The usuals: Don't read this if its illegal where you live, or it the idea of two guys is too weird for you. I would say that you have to be over eighteen....but this chapter is pretty PG-13, except for language. Only read it if you really want to because I am warning you, there's no sex, just a heap of drama that I am getting all out in the open in this chapter so that I can hurry through into Mexico in the next chapter. And I advise you to have read the previous stuff, because you'll probably get confused if you read the last chapter first.
Josh's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.
"Thursday," he managed to say through his smile. I tried to smile back, but I felt like the lowest scum on earth. At least he was happy, I thought, as he immediately wrapped his arms around me and crushed his chest to mine.
"God, I'm so worn out," he said suddenly, and I realized that he wasn't really hugging me as he was draping his exhausted body against mine.
"Yeah, you guys put in a long day," I mused. "You should get to bed."
"But I have to start packing," he said, at the same time a major yawn escaped from his lips. I giggled.
"I guess I can do it tomorrow. Come on, let's get to bed," he said, throwing his arm around my shoulder as he turned towards the stairs.
"Uh, you go ahead," I said, and as I said it, I immediately felt my stomach drop. I was about to lie to Josh, and I didn't like it.
"Why? Where are you going?" he said amiably, yawning for the second time.
"I...um...have to go to Lance's for a second," I said, the first person that popped into my head.
"Lance's?" Josh repeated, frowning slightly. "Oh, for your homework?"
My homework! Perfect! I couldn't think of a better excuse.
"Yeah," I said, trying not to sound as if the idea had just occurred to me.
"Oh, it can wait until tomorrow," he said.
"No, I want to work on it tonight,: I insisted. "I work better at night," I said, although that isn't really true.
"Are you sure?" I detected a note of suspicion, but that might just be because I was paranoid. I knew I wasn't a very good liar, and I've never lied to Josh before.
"Look, maybe you had a hard day, but I was bored to death. I'm not going to be able to sleep," I said, trying to make it sound convincing.
"Well ok, I guess I'll see you in the morning," he said sounding a little disappointed.
I hugged him extra tight. "Maybe I'll wake you a little early," I said suggestively, although sex was the furthest thing from my mind.
He smiled at the thought, and kissed me goodnight. "Lock up when you get back," he said, then turned and went upstairs.
I don't really know how I felt as I walked across the garden to Justin's house. I felt guilty as hell for lying to Josh, but I also thought that maybe whatever Justin had to tell me would clear everything up, and I would be able to tell Josh later anyway. I was still a little apprehensive, remembering that the last time Justin and I had had a face-to-face confrontation, I had ended up with both he and Josh furious with me, because I had been trying to pretend that Josh and I weren't really becoming something a lot more than friends. It was hard to believe that was only three days ago. So much had happened since then.
I was nervous that whatever Justin had to say, it was going to be about me, and how I was messing everything up for them, causing rifts and stuff right before an important performance. Josh had tried to placate me by saying that this happened a lot, especially before concerts, but I wasn't buying it. I knew that it was no damn coincidence that the same day Josh and I admit to everyone that we were together is the same day Joey and Chris are suddenly feeling hostile. And even though I tried to tell myself that their feelings were their own, and that I couldn't really change their opinions of me, I still felt responsible for ruining everything.
I wasn't entirely to blame, however. It's really a stressful time for the group, period. According to what I had been overhearing, and contrary to what Josh has been telling me all along, things aren't going as smoothly for N'Sync for Saturday as they had anticipated. Even with Josh coming in early everyday to make sure the sound was right, and the late dance workouts, everything was literally falling apart. First of all, according to Josh Nelly was supposed to have arrived on Saturday, the same day that I came in. Today was Tuesday, so he set back the dress rehearsals four days. At first I thought that that was the reason that they were just barely finishing at eleven at night, to make up for lost time, but according to Mike, this was a typical day. Holy shit! Another week like this and I might not have a Josh left, as he'll have danced himself to an early grave. For another thing, Mike had told me that something was wrong with the lights that they had ordered, when we were talking about Josh working late tonight. As far as I knew, there was already some sort of temporary stage set up at the site, and that other musicians had been using it all week, but the extra equipment that N'Sync had shipped in for their Saturday shot hadn't all been delivered on time, and there was some sort of problem that management was trying to downplay. I don't really know the details. The reason Mike knew was because he had a friend that was a roadie that had been down south for about three weeks already, getting everything ready for the Spring Break Special. He had told mike that they had been having nothing but problems, especially with the MTV network executives and the local authorities.
I've never really like watching MTV, and I don't know much about how the business works, but according to Mike, and to Josh, too, as a network, they weren't exactly very cooperative or accommodating. If I were paying for a huge show like MTV Spring Break, I would make sure that everything is running smoothly, and keep everything organized, MTV basically just told Jive that their delivery problems were their own problems, and they would dump them from the performance without a second thought. Also, yesterday, Josh told me that MTV changed the lineup for the rest of the week, and that they hadn't gotten back to tell Josh's company exactly when they were going to be on camera. Now I know nothing about the music business, but that doesn't sound very organized. What if timing had to be worked for their routines, or the light show that they were putting on would only be possible at night? And since the whole thing was going down in less than a week, I don't know how they were going to get it together. And even though Nelly's unintentional delay and the problems with the lighting equipment weren't Josh's fault, I knew that he would think that it was his fault anyway. That's just the kind of person he is, with the weight of the world on his shoulders.
The stress that I have been seeing in Josh's eyes lately is almost too much to bear, and I fervently hoped that Justin would only need me for a few minutes. I desperately wanted to get back and hold Josh in my arms and try and make everything ok for him. Stupid MTV. Josh already has enough stress with me and Joey and Chris.
On top of that, I still hadn't gotten a chance to tell Josh about Lisa. I had wanted to when I first got back to the studio, but just seeing Josh's tired face, and hearing everything that was going wrong, I just couldn't add another heap of stress on him. Then, when we got home, I just couldn't bear to tell him, not when he needed me to be there for him. He invited me to Cancun with him, and he had gone on and on about how I was the only thing keeping him going, and I just felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world, because I was dong nothing but cause problems. I didn't deserve to go with him, but the stupid idiot wouldn't take no for an answer. But as much as the truth needed to come out, I knew that now was not the right time.
Unfortunately, thanks to Joey, now I knew that Lisa was coming to Cancun, too. Which meant that I would have to talk to her. I knew that I had to, but I partly wanted to really just pretend nothing had happened, and also, because I didn't want Joey or loudmouth Lance to know. If I did see her, I hoped that it would be before we left, so that we didn't make things any harder on Nelly and the guys as it already was.
