Disclaimer: This story should only be read by adults and those claiming to be adult. This story for all intent and purposes is true, though some events have been changed and others exaggerated. Names and places have been changed, but I hope you enjoy. Please E-mail me at St_Rory@hotmail.com for any comments.
My Second Time Chapter 3 By Rory M.
The following morning I woke entangled within Tim's arms and legs, but was completely comfortable in his embrace. I glanced over his shoulder to see my clock, which read 6:30. 'Fuck getting up,' was my only thought as I laid my head back down on Tim's warm chest.
I woke up sometime later that morning with a wet sensation on the small of my back. I forgot where I was at first and was startled onto the floor next to the bed. When the realization hit me about where I was and WHO I was with coming out of my panicked daze, I felt completely ashamed. Why was I still scared of him? I returned to the bed where I was quickly embraced and kissed. He thought nothing of it I guess rather than me being jumpy. He passed it off with a chuckle and welcomed be back into his arms.
Before nodding off the previous night I had a last fleeting thought that I would have some peace now with Tim. I felt comfort and love, I thought it would burry at least some of my hang-ups that had come from Anthony. Instead it brought things rushing back to haunt me and it saddened me greatly to think of Anthony every time Tim touched me.
Sex from then on didn't pick up as I guess both of us had expected it to. I couldn't do it. Even if I wanted to I couldn't get an erection half the time. Tim thought I should see a doctor, in all good intentions. Looking back now an Urologist wasn't the kind of doctor I needed... saying that it was a reaction to one of my many medications got me out of that line of fire, so to speak. With most of my excuses now I had gotten a sympathetic shy and a hug, but each one was painful. I felt as if I lied to him everyday, which in essence I was, but what he didn't know couldn't hurt him.
The fall semester had started and yet again our time together was a game of scheduling and getaways. It was stressing and very lonely. If I was lucky I could see him 4 times a week, but not for that long during the week. Sex was still an open wound in the relationship, though Tim was clueless to why. After a time he started to dig into my past and what my family was like. I guess just wanting to know me, but that only built his frustrations when he was given one-sentence descriptions. I earned the title King of Vagueness, which hurt me more than anything.
The semester passed in relative peace for me, I had even told Gwen about Tim, with much hesitation, of course. It didn't faze her as usual, and she was pretty much determined to meet him...that would have to wait. Final exams approached, as did Christmas, but more importantly a month off. I had worked myself into the ground and by the end of the first week of exams I was relieved to see Tim. I figured on spending the weekend with him, taking my last exam on Monday, doing all of my shopping Tuesday, and then going home Wednesday. It was a nice plan if I do say so myself.
When I got to Tim's Friday night I hadn't slept for two days and my cold was spreading to my chest. Shit. A chest cold is always ten times worse for an asthmatic, so there I was sniffling on Tim's doorstep with a wheeze and my now familiar med bag. Needless to say, I went to bed early that night. Tim as usual was good to me. I got soup and cuddling. I needed it, my statistics exam hurt, a lot.
By the middle of the night my wheezing and coughing got to my devoted nurse, who now insisted I take my inhalers again. They wouldn't help much, but I let him get them for me to give him some relief. I didn't think about him going into the bag and seeing everything in it, I really should have gotten them myself. The next morning I woke up feeling a little better, but alone in the bed, I guess my coughing kept him awake. I dressed and went out into his apartment, expecting to find him sleeping on the couch.
He was on the couch, but something didn't seem right. There was no smile or comfortable greeting of good morning or the ever annoying, "Hey, cutie," that I was used to. I wearily sat next to him as I gave my good morning and peck on the cheek, but he didn't do anything, he seemed to be lost in thoughts.
"Todd? Something wrong?"
"Ror, why don't you talk to me?" He said as he finally made eye contact with me.
"We talk all the time, what do you mean?" I honestly didn't have a clue.
