Please, don't forget to donate to Nifty as to keep this site free.
When Jimmy heard Jared had been to hospital for a cardiological problem, he was home in a very short time. We even suspected he had driven faster than the speed limits. He barged into the house and directly went to the first floor to Jared and Joe's apartment. Jared was flattered with Jimmy's concern. It was true they had been very close all these years and they had bond together like no-one else. From our apartment we could hear very loud noises of people being in an animated discussion. It was not a joyful discussion and as we had never heard voice getting that high, Jack and I went upstairs.
We had never seen anything like that before: Jimmy was having an outburst and was yelling at Joe. We understood quite quickly that Jimmy didn't pick it that he had not been warned from the first moment on. It was the absolute first time that we saw Jimmy mad and it was not a nice sight. His shouting was totally NOT the Jimmy we knew. Strangely enough, Joe stayed calm and looked him straight in the eyes, as if he was waiting for Jimmy to stop shouting, till he had used up all his energy. We had no idea how much time that would take as Jimmy had never raised his voice in any circumstance.
Joe, Jared, Jack and I were stunned and actually didn't know how to react. It is only after Jimmy's last sentence that we were totally flabbergasted.
-You stole him from me !
After that last shout, Jimmy fell on his knees and started to cry like we had never seen him crying. The only one of us four who seemed to understand what was happening was Jared.
-Can you guys leave us alone for a moment? Yes, Joe... you too!
We respected Jared's request and left the room to go downstairs, followed by Joe who tried to explain us what had happened exactly. To make a long story short, Jimmy was furious that something had happened to Jared and that nobody had even called him to tell him Jared was in hospital. Joe looked quizzically at us.
-Am I missing something here? Is it common knowledge that Jimmy has a crush on Jared?
We couldn't believe our ears and didn't know what to say.
-It is obvious to me, Joe said, but I would hate it to be the last one informed...
-That's why Jimmy is so upset, Jack answered, because he was the last informed about Jared's health condition...
Oops! That was slamming the nail with a hammer at the precise right time I would say. But Joe was not the only one who had made a mistake by not warning Jimmy. I had as well and if Jack had not mentioned that Jared had come out of the hospital, Jimmy would never have known. We had all three forgotten to tell Jimmy and we all three realized it then. What was bothering me most of all was not that we had not called Jimmy, but his last outburst about "You stole him form me".
It was a fact that Jimmy had never mentioned anything at all about his inner feelings. We had no idea if he was gay or straight. He was always with his nose in his books and constantly learning new things, that it didn't even came up in our minds to ask him if he had friends or better, if he ever fell in love with anybody. We had failed as parents in that aspect. We should have been more concerned about his life outside his academical education.
It was true that Jimmy and Jared had passed almost more time together than what Jimmy had spent with us. Jared had been like a big brother to Jimmy. After his outburst, we had to face something else. It was obvious Jimmy had a crush on Jared. Did Jared know before today? We had no clue about that, but he certainly had understood immediately what was going on with Jimmy when he acted like never before. Jared had been wise enough to send us away and talk with Jimmy in private. They seemed to have quite a lot of things to tell each other as time went by and Joe became more and more anxious. For him, it was also the first time Jared didn't include him in a very serious conversation. Joe understood why, but nonetheless was getting nervous by the minute. He wanted to go upstairs to know what was happening, but we wisely told him it was better not to do so. If indeed, Jimmy had a crush on Jared, they had a lot to talk about. If Jimmy had kept his feelings to himself all these years, Joe had to respect that because it meant Jimmy respected the relationship between Jared and Joe.
It was about two hours later that we heard the entrance door slam and that Jared entered our place.
-Jimmy went back to his place. He has a lot to think about and this time it is not in a scientific way. For the first time he has to deal with very deep and sincere feelings. When he said that you stole me from him, I understood immediately, but didn't want to talk about it in your presence. I wanted to know what is going on in Jimmy's heart and mind....
We couldn't do anything else than to keep silent. Jared seemed to gather his thoughts and tried to find the appropriate words to explain the whole situation to us. We could easily guess it was complicated.
-To start with, you have to know Jimmy is gay indeed. Many years ago he expressed that to me. It was not that he wanted to hide it for you, but he asked me not to say anything till he was absolutely sure about himself. He admitted to me that he often pretended to not understand something so I would stay a longer time with him. Over the years he developed a real and sincere crush on me, but never told me. When I met Joe, Jimmy enclosed himself even more in his studies as to not be faced with his feelings. The only goal he had, was to make us all proud of him so we wouldn't question him about his feelings. He had even prepared his answers in such a way that we would have believed him without questioning those answers. He told me that it was a relief for him to go study far away as to not be confronted with me and having to see I am happy with Joe.