As I approached Justin's door, I reflected on how confused I had been this morning, and desperate to get out of all this drama, so I had spent the day at the beach with Mike. Now that I was a little more aware of what was going on, I realized that I was back where I started. Completely helpless. As much as I wanted to make Josh happy, and solve all these problems, they were way beyond my power. All I could do was hope that Justin would have some answers, instead of bringing up more questions.
I knocked slightly, and glanced at my watch again for the fourteen billionth time today. It was a little before twelve. Jsutin answered almost immediately, and pulled me inside without saying anything.
"What did you tell Josh?" he said, without even saying hi.
"I said that I was going to get my homework from Lance and work on it a little so that he could get to bed," I shrugged, glancing around. Even though I had bveen here before, when I burst in and kissed Josh in front of everyone, I hadn't really looked at the place. And I noticed that where Josh had gone all out with an expensive decorating job in every room, Justin's place was really plain. It looked like a vacant house. Nothing on the walls. Plain gray carpet and simple, featureless tilework in the entryway.
Justin walked through the entryway into another room, and I followed him into what I thought would be the living room, but what turned out to be completely empty. The same plain gray carpeting. Oh wait, not completely empty. He had an empty twelve-pack case in the corner, and a few empty cans of Bud littering the ground.
We walked into the kitchen, the first room that had any furniture in it. There was a simple wooden table and four chairs painted black under the window. The cabinets were oak, the appliances gleaming stainless steel, but other than that this room was as plain and ghostlike as the living room and entryway were, the walls just plain white.
"Sorry about all this sneaking around, man. I just don't want JC to worry about anything else right now," he said somberly, while I stood awkwardly in the doorway.
"I know what you mean, You guys work a lot harder than I thought you do," I said.
"Sit. You want something to drink?" he said, heading for the fridge.
"No thanks," I answered, as I pulled out one of the chairs, making a noisy scraping sound against the tile.
"You sure? I got Heineken," he said, pulling out two cans.
"I'm fine," I said, but he didn't put the other one back. He set one next to my hand, and popped the top of his before taking a long swig.
I waited for him to start, since it was his idea to have this talk in the first place. He didn't talk though, he just kept chugging, so I went ahead and started.
"Earlier you said you were going to tell me why you freaked to on Sunday, when Josh and I told you we were...you know...," I said, trailing off.
"Oh yeah," he answered, as if he was just remembering. "Well I didn't really freak out, I was just really mad," he said.
I waited for him to explain.
He hesitated, then stalled some more by taking another swig. "Dude, its gonna sound really dumb if I tell you this...,"
"Just tell me. As long as it's the truth, I don't care." I said flatly. I was annoyed that he was the one who wanted to talk to me, yet he didn't want to talk. I let my annoyance fade, as I remembered that I wanted to be friends with Justin, so that Josh wouldn't feel like he was constantly a referee, and that if I was nasty to him, he would be nasty right back.
He thought about it for a minute, then finally mumbled something that I couldn't hear.
"What?" I said, leaning closer.
He purposefully didn't look me in the eye, then said sullenly, "I was pissed of because I was jealous of you, ok?"
I stared back at him for a minute before repeating, "What?"
He sighed. Then he finished off his can and slammed it back onto the table. "Look, I really don't want to admit it, but I'm jealous, ok? Are you happy? I said it."
"You're jealous because you want Josh, is that it?" I said, finally seeing some sense. His attitude of indifference had confused me this morning, but now that he actually admitted that he wanted Josh, like I had always thought, and had been so afraid of last night, I could understand why he was so nasty to me all week. And why he had been the first to suspect that something was going on between Josh and me. And why he had been so upset on Sunday. Justin must be gay, too.
"What?" he repeated. "NO!" No?!?
"No?!?" I said incredulously. "I thought that that was why you hated me, and why you got all upset at us, because I thought that..."
"You thought that I'm after Josh? Hell no! We are best friends, but nothing else, why the hell would you think that?"
"Because..."
"All right, all right, never mind," he interrupted. "No, I am not in love with Josh, and I never have been." He said it so succinctly that I believed him.
"But that makes no sense!" I cried after a minute.
He raised his eyebrows. "Why not? It's the truth."
"You said you were jealous of me. Jealous because I'm with Josh, and you're not, right?"
"No, I told you I'm not in love with him, dumb ass!"
"Then what the hell are you jealous about?"
He just looked blankly back at me. I buried my face in my hands and rubbed my temples, while he got up to get another beer.
He brought another two to the table, even though I hadn't even opened mine. Maybe they were both for him. As he was opening his can, I started thinking something. If Justin wasn't after Josh...was he even gay at all? At first I thought no, he must not be. The only reason I had ever thought he might be was because he got all upset when I told him that Josh and I were sleeping together. But if he wasn't...
Before I met Josh, before I had even thought about being in love with a guy, if someone said to me, are you in love with Tony, or some other guy friend of mine, I would have been al, "Hell no, I'm not gay, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Justin hadn't said that. He just denied being in love with Josh, not denying that he COULD be. Which meant....what? Why wasn't his first reaction "I'm not gay, asshole!" like any straight guy would have said?
After a minute, he said," I guess I'm jealous because you seem to have no problem suddenly being gay." Bingo.
I let a few seconds pass before I dared to ask," Justin, are you...are you gay?"
"He turned to look at me. "Obviously brains don't come with good looks and a great body."
"Huh?" I said, confused.
"Never mind. I don't know if I am gay or not, but it kills me that you barely 'found out' a few weeks ago, and you seem to be perfectly ok with it."
"You're jealous because you think I know?" I said, shaking my head in disbelief. "Justin, even as happy as I am with Josh, I still don't know. I'm just as confused as you are."
"But you don't let it show," he said suddenly.
"What do you mean?" I never let anything show, that was just my stony personality.
"I mean, how in the hell did you go from that girl you were seeing to Josh in one weekend? How did you accept it? Weren't you confused? Didn't you deny it? Weren't you mad?"
"Of course I was. I nearly killed myself, don't you remember? I was so fucked up and confused that I took off, and made you guys a few hours late while you looked for me, remember? Joey nearly ran over me with his car...where the hell were you?"
"The emergency room," he said sullenly, glaring at me. I immediately felt guilty.
"Look, I'm sorry about hitting you..." I mumbled, staring at my hands.
