How ya doing people? Yes, it took me a very long time to actually update this thing, and I'm sorry about it. You see, college has this tendency of getting in the way of your writing.
This story is just my imagination. I don't know them. I don't know who they love or who they sleep with, and I don't really care. Why? Because if it turns out everything I have in my wicked mind isn't true, I'm gonna be very disappointed, so I'd rather picture them as I like. grins
If you wanna tell me something, write to: jmfluder@hotmail.com I love feedback!
Check out my webpage at: www.geocities.com/sdlucly/
To Angel, it's gonna take forever for this thing to be done, I just hope you have enough patience to bare with me Karen, once again we're back in square one. Another semester we have to handle college's pressure, but then again, that's our life, right?
Now with the story...
Mysteries Unspoken By M. F. Luder
Chapter 3
Lance was interrupted by a knock on his door. Picking up the remote, he turned off the tv - not that he had been watching it anyway.
The young blond opened the door to see Joey in the hallway. "Come on in." Moving over so the New Yorker could get in, he closed the door after him.
"I hope I'm not bothering you?" asked Joey as he looked at the sea green eyes of his friend.
"Nah! I wasn't doing anything too important. What is it?" Lance asked as both of them walked over to the bed, sitting on it.
Lance knew perfectly fine what Joey wanted to talk about, so, in a preventive manner, he picked up a pillow from the bed, holding it tightly to his chest. It wasn't gonna help much, but it'd hold his frustrations in place.
"Do you remember Katy?" The older man questioned while picking at his nails - something he did only when he was nervous or anxious.
"Yeah, the girl you've been telling me about." Joey had started telling him about this Katy girl, and old school friend, about two months ago. Joey had run into her at the mall when he had been shopping. The New Yorker had arrived at their shared suite totally excited about it, wanting to tell someone about it. However Dani had flown there and her and Chris were having some alone time - the last thing Joey had wanted was to bother the couple. But Lance had been watching tv in the living room when Joey had burst into the room, so he had asked the older man about it. Joey had told him the story: how they had been closed friends back at school, how they lost touch after that, how they had talked for an hour and how Joey had asked her for her phone number and was definitely planning on calling her. After that they had been hanging out and talking about it nonstop. Every time Joey called her, he'd talk with Lance about it. Last time had been two days ago and their conversation had been over three hours.
Joey nodded. "I called her earlier this morning. She's truly excited about this project she's about to finish." The older man had said that she was as architect. Katy was working for a big company and had gotten a hold on the project of a building.
"She's about to finish it?"
"Yep." Joey nodded, very proud of her. "The opening is in a week. She said she'd ask me to go, if she herself was going."
"She's not going?"
"Nope. She never goes to the openings. Doesn't like them. Said something about the expectations and stuff like it. I didn't really understood her." The New Yorker finished with a smile and shrugged his shoulder at his own behavior.
"You're really liking her, aren't you?" Lance said, smiling at his older friend, despite the fact that he was holding the pillow closer to his chest - something Joey didn't notice.
"Oh Lance!" The new Yorker groaned in excitement as he dropped himself on the bed with a stupid grin plastered on his face. "Damn I'm liking her!" He sighed and focused on the ceiling. "I could even tell you I'm falling for her."
Lance glanced over at Joey and clenched his short nails into the cushion, trying to hold his emotions at bay - something that, once again, went unnoticed by the older man. After a moment, and enough breaths, he asked. "Do you think she feels the same way?"
Joey's brown eyes looked for Lance's green pair and locked with them for a moment.
The Mississippian hold his gaze for a split of a second before looking at his fingers picking at the strands of the pillow.
"I don't really know." The voice run through the haunting silence.
Lance was surprised to hear Joey's answer. For a moment there he had lost touch with the conversation and didn't even remembered the question he himself had asked. He was glad when his mind and memory kicked in and pieced everything together. Swallowing the lump in his throat of the size of Texas that seemed to have developed in only a mattered of seconds, he answered from his heart. "I think she does." Lance had to stop for a moment. Clutching the cushion even tighter - without making it explode - he continued, his voice even steadier that he had thought could be possible in that situation. "I mean, check this out. You've been talking on the phone or emailing each other for the past two months. If she didn't like you at least one bit, she wouldn't even try friendship between you two. Ask her out. At least you have to try." Lance really didn't know how in God's name he had finished all that and muster an incredible easiness, but he thanked the heavens for it.
"You think so?" Doubt and hope evident in his voice as Joey glanced at the younger man. Lance was so young, but knew so much more than a person his age should, had been his thoughts more than once.
"Why not? What's there to loose? If both of you think there is something worth trying out, then give it a chance. If you don't, then you'll only go out like friends." The twenty-one year old still had the pillow pressed tightly against his chest and could feel his hands damp from the sudden sweating.
"Thanks Lance. You're great." Standing up from the bed, Joey moved next to Lance and hugged him.
