My End and Our Beginning 2
This is a true story containing an attempted suicide; if you are uncomfortable reading such material, or are not permitted to do so legally, please go no further. The author of this story does not in any way condone or support the act of taking one's life.
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Authors Note:
Since submitting the first part of my story to Nifty, I have been blown away by the amount of people who have contacted me after reading it. I am pleased to say that I have been able to reply to every single person who sent me an email, and I will continue to do so as long as I find the time.
Thank-you to those people who were brave enough to share their stories with me, they have really made me feel proud to have shared mine with you all. Some of your stories really hit home with me; some were so close to what I went through that I had to leave the room and get some fresh air before I could actually finish reading them and then reply. Others were so uplifting that they filled me with a renewed sense of hope for those who are currently going through Depression. Whatever your story, please know that there are always others out there who are willing to help you; you just have to reach out for them!
I was originally only going to write my story in two parts; Part 2 was always going to be the conclusion where I explained briefly what happened afterwards and where I am now; however, after some thought, I decided that I still had more of a story to tell and I would like to take the chance to do it in a little more detail. Therefore, I'm going to continue to write my story and (hopefully) submit it to Nifty as often as I cay; so stay tuned.
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MY END & OUR BEGINNING – Part 2
For those following on from the first part of my story, you will remember that I had taken my poison and finally fallen unconscious, awaiting my fate.
So that was it; I had done it; I had finally ended all of my pain and suffering. I remember seeing flashes of light and blurry faces, and hearing distant voices that I couldn't understand, but then, all of a sudden, I was awake, lying in an uncomfortable bed in a white room. I had no idea where I was or what had happened. I was sore all over but I didn't know why.
I tried moving, but couldn't gather the strength to do anything but lift my right hand. I tried to lift it and that's when I realised that something was attached to it. It was someone else's hand, holding mine tightly. I couldn't see who it was; they were asleep, their head was resting on my bed with their face turned away.
I tried again to move my hand, with a little more success the second time. I managed to pull it free but my movement stirred the person from their sleep. It took them a few seconds, but when they realised what had happened, they spun around and saw me.
It was Adam.
`What the fuck?'
It took a few seconds, but pretty soon everything came flooding back to me. I remembered everything that happened the night before; everything that I had said, and done, and worst of all, everything that I had felt; it was all back. That was when I realised where I was; in a hospital bed. Then I realised what must have happened.
`That son-of-a-bitch must have called for help; now I am stuck in a fucking hospital bed when I should been dead. I want to be dead!'
It was all I could think. I was so angry.
Our eyes met, but before he could say a word I yelled at him as best I could, in a voice that was so weak that I wasn't actually sure was mine.
"Get out! Get out! I never want to see you again! You were supposed to let me die!"
I was so angry with him. I loved him, but I didn't want to see him. I was supposed to be dead, not lying in a hospital bed. I felt like it was all his fault; I hated him.
`Fuck! Everything is just so frustrating!'
A passing nurse must have seen what happened and walked inside. I closed my eyes and did my best to ignore her. She kept asking me if I was alright and I just kept my eyes shut waiting for her to leave; eventually she did, and then I was alone.
When I finally opened my eyes the room was empty. No nurse and no Adam.
`Good. I don't need any of them.'
I spent the next few hours drifting in and out of sleep. I've always hated hospitals, even when just visiting them, so having to sleep in one was just pure torture to me. At any rate, I must have got some sleep, because the next thing I remember is seeing the sunlight drift in through the window near my bed.
`Oh joy; sun-light.'
All that day, I had doctors and nurses kept coming in to check on me. They nurses kept saying that Adam was waiting outside to see me. I kept telling them that I didn't want see him, that I'd be dead if it wasn't for him, and that's what I wanted, DEATH! They all eventually gave up; all except for one.
"All he wants to do is see you. He has hardly left your side since you've been here, but now you won't even look at him!"
I was still angry, but what she said kind of intrigued me. I mean, I had no idea why he was still there; `it's not like he cared about me'.
"What?" I asked, trying to calm myself down. "How long have I been in here?"
"Hun, you've been in a drug-induced coma for two days," she replied. "He's been here since they brought you in the other night. He's hardly left your side."
At that moment my heart sank; I had no idea that he had been by my side for two whole days.
I thought to myself, `Maybe he felt the same way I did, maybe he really cares.'
But I just couldn't shake one though out of my head though.
`Why didn't he fucking say anything?'
I was getting angry again.
"I don't care, I still don't want to see him," I snapped.
She didn't say anything for the rest of the time she was in the room; she just checked the machines, wrote something on my chart and walked out.
After she left, I kept going over those thoughts in my head.
