My Girlfriend Made Me Do It

As I have already explained to several anxious readers who have emailed me recently, wondering why I am so insultingly late, I apologize. My due date I foolishly placed right after holiday break, and it was pretty rough for me personally, emotionally and physically, as I had been trying to work as much overtime as I could so that I can get some bills paid off and save for a new car. Also, when I went back home to see my family for the holidays, there was very little time for me to sit by myself at a computer for hours, without one or all of my siblings putting me in a headlock and wrestling me away for my attention.

After that, this whole semester has been one horrible blur of work, school, and studio, which for those of you who don't know is architecture jargon for dungeon. My breaks have been few and far between, and my relationships with many of my friends have deteriorated. I hope I haven't lost too many readers in my long sabbatical, but I can assure you that things are getting a little lighter as the semester comes to a close, and I should have a few spare moments here and there to continue on. I have some exciting stuff coming up.

If truth be told, I actually had quite a bit written on the due date, but I deleted it all, almost 7 pages, because it wasn't where I wanted to go. This story is a very huge part of me, and a part of who I want to be. I'm not much of a writer, but I do enjoy it, and it's been one of my only escapes from how lonely and pathetic I've been feeling lately. I envy Austin, because he has something I don't have, to guide him through the dark void of loneliness and expectation. He has someone who loves him, someone he can always turn to in times of need, and in times of pain and reflection. If only life were as kind as I have been to Austin.

I must warn you, this addition is extremely long. At least twice as long as my usual additions, which is probably good since its been so long since I last updated. I considered cutting it in half, but I just couldn't find a place to do it, so you'll just have to read it in installments or something.

I have also given up on my release date idea. Making this hobby of mine a mindless chore akin to changing the air filters every month sucks the fun out of it, so you'll just have to be patient and wait.

What I will do is start putting everyone who emails about this story in a list, and I'm going to start saving everyone's email addresses to it. I've only been in touch with a few readers regularly, and you know who you are. As for the rest of you, I've deleted most of your names and replies, so you'll have to send me a fresh email so I know you're there, and once I have a sufficient list, I can reply to everyone at once to let them know when I've updated. I'll put "girlfriend update" in the header. All you have to do it email me at scottiescot@hotmail.com. Try and put the story title in the header, because my email has just been hit by way too many junk emails lately, I might filter your thoughts out of my inbox. That said, enjoy my four months of work:

Chapter 21

I am seeing the red sun setting across the ocean, and I seem to be slowly moving further and further away from it. Although there aren't any clouds, I can see dark purple tinges at the edge of the sky as the sun makes its solitary decent into the western horizon. Since I can see no land around me, and can offer no reason why I feel as if I am moving backward, I assume that I'm on a boat, somewhere out to sea. I see a railing in front of me, and it satisfies my confusion.

Like I'm in a fog, details start to come towards me through the mist of my still adapting mind. Although I can clearly see the sunset and the calm, blue water, I can't seem to see anything close to me. I can't even see myself, my own body. For all I know I'm a pair of eyeballs floating over a railing looking at the sun as it sets, and my eyes are attached to some sort of wire that is pulling them back. How ironic that staring directly into the sun is bad for the eyes.

"Austin?" says someone next to me. The voice echoes. I turn (or my eyeballs rotate) to see a familiar, happy face. Josh is sitting next to me, with sunglasses on. Always prepared.

His beautiful white grin greets me, and he says something else, but I didn't quite catch it. I try to say "what", but since I'm just a pair of eyeballs, I can't utter a single word. Josh laughs as if I have answered him, then mouths something else but I still can't seem to hear him. His laugh drowns out the words, as it echoes between us. I try to talk, but I just can't hear my own voice. I try and scream, to at least hear something, but there is no more sound. Am I mute? I try desperately to plead to him to forgive me for not answering him with my eyes, because I can't seem to say what I want to say the most.

I start to get agitated, frustrated. What is wrong with me? Why can't I speak to Josh? I can't even open my mouth, to move my lips to form the words that I want to say so badly. Something is in the way...suddenly I discover that I am not just a pair of eyes, I can see my body below me, a flowery lei ringing my neck. I can't feel my hands, and I can't use them to reach up to see if I still have a mouth. I twist and writhe, trying vainly to shout, grunt, do something, but still, nothing.

Josh says something, and I vaguely hear his voice through the vast silence that seems to have surrounded me. He says, "What's wrong?" It echoes, as if he is speaking from very far away. Though at first elated that I can hear him again, I am now desperate to answer him. What's wrong? What's wrong is I can't speak, I can't open my mouth and tell you how much I love you I say furiously in my mind, but it's no use. Josh is no psychic. He can't hear me, and he looks at me, concerned. He mumbles something else, but I can't hear that either. It's like someone put up a glass wall between us.

Suddenly, I hear some kind of music, which appears from nowhere. The tunes are at first familiar, if annoying, beat box rhythms, but it grows louder, the bass drowning out the harmony, the melody shrilly interrupting the song. The noise becomes unbearable, the piercing notes blurring into a cacophonous roar. I can't see where the music is, and I can't use my hands to cover my pleading ears. I turn to Josh in panic, begging him to turn off the music, but he seems utterly unaware. He is still looking at me tenderly, and the music drowns out his words of comfort. Tears sting my eyes as the loud notes threaten to ruin my eardrums, and I can't seem to protect myself.

Please, Josh. Help me. I beg, pleading him with my eyes. Josh looks at me sadly. He doesn't know what's going on. How could he? He must think I'm not talking because I am angry with him. He turns his head away. NO!!!

In a desperate leap of faith, I thrust out and discover that my hand is still attached. I use it to try and get Josh's attention again, stretching out my fingers as far as they can go. I try and turn his head, and cup his face, look into his eyes and hope that that would suffice for my lack of a mouth. But when I reach out, I see him start to slide away, moving back. I reach out further, but the longer I reach, the further away he becomes, until I can hardly see him anymore. My arm stretches like a piece of taffy, but Josh seems to stay just a few inches ahead of it. He's a speck in the distance now. Now he's gone.

My eyes popped open and I jumped up in a panic. Sweat was pouring down my forehead, and I was breathing heavily. For a minute, I thought I really HAD been somehow dismembered in the night, as I couldn't move my arms for a second, before I realized they had become entangled in the sheets. I yanked myself free, my heart rate still rivaling a coronary.

Josh? Where was Josh? I thought suddenly, quickly looking around me in panic. I couldn't feel him next to me, though I remembered gripping him so tightly last night, afraid of letting him go. Pieces of the dream were drifting back from my subconscious. I stupidly felt around the bed for him, as if he was hidden underneath the sheet, but I came up empty. I shook my head furiously to bring myself back to reality.

The room was still dimly lit, a sunbeam peeking through the hastily closed curtains across the room from the bed. The dark curtains couldn't really hold out all the light, and I guessed it to be relatively late in the morning. The blankets were tangled and on the floor, and it took all of two seconds searching the room to figure out Josh was nowhere to be found.

"Josh!" I shouted, scrambling out of bed. I breathed a sigh of relief that I was able to hear myself. That dream was just a little bit too intense, I thought. I jumped into some underwear (I hadn't worn anything to bed) and quickly crossed into the master bathroom. No Josh.

I shoved open the double doors of the bedroom and blinked for a second at the bright light blazing into the living room area from the uncovered windows. I quickly glanced around as my eyes adjusted to the light, and finally realized that Josh was not in the hotel room. I was all alone.

My shoulders sunk, and I had to grab the edge of the mini bar in the kitchen for support, but it wouldn't help the sudden sense of loss that I felt in my heart, the emptiness and abandonment, even though Josh probably had just stepped out to grab a paper or get some coffee or buy a banana or a hundred other mundane things people do in the morning.

I shook my wrist, as my watch was all turned around, the face on the palm side. It was nearly eleven thirty, and with a sigh I realized that it was too late for Josh to still be around. He had to be at rehearsal at ten. I actually felt a physical pain in my chest, a sharp stabbing in my side that tripled my heartbeat and made me feel as if I had just run a marathon. It was an awful feeling, because it was coupled with the realization that I would not get to see him today until the sun actually had set.

My racing pulse I guess could've been attributed to the vivid dream I had just had, but something else was there...some piece of something not tangible. It scared me.

I missed him more than a dying desert wanderer misses a cool glass of water, more than a lonely, snowed in boarding student misses summer. Even more than the Red Sox miss the exhilaration that comes with a World Series win.

I deserved just a few more days, didn't I? A few more days like last night, to just sit and talk about everything under the sun? A few more days to watch him, a few more days to make him smile? A few more days without having to wait backstage or behind a curtain for him to finish giving himself to the world? A few more hours just to sit with him and talk with him and watch the time go by. With him. I deserved that. He deserved that. Why did he have to be a damn singer? I sure knew how to pick them. I always picked someone who had almost no time for me.

A loud rapping on the door ceased my inner reflection, and I quickly pulled on a pair of shorts that was lying on the floor before I slowly, soberly walked over to the door. It was probably some hotel staff. I knew it wouldn't be Josh. Josh wouldn't be knocking. Josh knew he was welcome no matter where I was.

I pulled open the unnecessarily ornately carved wood to see a beaming Lisa in a white bikini top and blue bandana, all set for a day of beach lounging and sun catching. I was less than excited to see her.

"Morning sleepy head! Are you ready to have some fun in the sun?" she said enthusiastically, giving me a wide cheerful smile. I wanted to slam the door back in her face and spend the entire day moping in bed. Instead, I guess I sort of grunted.

