"The girl I'm stalking? She got me bumped back to 200 yards." Any Simpson's fans here? Anyway, my mood has improved, since I did so well on all of those projects (well most of them...my physics grade is now seriously in the toilet, but all of my other classes I'm still acing), but I'm warning you, this is a chapter that will make or break my readership: everything gets called into question: I will finally resolve Justin's story, I question Josh and Austin's relationship, introduce a new character into the mix, and build up more on Austin.
I have noticed that most of the stories around here have started entering the 'honeymoon' phase (of course I'm checking out my competition ;p), you know, that whole long boring ass chapter about a first date, and oh how special it was, and isn't everything great. My ass. If you are expecting Austin and Josh to be heading off to some stupid restaurant by themselves, spending a quiet evening alone to be romantic, you obviously don't know Austin very well. If you want lovey-dovey, maybe you should be reading another story, because this chapter is going to change everything!! Also, I won't be able to answer any of your email this weekend, because I have three games lined up (yes, we made the playoffs, even though we lost to Lewis and Clark State, those cheap bastards!) I hope your all rooting for me...I got a long weekend ahead of me. Drop me a line, and I will respond when I get a few minutes of free time. scottiescot@hotmail.com
"What?" I said pointedly. What could it be this time? Was he the reincarnation of Hitler? Did he want to reiterate how much he despised me, because by the way he was looking at me, I didn't need him to tell me that.
"You know Josh is gay, right..." he said cautiously, suddenly turning chicken.
"Yes..." I said, waiting for what he wanted to say. But I suddenly felt apprehensive. Everything that I had told Justin so far was a lie. I told him I wasn't gay, and I wasn't with Josh. But the lie was cheap, and anyone could have seen how flimsy it was.
"And you know he likes you...as more than a friend..." Justin continued. "Even if you don't like him back, I am telling you now, the boy is hot for you."
This was getting worse and worse. Lying to Justin was turning out to be a bad idea, because now I had to keep lying. I had to think what would a straight guy say when he heard that his gay friend had the hots for him?
"Umm, I don't think..." I started to say, but he held up a hand, and to my surprise, I fell silent. Well, it wasn't like I could think of anything to say anyway.
"Trust me. He's my best friend. I know he does."
"Well...what do I do?" I said cautiously, feigning ignorance, hoping that Justin would just tell me what he wanted, I could please him, I would quickly tell Josh the next chance I got, and we would all be happy.
"I don't want Josh getting hurt," he said bluntly.
"Me either," I said, and we both looked at each other, for once, without one of us glaring daggers at the other.
"I just...I don't like you...because...I...I..." He was at a loss for words. I gave him time, and tried to sort out in my head what made sense.
If there was any truth to the lie I kept expressing (that I was simply Josh's straight friend who had agreed to spend the week with him), I didn't come off very good: apparently, I was enjoying using Josh's fame to get a free vacation in Palm Springs, and free trips to wherever I wanted, and Josh's obvious affection for me was blinding him to seeing that I was using him. The longer we pretended there was nothing going on between us, the longer the whole group would think that I was just some asshole who knew that Josh was in love with me, and decided to take advantage of it, without even admitting that we were together. No wonder Justin hated me so much. It wasn't because he thought I was stealing his best friend or whatever I had thought earlier, it was because he thought I was using Josh for his money.
That framing incident hadn't been a joke after all. Had it worked, Josh would have seen me for the sugar daddy everyone thought I was, and Justin could save Josh from getting hurt by me. But apparently, only Justin thought that was the case. From what I knew, Justin and Lance were the only ones who knew Josh was gay, and Justin, his best friend, would be especially protective of him from what he thought I was.
Lance hadn't seemed to think that I was anything more than a friend, and he, like the others, had been nothing but friendly towards me, and had let me hang out with them and stuff. But I didn't know how they really felt. I had observed Chris and Lance exchanging glances, but that didn't tell me anything. Maybe someone, Lance or Justin, had secretly told Chris, and told him to be on alert for Josh. Someone might even have told Joey, prompting him to go on matchmaker duty for me, hoping that if I hooked up, I wouldn't have time to hurt Josh even more, and Josh would see that he had no chance with me, and wouldn't set himself up for a fall.
I knew that the group was close knit, but I was naïve to think that I could have been so easily taken in when we were laughing and joking in the van on the way to Disneyland. That they would all band together to look out for Josh made perfect sense. Now if only I could prove it was what was really going on...
"Hold on. First, here's your three hundred dollars, and I don't appreciate you trying to embarrass me in front of everyone, especially Josh," I said, pulling out my wallet.
"So you did have it!" he declared, his contemptible smile returning.
"Of course dumb ass, since you put it in there," I retorted, pulling out the money.
Justin said nothing, silently admitting to trying to frame me. I didn't need him to admit it, I already knew. Who else would have done it? I certainly hadn't taken it. I handed him the money, and he snatched it back, shoving it into his pocket.
