I guess she was some what taken aback by my cold demeanor, "I know something is wrong, so just tell me."
"Its nothing," I spoke through my gritted teeth.
"No something is a matter. I have never seen you like this before Kyle. What? Did I do something? Was Jason bothering you again?" There was deep concern in her voice. I just want to grab her and start weeping on her shoulder, but I held my stead gaze.
"No. There is nothing wrong" Why couldn't she just leave me alone? Couldn't she tell I was about to break down, in front of every one here non-the less?
"Please Kyle, tell me! Please let me help!" Now she was getting really worried.
"Why can't you just leave me alone, please," I turned and look at her, giving her a cold stare. I instantly regretted it as the concerned look on her face turned to sadness. I wanted to apologize but I just couldn't. She shrank back and her chair and was silent through the rest of the class.
I went to my English class right after, ignoring all the people that swarmed around me. Someone grabbed my arm and pulled me from the mainstream traffic of the hallway. It was Harold, he looked at me confused for some reason. "Man Dustin is looking all over the place for you."
Oh great, just what I needed. Now I was sure Harold knew of my sexual preference from the weird look he was giving me. I tried not to let it bother me. Not much could now. Harold waited for a response but I gave him none.
"Anyways man, Dustin wants to meet you in the gym change rooms at lunch. Alone" I was sort of puzzled, but I pulled away and continued down the hall to English, leaving Harold with that confused look on his face.
So now he wanted to meet me alone in the gym locker room huh? Fat Chance. He probably told all his friends I was a dirty fag and they wanted to jump me and beat the crap out of me. That look on Harold's face told me that he must know. I don't know where I found the strength, but I made it to English class.
Kerri didn't say one thing to me when I sat down this time. Now I felt completely isolated. Damn it this was my entire fault. If I could have only controlled my hormones I would have never gotten into this mess. I sat through the first twenty minutes of English blocking everything out; I was just replaying the morning over and over in my mind. It hurt more and more each time I thought about it. Final I asked the teacher if I could be excused. She let me go and I went to the office.
The secretary look up at me from took pause from her typing. "Are you okay? You don't look so well?"
I told her that I was not feeling well and she phoned my mother. After the call she said she would have a classmate gather my homework and sent me home.
The walk home was a long and lonely one. When I got home I just crawled into my bed and cried. I cried openly and loudly. I cried until it hurt. Finally when I could not cry anymore I fell asleep.
I woke about two hours later to the sound of someone knocking on my front door. I shook my head trying to clear the fuzziness and wondered how I got home. All of a sudden a sick realization of what happened that morning flooded back through my mind. I sat there for a few moments, wishing that everything that had occurred was just part of a bad dream.
The knock at the door came again, louder and more desperate this time. I sighed and forced my self from the bed. I walked down the stairs, my head still to heavy to hold upright. I glanced at the clock on the way to the door. It was already two thirty in the afternoon. I had slept over three hours, not that it had really done any good. I reached the door and glanced through the peephole. Standing on the other side of the door was Kerri, a look of determination on her face. I began unlocking the door, realizing that there was no way I was going to get around this.
She looked at me once again with heart felt concern in her eyes. I just looked at her and motioned for her to enter. She walked in, neither of us saying a word. She took her shoes off as I began to climb the stairs back to my room. I flopped down on the bed and buried my face in my pillow. I felt her presence in the room and then her weight as she sat down beside me. Then her hand as it rested itself on my back.
"Kyle, I know what happened between you and Dustin today." Wonderful now she knows too. I bet everyone in school knows about me now. I let out a sob but said nothing.
"He was looking all over for you when you didn't meet him. He found me in the hall and asked me where you where, it looked like he was crying Kyle." Good I thought. Wait why was I thinking this way. I was just bitter I guess.
"Dustin told me everything about this morning."
Now I had to say something. "And you still came over here? What to show me pity?" That feeling of loneliness and anger resurfaced. "How can you even look at me? Aren't you disgusted with me?" It hurt me to say that, but she was one of the ones that laughed when our friends made fun of gays in general. So she had to be revolted by the idea.
"So you got angry about Dustin going out with Michelle. We knew that you said you had a crush on her, and Dustin feels bad about saying yes. But why would I be disgusted with that?"
What? What the hell was she talking about? I don't have a crush on Michelle! I am gay for Christ sakes! I turned my head and looked at her with a confused look on my face.
"He said that when she asked he totally forgot that you told him that you had a crush on her two weeks earlier. Then he said that he almost died when he remembered later that night."
Now I felt like a complete idiot and asshole. I had said that two weeks ago when the conversation of girls had surfaced. He had kept continually asking me who I had a crush on. I just thought about the first girl that had came to mind, Michelle. She was always following Dustin around so I always saw her. That's why he was upset; he thought I was pissed at him for dating Michelle. Thank You LORD! And shit I had almost actually blurted out the fact I was gay! I was all up in arms about it because I was sure that Dustin knew I was gay because of my reaction this morning. Good thing that I did leave school and not meet Dustin at lunch. I probably would have then let it slip that I was gay in an attempt to defend myself. Then he would have known about it for no reason at all.
