I'm free! I have survived a hellish eight weeks of summer school, and now I can finally enjoy my...last five weeks of summer by finding a new job...hmm. Well anyway, the good news is, I can stop spending my Saturdays scrounging the city for the lowest prices on basswood and exacto blades, and I don't have to stay up until two o'clock in the morning pouring molds out of Pourstone and Plaster of Paris. Do you guys know what I had to do on my birthday? I had to find a site on campus and draw to scale EVERYTHING: benches, trash cans, even the squares in the concrete. It took me all day. The next day I had to make a model out of cardboard, which easily took fifteen hours, and again they didn't give it a second glance.
Other good news, I can finally stay on top of this story, I got some sudden inspiration, and I have written three new chapters all ready, but I'm going to stagger them out over the next week, so that I can write some more. It's been really fun writing this story, but a lot of pressure too. Hopefully, the lack of an architecture studio breathing down my neck will make it easier to write. I hope to hear from you all soon. Ciao!
Since it has been so long since I last posted, I'm gonna recap for a minute: Austin's been in LA for four days now, and so far, he feels he's done nothing but cause problems within the group, and with JC. Last night, he temporarily got over his fears and went ahead and made amends with JC, both because he was guilty for feeling something for Lisa, the Jive receptionist, and because he was afraid that Justin was trying to move in. This morning, Joey reveals that he feels like Josh has been hiding a lot from him, and that he doesn't treat him like a real friend, just mainly like a coworker. He resents JC's closeness to Justin and Austin, and decides to be an asshole because he feels rejected. Meanwhile, Austin decides to find Lisa and explain how he's sorry, but he's gay, and therefore nothing can happen between them, and then later tell Josh about everything.
Stunned, I stood there staring for a minute, prompting the girl to peer concernedly back at me, and say, "Is there a problem?"
I hesitated for a second, then said, "No, everything's fine," and backed up a few steps. Where was Lisa? This wasn't good...had she decided that avoiding me was her solution? I couldn't really blame her, considering I had made the same decision, but still. I needed to talk to her anyway, and tell her that what we felt for each other was wrong, and that it was no good for either of us to even dwell on it.
I slowly backed away from the garish blue plastic receptionist's desk, still lost in my thoughts, and decided I needed to sit down. I found a handy but uncomfortable couch sitting in the foyer, and I collapsed onto it. If Lisa took the week off, I would never see her again, because I was leaving at the end of the week. I didn't have any means of contacting her...we had only been out to lunch, and we had been too terrified to exchange phone numbers or anything. And I wanted to tell her how sorry I was. I should probably tell her that I was with a guy, that might freak her out, but at least it was the truth.
If I were any smarter, I would have just asked the girl at the desk if she had Lisa's home number, but I wasn't thinking. I just headed back to the lounge, thinking that maybe it was for the best that Lisa was gone. This way, I didn't have to hurt her feelings by staying with Josh, and she didn't have to think she'd be hurting mine by staying with whoever she was with.
I entered the lounge and suddenly had an urge to hit something, really hard, to get out all my frustration. Why couldn't Lisa just talk to me? Why was Joey being such an asshole? Why did the people Josh worked for have to work him so hard? That little shit in the suit, probably all of five feet tall, just wandering around, barking orders. Were they even allowed to sit down? If josh hadn't given me the little I-don't-need-you-to-defend-me speech a few minutes before I would have been all over his ass. Joey and Chris too, who the hell did they think they were?
Obviously, that solution is pretty immature and ill-thought out. But it was the only thing I could come up with, because nobody told me a damn thing. Everyone here treated me like I was a little kid. I wasn't allowed to see Josh in rehearsal, I wasn't allowed to talk to him, or hang out with him, and everyone was acting stupid about the Josh and me thing.
I bet I knew what happened. Joey told Lisa about me being gay, and she freaked. Didn't even give me a chance to explain. And since Joey was being such an ass about it, thinking that I was trying to play everyone, that seemed more than likely something he would do. As for Chris...well, he and Joey seemed pretty close. Maybe Joey had convinced him to get in on it.
But, I had a suspicion that there was more here than meets the eye, and that something about the way Chris and Joey ditched the meeting this morning showed a little more than refusal to accept me and Josh as a couple. I had noticed it a little yesterday, when Lance had chewed me out after being late with Lisa.