"Don't worry about it. I deserved it. It's all in the past," he said.
We both sat in silence, and I decided to open up my can anyway. This conversation wasn't quite what I had anticipated.
"Even if you say that you were a little confused, you seem fine now. I've been struglling with this since I was like fourteen. And I still don't know. How do you know?"
"Know what?"
"Know that you were into guys?"
I considered this. "I didn't know. I only know one thing; if I hadn't met Josh, I probably never would have even considered it. "
He sighed. "But that's so..." he hesitated, then started again. "...but why Josh? What did he do to you? Did he give you a mind blowing blow job or something?"
We both had to laugh. It was the stupidest thing, but we both laughed for a long time, both of us feeling a little buzzed.
Then I turned serious. "When I first met Josh, he was the nicest, most compassionate, kind wonderful person I had ever met. He took everything I said seriously, and he listened to everything. He was so easy to talk to; I spilled my whole life out for him in one night. And it was hard, because you know how much of a talker I am," I said. Justin nodded in agreement.
"And at the time...I just felt...so lost. Because of what happened with you and Jen. I mean, I thought I only had one person in my life, one person that I could go to with anything, and that would always be there for me. She was my best friend, and I worshipped the ground she walked on. I was so much in love with her that I couldn't see anything else."
And I didn't see that she was scared at how needy I was. She knew that she couldn't give herself as fully as e, and that I was sort of using her to stay alive. She was the first person that I trusted, really trusted, but she thought it was unhealthy for me to so completely bare myself to her, and to be so obsessed with her, but I couldn't help it. I loved her. It was so bad, that she tried slowing things down, to save our relationship, bu tit just hurt me. I held on, never wanting to let go the first person that had meant so much to me, but it wasn't working. We were constantly fighting. Everyday almost. We didn't like each other's friends, or each other's interests. It was so bad, that she decided we needed to break up. We had talked about maybe taking a break from each other, you know, before that concert, but I didn't want to let her go. I think that's when she decided to take matters into her own hands, and try and break us up without hurting me, or me knowing about it, so that I wouldn't think it was my fault. That's how much she cared."
But no matter which way she did it, she knew that breaking up with me would hurt me, but she thought it would be healthier for me if we broke up with me hating her guts, so that I wouldn't blame myself so much. I assume that's why she was kissing you. But it still hurt. It hurt like you wouldn't believe, because without her, I didn't have anyone else. No close friends, nothing. But Josh was there. By sheer coincidence, he was there when I saw...you...He was strong when I couldn't be anymore, and he didn't think any less of me when he saw me crying in pain, in loss at what I thought was the best thing that had ever happened to me. He thought more of me. He didn't let me fade, he made me feel needed. He was there for me, when I knew that no one else would be, Justin. And, more importantly...he was a complete stranger that was leaving in two days. So...I made a decision. I decided that I wanted that closeness that we shared. I wanted that bond, and I didn't care what I would have to do to keep it."
Justin just looked at me wide eyed, while I continued my story. "There haven't been many good things that have happened to me in my life. But I've learned that when something good does happen, I should hold onto it, because I never know if it'll be taken away from me. And Josh is a good thing, a very good thing. I'm not going to let him go because some people think that our love is wrong."
Justin put his hand on my arm as a comforting gesture, but I had already realized this a long time ago. Instead, I smiled thinly at him.
"I'm sorry that that probably doesn't help you, but at least you know I didn't just get up one day and decide, hey I think I like dick now, right?"
He laughed. "I'm sorry Austin. I had no idea. I thought...I don't know what I though really. I guess I should explain why I was being such an ass, huh?"
"You don't have to if you don't want," I said. I had already pretty much figured it out myself.
"yes I do. Because it has to do with Josh...and Britney...and you."
I watched him with reproach. I had no idea what he was going to say.
He sipped slowly again before starting. "When we first met you on tour, I was looking at you and your ex, and I was thinking why didn't I have what you had? Why weren't Britney and I like that, you know, so much in love that I would do something I hated just to make that person happy? Why didn't I have that?"
"Well, you were probably both busy on tour and everything..." I tried to rationalize, but he shook his head.
"No, it's not like that. We've never had that., that special bond. WE just liked fucking each other. At first that's what I though I wanted, you know, just to have a good time...but I just felt so...empty, I don't know. What was the word you used? Lost, yeah, that's how I felt. Like it wasn't for me. So I tried to tell this to Brit, how I felt incomplete, and I wanted us to have a more committed relationship. I was tired of sleeping around. But she doesn't want that, Austin. She likes going out to parties and meeting random guys and stuff....so I gave up on her."
"Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that you though Jen and I were so much in love..."
"No. This was way before we met you guys. It was before I fount out Josh was gay. I guess it was the first time I actually went out with Brit, almost two years ago."
"Josh told me you had known her ever since the Mickey Mouse Club."
He shook his head, smiling. "Man, that was so long ago...but yeah, that's where I first met her. We became friends right away, because we were both pretty much the youngest kids on the show. She's a year younger than me. We hit it off right away, because we both started the same year, and our moms were friends. We stayed friends during the taping of the show, but when it was cancelled, I didn't really hear from her for a while, because I moved to Orlando with my mom to try and get some work as a back up singer or something. I was like fourteen. Then Josh and a couple of friends were talking to me about forming a singing group, and I thought sure why not. At the same time, Britney moved to LA, to get a break in Hollywood. And she became famous before we did, sweeping Europe in her first tour; her first album went platinum in like two weeks. I couldn't believe that it was the same girl that I used to clown around with on the set of MMC."
As for us, we were doing pretty good too, but it was really hard work, because a lot of people thought we were copying the Backstreet Boys. So I really didn't get back in touch with Brit until this one party that our publicist made us attend, and that Brit and her agent had also been invited to. Some charity function, I don't remember what it was."
Since we hadn't really seen much of each other, because we were both so busy with our careers and junk, we started talking and catching up, you know, whatever. Well, we were talking, flirting, and drinking a lot. I know we shouldn't have, since we were both underage and everything, but no one seemed to care, so it was coo. Time just flew by, and we were just throwing 'em back. Anyway, all I remember after that is that I asked her to come back to my hotel room with me, since it was kind of loud at the party. I had to ask Lance and his girlfriend to give me a ride because I was pretty trashed, and Britney was gone. He dropped us off at the hotel and then I think he went out to a dance club or something with his girl. Anyway, we were talking...and one thing led to another, and we...uh...you know..." he said, blushing furiously.