Taking the grunt as a greeting, she glided past me into the kitchenetee, where she sat a white cardboard box and a carton of orange juice and started setting some things up for what looked like breakfast. She was talking a mile a minute about something, but I wasn't listening, and for all I cared she might as well be making a neutron bomb. I shut the door softly, still shaking myself awake.

"Today is going to be a beautiful day, I can already tell. You know how you just wake up and think, damn. I am gonna have a great day? That's how I felt this morning. Just look at that sun. Mmm-mmm, and it's true, too. I already had a good time walking over here, I got a glimpse of a fine piece of hot, tan man meat walking down the hall not more than ten seconds ago, hot damn he looked good!" She chuckled to herself as she set to work. She appeared to be cutting up some sort of coffee cake and pouring the juice into a pair of plastic courtesy cups from the hotel.

"And they gonna be all over that sand today, so you better check yourself before we get out there cause I'll tell J if you been keeping yo eyes to yoself."

"That's not going to be a problem," I said ruefully. I yawned, and scratched my stomach. I only had eyes for Josh, and it was going to stay that way.

"Whatever you say sugar, but you have no idea what you're getting yourself into," she said, a smug smile crossing her face as she wiped the crumbs off the counter with a stray napkin.

"I'm not 'getting in' to anything," I told her, taking a seat at the bar. "I'm just going to hang around here all day."

"Oh no you are not, you are going to get some color into that white ass if I have anything to say about it!" she declared, hands on hips.

I laughed at this remark. "Last I checked, you were looking to get hooked up with this white ass." I frowned at the crumbly, pale brown cake. It didn't look very appetizing.

"That was before I found out you take it up that white ass," she snapped back, grinning widely. She licked her thumb as she put the knife away.

My mouth dropped open in horror. "That was cold. Even for you. Nobody's taken this ass," I said.

"No one yet. Give him a few more hours," she laughed.

I laughed with her, but only halfheartedly. The conversation wasn't quite something I would discuss with someone I met barely a few days ago.

Lisa took in the lack of enthusiasm.

"Hey, that's just my mouth going off like usual. That's totally between you and J," she said.

"It's ok. I'm having a weird morning," I said, drumming my fingertips on the counter as I yawned. Lisa raised her eyebrows, but decided not to get into it.

"So what's the plan, then, honey?" she said, bending down to open the mini fridge to put away the orange juice.

"Josh said he's on camera on the main stage at 2. I can see him then."

Lisa bent her arm to check her watch, which she had purposely put backwards so that she had to look at it palm side up. I don't know why that annoys me, it just does. The watch face always has to face out for me.

"That gives us 'bout two hours to do whatever. I think we should just kick it at the MTV spot, that way we'll be right there when they come on."

I sighed. "I really don't feel like wandering around on the beach today," I said. Lisa looked scandalized.

"Why not?"

"Because, this sucks. I came all this frickin way to see him, and for the rest of the weekend, I'll get, what, five minutes a day? I've been looking forward to this vacation for weeks!"

Lisa rolled her eyes, shaking her head at the same time so that her large hoop earrings swayed and hit her in the face. "That's how it is, baby. You datin' a celebrity and you have to deal with they schedules."

"I know that," I said gloomily.

"Come on, don't be all grumpy. You can still have a little bit of fun before that, right? And you said you'd get to see him at 2."

I laughed dryly. "Yeah. On stage."

"He'll get a few minutes after to talk to you, it's not like he at some stadium. That stage is small."

I didn't say anything, and just scowled. I do that a lot.

"You keep frowning like that and that pretty face of yours is gonna get all distorted," Lisa commented, taking a piece off my coffee cake.

"I don't have a pretty face," I said absentmindedly. I took a gulp of the orange juice.

"Like hell you don't. I wouldn't be surprised if you were one of the hottest guys here," she said. I nearly choked on my juice, and I looked up in time to see that she was taking advantage of my drinking to run her eyes over my body. I suddenly realized I was still shirtless.

"What was that look for?" I said, holding up the cup so that I wouldn't spill it on me.

"What look?" she said innocently.

"That look you just gave me. You were checking me out," I said, smirking triumphantly.

"So? You're hot," she said, shrugging her shoulders. I couldn't believe she freely admitted it like that. "It ain't a crime to look."

"What?" I said in disbelief.

"I said you're hot. J is lucky to have you." She shrugged her shoulders again.

"I'm lucky to have him, you mean," I corrected. She rolled her eyes.

"Whichever. Now hurry up and get ready so we can go see him." I gave her a long look, wondering if she wasn't just trying to brush me off again. She licked her lips sensuously at me, and cocked her eyebrows, teasing me. I give up. Maybe it's better that I gave up on women...they're too damn complicated with their mixed signals.

But seeing her look me up and down gave me an idea...

I slowly got up from my stool, a steely hard look in my eye as I held Lisa's gaze.

"What?" she said, her brown velvety eyes opening widely in surprise.

"This room...so...so hot," I said slowly, my hand slowly and seductively working its way across my chest. I started rubbing my hand up and down my body, teasing her. At first confused, her eyes settled back down to normal as she laughed.

"Boy, what ARE you doing?" she said, shaking her head in disbelief.

I tried my best to appear sexy and seductive, my mouth half gaping open like I'd seen people do on tv, one hand slowly making its way down my stomach to my waistband of my shorts, the other still caressing my bare skin.

Lisa just couldn't help herself, and she practically fell over laughing. I stopped and pretended to be hurt.

"What?" I said innocently. "I didn't turn you on?"

In between tears of laughter, she could barely speak. She had to grip the counter to contain herself, and she held up her other hand to stop me from speaking while she continued to giggle. I got a little irritated. I wasn't that bad, was I?

"You are lucky you're cute, baby, because that was...oh man, that was the funniest thing I ever seen!" she managed to cough out.

I grumbled. I wasn't that bad, I thought. Spying my shirt from last night dangling over the edge of the other chair, I grabbed it and shrugged it on.

"Oh, come on, don't stop now!" she said, still laughing.

"Screw you," I said. I turned to head towards the bedroom.

"Come on, don't be a drama queen, finish the show!" she called after me. I flipped her off without looking at her, and slammed the doors.

Once confined to my room, I plopped back down on the bed, fully intent on spending the rest of the day moping and waiting for Josh to come back.

"Moody or not, you are coming to the beach with me today. Nell is just as busy as the other guys, and you don't see me trippin." Lisa called, sounding like she was just outside the door.

I rolled my eyes. Of course she wasn't upset about not seeing Nelly all day. She saw him EVERY day, they worked together. She at least got to live in the same city as her boyfriend, while I had wait to call Josh at ten thirty at night after practice just to hear his voice. She had no idea what I was feeling, how dare she insist that I just shrug my shoulders and suddenly run to the beach. I wouldn't get to spend any real time with Josh except maybe a brief hello as he ran from his two o clock performance to his interview at two thirty. Then after that, he was booked until ten o clock tonight, thanks to that little asshole scheduling director from last night. I pounded the pillow in anger. Man that guy pissed me off so much! His stupid whiny little nasal voice: ... "...liaisons with non-corporate personnel will be kept at a minimum..." ... non corporate personnel my ass... ... dip stick had obviously never been laid and didn't understand the kinds of needs we "non corporate personnel" have... ... ...asshole, I'll non corporate you...

Lisa knocked on the door, interrupting my flashback.

"Boy, if you think you are going to sit in there all day and whine and wait for your man to come back, you got another thing coming. Now get some shoes on, we are going to have some fun!"

"I can have fun in here," I insisted.

"Like how, staring at the wall?" she said.

"I got a window." I shouted back.

"You got a window... ...gimme three seconds and I'll throw you out of it..." I heard her mutter.

"What was that?" I shouted.

"Are you dressed in there?" she said.

"Yeah," I answered.

She burst in, still insistent on getting me to eat by carrying a piece of her coffee cake. Had she made the damn thing? Who the hell eats coffee cake?

She plopped down on the edge of the bed and held out the food. I just looked at it, then focused my attention at the waves crashing outside the window, nonverbally telling her to get lost.

"Fine, don't eat. But don't think I won't throw your two hundred pound ass over my shoulder and carry you down to the beach. I'm a tough bitch, I'll do it." She crossed her arms across her chest, trying her best to look as tough as a one hundred ten pound person can be.

I scrunched up my face, trying not to smirk, but she caught it.

"Ah ha! Is that a smile I see?" she said, grinning at me. I looked away.

"I weigh one seventy five," I replied amusedly.

She laughed. "Whatever. I'll give you fifteen minutes to shower and get ready, then I'm coming back with a crane." I nodded numbly, and watched her leave. I guess I should be glad I had a friend like Lisa. She refused to let me get too upset about Josh having to work. I suppose I needed that. And how long had I known her? Three days?!?

I sighed and heaved myself out of the bed. Too lazy to bother changing out of my clothes, I found some sandals to put on, then looked at myself in the mirror. I splashed some water on my face, but I was in too depressing a mood to worry much about personal hygiene. Josh says I look better all rugged anyway.

I put away all of the bathroom stuff in my bag, then went out into the front room and cleaned up a little from the party last night, piling all the glasses in the sink and pushing in all the chairs. It was a pointless task since I'm sure some hotel employee would be doing that in a few minutes anyway. Force of habit from staying in lousy motels with the baseball team and NOT having such luxuries of travel accommodations.