My God! Jimmy had a very adult position towards life, but at the same time he struggled with feelings. He had a high IQ, that had been proven, but his emotional side was that of someone his age indeed. He was still very young. We suspected that he would be like in all other situations: analyzing rationally what was coming over him and making the appropriate decisions. The eternal problem fell on him : the struggle between rationality and emotions. He had hidden his feelings very well and Jack and I, as parents, were not really proud about that. We thought we had educated him to feel free to talk about every and anything. It seemed we had failed in that department. Jimmy had not felt comfortable enough to talk about the feelings he was developing towards Jared. It was Jared's passage in hospital that had brought everything to the surface... our failure as well.
That night I didn't sleep well at all. The whole situation and the desperate shout of Jimmy, played over and over in my head. "You stole him from me!" I didn't know how to react, I didn't even know what to think. Why was it that Jimmy had not confided in us? What had we done wrong? I thought we had taught him to be open and honest about things and suddenly we realize he had hidden something so important as his first love. He had told Jared, specifically insisting NOT to tell us. We recognized Jared's loyalty, but it hurt nonetheless. Jimmy knew we would not be mad at him if he admitted his sexual orientation. Jeez, he had been confronted with homosexuality from the age of six. What was going on in his head to hide that information from us? Was it the fact that he fell in love with Jared? It had to be. Jimmy had so much admiration for Jared. They had been together almost all the time since his early age. Jared had always shown a certain kind of love, but it was never sexual. Jimmy admired Jared and that feeling was totally reciprocal. Jared often told us how he admired Jimmy and how the kid's mind (at that time) was so perfectly wired.
In the morning Jack saw immediately that I had not slept well at all. He tried his very best to calm me down and reassure me that we had done nothing wrong, but he couldn't convince me. I really felt guilty. We talked about it over breakfast and Jack didn't seem to acknowledge a failure from our part, even when I insisted that Jimmy asked Jared not to tell us anything. I wondered if Jimmy had more trust in Jared than in us. Jack tried to talk me out of that saying that Jimmy told Jared about his being gay because he was already in love with Jared. How many kids tell their parents about their first crush? I had no idea about that. It just hurt to think Jimmy didn't trust us. Jack had to rush because he had to be at work, but I didn't. I knew that I was going to Jimmy and try to solve that problem. It was not going to be easy. Not only had Jimmy in a spontaneous streak of anger admitted his love for Jared, but now I was going to ask him to explain why he didn't trust us. Even though Jimmy was advanced for his age, he was only twenty and apparently still a very young man and not adapted yet in the department of feelings.
I drove to Jimmy and found him at home. I had the key to his apartment, but didn't use it. I knocked at the door to give him time. When he opened the door, I could see he had been crying.
-Dad...
It was obvious he didn't expect me at all. I hadn't warned him about me arrival anyway. I took him in my arms and hugged him, trying to make him feel safe and loved. He clung to me like never before and started crying again.
-I'm so sorry Dad...
-You don't have to be son.
-I guess I owe you an explanation...
-If you want to, you can indeed although I have a few questions you probably don't expect.
We sat down at the table and he offered me some coffee. Once we both had a steaming mug in front of us, he looked at me with defeated eyes.
-I want you to know Jimmy, that we love you very much and that we are so proud of you. The only thing that hurts a little is that you didn't come to us with the struggle you had about your feelings. Don't you trust us? Your Daddy and I have always been there for you, didn't we?
Tears flowed steadily from his eyes.
-Dad... I trust you and Daddy very much. I guess Jared told you I told him I thought I was gay and asked him not to tell you and that's why you have that question right now, right?
I just nodded.
-I made him promise not to tell anything, but that was a very long time ago. I was not sure at all about my sexual orientation at that time. I wanted to be sure before telling you. It was not a question of trust at all. When I told Jared it was because I already knew I was falling for him, but I didn't tell him that. I just hoped the feelings would be mutual and that we could live our love. Thinking about it, I told him I was gay when I was fifteen and knew he could get in trouble if we had something as I was a minor. I decided for myself to wait till I was legal and not bringing him any harm, but as you know, meanwhile he met Joe. It was then that I decided to put my feelings apart, silently hoping Joe would be a temporary thing.