I smirked. Justin gave off such a confidant, player vibe that it was refreshing to see him turn self-conscious.
"Well, the bad thing is, I let her stay over. At first, I was worried that this one night might ruin our friendship, but the next morning, Brit and I talked about it, and we agreed that it was just a one time thing, and that neither of us felt we owed anything to the other person, and we were just feeing lonely after spending most of the last few years either on tour or eleven hour days in the studio. But Lance's girlfriend saw us in the morning, and she told Lance, and he told the rest of the group, thinking that since we were friends before, something might come out of it. We told them what we talked about, and they were disappointed, but they understood. Everything's ok, right? Well, when I walked her out to her car later, and kissed her goodbye, some asshole photographer caught it on camera. The next thing we know, the press made this big old deal about how she and I were going out, the Pop Princess and me, one of the lead singers of N'Sync."
Well, when the story broke out, we suddenly made a fortune in extra record sales, both us and her. We were on the cover of every teen magazine, and people were begging us for interviews. It was a great thing for our ratings, and we were on TRL a few times, just for that, which was good because sales were sagging a little at the time, because it was over the summer."
It had been such a great thing, for both our record companies, that our publicist thought that we could pretend to be a real couple, to enjoy the good press. Brit's agent and her publicist agreed, but they left the decision up to us. And we thought, why not. We can pretend to be a real couple for a few weeks, no harm done, if it'll boost our sales. Eventually, we would both be on tour again, and everything would be back to normal. So we had a press conference, and told everyone we were in love."
Everyone was happy for us, and made a big deal now that it was official. The weird thing was, while she was in town, we talked a lot alone together, and actually did get kind of serious with each other for that brief time, you know, talking, making out. We actually thought it might work out. I mean, we had already told the world that we were together. We started to believe that it was the truth ourselves, that we were a real couple, and it was until she had to leave to start recording for her new album. During that time, though, we acted like boyfriend and girlfriend, even off camera, and we told JC and everyone, our friends, and even our families that even though it had started out as a lie, we really did want to be a couple. We actually tried dating a little. But she and I never clicked on that level. We felt too weird. But everyone was acting so happy, that we realized that we were still faking it, not just for the cameras anymore, but everyone else too. We really only like to have sex with each other. That's it. She's too much of a girlie girl for me, and I'm not the rebel that she's looking for, either. When she left, we agreed that we could keep a loose kind of relationship. We liked the serious kind of stuff when we were both in town and not working, but we agreed to see other people."
But when she left, I missed her. Maybe not just her, but having someone close by, because she was pretty much the closest thing to a real relationship I've been able to have my whole life. I had a few girlfriends when I was younger, but my career has been number one ever since I was fourteen, when we started N'Sync. There just wasn't time for a real relationship to develop: all the girls I tried to see seriously got upset because I didn't have the time. I was always in rehearsal or out of town. So I guess that's when I sort of...started sleeping around." At this, Justin looked down at the table, avoiding my eye. He took another long drink, finishing off the can, and reached for another. Poor guy. You think you know someone, huh? When Josh had first told me that Justin slept around, trying to make me feel better about him and Jen, I had simply thought that it was because of Justin's apparent egomaniac personality. He acted so confident and full of himself; I never would have thought that he would feel needy, or lonely. It made me feel really bad that I had been so judgmental. He looked up, and I could see the pain and regret that he had in there. I tried to look back at him with the most sympathetic, understanding I could. Normally, I'm a pretty good listener, since I don't talk very much, but this was a case in which I really didn't know what TO say. I offered him a small smile, and patted his shoulder, as he had done to me.
He continued, in a tone that told me he was not proud of himself, but he had learned his lesson. "At the time, I thought I was enjoying myself until I found that special someone. I know it's not good to sleep around, but I...I couldn't help it Austin. I wanted to feel close to someone, even if it was just for one night. I wanted to reach over and not feel an empty bed in the middle of the night."
"That's totally normal, Justin. I don't think you're a bad person for having a few one-night stands. Everyone does."
"Have you?" he said skeptically, his eyes wide, as if he thought I would never do something like that.
"Well..." I began. In truth, I had never had a one-night stand. I'm not into the party scene, and I've never cheated on anyone, and as I said before, I haven't been single since I was fourteen. But should I tell Justin I had anyway, so that he wouldn't feel so bad?
"Sure I have. I was just too drunk to remember," I joked. Justin smiled with obvious relief.
"Well, the thing is...I had a reputation to protect. I couldn't just sleep with anyone; the press would be all over, and the girl might sue or something. I had to pick my prospects. So I went for girls....who were already in serious relationships, because I figured they would be too guilty and embarrassed to tell anyone."
"Ahh," I said, seeing as how he went for Jen.
"But...I realized that the girls I was going for all had one thing in common."
"What?"
"Their boyfriends were hot." We laughed for a long time. It was cool talking to someone who had the same kind of fears of being gay that I had, and I could admit to finding a guy attractive, without feeling too awkward. I could tell Justin felt the same way, otherwise he wouldn't be so blunt. It was great that we had this in common, because outside of Josh, I didn't know any other gay people that weren't the totally flamboyant guys people make fun of. And, what I could talk about with Justin would be different than what I could with Josh, like, for instance, how hot a guy looked. I was glad that Justin felt comfortable enough around me to make me his confidant, though I was still waiting to hear why he was too afraid to tell Josh.
"And I started to....get a feeling that some of them might be....interested in something with me. Like, a threesome or something. Or maybe just two guys. But I was way too afraid to start anything, both because of how it would look, and...because I was really ashamed that I was attracted to guys. I tried to get the thought out of my head, because I didn't want to be gay. So I pretended that when I was checking out some guy, I was really just comparing their body to mine. Or if I realize I'm staring at a guy too long, I'll watch girls for awhile, just to make myself think that I'm not really...who I am."
"Denial. Been there, done that," I said. He laughed.
"Yeah,. I was in denial. I mean, I know what people think about gay people. I don't anyone calling me a fag or whatever. And...you probably don't know this, but Chris is a big fucking homophobe. He used to get on JC's case all the time about what he was wearing, so that no one would think we're fags. He hates all the rumors, you know, about how all boy bands are fags. It eats him up. So...I made sure that he saw that I was fucking a lot of women, so that he wouldn't think I was gay." I suspected as much about Chris, but had decided to reserve judgment until now. I didn't really care what he thought about me, but I worried that he might start hating on Josh. And now that everyone in the band knew about me and Josh, I wondered what was going to happen.