"I know you're only hanging around us for the fame," he said casually, locking eyes with me.
"What fame? I barely know who you are!" I replied angrily.
"What?" he said, disbelieving. His mouth dropped open in shock.
"Well I know the name, but other than that, I don't really know anything. I was surprised that they were all over you guys at that club," I admitted.
"How can you not know N'Sync? We're everywhere!" he gaped.
"I said I know the name, but I'm not a fan. I..." I started, but Justin interrupted me.
"Then why are you here?"
"Because Josh invited me for my spring break. We talk on the phone a lot, and he said I needed a vacation after all this school and everything, and he said why not come here and hang out?" How did Justin not know this? Didn't Josh tell him why I had come out? Yes he had, I answered myself. I remember talking to Josh about it on the submarine ride.
"You talk on the phone a lot?" he repeated. Before I could answer, he asked another question.
"So wait, you're not here to go with us on the MTV Spring Break performance?"
"No, I don't want to see MTV Spring Break. I'm just here to relax, and hang around with my friend Josh. That's it."
"Are you going with us to Cancun?" he said.
"Cancun? What?" What the hell?
"MTV Spring Break is in Cancun. We're rehearsing here at the studio for a week and leaving on Thursday for Mexico, where we do our performance for "Girlfriend", then we come back on Saturday," he said, like I was the stupidest person in the world.
"You're...you're leaving?" I said, blinking, not sure I understood. I had thought the performance was here in Palm Springs. Josh hadn't told me anything about the performance being somewhere else. Then again, we hadn't exactly had a lot of time to talk. Where was Josh anyway? I needed to talk to him, another one of our long, up-till-two-thirty-in-the-morning talks, except without the phone.
"Didn't Josh tell you?" said Justin, his eyes wide.
'No... ...I... ...I thought the performance was here," I said, frowning. Why wouldn't Josh tell me something this important? I didn't know what I was supposed to do...if Josh was due in Mexico, would I have to go with him? Would I be leaving back to Washington early? I certainly couldn't stay here, by myself.
"I need to talk to Josh." I said.
"Wait, I still haven't told you..." he started, but I cut him off.
"Look, if you think that I am leading Josh on so that I can get a free vacation and some money, you're wrong. I would never do that to a friend. No matter who he is."
"That's not what I was going to say," he snarled.
"Then what is it, Justin? I am getting sick and tired of fighting with you! I don't even know why you hate me so much. What the hell did I ever do to you?"
He grew quiet, his gaze dropping to the floor. God damn it, the one thing I wanted to hear from him, and that's when he clams up.
"Well?!" I prompted. I wanted to make sure that it was that he thought I was using Josh for his money. It was the only thing that made sense, and if he kept denying it...what?
"I...I..." but before he could answer, Josh himself strides through the door, looking angry. One look at his face told me he had probably heard everything.
"Justin, you make me so fucking mad! I ought to ring your god-damn neck!"
"Josh..." I started, putting my hand on his shoulder, but he shook it off angrily.
"Who the hell gave you the right to say things like that to my friend? Austin wouldn't even let me give him 40 dollars for a ticket to Disneyland, why would you think that I would think he stole $300 from you?!"
"Josh, I..." said Justin, looking at the floor.
"And another thing. Austin," he said, turning to me. Uh oh. "I am sick and tired of all this lying!" Shit, here we go. I felt myself cringe with guilt. "I can't keep lying to my friends, it eats me up! Can't you just tell him the truth?"
Now it was my turn to look at the floor. Justin regarded me with a shocked look, his mouth forming a small o of surprise. Here went my credibility.
"What do you mean, tell him the truth?" said Justin, his voice rising.
No one said anything. Josh looked at me with hurt in his eyes, tears already threatening to spill over, if I stayed silent another minute.
"I...am...I am with Josh, Justin," I said softly, forcing the words out. This was the first time that I had actually said those words out loud, or had admitted even to myself that Josh and I were quickly becoming a couple. I had been hoping that we could keep what we were doing casual, and that it didn't really matter if we told anyone or not, because it wasn't like we were serious or anything.
To both of our extreme surprise, Justin looked at both of us with wet eyes, before turning and fleeing the room in tears. And I knew. I knew.
I knew why Justin hated me, and why he acted so protective of josh. I knew why he wanted to have this talk, and why he wanted to suddenly leave the club with us. I knew why he was so suspicious, and I knew why he tried to frame me.
He wanted Josh.
But before I could process this, I had another, more immediate problem on my hands: a pissed off Josh. He was furious with me, and he had every right to be. I had had the chance to make amends with Justin, and I had ruined it by stretching out the lie, to selfishly satisfy my own delusions.
The thing was, Josh was already out to at least some of the group. He had been telling me recently about coming out to the other guys as well, but he was afraid of how they would take it, because they didn't seem open to the gay lifestyle, which was understandable. I had said I could help him, maybe by being there with him when he told everyone else, like his other friends, his family, etc. But I was being a total hypocrite.
