This is to Izzy the Great (to whom also a million thanks for betaing!), Rob and Dan, Metra, Peter, Ryan, SumSum (cheer up hon!), Korandda, Writer Boy and all the other wonderful people who have graced me with their kind and helpful comments. Hell, it's to everybody who takes the time to read it! Enjoy...
Disclaimer: This story is not meant to imply anything about the true sexuality or personal lives of the celebrities mentioned. Adult (m/m) content, probably foul language, don't be illegal, stuff like that. Any likeness to people personally known to me is either purely coincidental and unintended, or not in any way malevolent.
NEEDING YOU CHAPTER 18 by Neqs
Lance and Kim stared at each other for a moment that seemed to stretch into infinity. Then, as if in a coordinated dance, Lance stepped aside and let Kim enter the hotel room in similarly paced movements. Kim opened her mouth as if to speak, but Lance silenced her with a gesture towards the shadowy shapes sleeping on the sofa. He then guided her to the plush armchairs in the other end of the room.
They settled there comfortably, and Lance waited for Kim to speak first.
"I recognize you now," she said with a puzzled expression. "What in hell is a pop singer doing in Eminem's hotel room, anyway?"
Lance debated in his mind between tact and honesty, but the decision was taken from his hands as the realization slowly dawned on the blonde woman. Her eyes widened, and she burst into high, mirthless laughter, pale as a ghost.
"Oh no, this is so not happening! This is too much, fucking too much..." Lance didn't know whether to try comforting her in some way, or shaking some sense into her. She seemed to be on the verge of hysteria. In the end, Lance said nothing, opting to let her say what she had to say, and maybe calm down a little. It took a few minutes, but then she took a look at the father and daughter on the other side of the room and sat back in her chair with a resigned sigh.
"I can't say I'm surprised. I mean- damn right I'm surprised as hell, but this explains a lot of stuff. Damn!" She seemed more frustrated and sad than angry, and when her eyes met Lance's they were bright with moisture.
"I always knew there was something missing, you know? Even when he thought he was blissfully happy, there was something wrong with it, with me. Shit! Do you have any idea how shitty it is to love someone who doesn't know he doesn't love you back? You can see he really doesn't, not the way he's supposed to, and the weird feeling of something missing is always there. It's like being the only one who can see what's really going on!"
All this time, Lance had been silent. He decided he should say something now.
"Kim." They hadn't been properly introduced, but Lance figured that the circumstances allowed some familiarity. Even if he didn't really know this woman except from other people's talk and some of that had been really negative.
"Kim, I'm sorry. I know it doesn't help anything, but still. It must have been painful for you, and really difficult not to be bitter." Lance's gaze was measuring, and she responded with a snort of mirthless laughter, ending with a sniffle.
"Bitter? Sure as hell I'm bitter. I loved him, he thought he loved me; he fucked me, knocked me up and fucked me up! And here I am, having a heart-to-heart with his boyfriend."
Lance's eyes flickered to hers. His voice was level and face expressionless. "Boyfriend?"
"Don't try to bullshit me, pop wonder! If you were just a friend or a fuck-buddy, you'd never be here while Hailie is. I may be a bitch and proud of it, but I'm not stupid." Her voice broke a little during the last sentence, laced with insecurity and distress.
Okay, so she had really hurt Marshall and normally that would have been reason enough for Lance to want to claw her eyes out, but he couldn't connect this pained, self-deprecating woman with the vindictive bitch he'd heard horror stories about.
"If you loved him, why did you hurt him?" This was the deciding question for him.
"Have you ever loved someone so much it hurt, and when it kept hurting, you thought the pain felt kinda good after a while? That's got something to do with it. I knew there was nothing I could do to make it work, since I guessed his secret before he did. I had to protect myself, you know? I felt like I'd left myself wide open, given him more than he'd given me. In my head I knew he didn't mean to hurt me, and that he's a good guy, but I just felt so vulnerable and defenseless, and had to lash out to keep him out and the hurt out. He really made me lose my sense of self-worth for a while, and I'm not sure it's all come back yet. I don't know if it ever will."
Lance listened to her long, rambling explanation with thoughts flickering through his mind. If he could take her at her word, and he was inclined to do so, she wasn't evil or heartless at all - just weak, somewhat rightfully bitter, and genuinely heartbroken. She'd done some stupid things, hurting Marshall pretty bad, and Lance wasn't sure if he should forgive her that. If it was even his to forgive. Why Kim would want Lance's approval or understanding was beyond him.