When Josh had still been hiding, it must have killed him to know Chris is such a hater. Josh had never brought it up, when he used to tell me about how it have been for him to hide and be alone, but he had gotten through it. And it made sense that while Josh had hidden from the truth by becoming a workaholic, and finding relief in writing songs, Justin had gone the denial route, sleeping with as many women as he could find.
"But I was so curious...that one night, I'll never forget, I went to this party in Chicago, a few weeks before Thanksgiving, and I found exactly what I was looking for. This dude was totally checking me out. Hot, hard body, dark hair, blueish green eyes. I don't know what it is about guys with dark hair and blue eyes...Anyway, his name was Dean, and he had this chick with him Kyla, that I thought was equally hot. Brunette, slim, like 5'9. Kind of tall, but she had the ass and tits for it. They walked over to me, as I was standing at the bar staring at them, and they both started flirting with me. It was totally hot. They were saying that they saw that I was watching, and that they liked to get someone to join them for a small party they were having upstairs. They didn't even own the house, dude, but I said ok, because I didn't know what else to say."
So we started going at it, me and Kyla, and then the guy started licking my ear, and I totally let him. I was real nervous, but they told me they had done this a lot, feeling horny and getting someone else to join them, so I just let them do whatever. And that was the first time I was with a guy." He said that last sentence really fast, and I could tell that he didn't want to get into what he had actually done, but I let it go. I didn't need to know.
"Afterwards, I was a little freaked, but Dean gave me a little talk when Kyla was asleep, to calm me down. He told me that it was ok, it didn't make you gay, just sometimes, if you really needed to get off, it can be pretty hot with a guy. And that a lot of people experiment when they're young. And I thought that was it. Now what I have done something with a guy, it was out of my system, right, and I wouldn't have to worry about it. (Denial) Well....it just made me want to experiment some more. That guy had made me feel something that no girl had made me feel, and I felt like I had changed. That I wasn't the same. SO I tried to get it out of my head, and I started calling Britney a lot more often. Telling her that I loved her, and that I missed her. She told me the same, and we decided to have a long talk during our time off at Christmas, possibly about becoming exclusive I hoped. I thought that if I committed myself to Brit, and stopped sleeping around, I would get this gay thing out of my head. So until we had our time off at Christmas, I didn't go out to anymore parties, and I didn't drink."
And that's where Josh comes in, because while all this was going on, he had been there for me, even when I didn't want him to. He had been watching me cruise around, and had been on my case about it at first, but I told him to back off and mind his own business. I didn't want him to be my mom, and I thought that he was just not letting me have any fun, acting like an older brother, you know. But when I made my decision to stop, I realized that I had pushed away my best friend. So one night, I took him aside, and I let him know how grateful I was that was my friend, and how I should have listened to him. I told him all about how I was feeling, and how this Christmas, I was going to propose to Brit, to start doing something right. And he's such a good friend. He said how proud he was of me, and how he had been so worried about me for so long, but had stayed back after I had warned him. Since I wasn't going out anymore, I stayed in with him, and tried to rebuild our friendship, that I had so long been taking for granted. We used to be like brothers. It took some time, but soon we were back to how we used to be. And it was great to know that I could have such a great friend like him. It's just...I was starting to get kind of attracted to him."
He looked me in the eye, but I looked away, wondering where this was going. He continued in a wary tone, as if he weren't sure I wanted to hear this.
"I told you I'm not in love with Josh....and I'm not. But at the time I did think that I was...because he was so nice...and caring...and cute...and I thought that maybe he like me, as more of a friend, you know...I don't know why, I just thought that maybe...I was so confused...that a few days before Brit arrived, we were talking, and I sort of kissed him."
I snapped my head back. "Wait a minute. He said he kissed YOU and you freaked out and left. You kissed him?"
Justin nodded, looking ashamed. Then his eyes settled back up to mine. They looked so blue and innocent and scared. "Josh told you this?"
"Just that. He has no idea you're gay too. Now are you going to tell me why you don't want Josh to know?"
"He's my best friend. And I did exactly the wrong thing that day. I went over and told Lance. I was afraid that Josh had figured out that I was gay, and that soon, everyone would know. I told Lance that Josh had kissed me, Austin. I was only thinking of myself, and I totally didn't even think that this meant that Josh was gay; I thought it was all a reflection on me. But Lance made me go back and get the story straight, since I was totally freaking out on him, and then Josh said that he was sorry, but he was gay. I was so shocked, and I know this is sick, but also relieved, that I just didn't say anything. I didn't fucking say anything Austin. I didn't say 'Josh, its ok, I'm gay too.' I just let him apologize, then I said that I was ok with him being that way. I couldn't even believe I was saying this, when it was me that should've been me apologizing to him! I was such a fucking chicken shit! I hate that I did that! I hate it! I let him take the fall for me, Austin! And I don't know why!"
I did the only thing that made sense; I grabbed Justin and hugged him, and held him. He was so hurt and vulnerable, torn apart with guilt, that it was all I could do to be there for him. I felt so bad for him; I just held him.
"You were confused," I said softly. "You freaked out. It's ok..."
"No it's not ok!" he said, tearing himself from my embrace. "It should have been me coming out that day, not him. And he thinks it's his fault. And that is why I can't tell josh, ok? I don't know if I can admit how much of a fucking idiot I was, and how I messed everything up. I was lucky I told Lance. He was cool about it. He said it didn't change the fact that we were friends, which I should have said. He said he still loved Josh, and that he wished he had just trusted him and told him. Which I should have said. Then we agreed not to tell Chris, because he's such a hater, or Joey, because they're best friends, and we said we'd act like nothing happened."
"You can't beat yourself up over this Justin. It wasn't your fault, you were in a new, confusing situation, ok? And I know that Josh would never turn his back on you. But...he thinks you're turning on him now. He told me so when we were at Disneyland, that you're feeling resentful because of Britney, and jealous that he has me and you don't have anyone right now. You have to tell him, because he isn't going to know that this is what you're dealing with! He knows how to help; he helped me," I said, trying to make him see sense.
"You're different, Austin. You're...stronger than me, ok? You can admit that you were wrong. You can...you're not afraid to tell the truth, even if people don't like you for it."
"Dude, you make me sound like some sort of philosopher," I said, taking another big gulp. "I don't know anything about life, except not to be surprised when everything you know is suddenly turned upside down."
"How come? You know, I've been talking a lot...and I realized I don't know a damn thing about you."
