This is to Izzy (also known as Raa, I., the Greatest - I love you hon!), whom I also owe enormous thanks for betaing, my Glasgow guys Rob and Dan, and all the other wonderful people who have graced me with their kind comments. Hell, it's to everybody who takes the time to read it! Enjoy...
Hah! Surprised to see me again so soon? Well, someone (naming no names, Andy!) said something I wanted to prove wrong. No harm done, except maybe to those who don't like the story. Why read it then..? Plus I had a day off but still woke up at ten a.m. I'm sure you wanted to know that. I'm going now!
Disclaimer: This story is not meant to imply anything about the true sexuality or personal lives of the celebrities mentioned. Adult (m/m) content, don't be illegal, stuff like that. Any likeness to real persons, as in people personally known to me (like ex-boyfriends...), is either purely coincidental and unintended, or not in any way malevolent (no, not even ex- boyfriends... I'm just too nice).
WARNING!!! High Joshtin content, in case some of you are repelled by the combination. More L/Em guaranteed in the next chapter!
NEEDING YOU CHAPTER 14 By Neqs
Lance was floating on warm, gentle waves that felt feathery against his bare back. The waves were of a golden hue, soothing and protecting him from all evil - and from the overpowering duties of his fast-paced life.
No! There would be no thought about the rush and chaos that dominated his life. No need to use exclamation marks. No need to use the word 'no', only the calming motion of the dimly glimmering, blessedly safe place. Lance's extremely relaxed state eschewed most rational thought, but he couldn't help idly wondering whether this was what being in his mother's womb had been like. So warm. So devoid of threats, dangers, and responsibilities. There was only him, and the oasis of harmony that surrounded his reclining form.
'Well. This perfect place isn't perfect after all.' Lance accepted the thought with a little smile that managed to be wry and serenely content at the same time. No place was perfect anymore without one special person in it.
Actually, no place had ever been perfect. He just hadn't known it before. He'd felt there was something lacking, something not just right about his corner of the world, but he'd been helpless in his efforts to determine the cause of the quaint sense of longing. He'd sometimes thought he had everything he could ever want or need, but now he offered his past self a fond, gently condescending, almost paternal smile. How wrong he'd been! And how exceptionally happy he was to have been wrong this one time.
At the best of times in his past life, he had been happy and content. Now, he was in love. It was lamentable that 'love' was such an overused word. It had become a cliché, losing significance in the eyes, if not in the hearts, of people. But it was still the one and only word he deemed potent enough to express all the nuances of his present state. The word did have a thousand nuances and then some.
Lance was still drifting on the restful, temperate winds of his self-contemplation, hovering on the edge of sleep, when shouting in the hallway roused him from his reflections. More like screaming, he amended after returning to his full senses. He could only barely make sense of the screeched words, but it was easy for him recognize the voices of his two band mates. He sighed. Trouble in the Joshtin paradise would mean tense times for the entire group until the problem was solved.
As if he didn't have enough problems already. Now that his tranquility had been shattered, all the thoughts that had been bothering him before the meditation exercise came tumbling back to him. It had been three weeks since he'd last seen his beloved badass rapper anywhere else than on TV, and the two-dimensional picture just wasn't enough anymore. Even their daily (or rather, nightly) phone calls had begun to cause him almost as much as pain as they brought pleasure. Only almost, because it was precious beyond belief to hear Marshall's voice, his soft laugh, even the disparaging snort that accompanied some anecdotes.
No, the phone calls were what kept him going, and their relationship had survived the first pains of separation, emerging stronger that ever. He found some consolation in the close bond he shared with his four brothers-in-heart, but he'd been dismayed to realize that he could, after all, act all too well.
Lance had always been a very independent person, even back when he still wore his hair in a bowl- cut and his mother was his closest friend and confidante. He knew he could get help whenever he asked for it, or only hinted that something was troubling him. He had no problem asking for help with small things. It was the big stuff that made him suffer in silence.
The guys, for all their amazing and not so amazing talents and their wonderful personalities, couldn't really read minds. They needed some sign to tell them their aid was needed before they knew to reach out. Unfortunately Lance had been too successful in his efforts to build a calm, cool façade that projected an aura of control and serenity at all times, no matter what his real emotional state was. Unless he was on the verge of a mental breakdown or really, really drunk, only a few people could read him. And that was a bummer in times like this, when he could have used a helping hand or a sympathetic ear, but was too self-sufficient to go ask for help in a matter as big as this.
He didn't notice that the screeching had stopped until he heard an impatient knock on his door. Curious, he opened it, startled as a flustered-looking JC stormed in and threw himself on the couch.