There was a rift going between Josh and Justin, and Joey and Chris. Lance was sort of in between, but that was how they always seemed to split up. Maybe they were just closer, but I felt a little hostility going down. It might have just been me, but I think it had been going on since before I had come to town, and I was willing to bet that it had little to do with Josh's being gay, although that seemed to escalate the fact. Joey was totally pissed that both Justin and Lance knew about Josh, and that they had kept him in the dark all this time. He resented the fact that those three were a little closer, and it seemed more and more likely that his nothing-really-bothers-me personality was all an act, kind of like the strong and silent thing I had going. He had been totally the cool cucumber at Disneyland, and at the club later. But whenever something big went down, or something really dramatic, he totally went berserk. He didn't know how to handle it, and I didn't exactly understand why, until I thought about how he had reacted so violently when I had let slip that Lance and Justin had already known before Josh and I met. At the time, I thought he was being totally irrational, but now, if my theory that they were already slowly dividing was true, this morning might have just been the tip of the iceberg, and that a lot of other similar, secret-keeping had been going on for years. Maybe Joey had handled it better in the past, but enough was enough, since this was a pretty major secret we had been holding from him. Either way, I felt sort of bad for him.
And now I thought I knew why he had blown up at me. I had barely met Josh, but I knew just as much about him as Justin or Lance. Probably even more. Joey had known him for a lot longer, and Josh still didn't tell him everything, so I could sort of see why he would be hostile to me. Also, my involvement with Lisa, however innocent, gave him a way to disguise his resentment towards me as honest concern for his friend, and gave him some dirt on me to get me out of the picture. He was now in a good position to watch me squirm, which was why he didn't show up at the meeting.
This thinking explained a lot about Joey, but I have no idea why Chris also didn't decide to come either, outside of possibly also feeling resentful, and wanting to help out Joey. But I had a sneaking suspicion that it might have to do with his personality, which I had sort of dismissed when I first met him. Chris reminded me of a streetpunk, someone you didn't want to mess with. He didn't have the height like me, or the bulk like Mike, but his hard, wiry frame and shrewd eyes made you think twice about him. He was real quiet, and he gave off the kind of skin head attitude I've seen before. One of those guys that hates jocks. Unfortunately, I kind of fit into that category, so I knew we would never be the best of friends, but he had seemed pretty decent when we had hung out together.
In fact, he reminded me of a dude I used to work with on the school paper back in high school. His name was Jayson, and he listened to death metal bands and Eminem, wore stuff in all black and shaved his head. Kind of a goth, but he was pretty smart. He thought I was a typical dumb ass jock, because I was kind of a major ball player, but he wasn't openly hostile. He did campus issues, and I did sports. Anyway, the problem came when our faculty editor had a meeting to vote on who would become the student circulation editor senior year. Me, Jayson, and this other girl had all decided to go for it, and after the vote I won, though narrowly. Jayson hated me ever since, and I heard him muttering shit under his breath all that next year, about how all jocks are fags in secret, because they like to grope each other and get all sweaty, and all that locker room bullshit. I didn't let it bother me, but Chris' similar look and stance reminded me of that. Chris might have just been one of those homophobes, but not a violent kind. But that answer seemed too simple.
This was all getting too heavy for me to handle. I decided that I wanted to get the fuck out of this place. I wanted to spend my vacation at the beach, not sitting in a lounge with absolutely nothing to do but mull over this complicated, confusing situation. However, I didn't know how close the beach was from where I was at, and I certainly had no idea how I would actually get there. Not to mention that I had no one to go with. I kind of wished I had told Tony what I was really doing this week and that he had forced me to take him with me. It would have been so much better with him around, not all this silence and this stupid fucked up cold studio. Even knowing that I would see Josh in a few hours wasn't enough. I needed to get my mind off of Joey and Lisa and Justin and everything else or I'd go stir crazy.
Who could I get to go out with me? Everyone was busy. Lisa was nowhere to be found, and she was part of the problem so I didn't want to go with her much either. The only person I could think of would be Mike, but come on. The dude had to be at least twenty five, and he was supposed to be working. I'm not really used to hanging around with older people, even dudes only like five years older. On the other hand, Josh was twenty five, and he was relatively with it. What am I saying, he was cooler than I was. He knew all about the right clothes, the right clubs, how to dance. Still, it just felt weird.
In any case, Mike was my best bet, so I sought him out, looking in that corridor I had seen him last. He was walking down the hall, looking through doors for someone, but he spotted me at the end of the hall and stopped, so I guessed that he was looking for me.
"Hey buddy, you have a way of disappearing," he said casually, as I walked up to him.
"Sorry man, I just went to the front desk for something," I said casually. "Were you looking for me?"
"Uh-huh. JC wants me to keep an eye on you, but after you guys left that room I lost track of ya," he said, smiling.
"JC wants you to keep an eye out for me?" I repeated. That was weird. I didn't need a bodyguard, what was Josh thinking?
"He said you'd probably be bored hanging around here all day, so he wanted me to make sure you wouldn't get into any trouble," he explained. Hmm, Josh has to stop being such a worrywart.
"Sweet," I answered, grinning for the first time today. "I was just thinking of finding someone to get my ass outta here."