I laughed. I also realized that Justin wanted to have a heart-to-heart, and you can only do that if I started coughing up my own life story, So I took another long sip, and said "What do you want to know?"
"Well, where were you born?"
Took another sip. "I don't know."
"You don't know?" Justin repeated.
"I really don't know the exact place I was born. I never got a birth certificate when I was born, and I can't exactly ask my mother."
"Ok, hold on a second. First of all, how can you not have a birth certificate? Everyone has one. Even if you're born in another country. You have to. It's like, the law."
"Well according to my dad, my adoptive dad I should add, I probably was born in Seattle, where I grew up, but I was never born in a hospital. My mother had a baby in secret, but she didn't tell anybody, or get the right papers or anything, so I'm guessing that I was born in a motel or a shelter or something. And then my mom was too afraid of the police to get me a birth certificate, and citizenship pares, social security number, nothing."
"Why was your mom afraid of the police?"
"My mom was a prostitute, Justin. She ran away from home when she was sixteen with a drug addiction, and moved here from Vegas with a dealer. The guy was wanted by the cops, and she got into a bunch of bad stuff too. I forget what it was she had a warrant for. All I know is, for the first few years my life, I was forbidden to talk to anyone, especially a cop. She changed her name a few times, but when she had me, she thought that I would be so easy for them to trace to her. The only reason I know this is because my dad's a lawyer, and he dug up a whole bunch of stuff on her after she left me with him when I was eleven."
"Your mom left you?" Justin repeated, his jaw hanging open. I nodded solemnly. For some reason, telling Justin about my mom and my life before my dad took me in was a lot easier than telling Josh or Jen. I don't know why...It must be because each time I told it, I felt a little more connected to the outside world, and not so alone, and it was easier each time.
"The way I figure it, even though she was a horrible mom, and abusive and neglectful, addicted to drugs and alcohol, abandoning me was the best thing she could have done for me. My life was pretty fucked up, but probably not as bad as you think. I mean, she sent me to school, and she had an apartment for awhile so that we weren't on the streets. But the drugs had fucked her up. She used to leave me locked in the house for an entire weekend, and she's get violent over the stupidest things. It was hard to live with her. She needed help. But I was just a kid, and I didn't know...so I was pretty fucked up too for awhile. You think I'm quiet now? My teachers thought I was autistic when I was in kindergarten and first grade, because I didn't talk at all. Not one word. I was afraid that if I talked to anyone, my mom would hurt me. I had bruises from when she would beat me after people would come up to me on the street or concerned teachers would make house calls. She didn't want me to turn her in to the cops, so I stayed silent...It was hard, Justin. I...I try to block it out...But until I was about eight or so, I was really messed up." By this time, tears had inevitably fallen down my cheek, and I realized that those hands rubbing my back were Justin's, and that his eyes were wide with concern.
"my teachers called in school psychologists, and everything. The police, even child protective services. Each time it got to that point, my mom would move me to another school And the same thing would happen."
"My mom told me it was my fault...that I couldn't stay at a school longer than six months, and that she was running out of schools to take me, and that I had better start talking, or I'd...I'd regret it. But it was so hard trying to adjust, and I was so messed up. But I tried, I really tried. I smiled when I didn't want to, and I spoke up, real soft, but just a little bit. I slowly started to make a fake little life, and pretend that everything was ok, because I was so scared and lonesome...I didn't know what else to do. All the kids hated me because they thought I was weird, and so quiet...but as I got a little older, it started to work. My new teachers left me alone, because they thought I was just quiet, and they stopped thinking that I was neglected or abused when I was younger. So my mom stayed in one spot for a long time. Almost a full year. And she met my dad one night, and he was such a caring person, that he tried to make her better. He made her get help. He made her come back. And she slowly got better. I helped too, because I thought that this was going to be ok. He told me that when mommy was off the bad stuff she would be nice again. And she was nice. She wasn't always like that. It was the drugs, Justin. She wasn't always like that! It wasn't her fault!" I cried, over and over. It was so easy to blame my mother, to say that she was the reason it was so hard for me to open up to anyone. But it wasn't her fault. I believed it then, and I believe it now. Justin just kept holding me, not saying a word. I hoped that I wasn;t freaking him out. It was a lot for anyone to handle.
"So we helped her get rehabilitated, and get drug therapy. We helped, and there were no more beatings. No more weekend lockouts. It was ok for awhile. And then the cops found us.They took me away and put me in foster care, and put her in jail. Something minor. My dad never told me exactly what she was in for. And my dad fought as her lawyer, so that she got off. But there were problems when she came back. She felt like a failure. She had promised that she'd get better, but she started to go back to heroin, and speed. She blew it, and he didn't trust her anymore. They began to fight. But he felt too guilty to leave, so he stuck around, for me, and reached out to me, because he knew that I would never survive without him. I was just a little kid, I wouldn't be able to help my mom through drug therapy, when I had been a case of serious neglect and abuse. And I bonded with him, and I looked up to him. He was y only out...if he left, I knew that I would die, Justin. I just knew it."
But my mom saw she wouldn't be able to fix her mistakes, and that she was too addicted to care, so she took off. She left me with the only person in the world that I thought cared about me. And he adopted me, and went all out trying to make me a real kid again. Trying to bring me out of my shell, that I've never really outgrown. He took me to a psychiatrist, and got me involved in Boy Scouts, and Little League, and the church youth group."
At first I resisted, because I was so unused to someone caring so much, and I fought him, and sunk into a heavy depression. I went back to what I had done before, and I stopped talking, because I felt so abandoned. I thought that he would leave too. I didn't want to trust him, because I didn't know if he was going to leave me, alone, in the streets. Can you believe that I thought about suicide when I was twelve years old? I was that messed up. But my dad wouldn't give up on me. He was going to make everything better. He refused to let me think I was alone."
Eventually, I started to bend. It took almost a year, but I started to believe in my dad, and I started to love him. I wanted to make sure that he wouldn't leave, so I did what I could to please him. I tried so hard, especially at baseball. I knew that that was one of my only talents, and that if I could make it all the way, that he wouldn't be disappointed in me. He wouldn't...he wouldn't leave. I studied and tried my best in school, and I did as much as I could because this was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I was able to come home to a nice house after school, instead of a rehabilitation center, or a homeless shelter. My dad did things like ask me how my frickin' day was, and nobody did that to me when I was little. He wanted to know everything, and he was just the best dad in the world. I am so fucking lucky that he was there. I just, I can't say how happy I am that I have him in my life. I amazed everyone at how quickly I adjusted after that first year. Like the beginning of the school year, seventh grade, I was a completely different person. My psychiatrist said I had made a rapid recovery, and although I was still shy and quiet and introverted, I showed signs of real survival. I was one of those kids that had made it even though I was destined to fail. I had survived homelessness and neglect and child abuse, and I was ok, because I had my dad, that one person I could look up to, and make proud."