The blond man was surprised at first, but reacted quick enough to enjoy the moment. Hugging Joey back, he let himself get drowned in the other man's essence and relaxed at little bit against the touch, feeling completely comfortable in the embrace.
Joey pulled away from the embrace and looked at the bass singer. Sometimes he thought it should be him giving advice at the young blond and not the other way around. "You have no idea what this means to me man."
'Neither do you' thought Lance with a sad smile on his lips. "I'm glad I could help."
The New Yorker thanked him one more time before leaving.
Lance groaned in frustration as he leaned his back against the closed door. This moments were starting to be more and more difficult with time. With heavy feet, he made his way to his bed and laid down on it, focusing on the ceiling.
He knew he had to be his friend before anything else, and that was what he was trying to do. Suggesting the older man to ask her out, to try a relationship with her had almost killed him. He cursed the minute all this had started. If only Chris hadn't been busy with Dani, if only he hadn't asked him about his eagerness, if only...
'If only you didn't love him' his mind told him.
He had tried to prevent this. God knew he had tried but it hadn't work. You can't choose who you love, and Lance was the living prove of that. How had he fallen in love with him?
It had all start with a look here, a touch there. Lance had thought nothing of it. He thought the fuzzy feelings he had every time Joey smiled at him were just ought to admiration. Lance had never thought of himself as gay. He had always been shy and dating had never been within his priorities. He hadn't been interested in girls that much, but he hadn't checked out guys either.
He knew he looked up to Joey. The older man was everything Lance wasn't: confident, smart, athletic, quick thinking, outgoing, flirtatious. He had never wanted to fall for Joey, fully knowing that his feelings would never be reciprocated. Joey'd never feel the same way, not only because he didn't swing that way, but what would Joey see in him? Lance was so plain. A country hick, shy, quiet, always on the low key, sucked in sports. He'd never fall for Lance.
Despite his insistence in not loving him, Lance hadn't been able to convince his heart.
Two years that Lance had been in love with Joey. Two years that he'd been able to hide his feelings for and from the New Yorker. No one knew about it. But now, everything seemed to crumble. Every wall he'd built around him to protect himself from the pain of not being with him seemed to fall apart in an instant.
He could deal with Joey going out with some girl, kissing her in from of the Mississippian, telling her he loved her. He could deal with his daily flirting with every female he'd see, with the fact that those small smiles, sweet touches and promising winks would never be for Lance. He had settled for brotherly hugs, friendly smiles and thankful pats.
Sure, it had hurt not to have him around, not to be able to hug him and kiss him and tell him how much Lance cared for him and how long he had been in love with Joey. But Lance had been able to live with it day after day for the past two years and it had never hurt so bad and so deep.
But then again, he'd never had to actually help him with a girl. He'd never had to listen to him talk endlessly about her. Nope, that had always been Chris' job.
But what could he do now? He couldn't tell Joey not to talk with him anymore. He enjoyed their time together. If only her name didn't come up in every conversation between the two friends, then maybe he could relax and just enjoy the time being.
Lance closed his eyes shut. He didn't want to cry. He just couldn't cry. But it hurt so bad. Tears were already welling up in his eyes, he could feel it. He had to hold it all inside. The last thing he needed was for someone to find out.
Doing the only thing he knew could give him peace of mind that night, Lance walked over to his suitcase and pulled out a black leather bound book from the secrecy of its confine. This small book held all his deepest secrets and fears. He had had it for a little over a year now. Discovering this way to keep all his feeling in place had been breathtaking. Lance knew that if he hadn't, he'd have probably gone insane with the pain a long time ago. Walking over to the bed again, he got a cushion and placed it between his back and the headboard of the bed. Sitting on it comfortable, he looked at the book. He had been carrying it everywhere, always in his suitcase, afraid that anyone would find it if he ever left it in one of the drawers. The black leather was soft against his fingertips. The tip of the black laze page index was visible at the edge of the book. He had had it made specially for this purpose.
His writings.
The same way JC would deal with his feelings in his music, Lance did it by writing. It was something no one knew about him. Not even his family, let alone his friends. Hell, he himself didn't know he had it in him until one very special night a year and something ago.
If he had been close to losing it at one point, it had been that night.
They had gone to the VMAs that night, even won two awards. Everything had been normal. They had all decided to go alone. So, after the awards, as was expected, they had gone to the after party. JC and Justin had gone to the dance floor right away, Chris had gone for drinks, leaving Joey and Lance by themselves for a while. The younger man didn't know what to do, he had found out about his love with the New Yorker not so long ago, and also knew nothing could be done about it.
Joey had looked at him, then smiled. "Do you like what you see?" he had asked.
Lance had wanted to answer 'Yeah, you', but he knew Joey meant the girls in the party. He had only shrugged and kept quiet. A little while after that they had found a secluded booth for them and Chris had arrived with the drinks. Both Lance and Justin had cokes, being minors JC didn't let them drink, even if it was Awards' night.
