Never Had A Dream Come True By Nick Shafer Copyright 2003
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CHAPTER 11
As the weeks rolled by, Lee dropped into the routine of an S Club member. Up early in the morning -- either at the apartment, or at his studio room (Bradley was empty now) -- and straight to the gym. Then at about 11.00 there was studio vocal practice for two hours, and then lunch. The afternoon was a gruelling session with Nick, as he put the troupe through the paces of their most ambitious dance routine yet. Should he survive that, then a light supper awaited him at home (all part of Nicks strict diet regime) and then free time in the evening. So much for band high life! Yet, there had been a few interesting moments. He'd had his first press interview today, "The `New Look' S Club 7" for SMASH UK magazine. And he, as the new member, was the focus for all the attention. Really weird questions too, like what his favourite smell was, like people wanted to know that? And then the questions he'd been dreading. The Questions about Bradley. The band became serious, and Paul barely said a word. Lee knew Paul hated interviews anyway, and couldn't stand to see him like this.
Bradley's loss had been haunting him since he started. He didn't like to say anything to the others, but Paul was still having nightmares every night were he screamed Bradley's name. Lee would often spend much of the night with Paul crying in his arms. Jesus, how would he even explain his presence in Paul's room, let alone that! What was worse, he could never find the right words in the morning to talk to Paul about it. He'd always be on the verge of tears, or worse. Lee needed to know what had happened on that day in Phoenix. He loved Paul so much that he would face anything with him, he would go through it with him, but Paul bottled it all up. Justin, now that was another problem, he'd been acting peculiarly ever since he shared a room with Dan. Of course Lee knew that nothing `serious' had happened between them. At least he didn't think so. Shit, he hadn't even seen Justin in days. What sort of friend was he being? He resolved that when he'd spoken to Paul he would have some quality time with Justin.
He needn't have worried really, because as far as Justin was concerned, he was having the time of his life. Any time not spent studying -- hey, the boy had a law degree to do, we can't all be popstars' -- was spent with his new best friend Dan. Dan certainly wasn't a replacement for Lee, but the two got on so well, and with Lee recording all the time, he was the perfect person to chill with. Not, I might add, that anything had happened between the two since the night they met. Much to Dan's disappointment. Justin however seemed relieved that he had found such a good friend, and that Dan wasn't pushing anything on him just yet. He still wasn't sure how he felt about another relationship. Besides, it would only spoil the fun they were having as mates.
Not to dispel the feeling of joy in the Happy Camp that S club has become, I might also add that Jon, far from being his unhappy solitary self, and moping about lost love had also found a new friend. Nick. And since Nick had quickly been accepted into the Club family, the two spent most free time at a local café, or playing playstation in the den.
It was just a shame that their job seemed to interrupt all the fun. But alas, the life of a popstar isn't all glitz -- or so I'm told -- though if you can demand anything you want in your room at a show, its not all that bad. I digress...
" Paul man...look I gotta talk to you."
"Yes Hunnybun baby-wabey love of my life what is it" Paul practically drooled into Lee's ear. "Would you like to go back to the room and we can...chat there"
"Yeah ok, but I'm serious about this talk Paul." Paul snapped out of his funny mood. "What is it baby, have I done something wrong. Is something wrong?"
"No its not that Paul", Lee continued as he closed the door behind him. "Its you I'm worried about. Come sit here with me on the bed."
Lee placed his arms gently around Paul as he sat down. "I'm worried about you." Paul's face clouded over with worry.
"What, what am I doing wrong"
"Nothing, nothing baby. Look it's these dreams. Its about you and Bradley's death. I need you to be honest with me and tell me what happened." Tears began to form in Paul's eyes.
"Look baby, please don't cry. I'm here with you; I need you to tell me everything. I read what the newspapers reported, but it's not the full story. I need to know why you blame yourself. I want you to share this with me so I can help you overcome it, and more than that I want you to know you can trust me and I'll always be here to listen to your problems."
Paul turned to face Lee, who wiped the tears away from his face. "Thank you...I don't know how you can love me so much...It all started...I don't know how to begin..."
"Shhh baby, take it slowly, be calm"
"It was the night after the final shoot for phoenix seven, and we were partying up on canyon ridge...and and" Paul gasped " we all had been drinking and celebrating. Anyway Brad had been in an argument with Jo, he'd called her terrible things. So I went to talk to him. Oh God, if I'd just let him alone..."
Paul broke down, and Lee held him close for several minutes before he could continue.
