Never Alone

Never Alone Part 4 of 4

All good things must come to an end, and my idyllic afternoon with Skye was no exception. I knew I had to go home and face Mom eventually, and I'd put it off long enough.

"I guess you should take me home," I said to Skye as he pushed me on one of the swings at the far end of the park. After our kiss on the bridge, we spent the next hour getting to know each other. We walked while we told each other our life stories, and eventually we ended up at the swings. "I wish this afternoon didn't have to end," I added with a sigh.

"We'll see each other again," Skye said. With a final push, he walked around to stand in front of the swing. "At least, I'd like to see you again, and I can't imagine why you wouldn't want to see me again." He flashed that cocky grin that I found so endearing and held out his arms.

I grinned back and jumped from the swing into his arms. "You know I want to see you again," I said, suddenly serious. "I'll probably be grounded until I'm eighteen after today, though."

He frowned. "Just for walking out of church? Just say you felt sick or something."

"Then she'll want to know why I didn't wait for them and where I've been all afternoon."

"What're you going to tell her?"

I shrugged. "I don't know yet. The truth maybe?"

"Really?" He sounded surprised. "And what would that be?" he asked, pulling away so he could see my face.

"That I was with my boyfriend," I said with a smile.

He didn't return my smile, instead pulling further away from me and dropping his arms from around my waist. "Jacy..."

"I was just kidding," I said quickly.

"Jacy, I think you're really sweet and all, and I like being with you, but I'm not really looking for a boyfriend. I'm young. I want to enjoy life before I settle down with someone."

"I didn't ask you to marry me," I replied. If my tone was a little sharper than I'd intended, it was because his words had stung. He wasn't looking for a boyfriend? So that meant I was just a plaything to him?

"Look, I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression. Don't get all bent out of shape now. We had a good time, right?"

I had to admit we had. I gave him a begrudged nod.

"And maybe we'll have a good time together again. I really would like that. We just won't be boyfriends, you know?"

His attitude was starting to grate on my nerves. "So what would we be, Skye? Acquaintances? Friends? Fuck buddies?"

He blinked in surprise and shrugged uncomfortably. "Why do we have to be anything? Who needs labels?"

I walked away from Skye towards the river, thinking feverishly. This isn't at all how I imagined it. Is this what gay life is like? Is this what my pastor was talking about when he referred to the gay lifestyle? No commitment? No real relationships? Maybe I'm just a stupid romantic, but I want more than that. I want a boyfriend. With that thought, I abruptly stopped walking. Did I really just think that? Is that what I want? A boyfriend? I knew it was. That knowledge hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I thought I had already accepted the fact that I was gay, or at least bisexual, but realizing how badly I wanted a boyfriend brought it all into sharp focus.

I turned back to Skye, who was watching me warily from the exact spot where I'd left him. "Can you take me home now?" I asked.

He nodded. We walked back through the park and the zoo to where we'd left his car, but the easy camaraderie from earlier was gone. We walked silently and with a distance between us that was more than just physical. Once in the car, I gave Skye directions to my house. After a few minutes of driving, he made an effort to explain himself.

"I'm really sorry if you feel like I led you on or something. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"You didn't lead me on," I said softly. "I led myself on. You never promised me anything. I was even warned to be careful around you, but I didn't listen."

He frowned at that. "Who warned you about me? And what did they say?"

I waved his questions away. "That doesn't matter. The point is, that you're entitled to want what you want, but so am I-and I want more than what you're offering. I want a boyfriend. I want commitment and romance. I want to say I love you and hear it said back. I want to know that the guy I'm with cares about me as much as I care about him."

"You want guarantees and there just aren't any in life."

"No, I don't want a guarantee. I just want a relationship that I can trust. Something like what you were proposing just wouldn't be satisfying for me."

"So what are you trying to say? That I'm a slut?"

"What? No! I wasn't saying that at all. If that's what works for you, then great, I'm happy for you. I just don't think that it would work for me. We want different things. That's all I'm trying to say."

We fell into a heavy silence and I thought about the words that had been tumbling out of me. How long had these thoughts been germinating in my mind, waiting to unfold like one of those time-lapse nature documentaries? I hadn't even realized on a conscious level that I wanted those things before now. Or maybe I had, but I'd always thought of it terms of getting married to a woman someday.

I found myself with mixed emotions as we pulled into the dirt lane that led back to my house. Part of me was relieved this tension-filled ride was over, but a much bigger part of me dreaded the confrontation with my mother. The car stopped and I climbed out, turning back briefly to say, "Thanks." He gave a curt nod, and I shut the door and watched him drive away.

The back door flew open and Michael spilled out, staring after Skye's car, already hidden by a cloud of dust.

"Dude, you are in so much trouble," he said, confirming my worst suspicions. "Where have you been?"

"I just needed to get away," I said simply. I started towards the house, figuring I might as well get this over with now instead of putting it off any longer.

"Who was that?" he asked.

"A friend."

I walked past my little brother, ruffling his hair as I went. "It was nice knowing you," I said as I opened the door.

"Who was it, Michael?" Mom called from the living room.

"It's me, Mom," I called back.

"Jacy!" Her voice was so harsh that I flinched. She rounded the corner into the kitchen with her jaw set and her eyes flashing. "Where have you been?" she demanded. "What were you thinking, just up and walking out of church! Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was for me and the family? I had to lie to the pastor and tell him you weren't feeling well."

"I never asked you to lie to anyone, and besides, it wasn't a lie. I was feeling sick to my stomach and I had to get out of there."

"Don't get smart with me. Why didn't you wait outside, and where on earth have you been?"

"I went for a walk, and a friend drove by and offered me a ride so we went to the zoo for a while."