Who had I told about myself? Absolutely no one. Every single second that I wasn't with Josh, I tried to convince myself that I was just in an experimental phase thing, that I wasn't really totally gay, that I wasn't going to keep this up, but every time I looked into his eyes, and saw his smile, well, the rest is history. Rationally, I think the last thing I wanted to be was gay, but with Josh, I wanted to be with him so bad, it hurt. I don't know: I wanted us to slow the hell down, but I also wanted to be closer...I didn't really know what I wanted.
I was terrified of the truth. I don't think I want to be gay. I still had those hang ups that hadn't gone away for the past month, and I doubted would ever go away. Who was I? I had never felt this way about a guy before. I had never felt this way, period, all fucking confused and shit. I couldn't even think straight.
I think I wanted one thing, and that was to be with Josh, but I wasn't sure. He was so funny, and he made you feel like you were the most important person in the world, even if you were just a fucked up kid from Seattle that got dragged to one of his concerts. He cared about people, and was always willing to put himself on the line for his friends. He was so caring, and so kind, and so good, that I knew I could never be like that. I could never measure up to deserve to be with him. I didn't even know what he saw in me. I felt like a loser next to him.
That was how I felt right now, the biggest loser in the world. I had fucked up, AGAIN, and I had hurt Josh by denying that we were together. He probably thought I was ashamed of him, and it wasn't that. I was ashamed of myself, and I couldn't bring myself to admit that I wasn't the same: I was different. I didn't even know who I was anymore.
"We need to talk Austin, " he said, sitting down on a couch. I plopped down next to him, in a daze, still wondering how quickly Justin could run off to Lance's to tell him the news.
Josh started. "Austin, all day you've been avoiding me. Every time I try and get close to you, you keep pushing me away. Even when we're alone. What's wrong?" he looked at me, his eyes wide with curiousity. So innocent.
I looked down at the ground. There was so much going through my head right now, and all of it was connected to Josh. What would I say?
"Josh, I...I'm not sure if what we're doing is right or not..." I said slowly, avoiding his gaze. I couldn't stand having to see all the hurt I was about to put him through. I hadn't even known that I was going to say this, but Justin's words had scared me. He made it sound like Josh was putting all his hopes on me...all those years of dead-end relationships...all the hiding and pretending... that's kind of a lot for a guy to live up to, and I was really worried that I wasn't going to be able who josh wanted me to be. I wasn't ready for a long-term thing, and Josh was kind of clingy...He had followed me around at the club, and hadn't liked me being away from him when his friends had split up at the park. Did he want something more than just a casual kind of thing?
"What do you mean?" he said, swallowing hard. I hoped he wasn't going to cry, I really did.
"Josh...Justin said that you have been preparing a lot for me coming out here..." I started cautiously. God, this was going to be hard.
"Yeah?"
"Well, he also said that he didn't want you to get disappointed if things didn't come out like you'd planned..." I continued, still unsure of how to approach the subject. I looked up at Josh to regain my composure, but he looked like I was about to tell him he had cancer. His eyes were wide and bright, fixed on my face, his hands tightly gripping the edge of the sofa.
I looked down at the floor again. I wasn't trying to break up with him. I just wanted us to slow down. Forcing me to admit that we were together in front of Justin made me realize that maybe I didn't really want to be in a relationship right now. But it was now or never. All day, every time I had tried to talk to Josh about slowing things down, he had simply shoved his tongue in my mouth to shut me up. And I had let him, thinking that hopefully that was all or relationship would be: basically friends, but some sex. But if Justin was telling the truth...
"Austin what are you saying...are you saying you don't want to be with me?" he said, his voice tight with emotions.
"No, Josh, that's not it," I said quickly, looking up at him again. Damn it, tears were already leaking out. Why was this so hard?
"I just think that maybe we're going a little too fast..." I said carefully, still not meeting his eyes.
"What the hell do you mean too fast?!" he said, his voice rising.
"Josh, I..."
"No, don't give me that. What the hell do you mean?!? Am I not doing enough for you? Have I not treated you good? Then what the hell, Austin!? While I'm trying to make everything smooth for you, all you do is pick fights with Justin! Well I am getting pretty darn tired of working my ass to please you so that you can tell everyone we're not together!"
"Josh..."
"No, I don't want to fucking hear it. I should have known that you'd chicken out. Why do you do this? Every time I try and get close you want to run away!" he said.
"No, I..."
"Bullshit!! Remember back at that hotel, when you kissed me, then ran into the woods because you couldn't admit that we had something?! Remember?! Why can't you just say it, Austin! I've been waiting for you to say it for so long!"