Lisa was staying a few doors down the hall, and I didn't know what else she was expecting me to do to get ready, so I went back in to the bedroom and stared at the unmade bed, remembering how I had watched Josh fall asleep last night. I had held him so tight, my body had tingled at the contact my skin made with his back muscles. I had spent almost an hour maybe, just listening to the soft sounds of him breathing, in, then out. It gave me some sort of comfort I guess. I was just in such awe of him, I couldn't believe it. Yesterday had been hazardous enough, just being able to see him, but it had ended so perfect. It had all made sense last night. I could still feel the warmth from his body on my skin, still smell the amorous scent of his hair, and I could still see that golden smile in my mind. Have I told you how much I hate MTV and their stupid little corporate policies?

I still haven't told you what happened last night, have I?

Let's see, last I left off we were all in the pool, having a grand old time, remember? That was bound to last.

After splashing around in the water for less than two minutes, Josh was paged by the executive producer, who wanted them all to assemble for an impromptu briefing at the Playa de Royale, the hotel where all the MTV executives had set up camp. Surprisingly, us 'regular' people were invited too, because there was a buffet or something going on while Josh and them were working on scheduling airtime, and a party afterwards that sounded like fun.

Content that at least Josh would be no more than one hundred feet away (I was starting to become creepily attached to him, I know. I don't really know what else to tell you except I wanted to always be next to him. Is that love? ) I agreed to accompany the girls to the buffet, with the promise that I would be rewarded with a night out (alone) with Josh afterward.

Things started out ok. Since Lisa, Sara and me all shared the same hotel, we stayed behind while everyone else picked up all their things, changed, and left via escorted Escalades. After I got my brief good bye hug, I had headed over to the minibar, where I managed to find a beer that didn't look too hoity toity or imported, and turned on the TV to catch the end of a Blue Jays game. I had pulled on an old pair of jeans over my swimsuit, and about forty five minutes later, Lisa popped back to my room, took one look at me, and her jaw came undone and clattered to the floor.

She was wearing a very classy grayish tan colored dress, a nice silver necklace and diamond earrings, her hair piled up on her head and set with gold barrettes. She was wearing matching high heeled shoes and carrying a small tan leather purse.

"What the hell are you doing, we have to be over there in ten minutes! You ain't even ready yet, what is wrong witchu?" she squealed. How was I supposed to know this was a dress up thing?

Without another word, she grabbed me by the shoulder and dragged me through the living room into the bedroom and left me in front of the closet, where she rummaged around for a minute. Lucky josh had hung all my clothes for me. She pulled out a pair of tan chinos and this white shirt with burgundy and tan stripes that I never wore but for some reason I thought I might in Cancun and my sandals.

"I didn't know, ok? I thought this was just another kind of hang out," I said as an excuse.

"You got any cologne?" she said, ignoring my excuse.

"Yes, its...hold on a second, ok? What is going on with you? I mean, we barely know each other, yet you come over here and pick out my clothes?"

She sighed, then looked at me sternly for a full minute. "Well, since I can't have you, I'll settle for being your best girlfriend, how's that?" she said, cool as a cucumber.

"What?" I said, taken aback.

Lisa looked around, dusting her hands off on her sides, unsure if she wanted to explain. Finally, she said, "Austin, I didn't forget the other day at the coffee house." She looked distantly out the window, her voice at a much softer tone than the loud, exasperated one she had used just a second ago.

I was standing next to the couch, holding the clothes she picked out about ten feet away. I was again, at a loss for words

"Lisa..."

"Forget it. It's old news now, ok? It never happened, remember?" she gave me a small smile, then chuckled slightly at her last statement.

"You know that just saying that isn't going to makes things better between us," I finally said. What are you doing!? My mind screamed at me. Shut up!

Lisa looked up at me, surprised. "What do you mean?" she said tentatively.

I sighed. "Look, I don't want you to go away with the idea that I was just sort of using you to figure out some of my sexuality issues ok?" I said.

Lisa tsked. "Why not? That's all it was, right? I was just kind of there so you could, what, tell yoself you were going through a phase or something?"

"That's not it." I said, even though that's exactly what it was.

"Whatever ok. Look, can I be honest with you? Can I trust you?"

I threw up my hands, as if to say, why not? All my closest friends were a zillion miles away it seemed, why not cozy up to someone I had met less than 72 hours ago.

"I feel really weird saying this, you know, considering we hardly know each other, but I just feel like I can be real with you. I feel closer to you than my friends back home."

I glanced up at her. She looked serious.

"Not in a sexual way, don't worry. I'm over that... ...kind of." She smiled, and I raised my eyebrows, still trying to figure out exactly what she was trying to say.

"I guess its just finally meeting someone who's real down to earth and ...I don't know...normal. It's a breath of fresh air."

"A breath of fresh air?" I repeated. I have never, ever been called a breath of fresh air.

"I guess you don't really know what I'm saying..." she said, looking for the right words. She took a seat in one of the arm chairs perched near the windows. I stayed standing.

"I've been kickin' it in LA for almost two years now, and well...When I first came out here... I don't know, I just had all these ideas about stars and the glamour life, and Hollywood and everything, that I didn't even think of how empty and fake it all is. Everyone's frontin', trying to be someone else, or trying to impress someone, or they be expecting a camera to be watching them all the time. Like, Nelly. I've been with him seriously for about eight or nine months I guess, and...I hate who he's turned into." She paused for a while.

I gaped at her, unsure of what she was saying.

"What do you mean, who he's turned into?" I said.

Lisa sighed. She fidgeted in her seat a little, restlessly avoiding answering the question.

"He ain't the same as when I first met him. He's like, different. He treats me different. I used to think I meant something, that we were meant for each other or some shit, but know its like I'm nothing. Like I'm some object."

"Then dump him, " I said matter-of-factly. "You need someone to treat you right, get rid of him."

Lisa laughed. "The boy thinks he treats me like a queen!"

"Queen of the damned maybe."

"He wasn't always like this, though. It's so weird what fame can do to you, you know?"

I shrugged. "I guess."

"I guess I'm not really explaining myself. I was talking about how everyone's all fake, right?"

"Yeah."

"Nelly is fake times a million."

"'Fake times a million'? What are you, three?" I teased.

"Shut up," she said. "I'm serious. You can't even have an intelligent conversation with him no more. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's smart, he got a lot of opinions on a lot of sophisticated things, its just...ever since Nellyville went platinum...all he does is hang around with his boys and buy clothes and cars and talk about how much money he has and how famous he is. I mean, it was cute at first, you know. I like confident guys, but now it's just...annoying. Yesterday he bought a platinum chain that cost like half a million dollars, and he won't stop talking about it. He keeps it in a special velvet case that has some stupid voice activated lock on it in his crib, with special laser guards and all this security crap straight out of that movie the Matrix or something."

I laughed.

"Nellyville. I've heard that damn track about a billion times now. He plays all them songs nonstop all day on some internal audio system in his house. I mean, he's a great singer, and he can bust rhymes like no one, but...He just gets so full of himself, it's such a turn off. You know what I'm sayin?"

"You still haven't answered the question. Why are you still with him?"

Lisa fell silent. "I do love him, I really do. He used to treat me so sweet...god, it seems like so much has changed in such a short time." She paused for a minute, collecting her thoughts.

"When I first met him, like a year ago, I had just gotten my internship at Jive, and I was taking on a full course load at UCLA. Our group of interns was set to attend some initial business meetings N'sync was having with Nell's label, talking about putting together that Girlfriend track, right? Justin and Nelly are tight I guess, and that meeting was trying to get through all the legal and licensing stuff to get everything good to headline the new track. I don't really know. But basically, at one of the breaks, Cornell comes up to me and we start talking, and he's all asking me questions you know, like why was I interested in the music business and all that, and I told him about me wanting to sing, and he asked me to sing something. Just flat out, just like that. I'm like uh, well...um, I mean how you gonna up and just ask me something like that, right? But he's got his game goin, he's this rap star, what could it hurt? I sang a few lines, and he said I had a beautiful voice. He said something like, with my looks and talent, I could wrap Hollywood around my little finger. I just ate it all up, man, I admit it. I was young, I fell for all that bullshit he was saying. He told me he could get me a record contract, that I'd be getting air time and all this shit. He's saying he'll help me write lyrics and work the business and a whole bunch of shit that still ain't happened yet.

"Anyway, he asked me to go clubbing later that night with him and his crew, so I'm like aight. I'm bout to hang with Nelly, everyone's all work it, girl. That night we're hanging at the club, drinking, having a good time. He's got his hands all over me, we're feeling the music, everything's cool. One thing led to another, and I'm in his hotel room."

I raised my eyebrows.

"Don't even look at me like that, ok? I had a little too much to drink. It was my own fault."

"I'm not saying nothing..." I start to protest, but she interrupts.

"The point it, it probably would have been all done like that, but we had to work together kind of, and I had to sign confidentially agreements or something like that, so when he avoided me like all week I felt really used, you know? I was pissed off at that fucker for leading me on like that. I felt like shit. He was all telling me all this shit about singing and he got me all excited, and it was all bull. I was more mad at myself for letting him just take me like that. First rule of being a female in LA, never believe any man who say he goin help you 'make it'."

I nodded solemly.

"But anyway, that next weekend, he comes back up to me and tries to sweet talk his way back into my pants, and I'm all I ain't falling for that shit again, move on, playa. He said he sorry, he didn't mean to treat me like some ho, and he apologized for everything he did. He said he thought we had a connection or something, and he was feeling my game. He said he really did think I had talent, and he hoped we could put that night behind us and be friends.