"I can't believe you would do that without telling me. Do you have any idea how irresponsible that was?" I noticed Ariel, Gabriel, Raphael and Dina crowding around the door, all the better to hear me getting in trouble. I was sure Michael was still at the back door listening as well. It was a rare enough event that I could understand their interest. "We didn't know whether to wait for you or come home. We had no idea where you were. Who was this friend, anyway?"

"I'm sorry if you were worried," I said, doubting very seriously that she'd been all that worried. It was much more likely that she was just pissed. "My friend's name is Skye."

Her eyes narrowed. "Skye Morgan?" she asked.

I blinked in surprise. I hadn't expected her to know who he was. "Yeah."

"How do you know him? He doesn't even go to your school."

I quickly tried to think of a plausible lie. I couldn't very well tell her that I'd met him at the powwow while I was there with Aunt Lily to meet the grandfather she'd never told me about. At the thought of Fletcher, I began to get angry all over again, but I tried to suppress my resentment. Then I remembered the first time I'd seen Skye at Dairy Queen. "He came into Dairy Queen with someone I know from school," I said.

She eyed me suspiciously. I could tell she suspected there was more to the story. "How long have you been friends with him?"

"Not long," I said. "I don't really know him that well."

"Did you know he's a homosexual?"

My mouth dropped open in shock. How did she know that? True, Skye didn't exactly hide the fact, but I didn't even know my mother knew who he was, let alone that he was gay. "How did you know that?" I gasped before I could stop myself.

Her face grew red. "So you did know. I can't believe you would associate yourself with one of them." She said "them" as if she was referring to a pile of animal dung in which she'd just stepped. I felt my own face growing red with stifled emotions. "Weren't you listening to the pastor this morning?" She stopped as she put two and two together. "Is that why you walked out?" Her expression was so horrified that I almost laughed, except there was nothing funny about this situation. I had to make a choice, and I had to make it quickly. Would I back down and insist that I'd walked out simply because I was feeling sick, or would I take a stand and admit that it was the pastor's words that had made me sick?

While I was trying to decide what to do, Mom's expression became even more revolted-if that was possible-as a new thought occurred to her. "Oh God, Jacy! Please tell me you're not involved with that...that...pervert."

Suddenly, the events of the last few days boiled over and I lost it. "And what if I was?" I said in a deceptively calm voice. "Would you just write me out of your life and pretend I didn't exist? It wouldn't be the first time you've done that, would it?"

She froze. "What are you talking about?" She searched my face in an attempt to read what I knew.

"I know everything," I told her, challenging her with my stare.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she bluffed, but her eyes gave her away.

"Remember that school project you wouldn't help me with?"

She shook her head, not to say that she didn't remember it, but that she didn't understand.

"When you wouldn't help me, I went to Grandma Allen, but she wouldn't help me either. So then I went to Aunt Lily."

Mom's eyes grew wide. "She...she told you?"

"Not at first. She wanted to be sure I was ready to know. Yesterday, she introduced me to my grandfather. You know the one. The one you've lied to us about all these years, the one I didn't even know existed."

"That man is not your grandfather," she spat. "He lost the right to be called your grandfather the day he walked out on us. Lily had no right to tell you about any of this." She was practically shaking with rage at this point. I took a step backwards just to be out of her reach. She'd never hit one of us kids before, but then, I'd never seen her this angry either. "How dare she!"

"Don't be angry at Lily. She just told me the truth."

"That was my decision to make, not hers. You're my son. It was better you didn't know about that worthless excuse for a human being. What has she been telling you? She's probably filled your head full of lies, making him seem so noble and romantic."

"You're the one who's been filling my head full of lies," I interrupted heatedly. "You lied about Grandpa Allen being my real grandfather."

"I was trying to protect you."

"From what? My true heritage?"

"Heritage? I can tell you've been talking to Lily and him." She couldn't even bring herself to say his name. "What exactly is your heritage, Jacy? A bunch of heathen savages? If they want to run around worshiping pagan gods, fine let them, but that's the past, not today. You're better than that. We know the truth today."

"You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the ass." I'd crossed the line and I knew it as soon as the words left my mouth.

"That's it," she snapped, biting off each word. "You're grounded for six months. You're not to see Skye Morgan anymore. You're not to see Lily again. And you're certainly never going to see him again."

"They're my family; you can't stop me from seeing them."

"Oh yes I can."

"I'll go when I'm supposed to be at work."

"Then you've worked your last day. You can quit your job tomorrow."

"You can't control every second of my life."

"That's where you're wrong. As long as you live under my roof, you'll obey my rules."

"Fine, then maybe I won't live under your roof anymore."

"And where do you think you'll go?"

"I can live with Aunt Lily or Fletcher."

She flinched at the mention of his name. "Maybe that's the best place for you," she sneered, "with other queers." My breath caught in my throat. I guess that answered the question of whether or not she knew Lily was a lesbian.

"You know," I said quietly, "for years I've felt so guilty about being attracted to guys that I blocked it out of my head completely. It wasn't that hard really since I was still interested in girls, and I wasn't even all that interested in either gender. This weekend, though, it was like having a veil lifted from my eyes, and for the first time in my life I saw things clearly. I had an epiphany as I sat there in church this morning listening to the pastor preach hatred. It felt so wrong that it made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't sit there and listen to it anymore. I had to get out. It's funny how you can't bear the lie once you've been introduced to the truth. Kind of like how I can barely stand to look at you now that I know you lied to me for so long. Oh, and just so you know, I wasn't involved with Skye. I was telling the truth when I said that I barely knew him. I had a great time with him today. I felt freer than I think I've ever felt before, but I don't know him well enough to even call him a friend. But I did kiss him today, and you know what? I'm not sorry."