"I...I...I can't..." I said quietly. I couldn't admit that I felt something with Josh, I couldn't. That would be admitting that I was gay, and admitting that I wanted something more with him. I stared into the floor, realizing how awful I was, and how could Josh put up with a jerk like me.
"Fine, you know what? Just forget it. I'm going to bed." Heg to up and left the living room, leaving me alone, feeling ashamed. Well, that went well.
After a few minutes I walked upstairs to the room that Josh had set up for me. Look how much Josh has done for you, you ungrateful little shit. How can you be such a burden? How can you be so stupid?
I locked the door behind me.
I lay on the bed without changing, thinking about everything that Justin had told me, and thinking about how Josh felt. For hours. I wasn't as serious as Josh was. I wanted to keep playing this game, to hide who I was, because I was afraid. But Josh knew the right thing to do. Did I deserve to be with him? Did I want to be with him?
That question surprised me. I had come out here to be with him, right? But not in the romantic way Josh seemed to have planned. I had just wanted to hang out and have fun, be casual with Josh. I didn't want to be all serious and intimate and romantic with him. I wanted some space. I wanted a chance to see what I really wanted. I didn't want to be tied down again. I wanted to be with Josh, but not romantically. Just as a friend, not as a boyfriend.
Still, a nasty voice said in the back of my head, you already slept with him. You were kissing him ten minutes ago. You may not want to be gay, but your cock says otherwise.
Sigh.
The next morning, I woke late after a pretty restless night, around eight o'clock. Josh hadn't come in to speak to me during the night after I had turned away from him in the living room last night. I couldn't find him any where in the condo, and his door was open, the bed made.
I also couldn't find Justin either, and I wondered where he had spent the night. He had said that he was going to crash at Josh's place, but after last night, who knows where he had ended up. I decided I didn't care.
I went back to my room, showered, and changed. Then I decided that I couldn't stand the silence of Josh's house anymore, so I walked outside, into the garden. It was empty.
I examined the garden, noticing how dreary it looked even though it was bright and sunny out. Man, I was in a depressing mood. Even the chirping birds seemed like they were repeating everything Josh had said to me last night. I decided to sit down in one of the decorative chairs that ringed the fountain and wait for Josh. I would be able to see him no matter where he came from. And he had to face me sooner or later.
I had decided more or less what I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him that I was still sorting out my feelings for him, and that spending all day with him had made me think a little bit about what I was getting into. Our cell phone relationship so far had been just what I needed to get over Jen: a nice, understanding friend that was quick with compliments I could never take, and always filled in the conversation with chatter, knowing how quiet I was. Josh had been perfect in that role, and I had taken it for granted, because now he felt I owed him. And I wasn't sure If I thought I did owe him anything. Friends weren't supposed to owe each other, but I didn't mean to upset him, and makie him think I didn't want him. I decided to just wait and see what he had to say. He can be pretty understanding...sometimes...
Unfortunately, the first person that I saw was Lance, who came out of his condo, the one across the garden, two doors down from ours, in the shade of a giant Indian laurel.
"Hey man, what are you doing out here?" he said, walking up to me. I shrugged.
"Is something wrong?" he said, taking a seat on the edge of the flowerbed across from me.
"No, nothing's wrong," I said predictably. What is always my first response to anyone's concern? Denial. Always has been. What a great combo, huh? A silent type deep in denial.
"You sure?" he pressed, peering closely at me. I wondered why he was so concerned for me. I had barely met him yesterday. But then again, like they say, friendships made in extremity solidify faster than those made in more ordinary times. Still, I couldn't really talk to Lance. Didn't even know his last name.
"I'm sure. Just tired I guess," I said, staring into space.
"Look, I know we don't know each other very well, but you seem like you have a lot on your mind," he said, folding his hands and putting them in his lap. He locked his eyes on me, trying to make eye contact, but I kept avoiding his gaze. The last time one of the members of N'sync had tried to get me to talk, I had knocked him to the ground, and fled.
"No really, I'm fine," I insisted, getting up suddenly. I twisted my ball cap around so that it was backwards, and gave him a weak smile. See? I could handle it. So what if Josh was mad at me, and no one wanted me here. Did that mean I was supposed to be all weepy?
"Well, just so you know, Josh told me that you were coming with us to the studio today, but he and Justin had to go in early. He asked me and Joey to take you," he said.
Sure, Josh had to go in early. Right. He was almost as good at lying as I was.
"OK," I answered Lance, again, never giving more than five words.
"Well, are you ready?" he said. "We're supposed to be there by nine-thirty."
"Just gotta get my stuff," I answered, turning back to the condo.
"Hey Austin," he said, stopping me.
"If you're upset about Justin, don't be. He's just a prick sometimes, just don't let him bother you."
"OK," I answered, not knowing what else to say. I just walked somberly back to the condo, walked upstairs, grabbed my backpack and came back down. Lance took out a pair of keys and locked Josh's door behind me.