"I didn't believe him right away, but I did say I would forget what happened. It's not the first time some man's given me a line that I didn't see. And he seemed straight, you know, sincere or whatever, so we said we'd just be friends.

"We had a really good relationship going when we were friends. He's always clowning around, he'd just crack you up. I was always laughing around him, and he kept it up. If he weren't such a rhymer, he'd be a comedian, straight up. The entire time he was in town, which was pretty much all semester for me, he treated me real good, like a real friend, and he acted like a regular guy. It was before he was so famous and everything. It was nice. He sent me this big ol flower thing for my birthday, and it was so sweet. He was an angel.

"I fell for him somewhere along the way. I started slacking off from school to spend time with him, and I applied for a fulltime position at Jive when my internship was up, just to be with him. All last summer we talked almost everyday on our cells, and he came to see me for a week before he went touring with Ja Rule and all them, and it was the best time. Before he left, he told me he was down with me so deep he wanted me to be the girl waiting for him when he came back. He said he was going to be thinking about me and only me every night, and that he wanted me more than a friend. But he asked me first. And I told him I was in love with him. You should've seen him, his smile got all big, his eyes got so clear. It was like the nicest memory I have in my whole life, that one night."

I smiled. "That's like something out of a romance novel or something," I teased.

"Shut up. It was a real nice moment, ok? Anyway, we call all summer, see each other when we can. He took me to the AMA's, and took me to Maui the last week before school started. We were in love.

"Ever since school started back up, I've had almost no time to see him, and when I do, he's usually performing in some other city. He only gets like two weeks off in October, then he works all the way up until February. We didn't even get to spend Christmas together.

"In the new year though, he released Nellyville in January. It went platinum in a couple of weeks, hit the top of the billboards in early February. It was his first LP, and it went straight to his head. Now, he's...he's changed. He's not the same. All the money...it changed him. It used to be about the music, I mean he was famous before I met him, but now its different. He doesn't even write anymore, he spends every night out clubbing with his friends. He doesn't listen to me, he doesn't listen to his manager. He thinks he's king of the world right now, and I don't know how much longer I can take it."

Then, to top it all off, he keeps trying to throw money at me, always buying me clothes and stuff, as if I want all that. He bought me a brand new Porsche and designer clothes and everything. And he won't take no for an answer when I say I don't want any damn clothes. I don't need no damn Versace, I want you, baby." She sighed.

"Now he just uses it as a weapon. He says I'm riding with him cause of all his money, and I'm like fuck all that. I've been with you since the beginning, I don't care about all this money shit. He don't believe me. He's let the money change him, blind him. He's all up in the clouds now, and I can't hardly reach him no more." Lisa sighed again, her heart full of regret.

God damn it. Here I was, all worried and whiny about not spending time today with josh, and Lisa just has to go and have an even deeper, serious problem. Doesn't it suck when you think you have a problem, then you talk to someone else who has it ten times worse?

"I'm so sorry," I said dumbly. "You think you'll be ok to head out tonight?" I said, looking her in the eye.

She smiled back. "Of course I am, like I said, I'm used to this. Now come on. Get your ass dressed and looking pretty again and we'll head out. We're already hella late." And just like that, she closed back up again and substituted her pain for a smile. Some people are just hard to figure out.

I glanced at my watch as she got up to leave and saw that it was almost eight fifty. We were due at the MTV buffet at nine. Oh well.

But no sooner had we finished talking when someone knocked at my door. We walked out to the living room and opened it to see Sara, who looked completely surprised to see Lisa there.

"Hey," she said to her. "I was just at your room, I was wondering where you went, girl. We're supposed to be ready to go, what have you been doing?"

Lisa and I glance at each other. "Talking," I said.

Sara looked at me skeptically, but she didn't say anything else.

"I came over to get this boy ready, and we just kind of got to talkin'..." Lisa said, trailing off. For some reason, it seemed very odd for her to be here, and the truth sounded weird, as if we were hiding something.

"Ok, well are you ready?" Sara asked me.

"Um, well..." I said, glancing down at my bare chest and jeans. I was still barefoot.

"Hurry up, Austin. Josh is waiting for you," she said, stressing the Josh slightly. I looked at her, but she smiled primly back at me.

"Allright, it'll take me two seconds." I said, and quickly scooted past Lisa into the bedroom.

I came back out after throwing on the outfit Lisa had picked out and saw both girls standing in silence, arms crossed over their chests, concentrating on the floor. I tried to smile winningly. Lisa wasn't the only one who knew how to fake enthusiasm.

"Come on, ladies, we're heading to a party! Cheer up!" I said, clasping my hands on their shoulders. Sara just glanced at my hand, and I immediately took it off. Jeez, her time of the month or something, I thought. Damn.

I turned out the lights and made sure I had my keycard, and I followed them to the elevator, where an armed bodyguard/chauffer was waiting to take us down to the lobby and over to the other hotel. None of us were talking much, and I decided it was just as well. I was looking forward to later this evening with Josh too much to care.

The city would've been gorgeous at night were it not for the droves of college kids at every street corner laughing and drinking and making asses of themselves. You could see all the stars and everything, and the lights of the boardwalk and the torches along the beach were really spectacular.

"Wow, we should have a party down by the beach, look at that!" I said, pointing out the window.

Sara squinted out the heavily tinted glass and looked toward where I was pointing. "There are probably a thousand kids over there," she said.

"Where?" I said skeptically. "I don't see anyone."

"That wall of torches is the top of a cliff, hon. The beach is about ten feet below it. If we walked over there, you'd see about a thousand people partying," said Lisa.

"Oh," I said in a small voice. I didn't say anything the rest of the trip, which took a long time because we had to keep stopping to let people drunkenly amble across the street. At one point, we were stopped nearly ten whole minutes as a parade of college kids swarmed around our car, several guys peering in to try and see through the windows.

Sara gave a small start as some guy practically fell loudly against her window, his hands cupped over his eyes, leering into the car.

"We'd get there faster walking," muttered our driver. He pointed up the street about a block away at a large pink backlit building. "That's the hotel right there."

"We can walk," I said, looking to the girls in turn. Sara glanced back out at the surrounding mass of people, her eyebrows raised. She nervously pushed her eyeglasses back up the bridge of her nose.

"They won't get anything on us, will they?" said Lisa hesitantly, absentmindedly smoothing a non-existent wrinkle in her low-cut dress.

"About ten gallons of Bacardi probably," Sara said. She sighed in disgust at the guy against her window, who was for some reason pulling up his T-shirt and rubbing his nipples against the glass.

"We're never going to get out of this traffic jam, guys," said our driver. He picked up his mobile phone and started to page his shift leader.

"Come on, we'll be fine," I said. "It's just a couple of hundred feet to the hotel, we don't need to be escorted in there," I said matter-of-factly. I popped open my door.

"Austin!" yelled Lisa.

"Hey don't open the door!" said the driver, snapping his head back at me.

I rolled my eyes at them and heaved myself out, taking a survey of the surroundings.

Nothing happened. I don't think any one even noticed, and once they saw a regular guy like me get out of the darkly tinted Aztek, nobody paid us a second glance. Lisa followed me out my door, because her door had been plastered shut by a girl and a guy making out.

Sara tumbled over the middle compartment and went out our door, not wanting to risk a confrontation with the guy that was making a move on her window. Our driver opened his door with some difficulty, and the girls grabbed their purses.

"What should we do with the car?" said the driver, looking around as if we would find a parking spot.

"Leave it here," said Sara. She put her hands on her hips. "It doesn't look like this party is going to end any time soon," she said, but she had to practically shout for us to hear her over all the noise.

She was right, it looked like a Mardi Gras party without the beads. Hundreds of people were milling around, laughing and drinking. Some music could be heard booming out of several bars along the street, but you could barely hear it over the loud rumbling of the crowd.

Almost immediately, people swarmed around us, engulfing our little group. Within seconds, we had lost the driver, who had probably stepped off to go get a drink himself. He looked like he needed it.

The building we were headed for was twelve stories tall, so it was pretty easy to tell which way to go, but unfortunately the crowd wouldn't part like the Red Sea to let us through, so I had to grab Lisa's hand, while she grabbed Sara's, and push people out of the way.

It was slow going, shoving my way through these groups of people, and I got felt up about five times as we passed between the groups of partiers. A constant aroma of alcohol hovered over the street, and it did very little to help my impatience. I felt even worse for the girls, both of whom were wearing pretty classy gear. A couple of times, some guys were holding us up, trying to hold me back while they tried to feel up Sara and Lisa, saying dumb shit like how bout you share man. I shoved this short cocky son of a bitch about ten feet and he fell over, drunk as fuck, when he slipped in between the two and grabbed both their asses.

Unfortunately, his buddies all started screaming at me, a couple of them shoving me around the circle, and I started to get a little intimidated, but Lisa kicked one in the balls, and the rest of them backed off.

"Let us the fuck through bitch, you do not want to piss my black ass off!" she screamed, facing the group off in a fighter's stance. They were so surprised, they let us pass, and Sara and I tried not to laugh. People can be so stupid when they're drunk.

It was so loud, we couldn't hear ourselves. I don't know how so many people could have stood the noise, just to hang out and drink. Why weren't they in the bars? There just wasn't enough room?

It took about twenty five minutes to walk half a block. I almost got in another fight with some asshole who took five minutes to get me into focus, but I managed to pull our party to the edges of the hotel property, which had been blocked off by "high security" chain link fencing and a group of six or seven Mexican cops.