The look of disgust on her face spoke volumes. "Get out," she commanded in a strangled voice. "Get out and don't come back. You don't have a home here anymore."

I shrugged. "I don't think I ever had a home here." I turned and started towards the door.

I was half-way to the door when she called out, "The car belongs to your father and me. Wherever you're going, you're going there on foot."

I paused for second, then continued without looking back.

I stepped outside to find a wide-eyed Michael waiting to pounce on me.

"Are you really leaving?" he asked me.

I nodded while I kept walking. He trotted along side me.

"I can't believe you're leaving." He sounded a little upset. "Do we really have a grandfather that Mom never told us about?"

"Yes," I said.

"Are you really gay?"

I stopped abruptly and looked squarely at Michael. "Listen Michael, this has been a really craptastic day so if you're just going to add more crap to the pile, I really don't need it. Okay?"

"I wasn't going to add to it," he said with a slight pout. "I don't care if you're gay. Is this what you wouldn't talk to me about last night?"

"Partly," I admitted.

He frowned suddenly. "It's not right that Mom threw you out," he said, sounding angry. "Whether or not she likes it that you're gay, you're still family."

I gave him a small smile. "Thanks, Mikey. It's nice to know someone feels that way."

"I don't want you to go, Jacy."

I shrugged. "I don't have much choice. I can't stay here."

"Where are you going to go? Are you really going to live with Aunt Lily? Who was the other person you mentioned?"

"Fletcher is our grandfather, and I don't know where I'm going."

"How come we never knew about him if he's our grandfather? Why didn't Mom want us to know about him?"

I sighed. "You'll have to ask Mom."

The back door opened and Mom yelled out, "Michael, get inside now!" The door slammed shut again.

"Why can't you tell me?" he asked petulantly.

"It's a long story and we don't have time," I said. "Besides, it's not really my place to tell you."

"She'll never tell me. You know that."

"Then ask Aunt Violet. Or wait until you're old enough to drive and ask Aunt Lily. For that matter, just ask your grandfather himself."

He stared at me few seconds, then gave me a crooked smile. "I'm still gonna see you," he said. "It's not like this is good-bye forever. I'll sneak around if I have to. Aunt Violet will bring me to see you."

I smiled back at him. He'd be okay, I was sure of that. Michael was a fighter. I ruffled his hair one more time and said, "You'd better get back inside before Mom flips and grounds you too."

I started backing away as he turned and started walking back towards the house, his head down, shoulders slumped. He looked like he was walking to his execution. Despite his encouraging words, I knew he was upset. I turned and started for the road but suddenly stopped and spun around.

"Michael!" I called.

He stopped and turned back. I glanced up at the house and motioned him closer. He loped across the ground between us until he was back at my side.

"Use condoms," I told him.

His eyes flew open wide. "What?"

"If you're going to keep screwing around with girls, use condoms or you'll either be a daddy by the time you're sixteen, you'll catch some nasty STD, or-even worse-get AIDS. I'm not ready to be an uncle, and I'm sure not ready to attend my little brother's funeral."

He gulped. "Where do I get condoms?"

"The school nurse can give them to you. Just don't let Mom find them or you'll be living with me." He nodded. "Don't ever mess up," I stressed. "Now go, before Mom comes back out."

He turned away again, but I couldn't let him go just yet. "Mikey?" He stopped and turned around. "Take care of yourself, okay? And watch out for the others. You'll be the big brother now."

"Jeez, Jacy! It's not like you're dying. You're just moving to a different house. You would've gone to college next year anyway. I'll still see you."

I nodded and grinned. He was right. I was being melodramatic. "Yeah. Just...if you ever need anything, you come to me, okay?"

He nodded seriously. He was about to say something else when the back door opened again. "Michael, if you're not inside in thirty seconds, you're grounded for a month," Mom screamed.

"Told you," I said with a forced smile.

"You'd better get going anyway," he said sadly. "It looks like it could rain any second." I glanced up at the sky to see that it had indeed darkened forebodingly.

I gave him a little wave, which he returned, then we turned and walked away from each other-Michael back to the house I'd grown up in, where my old life had been; me towards something new and exciting and scary. I didn't know what my future held, but I knew I wouldn't find it here.

Michael was right. I'd barely made it to the end of the dirt drive before it started to sprinkle. By the time I was a half-mile down the road, the skies unloaded a torrential downpour. I was soaked to the bone in no time. When I finally reached the little combination gas station and general store that stood about a mile and a half from our house, I was so cold my teeth were chattering.

I fished in my pockets for change, but I didn't have any. I would have to call collect. I picked up the phone, but there was no dial tone. What next? I asked myself wearily. I didn't have to wait long to find out. When I pulled on the door, I found it locked. I'd forgotten the small store wasn't open on Sundays. I slumped against the wall and fought back tears. We were five miles from the closest town, and this was the only store between here and there. There was no way I was going to knock on someone's door looking like this. One look at me and they'd be more inclined to call the police than help me.

I was just about to give up and start walking again-five miles isn't that bad, I tried telling myself-when my parents' van pulled into the parking lot. I was immediately on guard, but as the window descended it was my dad's face peering out at me, a concerned expression on his usually impassive face. I was surprised to say the least. Dad was a constant presence in the house, but not a very influential one. He was just sort of there. He could usually be found in the family room, parked in front of the television, newspaper optional. He seemed content to let Mom run the house and make all the important decisions. I often wondered if he had always been that way or if Mom had just worn him down until he stopped caring.

"Get in," he said.

"I'm not going back," I said defiantly.

