For the second time today, I found myself not believing what was happening. I thought Matt liked me, but then he left.. He didn't even say goodbye, and that's what killed me. Suddenly, I started thinking that maybe it would be best if I just ended everything, ya know? Like, if I just took some pills, then I could go asleep and dream of being with him, and then that dream would never end! I started to get excited thinking about this. I mean, it really seemed like a good idea, and I'm sure it would work if I used some Vodka in the cabinet to wash down the pills too!! But then I got a text.
`Hey Chrissy, we still on for the movies?'
Oh, damn, I forgot about Josh. And then it hit me, that I do have people to live for. I was about to make a wicked selfish decision. God! I fucking hate myself sometimes.
`Um, sure, am I paying?'
`Oh Chris, you don't have to pay..'
`Nah, it's cool, just give me 30mins to get ready, ok?'
`Okay :D cya then bro'
So, I got up out of bed and went to the bathroom, so I could make it less apparent that I've been crying. When I got there, I stood in front of the mirror. God, I looked shitty. My hair was all tangled, my mascara streaked across my face, and my eyes were getting all puffy. I just took out a brush and brushed down all of my hair, I didn't really feel like spiking up the back again, and then I wiped all the mascara on my face, and decided to just leave it that way. I mean, the movie will be dark after all, and it's just Josh, not like he's gonna care. Just as I finished up, I heard his car pulling into the driveway, and so I grabbed my wallet and went out to meet him.
"Hey," Josh said as I opened the passenger door.
"Hi, what's up?" I said.
"Hm.. well nothing much I guess, just driving your lazy ass around.
When are you getting your license?" he asked.
"Hey! I like just turned 16! Get off my back. You're like what, 20?" I laughed.
"Haha, nice one, I'm 17, ya idiot" he said, sticking his tongue out.
"Oh, whatever, let's just go." I said, wanting desperately to forget about Matt.
"Hey are you gonna eat that roll?" Josh said, sitting across from me at the Olive Garden we went to after the movie.
"Nah, you can have it, I'm getting full." I said.
"Dude, all you've had to eat is one roll and a sip of your coke! Is everything okay?" He asked, sounding genuinely concerned.
I looked up from the table, and looked into his green eyes. They were slightly hidden by his jagged dark brown bangs. I couldn't help but notice how cute he was.. I wonder if he would still be my friend if he knew I was gay..
"I'm fine, really, just kinda tired, ya know?" I lied.
"Haha, oh yeah I know. That why you slept in Johnson's class?" He joked.
"Oh shut it, you were the one who stabbed me." I stuck my tongue out at him.
"I didn't hurt you, did I?" He seemed concerned again.
"Thanks, Josh." I smiled.
"For what?" he said, sounding really confused.
"Just for everything" I said, turning my attention back to my meal.
By the time Josh got me home it was like 10 pm, and I still had to take a shower.. Ugh, well at least I wouldn't wake anyone up, because my father still wasn't home. Hey, maybe he got in a car accident and I'd never see him again, but I shouldn't get my hopes up.. So yeah, I just went straight to the bathroom and stripped off my clothing. I was so tired, I didn't even bother waiting for the water to heat up and just stepped in, but let out a small gasp when the icy water hit my back. I regretfully shoved my head into the freezing stream of water and watched all the gel and a little blueish-black dye run out. Then I lathered it up with some shampoo, rinsed that out, and then some conditioner. Hey, don't judge me for conditioning, my hair is pretty much my prized possession. It's softer than most girls' hair, and I have no split ends! People just can't keep their hands off of it, and so, I mustn't disappoint them.
After about thirty minutes of standing under the warm water, trying to relax, I sighed and turned off the shower. Then I dried myself and walked into my room, not bothering to cover myself up, because I knew I would be the only one home. So once I got there, I pulled on some briefs, yeah brief not boxers, I just hate having everything THAT loose, and then I pulled on some sweatpants and a T-shirt. I hopped into bed, got under the covers, and then turned my alarm clock on, noticing my cell phone still out next to it. Then all those feelings rushed back. I managed to escape them for a while, but it just didn't last. So, I picked up my phone, figured, `what the hell?' and turned it on.
`Oh my god Chris, I'm so sorry, listen can we talk?' sent at 7:20pm. Shit, I was gone with Josh..
`Chris? Please man, I need to talk.' Sent at 7:40pm.
`PLEASE!" sent at 9pm.
`I really really need someone, please Chris, please' sent at 9:50pm.
`please chris' sent at 10:05pm. Oh god, he didn't even capitalize my name in that one.
`Matt? I'm really sorry, I've been gone. Is everything ok?' I quickly typed out and sent.
I didn't know what was happening with him, and I was very upset that I wasn't there for him when he needed me. I hoped that he wouldn't be mad, and I hoped above all that he was okay. And so I waited, but this time it only took about twenty seconds.
`no' he responded.
`Hey man, u wanna talk about it?' I typed.
`I just, need someone here right now.'
`I can be right over if you want. Which house is yours?'
`I'm not at home..'
`Well, where are you?'
