This is story is dedicated to a singer that I have grown to feel connected to as much as any healthy fan can feel connected to a celebrity without it becomming obsession. Although Joey Fatone from NSync is likey not a homosexual, I would hope that he could read this story and appreciate the fondness I have for his talent, his public persona (which is what I have based this story on) and admittedly, his very good looks.
I actually did quite of lot of research in writing this story, believe it or not. The only detail that I had to fictionalize was that NSync didn't really have much of a break between any of their concert dates on the "No Strings Attached" tour. Although, there was one four day break sometime in early June.
Warning: Minor spoiler ahead:
The first four chapters have no sex in them. Don't let that stop you from trying out my story, though. Sorry if that disappoints anyone, but I find myself more able to suspend disbelief when reading fan faction if there is an opportunity to build up to it. Don't despair at the end of chapter 4, this is what life has handed many of us (even though few have ever had a 24 hour liason with a major star), and as Joey says later, he WILL find Alex.
My Superman by Alex Amato
********** Chapter 1 **********
I never believed it would happen to me. First of all, the odds against it happening are astronomical. I mean there's no real way to figure out the ACTUAL odds, but it's akin to being struck by lightening in a plane that happens to be falling to earth while my winning lottery numbers were being announced on the cockpit radio.
Of course, that's why I treasure the fact that it did happen all the more. I'll never take it for granted.
My name is Alex Amato, I'm 24 years old, Greek and Italian descent, 5'9", 185lbs with a body that I'm damn proud of. My dark, wavy hair is cut short on the sides and back, but it's just long enough on top to style however way I feel makes me look like a TRL guest-star. Soul-patch included, when I feel like it. My green eyes are almost always shaded with wrap-arounds (hey, I like to ogle guys in public as much as the next person-so the shades let me take those lingering stares without being caught).
I'm smart enough, I think. I'm my own boss in a company I started from my home, and can even pass as a business man when I need to. Although I'd rather work in my A & F's. So, all and all, I'm just as cute as you wanna be, thank you very much. I got lucky in the looks department; but my heart breaks just as easily as the rest of you.
Although single now, I've always been a serial-monogamist. Not only for health issues, but also because my upbringing pushed me in that direction. I've lost many a potential boyfriend for refusing his sexual advances during the first month or two until I was sure he was the one I wanted to commit to (and, in turn, was sure he wanted to commit to me). All of my friends are constantly pushing me into sleeping with a guy sooner, "stop being so picky", "quit playing so hard to get", "you'll never land a guy if you make him wait so long". Sigh. Well, that all may be true, my friends, but I have never compromised my standards in the past, and I don't plan on doing it now. I have a reason for waiting; I want the best, and any guy unwilling to wait for it, clearly isn't looking for the best himself.
Then again, that's one man's opinion on this warped world of dating in the gay 90's and fabulous 00's. That doesn't mean I don't spend my weekends alone and lonely, praying, and yes, sometimes crying over my longing for the love of my life. I know he'll come, but waiting for him to get here is the hard part.
I moved out of my parents house four years ago, just after finishing college. About a year after that, my father passed away, leaving my mother with an eleven year old daughter to finish raising on her own. I didn't move too far away from the house I was raised in, and Mom had to work, so it was very convenient for her to call me up and have me help out with Karyn's extra-curricular activities when she wasn't able to. Pick her up from play practice, or dance class, or cheerleading rehearsal, or whatever else her now-fifteen year old head was obsessing on that week. I didn't mind it at all, Karyn's been through a lot in her short life so far, and is making it through with smiles and a positive attitude. She had no problem when I told her I was gay a year ago, and E-mails me pictures of "cute guys" almost daily. Of course most of her ideas of "cute guys" are sometimes a bit younger than my ideas, but some of them aren't so bad. She always wants to know my opinions of each one she sends me. And I'm always more than happy to give them: "What do u think of The Hanson brothers?" Well, at least one of them is shaving by now... "Devin from LFO?" He looks like he has a part time job as a drag queen-look at those plucked eye brows... "Nick from 98 degrees?" He's handsome, all right, but he looks like he got into one too many boxing matches... "AJ from BSB?" Jeez, Karyn he looks like Ming the Merciless... "Ritchie from 5ive?" He looks like Michael J. Fox at 17 years old... "Justin from NSync?" He must have shoved pencil erasers up his nose when he was a kid, cuz look at how wide those nostrils are ! And that brillo pad for a hair style...go BACK to the hairdresser.
You get the idea.
One Sunday night I stopped by the house after dinnertime, Karyn had already gone off to her room to finish up the last of her homework.
"I have a favor to ask you, Honey", she said as he wiped her hands dry on her apron.
"Sure, Mom."
"Well, Karyn has something special she'd really like to do next week. It's next Tuesday and I promised the Stephen's that I would help them with their daughter's wedding dress... I just can't take the time to take Karyn."
"It's ok, Mom, I don't mind dropping her and picking her up. What is it?"
"Well, it's something I'd need you to stay for this time. She won tickets to the NSync concert that sold out months ago-it's all I've been hearing about since yesterday. She's also going to get to meet the band before the concert in something called a `meet and greet', then she has fourth row seats. I don't mind you dropping her off for the meeting, but I don't want her to go to the concert alone, Alex. She's never been to one before."
Immediately my eyes rolled, and I leaned back in mock pain. NSYNC! "Mom, if you're asking me to spend a night with her and a few thousand screaming, giggling teens and pre-teens, at a boy band concert, you're going to have to get me a disguise so that no one will recognize me. What would people say if they saw a 24 year old guy there!"
"Alex. You know I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't important. You know how important something like this is for a teenager. Need I remind you of the Bon Jovi concert you HAD to go to when you were in high school?"
Bon Jovi! I hadn't heard from them in years, just that Jon was in a few movies lately. Boy, Moms really know what buttons to push. "All right, where is it and what time?"
"Thank you, honey," she said, as she came over to kiss me on the forehead, then wiping off her lipstick with one quick motherly swipe of her thumb. "Go tell Karyn she gets to go."
"Ohmigod... Ohmigod...OHMIGOD" was all I heard when I told Karyn I'd be there Tuesday at 2 PM. "Thank you SOOOOOO much, Alex.. Ohmigod, I have to call Renee, Megan, and Steph. I get to bring three friends !"
Mom didn't tell me that part.
I had to make some quick phone calls of my own. Two years ago I recently started a graphics design business with a friend from college and it's been really taking off in the past year, but even with the huge work load we had every day, I still thought I could swing taking off at noon on a Tuesday. I wanted to make sure Jason, my partner in the business, would be able to handle the day alone. He was able to. Next I called a client to see if they could meet a day earlier to look over the logos for the T-shirt tags we had designed for him. He was also able to.