"I'm not taking you back. She'd never let you in the door. I'll take you wherever you want to go. I'm not going to let you walk in this rain."

It only took me a few seconds to weigh my options. My choices were walk five miles in the rain or get a ride. No contest. I climbed into the front seat, dripping water everywhere. "I'm going to get the seat wet," I said.

"It'll dry. Michael packed you some clothes. They're in the back with your school books."

"Thanks."

"Where to?"

"I guess Aunt Lily's house," I told him, avoiding eye contact.

He noticed me shivering and turned the heat up, aiming the vents directly at me. We drove in awkward silence for several minutes before Dad cleared his throat. "She was only doing what she thought was best for you."

"Please Dad, don't make excuses for her. She lied to us. I'm sure she had her reasons in her own mind, but I don't want to hear them. If Grandma Allen could forgive him and be his friend then Mom should too. She's the one who's always going on about God's forgiveness. She's such a hypocrite."

"Jacy, she's your mother. You shouldn't talk about her like that."

I looked over at him. "She threw me out."

He didn't have anything to say to that. A few minutes later he tried again, "You know we can't condone a gay lifestyle."

"You know what? I think I'd rather just walk."

"Jacy..."

"I didn't ask you to condone anything, Dad. I don't even know what the gay lifestyle is, so how can I ask you to condone it? All I know is that there are a lot of things going on right now that I can't explain or do anything about, and the church isn't going to be a big help."

"What do you mean?"

"Never mind... can we please just drop it?"

The heavy silence from earlier returned with a vengeance. I stared out at the storm-darkened landscape as rain sheeted off the windows. We were almost to Lily's house when a feeling of intense urgency washed over me. I gasped with the sudden wave of emotion. It was so strong that it took me a moment to figure out the source.

"Take me to Fletcher's house," I said. My voice sounded strained even to me.

"What? Who?"

"Fletcher Snyder, Mom's real dad. Please!" I begged. "Hurry!"

"I don't know where he lives." My panic was contagious and Dad was picking up on it even without understanding.

I gave him directions as best I could, and, miraculously, he seemed to understand them. At my repeated urgings, he drove much too fast, especially considering the wet road, but the feeling of urgency just kept growing. By the time Fletcher's house came into view, I was straining against my seat belt. I hadn't known what to expect, but the sight of flashing lights in the front yard hit me like a physical blow.

"Maybe we shouldn't stop," Dad suggested doubtfully.

"Stop," I ordered through clenched teeth.

The van was still moving when I leapt out the door and started across the lawn. I noted Lily's car parked haphazardly in the grass, as if she'd arrived here hurriedly and had tried to avoid blocking the ambulance. There was no one in the ambulance so I figured everyone was inside. With my heart in my throat, I headed for the front door. Just as I reached the bottom step, the door burst open and a uniformed EMT backed out wheeling the front end of a stretcher. My stomach dropped as I recognized Fletcher strapped to the immobilizer. As the stretcher continued to emerge through the door, I stared in horror at my grandfather. His eyes were closed and he looked very gray. He could have been dead for all I knew. Another EMT appeared at the other end of the stretcher. He noticed me as they maneuvered towards the steps.

"Hey kid," he said, "you're going to have to move back so we can get by."

I obediently stepped back and watched as they carefully brought Fletcher down the stairs.

"Is he going to be okay?" I asked.

The technician who'd asked me to move looked over at me. "You family?" he asked. If his words seemed a bit gruff, his voice was kind.

"He's my grandfather," I said, unable to tear my eyes from his ashen face.

"He's going to be all right. Your mom is inside on the phone," he said. "Why don't you go on in out of the rain? We're going to take good care of your granddad."

I didn't bother to correct his assumption about my relationship to Aunt Lily. I simply nodded and started backing towards the door, my eyes still never leaving Fletcher's face.

"Jacy?" Lily's voice suddenly came from behind me. I turned to find her standing in the doorway, cell phone in hand. "What are you doing here?" She looked over my shoulder, and her expression grew even more confused. "Glen?" she asked.

I glanced behind me to see Dad walking up behind me, umbrella in hand.

"How'd you guys hear? I was just calling everyone."

"We didn't get a phone call," Dad said slowly, watching me with a mixture of wariness and respect.

Lily looked back and forth between the two of us as understanding dawned. "It happened again?" she asked me.

"It wasn't the same," I said with a frustrated shrug. I couldn't explain it and I had other, more important things on my mind. "I just knew something was wrong. What happened? Is he okay?"

"Come inside. You're getting soaked."

"I was already wet," I said, but I followed her inside anyway, Dad trailing behind me as if unsure of his welcome.

"They think Dad had a heart attack," Lily said once we were all inside. "They don't know how bad it was yet, or if there will be any permanent damage. They have to run a lot of tests, but they think he'll be okay. I was just getting ready to go to the hospital. Do you want to come?"

"Yes," I answered without hesitation.

"Jacy..." Dad began.

"You can go home," I told him quickly. "I'll get my stuff out of the van."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." I turned to Lily who was watching our exchange with narrowed eyes. "Is it okay if I leave my stuff here for now?"

"Put it in my car and explain on the way," she said, moving towards the door.

Once more, we went out into the rain. The ambulance was just now pulling out of the driveway. I quickly retrieved my clothes and backpack from the van and tossed them into the back seat of Lily's car, climbing in after them. Lily already had the car running so a teary good-bye scene with Dad was out of the questions. Not that it would have happened anyway. She peeled out of the driveway, leaving Dad standing on the side of the road with just his umbrella.

"What happened?" she asked, keeping her eyes on the slick road.

"I don't know. I just felt like I had to get to Fletcher as quickly as possible."