Breathlessly, we tried to explain to them that we needed to get inside, but with no ID, no driver, and not knowing much Spanish, we didn't get very far.

"Come on, we have to attend a buffet, we're almost an hour late!" I growled angrily at the main cop, who, even though he was a good three inches shorter than me, didn't look the slightest bit intimidated. He knocked me back with his baton and continued to watch the mayhem ensue around us on the surrounding street.

I cupped my head in my hands in frustration, then turned to the girls to see if they had any ideas. Lisa didn't seem too concerned; she was struggling to put back on her shoes, which she had taken off shortly before we made our trek through the crowd. One of the straps of her dress had fallen down her shoulder in the mess, along with her white bra strap. Tendrils had come loose from her carefully coiffed hair, giving her a very sexual just-been-fucked look... ...Ok, bad thought.

Sara on the other hand, was trying to call Lance on her cell phone, which was perched between her ear and her shoulder. She had her lips pinched and her arms crossed, so I don't think it was going very well. In case you care, she was wearing some black sleeveless blousey thing with black stripey pants, and her hair in a bun, which had kind of fallen back to the back of her head in a mess, the thick blonde locks loosely held in place by a dark brown clip. She would have looked a lot older, if it weren't for the pink eyeglasses. Apparently Lance wasn't picking up.

I tried to argue with the security again, but they basically ignored me. Without some sort of pass or ID to show we were with MTV, we weren't getting in. I tried to call Josh, but he didn't answer either, which was kind of odd, but I guessed that maybe, since this was the first time I had used my cell phone since we arrived in Cancun, my long distance plan was messed up. I didn't obther leaving messages. Josh told me he doesn't answer voice mails until the next morning. I started to get frustrated and pissed off. Lisa couldn't reach Nelly or a couple other Jive people from her phone either, and Sara was in a really crappy mood because of Lance. Why hadn't we been issued security ID's yet? Where was our driver? Why wasn't Josh answering his phone?

That was what really caused me the most worry. The fourth time I called him, I ruled out the long distance plan theory. My phone service usually directs me to a pre-recorded message if I move out of my calling area, and so far I had hit Josh's voice mail every time, so it wasn't like the signal wasn't getting through. Was he just too busy? I was actually half expecting him to call me to see if I got there ok, him being such a worry wart and everything.

Before I could panic too much, our driver finally caught up to us and showed them his personnel pass, and ushered us through the chained link fence.

Despite the late arrival, it turned out that all we missed was the buffet. Nobody was really expecting us, and once we were bit and tagged (i.e. finally got our visitor's badges, which we were instructed to where at ALL MTV events), we had rushed down the hotel lobby and reached the buffet room to find a lot of people just sort of milling around, talking to each other, all of them dressed extra casual. I shot Lisa a look. She wouldn't meet my eye.

Maybe the presentation had already taken place. I fervently searched every face for Josh, even standing on tip toes to try and see over people's heads. I didn't really recognize anybody, and after I made a full sweep of the room and came up empty, I considered the possibility that maybe we had come to the wrong buffet. Maybe we just crashed somebody's bat mitzvah or something.

Sara and Lisa on the other hand, pointed out that everyone had an MTV (excuse me, Viacom) badge on, so we were at the right place, and they led the way over to the remains of the buffet table, talking between them about something I didn't really care to pay attention to. I sort of mutely trailed behind them, as I searched for a familiar face, thinking it best to keep moving.

Who are these people? I wondered. I didn't recognize a single person. I had watched people move in and out of the Jive studio in LA all week, and I couldn't see anybody from there. I didn't see any of the backup dancers, or any of the rehearsal set people either.

After a few minutes, we heard someone clearing their throat over a microphone, and I looked to the back of the room, which had an empty stage with a drum set and some spare music stands and amplifiers and microphones, but no band. The person in the center tapping the mike was a tall, very skinny guy in a white dress shirt, a greenish gray sweater vest and pleated chinos, with closely cropped blond hair that accentuated his receding hair line. He pushed up a pair of brown horn rimmed glasses up his long pointed nose, and clutched a clipboard to his chest.

"Excuse me," he said, in a very annoying nasal voice. "Excuse me, everyone please gather around the stage at the rear of the room please,"

The mob migrated towards him, moving closer together, some people still having their own three or four person conversations.

"What I'm about to say is standard corporate procedure, so I'll get through it quickly so that we can all pig out at the bar," he said. Noone laughed. Someone coughed.

"Anyway," the man said, after a second. He shuffled pages on his clipboard.

"First I would like to welcome you all to Cancun, for some of you this might be your first time working with Viacom and its subsidiaries, for others, this will be a review.

"First off, we'll lay some of the ground rules for you newcomers, and then we'll detail the itinerary for the next few days. Is the projector working?" He looked off to the side, and someone pressed a button. A white screen slowly came down from the ceiling. Oh. My. God. I wanted to die. Here we were, Can-freaking-cun, and we're going to watch a slideshow? I wasn't alone in my annoyance, as several people around me groaned into their cocktails.

Sweatervest continued talking for a long time, his moronic voice lulling almost everyone to sleep. It was all corporate stuff like code-talk for people on walkies, different emergency procedures, and clearance protocols, you know, for like getting into and out of the MTV hotspots. Then came the winner.

"Due to a ubiquitous vote by the RIAA, something has to be said about personal interactions with recording talent. We are all well aware of the incident with the security breach and Ms. Nelly Furtado last year, and to avoid similar incidents that may incur legal ramifications, liaisons with non-corporate personnel will be kept at a minimum. That includes all assistants, chauffeurs, security, and similar servicemen and women.

"As a further indication of this new corporate policy, tonight's hosted after party has been restricted to all H- and R-level employees, and after the presentation, you'll all need to kindly leave the premises."

Groans and murmured disgust followed this news. I, on the other hand, was confused.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I said to the girls, gesturing to the guy, who was starting to go through a new slide show illustrating the list of performances going on camera tomorrow.

"It means we're not going to be able to see our boyfriends tonight," sighed Sara, taking a sip from her champagne.

"What!?" I exploded. "The whole reason I came to this damn thing was so that I could actually spend some time with Josh!" I said angrily.

Lisa lightly touched my shoulder. "Don't feel too bad, baby. I heard this same speech last year."

Sara snorted in disgust. "If I had known that I would be spending the evening fighting off perverted, inebriated frat boys only to be told that I couldn't spend the evening with my boyfriend, I would have just stayed back at my hotel with a pint of Haagan Daaz and My Best Friend's Wedding."

"I hear that, girl!" grinned Lisa, and they slapped five.

"I'm not giving up so easy," I declared, pulling out my cell.

"What are you gonna do, 00-dumb ass? Zap em with your cellphone gun?" said Lisa.

"Nope. I'm going to call Josh. There must be some mistake, we're not their assistants or anything. It shouldn't apply to us. Maybe they forgot to tell us something." The dial tone rang.

Sara crossed her arms over her chest, but said nothing. Lisa kept her hand on my shoulder as we waited for Josh to pick up.

On the third ring, a low, breathy, non-Josh voice answered. "Hello?"

"Hello?" I said, wondering who the hell would be answering Josh's phone. "Is Josh there?"

The person didn't answer, and I heard a muffled noise as whoever it was passed the phone over, then finally josh said "hello?"

"Hey," I said, instantly calmed at the sound of his sexy, low voice. "So they said the buffet was cancelled or something?"

"Oh yeah, didn't someone tell you?" he said.

"No," I said quietly.

"Well yeah, they decided not to have it at the last minute, some legal issue or something. Are you still at the hotel?" I could hear loud music coming from the background, Josh had to half shout to hear himself.

"No, we're here at the other hotel, the one where we were supposed to meet you?" I said.

"What?" Josh said loudly.

"I said, no, we're at the hotel you told us to meet you at," I said a little louder.

"You are? I... ...hold on, ok?" Josh put me on hold for a minute. After a couple minutes of silence, he came back. "Can I call you right back?"

"Yeah sure," I said dully.

"K, love you. Bye," Josh said quickly, then I heard a dull click followed the hum of the dial tone.

I slowly lowered the phone and flipped it shut, still stunned.

"Well?" Sara prompted. "What did he say?"

"He said he'd call me right back," I said quietly.

Lisa and Sara exchanged knowing glances over my head.

"Señores, please to be exiting por alla, por favor." A waiter was ushering us out of the dining hall, which was slowly emptying now that the presentation was over. We made our way out the archway the man was pointing us towards and walked along the hall into the hotel lobby, all of us silent and depressed. I was still clutching my phone.

Our driver miraculously found us within a few minutes. "Did you hear this bullshit?" he complained. "How the hell am I supposed to chauffeur these fucking brats around if I'm not allowed to get near them? Dumb asses, who thought up this crap? I'm going to write back to my dispatcher, I ain't no god damn rent a cop, I got a fucking business to run!" he continued to rant all the way out to the street, which was still packed to the brim with drunken college spring breakers, most of whom seemed to have shed clothing since we were last out here.

Our driver had managed to park the car on a side street, away from the block party, and nothing extraordinary happened on our way to find the car. I didn't really pay much attention to my surroundings, I was still too stunned at the brush off I got from Josh and I was depressed that I wouldn't be spending the evening with him. My plans for the evening ruined, I had no interest in making fun of unsupervised frat boys and sorority chicks.