Over the course of the next week on my lunch breaks I decided to take the time to surf a few web sites on the Internet that were about the group I was going to spend a night being subjected to. Typical boy band, just what I've always rebelled against. "We really love the connection with out audience...." whine whine. I even got a chance to listen to some sound bytes of their songs and decided I REALLY wasn't looking forward to Tuesday.
********** Chapter 2 **********
Finally, Tuesday morning arrived, and the phone rang. I reached over the alarm clock that said 6:00 AM, and picked up the receiver.
"H'lo?"
"AlexohmiGODtodayIgettomeetJUSTIN!youhavetomakesureyoudressupreallynicewhenyoucometogetmeandStephandMeganandReneecuzwe'regonnameetNSYNC!andthisisreallyimportantsomakesureyou'renotlateok?ohmiGOD."
"Morning, Karyn."
"Alex, you HAVE to be here early. I want to make sure we get in first."
"It's 6 AM, Kar. I'll be there, don't worry."
"Ok, Alex, just make sure you're not late, and when we get there you have to stand in the back cuz I don't want Justin to think I'm too young to be there alone, and you don't like them anyway."
"Ok, Kar, anything you want, just don't tell anyone I'm going to this concert."
"You're such a dork!"
"Thank you Karen, for that I'll make sure my fly is wide open when we walk in."
"Oh my God, you wouldn't."
"And I'll pull my underwear through the open zipper."
"WhatEVER, Alex." She was quiet for a rare second. "Alex?"
"Yeah?" I said, rubbing my eyes.
"Thanks a million times. Mom couldn't take me, and this is really important. You have no IDEA."
"Well believe me, I have an idea how important it is," I said, thinking of my long forgotten crush on Jon Bon Jovi that my Mom and Dad were never the wiser to. "And you're welcome."
"Ok, Bye Bye Bye." I heard her giggling, as the disconnected the line.
What the heck did that mean?
I figured I may as well get up since the alarm was set for only an hour later. I wasn't much good at falling quickly back to sleep when something wakes me up unexpectedly. Since I had the extra time, I thought I'd fit in a morning workout at the gym.
Six or seven hours later, a little after noon, I had wrapped up a few changes on an ad a local Coffee house wanted to run in "Phoenix" magazine, and I told Jason that I needed to change and get going. Our office is in my house, so I was able to just go into my bedroom down the hallway to change into clothes that wouldn't embarrass Karyn. I decided on jeans and a tight black shirt. Over that I wore a denim long sleeve shirt.
The four girls were playing an NSync CD and jockeying for position in front of the tiny mirror on Karyn's desk, when I walked in Mom yelled up the stairs for them to get going so that we would be sure to get a good parking space.
The arena was just over an hour away and the drive not exactly peaceful. Four giggling girls who would not let me turn off the crooning voices coming out of the speaker make for a loud trip. I heard snippets of conversations along the way that really didn't make a whole lot of sense to me since I didn't know the group we were about to meet in person: "Did you see Justin's new corn rows? It's SO cool", "Justin is WAY crunk", "I can't believe that JC has a girlfriend, I'll bet she treats him bad", "Do you think Chris is too old for the group?" "Joey's ok, but everyone says he's getting fat", "Lance is so sweet, I heard he knew Brittany when they were kids". Justin, JC, Lance, Chris, and Joey were the names I'd heard over and over. Each girl had her special favorite and defended him to no end, but they all fought over "Justin". I remember his picture from the web sites I looked at, and from the picture that Karyn sent me, and I really didn't understand the attraction except that he was the youngest and was closest to the girls in age. To be honest, the only one I thought was worth looking at was the one that wore all the Superman clothing. Good taste, too, seeing as I have been a huge fan of the man of steel for as long as I can remember. But then anyone suddenly becomes sexier when you hear they're Italian!
The volume increased as we pulled onto the off ramp for the arena. I really should have brought ear plugs.
After setting a few ground rules that were met with rolled eyes, and several "Uh, whatever's", we started the hike to where we were supposed to meet the PR guy from the radio station that Karyn won the tickets from. After asking four people for directions, we arrived at the entrance of a large reception area deep within the insides of the massive building. There were about thirty girls there, each chatting like monkeys on caffeine and wearing various t-shirts with faces I assumed were of the band members. After a forty minute wait, the large double doors opened and a woman walked out. She waited for silence and finally spoke.
"Hello ladies and gentlemen-and what few gentlemen there are, I see. In just a few moments we will soon let everyone in to meet the members of NSync..." a collective, ear splitting squeal overtook her announcement for a moment. "First I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge the businesses that made this happen..." she droned on for two more minutes while each girl squirmed like Mexican jumping beans and finally she turned and opened the doors. There was an eerie hush as they all filed through in groups of two or three. Many of them clutching a friend's arm, still more with tears already streaming down their cheeks. I walked in last with the other parents and escorts and dutifully chose a place to stand near the back of the large room. Conveniently near the beverage table. At least I could help myself to a few refreshments before they were wiped out.
The meet and greet was scheduled for longer than I expected. It was also a lot less formal than you might think. I really pictured it to be similar to a press conference or something like that, with rows of seats the girls had to stay in, but the band mates were milling around the fans like they were at a cocktail party. At first the PR people would bring groups of girls (name tags in hand) over to each guy, but when everyone got a chance to be introduced, it was a pretty civil free-for-all. I noticed that Justin certainly received the most attention. He was rarely standing without a ring of a dozen teenagers surrounding him. The one a parent told me was JC also had his hands full. Chris and Lance (which one was which, I wasn't a hundred percent sure) occasionally had a moment to breath but it seemed another girl was over to them in a second. I casually noticed that the tallest one (I was pretty sure his name was Joey) was the only one who didn't have a "groupie" hounding him about favorite colors, favorite foods, or most embarrassing moments for very long periods of time.
After forty minutes of following the wave of excitement, I was pretty much bored out of my skull. There were too many conversations going on to understand any of them from where I was at the back, so I found a seat along a row of empty chairs near the corner of the room behind a large support beam and sat down to enjoy a coke. A short time later I had to look up to see what created a shadow over my place in the corner.
Surprisingly, it was one of the band members... the one I thought was named Joey. He stood tall over me, and I stood up quickly, "Oh, sorry, is this the wrong place to sit?" I asked.
"No, not at all," Joey chuckled. "I just saw you over here behind the column and thought I'd take a break myself. I'm thirsty and totally hungry."
"I don't think there's any food here. At least I didn't see any. Plenty of coke though."
"Got one. Can I sit back here with you? It's kinda loud out there."
I smirked and said, "Sure, if you can find a seat," gesturing to the row of twenty chairs.
"Ah, a joker. So what brings you here to the meet-n-greet? Are you one of the girls' Dads?"