" And Brad and I argued, and I screamed at him...before I knew it he'd jumped in the car and taken off. He was drunk and...at that time of night and..." Paul collapsed on the bed. And Lee held Paul's head to him, gently soothing him, and stroking his hair. "Its ok Paul, I'm here, its ok." Paul pushed himself up on the bed. His face was streaked with tears. He spoke with a choking voice barely above a whisper. " We never saw him again...and I drove him away...and I'll never ever be forgiven. Because the last words he ever heard were the threats I yelled...and he'll never no how much we loved him." Lee sobbed now, sobbed for all the pain that Paul had bottled up for so long. So much pain, it would have driven anyone to despair.
Paul pushed out the last few words " That's why you can't love me, you mustn't love me. Because I killed Bradley, because I'm a monster. A monster!"
Paul collapsed again on the bed and his tears flowed freely over the pillow. The pillows muffled his gasps and sobs and he shuddered violently. Lee could do nothing but hold him tight.
" You are not a monster Paul. You could never be a monster. Don't even think it. You mustn't. I love you beyond all measure of the heavens. I love you more than anything in this world, beyond anyone. You are my light, my life, my soul, and my inspiration. You are the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I smile as I sleep at night. No- one could ever replace you, and no-one will take you from me." Paul continued sobbing into the sheets.
" You didn't kill Bradley, it was an accident, a terrible accident, but an accident none the less. You are no killer and no monster Paul. You a wonderful person and you have suffered enough. I know with all my heart that Bradley does not blame you. He's watching us all now, and he would want you to be happy, for all of our sakes. To be strong for Jo. She has forgiven you Paul, all have. You have to learn to forgive yourself."
Paul pushed himself level with Lee and looked deep into his eyes. " Could you forgive me, could you live with this monster? "
"Till the end of time."
Paul fell into Lee's arms, and Lee kissed his hair, stroking him gently till his sobbing decreased. And together they fell asleep.
"Well should we call it a night man?"
"Yeah if you want to Just, I'm completely knackered."
" We'll meet up with the others tomorrow for lunch k Dan!"
"Yeah sure...well umm goodnight!"
"Yeah, bye man."
Justin pulled Dan into a hug before ruffling his hair and saying goodbye.
"Goodnight"
"Night"
Dammit' thought Dan. Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit.' Why was Justin being like this? He so wanted to comfort him, and it was so obvious Justin was hurting. And tonight...tonight he'd been glowing Red when he hugged Dan. Red that was passion pure and simple. Yet nothing had happened since that night almost a month ago. Was it him? Had he frightened Justin, was there something wrong with him. He looked down and was shocked to see a darker black surrounding him. Darker than the night itself.
Oh great, he had to get a grip on himself. If he was making himself this angry he could see why Justin didn't want him. `Ah Well, at least we'll meet tomorrow' he thought. Hands in pockets, with an aura of anger anyone could of felt Dan Kyte walked off into the night.
Paul woke first the next morning and looked down at the figure of his sleeping boyfriend. How can anyone love me as much as he does?' he thought. How can anyone be so caring and beautiful and understanding. He IS the most wonderful person in the world.'
Lee snuggled up against Paul, who ran his fingers lightly down his body. Lee smiled and groggily opened his eyes. " Morning baby "
" Hullo sleepy head, you know you look beautiful when you wake up. "
"Yer I know " Lee laughed.
Paul kissed him deeply, pulling their heads together. " I want to thank you for last night" he told Lee. "You've helped me feel much better about everything. For the first time in a year I haven't had a nightmare. For the first time, I can feel forgiven." A huge smile spread across Paul's face, and Lee kissed him on the forehead. "You know I love you Paul, and I'll never let you go." Paul and Lee were the first up, and helped themselves to breakfast before moving to the lounge to watch TV. As lunchtime rolled around Paul, smiling took Lee's hand and lead him out to the balcony. Lee looked into his lovers face, the tearstains from last night had all disappeared, and for the first time in a long time there was a look of calm and happiness.
"This is where we first met" Paul said "when I first ran into the most important person in my life." Paul turned to Lee. "I want you to be with me always Lee, I never want you to leave me. I've got something for you."
Paul fumbled in his pocket producing a small black felt bag. From this he picked out two identical rings, bands of plane silver with a simple hourglass etched into them.
"For you Lee, the symbol of my love, look at the empty hourglass, the time for us together will never run out. Be mine Lee, always. Please." Lee was speechless, and tears appeared in his eyes. All he could do was nod and Paul gently slipped the ring onto his finger, placing the matching one on his own. Standing on the balcony Lee pulled Paul into a kiss, a kiss that said everything. They would be happy, and they would be together forever.