"Not that. I know what happened there. What happened with that?" She jerked a thumb towards the back seat.

"Oh. I got kicked out," I said bitterly.

"You what?"

"Mom kicked me out. We had a fight and I told her I knew she'd lied to me all these years about Fletcher...and that I was gay."

"Holy shit, kid! You've got balls, I'll give you that. What brought all that on?"

I told her about leaving church and running into Skye. She rolled her eyes at the mention of his name.

"I should have known he was involved in this somewhere. Trouble follows that boy around like a puppy."

"It wasn't really his fault. I made the decision to go with him."

She shook her head and I quickly finished the story. "So my sister threw you out," she said with disapproval when I'd finished. "Unbelievable. She still manages to shock me after all these years. Where were you going?"

"Your house?" I said sheepishly.

She threw me look out of the corner of her eye. "Oh really?"

I squirmed in my seat. "I'm sorry. If it's not okay, I'll..." I had no idea what I'd do. The idea scared me. I hadn't even let myself think that far ahead.

"You'll what? Live on the street? Don't be daft. Of course it's okay. You're family and I, for one, will not just turn you away. Besides, it's partially my fault you're even in this mess. I'm the one that told you about your grandfather. I just hadn't planned on having kids at this stage of my life."

"You're not that old."

She snorted. "Thank you for that back-handed compliment."

"What?"

"Never mind."

"So it's okay?"

"Yes, Jacy. It's fine."

We were quiet for a minute. Then I asked, "Will Fletcher really be okay?"

She looked over at me. "I don't know, Jacy. We can hope. He's a strong man."

"The guy with the ambulance said he'd be all right."

She gave me a weak smile. "He's the professional."

We arrived at the hospital a few minutes later and entered through the Emergency Room door. I'd never been in a hospital before, and it didn't take me long to decide I didn't like it at all. Just walking through the door made me feel dizzy. It was like walking into a solid wall of smell, sound, emotion, and pain-each of which was equally palpable. Lily went directly to the nurses' station to ask about Fletcher. I tried to concentrate on what the nurse was telling her, but my head was spinning. I started to feel like I might get sick. I reached out for the counter but missed it and stumbled against the wall.

"Jacy, are you okay?" I heard Lily asked, but it sounded like she was at the far end of a tunnel.

I gasped for air, but everything was going black. The last thing I saw was the floor rushing towards me.

I was standing in a bright meadow. Tall grass waved softly in a gentle breeze and sunlight warmed my bare shoulders. The sky was an impossible blue without a cloud in sight. I had no idea where I was, but somehow this didn't bother me at all. I simply felt a sense of peace.

"Hello, Jacy," a voice said from behind me. I turned to find Fletcher, seated cross-legged on the ground. He patted a space beside him and I joined him.

"Where are we?" I asked him.

"We are in the dream world."

"So, this isn't real?"

"Oh, it's quite real."

"I don't understand."

"You will with time. I'll teach you."

"So you're not going to die?"

He laughed a full, rich laugh. "Oh no! You'll not get rid of me that easily." He studied me for a few seconds. "You're even stronger than I first thought if you found your way here on your own without even knowing it existed." He grinned proudly. "Your first spirit journey!" His grin faded quickly to a frown. "But you need to learn to shield yourself."

"Shield myself? From what?"

"You're a strong empath. All true two-spirits are. Now you just have to learn to control your empathy. You're going to have to shield against all the emotion and pain you feel in a place like the hospital."

"How do I do that?"

"Keep one foot firmly planted here in this place," he said with a smile.

"I don't understand."

"Don't worry. You don't need to understand. You'll just know." He clapped his hands together with anticipation. "Now, it's time to see your spirit animal. Stand up!"

I jumped to my feet just as a shadow began to ripple across the surface of the grass. I looked up to see a huge gray owl swooping in on us. Instead of being startled, I simply felt a quickening of my heartbeat and a sense of recognition. The magnificent bird flew around me twice. "Put out your arm," Fletcher instructed me. I did as he said and the owl settled gingerly onto my forearm. His weight barely even registered as my hair blew back from the wind created by his beating wings. His round, yellow eyes found mine, and everything else just seemed to fade away.

Waking up in a hospital bed and not knowing how I got there was quite a disorienting experience. I remembered arriving at the hospital, and feeling overwhelmed, but I didn't remember anything after that. I gingerly sat up and looked around. I was in a sort of cubicle with walls on three sides and a curtain across the front. There was only one bed in the small room, and I was in it. I glanced down and was relieved to see I was still wearing my clothes at least.

The cacophony of stimuli had receded. It was still there, but the world seemed somehow muted. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and prepared to hop down, but at that moment the curtain was yanked aside. I jumped and let out a startled yelp. An equally startled young Asian woman in blue scrubs stared in at me as if I'd lost my mind.

"I see you're awake now, Mister..." She paused and consulted the chart she held in her hand. "...Elliott." She made it sound like I'd taken a little nap instead of passing out in the middle of the floor.

"Where's my aunt?"

She glanced down at her chart again, then back up at me. "I don't know, but I'll find out for you right after I do a few quick tests to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine," I said. I didn't want to do any tests, I just wanted to find Lily and see how Fletcher was doing.

"Maybe you can just answer a few quick questions," she plowed on. "Have you ever fainted before?"

"No, but I'm fine. If I could just see my aunt..."

"When was the last time you ate?"

I stopped to think. Now that she mentioned it, I hadn't eaten since breakfast. "Early this morning," I said. "See, that's all it is, I haven't eaten today. I'll just go find my aunt and I'll get something to eat."