"Wait a minute. I don't think I'm supposed to let you leave. I'm just supposed to keep you entertained, kid."
"Getting out of here would keep me entertained," I pointed out.
"You want me to get you out of this place?" he repeated.
"Definitely. I'm gonna freak out if I don't see something besides that lounge all week," I said.
He thought it over. Finally, he sighed. "IF I take you out of here, where do you want to go?" he said. He was trying not to say yes, but I could tell he wanted to skip work as much as I wanted to get the hell out of here.
"Anywhere," I said, pleased that I was getting to him.
"You'll have to be a little more specific, man," said Mike, and I laughed.
"How about the beach?" I said, though the idea of going with Mike now seemed kind of dumb. Maybe he could buy me some beer though...
"You wanna go to the beach?" he said, feigning surprise.
"Yeah, I wanna go to the beach," I said, taking him on.
"With me?" he said, sarcastically.
"You're the only dude I know in town right now who's free and has a car, so shit, why not?" I said.
"All you kids wanna do is go to the beach," he said, shaking his head exasperatedly.
"Kid, what the fuck you talking about?" I said, my chest rising out as I struggled to seem taller than I was. Acting just like a little proud kid, no doubt.
"Arright, you got a suit?" he said, finally giving in.
"At Josh's house," I answered, and he nodded.
So we went to the beach. Mike was real cool like that, and after stopping off at Josh's condo, which he had a key for, he took me straight to the beach, talking about his life, and how he was just doing security work until he got some work as an actor. I told him how it was weird that everyone here seemed to work one job, but really wanted to be in show business, explaining a little bit of Lisa's situation. He admitted that he didn't know Lisa all that well, but he did know that a lot of people were here for the glamour, not the wages.
He drove a pretty sweet green Beamer, and I remarked on how he was able to afford that on his salary, and he smirked and said he had friends in high places. I assumed that meant that a rich girlfriend had bought him the car, but I was too tactful to say anything else.
Before we actually went to the beach, he took me to a mall, because he claimed he didn't have a suit, and I agreed. The beach wasn't going anywhere, but it was almost eleven o'clock. I'm not big on shopping, but I didn't want to wait in the car, so we headed through the mall, trying to find something for him. For me too, because I needed a pair of shades. Also, as I noticed from summers before, if I continued to wear a ball cap as often as I do, I develop a kind of baseball player's tan line, across my forehead. I wanted to find a visor and some sunscreen. I didn't want my vacation to involve a sunburn.
We got the shit from a beach supply store, then headed over to some California Surfing store, where I waited for Mike to pick out a suit. While we were in there, Josh called me on my phone.
"Hey," he said before I could answer. "I heard you aren't here anymore."
"Oh yeah, I got Mike to take me out," I said casually, instantly feeling guilty that I hadn't called to tell him. "I needed to get out and stop thinking about everything that's going on," I said.
"That's fine, but Austin, you had me worried sick! I almost called the police before I noticed Mike was gone too!"
"I'm sorry..."
"Next time, just tell me when you decide you want to leave! I would have let you!" He sounded frantic.
"Josh...,"
"Jesus, You hardly know your way around this city! What if you'd gotten hurt, or..."
"Josh, calm down!" I finally said. "I'm fine alright! You have to stop worrying about me. Nothing happened."
"I know, but when I came by about half an hour ago to see if you wanted something from the deli cart, I was kind of hurt that you weren't there."
"I'm sorry," I said again, getting annoyed.
"It's not your fault. It's just...well, Joey and Chris showed up about a half an hour late, and Johnny chewed em out, so now they're blaming me," he said.
"Those fuckers," I said.
"Well...I feel really bad about not telling them about us, but you know how hard it is," he said.
"Dude, tell me about it," I said. I knew. "Don't let them bug you. They're the ones with the problem."
"I know," he said, sighing. We stayed quiet for about a minute, me imagining him in his dressing room, getting ready for another routine.
"I miss you," he said.
"I miss you too, but I'll see you tonight, ok? Until then, do your best, and you'll be fine. Don't worry about me."
"Where are you anyway?"
"I'm at some mall with Mike. We're going to the beach."
"I wanted to be the one to take you to the beach," he said, protesting.
"You just want to see me in a bathing suit," I teased, looking around to make sure there was no soccer mom or something listening to my conversation. Coast was clear.
"Well...that too...," he said, laughing.
"You can take me tomorrow, but I can't stay in that fucking lounge another second or I'll go crazy," I said.
"Yeah, I figured. Anyway, besides calling to chew you out...I also have a surprise planned for tonight, ok? So make sure you're back here by about nine thirty."
"A surprise?" I said hesitantly. I don't like surprises. "What kind of surprise?"