We walked silently to the condo on the other side of Josh's, and Lance knocked once. Joey answered, his hair wet, his eyes over-bright. I wondered if Trish had spent the night here, and the whole evening came back, and I remembered everything that had happened after the club.
"Hey man, sorry about that Pam chick," he said, pulling on a watch onto his wrist. He walked out and locked his door, then pulling up the sleeves of his sweatshirt.
"Don't worry about it. She wasn't my type," I answered.
"Yeah well, I feel bad though, because the whole reason I wanted you to come was to get over Jen. You still seem kind of depressed about her," he said, looking concerned. What was with everyone being concerned with me all of a sudden?
"Jen and I are over, dude. I'm just a little down for some other stuff," I mumbled, looking down at the ground. I did not want to go into detail.
"Ok," he said easily, and I remembered how easy-going he was. "Well, Scoop. Who's ride, yours or mine?" he asked Lance, changing the subject.
"I'll drive," said Lance, giving me another concerned look. I looked away.
We walked to the garage, and Lance picked out the Land Cruiser. I should have known, knowing how reserved he was. I was pleased to see, though, that the black Merc and the Jag were both missing, meaning that Josh and Justin had at least gone to the studio in separate cars.
The ride to the studio wasn't silent, as I had suspected, even though I was. Lance and Joey both kept trying to get me to talk, joking around, talking about who the hottest babe on TV was, and stuff. I just stared out the window, remaining distant. I wasn't thinking of Josh however. I had another thing to push him out of my mind: work. I contented myself with trying to list all of the stuff I had to do this week in my head, knowing how easy it is to forget about something when you concentrate on school. I know, 'cause I've done it before.
Today would be the first day that I would actually enter the studio, though I had seen it from the outside yesterday before we had left for Disneyland. I figured I might as well get used to it, since I would be spending a majority of my time there, trying to do the homework that was due at the end of spring break. I was lucky enough that I had just had a chemistry test last week, but I had a lot of Japanese homework. That left a major calc project, as well as a calc test as soon as I got back, and a research paper for English, also due the Monday I got back.
We pulled into the studio lot again, which seemed a lot bigger now than I remembered from yesterday. Lance parked out front of a one-story tan stucco building with glass doors. If I thought the studio lot had been huge, I wasn't prepared for the actual studio itself, as we walked inside. The main entrance area easily could have held a hundred and fifty people in it, and the room was ringed with photos of other famous singers that the band's record label had produced. A few security guards were in the entrance area, but none of them were Mike, and none of them gave me a second look. Josh must have told them that I was coming. Lance and Joey walked up to the receptionist, a very attractive young black girl, who was seated behind a very large blue desk, which looked like it was made out of plastic. It matched the blue of her iMac.
"Hey, Lisa, howzit?" said Joey, and the receptionist looked up at them and smiled.
"It's hangin', Slim," she said, and we laughed at the nickname. "What have you been up to?"
"Nothing much. Just chillin' till we got those MTV rehearsals," said Joey, picking up some little knickknack from Lisa's desk and fiddling with it."
"I heard it's heating up this week," she said, and I caught her eye. She had gorgeous eyes, beautiful long lashes, clear and wide and brown. She smiled at me, and I grinned back. Beautiful smile.
"Yeah, it's gonna reach 90 pretty soon," commented Lance, leaning against the counter. I looked down at my shoes, realizing that I was staring at Lisa too long.
"So who's this?" said Lisa, indicating me.
"This is my boy, Austin," said Joey.
"He's kicking it with us, and he'll be hanging around here all week. Is that cool?" said Lance.
"Oh sure. Nice to meet you, Austin," she said, and I shook her hand. She had really soft hands, and that beautiful smile, wow. I blushed again, god damn I blush too easily, then realized I was looking at her again. I abruptly dropped her hand, and looked back at Joey, who had a huge grin on his face for some reason.
"We'll keep him in the lounge," said Lance. He steered me down to a hallway on the other side of the receptionist's desk.
"Later," said Joey and Lance as they pulled me away from her.
I waved good-bye to Lisa, and noticed that she was looking at me kind of a little too closely, too. She was foxy, slim, excellent body, with beautiful teeth. Beautiful dark hair, always a turn on for me, that was curled and styled perfectly. I chased the thought of her being attracted to me out of my head, and instead tried to think of good thoughts of Josh.
Joey and Lance led me down a corridor on the right of the receptionist's desk, and stopped at a double door about half way down. Joey opened the doors, and I was led into a bright, sun-filled room.
"You can chill in here and do homework or whatever. This is like, the main lounge, and if you ask Lisa in there for something, anything, she'll get it for you, no questions asked," said Joey, and now I realized why he was grinning. "Shut up," I muttered. They both grinned and left, and I remembered that neither of them knew about what had happened last night between me, Josh and Justin.