Once we climbed into the car, our driver seemed to have substituted his anger for enthusiasm, as he said cheerfully, "Well, where to now, kids? Sorry they cancelled the party, but MTV is run by a bunch of dickless morons. I've been driving with them for five damn years, and not one trip has gone by where I haven't gotten a call two minutes before we take off to change some minor detail." He turned his head to look over his shoulder as he backed the car out of its spot, then twiddled the wheel around to get into traffic. "Like we all just sit around without a fucking life of our own, waiting to lick these celebrities boots. I tell ya, another eight months, I'll have enough to buy my own limo, and I'll start my own business, fuck this shit."

"He might still call us right back," I said, looking hopefully to Sara, who was still sitting in the front seat. She shook her head smugly.

"Welcome to the First Wives' Club, Austin. And trust me, he won't call back."

I glared at her. "First Wives' Club?"

She grinned. "That's right, the first wives' club. It's what we call ourselves when we start to feel like we're being ignored."

"I'm not being ignored," I insisted. "He said he'll call me right back."

"They always say that," Sara said. "But don't worry, you'll get used to this. The long nights staying up while he's at some private wrap party."

"The parties you can't get into," chimed in Lisa.

"The phone calls never made. You'll get used to it all of it."

"You don't know that," I said angrily. Sara was really pissing me off tonight. What did she know? So Lance never called her. Maybe it was because she was always acting like such a bitch.

"He just forgot to tell me, it's not that he was too busy."

Lisa giggled. "Isn't it cute? He doesn't even realize," she said.

Now I had had it. "Look you guys, maybe you think you know everything, but Josh is different ok? Something came up, he said he'd call right back."

"Oh we're not saying it's his fault, most likely they conned them all into extra rehearsals when they 'cancelled' the buffet," said Sara.

"It didn't sound like they were at rehearsal," I said before I could stop myself.

"What do you mean?" said Lisa.

"He sounded like he was at a party, I...I could hear music and stuff," I said. Silence.

Our driver broke the silence. "Well kids, if you ask my opinion, screw those Hollywood rejects. They don't want to invite you to their party, I say you make your own party."

I wasn't really in the partying mood, but I felt it too impolite to tell the driver to shut the fuck up. He was still riled about the new MTV corporate policy. Within a few minutes, though, I realized he was taking us back to our hotel, which was probably just as well. I was pissed off at everyone in the car, I wasn't with Josh, and I looked like some desperate lovesick dork clutching my phone in anticipation. Nothing seemed to be going my way tonight.

The car pulled up to the curb of my hotel, where a valet offered to park it, but the driver waved the man away. "Last stop guys. I'm being paid until midnight, so if you need me to take you somewhere else, let me know now."

"Last chance for a girl's night in, Austin," said Lisa.

"Ooh, we can order room service and gossip and watch HBO..." Sara chimed in.

"For Christ sakes, I'm not a fucking girl, all right!" I interrupted angrily. I got out of the car and slammed the door shut. Lisa and Sara immediately got out after me.

"We didn't say..." Lisa started to say.

"Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I want to sit around all fucking day and paint my toenails and talk about Cosmo!" I interrupted.

They both looked at me, agape.

"I'm not in some fucking First Wives' Club. He said he'd call, he'll call." I leaned against the back of the car and stared at the phone, willing it to ring.

Lisa just stayed quiet, but Sara turned nasty, her hands on her hips.

"Excuuuuse me, don't get your panties all in a bunch, jack ass. I didn't call you a girl or think that you were just because you are gay. I'm not an idiot, I was just trying to make you feel better because this is what happens when you start going out with a musician. At first it's all lovey dovey, then they start breaking dates and stuff. Their careers will always be number one, and if you sit around staring at that phone all night, you're going to go crazy and get all upset over nothing. Now just calm the fuck down and let's just call it a night, ok?"

"Sounds like someone's being just a little bit sensitive about the gay issue, huh?" said Lisa, crossing her arms over her chest. "We were just trying to help you out."

"I'm not being sensitive. I just don't want to be treated like a chick," I said irritably.

"Nobody's treating you like anything. If you want, you can go ahead and smash beer cans on your forehead with those other morons at the Plaza, for all we care," said Sara.

Feeling like an ass, I put the phone away. I guess I was being a little oversensitive. "Fine, I'm sorry. This just wasn't the spring break I had planned on."

"It never is." Sara sighed. She rubbed the bridge of her nose in frustration.

"Hey, how bout we all just go get a drink in the lobby, huh? God knows I could use one," said Lisa, desperate to change the subject.

"Sure," I said. I felt like I wanted to drink the whole bar suddenly. So we started walking towards the hotel, me feeling even more like an ass for going all hyper sensitive, when I heard my phone ringing.

My face broke into a grin. "Ha!" I said, my hand diving for my pocket.

The girls looked on in disbelief. "I don't believe it..." Lisa muttered.

"Hello?" I said eagerly.

"Hey sexy," Josh purred at me. My grin was ear to ear as I transferred the phone to my other ear.

"If it were Lance, I wouldn't get a call back until tomorrow afternoon," Sara complained.

Lisa gave a dry half chuckle. "Nelly wouldn't even do that much. I'd have to find his ass, on a plane halfway to New York."

I waved my hand at them to shut up. "Hey, so what's going on?"

"They didn't really cancel the party, they just moved it and didn't tell all the low level employees," said Josh.

"Well, why didn't you tell me?" I said.

"That's the thing, I thought you knew. I told Justin to call you when we got there, because I had to talk with our executive producer as soon as we got in. He was asking for your phone number, and I thought it was to call you to tell you that they moved the party. Why didn't he tell you?" he wondered.

I frowned. Had I pissed off Justin some how? I decided not to think about it. "Well, hey man, do you still want me to be there?"

"Are you kidding? Of course I do! If you're busy or something..." he teased.

"No no, hell no. Where is it?"

"It's at the Beaumont, this tiny place right by the beach. Actually, you could probably all walk there from your hotel. You still got Sara and that Lisa girl with you?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Ok, well walk outside and head south, and keep going until you get to the end of the street. Go right, and about a block or two is the place. Its pretty small and you might not recognize it, which is why they picked it. It's a grey block building with a red tile roof."

"Ok!" I said excitedly.

"Allright, I'll see you in a few!" Josh said, sounding just as excited.

"K, see ya," I said, then I folded up my phone.

I grinned at the girls. "Allright, who da man now, huh? Who da man?! Josh says they moved the party somewhere else so that those MTV people won't be hanging around asking for autographs and stuff. He told Justin to tell us, but I guess Justin didn't get a chance to or something."

"Timberlake?!" Sara exploded. "That little asshole! No wonder we didn't get the message, that little shit head has it in for me! Ever since I told him to stop being such a stage hog!"

"That stupid prick, why does he always think he's so much better than everyone? I am gonna murder him as soon as I see him!" Lisa growled.

"Calm down you guys, it was probably just a mistake," I said.

"Mistake my ass!" said Lisa. "He's nothing but a frontin Michael Jackson wannabe, with a bad attitude. He needs someone to bring his whiny, two faced Nashville ass back down to earth!"

"He's so god damn self centered, I can't stand him! Do you know how much grief he gives me? OK, last year on our anniversary, Lance and I were planning on taking a trip to Vermont, right? Justin convinced him that Lance had already made plans to play basketball with him that same weekend! Basketball! You can play that any old freakin time, but no, he actually threw a fit like he was three years old! It was so stupid, and then Lance begged me to change the plans for two weekends after. I was so pissed off, girl, steam was coming from my ears," Sara fumed.

"He's not that bad. I get along with him fine," I said.

"That's cause you're a guy. And ain't you really great friends with him or whatever? He was talking your ear off at the pool earlier this afternoon," said Lisa.

"I guess," I answered hesitantly. Was he talking my ear off? I hadn't really noticed.

"He gets along great with guys," Lisa continued, "but he drives women up the wall. If all his fans only knew, he'd be as broke as Vanilla Ice. No wonder Britney dumped him, he's a self centered, pig headed arrogant sonuvabitch, and you just wait till I see his fake ass, I'm gonna tear him a new one!" said Lisa.

"Let's just forget it, ok? Now Josh said it's really close, someplace called the Beaumont. Its down this street here..." I pointed.

The entire way, they traded horror stories about Justin, and how insensitive and vindictive he was. If I hadn't known Justin, they made him seem like the worst guy on earth. How did that happen? I had always thought he was decent, I guess, but he did get kind of snobby sometimes. But then again, what did I know? I had barely met him a week ago. And when I first met him, didn't I think some of the same things about him? I guess once you get to know him, he isn't that bad.

But then again, if I was such good friends with him now, why didn't he tell me where the party was at?

I didn't have much time to think about it, because it took us less than ten minutes to get to the place. Tacky little place, too, made of gray cinder blocks covered in paper propaganda. It was perched on the edge of a strip of sand right next to the water and didn't look like it belonged on this street of mostly expensive hotels and a lush central plaza kind of thing with a fountain and some shaded benches. But that was probably why they picked it of course. To be discreet.

In stark contrast to the dark blue, respectable uniforms Mike and his crew usually wore, the "bodyguards" outside the place looked like shifty drug dealers, perfect for a rave party, but an N'sync, MTV party? I didn't think so. One of them glared at each of us as we passed, his steely eyes making me feel a little bit uneasy, while the other one in the black trench coat poked out a cigarette. Lisa and Sara huddled closer to me.

It turned out we didn't need to worry, because Josh shouted out to us from behind. He was across the street, looking cuter than ever. He was wearing a tight green T-shirt over a long sleeved gray one, droopy black jeans and his hair all wild.