"If I tell you, it wouldn't be a surprise now would it?"
"Oh come on, you know I hate surprises," I protested.
"You'll like this one," he said suggestively.
"If you're part of it, I'll like it," I answered.
"I'm not saying anything," he said, and I could feel him smiling. "But I know you'll like it. Can I count on you at nine thirty then?"
"Damn straight," I answered. "See you then, sexy."
As I hung up, I looked up to see Mike looking at me oddly. How long had he been standing there? "Who were you talking to?" he said, smiling friendly-like.
"No one," I said totally unconvincingly. Like Tony tells me, I can't lie worth shit, and sure enough, Mike started prompting me with "Didn't sound like no one."
"Well, it was just a friend," I said, blushing furiously.
"Mmm-hmm," he said, but didn't say anything else. "You ready for the beach?"
"Definitely," I said, anything to keep the conversation off Josh. I wasn't so much concerned about how Mike might treat me if I told him I might be gay as I was concerned about Josh. Mike worked for him, and he could do a lot more damage to Josh's career, you know by telling the whole world that Josh was gay, if I told him that we were together. I just kept my trap shut, something I'm pretty good at.
I spent the day clowning around with Mike at the beach, and then at a couple of other places, which was cool. Mike was cool, because he never asked about personal shit and stuff, and it was like we were just a couple of guys. It was a lot better than having to worry about what to say, and who not to piss off, like when I was with N'Sync. They were too dramatic for my taste.
There were a lot of hot chicks at the beach, and more than a few of them seemed interested in me, which Mike commented on. He was actually quite a ladies magnet himself, being 6'5 and about 230 lbs of solid muscle. He was a flirt too, and actually had a couple of girls saying that he should come on back tomorrow, but we weren't collecting phone numbers or anything. We played some volleyball with these other dudes, and rented some boogie boards, and stuff, and had a pretty good time.
At around sunset, though, we were both pretty tired from the physical California culture, and my shoulders were looking a little red, even though I wore a lot of sunscreen, so we jetted and got back to the studio around seven thirty. We stopped so that Mike could get back into his security guard uniform.
The day off had worked. I had completely forgotten all about Lisa and Joey and Chris, and had just had fun, which was good. But now that we were back, a familiar feeling of gloom came over me. I was starting to hate the Jive complex.
Surprisingly, the windows were all dark. I guess I should have known that the place closes, but never having been there after six o'clock, I guess I hadn't given it a second thought. During the day, Josh had called me four more times for extremely brief chats, and each time he was slightly out of breath, as if he had just finished dancing his cute little butt off, which I imagined he had. The dancers had to work hard, but the security and administration and management didn't; they got to go home before dark. What assholes.
I relayed this thought to Mike, who somewhat agreed, but also reminded me that the group made millions, so it really wasn't such a bad trade off. Maybe, but that still made it hard for me to see him, I reasoned. Mike told me that it wasn't unusual for them to be working after nine at night, especially before a big concert.
As we were walking up to the front entrance, Mike started telling me about how many problems that there were with this performance. He said he had a friend that was on the stage crew down in Cancun right now who had told him that something was going wrong with their stage equipment, and they might not be ready in time. He also said that there was also some problems with the MTV network, but he didn't really know much about them, just that they were giving Josh's company a hard time.
He unlocked the front glass doors after putting in a security code in the alarm box to the right of the doors, and I walked in, hot and a little tired from our day at the beach.
"Hey Mike," I said, suddenly getting an idea. "Do you think it would be ok if I got to see them right now? I mean, I have nothing else to do," I said, tying to make it sound like no big deal.
"I don't know, " he said, frowning slightly. "Management usually frowns on having unauthorized visitors from the public in here, you know, just for security precautions."
"But you're security. Can't you let me in for just a second?" I said, trying to see if I could test the strengths of our new friendship.
He sighed. "Well, since babysitting you is probably the most fun I get to have on this job..., " he said, and I grinned. "I don't see why not."
"Sweet! Thanks, dude," I said, and I followed him down the forbidden hallway to that place with all the recording equipment. He unlocked the door, and I saw that it was dark.
Uh-oh. I thought, panicking. Not another one of those "Let's tell him that we're working 'til ten, but really we quit at six, let Austin find his own way home" bullshit is it?
But Mike looked up and said, "They must be at the dancing studio. It's the next building over." Relieved, I followed him out of the building, and across to another, identical building across the pavement, minus the inviting glass double doors. He slid his key card through the slider at the side, and we entered into a small, dimly lit hallway. It veered off to the right, exposing a large room full of costumes and clothes on racks, that was lit with a pair of fluorescent overhanging lights, but was empty. I could hear some music coming from somewhere, and it got louder as I followed Mike around the dancing studio. I was trying to look at everything at once, since this was the first time that I had been in a dance studio, and was surprised to find rooms that I couldn't quite put a name to, as well as a few traditional rooms of simple hardwood flooring and glass mirrors all across the walls. The music got louder, and I faintly remember it as one of N'Sync songs, so I knew we were heading the right way.