As Joey closed the doors, I investigated the lounge. It was about 20 feet by 25 ft, kind of comfortable with a whole bunch of squashy armchairs arranged artfully around the room, decorated in a blue and dark red theme. The walls were covered with pictures of several groups, as well as a few awards for their platinum record sales and stuff. A large marble coffee table was in the center of the room, surrounded by chairs and I set up my homework there, sitting on the floor.
I had planned on at least two and a half hours of solid studying time, because Joey had said that they would be working in the studio non-stop until about noon. I had brought my Discman to help me study, and my Rage Against the Machine CD collection, and had hoped that I would avoid another confrontation with Justin. I also wasn't sure suddenly if I wanted to face Josh.
Unfortunately, I wasn't doing so well as I was studying. The music did little to clear my head, and I kept getting distracted at all of the things in the lounge. I found myself stopping to read the signed record labels, and looking at several photos of the group with several business people, who I assumed were managers or whatever. I also examined the awards, noting that they were really recent. I knew the band was popular, but never having been a fan before, I hadn't realized how seriously famous they were.
After I had looked at everything worth looking at, I spent the rest of the time struggling. I had no one to ask for help, and was starting to get frustrated. I had only finished about half of my work by about eleven fifteen when Justin entered the lounge by himself. Sighing inwardly, I focused on the next problem, a strew of crumpled up papers everywhere, and pulled a clean sheet out of my folder.
Justin sat down in the chair across from me and stared at me. Why wasn't he singing with the rest of the guys in rehearsal?
I took off my headphones and was about to ask him when he spoke up.
"The rest of the guys are working on individual harmonizing," he said flatly, answering my unspoken question. "I told them I needed a break."
I nodded to show I understood, then put my headphones back on and went back to my calc.
He shuffled around a bit, but I was ignoring him, trying to figure out why my formula wasn't integrating right.
"Can I ask you something?" he said suddenly. I looked up at him, annoyed at the interruption. I took off my headphones, setting them down and turning off my Discman.
"Sure. What?"
"Are you like mentally challenged or something?"
I looked up at him, an expression of disbelief and shock on my face. What the hell?
"You don't seem to care who we are," he said, clarifying a little better what he wanted.
"What are you talking about? I thought..." I began.
"How come you have never heard of N'Sync?" he interrupted, crossing his arms over his chest.
"I have heard of you, I have just never really listened to anything you have done, or watched anything you've done, except that concert in Seattle." I didn't add that I hadn't even really watched that, and had spent the time rearranging the dingy waiting room.
"Then you're weird. How can you not even know my name? I'm everywhere," he said. I guess I had been right when I had thought he was self-absorbed.
"I'm not weird. I'm just not into pop music. Now can you please let me finish my calc?" I really didn't feel like getting into a fight with Justin right now. I still thought that maybe we could be friends, since he was Josh's best friend, and I didn't want to have to keep putting Josh between us.
"You are the first person I have ever met who hasn't immediately known who I am," he said.
"Justin. Please? I want to finish my homework. Can we discuss this later?" I said as politely as I could. To my surprise and relief, he turned and left the lounge.
He left me alone for about five minutes before he reappeared, this time clutching a stack of periodicals. He dumped them rudely on top of my notes.
"See? Rolling Stone, calling us the best band of the Millennium. People, listing us as the most intriguing band of the year. Seventeen, Life, Entertainment Weekly, Variety..."
"Justin, what are you doing?!? Can't you see I'm trying to work?!!" I interrupted, glaring at him exasperatedly. He blinked at me.
"This is proof," he said, however insensibly.
"Proof of what? That you're insane?" I shoved the magazines off the coffee table onto the floor. "Seriously, Justin. Dude. What is your problem?"
"My problem is how come you have never heard of us before when we're one of the most popular bands on the planet?!?" he said. I stared at him, dumbfounded.
"What are you talking about? I know who the hell you are! I just don't listen to your music. Can you comprehend that? Popular doesn't mean unanimous." He looked at me blankly, and I threw any chance of ever being friends with him completely out the window. Why are self-centered people always so dumb?
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I don't care! Now leave me the hell alone!"
"But why don't you care?" I buried my face in my hands in frustration.
"Look, Justin, you have to get over this. So I didn't know your name, big frickin' deal. Don't go trying to prove to me that everyone should know. A lot of people don't care." I said it as bluntly as I could. "Now why don't you go take these back to your room and do something by yourself for awhile." I said. He gave me one last clueless look before scooping up the magazines and disappearing.
"Finally," I said out loud. This was ridiculous. It was like talking to a little kid, and Justin was two years older than I was. What was with his sudden obsession that I didn't know or care about becoming a fan of his? Was there some sort of repressed need or something? It seemed his hostility was back, now that I had admitted to being with Josh. I should have expected it.
About fifteen minutes later, I heard the rest of the band. They had finished, and they all reappeared in the lounge, laughing and talking.
"Hey dude, aren't you done yet?" said Joey, seeing as how I was still slaving away at my calculations.