I chuckled at that one, "No, not quite. My sister and her friends won the passes and tickets to your show. I'm the taxi for today."
"Are you going to the concert, too?"
"Sure am," I said, not with a very large smile.
"Don't look so thrilled about it," Joey kidded.
"Sorry, but until this week, I've never heard the group's music."
Joey set his coke down on the chair, and grasped his chest with both hands, faking a heart attack, "Ouch, that hurt! Someone just kill me now."
I half grinned at his act, and watched him pretend to "die" across three chairs, his legs flailing out, knocking into mine. When he closed his eyes and let his tongue hang out, I was able to steal a fleeting glimpse of his face until he opened his eyes again. Jeez, where the heck are the sunglasses when you need them, he certainly warrants a longer look I was right about this one being the best looking. Why didn't Karyn ever send me HIS picture?
Then, just like someone used the remote to change the channel, Joey sat back up and grabbed his coke. He scooted back to the seat next to mine, sat with his legs spread and leaned forward to rest an elbow on his knee with his chin sitting in his palm. He scratched his goateed chin, and a pout came across his face, his lower lip pushed out, "Jeez, that's not something I'm used to, running into someone at a meet-n-greet who doesn't even like NSync."
I shrugged my shoulders with a meek smile. "Sorry. My sister sure loves you guys though."
"Aww, I'm just kidding you, anyway. Can't expect to win EVERYONE over. Say, what's your name, by the way? I never got it from you."
"I'm Alex, nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you, do you at least know which one I am?"
I gave him a shy grin, "Umm, I think you're Joey. They call you `Superman', right? It's amazing how much you learn about a band when you're trapped in a moving car for an hour with fans from hell." (Not to mention surfing fan sites for a couple of hours in the week, but I wasn't about to tell HIM that.)
"I think my `Superman' cap gave you your biggest hint."
"Can't get anything past you, can I?"
"Nope, but that's why they call me `Superman' !" he laughed, shooting his arms out in front of him like Superman would. "MAN, I'm really hungry. Where do u think they hide the food around here?" he said rubbing his tummy and looking around.
"I don't know. I never saw any, and I don't think the venders in the arena are open yet."
"I gotta get something to eat," he said, standing up and finishing up the last half of his coke in one long swallow. Scratching his cheek, he looked over at me, "Are you hungry, Alex?"
"I guess I'm pretty hungry, yeah. I was so worried about getting here as early as possible for the girls that I forgot to grab something."
Joey looked back and forth as if he were in hiding and avoiding watchful eyes. In a conspiratorial tone he put his arm around my shoulders, leaned into me and whispered, "Look, you wait here, and secure the area. I'll be back in five minutes with reinforcements."
I rolled at eyes at his goofiness when he disappeared around the column, and sat back down in my chair, finishing my own drink. About fifteen minutes later when he hadn't come back yet, I figured he got grabbed up by some squealing fan and couldn't get away, but his face suddenly appeared from a single door I hadn't noticed further into the corner. "Psst, Alex, over here."
I looked over in surprise, raised my finger for him to wait one second, then glanced over in the distance to where the girls were gathered around Justin all hanging on to every word he uttered. They looked fine. So I made my escape into the concrete stairwell where Joey was waiting for me.
"You have a car, right?" he asked.
I looked at him incredulously, "Yeah, sure."
"C'mon then, let's go get some FOOD."
As we rushed through the corridors and stairwells Joey would pause for a split second before turning every corner, just in case there was a fan or someone who might recognize him. When we found our way to the doors that let to the parking lot, Joey said, "You're gonna have to go out to get your car, then meet me around the back where the dumpsters are," he pointed to an area about fifty feet away.
"Glamorous life, eh Mr. Kent?"
Joey wrinkled his nose and pushed on my shoulders to hurry me up and minutes later I pulled up to the dumpster. Joey hopped into the passenger side, and rolled up the windows. "That wasn't too bad, it usually takes an hour to sneak out. I think I have the new record."
"What're you talking about?" I asked.
"Chris, Lance and I have an ongoing contest to see who can get away from a meet-n-greet the fastest. We're on an honor system since only one of us gets to go at any time. Justin and JC don't get to play though: they never get away from the fans."
"Geez, original games you guys get to play."
"Well, we've only been able to do it a few times each. And lately since the new album came out, it gets even harder. Usually only on week day concerts, NEVER on the weekends."
"Amazing."
"So where u wanna eat? I'm thinking ITALIAN. YEAH !!!"
We found a very small Italian pizzeria about three miles from the arena. Joey asked me if I wouldn't mind going in first to see if it was empty. There was only one older couple sitting in the dining area.
Inside we waited for our large cheese and pepperoni to arrive and that's when the fact that I was playing AWOL with a member of the world's most popular boy bands suddenly hit me. Joey was sucking on his straw and working the maze on the back of the place mat with a purple crayon while I sat back in my seat and really took a long look at him. I always wondered how I would react if I had the opportunity to run into a celebrity the way I ran into Joey. I sometimes think I would be shaking and stammering with fear, and other times think I would just play it cool as ice and pretend as if I didn't even know the person was famous. I think that because I wasn't a fan of the group I was able to act as if he were just a regular guy who needed a lift to a restaurant. I was obviously staring at him lost in thought because he looked at me, tilted his head and said, "Something wrong, Alex?"
I blinked in surprise at myself and answered, "No, nothing. Sorry, I guess it just hit me how surreal it is to be here with you. Last week when my mother asked me to take Karyn to the concert, I never imagined I'd be sneaking out and having pizza with a member of one of the most popular boy bands in the world."
"Well, don't let it go to your head, Alex, I'm just a guy."
"Oh, I know that. It's just kind of unreal. I mean, you're incredibly famous!"
"Well, to be honest, I'M not incredibly famous... it's Justin and JC that are so popular."
"What?!? Are you kidding me?"
"I'm no dummy, I know I'm not the most popular one in the group. But I was lucky enough to be a part of the group, and even though I know it won't last forever, I plan to ride it out as long as it lasts."
"That's a pretty grounded attitude."
" 'Sides, if I can't sing and dance, there's always the professional escort circuit."
"Joey Baloney, male gigolo."
"I like that...'Joey Baloney'. I'll have to sign that on a few c.d. covers next meet-n-greet!"
"Hey, as long as I get credit for it."
"Joey Baloney, the Phat-one. Gets better each time I hear it."
The pizza showed up soon after that and Joey dug in without hesitation
Soon after that nothing was left but a pizza pie pan and a spatula and Joey let out a loud burp that he immediately lowered his head in mock embarrassment for. The burp was gross, but the expression was enough to melt my heart. Jeez, who knew that all a guy had to do was belch and fart to win me over! What, am I crazy? In one hour, I'm falling for a straight guy ? And a music star, no less!