She sighed, finally seeming to give in. "Okay, wait right here and I'll go see if I can find you aunt..." Another chart consultation provided her name. "...Ms. Lily Snyder." I wondered what she'd do if she lost that chart. "You stay put and I'll be right back." She pulled the curtain closed as she left, ever thoughtful of my privacy.

I waited exactly five seconds before I was off the bed and cautiously sticking my head out the curtain. The good doctor was nowhere in sight, so I slipped into the hallway. A nurse was just coming out of another cubicle, so I asked her for directions to the waiting room. She pointed distractedly towards the end of the hall and a pair of swinging doors. I walked swiftly in that direction, only to find that the doors were not your typical swinging doors. I pushed tentatively against one, but nothing happened.

"You have to use this button," another nurse said as she walked up briskly behind me and smacked a large flat stainless steel button on the wall. The doors swung open, one inward and one outward. Of course, I was in front of the one that swung inward, causing me to jump back out of the way. I quickly followed her through the doors and into the waiting room. I immediately spotted Lily sitting in a chair on the far side of the room staring blindly at the TV in the corner, her chin propped on her fist. She glanced up as I approached. She jumped to her feet and pulled me against her for a hug.

"Are you all right?" she asked. "I hadn't heard anything since they said you'd passed out."

"I'm fine," I said, not mentioning my jailbreak. "How's Fletcher?"

"They're still doing tests," she said, sinking wearily back into her seat. I sat in the chair next to hers. "So what happened with you? Do they know why you fainted?"

I shrugged. "I haven't eaten today," I told her. I wasn't ready to talk about the inundation of pain and emotion I'd felt.

She frowned. "Maybe we should run to the gift shop. They have a little restaurant in there."

"Would it still be open?" I asked. I wasn't really hungry, but I figured I should probably eat something before it really did become a problem.

She glanced at her watch. "I don't know. I'll go ask."

"Ms. Snyder? Lily Snyder?" Someone called before she could stand up.

Lily's head snapped around. "Right here," she said loudly. I turned to find the doctor who'd questioned me back in the room.

"Ms. Snyder, your nephew is awake now..." she began before spotting me. She pursed her lips and gave me a disapproving look. "But I see you knew that already."

"We were just going to see about getting him something to eat," Lily said.

She nodded primly. "That's probably the best thing. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"Is the restaurant still open?"

"Yes," she said after checking her watch.

"Thank you," Lily said.

Lily checked at the nurse's station before we left, but there was still no news. We went to the gift shop where I managed to force down half a turkey sandwich. Lily simply picked at my plate of french-fries. After a while, we both gave up the pretense of eating and simply threw the remaining food away. We returned to the waiting room where, naturally, we waited. And waited. Time seemed to drag by. The TV flickered soundlessly in the corner, providing little distraction. I couldn't seem to focus on the out-dated and tattered magazines. Somehow, I'd managed to shield myself from the worst of the waves of emotion. I could still feel them pummeling against my shaky bulwark, but, so far, it held. While I had no idea how I'd done it, I was quite relieved. Lily offered little in the way of conversation, and I wasn't exactly chatty myself. Eventually, boredom overcame my tension and I began to doze, drifting in and out of a light sleep.

I awoke from one of these brief, restless naps with a start. My eyes were immediately drawn to the wrinkled face of an old woman sitting on a chair diagonally across from me. She was intent on the knitting she held in her lap. Her gnarled, age-spotted hands worked diligently with the soft yarn and needles, creating a beautiful scarf. I'd seen her face in my dreams just moments before. I knew more about her than I wanted to know. She was dying. Her body was full of cancer. I wondered if she knew.

As if she sensed me watching her, she looked up, and her pale blue eyes found mine. She looked at me for a few seconds, then gave me a small smile. She knew. I smiled back.

"Ms. Snyder?" someone said. I turned to find a distinguished looking middle-aged man in a white coat. His black hair and dark complexion bespoke his Indian heritage-Indian as in from India, though, not Native American. "I'm Dr. Sahni. I'm a cardiologist and I've been running the tests on your father."

"How is he?" Lily asked.

"He's going to be fine. It seems he experienced a mild heart attack, but there doesn't appear to be any permanent damage."

"Oh thank God," she breathed. I released a breath I hadn't even known I'd been holding.

"However, he will have to change some of his habits. You're tired right now, though, and we can talk about that later. He's stable for the night, but you can go in and see him briefly. After that, why don't you go on home for tonight? You both need your rest."

"Is it all right if my nephew comes in with me?" she asked, gesturing towards me.

The doctor nodded, noticing me for the first time. "Just keep it brief. When you get here in the morning, just ask the nurses at the station to let me know, and I'll come explain everything to both of you at the same time."

Lily thanked him and stood up. He told us what room they'd moved Fletcher into and pointed us in the direction of the elevators.

As we rode the elevator up to Fletcher's floor, I took a good look at Lily. Her relief was visible, but she suddenly looked very tired and worn, as if the adrenaline that had been keeping her going had suddenly run out.

"You were really worried," I said. I sounded more accusatory than I'd intended.

She gave me a tired smile. "He's old, Jacy. I forget that sometimes. He seems so strong. You haven't known him long enough to understand what I mean, but this was kind of a rude awakening for me. Seeing him like that..."

"You thought he was invincible?"

She gave me a surprised look as the doors slid open. She didn't answer, just stepped out and led the way down the hall. A nurse stopped us with an offer to help that was really just a polite way of making sure we belonged here on this floor. Lily told her what room we were looking for and what Dr. Sahni had told us, and she showed us to his door.

As we stepped into the room I realized I was holding my breath. I didn't know what to expect. What would Fletcher look like? What kinds of tests had they done? Would he have machines hooked up to him like they always did on TV? I trailed behind Lily, who didn't hesitate a second.