"No, I'm not," I said coolly. I scrunched up another sheet of paper and threw it into the wastebasket on the opposite wall. It missed. Well, hell, I was a baseball player, not basketball.
"We wanted to know if you want to go to this really tight restaurant for lunch," said Josh. I looked at him for a long time, realizing that he wanted to keep up a show for everyone else, and ignore the fact that we weren't speaking to each other. I sighed, checking my watch, having no choice but to play along.
"When?" I asked.
"Right now," said Chris, plopping down into a chair.
"You don't have to if you don't want to," said Lance, ever the peacemaker. "No, I'll go. I gotta take a break to clear my head," I said, getting up and sliding my notes back into my folder.
Justin came back into the lounge, and I saw that he had changed into something even worse than he had on earlier. Red leather pants (I think), and a black beater, with a very flashy Hawaiian print shirt, open of course so that everyone could check out his body. I was surprised he was able to fit his big head in the door.
"I think we should go to Lin Duc's," he said, completely ignoring the fact that the rest of the group had decided on some place else.
"We wanted to go to DeSante's," said Josh, and I admired him for at least offering a dissenting opinion.
"I don't. I feel like Vietnamese," said Justin, sitting down on a chair's arm. He crossed his arms over his chest.
"Everybody else wanted to take me to this other place," I began, challenging him. Suddenly, the room got quiet.
"I don't care," he said, mocking me. He looked over at me, sneering, and I just wanted to knock that smirk off his face.
"We out number you, 5 to 1," I countered, suddenly aware of the lack of support I was getting from the rest of the group. Didn't anyone ever stand up to Justin?
"Who says you get to decide? I want Vietnamese, so let's go to Lin Duc's," he said, as if that settled the matter.
"That sounds good," piped up Lance, and I looked at him, exasperated. He made it sound like we had politely been discussing our next dinner venue. He blushed and looked away. I looked at everyone else. No one was saying anything. Joey was looking worriedly at me, possibly wondering if I was going to hit Justin again. I wanted to, but I wouldn't, really.
Chris was looking at his feet, and I wondered why he wasn't using some of his seniority over Justin. After all, he was the oldest. Josh was pointedly not looking at me, obviously taking Justin's side because he was still mad at me for lying.
"We already decided on DeSante's," I said, though this was the first I had heard of the restaurant. "So why don't you go. We can meet up again later," I said, logically. This would work out great: Justin would get what he wanted, and I wouldn't have to see him.
"No. We're going to Lin Duc's." His stubbornness was infuriating.
"Who's we?" I challenged. I was going to force everyone to take sides, whether they wanted to or not. I wanted to know where the loyalties lied.
"Everyone," he stated simply.
"Ok, let's vote. Who wants to go with Justin?" I said, looking at the other four guys. Justin turned to glare at them too. Lance tentatively raised his hand, as I had known he would. He would have probably "voted" for me too had I asked who wanted to go with me first.
"And who wants to go to the other place?" I purposely did not say 'Who wants to go with me', because then I would be just like Justin, taking credit when going out to lunch hadn't been my idea at all. For some reason, even though I'm pretty non-confrontational, I felt threatened by Justin.
Well, wait a minute. It wasn't just some reason. The bastard had fucked my girlfriend, and had forced us to break up. When I had come out to LA, he had kept trying to make me feel out of place, like I didn't belong with the group, and that I wasn't good enough to hang out with them. Last night he had tried to frame me for stealing three hundred dollars for him, and now he had gotten Josh on his side. He hated me, and the feeling was more than mutual, as I realized his next target, after he had already taken Jen.
Nobody raised their hand. Nobody wanted to challenge Justin. I was disgusted.
"Well fine, I'll stay here until you get back," I said, sitting back down on the floor and re-opening my folder.
"Good," said Justin, satisfied that he had "won" our little battle. "Let's go," he said, and walked out of the lounge.
Nobody followed him, but that didn't do anything to cheer me up. I couldn't compete with the asshole, and he knew it. I was just barely getting to know the other guys, and he had had a whole six years to manipulate them. I was kind of hoping that at least Josh would stick up for himself, but he was just as intimidated as the rest of them. I felt sick.
"We can got to Desante's tomorrow," Lance spoke up. But it wasn't the restaurant I was mad at.
"Whatever," I said. I spread out my calc and opened my book. I could feel everyone's eyes on me, but for once, I didn't immediately feel self conscious about having everyone look at me. I was just too mad.
"Are you sure you want to stay here?" said Chris.
"Yes," I said quietly. I punched numbers into my calculator, then copied them onto my scratch paper, knowing that the numbers would be wrong even before I looked in the back of the book.
To my surprise, Joey, Chris and Lance left. Well, good riddance. I decided I could care less. The only reason I had come out here was to be with Josh, not hang around with my least favorite band in the world.
Josh stayed for a moment, before Justin popped his head back into the lounge.