"Sorry..."
I laughed, and tossed a dozen napkins at him.
"You know, I could tell that you were reallllly uncomfortable back at the arena with all those kids running around."
"It showed THAT much?"
"Yeah. Why didn't Karyn's Mom or Dad take her?"
"Well, my Dad died a few years ago. My Mom's had to raise Karyn alone, but since I live near them she sometimes asks me to drive Karyn around. Karyn won the concert tickets a week ago and Mom wasn't able to rearrange her work schedule with such short notice, so since I can I was the lucky guy."
"Why didn't you have your girlfriend take her?"
Hold that thought... Hit the rewind button.
There it was. The big "GF" question. Ever since I came out to my friends and finally to my parents a couple of years ago just after I turned twenty one, I made a pact with myself that if I was ever asked the "GF" question that I would politely, but proudly and unashamedly correct them by saying that a girlfriend doesn't exist for me because I'm currently in the market for a boyfriend. Once when I made the mistake of assuming a new female friend was straight by asking about her boyfriend, she very casually told me she had been married to Suzanne for over five years. Ever since then it occurred to me that there weren't enough straight people exposed to regular gay people. It was my mini-mission in life to educate the masses.
However, this was actually the first time anyone's actually brought up the subject with me. And it was Joey Fatone from NSync. It may as well have been President Clinton.
Go ahead. Hit play again.
I took a deep breath trying to look casual. "Well, there is no girlfriend, Joey, but if I had a boyfriend, you can bet I would have put him up to it if I had any chance of getting away with it."
There was a predictable silence for a moment while Joey's head processed what I just told him. His eyebrows lowered a bit and he looked away. Great, now I'm in for a silent trip back to the arena, it looked like maybe the pact I made with myself was about to turn around and bite me on the ass.
But Joey surprised me. After another half minute of silence he stood up grabbed the check, paid it and came back to the table. He pulled the little round table out so that I could get out of my seat and we walked out to the Jeep Cherokee. When we stepped out of the diner, while he walked next to me, Joey placed his left arm on my right shoulder, "You know, Alex, I have a gay cousin. He was my best friend when we were in high school. The funny thing is that I was never any good at sports and Jackie was always the first one chosen for the team."
"Where does he live now?" I asked by way of making conversation. I wasn't sure why he was telling me this, other than the old `I-once-worked-with-a-guy-who-was-gay-so-I'm- open-minded' ploy.
"You know, I'm not sure now, I'd have to ask Ma. But every now and then I think about him. I miss him sometimes and wonder if he's happy."
We climbed into the jeep in silence and started off in the direction of the arena.
After another mile or two of silence, Joey spoke again, "Can I ask you a personal question, Alex?"
I glanced at him from the corner of my eyes. "Sure. Go ahead."
"Are you happy being gay?"
"Happy? That's a good question. But yeah, now that I've accepted it, and I know my Mom and sister accept it, I'm very happy."
"You don't have a problem with people knowing?"
"NO! Not at all. I want people to know. Gay people are normal and have lives just like any other person. We hold hands, play footsie, pick out furniture, plan our lives, adopt kids and grow old together just like everyone else. And that's no soap box lecture. I look forward to meeting the guy that I can do all of that with."
Joey was silent for another minute. Then abruptly changed the subject, "Hey, did you see my new tattoo?" He reached down for the leg of his pants and pulled it up. I could see a Superman insignia with fire all around it.
"I should have known; Superman. Bet you can't guess where my tattoo is?" Joey rolled his eyes in mocking as he implied it must be somewhere VERY private. "It's on my back, doofus." When we pulled to a stop at the parking lot of the arena, I leaned forward and pulled my shirt up exposing the small of my back. That's where he could see my own tattoo of, guess what? A Superman insignia, about four inches across and three inches up and down.
"YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" he yelled, whacking me playfully on the shoulder. "You never told me you liked Superman, too."
"There's a LOT you don't know about me, buddy."
Within a matter of minutes we were at a back entrance to the reception area that all the girls were still chatting away in. We were only gone for an hour, so I doubted Karyn and her friends really even noticed I was missing. Just before we walked back into the room, though, Joey reached down, grabbed my wrist and raised my hand to slip into his own. The sudden touch surprised me and it sent an electric shock through my arm. He firmly shook hand with me and lowered his voice as he leaned forward, "Before I go, Alex, can I ask one more thing?"
"Sure."
"You know we're performing here in Phoenix for two nights, right?"
"No, sorry, I didn't know."
"Oh. Well, that's ok, but do you have anything planned for tomorrow night after around 11 or 12?"
"You mean other than hitting the sack? No."
"Can you come back here? The guys are gonna want to crash after the show, and I know I'm gonna be wired. I feel like a break from playing movies and video games."
"You want me to pick you up after the concert?" I asked incredulously.
"Yeah!"
"Aren't you guys moving on to the next city?"
"No, we're staying here for the night. We're not leaving until late Friday night. It's actually our first full day off since the tour started. Something about a venue change because our Saturday night show had to be rescheduled."
I thought about it for a second. First of all, the guy was gorgeous. He was also undoubtedly straight, which made it very confusing for me to try to figure out why he wanted me to come back after the concert. Next, I had to think about the hour long drive back into town, and another hour home at the end of the night. Then finally I had to consider the fact that I still had to go back to work on Thursday morning.
"Please, Alex? I know we just met, and you don't know me from Adam or Eve, but I really enjoyed talking to you."
That did it. When a handsome pop star (Italian, too!) begs you to see him again, straight or not, you don't say NO. "You realize how late it'll be after your show ?" I asked.
"It's fine! I'll be up. I'll keep an eye out for you," he gave me the address for where the tour buses would be that evening.
The concert was loud, the opening groups were Sisqo, with his ever-annoying "Thong Song", and some colorful female singer named "Pink", all in all the performance wasn't too bad. It was certainly a large show, with the massive moving set, video screens, and the wires for sending them airborne. I have no idea how all five guys kept their energy up for so long after singing, dancing so hard, flipping each other in somersaults, and flying around on those wires for two hours. The girls, however, were just as chatty at the end of the night as they were at the beginning, and the trip home was still more music from the NSync CD. I didn't tell Karyn or the girls about my lunch trip with Joey.
End of Chapter 2
Ready for some romance? Finally, the story can qualify as "slash"
********** Chapter 3 **********
I laid in my bed fully dressed on Wednesday night until 9:30 PM. The plan was to grab a cat nap after work so that I wouldn't look like hell the next morning, but it didn't work, I couldn't sleep. I took some more time to research fan sites online in the last several hours, and concentrated my search on just Joey's fan sites. There were more than thirty or forty sites dedicated to him. I think I learned more about Joseph Anthony Fatone, Jr, than I've known about practically anyone that I'd only known on a casual level. It was even more surreal an experience than the pizza lunch at "Sammy's" yesterday.