Fletcher was lying in the twin to the bed I'd woken up in earlier. They'd given him a private room so his was the only bed there. A blanket was pulled up to his chest; his arms lay at his side. His eyes were closed and his pale face was expressionless. His long white hair was splayed out on the pillow as if it had been arranged. If not for the steady rise and fall of his chest, he could have been dead. I shuddered at that thought. There were other signs that he was alive. An IV fed into his hand and some wires trailed out from under his hospital gown and attached to what I recognized as a heart monitor. A reassuring zigzag made its way across the screen.

Lily walked to the side of his bed and laid her hand lightly on his. His eyes opened immediately at her touch. He smiled up at her, then searched the room until he found me. How did he even know I was here? I wondered, but then decided that maybe he wasn't actually looking for me, but was just checking to see if anyone else was in the room.

"I didn't mean to wake you," Lily said in a hushed voice.

"You didn't," he said. His voice sounded a little weak, but stronger than I had expected. "I was waiting for you and Jacy." So he did know, I thought with surprise.

"Well, we're here now, but we can't stay long-doctor's orders. We'll be back tomorrow though. Dr. Sahni said he'd explain everything then. I'm just so glad..." Lily's voice caught and she stopped in mid sentence.

"The old man's here for a little longer, Lily," he said and squeezed her hand. "So stop worrying. I still have some things left to do yet. Right, Jacy?"

I blinked in surprise. Why was he asking me?

"Now you two get going and get some rest. It's late and if I know my daughter at all, she'll want to be here as soon as visiting hours begin."

Lily grinned. "You know me too well." She leaned down and tenderly kissed his forehead. "See you in the morning."

"See you then," he said. He turned to me and winked. "You too, Gray Owl."

The name sparked a vague memory of a dream I'd had while I was unconscious. At least, I thought it was a dream. Once in the elevator, Lily turned to me with a curious expression.

"What was that about?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I responded, knowing full well what she was asking about.

"Gray Owl?"

I shrugged. "I'm not sure."

She gave me a look that clearly said I knew more than I was saying, but she was letting it go.

I slept in one of Lily's spare bedroom that night. Or maybe I should say I stayed in one of her spare bedrooms, since I didn't do much sleeping. Elmo kept me company, but the super sized dog weighed more than I did and took up more than his share of the bed. Still, I wasn't complaining. It was nice to have some company even if it was of the canine variety. It was strange being away from home and my familiar surroundings, knowing I wouldn't be going back. If that wasn't enough to keep me awake, I had more than enough to think about. Between my epiphany in church, kissing Skye, my spontaneous outing of myself to my family, Fletcher's heart attack, and my strange dream, my poor brain didn't know what to settle on first. It was a long night.

The next morning, I drank several cups of coffee before we left for the hospital, even though I usually never touch the stuff. Lily raised an eyebrow as I dumped cream and sugar into my fourth cup in an effort to disguise the taste.

"Why bother?" she asked, taking another sip from her mug. She took hers black.

"I didn't sleep much," I told her.

She nodded. "That's understandable considering the circumstances. I didn't sleep well myself. Did Elmo snore?"

"A little," I said, looking down to where he lay on the floor, his recently emptied food dish between his paws. He looked up at us as if he knew we were talking about him. "But it was nice to have him there anyway."

"He's taken a liking to you. Not to say the big lug doesn't like everybody, but I've never seen him take to anyone the way he has to you. I think last night was the first time he's ever not spent the night in my bed with me."

I smiled sardonically. At least somebody wants to be with me. Take that, Skye.

"We'd better get going," Lily said after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

I glanced at the clock on the wall. "Visiting hours won't start for an hour. It takes less than half an hour to get there. What are we going to do for half an hour?"

She just gave me a look, and I gave in without further argument.

We stopped in the gift shop on our way up to his room and picked up a crossword book and a few magazines. "If he has to stay here any length of time he's going to be bored out of his skull," Lily commented.

Once on his floor, the nurses at the station were nice enough to let us in a little early after checking to make sure he was ready to receive visitors. Lily sent word with one of the nurses to let Dr. Sahni know we were there.

Fletcher looked much better this morning. Much of his color was back, and he seemed to be in high spirits. We chatted while we waited for the doctor. Lily told him that I'd moved out of my parents' and was staying with her. He didn't seem surprised in the least.

We didn't have to wait too long before the doctor joined us. He quickly explained what had happened to Fletcher, using layman's terms so we could easily understand. He'd had a mild heart attack brought on by high blood pressure and high cholesterol.

"You're going to need to change some of your eating habits," he told Fletcher. "You need to watch your salt intake, and we're also going to put you on some medications that should help lower you blood pressure and cholesterol levels."

"Can we look into natural herbal treatments?" Fletcher asked. Dr. Sahni looked surprised, so Fletcher explained. "I'm an herbalist."

The doctor nodded. "We can certainly look into that if you're strongly opposed to using pharmaceuticals. I'm not one of those doctors who pooh-poohs alternative medicine. As an herbalist, however, I would expect you to understand the importance of eating the right kinds of food. You also need to be checked more regularly. According to your charts, you haven't seen a doctor in almost five years."

"Haven't needed to up till now," he responded with a twinkle in his eye.

"If you had, maybe we could have prevented this heart attack," Dr. Sahni replied sternly. "It's nothing to joke around with. Heart disease is the leading cause of death among Native Americans. Consider this episode your warning. Your body is telling you to start taking care of it, or it won't hold up forever."

Fletcher nodded a little more seriously. "You're right. I understand that I need to start taking more care of myself. I spend so much time looking after the welfare of others that I tend to neglect myself."