I was so happy, but somewhere deep down I was sad. I was happy that Dustin and everyone else didn't know and we could still be best friends. But I was sad; I had thought my secret had finally come out. I was upset with that, but I had thought that it was final over. I thought I was finally free of my dark secret. I was also upset now that Dustin had a girlfriend! I was jealous, but I knew I could never have that which I wanted. Now I had to clear everything up.
"I...I....am sorry that I acted like such a jerk today Kerri." I looked at her for a response as I continued.
"I was just really hurt and didn't know how to deal with it." I sighed, but no more tears. "I guess I was a little bit of an asshole."
The look of worry slid off Kerri's face and was replaced with that smile. She tickled my sides and I laughed.
"Yes you where a complete prick," she giggled. "But that's okay, I know you where upset." She stopped tickling me.
"Is Dustin mad at me for what I did?" my newfound smile faded.
"No, he is broken up over the fact that you hate him now, but I don't think he could really get mad at you Kyle."
I sat right up, "I don't hate him! Shit I didn't mean for this to get so out of hand!"
She got up off the bed; "well maybe you should talk to him after school and tell him that. He'll be here right after."
I looked at the clock; he would be out in like 15 minutes. Wait a second! "Kerri how did you get over here? You should be in class."
She just laughed, "I skipped you doofus! It was just keyboarding class."
"What? You? You never skip! Little miss perfect." I started laughing.
"Well I made an exception for you. I couldn't stand you being like this, so I had to come help you."
I suddenly felt like crying again. My friends really did care for me, so much that they would risk themselves to help me. I knew what Kerri's dad would do to her when she got home. She did that for ME. Maybe I was not so bad off as I thought. Maybe one day I could tell them that I was gay. Maybe they would understand.
"Thanks Kerri...that means a lot to me." I think I started blushing.
She bent down and gave me another kiss on the cheek; this one was a little longer than the last. "Your welcome Kyle, you mean a lot to me." Then she threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug, which I returned. The fear and sorrow in my chest melted away. Then she released me and made her way outside.
I waited, going over in my mind what to say to Dustin when he came over. I felt so bad for hurting him. What could I say to reverse what had happened this morning. Kerri said he was crying too, I never meant to do this too him.
Sure enough when three thirty rolled around I heard a soft knock at the door. I ran downstairs at full speed and put my eye to the peephole. Sure enough it was Dustin on the other side. His whole demeanor looked different, like someone who knew they where going to die in the next 48 hours. I felt sorry for him and angry with myself for causing his pain.
I opened the door slowly, revealing Dustin on the other side. He just looked at me, neither of us knowing what to say. I could not look him in those green eyes as the guilt pulled my own eyes away. I invited him in weakly and walked up the stairs as he removed his shoes. I sat back down on the bed looking at the floor as he entered. I didn't know where to begin. We were like that in silence for a few moments until he broke the void of sound.
"Kyle, I am so sorry about this." He was choking back the tears.
I couldn't stand seeing him like this. I had to say something. "No Dusty I am the one who should be sorry. I should have never acted the way I did this morning."
"I understand why you did, and I wish I had never agreed with Michelle. I totally forgot that you liked her." He paused catching his breath. "When I remembered I felt so guilty it hurt, I tried to call you but you where grounded and your mother wouldn't let me talk to you."
"Man it's okay." I really wanted him to feel better.
"No its not...I should have remembered. You must hate me now."
Time to end this. "No man I don't. I would never hate you, even over some silly girl." I sighed, "I just over reacted, I didn't know what came over me. I felt really bad right after I ran away."
I looked up from the floor and our eyes met, I saw some of the despair replace its self with hope. He walked towards me and sat down on the bed beside me.
"If you want me to break up with Michelle I'll understand. I just don't want to lose my best friend over a girl." Now he sunk his head down into the palms of his hands and cried.
This time it was me who wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "No, man. I don't want you to break it off with her. It doesn't matter to me. All that matters is that we stay the way we are." It was hard to say that, but I just came to the understanding that Dustin and me would always be friends, nothing more. I felt all my hopes and dreams of him ever loving me slip away, but in their place I felt the content knowledge that he would always be there for me as my friend.
He lifted his face from his hands, the tears where spread across his cheeks, and his eyes where all puffy and red. "Are you sure you're not mad anymore?"
"No Dustin, I love you. You're my bro and I want you to be happy. And if Michelle can make you happy than I am happy. All I want for you is to be happy." Now a few tears left my eyes, not hurtful ones this time. He sat there for a second, looking unsure of what to say or do. Then he turned to face me while sitting and pulled me forward into a hug. Not our usual buddy-buddy hug, but a deep loving hug. His arms wrapped tightly around me and his head rested on my shoulder; the side of his face buried in my neck. I felt him sob and the wetness of tears on my neck.
"I love you too Kyle." Then I lost it to, I hugged him tighter and imitated him. I buried my face in the flesh of his shoulder and neck and started to cry back. All the lustful love I had for him was gone; it was replaced with a love of friendship. I was finally content with Dustin, somehow this love seemed better than the love I had wanted from him.