As we were walking, I wasn't sure if Mike really knew his way around that well. We seemed to take a long time wandering around, and he kept peeking down hallways, then changing his mind. Maybe he was only supposed to be a personal kind of body guard, and that usually he didn't spend his time in the dance studio, since no one was going to abduct the band in there. Still, we eventually reached a room that was set up like about ten other rooms we had passed, with a hardwood floor and mirrors ringing all four walls. There were no windows, but the bright lights still made it seem like it was daytime.
To my surprise, there was more than five people in the room. It looked to be about a dozen, all guys. They all were wearing the same sort of work out clothes that people wear to the gym, and I recognized Josh right away, but he wasn't facing the door. The music had no words to it, but it sounded familiar. I'm sure I've heard it before, but I can't quite put my finger on it, but I wasn't really paying attention to the music. I just smiled when I saw Josh, and I congratulated myself on surprising him. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face when he saw me. The music ended, as well as the twirling dance routine, and one of the guys suddenly stepped out of the three row formation and took charge.
"Ok, looking better, but I can see that everyone is dragging a little on the fourth jiggy hold, so I want to go over that again." The dude was tall, blond, and surprisingly athletic. He indicated to someone I couldn't see from where I was standing, but the music came on again, and then all the guys started doing this little dance-walk thing, before moving their hands around and whatever. The leader didn't dance with everyone else, and instead, walked around them, yelling criticisms to people who were doing it wrong. Josh spotted me and smiled, and I winked back at him, but didn't want to interrupt his routine. Unfortunately, seeing me drew him off beat, and the leader dude yelled angrily, "Cut! What the fuck, Chasez? Think you can find your own rhythm? You may be the big shot, but you better step when I say step. Now let's move!" The music cued up again, and a few other people looked up to see what Josh was looking at. Joey saw me and immediately frowned before looking away. Justin also spotted me, but he had a "it figures" kind of look on his face, and he just kept going on.
The music had only been going for about five seconds when that dude started yelling again. "What the fuck? Now you're all off step, what the..." but then he caught sight of me and Mike in the doorway, and he saw what had apparently caused the hold up.
I immediately felt self conscious, as I now had every eye on me, except Joey's, and it was quiet for a minute.
"Can I help you?" the director said rudely, checking his watch for the time. I maintained eye contact with Josh for a minute before I realized he was talking to me. I looked around. Mike had disappeared. "I'm talking to you, kid, what the hell are you doing here?"
To my surprise, Justin saved my ass on this one. "That's just Austin, he's our friend." He put a little emphasis on friend, but nothing anyone outside the group and me would know what he was talking about.
I suddenly felt like a complete fool. I had wanted Mike to take me here, but I didn't want everyone to know, just Josh.
"I...uh...was...just...," I stammered, not sure what I should say. Josh opened his mouth to defend me, but before he could, one of the dancers suddenly said, "Yo, man, let's get this shit on the go, we ain't got all night!" He was tall, dark with two headbands instead of one. He also had what looked like a bandaid under his left eye.
"Hold up, I want to know what this guy wants," said the director, silencing the black guy.
"I was just watching, cause I got nothing better to do," I said quickly, trying to make a joke. Noone laughed.
"Sit your ass over there and don't move," he spat, then turned back to the group. What a dick. I didn't move from the doorway to where he was pointing, in order to prove something, I don't know, but he didn't say anything. "Now that we are through with our interruption, let's get this shit going. Again, Marie." Marie, I saw now, was a girl in a glass booth at the opposite end of the room, and she turned a switch, and music blasted out from speakers in the corners of the walls. I slumped against the wall in the doorway, and checked my own watch for the time. 8:15.
I noticed, however, that several guys in that room were definitely checking me out. I don't know, but the stereotype goes that most dancers are gay, but who knows what's true or not? There was no mistaking some of these stares, though. I could practically feel the lust in their eyes. I just stayed watching Josh and ignored everyone else.
As the routine went on, I saw that the other, non famous dancers really did more of a work out than N'Sync, because they were constantly moving around and throwing themselves to the ground, while the group was the main attraction, having to stand still to sing. That other dancer that had spoken up, too, seemed to be more important, and I wondered if this was that dude Nelly that Josh had been talking about. He always stood apart from everyone, and did a bit of his own dance, and he was really good. Better than good, the dude did more work than anyone else with his spins and thrusts and stuff.