"You know fully well what I mean. You can talk about anything for volumes but as soon as we talk about you the subject is changed. I also don't understand why you can't talk to me about what bothers you. Every time I ask you what's wrong it's a different excuse. I'm not an idiot here Rory, you need to talk to me."
"What do you want from me?" My voice was shaky; I was slightly panicked.
"I want you to fucking talk to me." His voice was impatient.
"About what? I don't see where the hell this is coming from."
"Ror I ask you about your family and the only one you can elaborate on is your sister or grandmother. I ask you about your past experience and all you have to tell me is that, "you've been tested, don't worry about it." What the fuck, Rory." His voice was loud and pleading, I felt as if I was going to cry.
"I can't." Is all I could get out. I didn't know what to say, I couldn't tell him. What was to tell?
"You can't what? Tell me what's wrong?"
"There's nothing wrong."
"Bullshit Rory!" He startled me. "Do you think I don't know what those pills in your bag are? I know what Zanex and Zoloft are Rory; they aren't for your fucking allergies. Do you think I don't know what that scar on your wrist is? Do you think I don't notice how you cringe when I touch your neck or when I surprise you? Do you think I don't know you cry in my living room in the middle of the night? What the hell is going on Rory, you can tell me."
"You went through my med bag?"
"Rory, don't change the damn subject."
"Oh fuck you. I can't deal with this right now."
"You can never deal with anything, Rory. You always change the damn subject."
I got off the couch with tears streaming down my cheeks and started getting my bag together. I couldn't be put on the spot like this. He came up behind me and engulfed me in his arms, I couldn't do anything except try to pull away, and then cry in defeat.
"What's wrong? What are you so afraid of? Why are you depressed?"
"Why do you want to no so bad?" I said between sobs. I freed myself and started for the door. He cut me off.
"Because I want to help you! I love you, and I know something's wrong."
"I'm not your fucking charity case, Tim!"
"Where do you come off? It's not normal for me to not know ANY FUCKING THING ABOUT YOU. I can't be with you if you can't talk to me. I love you, but I need to know."
"You really want to fucking know, Tim? You want to know why I'm a fuck up? Why I can't look you or anyone else in the eye? You really want to fucking know?" You want to know my last boyfriend held me down and raped me? That he fucking left me beaten for my family to find me? He fucking held me down by the back of the neck and fucked me, Tim. He slapped me around and fucking raped me, is that what you wanted to know? IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANTED TO HEAR?"
I began to sob uncontrollably and slipped to the floor. He looked stunned at first, and then he looked away. I knew he was going to be ashamed, why did he have to do this? He snapped out of his daze and sat on the floor with me and forced me into a hug. I tried to fight it but I could barely breathe, let alone move. I couldn't stop crying and the chest cold wasn't helping. I felt as if I was dying. He must have noticed I couldn't breathe as he tried to calm me, but it didn't work.
"Ror what happened to you wasn't your fault sweetie, he should be in jail for what he's done. Have you told anyone else?" He said calmly as he cradled me. All I could do what shake my head.
"No, I can't." I said between sobs. "Shhh, come on sweetie, breathe for me. Relax. Do you need your inhalers?" I didn't respond; I just kept staring at the floor trying to regain some composure.
"Are you happy now?"
"Rory, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were hurt so bad. I want to help just tell me how, please." He pleaded.
"Just leave me alone." I started to cry harder again.
"Rory let me help. You're hurt so much, you need to talk about it."
"I don't need to talk about anything. It happened a long tome ago, I want to leave it there."
"It's not in the past if you can't let it go."
"Oh, fuck you."
"How old were you?"
"15."
"Why didn't you tell anyone?"
"Because I fucking couldn't, Tim, OK?"
"You can still prosecute, Rory. It's not to late."
"I can't tell anyone, I don't want to."
"Why are you so afraid of telling anyone? You didn't do anything wrong. Your family could have helped you."
"IT'S BAD ENOUGH I'M GAY!!!" Is all I could get out before wrenching my lungs into a breathless sob.