"Unfortunately, that's a common problem among healers." I was impressed that Dr Sahni seemed to be giving Fletcher the consideration of an equal. The doctor continued, "You also need to quit smoking." I hadn't even known he smoked.

Fletcher's eyes narrowed at this. "Tobacco is considered sacred to my people."

"Yes, but cigarettes contain over 599 other additives, many of which are harmful, and none of which, to my knowledge, are sacred to your people."

Fletcher grinned. "You've got me there. How about if we compromise? I'll give up cigarettes but I can still smoke tobacco in rituals."

Dr. Sahni grinned. "I'll accept that deal on one condition."

"What's that?"

"That you don't suddenly start having to perform 'rituals' several times a day."

Fletcher laughed out loud and held out his hand, which the doctor shook. "I like you, Dr. Sahni," he said.

"Likewise, Mr. Snyder, but you might want to withhold judgment until I'm finished. I have one more recommendation to make, and you might not like me so much after this one." He paused, for effect more than anything. "I don't want you living alone any longer."

I think we all expected Fletcher to put up a fight on this one, but he surprised us all by winking coyly at the doctor. "Why Dr. Sahni, we've only just met and you already want to move in?"

For a moment, we were all completely caught off guard. Then I broke the silence with a snort of laughter. Dr. Sahni and Lily quickly joined in, and finally Fletcher gave up his little act and laughed along with us.

Once the laughter had died down, Dr. Sahni became serious again. "You really shouldn't be living alone. The next time you may not be able to get to the phone to call your daughter. You need someone who can be there to keep an eye on you."

"I understand what you're saying, Doctor, but I don't have anyone, and I can't afford, nor do I want, a live-in nurse."

"You're not that bad off yet that you need round-the-clock attention. What about your children?"

"They all have families and careers of their own. They don't need to be burdened with an old man."

"You wouldn't be a burden," Lily inserted. "You can stay with me. I have plenty of room at my house."

"I have my herbal business to run," Fletcher insisted stubbornly. "And I don't want to leave my home. You certainly can't leave yours. You have your studio all set up there."

"I could live with Fletcher," I said suddenly, and everyone turned to look at me. "What?" I asked, trying not to blush under all the attention.

"I don't know, Jacy," Lily began. "No offense, but I don't know if having a sixteen year old in the house is exactly what the doctor ordered. And you'd be in school all day so it would almost defeat the purpose. And..."

While Lily was talking, Fletcher watched me with an inscrutable Mona Lisa smile set on his lips. When she paused to take a breath, he quickly stepped in. "And," he interrupted smoothly, "I think it's the perfect solution."

"I think I'll leave you to work out the details in private," Dr. Sahni said quickly, before Lily could respond. "I have some other patients to attend to, but I'll try to drop in later this morning to check on you, Mr. Snyder."

We all said good-bye and thanked him for taking the time to talk to us. Once he was gone, Lily picked up where we'd left off. "Are you sure that's a good idea, Fletcher? It's been a long time since you've had a kid in the house." It was her polite way of pointing out that Fletcher had not raised any of his children. He'd left Grandma Allen when his kids were still pretty young. Fletcher, of course, knew exactly what she meant.

"No, I've never lived with a teenager," he said good-naturedly, "but I've been around enough to know what I'd be getting myself into. Besides, Jacy seems like an above-average example of the species. More importantly, however, I have a lot to teach him. That could be done if he was living somewhere else, but it will be a lot easier on both of us if we're under the same roof."

"You could just move in with me. I have so much room..."

"Lily, you're a beautiful young woman. Don't you think having an old man and a teenage boy in the house might put a crimp in your love life?"

Lily blushed slightly. "What love life? There's nothing to crimp."

"And there certainly wouldn't be if we both moved in with you. I appreciate the offer, but I think Jacy's idea makes the most sense."

Lily shook her head, but we all knew the decision had been made. They were both obstinate people, but in a battle of wills, it was clear that Fletcher would win. She turned to me. "Are you sure you're up for this, Jacy?"

I nodded. It felt right somehow, as if this was what I'd been working towards for the last few weeks...or maybe all my life.

"Then it's decided," Fletcher said with a triumphant grin. "Jacy can move in with me as soon as they free me from this damn hospital." I couldn't help grinning back at him. Lily shook her head again, but even her lips were twitching as she watched the two of us grinning at each other like idiots.

"At least you won't be alone," she said.

"No, never alone," Fletcher agreed.

FINIS

The short story "Never Alone" introduces characters that will be featured in the new Killian Kendall novel, A Change of Worlds -- now in progress on the author's website. Read on for more information.

More about the author:

Josh Aterovis, a twenty-something artist-author, was born and bred on the Eastern Shore of Maryland and lives there with his partner, Jon. Aterovis is a Latin pseudonym meaning "black sheep."

Whenever anyone asked Josh what he wanted to be when he grew up, he always said an author. It got him plenty of strange looks, but he never really expected it to come true; it was just one of those things a kid says. In 1999, Josh's wishful dream became reality when he began to write a story and post it on the Internet. Bleeding Hearts resonated deeply with readers, who encouraged him to seek publication, and in 2001, the story was published by Renaissance Alliance Publishing, Inc. Named the Best Whodunit of 2002 by the Stonewall Society, Bleeding Hearts became the first book in the Killian Kendall mystery series.

Reap the Whirlwind, his second book featuring amateur sleuth Killian Kendall, was published in May of 2003. Josh has completed four books in the series and is currently working on the fifth. He has won numerous awards for his writing and for his web site, which also features his well-received art gallery: www.steliko.com/bleedinghearts.

Email feedback to Aterovis@comcast.net