It actually wasn't so bad, since I didn't have to hear the wussy pop words, but I kind of liked watching Josh get all sweaty. He kept flashing smiles at me that I gingerly returned, and I'm sure a few other people picked up on, especially if most of em were gay, but who cares. Finally, after they had literally danced their asses off after about a half an hour, the blond dude said they could have another five minute break.
Josh made a beeline for me, and I stood up from where I was sitting on the floor, with my back against the wall. I hugged him quickly for about a second. Then held him at arm's length.
"You thought I'd be getting a surprise," I said devilishly, crossing my arms over my chest.
"I know, I must say I like your surprise," he said.
"Thanks."
"This is so great, how did you get over here?" he said, slightly out of breath again, sweat pouring off his forehead.
"Mike," I said simply. "He kind of left after he brought me to the right room."
"Mike huh? I told him to keep you busy, not bring you back to distract me," said Josh, smiling, but it was little forced. He looked tired as hell.
"I kinda had to weasel him a little to get him to bring me over here, but it was worth it," I said. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, just a little tired." He answered, but I could see dark circles under his eyes.
"Now what are we doing tonight?" I said, hastily changing the subject.
"Patience, boy. I am not going to tell you until nine thirty like I said. And you are over an hour early."
"I like to be punctual," I answered.
"This is ridiculous."
"Would it be so ridiculous to say that I couldn't wait to see you?"
"No, because I feel exactly the same way. Now about this afternoon..."
"Huh?" We'd already had this conversation, when he called me at the beach store earlier.
"I really don't feel comfortable..." he started, but he was interrupted. I smiled. I really didn't feel like being chewed out again for not letting him know where I was going first.
"Hey Austin," someone said from behind us. It was Lance, and he was dragging a reluctant Justin with him.
"Hey, what's up?" I said, slapping his hand.
"Not much, just a bunch of hard work. How've you been?" Lance looked almost as tired as Josh did. Dark circles of sweat covered the arms and neck of his T shirt, and if I wrang out his white headband, I could have gotten a whole cup of water.
"Yeah, I've been pretty tired spending the day at the beach," I said, and Lance and Justin both dropped their jaws in outrage.
"You went to the beach?! Let me see your arm!" demanded Lance. He grabbed my wrist and examined my slightly tanned arm.
"With whose money?" said Justin. I ignored him, but josh didn't.
"With his own money, and I told Mike to take care of him, since he left his homework in your car," he said, pointing to Lance. His voice sounded defeated. I could tell he was getting tired of getting Justin off my ass.
"Justin, will you knock it off? If Josh had paid me off, I would have probably gone to somewhere a little more expensive than a free beach," I said, and they all laughed, but again it was really forced. They were all falling down with exhaustion. Even Justin had to lean against the wall to get his breath back from laughing. I smiled a little. I was determined to turn him into an ally by the time this week was over. After all, now that I suspected I had been wrong about how he had reacted on Sunday, I had nothing to hold against him, and knew that since I was being a dick to him, he was doing the same to me.
"So who is this dude?" someone said, and I saw that it was the guy I thought might be Nelly, followed by Joey, as they joined our little group. Joey wasn't frowning anymore. In fact he was beaming. I was immediately suspicious, what the hell was going on?
"Oh hey, Austin, this here's Nelly, one of our back ups," joked Josh.
"What the fuck are you talkin' bout, back up? You better back up or you won't be able to shake your white ass," said Nelly. We all laughed.
I extended my hand, and he did this weird handshake kind of thing that I let him do. Suddenly, Joey started talking.
"So how's things with Lisa, dude?" he said, looking right at me. Before I could get over my shock at him talking to me and answer that she hadn't been in to work today, Nelly interrupted me and said, "She been on my ass, wanting money to get som'em to wear in Mexico," he said. "You know how dem females get, you gotta give 'em all yer gold to shut em up!" Everyone laughed except me. My jaw just about dropped. Could he have been talking about the same Lisa?
Joey confirmed this with, "Yeah, I didn't see her at work today. You get her to take the week off?"
"I just said baby, get yoself ready, and she was on that phone like a mother fucker, telling y'all she won't be in cuz she sick." They all laughed again, and Joey fixed his stare right at me, smiling evilly.
So this was Lisa's boyfriend. She couldn't have just been going out with someone from her school, it of course had to be the same guy that was singing with the band in Cancun. What are the fucking odds?
And Joey knew. This wasn't just a "coincidence". He was still glaring at me, and I sort of ducked away from the group to get a break for a minute.
Josh raised his eyes at me, but I muttered something about needing a drink of water, and DON'T follow me, I'm fine, and he let me, reluctantly. I could feel his eyes on my back as I whipped out of the dance room, but I was too preoccupied to care.