Part of the problem was that he was so damned handsome. I have always been admittedly boy crazy even though I try to hide it from my friends, but Joey re-defined the term for me in just a couple of hours of web surfing. All through the last couple of days all I could think about was how MUCH personality he seemed to have. Now that I lay here thinking about it, I can't think of an entire hour that had passed in which I wasn't thinking of his crazy smile, or how he elbowed me to conspire to sneak out of the arena, or how he didn't seem fazed when I came out to him at the restaurant. Physically, except for a handful of photos of him in the early years of the group, the guy was damn near irresistible. His gorgeous mischievous eyes had me staring at my monitor for several minutes sometimes. He seemed to have a perpetual smile in every picture and it fit him perfectly. I was always a sucker for a goatee on the right guy, and his trimmed beard and goatee fit into the "look" or "type" that I tended to fall for. He was also the kind of guy that can wear a hoop earring in each ear and not have it make him look feminine. Then there was that mouth on him. Above all, a guy with a kissable pair of lips made me weak with desire, and I was glad I was sitting down while surfing the net. I might make a handsome guy wait for sex, but kissing was a passion of mine.
Interestingly, it was the gossip and rumors about him that somewhat disturbed me. It was true, he really wasn't the most popular guy in the band. Even thought I was looking at web sites dedicated to him alone, I still found that he had a reputation for being the flirt in the group, almost to excess. A few fans claimed that he was out every night with a different girl, that his favorite actresses were Demi Moore and Sandra Bullock, and that his fantasy involved a pool full of Jello. "You have the pool, I have the jello", someone quoted him to say. Another claimed he was a major player, and liked to go clubbing as often as possible. Not the kind of guy I would exactly consider husband material.
What was I THINKING?!? The guy is STRAIGHT !!! I wasn't so sure I was looking forward to this evening after all.
I pulled up to the unmarked tour bus at the address that was on the paper Joey gave me. I half expected to be stood up, when good to his word, a curtain popped open, closed quickly, and a second later Joey came bounding out of the side door. He was wearing denim overalls, an orange T-shirt with a Superman logo and had a pair of glasses and a ball cap in his hands. I noticed his hair had streaks of bright fire-engine red running through his natural dark brown. It was a mass of curly, but spiked up locks. That smile of his lit up his face as he ran to the jeep.
"We had TONS of fans following us out after the show. We had to circle part of the city for an hour to be sure we lost them all! I was really afraid you'd get here before I did and leave."
"I would have waited five minutes for you."
"FIVE minutes!," he laughed. "You're a prince!"
"Hey, my time is valuable Mr. Famous-boy-band-singer. Besides," I said with an evil grin, "I don't stand for anyone being late on a first date."
My comment came off-the-cuff, I figured since he knew I was gay, and still wanted to get together after his show tonight, and since he had such a reputation for being a huge flirt, that he would laugh at me.
Instead, Joey raised his right eyebrow and said, "Well, then I'm glad I still have a chance."
I almost stomped on the brakes right then and there. I know my heart skipped a beat or two, and I'm pretty sure my vision blurred for a second. The only physical evidence of my surprise that I let Joey see however, was an arched eyebrow, matching his. I can play it cool, too.
We were silent for the next two or three minutes, until Joey reached over to turn the radio on. Using the music as an ice breaker for that unexpected exchange, I spoke up again. "Can I ask you a question?"
Flipping the volume back down a little bit, Joey tilted his head over, "Sure, Alex."
"Why are we out tonight? I mean, this is unreal to me. I don't think I've EVER met a someone and an hour later agreed to drive an hour away at midnight. Famous or otherwise."
Joey sat back in the bucket seat and leaned his head against the head rest. "To be honest, I think it's pretty crazy, too. I've never gone out after a show with anyone other than a roadie, someone running our concert backstage, or one of the guys in the band. I just liked you, I guess. It was a spur of the moment thing."
I thought about his answer for a minute. Then decided to accept it at face value, for whatever it was worth. I shrugged and asked, "All right, then... so whadaya wanna do? I know you like clubbing, but I don't really know of any clubs that you would enjoy, the ones I go to are for guys only. It would be pretty hard for you hook up with a girl, if that's what you wanted."
"Why do u think I'm looking for that? And how do you know I like to go clubbing?"
I must have turned two shades of red, because just then Joey reached over and switched the music off all the way.
Joey said, "When I met you at the meet-n-greet, I got the impression you were just a really nice guy, around the same age as me, and someone I could hang out with for the time that I'm here. Don't get me wrong, I love the guys in the band; Lance, JC, Chris, and Justin, but I see a LOT of them. I never get a chance to meet any normal, everyday people to just talk to." He looked away for a minute and in the darkness I couldn't make out his face. Then he asked me again, "How did you know I liked to go clubbing?"
I swallowed a frog in my throat before answering, "From the Internet sites I looked up about you..."
"...And most of them say I sleep with a different girl every night, or that I've had more than one girlfriend at a time, and even that I have every S.T.D. known to man. Did you find the ones that really make me out to be a sleaze? That I'm only in it for the girls?"
He hit the nail right on the head. I nodded.
"Go into the chat rooms, Alex, I can't tell you how many girls have gone in there announcing to the whole room that I slept with them after the concert in whatever city we were in that week. Our tour schedule is posted all over the Internet, it's not too hard to convince gullible teenagers of pretty much anything. Or gullible people."
"I'm really sorry, Joey."
"I just wanted someone to talk to. Someone who wasn't famous, someone who wasn't there because they are `reallllly in love with me', someone friendly and not asking me to hook them up with an agent or to hear a demo tape, or someone who wouldn't ask me what kind of underwear I wear."
"I got it. I'm really sorry I did that."
Suddenly Joey changed gears again. He seemed to do that often. "This in the desert, isn't it?" he asked.
"Yeah. Actually, a valley with mountains all around the outskirts of the city. But yeah, it's a desert. Why?"
"Isn't there some place we can go to just sit and talk and look at the stars? Is there a park or someplace out in the desert we can go?"
I nodded, "Yeah, sure. I know where we can go." I was thinking of a place where hikers could climb the mountain and explore the Arizona geography. It was a place I've gone to many times for exercise as well as to find a place a bit secluded when I felt like getting away from the city. It was only forty minutes away from where we were. Meanwhile, Joey turned the radio back on and found a station playing Motown classics that he sat and sang along to while we drove.
In no time we had the jeep parked and hiked a short distance to an area where we could see a great view of the city lights as well as an expansive view of the stars overhead. The moon was nearly full and lit the side of the mountain almost bright enough to read a book. I had an old blanket in the trunk that make sitting on the rocks a bit more comfortable. It was almost two in the morning.