`Why was he still here?'
`Maybe he does care about me.'
`But if he cared, why didn't he say something the other night?'
`Maybe he was scared too.'
`I wish he would have said something. At least that way I wouldn't be in this fucking mess!'
Late that afternoon I took a turn; my body was still struggling to recover from the poison and the treatment they had given me to remove it from my system. I remember hearing the alarms in the machines go off. I had a sharp pain in my chest, my head was pounding and I honestly thought I was going to die, right then and there. This time, I was scared though; I didn't want to die.
The whole time, while the doctors and nurses were around me, all I could think about was that I'd pushed Adam away. I wanted to say sorry; I still loved him and if he really did care about me, then I wanted to be with him. I tried my best to look around the room and find him, but I passed out and woke up four hours later to a nurse standing over me; apparently my heart had stopped beating.
I tried to call out to Adam and I reached out towards the door. The nurse from before knew what I meant and once she explained to me what happened, she went to get Adam.
It felt like hours went by but eventually I finally saw a familiar face peek through the doorway. He paused at the doorway, waiting to see if it was okay to enter again.
"Adam..." I started, but before I could finish, I was in tears and he was at my bedside holding me.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" I cried, and at the same time he cried "I know, I know; it's okay."
We cried and talked for a while and eventually I fell asleep; my body was still weak.
Sometime during the night I woke up to murmuring from outside my room. There were two nurses standing just outside my door, arguing about something. I tried to listen in.
"He can't sleep there, it's against hospital policy and you know it."
"Screw the hospital policy. Look at them; have you ever seen a more beautiful thing? After everything that he's been though, the last thing he needs is for you or anyone else to disturb them!"
"Fine, but it's your responsibility then; your patient, your problem."
I had no idea what they were talking about and decided it wasn't worth my time, so I tried to turn my back to them and tried to go back to sleep. That's when I realised; Adam had climbed up onto my hospital bed and curled up next to me; his head on my shoulder, his arm across my chest.
`They were talking about us!'
I didn't hear anything else after that; I think that I was too immersed in the fact that Adam was asleep next to me. I'd waited for so long to know what this felt like; I didn't want it to end.
Eventually one of the nurses walked into my room and over to the monitor beside my bed. She looked over to me and saw that I was awake.
"Sorry about that, I didn't mean to wake you up," she apologised. "She can be a bit of a bitch sometimes."
She wrote something on my chart and just as she was about to leave the room, I managed to say a quiet "thank-you".
She turned back towards me, gave me a smile, and then left.
`Maybe there are some good people in this world after all.'
I turned back to Adam and again became engrossed in the feeling of him being asleep next to me. I wanted it to last forever, but it didn't; I fell asleep and eventually morning came.
Early the next morning, a Doctor came to check up on me and explain what would happen over the coming days.
"We going to monitor you pretty closely over the next few days and make sure that your body returns to normal," he said. "We're pretty sure that what happened last night won't happen again, but we just want to me on the safe-side."
I was okay with that; I still felt pretty week, so I knew that being in hospital would be better for me. That doesn't mean I liked the idea of being in hospital any longer though. `I FUCKING hate hospitals.'
"Then, before we can clear you to leave," he said, "you'll need to have a few sessions with a Psychiatrist."
That was the part that I dreaded hearing the most. I knew I needed help, but the idea of having to see a Psychiatrist didn't rest well with me. `I'm not crazy!'
He must have noticed my expression because he quickly added "It's not because we think you are crazy; it's not like that."
"The Psychiatrist will help you to deal with what you've been going through, and then he can help us to help you get better."
I knew that, but I was still unsure about it.
"When do I start?" I asked.
"Today," he said. "This afternoon to be more precise. That is, if you feel up to it."
"Yeah, okay, I suppose," was all I could manage. It's not like there's any other choice.
"Alright. I'll organise for someone to come down later this afternoon."
And that was it, he left and I was alone with Adam again.
"I'm not crazy you know," I said to Adam.
"I know that," he said. "But it's not about that; it's about helping you to deal with it all."
"I know, I just... I never thought I would get so low that I had to see a Psych."
I could feel the tears start to fill my eyes; I hated what I become and realising it made it hurt more. Adam realised that I was upset and threw his arms around me. `That worked. I could get used to this.'
"We'll get through this," he said. "I promise."
`Did he just say "we"?'
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Thanks for taking the time to read this far into my story. In Part 3, I start my sessions with a Psychiatrist; something that I never thought I would ever have to do.
I'm keen for your thoughts and feedback, so if you feel the need, please feel free to send me an email – andy.smith3011@gmail.com – and I'll do my best to respond.