"Argh! He's so stupid sometimes I'd like to bang my head against a wall, and then his!" It wasn't hard to guess who the lanky brunette was talking about. Well, except that Lance had known it already. He turned all his attention on his friend.
"What has he done now?" For a moment it looked like JC wouldn't answer, but then he shook his head in frustration and looked straight at Lance with an apologetic smile on his face.
"Ok, this will sound really weird and stupid, because it is, but Justin, he- he thinks there's something going on between you and me." To say that Lance was dumbstruck would be the understatement of the year. He stared at JC for a long moment, and after they had shared a respectively solemn/startled look for an appropriate interval, they both burst into helpless laughter.
"Ooh, this is priceless! Hehehee, can you just imagine that?" Lance was giggling and wiping tears from his eyes.
"It's, whoa, no I can't!" JC's laughter was really strange, sort of barking. But nice.
"No offense Josh, you're one of my best friends, maybe the best, but you and me just don't match that way, not at all. Besides, I'm not even a bit attracted to you, sorry, but no."
"I can totally understand. I can see what other people see in you, and appreciate you aesthetically, but no sexual or romantic attraction there! And I might be a bit insulted if you were attracted to me, Lance."
"What! Why?"
"Well, even you have to admit that you have the strangest taste in men. Can you say Eminem? And Howie, no matter how cute and nice he is, he's just too damn small and skinny."
"Hey! First of all, my taste in men is just fine. Secondly, are you dissing my boyfriend? Careful, buddy. Thirdly, Howie is a great guy AND a great lay, and the correct term is petite. Besides, he's got some great muscles, too... And anyway, at least I don't have a type! I'm not the one who hasn't after the age of sixteen slept with anyone, man or woman, who hasn't had blond, curly hair! We don't want a certain person to know you've had a crush on him since he was twelve, do we? You only got together, what, less than six months ago? And then he shaved his head!"
"Stop it!" JC was more than a little embarrassed now. "He doesn't need to know that. And it wasn't about the curls, it was about him."
"Maybe he needs to know that."
"Maybe he already does." Their heads snapped towards the door so quick it was amazing neither got whiplash. Justin stepped in, closing the door. "Guys, if you want to have a private conversation, you'd better close the door all the way first." Justin strode to the sofa opposite the one Lance and JC were sitting on.
Lance was hit by how absurd the situation was. Did things really happen like that other than in movies? But it seemed like the coincidence would guarantee a fast solution to the crisis.
"So, um, how long have you been listening?" JC asked with his eyes fixed on the carpet.
"Ever since I heard the laughter. I was going out, I wanted some fresh air, but when I heard the two of you laughing, it was like a stake through my heart. After I listened to you for a while, things got clearer. Josh?" Justin waited until JC raised his eyes to meet his before continuing. "I'm sorry about earlier. I know it was irrational, and deep inside I know there's nothing between you and Lance except a deep friendship, but sometimes even that is enough to make me jealous."
Lance was hesitant to intrude into the conversation, but he WAS involved, and it was taking place in his room. And he had to know, for his own peace of mind. "Justin. Did I ever make you think there might be something going on?"
"Well-" Lance's heart stopped before the younger man continued. "Not exactly. You've been acting a bit strange this past week or so. Like there's something inside you that screams to get out. And you've been hovering near Josh a lot. Now that I know that that's not what's been bothering you, tell me, what is it Lance?"
Ok, maybe he wasn't such a good actor after all. Or maybe Justin just was more perceptive than he suspected. Or maybe he was just further down the road to breakdown than he'd imagined. Be that as it may, he surprised even himself when he burst into tears. Justin and JC froze in shock, but then hurriedly collected Lance into their arms and surrounded him with warmth and comfort like he hadn't known since Marshall left.
Lance awoke later, in his bed, with a warm body on either side. He wasn't worried, though; they were all fully dressed, and he could identify the others to be Justin and Josh. Joshtin again. He moved a little to indicate that he was awake.
"Lance?" Justin's voice was quiet.
"Hmm? Yes, I'm awake, Jus."
"I'm sorry I upset you. I feel so terrible right now."
Lance cut in before the lead singer could continue. "No, it wasn't anything that you said that upset me. It's been building up, and I just broke all of a sudden."
"I'm glad that it wasn't me. I was worried sick when you cried uncontrollably and then just zonked out. Now, what's been bothering you? Wait, let me guess: you miss Marshall."
"Yeah..." Lance blushed and lowered his eyes. "I know it's silly, but I miss him so much. It feels a bit like being tired to the bone, except that my body doesn't scream for rest, it screams for him. His touch, his presence, his scent. Ridiculous, I know, but it physically hurts to be without him!"