"So it seems you know a lot about me, Alex," Joey commented.
"Obviously not. My sources haven't been reliable."
Joey elbowed me in the side and laughed, "It's ok. I've seen and heard it ALL. As long as I know the truth, then none of it can hurt me."
"Good attitude."
"But I don't know anything about you. What gets you going?"
"What do you mean by THAT? `gets me going'?"
"I know that you don't like boy bands, but I know you do like Italian food, and you're there for your family. Two out of three is pretty good in my book. But tell me more about you."
"Tell me what you want to know."
"Jeez, I dunno. Are you seeing anyone special, or running around single?"
"I'm single as can be."
"What?!? You?!?"
"Why do you say that?"
"Look at you, Alex, you could be a model. You could replace any one of the Backstreet Boys and really put up some real competition for NSync."
"Yeah, right. Gimmie a break."
"I'm serious. Tell me... You have, uh, you know... at least kissed a guy before, right?"
I looked at him with a sarcastic glance, "Of course I have. I'm single, not inexperienced. I've had several boyfriends in my time, and one long term. What about you...?" I turned the line of questioning onto him. "You ever kissed a guy before?"
"Not yet," he answered.
This time I wasn't going to let it go. I sat forward and looked at him. "What's THAT supposed to mean."
"Nothin'," he said.
"Ohhhhhh, no wayyyy. You're not gonna get off that easily. `Not yet'? You've got something to tell me, boy."
"Well, it's nothing, really. I mean one time I got a letter from a guy. It really got me thinking."
"About what?"
"About myself. And what I really wanted out of life. And then I met you."
"And what did meeting me have to do with anything?"
"Well, I had already been thinking about my.... feelings, for a long time... And when you told me you were gay like that, just out of the blue, and you're so... well, normal, it just made me understand something."
"And what was that?" I asked.
"Well, after so long, I guess I just suddenly realized... that I like guys, too."
He finally said it. And there hung a surprisingly comfortable silence between us. To be honest my gaydar was sounding long ago, but I was certain that I was mistaken about it. This guy had too perfect a life to want to come out to me. He has it ALL right now, and to think that he would risk everything to tell me he was gay was unbelievable to me.
Finally he was the one that broke our silence. In his low baritone voice, with a slight Brooklyn accent, he said, "So can I ask you a question?"
I looked over at him, "Sure, anything," I said.
"Well, I know I've only known you for a couple of hours, but I have honestly not been able to get you out of my mind since the other night when we went out." He paused and looked like he was struggling with his next thought. He could barely make eye contact with me. "The guys noticed that I was distracted last night at the show, I missed a couple of dance steps and missed the cue for a solo which I don't even get very often."
I sat back and let him ramble on while he figured out how to collect his thoughts enough to say what he wanted to ask.
"Anyway, I feel like a dummy cuz I've never asked anyone something like this before, and you're the first guy I've ever thought about so much before."
"You haven't asked me anything yet, Joey."
He sighed, and tilted his head in way that caused my heart to jump, "I know. I know. I just feel like a dummy. I don't want you to think that I'm some hot shot pop star from MTV just taking advantage of the fact that I'm a celebrity..." he trailed off.
"I didn't know who you were until two days ago. It's not like it's Ben Affleck asking me to kiss him."
"That's true. I didn't think of it that way." His frowned for a second, then, "how did you know I was going to ask you to kiss me?"
I fought back the smile that was under my serious look. "I've been here before, Joey, trust me."
"I think my heart is beating hard enough to explode."
"To tell you the truth, Joey, I think mine is too." I reached out and took Joey's hand in mine. Time seemed to slow down at that precise moment. We both carefully scooted closer to each other so that our knees and lower thighs were resting against one another. Both my hands absently stroked Joey's right hand. Rubbing along the hairs on his wrist, and stroking each finger. Joey's eyes closed partially as my fingers caressed his. He was glancing down at them and I could tell he was just as enamored with that small touch just as he would be if it were his first orgasm. He whispered to me that he felt like he was at his first school dance when Carol Shively grabbed his hand and pulled him behind the bleachers. He said that when Carol pushed her mouth against his, it was exciting, but this felt a thousand times more intense than that first kiss in sixth grade, or any he's had since. I told him it was the anticipation that was making our heart jump.
I lowered his hand to rest on my knee and maneuvered my left arm to slip around his waist. I scooted even closer and my right arm slipped around the other side of his waist a little higher. Slowly, so slowly it was almost imperceptible, I leaned toward him tiling my head to the right. He did the same and as we got within inches of our lips touching, I could hear him breathing in to hold his breath. I could smell his cologne and his hair gel.
It was like a bolt of lightening shot through our bodies when out mouths connected. My lips were barely parted a fraction of an inch when they touched and pressed into his. The kiss was soft, slow and perfect. Our mouths fit exactly right and he responded with tiny flicks of the tip of his tongue against my lower lip, and even smaller lip-bites. If I had the mind to time it, our first kiss would have clocked in at a fantastic four minutes long, but when we parted with a soft, moist smacking sound, it felt like twenty four hours.
Joey and I stared into each other's eyes for another minute and then Joey leaned his head forward so that our foreheads rested together. I wondered if he noticed how hard it was for me to catch my breath. I felt like another minute of that and my heart really would stop.
After what felt like an eternity of the both of us sitting under the stars on the side of the mountain, clutching each other, Joey was the first person to speak, "I don't know if I can take another one of those."
I looked up into his smiley brown eyes and said, "What's wrong? Didn't like it?"
"Are you kidding me? I thought my lungs were on fire. I surprised I'm even able to speak right now. I'll never forget this feeling. Not until the day I die."
I leaned forward again turned my face a fraction of an inch and kissed him on the cheek, at the same time I used my arms to give him a big squeeze. "I won't forget it, either."
Suddenly, he pulled back half a foot and looked at me with something like fear in his eyes. "Damn, Alex. Are you sure you don't think I'm usuing you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I flirt with so many girls at the concerts that now I have a reputation that I am using my fame to `get' the girl. You don't think that, do you?"
I grabbed Joey by the chin with my thumb and forefinger and pulled him closer. Stroking my finger along his trimmed goatee, I leaned forward and said, "There is no way I think that. I'm here because I want to be here. To be honest, I have been holding onto this fantasy of what it would be like to kiss you for the last two days knowing for sure it would never happen. Believe me!"
"But I don't know when I can see you again."
"I realize that. If we can both manage it and you want to see each other again in the future, we'll figure something out. But if it doesn't happen again, you'll have this kiss to remember forever, right?"
"You're crazy if you think I'm only going to kiss you once tonight. And just so you know... I WILL find a way to see you again."
