DISCLAIMER: INSERT TYPICAL DISCLAIMER HERE
AUTHOR NOTES: In Chapter five, I made a typographical error in which a couple of the readers noticed. It was written in passion, and even my read throughs did not pick it up. Thanks for picking up the error! I apologize, and won't let it happen again. :p
New- Chapter 6
Things were great between Will and I since the night in the park. When we were together, which was almost always things were bliss. I learned so much about him and he learned as much as I would let him about me, as I was still guarded. I still wasn't willing to open myself up fully to Will for several reasons, but all of them stemmed from one thing.
In public, Will and I had to stay strictly platonic. Since, I had came out to Will that night in the dorm, the rumours have been running around quite rampant. No violence, and most people were still ok, however, there still were the occasional "Fag" comments and jokes by the Jocks in business class. Will stated quite sternly that he was not willing to come out, that he was not strong enough to deal with it.
When we were alone together, I never put another thought into it. I was totally into Will and the attention and love he was giving me that it was a non-issue. However, when we were in public, or when we weren't together, the thoughts and insecurities of the issue were starting to bottle up. It was hard to rationalize. When we were in the small cubicle of our dorm room, I felt safe, comfortable and loved, but when we left the confides of the cubicle, I felt very insecure and alone.
We had many discussions of this subject between us. I didn't necessarily want him to come out, I just wanted him not to be so guarded and afraid to be seen near me in public. His response to that was that he couldn't be near me without going ape for me. I know he loves me, but this left me to stay guarded a little to Will. I couldn't open myself up to him yet because he was staying guarded in some aspects to me.
About a week after Valentine's Day was probably our first real rocky moment in the relationship. I was walking back from class from the Business building when I had something hit the back of my head. `What the fuck?', and as I turned around, I saw a couple of my fellow classmates, whom I didn't care for yell "FAG" and pelt me with snowballs. I must have been hit with five or six to the head, several to the body, until I fell to the ground. When the onslaught of the snowballs finished, I looked over to the guys and in my surprise I saw Will over there with them.
I knew he went to High School with those guys, and hung out with them, but he just stood there and let them hit me with snowballs. I looked Will directly in the eye, but he couldn't look me in the face. I heard one of the guys ask Will "if I tried to jump him at night.", but Will didn't respond. He just stayed looking at the ground.
I got up, brushed myself off, and walked over to the group of guys with Will, glared at them, then walked past them all calm and cool, and when one of them yelled something as I was almost in the dorm, I flipped them the bird and ran like hell to get inside before the snowballs were able to come back.
I got back to the dorm room, took off all my winter clothes, and hung them over the radiator, took my clothes off and went in and had a shower. I just stood in the shower, extremely hurt and just kept wondering to myself why Will couldn't support me. I felt so used and tainted. Will was there, and didn't say a single thing to help me.
I then cranked up the shower radio (which by the way is an awesome invention) and just stared at the water coming out of the shower nozzle. My mind went blank, probably due to the overload of the magnitude of the situation that just happened. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. Then coming from the door was three little knocks
"JT you ok?"
I now knew what I was feeling. I wasn't hurt as much as I was angry. Just hearing Will asking me if I was ok made me angry. I turned up the radio even more as I really didn't want to talk to him.
"JT, please talk to me."
Oh now he wants to talk to me. He sure wasn't in a talking mood when we were outside. I am very good at getting myself at being angry.
"Come on JT, we need to talk about this."
He wasn't going to stop until I answered him, so I got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around my waist, put on my flip flops and walked out to see what Will wanted. I walked out of the bathroom, and just stay Will stare at me. He was checking me out, and then I realized I was only in a bath towel. I was pissed at him, and he was undressing me with his eyes. I walked over, got on my bulky robe that I left on my bed and went over to my computer. I wasn't going to make this easy for him at all.
" About out there JT... Let me explain"
"Oh Will, please explain that incident out there. I really want to hear how this one is going to go. Please ravish me with this tale please."
"OK, so I take it your mad."
"Mad is an understatement William. (Wow, I used William) I am just bubbling with rage. I mean I expect it out of your high school Neanderthals that you call buddies, but Will, for someone that is supposed to love me, its sometimes hard to tell."
"Don't go discounting how much I love you JT. I love you more than life itself, its just complicated."
"Poor Will, you lead a very rough fucking life. Is that all your going to say for your explanation? It's complicated?"
"It's hard to explain. I mean I was just hanging out with the guys as you were in class, and then they saw you. They ran to the snow, started making snowballs, and threw them at you. I couldn't stop them."
"You didn't even try. You just stood there and let them. Did at any time say Stop or something?"
"No, but they were only snowballs. I wasn't going to let them hurt you. I would of stepped in then."
I chuckled at that one "Will, I was hurt. It wasn't those assholes though, even though it isn't much of an ego booster, it was my I am not even sure what to call you , `friend' just stood by.
"You mean your boyfriend"
"Is that what it is called? Boyfriend? Sure didn't act like it to me."
"You're not much better JT?"
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"I open myself up to you, and you keep yourself a secret from me. I still don't even know what happened in Quebec, which seems like one of the most important things in your life. But you are afraid to share it with me."
"Oh so now it is my fault."
"No, that's not what I meant. its just that..." I cut him off.
"Can you fault me for not trusting you with this after what happened today. I am so insecure because sometimes I don't know where I stand."
"Bullshit. I love you JT, and I know you know that. You are just afraid."
"Do you want to hear what happened? I'll fucking tell you."
So I explained to Will the details that I had dealt with last semester in Quebec. The beatings, the betrayal by Trevor, the constant harassing and torture, the solitude of everything, and I broke down and cried. I think for the very first time I let all of what happened out and just cried. I could finally release all of the feelings and emotions that I had to bottle up just out of mental survival.
The brain has always been a mystery to me. I am not sure, how it can close parts of you down when it is necessary to function, but that's what it was to me. I knew what happened, but I think I was in denial of my feelings of the incident. After the worst bit of crying occurred, I looked up rubbed my eyes and saw Will over in his chair with tears in his eyes.
When I looked into his blue eyes, I could see right through him. I could see the hurt, the pain, the sorrow of everything and I know by how we was looking at me, he could do the exact same thing to me. He stood up from the chair, walked over to me, grabbed my hand and had me stand and put his arms around me tight and gave me a hug. This wasn't your typical hug, this was a tight squeezing, love affirming type of hug. As we were hugging the sobbing continued between the two of us. I felt so connected to Will at that time.
To be completely honest, I never truly knew what was making him cry. I never asked him, and it never came up. Was it the shame he felt? Was it the reaction to my story? Was it something else? I don't think I will ever know what it truly was. All I know, I was in this moment of sadness, which turned around to being a moment of beauty.
Nothing more was needed to say that night. I knew Will was sorry for the incident, and I knew that I couldn't push Will to being with me in public just because I wanted it to happen. He needed to be comfortable with it. It would take some time, but as I was hugging him, I felt like we were one person. It's weird to say, but it's true.
It happened to be only about 7pm that evening, and we totally skipped supper, but we were drained. We got undressed, put our bed down on the floor and laid with each other until we fell asleep.
Will was so clingy that evening. He needed me more than I thought possible. I knew that there was some issues wracking his brain with him, and that it wasn't going to be easy. But let's face it, university hasn't been that easy to begin with, so why should this stop. This is the beginning of something great, which I knew I had to see through.
NOTES: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I enjoy the feedback I am getting. The stories are also posted at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freegaystories/