I doubted they had drinking fountains around here, and if so, I didn't know how to get to one, so I just sort of walked a ways down the hall. A couple of guys that I noticed from the formation were coming from one way, so I assumed there was a bathroom or something over there. I headed over there, and found the door. I went in, finding it empty, and I splashed water on my face.
OK. This was a little too real. I mean, I knew all this time that Lisa had a boyfriend, but now that he had a face, I couldn't stop thinking about her. Did you hear him talk about her that way? How awful. I felt so bad for Lisa.
I heard the door open behind me, but I didn't see who it was. I just stared into the sink while the water ran for the longest time. I splashed more water on me, and some splashed down my chest, so that my shirt plastered itself to my body. Shit, I thought, as I pulled my shirt out and started waving it to get it dry. This is all I need.
"You might have to take it off," said a voice from behind me. I turned suddenly to see Justin standing behind me. I almost freaked, he scared the shit out of me.
"Oh hey, dude, what's up?" I said warily, wondering why Justin of all people had followed me into the bathroom.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" This sounded familiar.
"Go ahead. I'm listening," I said, reaching for the towel dispenser.
He gave me a look as some other dancer entered the bathroom, so I followed him out across the hallway, into another room. He closed the door behind us.
"What's up?" I said, still trying to stay friendly.
"First off, I wanted...to...um...apologize to you. I know I've been a real asshole to you all week, and I wanna say I'm sorry," he said, not quite looking at me. Was I hearing him right?
"Whoa, whoa. Josh didn't put you up to this, did he?" I said cautiously, a big smile crossing my face.
He looked up, eyes flashing for a second, but seeing me grin, he smiled too. "Fuck you, no I'm totally serious."
"In that case, I accept your apology. And I guess I'm sorry too. I can be an asshole too, 'specially when someone's being an asshole back. Can I ask you something though?"
"Shoot."
"Why are you apologizing? Joey thinks I'm the biggest ass in the world, but why are you being so cool all of a sudden?"
He sighed. Whatever it was he had to say, it was obviously hard for him. I gave him time, and looked around the room, which seemed to be some sort of sound booth.
"I guess you better sit down, cause this will probably take awhile," he said.
"Don't you only have, like a five minute break?"
He considered it. "Ok, I don't have time right now. Later, after the rehearsal, can we talk? Without Josh?"
I bit my lip. "I don't know about that. He's still pretty pissed that I left without calling him this morning, and he has some sort of surprise for me later tonight," I answered.
"How bout you drop by my place after that then?"
"Sure. I'll tell Josh that we have to talk." I got up to leave.
"No wait!!" I looked at him, confused.
"Can you like, try and not tell Josh where you are?"
I studied him for a minute. What was so important that we had to keep it from josh?
"Why?"
"Just please, I'm going to tell him later, but I think its best if you hear it from me first."
"What..."
"Please?" he interrupted. He stared into me, his eyes pleading. I really didn't like lying to Josh. I hated it. But if he was going to tell Josh anyway...plus he had got me curious as hell.
"I guess. It'll be hard, but I think I'll be able to come over around eleven or so." I said finally. I hoped that whatever Josh's surprise was, it wouldn't last long.
"Perfect. Thanks man."
"Sure, I guess." I was still unsure if this was the right thing to do. But, I guess I had no choice. I wanted to know what was up with Justin, and I decided that this way I would be able to ask him about how he had reacted on Sunday (crying and everything) and how I had took it to mean he wanted Josh, and then today how he had acted like it was no big deal. I wouldn't be able to do that in front of Josh.
"Ok, well I gotta get back. I'll see you later, k?"
"Ok," I said dazedly. I followed him out of the suddenly very small recording booth.
Everyone was waiting for Justin by the time we got back, and that director glared at me for keeping him. I ignored him.
"OK, we're starting from Justin's entrance, let's go," he said, and Marie started the music.
The rest of the rehearsal was uneventful. I tuned out everything, and played snake on my cell phone for awhile, so that I wouldn't be distracted imagining what Justin had to tell me. Finally, at a quarter to eleven, the guy said "Ok, that'll do for now. I want to see your smiling faces tomorrow at ten thirty. Don't be late."
I got up and waited for Josh to drink out of a water bottle and towel off his forehead with a white towel before trotting over to him.
"Who were you calling?" he said as I approached.
"Huh? No one. I was just playing with my phone," I said defensively. Josh was acting really weird lately. He was acting really overbearing. It was probably just stress, I guess.
"Well, you ready?"
"Yeah, let's go."
"I have to change first."
"Of course," I said, smiling. He caught the joke and blushed.
About ten minutes after that, he drove me back to the apartment complex, and we talked a little bit about nothing in particular.
As we pulled into the parking lot, I started to remind him about my surprise.
"For someone who doesn't like surprises, you sure are curious," he commented. I socked him in the arm.