"Josh, aren't you coming?"
"Yes," he said after a minute, and our chance at reconciliation was lost. Score another point for Justin. If this kept up, Josh would be so mad at me, it wouldn't take long for Justin to help him see how much better off he'd be without me.
And the thing was, I wondered if it was right. Maybe I wasn't good for Josh. I had gotten him to lie to all of his friends for me, and I had forced him to pretend there was nothing between us. I had kept him at an arm's length when it came to passion, and I had run away from him last night, to afraid to deal with my own sexuality. He didn't need me.
But I knew one thing. Even if I wasn't the best thing for Josh, Justin certainly wasn't.
Still, I was hurt that Josh had chosen to go with Justin over staying with me. Sure, it was just out to lunch, but it hurt. It hurt so much, I couldn't really concentrate on my work anymore, no matter how much I stared at my integral.
I sat there for about five minutes, not really doing anything or thinking anything, when I heard someone knock on the open door. I looked up to see Lisa, the hot...I mean attractive...I mean, um, completely sexually neutral receptionist standing in the doorway to the lounge. (Ah, denial. My best friend, practically)
"Hi," she said softly. But it wasn't the same aggressive, I-want-to-see-you-naked hi that Pam had given me in the club. It was a nice hi. A friendly hi.
"Hi," I answered, more eager than I meant to.
"I saw six guys come in this morning, but only five left for lunch. Mr. Timberlake informed me that you were going to be doing homework?" she said, the last part phrased as a question, as if she couldn't believe that I would rather be studying than going out to an exclusive restaurant.
"I'm having a bit of a problem with Mr. Timberlake," I explained, referring to Justin by adopting her professional manner.
"Join the club," she said, grinning, leaning against the doorframe. Damn, she was fine!
"What do you mean?" I said, leaning forward on the coffee table, so that she had my complete attention.
"That boy gets on my last nerve. You should see him bossing me around like I'm his damn maid," she said, and I grinned. I totally pictured Justin being just as cruel to his employees as he was to me.
"He's like, Lisa, get me some water, like I work for him or something. I'm like boy, get it your damn self."
I laughed.
"He's tried to have me fired like ten times now, but I don't work for him. He can't do nothing. I work for Jive."
I laughed again.
"So what's up, then? What did he do to you?" she said, looking genuinely interested. I wondered how much I should tell her, considering she was a perfect stranger.
"He slept with my girlfriend, for a start," I said.
"Ouch," she answered. "That's cold, even for a weasel like him."
"Well, to tell the truth...we sort of had it coming."
She raised an eyebrow. "I'm guessing there's more."
"Just a lot of stuff I guess. I hate him, and he hates me," I said, glossing over several important details.
Lisa seemed to know that I wanted to avoid talking about Jen, so she instead walked in and took a seat on the back of the one of the armchairs right in front of me, giving me a great view of her...
"I don't mean to be rude, but what are you doing hanging around with N'sync, if you don't me asking. You don't seem like the typical Hollywood type," she said, snapping me out of my distraction, a grin crossing her face. A similar one spread across mine.
"Let's just say that Josh and I are good friends, and he asked if I'd spend spring break with him," I said, feeling guilty all ready. Look how upset Josh had got when I lied to Justin. And I hadn't even learned my lesson. Well, would you have admitted you were "involved" with JC in front of his very hot receptionist? That's what I thought.
"JC?" she said, frowning. "Hmm. I figured you were one of Joey's friends." I shrugged my shoulders in reply. I knew what she meant: in truth, Josh and I didn't really have that much in common for friends. He liked the nightlife, pop culture stuff, and clubs and parties, but I liked more active, athletic kind of stuff. We had similar opinions, I guess, but the kind of stuff we liked was totally the opposite.
"How does a guy like you meet an international pop star?" she said, still smiling.
"My girlfriend dragged me to a concert," I said simply.
"Would this be the same girlfriend?" she said smugly.
"The same ex-girlfriend, yes," I answered pointedly. She looked away for a minute, sensing the awkwardness.
"Well hey, are you sure you want to do homework on such a nice day?" she said after a moment, pointing out the lounge window.
"Not really," I answered, the first truthful thing I had said all day.
"Such a nice day out," she said, stalling. I wondered if there was something more she wanted to ask...but then shook myself for being so presumptuous.
"Too nice to be inside doing homework," I agreed.
"Well, um, listen...I don't normally do this...but you want to go grab a cup of coffee or something? Because I'm on my lunch break right now. If you don't want to that's ok," she said quickly.
I looked at her for a second, and I thought to myself, well who ditched who? Josh hadn't even given me a chance to apologize before running off with Justin to eat Vietnamese food. I deserved to have fun...even if it wasn't with Josh. It was my vacation!
"Sure."
...And the plot thickens......mua ha ha. I know you'll be wanting to email me now...scottiescot@hotmail.com