The whole night had sucked for the older blond. JC and Justin had had a blast on the dance floor, Chris had been flirting with a girl, not really taking it seriously since the last thing he wanted was to cheat on Dani, Joey... Joey had been flirting with a couple of girls for a while. Until he saw her'. She had pale porcelain skin, long legs, a stunning body, dark hair and piercing green eyes. To sum it all up, she was drop dead gorgeous. Joey had dance with her for the rest of the night. He had even taken her back to the hotel with them in the limo. Having to watch them making out on the couch had been utter pain for the blond. When they had arrived at the hotel, Joey had told them not to bother him' and both him and the girl had gotten to his room. Chris had even made some wicked comment about how `he was getting some' that night. Thankfully no one had noticed the hurt on the young man's sapphire green eyes. Saying he was tired, Lance had retired to his room after that as he had felt himself in the verge of tears.
When he had been in the security of his room, despair had taken over. He wanted to break things, but knew he'd most certainly regret it the next day. Drinking his ass off had been on his mind, but he had never liked the taste of alcohol that much. With nothing left for him to do, he dropped himself on the floor and hugged a pillow closed to his face to quiet his cries.
Suddenly all this lines, endless thoughts had started to form in his mind, like he was remembering the quotes of a play. With a strength he didn't know he had left, Lance walked over to his suitcase and pulled a stack of papers from it. Picking up a random piece and a pen that stood close by, he started to write without even thinking about it. About then minutes later, and five more pages, he had been done.
There were about five quartets and some random ideas, but writing nonetheless. Feeling surprisingly calm, Lance had been amazed by it. Only a couple of minutes before he had been on the verge of self destruction and, for no reason whatsoever, he was at ease once again.
Ever since that moment Lance would write whenever he felt depressed or just in the mood for it. Knowing he'd need a better place to write than the schedule's papers, he had that book made exclusively for that purpose. He even bought a pen special for the task.
The blond man had never been the one to go for expensive things. He had always been a very simple person, but felt different about that matter somehow. The next city they had stopped by, Lance had gone to the mall alone and bought a Montecarlo fountain pen. It had been quite expensive, but he hadn't even thought twice about it. It was a lovely fountain pen. That was the only pen he ever wrote with in his book.
His writing were pretty different within themselves. They were simple writings, random lines, letter to an unknown addressee - he felt no deed to write his name. But, most special of all, were his poetry. There were full pages of just quartets about his feelings. Most of them were over the fact that his love was unanswered, but there were others on the sappy side - written after a session just playing Playstation or after a private and lovely conversation.
Now again he felt like the only thing that could keep him sane from all this, from having to hear Joey drool over Katy, were his writings. It was his sanity blanket. His only link to reality in moments of total despair.
Opening on the page he had stayed last time he had written , he uncapped the pen and hold it between his forefinger and thumb. Looking at the page one last time, he started to write instinctively.
You just left once again And I can feel all the pain I don't even know how to make it Everytime I see your face
It will never be the same Not since you said her name I'm just a shadow in the night She, the one in your mind
How can I be your friend How can I lie to myself I've tried, I swear But all I see is your smiling face
We chat and laugh While my heart is torn apart I look at you and get lost in your eyes Please, just for once, realize I'm alive.
Lance sighed. How many nights had he spend the same way, writing and feeling miserable? Too many to count. With another look at the last page, he closed the book and placed it back in his suitcase.
He checked his watch. Still another hour to leave for the venue. With nothing else left to do, he decided to try and watch some tv.
The concert went without a hitch. It was amazing how those five individuals could put everything behind them and just worry about the matter at hand, leaving all their trepidation behind the scenes and pretend like nothing was wrong if only for two hours and a half.
Justin gave all of him in the concert, forgetting for a minute how his best friend was death worried about the Mississippian. JC sang with all his might as he stopped thinking about all the sleepless nights in the past and the ones to come wondering what could be wrong with the older blond. Lance focused on the dance steps, trying his best not to mess up, as he forced himself not to think about his breaking heart. Joey put his mind on their dancing and singing as he dismissed the thought that had been running through his mind for the last couple of hours: to either asked Katy out or not. And Chris... well, Chris was Chris as he often didn't have much in mind. He only enjoyed the show, knowing that there was a comfy bed waiting for him at the end of the day.
And now, on the bus, silence reined. Darkness took over the small place. The only sound available was the roaming of the tires against the cold and solid cement of the street, taking the five young singers to the next city on the schedule. New city, new people. And with that, new problems as well.
However, if you looked closed enough in one of the bunks, you could have seen a blond damp head laying on the pillows, his face shielded by his hands. His cheeks, tear strained. A small book laying close by.
Hope you liked the chapter. Finally some stuff was revealed... just in case you were wondering.
Yes, the poem is mine, in case you didn't notice by the simplicity of it. Don't think I'm being mean, I'm just being fair. Besides, I always put something of me in my stories, so this is just another side of myself.
If you have anything to tell me, let me know at: jmfluder@hotmail.com
And check out my page: www.geocities.com/sdlucly/
Take care and investigate.
M. F. Luder