I remember him lifting me into his lap and holding me there for a while. He rocked me back and forth, telling me to relax and that everything was going to be ok. But it wasn't ok. Anything that we had together I had tainted, and now it wasn't going to be the same. I couldn't look him in the eye. He knew now, he knew I had lied to him. He knew that I wasn't going to be able to do the things that he needs. I can't be there for him. I had to get out.
"I've got to go back to the dorms."
"I think you should stay here for a bit. You're sick and we need to talk when you're calm."
"There is nothing to talk about... I'm sorry Tim." My voice started to crack again as I got up to find my jacket.
"Why the hell are you sorry? If anyone I should be. I'm sorry for trapping you, I just didn't understand."
"I'm sorry for lying to you."
"You didn't lie to me."
"I was never a virgin, I couldn't tell you."
"Shhh, that's not important now."
"I've got to go."
"Rory, please!"
I caught the next train back to campus and cried silently to myself the whole trip. 'What had I done? Kept racing through my mind as I though about not having Tim anymore. He wasn't going to be able to look at me the same anymore. Everything had changed. I wished that he hadn't gone through my bag last night, none of this would have happened.
The next few days were a blur to me; I took my last exam and packed up for home. I did some meager shopping, but I wasn't into being creative this year. I went home Wednesday just to be usurped back into my family life of prepping the house for Christmas day. The festivities didn't do much, though. In fact, my health wasn't improving and I spent most of the week sleeping or trying to hide the fact from my mother and grandmother so they wouldn't worry. It was tiring, and I missed Tim. He had emailed me three times, but I didn't open any of them, I was afraid to.
Christmas day was the usual. Look nice, act respectable be ready to go to church by noon. I was tired and struggling to breath by 3pm, and I couldn't hide it any longer. My mother sent me of to my room and said someone would be up to check on me, but no one came. I wasn't surprised. There were more than 20 people downstairs and my mother was playing hostess. I must have dozed off, for when I woke up it was dark and Gwen was in the room holding a mug of tea.
"Hey, I was wondering where you disappeared to." She said with a smile as she handed me the mug.
"Thanks."
"Have you taken your meds?"
"Doubles."
She sighed. "Alright, get some rest. I'll be up a little later to check on you."
She left, I slept. I couldn't breath when she woke me up later. So, as usual off to the emergency room I go. The first time it had been on Christmas, but hey...I've had the holiday much worse. I'll spare those of you reading the gory details of a hospital visit and just say that I was ill, laid out, and there were tubes everywhere. Sound good?
My usual visitors came and my sister stayed with me. I thought about calling Tim, but that wouldn't do much good. I knew he was in upstate New York with family, and it wouldn't help anything. I could barely speak two words at a time as it was. Being idle for days at a time allows things to fester within ones mind. I missed Tim uncontrollably; I wanted him there with me. I wanted to at least hear his voice. The Thursday after Christmas I woke to the usual sensation of a finger prick and a nurse saying relax. What happened next was not expected though. I hadn't bothered to open my eyes so I didn't see anyone at all, I thought just the nurse had been there. I soon felt someone's hand running along my cheek and through my hair. It was a soft touch, but it didn't feel like my sister. As I opened my eyes I could hardly believe it. The nurse left and I soon gave way to tears as Tim leaned in and kissed my on the forehead and took my hand. I never thought I'd be so happy to see him.
"Hey Cutie, how ya feeling?" He said softly as his hand started to rearrange the curls on my forehead, I loved it when he did that.
"How did you know I wa..." He shushed me before I could finish.
"I emailed your sister, she told me everything." I had emailed my sister from his place on a few occasions; I guess it was still stored in his comp.
"I love you Tim, I'm so sorry." I began to weep.
"I love you, too, Ror. Don't be sorry, you didn't do anything wrong."
I made a lousy attempt at hugging him, but he caught me in a returned embrace. It felt so good to be in his arms, I couldn't let go.