As I half ran across the street toward him, a big goofy smile on my face I was thinking, you know what Josh has? Perfect medium brown hair. You see some guys with like dry looking brown hair, almost ash gray, and then there are guys with blondeish brown hair, and then guys with really dark brown hair like me, but Josh's hair is that perfect medium brown. It's so rich and full. You can't dye your hair that color.

"Hey, finally! It's already eleven thirty, where've you been?" He was saying it to all of us as he walked over, but he was looking only at me, his eyes flashing. I closed the distance between us in a second as I slammed my arms around him, so glad to see him I couldn't put it into words.

"Uh, Austin, you're crushing my ribs," he chuckled.

"Awww," cooed the girls. Man, was I tired of women already.

"Don't ever do that again, Josh. You had me thinking you were trying to ditch me or something," I said into his neck.

"I'm really sorry, I thought Justin would tell you."

I didn't answer, I just kept holding him. I really didn't feel like getting into the Justin thing again. Unfortunately, a few minutes later, someone came out of "Beaumont" and a familiar voice shouted "Hey, hey!", prompting Josh and me to quickly separate.

I turned around to see a smiling Lance walking over to an arms-crossed Sara, who continued to keep her arms crossed while Lance gave her a big hug and kissed her on the forehead. (Did I tell you Sara is only like 5'2"? Why are the short ones always bitchy?)

"Well look who it is, Mr. I-have-better-things-to-do-than-be-with-my-girlfriend," she said.

"Oh come on, babe. I left my phone at the hotel, what was I supposed to do?" Lance said, trying to pull her arms free.

"You could have at least used someone else's, Lance, I thought you invited me out here to spend time with me," she said.

"Um...J is Nell here?" Lisa said hopefully to Josh and me, as Lance and Sara continued to argue among themselves.

"He was," Josh said. "I don't know if he is anymore."

Lisa's whole expression fell. I felt horrible. She had really done herself up really pretty tonight and that asshole Nelly didn't even bother to stay at the party, let alone tell her where he would be. What kind of a boyfriend did that?

"We taking this party outside now!" said another familiar voice. Joey came out, dressed all in black with his familiar, sunny grin.

"No, someone forgot to tell these guys where the party was at," said Josh.

Joey glared at Lance, with his hands on his hips.

"Don't look at me!" Lance said defensively.

"It doesn't matter now, get your asses inside!" said Joey. "And we-he-hell, hello there. And what are you looking all sexy for?" he said in a low voice to Lisa, batting his eyelashes. She laughed. "Don't even try and make a play for me tonight, Joe. I am just too pissed off," she smiled.

"Aww," he whined appreciatively.

"So how was the meeting?" said Sara.

"It went aright, I guess, they got some stupid new promo going on their webcast, but it won't affect us any, so we don't care," answered Lance.

"Is it like that web poll for Real World they tried last year?" said Sara.

"No, more like a thirty second sound bite of a bunch of different vocals singing their trademark. They want us as one of the voices, but Johnny told em no," answered Josh.

"MTV, man, always trying shit without thinking it through," said Joey.

"Kind of like B2K," joked Lisa, and everyone except me laughed.

Feeling as though I had just come to Cancun directly from Saturn, I just sort of stood there in silence while everyone started talking about company stuff I knew nothing about, bands I didn't know, and stuff they had all done last year.

Josh decided we should have our own, private conversation, either because he was tired of hearing the same old things being said or he sensed my complete intimidation.

"I really missed you," he said quietly right into my ear. Startled for a second, I turned to look at him, his bright blue eyes shining, his smile wide. I grinned back.

"We saw each other a couple of hours ago," I said nonchalantly, even though I had missed him just as much.

"I know. I still missed you though," he said. I couldn't look away, our gaze was just locked.

"...And that's why they're trying to sign on that Jurassic 5 re-count on the hit list..." (this is our romantic background music)

"I missed you too. I got so freaked when I didn't see you at that buffet," I said.

"...I never even watch that list no more, they got all these nasty groups ain't no one heard of..."

"...And the dumb thing is, all they gotta do is pitch the clip to MTV, they pull a video out of it, and stupid people actually buy a complete LP after seeing one hit song..."

Josh smiled. "Even if they did have the party, they wouldn't have let me go to the buffet, either. There was this thing last year where they had this kind of mixer, but a couple interns got so star struck they were like pulling at Nelly Furtado's clothes and stuff. And her security guards were too busy eating to do anything. She sued the security company or something, but I guess it didn't make it to court. Just in case though, they've stepped up their security now, and they're not allowing a lot of interaction I guess between their production people and our recording people."

"Yeah, well, I'm not either, so where does that leave me?" I said.

"Right here next to me," he smiled.

"Either that or on top of you," I grinned quietly. Josh bit his tongue as he smiled, his eyes flashing.

"...Remember Ludacris and that ho train he brought last year? Ain't that the same shit that new group Nas-T done try and pass off as they own?..."

"We might be able to make that a possibility," he said.

"A possibility?" I said dryly. The look in his eyes were pretty near guaranteed.

"I might wanna do some stuff to you first," he said.

"What kind of stuff?" I said eagerly. I could feel my dick start to stiffen.

"Well, maybe first...when it's all quiet... I might want to slowly unbutton that shirt of yours..."

I quickly glanced up to see if anyone was paying attention. "Uh huh..." I said to Josh when the coast was clear. I scooted up closer to him so that he wouldn't have to talk so loud.

"And run my hand slowly up that sexy, sculpted line of muscle that's cut so nice between your abs..."

"Uh huh..." I said softly, less than two inches away from his face.

"Then maybe I might want to flick my tongue on your neck, and slowly lick my way down to your chest..."

"Yeah..."

"I might wanna bring my hands around to that cute, sexy butt of yours, and slowly squeeze those rock hard buns..."

"Mmmm..."

"...while I start to lick all the way across those hard, sexy pecs..."

"Oh man...," I groaned softly.

"Then I might slowly trace my fingers under the waistband of those pants, while my other hand I rub slowly over your hard, throbbing, co..."

"And what are you two talking about over here?" interrupted Joey, as he clapped a hand on both of our shoulders. I must have jumped ten feet in the air, he scared the shit out of me.

"Nothing," I said sheepishly, turning red.

Josh said quickly to cover us up, "We'd tell you, but then we'd have to kill you." I have no idea how he can keep his head in such an embarrassing situation.

"Try me, shorty," said Joey. He suddenly went into this little crouching martial arts stance, waving his karate chop-like hands and making a huge scene. I wanted to die.

"Schwaaaaaa!" he said in a high pitched, mocking karate mantra. Everyone laughed, he looked like such an idiot.

"I told you to lay off them Coco Puffs, Joe," said Lance.

"You Die Now!" said Joey, turning to Lance, doing a hilarious Beavis impersonation, his hands hanging over his head in the classic "Bung Holey O" pose.

We all laughed, me more from relief that the attention was off me and Josh.

"Come on, Joe. Let's get inside before they arrest you for possession," laughed Sara.

Josh and I took one last, sighing glance at each other, then we followed everyone through the Beaumont "door" (a hole cut into the boards nailed across the entry), and heard music playing quietly from inside. I recognized the band instantly, it was The Cure, and I smiled in appreciation. I really didn't know what to expect with this party.

It was clear to see that the name "the Beaumont", which I think means beauty or something in Italian, had been sadly misnamed. Although the inside was somewhat better than the outside, it was nowhere near as classy as the buffet room at the Playa de Royale (Royal Beach for us gringos), but it was clean. It was basically just this one huge, one story room with a couple smaller rooms off it. There was a bunch of loud, ostentatious furniture in neon colors and the ceiling, walls and floor were all painted black, and that was pretty much it.

There was a bunch of people inside, but the music was soft, soulful. The real party seemed to be outside, behind the building, because there were two garage doors out the back door that were raised, and it looked like everyone was out there, loud music filtering slowly in, but not loud enough to destroy the atmosphere of the Beaumont. Everyone inside was just sort of hanging out.

As Josh and I brushed shoulders because we were walking so close together, a part of me was itching to grab Josh's hand, but I also had this other, really twisted thought cross my mind at the same time. The thought was..."No, that's too gay". It had nothing to do with "oh, we're in public" or "oh, we don't want to gross anyone out" or "oh, we don't want to make our single friends feel bad". No, that's too gay. Apparently, I still considered myself relatively straight. But since I didn't have much time to worry about it right then, you don't have to worry about it until later. I'll get back to it in a minute.

It started out ok. Joey hooked us up with some Jack and Cokes as we walked in, and, remembering our little fight on the plane, I said casually to josh, "I'm surprised you're letting me drink tonight."

"Maybe I just want you drunk," he shot back.

I slyly raised my eyebrows at him, and he laughed.

We sort of cased the place out, still laughing and having a pretty good time, and then our group sort of split up. Josh led me over to sit with a group of people hanging around this one couch who all greeted him pretty enthusiastically. Lisa and Joey hung around us for a little bit while Lance and Sara went outside to party.

Josh introduced me to a couple of people as an intern, which was laughed at by Joey, but worked well enough for his friends. I was a little skeptical about it, but I didn't worry too much at the time. Then he started introducing his friends, which included one or two hip hop superstars whose one-word stage names sounded vaguely familiar, a couple of people he had met touring with some other group I had never heard of, and a member of No Doubt. None of them seemed too interesting, and after we got settled in, they mostly talked amongst themselves about other people they knew. My attention wasn't exactly on them; it was on Josh and this person that practically jumped into his lap when he sat back down.