There was a cough from inside. Lee and Paul turned, both with equal horror on their faces. In front of them, just beyond the glass stood the rest of the band. Rachael, Jo, Hannah and Tina stood with a look of disbelief on their faces. Jon seemed to be holding back tears and shaking, whilst beside him Nick just let his mouth fall open. Simon was there too, unable to say a word. Finally just to complete the group an awkward looking Justin and Dan stood shuffling their feet, looking more than embarrassed.
Lee spoke up first. " I guess we've got some explaining to do"
"Oh yeah" Simon finally coughed "Oh Yeah"
CHAPTER 12
Lee and Paul were speechless. What could you say in a situation like this? Lee was in despair, was this it? Was his career, his friendship and his love all over. In just one moment!
"Well", Paul broke the silence. "Lee and I are well...we're in love. And we want to be together."
Paul was expecting the worst. Screaming, insults, anything. But he wasn't anyway prepared for what happened next. Jo stepped forward, took a deep breath and embraced Paul and Lee.
" That's great guy's, I'm so happy for you. I always said you'd be a catch Lee." She added giggling.
Next Tina, Hannah, and Rachael followed suit.
"We're so proud of you."
"That's amazing, you've found love...that's great."
"But.." stammered Lee " what about us being...well you know." He swallowed "Gay"
"The girls looked to each other as if they had considered it for the first time. Jo summed up their combined feelings. "So What. You're in love sillies. You think we wouldn't love you just cause your gay. What do you think this is, the middle ages."
She laughed. " We're not homophobic you know"
"Yeah" continued Tina " we will always love you guys. You're the greatest."
Paul and Lee relaxed a little before turning to face Simon. He had an odd look on his face. It took a moment before he spoke. " Well I'm as happy as the girls for you two" he admitted. " But this is very very complicated. You two must consider your careers. I'm fully prepared to support your relationship...but out of the spotlight. You must understand this. Our target audience...especially with you Paul, and Jon and Lee, is teenage girls. What will they say when they find out their idols, the very boys whose posters adorn their walls and wardrobes are gay. What do you say?" Lee and Paul nodded. Paul spoke up them " Thank you Simon, I don't think we're ready to tell the world now anyway. We weren't really ready to tell you lot yet I guess. But maybe one day..."
" Well" interrupted Simon. " When that one day finally comes we'll overcome that hurdle. Until then I'll remind you both to keep professional in the spotlight and try to control yourselves. Otherwise, I'm very happy for you." Finally he patted the boys quickly on the back before excusing himself to allow the rest of the group to talk. Dan and Justin, who had been previously silent now added their combined consent.
"You know what we think guys" started Justin. "Yeah" said Dan " You know we support you whatever.
Jon, who had been silent since Paul had begun talking finally spoke. "No, I don't believe it. I don't believe you'd do this Paul...No!" Jon uttered a barely audible cry.
"You lied to me Paul, you lied" he screamed, unable to contain is anger and tears.
Paul went white and started gesturing to Jon to be quite. But Lee interrupted. " What wrong Jon, I'm sorry if you can't accept Paul and I being gay but that's no reason..."
"Oh Fuck off" Jon responded. " Don't you think I knew about your precious boyfriend to begin with?" Tears were falling down Jon's face. " Well maybe there's something else you should know..."
"No Jon" pleaded Paul, "please don't"
"Your beloved boyfriend there and I were together before. Yes, just like you. He promised to love me too...and then, and then..."
Jon turned on his heels and ran out of the room, whilst the others watched him in disbelief. The girls could hardly believe it. Jon, he was gay too? And what had happened between him and Paul?
Paul turned desperately to Lee, but Lee was already backing away from him. His hands outstretched as if ready to push Paul away.
"Please Lee, there's more too it, its not like that, you have to understand..."
Lee was shaking his head, and began shuddering, somewhere between laughter and tears. "No Paul, no I don't think so..." Lee too now turned and fled the room. Unable to contain himself anymore.
Nick too was in a total state of shock. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard. Jon, the boy he'd spent so much time with...and Paul. What was going on. Suddenly he felt sorry, sorry for Jon.. And very angry. "Shit man"...he screamed at Paul, "what have you done" He turned to the girls. "I'm going to find Jon" before storming out. But Paul had already collapsed on the floor before he heard any of Nick's words. His whole life had been shattered in just a few seconds. He couldn't comprehend what had just happened. Everyone knew now. And they were happy and then...but it wasn't like that with Jon, that was why he'd been so afraid of telling everyone, he knew now. If he could only make Lee understand. He'd lost him forever, and they all hated him now. Lee was gone. He wanted to curl up and disappear. He wanted to die. He'd hurt Bradley, and now he'd driven the only love of his life away. Forever. Justin hadn't said anything yet, and his main concern was the fleeting Lee. He turned to Dan " I'm going after Lee." But Dan seemed to be having troubles of his own. His hands were clutched to the sides of his head. " Jesus are you ok man" asked Justin.