My heart leapt into my throat for the hundredth time that night. What an incredible thing to hear him say to me. I knew it was unlikely we would see each other again, but all of a sudden I found myself smitten with a celebrity. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against his chest. The rest of the evening was spent in a blur of hour long kisses; soft, hard, dry, wet, some deep, some barely touching, some were nibbles, some licks, and all of them were breathtaking. In six years of dating and kissing men, I've never felt this connected just by a kiss. Each one he gave me felt like he wanted to touch my soul. Often we had to stop just to calm the beating of our hearts and fill our lungs with the air they didn't seem to be taking in. The whole time we spent on the side of that mountain was in a permanent lip lock, but I also had in the back of my head the fear of having to wrestle with my morals if Joey wanted MORE than just to make out with me. I was afraid I would agree to anything this time.
********** Chapter 4 **********
We finally remembered to check our watches around the time the sun was rising. Rubbing my raw lips I gawked at Joey's wrist watch realizing I had to meet Jason at the home office in two hours. In another act of irresponsibility, I had not brought my cell phone so I couldn't call. At least he had a key.
"We'd better get going, Joey. Isn't everyone going to wonder where you are?"
"Well, I doubt it. They all know I like to go out late sometimes, and I'm sure they're all still sleeping so they wouldn't miss me yet."
"I have an hour's drive home, though."
In a voice that was almost sad, Joey agreed. "Yeah, I know."
Damn, there was a new facial expression; another one to melt my heart. I reached out to take his hand so we could stand up together, gave him a big hug, another kiss and started to lead him down the mountain. Just as I took the first step, Joey pulled on my arm, putting me back into his tight embrace. At his height, he stood almost four inches taller than me, I had to turn my head up to look into his eyes. "Can I say something before we go?"
The way he was looking into my eyes made me just about speechless. He was like a cobra hypnotizing a sparrow. I nodded my head without looking away.
"I will find a way to see you again. I'm not sure how long you'll have to wait, where I'll be when I have the time, or even if you will wait, but I will find you. You've changed my life, Alex. More than you'll ever know."
With that, he leaned down so slowly it was like a VCR on slow motion, and he kissed me again softly but so sweetly that I knew right then I had fallen in love with him.
We climbed down the mountain together in silence, by the light of the morning sun. In the jeep, while I drove, Joey held my right hand tightly in both of his. He leaned his back in the bucket seat with his eyes closed, but I could tell he had not fallen asleep.
We arrived at the tour busses just around 6 am. "Do you have time to come inside the bus, Alex?" Joey asked.
"Sure, I think so."
The bus was nicer inside than I pictured. I could see the cubby holes where each member could sleep while on the road. He showed me the kitchen area, the area they all hung out in to play video games or read or just talk. The bus was as nice as a luxury apartment, on a smaller scale. "I guess we should say goodbye for now," Joey said as he took both my hands in his and stood facing me.
"I don't know how I'm gonna get through the day without thinking about you," I said, a little nervous for Joey that one of the guys would stick his head out and catch Joey holding my hands. Then he pulled me close again and held me in another strong bear hug.
"I could kiss you for another three and a half hours."
I ducked my head from his kiss and darted my eyes around. "Joey, aren't you worried the guys are going to wake up and catch us? I don't want you outed because of me, not before you're ready."
He laughed, "They're not on the bus, silly. We stay in hotels overnight. Did you think they were sleeping here?"
I laughed at my own ignorance, "Yeah, I guess I did."
"No... They're staying a couple of miles from here. I have a room there, too. Don't worry, I won't get caught." He cocked his head to the side, and squinted an eye. "It's really sweet that you care about anyone finding out about me. About us."
"Well, all of my friends and family know about me, but I can't imagine what it would be like if a star like you were found out. I'm all for famous people coming out, but I really believe you should do it when you feel ready."
"Even if it meant I wanted to hide it until the group was no longer popular?"
I took a deep breath. This is a subject that I'd had many conversations about with several friends, gay and straight. Gay celebrities coming out or being outed at the height of their popularity. "We all have to make a living, Joey. This is what you do. Considering the fact that you sing to thousands of teenagers girls, making them scream for you every night, and your reputation as a ladies man, I would think you would stand to lose a lot more than just a few posters on your fans' bedroom walls."
"You're right. I have a lot of thinking to do. I don't know if I'm ready to hurt the success of the group, either. We all put a lot of work to get where we are now. Thanks for understanding. I guess I picked the right guy to `come out' to first."
"A lot of guys have a lot of different opinions. But every situation is different."
"I'm gonna miss you, Alex. Can I see you tonight?"
"That's right, you're not leaving until tomorrow morning!"
"Yeah, did you forget?"
"Completely." I closed my eyes to think. The concept of time was so screwed up in my head at the moment that I really thought they were pulling out THIS morning. We could have another day together. I closed my eyes and tipped my head back with a mental slap on the forehead. The business. And Jason. In another snap decision, I looked back up at Joey, "Is there a phone on the bus?"
"There should be a cell phone up in the cab." He led me up to the door that looked like the entry to an airplane cockpit. The cab looked like the captain's seat as well. There was a phone installed in the dash. The time on it said 6:20, so I knew Jason would be awake at home, just getting ready for work. I dialed the number.
"Jason? This is Alex. Yeah, good morning. Sorry to call you so early, but I have the biggest favor to ask you today." I braced myself for the groan. "Yeah, would you mind covering for me? You can stay home and work from there, just let the answering service page calls to you. I'll give you anything you ask for when I get back. No, I won't give you that. That either. Jason, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't that important. Thanks Jason, you're a sweetheart. Give Tom a big hug for me. Bye." I hung up the phone and turned to smile at Joey. "You're stuck with me, Joey Baloney. All day with no strings attached."
"Is that supposed to be a joke? `no strings attached'?"
"No," I said, frowning. Why?"
"Nevermind, you gorgeous hunk," he said, laughing, "it doesn't matter. Any time at all with you right now is a gift from God, and I'll take every second he gives me." He pulled me into another chest crunching hug.
Joey took a second to call the tour manager to let her know he was alive and well, and would be checking in every four hours to ease her mind. Then he called Lance and asked him to let the guys know he was fine. He carried on a brief conversation with him and I could see Joey seemed to be close to his band mate. It was interesting to see first hand that he was actually friendly with Lance and the other guys when you hear so often about groups having so many internal problems that they could barely keep up appearances. After another minute or two he hung up the phone.
He said, "I told them I ran into a friend who used to work at Universal Studios the same time I did, and that I would spending the day with her family."
"Her?"
"Well, you know..." he trailed off.
"I'm just pulling your leg! Boy, you can dish it out, but you just can't take it, huh?"