"Listen, I don't know everything that happened, or the emotions behind the actions, but I don't feel that you owe me anything. Marshall, yes, and maybe your daughter. You've messed up his life at least as badly as he did yours, and I think it's time to let things go, try to start over. Hailie needs his father, and what she doesn't need is you driving a wedge between them with your attitude and actions. I don't think you're a bad person Kim, but you have to stop doing bad things to people I love. You don't want me as an enemy, and besides, it would probably make you feel better about yourself again if you tried to do the right thing."
"I...thank you. I don't know why I care what you think. I'm just tired, you know? Things can't go on like this much longer. I don't know how to make things right anymore, it's too much to carry. Even breathing seems too hard to do. I hate myself sometimes, and I hate the way things are right now, but I don't have the strength to mend them." Why was she telling him this?
"Kim. I know it's hard to fix things, especially when they've been broken for so long, but the first step is to realize what you're doing wrong, and stop doing it. You've already done the first part, and I admire you for that. Now, the question remains, do you have what it takes to make a change?"
"I- I don't know. My life is so fucked up. I need time, time away from all this and from him. Not that I see him that often, he's still a presence in my life, haunting me. It's like when you know you've wronged someone, made an enemy, and so you always think he hates you and wants the worst for you. He's always there, even when he's far, far away."
"It seems like you've thought about this before?" She smiled tremulously before answering.
"Yeah. It's easy to know something's not right, but hard to start doing something about it. Now that I've said it out loud, and talked to you - a virtual stranger, but still connected to all this - I finally feel like I can do it."
Lance wasn't entirely convinced that Kim knew what she was saying, but trying wouldn't hurt. He was for anything that made Marshall's life easier, and if Kim started treating him like a human being - well, that would be just wonderful. He wouldn't knock this if something good could come out of it. Tomorrow, Kim might change her mind and forget she'd ever met Lance and opened her heart to him, but at least tonight it all seemed real and possible.
Marshall's peaceful slumber was interrupted when he felt something being removed from his lap. He protested groggily, reaching out to reclaim what had been taken from him, even if he wasn't yet sure what it was. As he opened his eyes into tired slits, he saw Lance picking up Hailie from where she'd been sleeping on the sofa, curled into the warm body next to her. This calmed him down; at least until he heard -her- voice speaking in hushed whispers.
"Careful! I don't wanna talk to him now, I can't. Maybe someday, but now I just want out."
Alarmed, Marshall struggled to sit up and be more alert, but Lance was already walking away, carrying Hailie towards the door, followed by Kim.
"James?"
"Hush, don't worry, I'll be right back. Go back to sleep."
As if he could just do that after the mysterious scene he'd just witnessed. He blinked his bleary eyes, trying to organize his thoughts. Okay, Kim had been there. She'd talked to Lance like she knew him or something. She hadn't yelled at him or made any snide or hateful comments.
Marshall Mathers was a very, very confused and worried man when he slipped back to sleep.
Lance smiled down at his slumbering lover, momentarily distracted by the unwitting grace of the sleeping figure. In the darkness of the night, there was no need for the poses and pretensions that brought an almost ever-present tension to the slender frame of the rapper. It was as if his demons had convened and decided to take a vacation, leaving Marshall looking - well, not reduced maybe, but certainly less of a presence.
As long as Lance could have stood there gazing down at the man he loved, spinning a web of mystery and adoring fairytales around his unsuspecting person, the sofa didn't look like a comfortable place to sleep. He compromised by dropping to his knees and sprinkling butterfly kisses on the sleeping man's uncharacteristically serene face.
"Come my love, come to bed my sweet love," he murmured into Marshall's ear, slowly rousing him. He steadied his stumbling man when he slid off the couch and ambled towards the bedroom. Encouraged by Lance's guiding touches and softly whispered instructions Marshall stripped off his sleep-wrinkled clothes and climbed on the bed, immediately burrowing deep under the covers. He only let them be lifted enough for the singer to slip in, gently spooning against his weary body.
The early morning brought with it questions that, even in their silence, screamed for answers.
To Marshall, the events of the late night seemed like an absurd dream, so far removed from reality that they defied understanding. Kim being civil, even slightly timid, and in friendly terms with Lance? Stuff of dreams, nightmares, and hallucinations.
It wasn't until Lance mentioned it that Marshal believed it had really happened.
"Hon, about Kim-" was about as far as Lance got before Marshall's head snapped to his direction so fast you would've thought he'd been slapped.
"What about her?"
"I guess you were mostly asleep when she left with Hailie?" Marshall nodded. He hated that he hadn't had a chance to say goodbye to his daughter.
Lance continued. "Well, we got talking, mostly about you. She loved you, you know?"
"Does she know about us?" Marshall didn't care about Kim's possible feelings for him, past or present. She was history, best learned from and then forgotten.
