INSERT TYPICAL DISCLAIMER HERE (You've read enough of them)
Will and I got along famously as roommates. We would hang out quite a bit, when he wasn't trying to make with a girl, which only happened on Saturday nights. I mean people thought we were inseparable.
We would go to the gym together every morning at 7 am sharp, to keep in shape, we would wait for each other to have supper together and unless ether of us was on a date, our evening plans were often involving each other. It was probably the first time I had a real male friend that I hung out with. In High school, my group of friends were me and six girls. Last semester, I wasn't even that good of friends with my roommate, we were just drinking buddies out of convenience. It was great to be comfortable with a guy enough to talk to.
We would take about so many types of things, like I knew that we lived a half year in South Korea and a half year in Thailand as an exchange student. I knew he really wasn't close to his folks, because they didn't understand his passion to the arts. I talked about myself as well, or at least parts of me before university. He would always try to ask about why I transferred, but I would cleverly (or sometimes not-so cleverly) change the subject.
Will also had taken to confide in me. He really didn't have very many people that he would consider a true friend. That year is Asia really burnt some bridges between his friends and stuff. He even told me that he felt alone on this earth, that he didn't feel he was the most important person in one person's life.
I was totally shocked by this, because Will seems so popular and strong, but that he did have these insecurities make me feel real close to him. I know he wanted me to open up to him that evening, but I couldn't do it. I know Will was hurt even though he didn't try to show it.
One evening, after Will had gotten back on one Saturday around 1am, as was normal for him, we were lying in our beds, lights off just talking like we normally do each night and the worst conversation I have had with him occurred.
" Will, were you scared when you went to Asia on exchange."
"No, I was more excited than anything. It was new, excited, and something I had always wanted. My parents have always been ones to travel, so going to these places is only second nature. What about you JT, have you ever been out of Canada?"
"I was in the US, on my way to school in Quebec. That's about it"
"What was living in Quebec like?" There he goes again, asking questions about last semester.
"It was nothing special, didn't like the French speaking."
"But I have French class with you JT (damn him), I have heard you speak, you are as fluent as anyone I know, so that is bull-shit."
"Bull Shit?"
"Yeah, JT, Bull Shit. I mean, if you don't want to talk about what happened last semester that is one thing, but please just tell me. I know that something big happened, and I am here for you, but I hate that you don't trust me. I mean, I have opened up to you more than anyone that I even had before, and I have got nothing for you."
"It's just so hard for me. You don't understand."
"I guess not, I guess when I considered you the best friend that I have right now, I thought you would trust me a little bit, but all I have got from you is superficial tidbits about your early life." He considers me his best friend.
"Will, I think of you as my best friend as well, and that why I can't tell you about last semester. Everyone I have ever tried to be open with has used it against me, and last semester was so horrible that I don't even like to think about it myself, let alone speak it. I am going to a therapist about it, and I can`t even tell her"
"Thank you JT that was the first real thing I think I have heard you say."
"Fuck You Will, don't look so snug, like you got to me or something."
"What are you talking about?"
"You got what you wanted, now go to sleep."
"JT, what the hell. What did I fucking do? I can't stay here. I am going next door. Call me when you calm down and get over yourself."
With that Will got up and slammed the door. Then it happened. I started crying. It was difficult, and probably the first time I actually cried from the incident then I thought of what my therapist told me. Write what I was feeling in a personal journal. I then started writing in my journal. This is something my therapist said would help me sort out my emotions, as currently I was trying to shut out all emotions, which I am told is unhealthy.
Will was getting a little to close to me, and I was really out of my comfort zone, so I thought this would be a great time to try and sort it out everything I was feeling through my journal. I mean nothing else has yet to work, and I wasn't sure this would work, but I felt so desperate to gain some control I thought I would try it so see how I was doing.
