Hey everyone! Here's the second part, and don't hate me too much. If you stick around for the third, you might actually enjoy it... a little bit.
Disclaimer: Hey, don't point fingers at me! I'm not trying to say any members of Nsync are gay (though I may think they are). Just pretending, that's safe. Isn't it? Anyhow, you've been warned!
Cards (Unloved -2) Copyright 2001 Ice
Damn. Do you ever feel like sometimes you don't play your cards right? You get a hand and if you make one wrong move, you're out of the game. Sometimes, if you're lucky, you'll get dealt another hand. You can even play those ones right. God, how bad do I wish that happened to me?
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I couldn't believe it. I was dreaming. I had to be. JC just does NOT love me like that. So what do I do? I get real smart and I tell him I don't love him like that. Christ, I couldn't even hold myself together enough to say the words. I KNEW I was gonna cry the second they came out of my mouth.
And the look he gave me. The "I understand you can never love me and I accept it" look. He looked so... defeated. I could NOT really do that to my Josh. I had to be dreaming, JC has never had that look on his face because of me before. Only evil people like Lou Pearlman and Nick Carter make him look like that. And I know I was dreaming because right after I saw that look, he put me to bed and kissed my forehead, instead of walking away or sitting down and crying.
I remember waking up the next morning and I was naked. I could NOT believe I did that to myself, thinking of Josh when I undoubtedly broke his heart not 5 minutes before. Oh God, what kind of a sick person am I? I ran to the bathroom and threw up what felt like my liver.
It was from the alcohol, really. I wasn't THAT sick of a human being, was I? Fuck me a million times. I went downstairs for breakfast and there he was. Sitting at the table. Oh my God, his eyes were red and slightly puffy and motherfucker I just KNEW he stayed up half the night crying about it. About ME. I made the fucking love object of my LIFE cry. And I sat across him for breakfast, talking like it was a normal, mundane fucking day.
After he finished his breakfast, he joked about the mess Joey had made throwing popcorn the night before as he put his dish in the sink. He turned around and as I laughed, I turned my head back to my cereal. But not after catching the look. The look I was SO obviously not meant to see.
Sweet Jesus. I'd give anything for him to let me look at him when he was looking at me like that.
I knew then, that my chances with him were over. I couldn't believe I was THAT stupid. To tell him that I couldn't return his feelings for me because I was too stupid and drunk and STUPID to realize it wasn't a dream. To realize that the second I saw him I should have cried and begged for his forgiveness.
Instead I did the easiest thing that I could do. I broke his heart.
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We went like that for over a year. Acting normal, like the night never happened. I knew that he thought I didn't remember shit from that night. If only he knew I remembered every emotion I saw in his eyes with crystal clarity and wished that I could forget it. Finally, I did the last thing either of us had expected.
I broke down.
It was right before our fourth CD was about to be released. It was in the stupidest time too. We were just hanging out in the living room watching a movie when I decided it would be a great time to kiss him.
How come everything fucked up starts with a kiss from me? I should just never kiss people again in my fucking life. Hell, I'd gone over a year without being with a single person. How could I? My heart belonged to Josh, although he would never know. But he found out, oh GOD he found out.
I remember him pushing me away from him. I remember the intense pain that seemed to be radiating off of his body in thick waves, pushing me away FOR him. I remember him asking me what the hell my problem was, and what I had to go and do that for.
I'll bet he didn't expect me to start sobbing like a baby.
No, he definitely didn't expect me to grab him and cry into his old shirt and beg for forgiveness of the pain I'd caused him for more than a year. For the stupidity I had that night, for pushing him away when I wanted nothing more than to pull him closer. For me telling him I didn't love him when I loved him so much I thought my heart was going to burst when I saw the pain in his eyes when I told him that LIE - LIE! I lied to Josh!
And I certainly didn't expect him to pull away and stand up. I didn't expect him to yell at me and tell me that I didn't deserve his love after making him wallow in his fucking misery for over a YEAR. He hadn't been able to get over me, just like I couldn't get over him.
I don't know why I was so stupid. I thought if I just maybe kissed him again...
He pushed me back onto the couch and yelled at me. No, SCREAMED.
"DON'T YOU GET IT?! YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO THAT TO ME! NOT AFTER A YEAR OF KNOWING HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU! A YEAR JUSTIN! YOU DON'T EXPECT ME TO WANT TO LOVE YOU AFTER A YEAR OF THINKING YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME, DO YOU?!" His face was turning colors and tears built up in his eyes. That was when I had to leave. I just grabbed my coat and ran.
I ran out the door, I ran down the street. I ran to the nearest hotel I could find and had them book me a room. I half expected him to be following me, ready to pull me back into his arms and our house.
But when I looked over my shoulder, he wasn't there.
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So that's why I'm here. Sitting in this room and looking out the window at 3:09 in the morning, accepting the fact that JC and I will never be. I wanted nothing more than to hear the door pounding and open it up to see JC and have him pull me into the world's biggest hug. But that's just something I'm going to have to deal with.
Maybe next time I'll play my cards a little better.
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Hope that wasn't too depressing. More coming! Oh yeah, if you wanna email me and tell me I suck or whatever, go for it! I LOVE fanmail!
Ice