"Do you know when you're being released?"
"Tomorrow morning, apparently." I said sullenly.
"Do you think you'll be well enough to stay with me for a few days before classes start?"
"Can't I just go with you now?"
He chuckled, saying "No sweetie, you need to rest at home first, I don't' think your family would be happy with that."
"They don't care" pouting.
"I do, I think you should spend some time with them, and pouting gets you no where." He smiled.
He stayed a bit longer talking about nothing in particular. I'm glad he didn't bring anything up, now wasn't the time. He help me the entire time, as awkward as it was, but I wouldn't let go, and he sensed that I didn't want him to, I needed him now.
I went home the next morning to my 'doting family'. I was pretty much left on the couch for 4 days. New Years came and went and I longed to go to Philly to spend some time with Tim. It's not as if I didn't love my family, but I was an outsider there. Since they found out about my sexuality there has been a heavy cloud of uneasiness around everyone except for Gwen. It isn't as bad as it was at first, but still it hasn't felt like I was part of the family. Monday was New Years day and I decided that I was well enough to take the 25-minute train ride into Philadelphia. The train was very empty and peaceful, which was good because I still didn't feel that well and didn't want to have to deal with talking to a neighbor. Talking is a struggle when your lung span is at half-mast. Tim picked me up from the train and took me back to his apartment without much of a delay.
Walking back in through those doors hit hard. The memory of the last time came running back and the trapped feeling rose up within me again slightly. It didn't last for more than an instant, though. Tim came up to me after putting my bag down and hugged me.
"I love you so much Rory Daniel."
And with that I felt weak and again ready to cry. The last few weeks had been a nightmare and the pressure had taken its toll. The next thing I knew I was being cradled on his couch. My head was pressed into his chest and my legs were over his lap. He said nothing, just rubbed my back and played with my hair the way I had always liked. I felt comfortable and safe, something that I hadn't felt in a long time.
"Why do you love me?"
"What kind of a question is that? I love everything about you."
"I've done nothing to warrant it."
"I don't know why you can't understand that I love you for you and not what you've done to earn it. You're such a silly little man." I giggled at his quirky retort.
"What do you love about me?" I asked not being serious.
"I love.........it when you bitch and moan about a class and then laugh about how you bitch and moan. I love it when you don't gel your hair and the curls fall into your face. I love the way you curl up when you sleep. I love the way you yell at my microwave when you burn something." We both chuckled at that. "I love it when you come here and all you want to do is cuddle and not think about anything else in the world, and I love the fact that you know when you're safe here."
"I'm sorry I led you on."
"I'm sorry you didn't tell me sooner, but apology accepted."
"You do realize how hard it was to say that, don't you?"
"Yes, but I'm glad you told me, I understand much more now."
"What do you mean?"
"I now understand your moods a little better, how you can go from so affectionate to cringing at a sudden touch. I know now why you're a bottom that won't let me fuck him." He chuckled at this and I blushed, but it was true. "And I know why you've got the emotional problems that you do, but I want to help you, Rory. You just have to let me help.
"I don't know what you think you can do, it's not something that we can talk about and 'poof' it's all better with a Band-Aid and a lollipop." I was a bit too defensive.
"Rory, I'm not sure how we're going to do this, but we'll do it."
"Do what? It's in the past Tim, that's where I want to leave it. Why can't you let it go?"
"Because it's not in the past, or at least you're stuck in it."
"You act as if I choose to dwell on it."
"No, but you're still emotionally a scared 15 year old boy."
"Can we change the subject?" I asked as my voice began to waver on the verge of tears.
"That's not a problem, but we're not going to avoid this like you always do, ok?"
"Alright, I'm just tired."
Well, that's it for now. Please email me with questions or comments at St_Rory@hotmail.com. I'm also Rory Danial on AIM. Thanks to all of the people at Nifty for their support, you guys are great.