"She guessed it, and I didn't deny it. I think she already suspected, at least about you. Don't worry, I'm sure she won't do anything stupid, she doesn't want to cause any more trouble."
"She always wants to cause trouble for me! She's an evil bitch who wants nothing more than to make me suffer!"
"Em, I don't know her all that well, but she didn't seem evil last night when we talked. She's sorry for hurting you, and said she'd try to stop doing it. I'd take it with a pinch of salt, and I know it's not much, but it's a start, right?" Lance grew hesitant when Marshall stayed silent.
"I don't know what to say...That sounds so unreal. Did she really mean it?" Marshall allowed a spark of hope to come to life inside him.
"She seemed to. There are no guarantees, but she sounded sincere and really sorry for what she's done to you. She couldn't say it to you without losing face and slipping into your old hostilities, but she could and did say it to me. There's just too much bad blood between the two of you, too many scars and unhealed wounds. She seems to be trying."
Marshall shook his head incredulously and moved to enfold Lance into his arms. "My beautiful little miracle worker! Let's forget all about her for now, I wanna concentrate on -you-."
So he did, with a devotion and fervor that left Lance breathless and dazed and feeling very concentrated on.
Marshall did get to say goodbye to Hailie. She came knocking on Marshall's door cheerfully around ten in the morning,. Kim chose to wait by the elevators.
"Daddy! Lancey!" Lance didn't wince at the nickname, since he'd already almost gotten used to it the night before, and it was hard to deny the little heartbreaker her whims. The embarrassing new nickname was small potatoes.
"Hi there princess! Now, make sure to listen to those CDs I gave you, okay? I guarantee you'll like them better than that Backstreet stuff. Deal?" Marshall rolled his eyes at Lance's shameless attempt to convert his daughter from the enemy camp into his own. The green-eyed bass hadn't had much success yet.
"Yeah, yeah! I'll listen to them, but no promises!"
All in all, it was a relatively painless leave-taking. Kim stayed back, for once not rushing Hailie to leave, so that father, daughter, and lover could say their goodbyes without needing to hurry. The visit had been a success, as Lance had also connected with the girl, and Marshall had been able to spend more time with her than than he usually could on visits.
Still, Marshall sighed wistfully as the door closed after his daughter. "I sometimes dream of what it would be like, having her full-time, you know? Not like it was, in a house filled with fights and tension, but somewhere peaceful. With you, for example..."
Lance smiled sympathetically, his eyes shining with love and compassion. "Just you and me, and Hailie. Like last night, except in a home of our own. That would be bliss!" Lance grew more serious and intense. "I don't know about your future with Hailie, although I have high hopes that things will take a turn to better. But you...and me...together...it doesn't seem impossible at all. In fact, it sounds just wonderful, and I believe we can make it happen if we want it badly enough."
Lance didn't have to wait long to hear Marshall's opinion. Even before he said a word, the way his eyes seemed to catch light and his lips looked like they'd been given a wonderful gift told Lance all he needed to know.
The other parting of the day was much more teary. Lance clung to his lover with a desperation that would have embarrassed him if Marshall hadn't squeezed him back with exactly the same amount of need. They both tactfully neglected to mention the suspicious moisture in the other's eyes.
"Not yet...do you really have to go already?"
"I'm sorry. I'd love nothing more than to stay here, with you, but duty calls. I have to go convince swarms of teenaged girls that they don't want to exchange us for a newer, fresher model."
"Aw babe, you have tons of fans who really like you for your music, you know that right? Although your incredibly gorgeous looks probably don't hurt!" And the sad moment dissolved into rich, warm, and deeply affectionate laughter.
"I love you." Marshall's voice was thick with emotion.
Nuzzling his neck, Lance closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. His expression was oddly intense, as if he was making a memory that would sustain him for weeks to come. Still, a slow, smug smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.
"I know."
They leaned on each other for a long moment, filled with contentment. Then Marshall pulled back, framing Lance's face with his hands, gently stroking his cheekbones with his thumbs.
"When will I get to see you again?"
"Well, if you turn on the TV tonight- No, seriously, the first few weeks of the tour are gonna be hectic, never two days off in a row and only a few free days at all. I don't know if I can sneak out, but maybe I could sneak you in?"
Marshall could no more say no to those sincere puppy dog eyes than he could lick his elbow. He'd tried, but it was simply not possible. So, yeah.
"I guess I could... I'll check my schedule for the next breather, and if there isn't one, I'll make one! Whatever it takes babe, I'll come visit you. Soon." And the way he pulled their bodies together, his arms strong and steady, determined and infinitely loving around Lance's waist, told the emerald- eyed man he meant exactly what he said.
TBC...
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