I popped open a third can and drank silently, remembering my old psychiatrist, Dr. Ward, saying, "I can't believe this is the same Austin that I met a year ago. He's made such positive progress; I can only say that you must be a very dedicated and loving parent, Mr. Lockhart." My dad's name is Thomas Lockhart, by the way.
Justin was watching me with his eyes as wide as dinner plates, and his jaw hanging open. "Not what you were expecting, huh?"
He shook his head slowly, as if in a daze.
"I don't know what to say," he said.
"You don't have to say anything. Just so you know, though, you're the third person I have told this to in my entire life, so consider yourself lucky that I was feeling talkative tonight."
"You're real deep, Austin. Thanks for letting me be one of the lucky ones."
I laughed. "You're a real cornball, Timberlake," I said, as I wiped the last of my wet eyes. "Now, you still haven't finished your story yet."
"I haven't?"
"After the whole thing with Josh, what happened with you and Britney? Because you said you quit the whole sleeping around thing, but you slept with my ex, so I'm wondering..."
"I never slept with your ex." Justin said.
I paused, mid-chug. "What?"
"I said I never slept with your ex. I wanted to, but she didn't."
I think my heart skipped a few beats. "What are you talking about, I saw you kissing her in the parking lot of the hotel."
"I was kissing her. But all we did that night was talk. I told her all about my problem with Brit, leaving out the fact that I thought about a guy every ten seconds, and she told me all about you, and how much she loved you, but she had to break up with you. The crazy thing is, she kept saying that she didn't want to break up with you, but she had to anyway. You said that it was because she thought you were too obsessive, but I don't think that was it. She was just as much in love with you as you were with her. She just wasn't very good at expressing her feelings. Kind of like you, before tonight. I get the impression that somebody else was causing this breakup, not you. And not her. It seemed almost like...somebody else thought she should break up with you, like maybe one of her friends or something. She didn't tell me much. Mostly, she cried, because she knew how much it would hurt, both you and her. I really think she loved you, and it killed her to have to do what she did."
I considered this. "How exactly did she get you to go along with this? She basically used you to break up with me, and you said you didn't sleep with her?"
He smiled. "I got to use her to break up with Britney."
"What?"
"We both had to do the same thing, and that was to get rid of our relationships. I'll tell you why I had to break up with Brit in a second, but this is how it all went down, and how I met her."
After you stormed out of the meet and greet, Jen burst into tears, so I went over there and tried to comfort her. She was hysterical, and was cussing out everyone. Lance, Joey and Chris were talking to our tour manager, Sandy, Josh took off after you, and the other girls were all trying to be sympathetic by saying how insensitive and pig headed you were. I chipped in, and invited her to a front row pass, to make her feel better. I offered to talk to her after the show. She said ok, so after the concert, we went to a small restaurant. I said that I was sorry that she was having problems, and that I had been having problems with Britney. She was a little hesitant at first, talking to me, but generally pretty cool. Most girls get all star struck, and can't talk right, but she's like you and didn't seem to care who I was. And, uh...she seemed like the kind of girl that I told you about...hot, in a serious relationship on the rocks, and...well, it doesn't matter. I was looking to get laid. Sorry man, but that's just what I was thinking." I sighed, but I couldn't really do anything.
"So we got to talking, and realized that we both wanted the same thing. WE wanted out. So we agreed tohelp each other out. It was so weird, almost like a business deal." That was Jen alright. Everything was serious, even a relationship. That's what I had hated about her. "So, I called up Britney, and said that I had someone who wanted to talk to her. I gave my phone to Jen, and she cussed her out, basically saying what a slut she is, and how she didn't know a good thing when she saw one. I was so impressed, I took the phone and said 'have a nice life, bitch'. I would never have been able to do that if she weren't there. It was the closure I needed. For her part, we basically had to arrange for you to see us kissing. At first, it was pretty hard, because we didn't know where you went, and the only person that knew, Josh, was with you. So I sent Mike and a couple other bodyguards to go searching the city, with Jen's description of your car. They brought Josh back, and I pumped him for info, but he wouldn't say anything. Josh can clam up pretty easily, even to me, so I knew that it was pointless to ask him. We were starting to get worried. Jen knew that you had practice that day, and I had to go do this promo thing for the city that morning, so she had a new plan by the time we got back. We decided that you would see me leaving her dorm room. I basically spent all that Saturday afternoon, waiting around for you. She was sure that you would come by to apologize, because you did that after every fight. But you never did. Finally, Joey called to tell me to get my ass back to the hotel, because we were getting ready to leave, and he said that Josh had showed up with you a few minutes ago and had locked yourselves in his hotel room. I told Jen, and she thought that was very weird, since neither of us knew that and Josh had become friends. So I drove her back to the hotel, and we stood around with Lance, who asked us questions, until you guys came back downstairs."
"Do you want to know why I wanted to break up with Britney?" I nodded. "After Josh kissed me, and apologized, Brit came back to Orlando, and I told her that I wanted to be exclusive. I wanted us to be committed to each other, and I took out the ring that I had picked out and proposed. I really don't know why I did it; I was just hoping that this would end all the gay thoughts in my head. But Britney didn't want to marry me. She didn't want to settle down, and she wanted to enjoy herself. And it killed me. I said I didn't want to pretend we were together anymore, at all, and I took off in tears."
I got so depressed, I went right back to partying and drinking away my problems. I didn't even have to hide it from JC, because he was also having problems. He was afraid to get close to me, because of the kidding thing, so he avoided me like the plague. And I let him, thinking it was just as well."
"But it didn't end there. After New Year's, rumors started up about us being broken up, and about her partying and acting like the slut she is. Her publicist made her tell the press that we were still together. And she called one night to say that she was sorry, and she missed me, and still wanted to have what we had before. I was so lonely that I said ok, but she kept doing the same things. I couldn't see her because she was touring in Japan and Australia, but her friends kept saying that she was being unfaithful, and even her mom called to tell me that she wasn't mature enough to handle a real relationship. It hurt so much, and I thought that I didn't care, as long as I wouldn't be so lonely, but with her away, and people telling me to move on, I didn't know what to do. And then your girl walked in, and I had my out. I was free from worrying about her, and I was able to repair the damage I had done to Josh. But it turned out he didn't need me anymore. He had you."
