New-Chapter 4
INSERT TYPICAL DISCLAIMER HERE!
So the bus ride off the Island was quite different compared to the bus ride that I took to the island. For one thing, I legitimately felt rested. I mean, with all the sleep that I got at Hugh's, I should. However, with the lack of sleep, came more time to think about what was coming up in front of me.
The bus ride didn't seem that long, but thinking can sure pass time quickly. I pulled out my journal and just started writing. Maybe the first experience didn't work, but I need to sort out what's in my head.
"First, I thought about what I was going to say to Will, but that really wasn't going very well. I pretty much got, "Hey Will, I am back..."and that's where it ended. More than likely he'll be very pissed at me. I mean, I just ran away, didn't tell him where I was going or anything? Oh man, he probably called my parent's home and when they told him I wasn't there or hadn't heard from me, then they'll be worried.
Wait, why am I worrying about Will being pissed? I was still pissed at him. Maybe pissed is not the right word, disappointed is better. I laid my heart open to him, and he crushed it. Well, he really didn't crush it, or I am not sure, maybe he did. I really didn't let him explain. Heck, He's straight and was just figuring out the right way to tell me. That makes sense. Kinda confused why he was screwing around with Michelle, but hey, to each his own.
Here's the part I am having difficulties. I still have massive feelings for Will. He knows about them. This fucking sucks! I am not ready to have myself outted. Wait, Will wouldn't do that to me. However, I still have no idea how I can be just friends with him.
Man, I think I love him. It's not just that he is good looking, he is an awesome person inside, and I haven't felt like this to anyone before. I feel he is the one for me. Man this hurts. This fucking hurts! (I then start shedding a few tears). Why does this fucking have to hurt so much. No, I know I love him. SO what does that mean?
Either (a) I avoid him like the plague. Or (b) just be his friend. Do I cut him out of my life, or do I try to move on with these intense feelings and take any relationship I can have with him. Both options suck! They really really do..."
By the time, I actually got that down; I had arrived back to the Campus bus station. It was dark, so instead of walking back, I hailed a cab and got a ride back to my dorm. Wasn't sure what was going to happen when I got back, but knew that prolonging it wasn't going to help me any and I was just ready to resolve something one way or another.
As I was getting closer and closer to Trudeau Hall, the fear and panic was increasing immensely. Was I strong enough to deal with the rejection that was for sure in my mind coming to me? Would Will even talk to me? Would I be able to deal with him? For one thing, if there is something I hate in this world, it is the unknown. It means that I have to give up control and let other forces come into play in a given situation. In those situations, I am always petrified, because I can not control the outcome.
As I arrived at Trudeau Hall, the panic button inside my head was really sounded quite loudly. "DANGER! DANGER!" But I knew I could not avoid this situation. I walked through the front doors, walk down my hall and arrive to my door. I took a really big breathe, unlocked my door and walked into a situation that I wasn't really ready for, but went in anyway...
Now you would think, with all that lead up that Will would be sitting there and we would have the conversation that I was building up upon. However, something kinda happened, which prohibited that.
"Hey Will, I am back!" as I walked through the door. I got three steps in and saw on my floor was Will and some girl. This time it wasn't Michelle. Oh my god! What the Fuck, it was her roommate Jane. Then I looked around and saw that they were not dressed as I noticed the clothes anywhere, that the room just reeked of sex and that my Mattress and his mattress was put on the floor and that they were screwing on my bed.
JT looked at me and the look he gave me was one of horror. "FUCK!" That was all that needed to be said. He knew it, and I was too hurt, pissed, or something along those lines to make him elaborate. The worst part was that I stood there in shock, like a deer caught in headlights and did not move.
"JT, what are you doing back? I thought you were gone until tomorrow." Not an apology or a voice of concern or anything. Then the rage became the predominant emotion.
"I'm sorry Will. I am the one at fault here. I left, so that meant you could fuck some chick on MY BED! Yeah, I am the real bastard here. I am the fucking one that hurt your feelings." I was really getting mad. I was starting to loose control and get really loud.
"Calm down, JT. I am so Sorry I mean..." I cut him off.