We walked down to his apartment, and I ran through my head a million things that he could possibly surprise me with. I hoped that it would be something dumb, like a signed CD or baseball tickets, or something, so that I wouldn't feel so bad about having nothing to give him.
Josh unlocked his door and I followed him inside, where he turned off the alarm system, and dumped all his stuff on the table next to the door. Finally, I had had enough., "Is this the surprise or what?"
"So impatient. Maybe you won't get your surprise," he teased.
I sighed again, and checked my watch. We had spent so long that it was already twenty till midnight, and I was actually more interested in what Justin had to say than Josh's surprise.
"Why do you keep checking your watch?" he asked. I blinked at him, but I couldn't come up with a good enough lie.
"An I? I...um...just wanted to watch something on TV later," I said lamely.
He studied me for a minute, but I dropped my gaze and suddenly found myself checking my watch again.
"Well, I might as well surprise you now," he said, reaching into his back pocket. Uh oh. He pulled out a small slip of paper.
Please be Dodgers tickets. Creed tickets. Even Opera tickets. I prayed silently.
"This is a VIP pass that'll get you into MTV Spring Break," he said, smiling broadly. He was plainly expecting me to jump for joy. Instead, I tried to imagine how much that piece of paper cost. At least five hundred dollars. I couldn't believe it. He had practically forced me to come to Palm Springs, and here he was with another very expensive plane ticket. Didn't he learn?
I couldn't accept the pass. How could I? I would never be able to pay him back. Plus, I wasn't helping the situation between the group any more. I was making the wedge even wider, and my accompanying Josh to Mexico was not going to be a good idea. Plus, Lisa was going to be in Mexico too, and I decided that I really didn't want to talk to her anyway, especially after Joey had already scared her off. It was better if I never saw her for the rest of my life.
And Josh was so strained lately, trying to get everything set up for this performance, and he felt so guilty about having to work. I'm sure that things wouldn't get any easier in Cancun, and one frazzled, stressed-out Josh wouldn't be a good idea. It was better if I ducked out before the concert, so that Josh would be able to get through it clear-headed, instead of worrying about how I was getting along like he had been doing all week, and springing expensive lunches and surprises on me that I never would have been able to afford.
I frowned at the paper. I didn't want to have to hurt Josh, but...
"Josh I can't go to Cancun with you."
"What?" he said, sounding surprised. "Why not?"
"Because...because it's not good for us," I said, trying to think of the right words.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you're really stressed out enough about this MTV thing, and also about Joey and Chris," I said carefully.
"What do you mean? I don't care about Joey and Chris! As long as we're together it doesn't matter what other people th..."
"I don't mean about us, I mean about how guilty you feel about not being as close to them as you are to Justin and Lance," I interrupted. Josh fell silent, so I knew I hit gold.
"I'm not an idiot. I can see that you guys aren't as close as you make it seem on TV. And I think that my being here is making it worse," I said.
"But I want you here, with me!" Josh insisted.
"I want to be with you too, Josh, but not so that you're fighting with all your friends and getting in trouble with your managers and stuff! You don't need me for that, and I'd just be getting in the way."
"I don't care what anybody thinks, Austin. You know that. And you are not causing fights, we're always like this around crunch time. We start snapping at each other before concerts and stuff, its ok, really. No lasting damage."
"Really?" I said, though I knew he was just sugarcoating everything for my benefit.
"Yes. And if that's all you're worried about, then you have no choice. You are coming with me, whether you like it or not."
"Josh..."
"Don't even start! You're coming. I will handle everything. Don't you worry your pretty little head about it."
I frowned. There was still one thing keeping me from agreeing with Josh that everything would be fine. "How much did this cost?" I said flatly. Josh looked up and sighed.
"I knew that this was going to be about money again. Austin, you are my guest, and my boyfriend. Don't listen to Joey, I don't think that you are trying to put the moves on me for money. Joey is just stupid, ok?"
"But..."
"No buts. It was actually more expensive to fly you here from Seattle," he said. I blanched, and started to apologize, but he held up a hand.
"Austin, I love you. Nothing is going to change that. Not Joey, not my manager, and not the people that dream up ticket prices."
"I still can't go with you." I said.
"What? Why not?" he insisted, his eyes looking pained.
"Because...because...," I was going to tell him all about Lisa. I really was. But that look in his eyes was something I never want to see again. And telling him about Lisa would not make the look turn into a smile. I hung my head. I couldn't think of anything else to say.
"Please?" he said finally, his eyes turning puppy dog, as he grabbed both my hands in his. He leaned close and kissed me, softly. I sighed.
"When do we leave?"
give me some feedback, even if its just to wish me a happy belated birthday, which was June 24th. Nobody forget, now. scottiescot@hotmail.com. Later.