After a while, I said, "So you and Britney aren't together anymore? Then how come the press still thinks you are?"
"Publicity. I hate her guts, but I can still smile for the camera Austin. I've been smiling my whole life. That's what you do when you're famous."
I was quiet again. Then, I said what I had been thinking ever since Justin had revealed that he hadn't slept with Jen."
"If Jen didn't break up with me because she thought I was too needy, then why did she break up with me?"
"I never asked, and she never asked why I wanted to break up with Brit. We didn't need to."
Neither of us said anything for a long time. Then I made the mistake of glancing at my watch. "Oh my god! It's 3AM!"
He yawned, stretched, and looked at his own watch. "Wow, you're right. I have to be up at nine."
We both stood up, then looked awkwardly at each other. "I...uh, better get back," I said.
He looked at me, then wrapped me in a hug, which I gingerly returned. He hung on a while longer than I did, but I dismissed it. He had revealed a lot more about himself than I did.
"Thanks for being such a good guy, Austin. I'm glad we're friends now. We are friends, right?"
"Sure. It's nice to know I have one friend in your band." He chuckled. "And don't worry about Josh,. I'll wait till you're ready."
"Thanks man. Well, I guess I'll see you in the morning. 'Night."
"G'Night." I stumbled out of Justin's house and headed back to Josh's, wondering if my three-hour talk with Justin had answered anything. At least it had made me and Justin friends, if anything. But all I could think about was Jen, and wonder what had been so bad about our relationship. Every time I thought I had it all figured out, someone went and told me something that completely changed everything.
I locked the door like josh said, but as I did, I heard voices coming form upstairs. Frowning, I thought that maybe josh had left the TV on, but the muffled voices were getting louder, and more frequent. And one of them sounded like Josh.
Slowly, I crept up the staircase, leaning against the wooden handrail bolted to the wall. I could see Josh's door closed, but light coming out from it. And I could hear an argument coming form behind it. Muffled, but still audible.
"When will you learn to grow up? I can't keep doing this, unless we are all mumble together, can't you see that? If I go down, we all go down. Or did you forget that we are supposed to be a team?" (Josh)
"All I know, is that you are trying to take over this team. You are bossing everyone around, and freaking out when we need to calm down. You need to stop thinking that you are in control, and start letting us work as a team."
"How can I, when you show up late and make me make excuses for you? Huh? I have come in every goddamn day for the past two weeks, and you stumble in with a hangover at ten thirty. If I'm not there to make sure everything is going ok, then everything mumble mumble."
"mumble mumble because you are too much of a control freak! You don't want anyone else to know, you just keep it all to yourself. You keep doing this, and I know for a fact that me, and Chris, and Lance and Justin are all going to put you in your damn place. You are a part of the team too, JC!"
That meant that the visitor was Joey. What was he doing here, so late at night?
"I don't have to take that, just get the fuck out of my house!"
"Oh, here we go! I'm not going to let you shut me out again, Chasez, because we are supposed to be friends. Friends don't treat friends like they are employees!"
"I don't treat you that way..."
"You treat everyone that way. You don't think I saw how you got your little boy toy wrapped around your little finger?"
"Don't you dare call him that, you fucking son of a bitch!"
"Why not, that's how you treat him. Yesterday, I thought he was playing you. Yesterday, I thought that you were going to get hurt. But I know what's going on!"
At this, I pushed open the door, and I found both JC and Josh, face to face, red with anger, in the center of Josh's bedroom. Both their heads whirled around to meet mine.
"Where the hell have you been?!" Josh said hysterically, rushing over to me.
I didn't say anything. Joey was still treading water with me, and I don't talk to people I don't trust.
"Austin? Answer me, god damn it! You said you were going over to Lance's! That was three hours ago! You don't even have your backpack! What the hell is the matter with you! I nearly called the police, why are you doing this to me?!"
I stoically waited for Joey to excuse himself before I answered Josh.
Joey turned and said "Why can't you act responsible, so that we don't have to worry about you all the time?!"
I continued to stay silent. It unnerved both of them.
"Well? Why don't you fucking talk?!"
"Don't yell at him," said Josh. "It just makes it worse. it's like talking to a brick wall when he gets this way." I turned to look at him, hurt in my eyes. How could he talk about me this way?
"I'm not through with you, JC. You better show up at my house tomorrow morning. Then you can hear what everyone else thinks about you trying to run this whole show by yourself." Then he stormed out.
After he left, Josh tried to get me to sit on his bed, but I wouldn't move.
"I wish you wouldn't do this, Austin. I am getting tired of turning around and finding you gone all the time. Why did you lie to me and say you were at Lance's? You knew I would call if you weren't back in ten minutes."
"Why would you do that?" I said.
"What do you mean why? Because I care about you, and I worry about you."
"Josh." I said. "You worry too much, ok? You can't keep treating me like such a baby. I am allowed to do what I want, and I shouldn't have to call and check in with you first."
"I don't mean to check up, I mean so that I know where you are."
"That's just it, josh. When I came out here, I wanted to be with you. But you haven't even gotten the security clearance so that I can see you during the day. You put your guards on me to baby sit me, and you expect me to be pacified by all these expensive trips. I hate it, Josh! You don't trust me!"
"Why should I, when all you do is lie! You still haven't told me where the fuck you've been for the past three hours!" he said, suddenly turning hostile.
"I was at Justin's. And the reason I lied to you was because he wanted to talk to me, without you knowing about it."
"Why?"
"Because he wanted to tell me something that he wasn't ready to tell you yet."
"Justin is my best friend. We tell each other everything. Why would he want to talk to you, when, before today, you hated each other?"
"Because you are taking your stress about this concert out on everybody Josh. You think you can handle everything, and you think you have it all under control. And Justin doesn't want you to get any more stressed. And I know exactly how he feels."
"So you've been lying me, because you think I can't handle this performance?"
"No! Josh, you have to stop thinking that you can handle it! They have people for that. You are going to worry yourself into a frenzy!"
"Don't tell me what I can and can't do!" he said. I sighed. I wasn't going to be able to change his mind.
"Josh, I'm going to bed. When you realize that I am not your enemy, and I am trying to help you, you come get me. Good night."
I turned and left the room.
Chapter 16, on its way. Email at scottiescot@hotmail.com