JC had stayed quiet while Justin and Lance talked, but now he stepped in. "The patient seems to suffer from Eminem deprivation. Prolonged physical proximity is highly recommended. Immediate action should be taken." He cracked into a goofy smile. "How about a vacation, Lance?"
"Ooh, I'd love one. But seriously, we're still here in the Compound, trying to perfect the last moves, and then we have those promotion appearances before the tour starts a week from now. It's impossible."
"Now, let's not lose hope! Come on, tomorrow is the last day of rehearsals. After that, we have two days of TV appearances, and then the award show, and then meetings before the tour sets out. You can't miss the award show or the meetings, but that TV stuff is not so important. You could easily skip it and run off to see Marshall!"
Lance was hesitant despite his rising hope. "I don't know. Those people expect to see five of us, not four."
"Come on, when have you last missed a show or an appearance? And the times you were too sick to stand don't count!"
Now Lance clung to the idea hungrily, but he couldn't wondering how it would ever work. "Gyus, what about Johnny? I don't think he'll be glad to know I'll ditch you for two days to cuddle with my boyfriend."
"Don't worry about it! We'll just tell him you're doing FreeLance stuff, he can't say anything to that! Other than maybe that you work too hard. Well, what do you say?"
"I'll do it!" Lance was so excited he was bouncing on the bed. "I'll have to reserve tickets, and find out where Marshall's tour is right now, and get a room, or will I share his? Oh oh oh!" Despite his bubbling enthusiasm, he still remembered what had happened earlier that evening. "Guys? I think you two should go and make up now. And thanks! Now, enjoy!"
JC and Justin chuckled at being ushered out with such a rush, but they took it with good humor, enjoying seeing Lance happy again. After the door had shut behind them, they silently made their way to their room. As he closed the door, making sure it shut the whole way, Justin glanced at JC from under his lashes.
"Are we okay now?"
"Yes we are." JC smiled warmly and kissed the taller man. "Although I find it a bit odd that you purposely flirt with people to make me jealous, but when I'm being close with my friend, you suddenly erupt in jealous rage."
Justin gaped at him. "You know? Why haven't you said anything?"
JC smirked. "I might walk with my head in the clouds sometimes, but I see when I'm being manipulated, at least most of the time. And baby, you've been as subtle as a rhino in heat, if you pardon the parallel."
"I- um- Damn!" Justin was beyond words.
"I don't mind. It's hot, and it's you, so I don't mind. And now we have some make-up sex to do."
With smoldering eyes, JC steered his shell-shocked boyfriend towards the bed. Justin didn't mind. It was hot, and it was Josh, so he didn't mind it one bit.
"So, you've lusted after me ever since I was twelve, huh?" JC's wonderfully relaxed, blissful state of body and mind vanished at the nonchalantly offered question. He directed a wary gaze at the man lounging next to him on the mussed bed.
"I- Damn. I hoped you'd forgotten about that part of the conversation."
"Nah, I just didn't want to bring it up in front of Lance. He's missing his man bad enough without us discussing our love in front of him. But let's stick to the original topic of discussion, shall we?"
"It wasn't like that. I mean, you were twelve, for god's sake! I'm no pedophile. It's just- I just developed this strange fondness of you. You were so much younger - no, I know four years is not much but at that age it is - but I still wanted to spend time with you, be close to you. It took some time to figure out it wasn't the usual 'best friends' feeling, but it was completely innocent at that point. It was later that I freaked out a bit."
"Aw, Josh, I wish I'd known. I would have freaked out at first, sure, who wouldn't? But as soon as I got used to the idea, I would have realized I was totally crushing on you!"
"Yeah, well, you were still so young. It would have been illegal, morally wrong, and it would most probably have royally fucked with your head. Besides, it wouldn't have been an equal relationship back then."
"So you decided to forget about it and slut out?"
"I put it on hold, and I did NOT 'slut out' as you put it. I just opened my heart to some new people. I didn't sleep with all of them, not even close. I, um, had some specific criteria for those people."
"Something along the lines of: '1) Looks like Justin, 2) Acts like Justin, 3) Is just nice and sexy'?"
"Well, all those three in about equal percentages, but yeah. Freaky, huh?"
"Freaky or not, it's probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me."
Pause. "You're really weird, aren't you?"
"You bet. And that's reason 87 on your list of reasons why you love me."
"Actually, it's reason 76, right after your mom's cooking and right before your strange hairline, but who's counting?"
"I love you too, you big freak. Even if you loved me when I was, like, ten."
"Twelve!"
"Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say."
TBC
Comments are greatly appreciated. Please send some to nea_1@hotmail.com if you have time.Even a short note lightens up my day and encourages to write. I'm especially glad to hear your ideas for the plot! I take requests if I find them interesting, and I most often do. Thanks for the wonderful feedback I've received so far!