Here's where it all started. It was kind of funny, but not really. This person was some ugly brunette chick, almost right away, she said in this really fake tone:

"JC, Where were you? You left for almost twenty minutes, hon??" She grabbed his arm as he sat back down.

To my surprise, Josh just sort of laughed it off.

"I told you, I went to go make sure some friends of mine could get in, that's all," he said, in a syrupy little tone I thought he only saved for me.

Hello?!? I felt like saying to him. I'm right here! But he just turned a little bit away from me as he started talking to this chick.

What the fuck? I tried to calm down, but I couldn't help but start to feel just a tiny bit rejected.

He and this chick were talking non stop. They talked about everything, and it was like it was just the two of them, everyone else just a background. They talked at length about last summer, and working in the studio, and being on tour, and a hundred other things that had happened before I met Josh. I considered the fact that this was probably an old friend of his he hadn't seen in a while, but...I hadn't seen him in while either? Right? Besides, she certainly didn't act like just an old friend. She was all over him, running her hands through his hair and touching his arm and smiling at him. I know, I know, jealousy and all that shit, but after a few minutes, I think I had a right to.

She was so fake looking, and her silicon enhanced D cups did nothing for a very angular, horsey face and a strange, brownish black hair color that couldn't possibly be natural. Aside from just looking weird, she and Josh got into this long conversation as they remembered all these old stories that only made sense. At first it seemed he was telling me these stories, but eventually, he kind of forgot I was sitting there, and for most of the hour or so we spent hanging out with these people, I hardly said a word, occasionally sipping my drink. She was shamelessly flirting with him and messing up his hair, touching his arm, and smiling about every stupid little thing. And he didn't seem to mind.

Apparently, they went way back. They talked on and on about something called a Pop Odyssey tour, and some hilarious incident that had happened that they could laugh themselves to tears about now, but couldn't seem to describe what it was. Around them, the other people were talking about the meeting and MTV, and nobody even looked in my direction. I was just sitting there listening to everyone talk, eating the ice cubes after I sucked the last of my drink, and I began to get irritated.

He wasn't completely ignoring me; every once in a while, he'd ask me if I was having fun, and I answered "Of course", but he didn't seem to pick up on the sarcasm the last two or three times. But I was irritated anyway. I thought he had wanted me at this party so that he could talk to me.

I was also irritated that everyone around us seemed so caddy and self absorbed. No one even looked my way, or even offered me a beer or anything, and I felt really left out. Forget for a minute that some of them were supposedly high profile celebrities, they just seemed so unfriendly. They were all kind of looking at me and wondering how a kid like me got invited.

Finally, after about an hour of this, I decided I wanted another drink. Maybe five. I excused myself from the group as I went back to the bar, and Josh hardly even looked up at me. How fucked up is that.

As I poured myself a screwdriver (nobody seemed to be tending bar), I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Joey and Lisa were getting kind of flirty with each other. They were both sitting in the same armchair, and they were laughing and looking pretty frisky. I wondered what was going on with the two of them, and how close of friends they actually were. Then I thought, gee, isn't it nice how everyone is all hooked up tonight. Except for me. I glared at the back of Josh's head.

He and the chick were laying into this story to the rest of the group, and then they all just burst out laughing. I felt like I shouldn't even have bothered coming. All that worry and distraction I had felt trying to get to this place, and this is what happens? Now I knew why he wasn't answering his phone, and who that other person was that answered for him. It wasn't some long distance bullshit, I thought as I downed my drink way too fast. Now I knew why he was having such a great time and didn't bother to call to tell me they moved the party. Number one, he didn't want anyone to know about his "friend" from out of state and have them wonder about our relationship, and number two: Little Miss Silicon.

Was I blowing things out of proportion? Maybe. Maybe they were just really close friends. Then how come I had never heard him mention her before? Why didn't he bother introducing me?

Maybe I was just being really selfish and was overreacting, and if I were a little more sober I wouldn't think that they were flirting with each other so bad right in front of me. Maybe, but even a little flirting can get to anyone, even the least jealous. And it didn't look like just a casual flirt to me. This bitch was seriously trying to bag my boyfriend.

I started to wonder if maybe I hogged Josh too much. Maybe I didn't give him his space. Maybe I was too selfish. Or maybe I had a right to be. I was the one that flew eight jillion miles to see him. I was the one who sat at the studio most of my trip and actually did my homework I was so bored when he left me by myself. I was the one who second guessed every move we made to be cautious of his friends feelings. Didn't I get anything?

It didn't matter anyway: he was ignoring me, and even I don't think I deserved that. I had waited for counting on three and a half hours to be with him, and then he just ignores me like this? What the fuck? I angrily crumpled up a half empty can of Coors in my hand and sloshed alcohol all over me and the table. I didn't even notice.

Well fuck that. Fine, I'm too needy. I can't be alone too long without slowly dying on the inside. I need someone there with me. That's why I don't stay single too long: I need to know that somebody cares about me. But I guess that's just how fucked up I am. I always need attention, and once someone shows even a glimmer of interest in me, I just overwhelm them until they can't stand it. Same thing happens with everyone I get close to. You open yourself up, and they just don't fucking care. No one cares. I'm just a freak.

Well, I don't fucking care anymore. I've had it, I'm not going to fucking sit around and wait anymore. I'm through waiting. I poured a third screwdriver, this one with hardly any orange juice (maybe fourth? I can't really remember too good) and headed outside. Maybe I can find someone to talk to.

The back of the Beaumont was pretty much a piece of beach fenced off from the street featuring a loud, mixed crowd of people, who were all jumping up and down and grinding to hip hop that was blasting out of a huge subwoofer and a pair of eight foot tall quadraphonic speakers that were placed between a keg stand and two card tables stacked with food. There were a bunch of other smaller groups of people hanging around playing drinking games. A couple of people were getting high or snorting coke.

I was a little disappointed. You think celebrity party and you automatically think big, right? They had so much money, I was expecting fireworks, golden dancers, strip shows. Who knew? But this just looked like a frat party on the beach. Well, the food looked like some sort of pedigreed, catered quiche, but other than that, it was completely normal. Well, good. I didn't feel like partying "celebrity" style anyway. All these fucking celebrities can kiss my ass.

I didn't see anyone I knew, which wasn't such a surprise. I sort of wandered over to the food table and grabbed some crab puffs. Or at least I think that's what they were.

"Austin!" yelled someone from behind me. I didn't even need to turn around to know who it was. Justin.

I was still kind of pissed at Justin, too, for not calling or whatever. Also for getting me in trouble with Josh for deciding to go to the gym. And for making me lie to cover up his stupid foot. And for everything else he did to piss me off. I was definitely not in the mood to talk to him.

He clapped his hand on my back as he joined me at the table, then leaned his crutches against the edge. "What's up buddy? I've been looking for you everywhere." His smile was wide and his white teeth glistened in the blue floodlights.

"Bullshit," I said, already pissed. "You were the one who was supposed to call us and tell us they moved the party."

Justin looked dumbfounded. "What? Who told you that?"

"Josh," I answered.

"Josh said what, that I was supposed to call you and tell you they moved the party? I thought you already knew!? I didn't know I was supposed to tell you," he insisted.

"Whatever," I said. I turned away from him and headed away from the food table, hoping he wouldn't be able to follow me as quickly on his crutches.

"Wait, Austin, seriously. Didn't we all agree that the party was going on after the meeting, and that you guys would meet us after?"

"Yeah, and the party was supposed to be at the hotel. Me, Lisa and Sara went to some business buffet for MTV, then tried to join up with you guys later. You fucking ditched us."

Justin grabbed my arm as I tried to run.

"Austin, I would never ditch you. I seriously thought that you guys already knew what was going on."

"Then why the fuck did you ask Josh for my phone number?" I demanded angrily.

He didn't say anything. His entire expression was completely blank. I shook my head in annoyance and walked off, leaving him in the middle of the dance floor.

Now, more than ever, I wanted to go home. I suddenly missed the team, Tony, school, my old friends. I even missed getting cold looks from Jen during Japanese class. Anything was better than hanging around by myself at a party where I knew noone, getting jilted by my boyfriend and lied to by someone I thought was my friend, and to top it off, seeing a whole bunch of straight couples practically fucking each other everywhere I looked. Lucky mother fuckers, they got to do whatever they fucking wanted, while I had to pretend I was some fucking intern. Fuck that.

A million thoughts were running through my head as I walked back through the tacky little shack and headed out the front door, without a second glance at the couch. First off, I was going to my hotel. Then, I was going to call my dad and see if he could book me a plane ride home as soon as possible. He thought I was somewhere in California, but I would tell him some friends and I decided to drive to Cancun. I had had enough of this little "paradise". If I couldn't get a flight out by tonight, I'd use my credit card to book me another room in another freaking hotel to stay the night so that I wouldn't have to see Josh. I was tired of this little game.

And oh, I just had to stop here!!! Either that, or you'd have at least twenty more pages to read! I'm back boys and girls, and I hope you can stay with me, ok? Please please please, Email me at scottiescot@hotmail.com. I am SO tired of looking at my email and seeing nothing but spam, letters about 'amazing opportunities' from the college, and stupid forwarded jokes and crap people keep sending me. I will respond in kind. Oh, and since I have a shit load already written, which I thought I was going to post with this chapter, you'll only have to wait a week or so to read my next one.