"I really do not know if I understand Will at all. He is a very difficult guy to really get. One on hand, he is really a neat fellow to get to know. He's been an exchange student over the globe in several countries in Asia, and the way he talks, and his perspective in certain issues, leaves you speechless as it so original, and on the mark that you wondered why you never thought of it. Will is a very gentle guy, and would not hurt someone purposely, and for some reason makes you feel like you are the most important person in the world.
However, having said all that, Will sometimes is hard to be around. He makes everyone feel like the most important person, which when it is you is awesome, but when it is someone else, it makes you feel alone.
Will is a double-edge sword, one day you think he is awesome. I mean look at him, he just is very smart, extremely good looking, nice to talk to , and makes you feel awesome. The next day, Will makes you seem small, or unimportant, or whatever it is that makes my insecurities flow. Maybe him being awesome makes me feel insecure.
I know I can't be the best person to talk to. I have a lot of shit, and I guess he must feel that some times I don't even like him. It's just so hard.
I think I am falling in love with Will. I can not fall in love with him. I can not let it happen again. I thought I fell for Trevor last semester, and look what happened. I don't know what to do, because Will is so great but I can't let him know that I have had to refrain from trying to kiss him several times.
I have troubles sleeping, I keep picturing his naked body, and instantly I get hard. He is not shy about his body at all, nor it should be. I just wish that I didn't feel this way.
However, Will and I had a fight, and I know that every time he tries to get me to open up, I use some sort of force field to keep him out. I know eventually he will stop trying and then everything will be different.
The worst part is, is that I am not sure I want things to be different. I mean on one hand, if got fed up and tired then I wouldnt have to try something with him. I wouldnt get hurt. On the other hand, Will is such a great guy, I could be losing out, for nothing more than a great friend.
I FUCKING HATE HIM. He has ruined my life! I mean just one stupid fuck-up and..."
Then I felt that nature was calling and had to leave my room to relieve the bladder. The worst part about living in a dorm was that I had to walk all the way down the hall. The upside was that it was a co-ed dorm and all the other people on my floor were female. Not sure how that worked out, but at least shower time was whenever I wanted.
When I returned back to the room, Will was back hovering over my desk. Wait, why is Will hovering over my desk
FUCK!!!!
"JT, is this how you really feel?"
"What the fuck do you think you are doing?"
"I was coming back to apologize as I felt really bad about our last conversation. Even though I don't understand or know what happened in Quebec, it wasn't right to push you. You'll tell me when your ready, and I will be there when you do, by your side. But when I came back you weren't hear, and it was late and I saw something on your desk, and thought you had wrote me a note. I saw my name and read further. So now its your turn to answer my question?"
"Yes, it is."
"All of it?"
"Yes"
"So you hate me. I thought we were friends. I thought I finally had someone who I could call a friend. I will go to housing tomorrow and ask for a transfer."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I saw the last line in your journal. Its all I really had time to read. It said `I FUCKING HATE HIM!'. I can't stay here if you hate me.
"That wasn't about you, or at least that part. Here, Read it all, then judge me."
And he sat there and read the entire passage. I can't believe I am letting him do this. I had my chance to get out and I blew it. He's taking an awfully long time to read this.
"JT, I really don't know what to say?" as he went over to put on his coat. My eyes were tearing up at this.
"Where are you going? I just opened up a lot and you are leaving?"
"I can't stay here tonight. JT, please get this straight, this has nothing to do with you. I am very flattered of what I read tonight, but I can't stay here tonight. I think we need a night apart. I will be here bright and early to talk to you."
"Fuck Off, I can't do this again. I can't go through this shit again. You're gone to get some buddies and kick the shit out of me again aren't you."
"No, I would never hurt you on purpose, I just need some time."
"Fine, take all the time you need. I just can't promise I will be here when you get back."
"Give me till Lunch to come back please!"
"Fine, but I will be gone at 12:01."
"Goodnight JT."
I said nothing until he left. I dead bolted the door, went back to my bed and cried myself to sleep, wondering how I was going to get through another Trevor, or even worse.