"I'm fine" replied Dan through gritted teeth. "Just go and find Lee..quickly. There's no telling what he might do! We'll look after Paul"
Justin nodded and then ran, wherever Lee was, he'd find him. The girls had gathered themselves around Paul. But what could they say thought Rachael. They'd found out barely moments ago that Paul and Lee were gay, and that they loved each other and were in a relationship. And then Jon had screamed. And now he was gay too. And he'd split with Paul and hated him and Lee. And then Nick had screamed and disappeared, then Lee. And now, well now they were left with Paul, sobbing on the floor. What could you say?
"Paul, I'm sorry."
Dan Kyte's eyes were still screwed very tightly shut. He really, really didn't want to open them. He was afraid, if he did, it was very possible he'd go blind. Or mad. Or both. And god was his head spinning. Worse, It felt like someone had smacked him in the face with a shovel.
Now, this is not a normal ailment.
The emotions generated by the argument. Love shattering. Deepest hatred. True Love. Deepest desire. Pure anger. Ok, he could handle those emotions one by one. But four people all thinking at once. All of them! In the same room! (And he was very shocked by some that certain people were showing...) It was like he was tripping. The colours. And then, the anger, well he had to stop himself being pushed to his knees too. Yes, his was a great gift, a gift to allow you to empathise with others beyond any imaginable level. But a gift you could control. No, no way at all. Dan took a deep breath, and focused. Physically he pushed outwards with his arms, Calm' he thought,I am calm.' He opened his eyes. There was a green haze around him, whilst jets of black led off to the doors, feint blotches of purple, red and black still hung in the air. And in front of him, doubled up on the floor was Paul, surrounded by darkest blue. `switch off god dammit' Dan concentrated with all his might. A little control would be very helpful right now. Slowly the colours faded. Dan dropped to his knees, cradling Paul's head in his lap. " Oh Paul " he soothed him, "What are we going to do? What are we going to do?"
" Lee where are you, for God's sake, where are you" Justin was running frantically around the complex, he had no idea what was going through Lee's head. Or if he did, he didn't want to think about it. He caught the arm of a secretarial assistant as she tottered past, a bundle of documents in here arms.
"Have you seen Mr Burton go past here", he gaped into the young girls ear.
" Yes sir" she smiled pleasantly. In fact, you've just missed him. He's just been through the lobby. Are you Mr Lloyd Taylor?" Justin raised an eyebrow. " Yes..."
"Oh well that is good" the girl continued to beam politely. "If you'd like to come with me he left a message for you at reception . Something about borrowing a car. By the way, he did seem so awfully upset!"
" Jon, Jon it's me Nick. I know you're here. Please let me in."
No reply.
"Jon, if you don't let me in I'm going to barge the door down"
Nothing
"Jon, you know I'll do it. You've got until the count of 3. 1...2..."
Click
Paul wouldn't speak. Despite any prompting from Dan, he couldn't get a word from his friend's lips. " Paul, why didn't you tell me about this." - Well that wasn't the best line. " Paul, look Lee will come back. He's just a bit angry." - Yeah like understatement of the century. " He'll forgive you. You just need to talk to him. You need to be honest with him" - It'd help if you were honest with me! Paul continued sobbing. " Lee, Lee"
"Girls, could you excuse us" said Justin sitting up. Their confusion and agitation at the situation was plane to see. They were begging to get out.
"Of course" said Tina, feeling somewhat relieved. "Call us if you need us"
"Now Paul", said Dan when they had gone. "What's going on" Dan closed his eyes.
"He did what!"
The secretary handed Justin the note, and a set of keys. They were for a Renault. Lee's car. So that meant that...
"No...not the XKE!" shouted Justin. "I'll never catch him now. And I'd just had the suspension done!"
"Sorry sir?" enquired the eternally smiling secretary. God that was starting to annoy Justin now.
"My 1956 Jaguar XK Roadster (In British Racing Green I might add). Mr Burton has...borrowed it"
Justin tore open the note.
Justin, Can't handle it around here. Its over. What have I done wrong? Home. Sorry bout car! Lee
Oh great. His best friend runs away with a very fast, very expensive car. In a terrible state, his relationship over. Leaving only a 4-line note to explain his whereabouts. There was only one thing for it. Justin grabbed the Renault key and ran to the main doors.
"Goodbye sir...have a nice day" the receptionist called as he left. Justin turned. " Thank you for your help, oh and one more thing." He scowled.
"Yes sir?"
"STOP SMILING!"