"Now you're sorry. Do you know what type of personal hell I have been through? I open myself up to you, and you have the nerve to try and fucking apologize. I should of Let Michelle's boyfriend beat you up. FUCK!!!!"
"Why didn't you? I mean I deserved it. I mean man. Then you left me, without saying where you are going. By the way your parents are now probably worried about you." As the discussion was become more intense, I don't think either of us realized that Jane had left the room.
"Then JT, you come back and you go all postal on me."
"You fucking hurt me Will! This reminds me all about last semester man. I am so mad I could hit you. I really want to! Man! AAAAAAAHHHH!!
"Come on, do it. If it will make you feel better, giv'er! You are my best friend, and I need you to open up to me. I know it's weird to say, but in this short time it's true. However, you keep yourself so fucking closed to me. You don't let anyone in, especially in. Then when I get a little in, you run away."
"I ran away because I opened up a little bit and you ran to fuck Michelle. "
"Not one of my best moments, but I am sorry."
"Then I come back and find you fucking some other tramp on my bed. How do you think I should react to you?"
"I would be hitting you right now, but see it's so fucked up for me right now."
"WAAAAH! This is such a piece of cake of me. (Gotta love the sarcasm)"
"You don't understand JT."
"Oh I understand, I just don't know how I can get through this."
"But JT. I said I was sorry, what more do you want from me?"
"I want you to love me the way I love you!" There I said it. It was out there. It slipped out. Will was speechless; I was scared and saw several people out in the hall watching our fight. Fuck! Not fucking again. I just fucking outted myself again. You guys all know what happens when I panic, or at least you should be beginning to figure this out. I bolted.
I had no where to run. I mean, most of my friends were also friends with Will, so that was out of the question. It was a semi-warm evening for a January in Atlantic Canada, so I decided that I would just walk around the campus and surrounding town.
I just kept walking, and walking and walking. I had no real destination, but knew any place was better than the dorms. I must have walked for hours, before I looked at the clock and noticed it after midnight. I really didn't do much thinking while I was walking. I was numb, void of feeling, more like a denial of what was really going around. I don't think I could make any sense of it at the time, but knew that I wasn't sure what was going to happen.
Then walking through this park in the middle of city, I heard my name being called in the background. "JT Stop!" I wasn't sure, where it was coming from or who was saying it, as I was confused at everything at the time. A light dusting of snow had begun to fall when I heard it again. "JT! JT!" It was getting louder and louder, but I still couldn't figure out where it was coming from, or who it was. I started to think that I was going crazy, and the voices were in my head, until I felt a hand touch my shoulder.
It was a strong hand, but grasped my shoulder very gently. I turned around to look who it was, and stood there as I examined who it was. I stood there and looked into this gorgeous man's beautiful blue eyes. I could stare at those eyes for ever. I remember thinking that I should be mad, and angry and throw a fit, but there was something different about the look in Will's eyes that seemed to melt me. There was something different about it. Maybe it was the dim street light or something, but I could feel the hurt in his eyes.
"How'd you find me Will?"
"Luck I guess, when you left the dorm, I sort of got dressed and tried to find you. I have been looking for you all this time. Then when I was about to give up my search and go back to the room, something in this park caught my eye and when I looked closely I noticed your bright orange parka, and knew it was you."
"You found me, but Will where does that leave us? I mean, I think I stated clearly how I feel about you, and now I am stuck with these feeling that..."
"What feelings are you talking about JT?"
"You know damn well, what I am talking about'"
"What feelings are you talking about JT?"
"Please don't make me do this Will?"
"What feelings are you talking about JT?"
"That I love you."
Then out of nowhere, before I could even catch my breath from my response, Will had leant over and put his lips onto mine. It was a quick kiss that left me confused, but wanting more.
"What was that Will?"
"I know I may be spending mixed signals JT, but I am scared, all I know is that I feel something that I have never felt with anyone before. It scares me, but losing you scares me more."
With that, we leant in and share a very passionate kiss.
More to Come! Sorry, if this is a little jumbled, but remembering all the emotions that went behind this one was hard to put down on paper.
Feedback always appreciated. Thanks all for your positive words.
JT