We sat there like that for almost five minutes when he pulled away beginning to wipe the tears from his face. I just fell over and laid my head on the pillow feeling glad that our fight was over. Much to my surprise he laid on his back beside me and we started talking. We lay there talking and laughing for hours on end beside each other. Never once did a lustful thought enter my head, even when he brushed a body part against me. That feeling for him was gone now, but I was happier than I ever was.
Eventually he sat up and said he had to go home. We got up and made our way down stairs, looking at the clock I realized that it was almost eight o'clock. He slipped his shoes on and gave me my math homework that he had collected for me. He said goodbye, hugged me, and left.
I went back up to my room a smile etched across my face. I sat down at my desk and began to do my math homework. About an hour later I heard my mother enter the house. I didn't say anything as I heard her make her way up the stairs and towards my room. She opened the door and came in.
"How are you feeling sweetie?" she bent down and kissed the top of my head.
"A lot better, I just felt really nauseous before lunch that's all."
"Do you want to go to school tomorrow?" I would usually jump at this chance to stay home and do nothing, but I wanted to go tomorrow just to hang out with Dustin.
"Nah, I'll go to school tomorrow mom, I am feeling way better." She looked at me with a little surprise in her eyes. She was expecting me to say yes. What can I say today was a day filled with surprises.
"That's good to hear. Oh by the way did Jessie call?" She was over at her dumb boyfriends house again.
"Nope not yet." My mother just rolled her eyes and smiled. She grabbed my dirty clothes and walked out, closing the door behind her. I finished my math homework and crawled into bed at about ten. I wasn't tired but I just wanted to lie down. A little bit later I heard Jessie come in the house. I heard her and my mother talking, but I drifted to sleep before they finished.
I woke up the morning in the best mood I had ever been in for as long as I could remember. I didn't hassle Jessie that morning or drag myself around the house. I got ready, gave my mom a quick kiss and walked out the door.
I met Dusty at his house again, this time when he walked towards me I did not sit there and stare at him like usual. He still was cute with his light brown hair and deep green eyes, but I didn't want him like that anymore. He smiled up at me, and instead of my knees turning into rubber I felt my chest fill with pride. Pride that came from the fact that he was my friend.
We walked to school, and like every other day we talked and laughed. It was like the fight yesterday never occurred. We even laughed about it. We got to school, agreed once again to meet for lunch and parted ways. I made my way to science and took my seat by Kerri. Instantly as I sat down she began questioning me about the night before. So I told her everything that had happened. She got that dumb grin on her face and said she was glad it was over.
Then something happened five minutes before class. I saw someone out of the corner of my eye enter through the door. Someone I had never seen before. I turned and look as this kid entered the class with his bag thrown over his shoulder. He was gorgeous, even more so than Dustin had been to me. He walked towards me, I felt that all too familiar lump form in my throat and in my pants. His strawberry blonde hair was set perfectly above the angle face beneath it. He had the sexiest set of sharp blue eyes that you could see from the other side of the room, and the softest, sweetest looking lips that had ever existed. He was about five and a half feet tall and had a better body than even Dusty.
He walked toward me and got closer. I thought I was going to pass out. I pulled my chair closer to the table to hide my now fully erect hard on. He walked right by me towards the back and my head followed. I must have stared at him for a few moments because I heard Kerri clear her throat. I turned and looked at her and she gave me a puzzled look. Jeez I must have looked like some love struck fool staring at him like that.
"What is your problem Kyle?" She had that inquisitive look on her face.
"Who is that guy? I have never seen him before." I tried to act straight and not go all mushy.
"Uhh he transferred her from the school on the other side of town yesterday. His name is Justin."
I cocked an eyebrow at her, "How do you know that?"
"Well I talked to him yesterday after class. I know that new kids always have a tough time, and you didn't really help him feel all that welcome."
Now I was confused, "What do you mean? I have never met him before in my life."
She got the smug look on her face, "yes you did. Yesterday he stopped by our desk ad said hi but you where to upset to notice him."
Now I had a vague recollection of someone saying hi to me when I was wrapped up in my thoughts of yesterday's events. Shit this hot guy made an effort to say hi to me and I totally ignored him. Guess I blew it there.
"I explained to him you where going through a tough time yesterday," she paused and then continued. "But it doesn't help much that you just stared at him like he was some sort of circus freak as he walked by. He's just new, what's so weird about that?"
"I just was not expecting a new kid this late in the year that's all." I covered that up quickly.
"You know sometimes you can be the sweetest kid on the earth," she started grinning, "but other times you can be complete spaz." She started laughing and so did I.
Through the whole class my mind could not get off the boy that was sitting three tables behind me. I had that feeling again, and I had to act on it. I needed to find a way to make up for what I did yesterday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------- To Be continued... ------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am currently writing the second part, It took me about 4 days to get this one the way I wanted it too. I will write the second one, but I will judge my writing the third based on comments I get from readers. So if you liked it, please e-mail me.
Copyright David Logann May 2002