`I don't know, on some road'
`Um, okay, can you get to your house, or at least your bus stop?'
`Yeah, I can do that. Hurry up, ok?'
`I'll be right there, I promise'
And so I shoved my phone in my pocket, grabbed a sweatshirt, and ran out the door.
My hair was beginning to freeze as I ran. It was so cold outside, and we just got snow the other day, so that just added to it. I wasn't going to give up on Matt though, I would run through snow for him, and I would sure as hell do anything to help him. And so I ran, ignoring the stinging of the snow on my bare feet, or the feeling leaving my nose and cheeks. Finally, I made it to his bus stop, and there he was, standing there, leaning on a tree. God, he looked so cute there, but as I got closer, I realized he was crying and his eye was black.
"Matt! What happened?!" I almost yelled.
He jumped, not hearing me arrive. "Chris?" and then he ran over and hugged me.
"It's okay, Matt. I'm here for you." I said, rubbing his back.
"I'm so cold, and tired." He said quietly.
"Matt, what happened?" I said, gently pushing him away, so I could look in his face.
A tear ran down his cheek "I'm so cold." He said again.
"Okay, I'll walk you home." I said, putting my arm around him.
"NO!" he yelled, and started shaking, and started crying really hard.
I got really scared, "Alright Matt, we won't go there, okay? Let's just go to my house." I said, holding out my hand to him.
By the time we got to my house, we both couldn't stop shaking. My hair was literally frozen to my head, and I couldn't feel anything in my arms, face, or legs. I led Matt to the couch in the living room and gently pushed him down to sit.
As I started to walk away, he grabbed my arm, "Stay" he pleaded, his one normal eye looking at mine desperately, the other too swollen to open.
"I'm just going to the kitchen to get you some tea, okay?" I said.
"Can I come?" He asked quietly. Oh god, he was being so cute.
"You just stay here, I'm not leaving you, okay? I'll only be a few feet away." I said, trying to calm him.
And so I walked over to the stove, and began heating the water in the kettle. In the meantime, I went to the bathroom, after telling Matt, and got a washcloth out of the closet. Then I ran some warm water over it and went back to Matt to tend to his eye. I gently pressed the cloth over it, and he just stared at me while I did it, his hand wrapped around my arm, but not stopping me, just holding on.
"Matt, what happened?" I tried asking again.
He just stared up at me, "I'm sorry, Chris.. I'm sorry."
"Hey, listen, it's okay. I'm here for you if you ever need me, okay?" I said, pulling him into a hug.
He didn't respond, but just held on to me as tightly as he could, which, at the time, was barely tight at all.
"I'm really tired," he said quietly.
"Um, you wanna sleep here?" I said, praying that he'd say yes.
"Your family.." he started.
"Only my father, and he's out." I said.
"Where is he? What about your mother?" he asked.
"I don't know, and dead.." I said quietly.
"Oh Chris, I'm really sorry," he said, starting to cry again.
"It's okay, just let me turn off the water, and I'll show you my room." I said.
And so I went over to the kitchen, and shut off the stove. Then I took the washcloth I had used on Matt and washed it out in the sink. As I was bringing it over to the door of the laundry room, I dropped it, and when I went to pick it up, I noticed my feet where bleeding. So I lifted them up, one at a time, and saw that the bottoms of each were cut pretty deeply from the ice I ran through.
`Well.. fuck.' I thought, but I wasn't going to deal with it now, because Matt was my main concern.
So, I just put on some socks, ignoring the slight sting, as the feeling was starting to return to my body, then went over to help Matt. I brought him some motrin, to help with any pain he might have, and then helped him stand, as he seemed to be kinda dizzy. Then I walked him into my room, and watched him get into my bed. And then I couldn't believe what he said.
"Chris, can you help me take off my sweatshirt and pants?" he asked completely innocently.
"Um.. yeah, of course" I said, my hands already shaking.
And so I gently pulled his sweatshirt over his arms, trying not to move his arms too much, because he was acting like they hurt, and once it was off, I saw several dark bruises over them.
"Matt?" I asked, almost speechless at the state of his arms.
"It's okay," was all he said, avoiding eye contact.
And so then, after he undid his belt, I gently slid his jeans off him, and found his legs in similar condition to his arms.
"Matt, is there anything you need to talk about?" I asked him.
"Chris, please." He begged me.
"Okay, well, I'll be in the other room, if you need me just yell." I said, but as I turned to leave he grabbed my arm again.
"Can't you sleep in here with me?" he asked.
"But the bed's small, and I don't want to hurt you," I said, thinking about his bruises.
"It doesn't hurt, I promise," he said, but winced, when I got into the bed, after pulling off my own pants.
"Um, aren't you gonna take off the sweatshirt?" he asked, starting to slur his words as he got sleepy.
"Well, I would, but I.. um, I just--"
"Chris, I saw them." He said.
And after I didn't say anything, he slowly moved to me, and put his arms around me, getting his head close to mine, and looking in my eyes.
"I don't care about them Chris. You're perfect, and I love you." He said, kissing me on the lips.