"You big jerk!" he reached out and grabbed my arms and jumped up onto my back. With a loud WHOA, I lurched forward, and we fell onto the big pile of pillows in the middle of the recreation area just behind the cab of the bus. I let out a big HUFF as I got the wind knocked out of me. With Joey's weight on top of me, I turned under him and faced him.
"Getting rough, there big fella?"
He turned a little red, "Sorry, but I'm really glad that we get to spend the day together."
I smiled. "What do you want to do?"
"We could just stay like this for the next twenty four hours," he joked.
"Let's go to my place."
"You have your own apartment?"
"I have my own house. It's not huge, but I have a pool and we can make breakfast."
"And lunch, and dinner, and maybe breakfast tomorrow."
"You sure you can stand being around me for that long?"
Joey stood up and pulled me to my feet by pulling on my hands. "I feel like a new world has opened up for me. I could spend the next fifty years making breakfast with you." He then dashed back to his cubicle to grab a few clothes and things and left me standing there to think about his last bombshell of a comment. Damn this week has flown by fast. Almost like a fantasy sequence.
The day was incredible. I've mentioned how my concept of time was completely twisted up since last night, and today was no exception. At the same time time crawled like a snail and shot at the speed of light. We had a few scrambled eggs and some toast for breakfast, and decided we both should really get some sleep. It was odd crawling into bed at 8:30, just when my work day was supposed to be starting, but after the night we'd just had we really needed some rest. The second I pulled the covers back and crawled into my king size bed, Joey was wrapped up in the sheets with me. He got real comfortable, real fast with being with another man, and I couldn't be more thrilled. The way he nuzzled himself right into a twisted mass of our arms and legs was just like a puppy dog curling up into a ball in his favorite spot. Joey wrapped both arms around my torso, scooted his body as close to mine as possible, threw his left leg over my left and laid his ankle over mine just so it was comfortable. Then, after resting his head against my shoulder, in less than five minutes he had fallen asleep. I can't remember a time in my life when I've felt so connected to another person, so much like we "fit". I was headed for a heart break, I just knew it.
We woke up at two in the afternoon and went for a swim in the pool in my backyard, but we didnt do much swimming. I don't think we were physically able to keep our hands off of each other. I think I just decided that even though this was probably something that was not "meant to be", that I was going to enjoy what we had at the moment as much as possible. On the other hand, I also knew in the back of my head that somehow I needed to preserve my own heart and I just didn't know how.
Just after sunset we headed back into the house to shower and clean ourselves up. We both relaxed in shorts and t-shirts for the rest of the evening. Around seven we were laying on the couch and Joey crawled over, wrapped his arms around me and rested his head in my lap. Facing away from me, he said in a low, dreamy kind of voice, "Alex?"
"Yes, Joey?"
He swallowed hard enough for me to hear the click in his throat, paused, then said, "I want to ask you something."
"Anything. You know that by now."
Another pause. "Nevermind." He squeezed me even more tightly and pulled his head further onto my lap.
I let the moment pass while I ran my fingers through his curly hair and followed the line of his sideburns and beard. His head was large in my hands, and that was something I'd always liked about being with a man. After a minute I said, "Go ahead and ask, Joey. I can handle what you have to say."
He drew in a breath that was almost like he had fallen into a deep sleep. When he exhaled it came out sounding like a sigh. "What I want to know is... Well. I want so badly to make love with you, Alex."
I swear that one sentence has never had such an impact on me. All at once I felt like every adrenaline releasing gland in my body exploded with activity, yet my stomach felt like I had taken a sucker punch. My head was swimming, and my hand froze on Joey's face.
I wasn't afraid of sex, in fact I love it just as much as any normal person should. The problem was that I really didn't believe in vacillating between Mr. Right and Mr. Right-Now. When I decided that I would begin my search to find my soul-mate, whether I found him quickly or if it took five years, I also decided to remain sexually celibate until we made the commitment to each other. I didn't need a ring on my finger, but I believe in monogamy. The sock to the gut that I felt stemmed from the fact that I could never have predicted this set of circumstances.
"Can I ask you a question, Joey?"
Joey nodded his head in my lap without looking up at me.
"Do you want to make love because it's me or because it will be your first time?"
This time Joey sat up and sat back against the arm of the couch. It was practically the furthest we'd been apart in twenty-three hours. He had no expression on his face. Slowly, he stood and walked into the bathroom in my bedroom.
More feelings that even I've ever experienced before washed over me. A sensation not unlike a heat wave flushed across my face, and I closed my eyes to fend off the overwhelming emotions. A moment later, I stood to follow him, but Joey had already come out of the room with his clothes from the night before in hand. My heart sank like a submarine. No. Please God, no.
But, yet again, Joey surprised me. It seemed he did that naturally. He walked over to me, laid his things on the arm of the couch, stood facing me, and placed his hands on my shoulders. He ran this finger tips down my biceps and forearms, then ran them back up until his palms cupped my cheeks. With his shoulders shrugged almost to his ears he leaned into me and kissed me with such depth of passion that felt I might black out in his arms. After the day we'd had I would never expect a kiss more passionate than all the others, but this one truly was.
He broke the kiss, stepped back to collect his clothes again and said, "I don't want it to be because it will be my first time. I want you to know, in your heart, that it will be because it's you."
After that we soundlessly drove the hour long trip back to the hotel that Joey was checked into. In the parking lot, I already knew I couldn't go inside where Justin, Chris, Lance, and JC were expecting Joey. I knew it would be difficult for Joey to explain my presence, so I stayed in the driver's seat, still buckled up. With the engine still running, I turned to him.
"Thank you, Joey-Baloney. I mean that."
"I'm the one who should be thanking you. I haven't done anything to be thanked for," he said.
"You did. You found me, and you took a chance to be with me."
"That was nothing."
"If I never hear from you again, at least I will have the memories of you."
He leaned forward with his eyebrows furrowed down. "I told you this morning, Alex. I'll find a way to see you again. You can count on it."
I nodded, already fighting back a tear. I hate this. "I know. I believe you." Even as I said that, though, I wasn't sure I believed it.
"I know what you're thinking," Joey said reaching over to gather me into his arms again for one last hug, and stopping my next comment with a finger to my lips. "But I'll prove you wrong. I'll find a way." He kissed me goodbye and left the vehicle.
After watching him run into the entrance of the hotel until he disappeared from my sight, I pulled the jeep away in a haze. At that moment I felt alone in the world, and I didn't know how to handle the complex emotional whirlwind I was feeling. I only made it one mile until I had to stop the jeep by pulling into the dark parking lot of a closed service station. As I threw the gear shift into park, I turned out the headlights and the ignition, and in what I can only describe as mourning, I stopped fighting against the deluge of pain in my heart that I knew before would come, I gripped the steering wheel with both hands and I bawled into the night.
...To be continued... this is not the end, Joey will find Alex.