Oh my... Jimmy had suffered and been altruistic at a very young age. He put his own feelings apart to let Jared live his life and love. He couldn't know at that time that Joe and Jared's relationship would become that strong and permanent. He suffered in silence and didn't tell anybody about it. I had to tell him.
-Jimmy... listen! I want to apologize to you. I feel so guilty for not being the Dad you needed at that time. Jack and I thought we had educated you in total freedom of speech and that you would be able to talk about anything at all. It is obvious we failed and that 's why I want to apologize.
-Oh no Dad... Daddy and you didn't fail at all. If someone has to take the blame, it is me. I failed in trusting you where I had no reason to do so and I am so sorry for it. I was a fool to think Jared would have an "affair" with Joe that wouldn't last long. I was stupid to not express my feelings, but as you know, there is quite an age difference between us and it was certainly inadequate to think my feelings would fade with time. My feelings became even stronger when growing up. So please, don't feel guilty at all because you have no reasons to. I had the most beautiful childhood and youth with Daddy and you. I couldn't have wanted for anything better and I will never be able to thank you enough.
Jimmy came over to me and just as if he was a little kid, he would sit in my lap and put his arms around me neck, hugging me and showing me how much he loved us. We stayed like that for the longest time. After a while he realized he was no kid anymore and got off my lap. Yes, indeed, it was heavy to have an adult man sitting on me, but I didn't mind. For me he would always be my little kid.
-So, tell me Jimmy... you really have a crush on Jared?
-No Dad, it is not a crush. I really love him and I can tell you that I'll wait the necessary time for him. I was dead worried when Daddy told me he had been in the hospital and that's when I realized he was the man of my life.
-But Jimmy...you know Jared is in a committed relationship with Joe, don't you?
-Yes Dad, I know! For the moment I am too absorbed by my studies anyway and have no time for a relationship, but I know my time will come. My heart tells me so. I'll accept to have a sex-buddy or two meanwhile, just to have some sexual experience and release, but in my heart I am with Jared.
-Aren't you afraid that you will get really frustrated by seeing Joe and Jared happy together?
-I already am Dad and I can live with that feeling. I can be rational enough to finish the degrees I want to have and then look for the job I always wanted to have. I am rational enough to put my feelings apart and not be miserable about not having the love of my life yet. Didn't Daddy and you tell me that when you have a dream, you have to go for it? As soon as I have my degrees, I'll go for my dreams and I will have them.
Jimmy once again surprised me to no end. It was so obvious he had thought it all over in details. He knew what he wanted and was going to go for it. That night, when Jack was in my arms after making love, I told him the conversation Jimmy and I had. Jack was not really surprised. He always knew Jimmy had a very strong mind and was going to fight for whatever it was he wanted.
Jared dropped by one afternoon while Jack and Joe were both at work. He was worried and concerned about Jimmy and the love he had declared so clearly. I wanted to be discrete about it all, but gave him nonetheless some pieces of information Jimmy had given me, without all the details. Jared seemed uncomfortable. He loved Joe from the bottom of his heart, but he liked Jimmy as well. He knew that his heart was big enough to love two people at the same time, but the love for Joe was one thing, and the love for Jimmy another thing. Jared was throw between two lovers although nothing had happened yet with Jimmy.
What advise can anyone give to a very good friend? I was thrown between the love I had for my brother and the love I had for my son. Jack was more pragmatic about it and told me that things would come into place like the pieces of a puzzle, in due time. He was right of course, but I feared the pain that could be caused by the love they all felt. Even though I was not directly concerned, I was scared about the outcome. That was of course if Joe and/or Jimmy wanted monogamous relationships. Jared would be trapped in between of them. It was so strange that such a wonderful feeling as love, could hurt at the same time.
Jared knew what he had with Joe and what he could have with Jimmy was more than a question. First of all because their age difference, but more than that because the relationship they had up till the moment that Jared knew how Jimmy felt about him, was purely an educational relationship. But... Jared's feelings were in total confusion. There was no way anybody could help him with his dilemma. He would have to sort it out by himself. It was not that he was ungrateful for the happiness he knew with Joe, because that was simply the best. Jared knew Joe was perfect for him... On the other hand he had so much feelings for Jimmy that were based on other foundations.
Joe tried very hard to find a moment to talk to me in private as well. What was I for the guys? A psychologist? Anyway, Joe expressed his concerns about Jared and thought he was going to lose Jared. To say he was devastated was an understatement. He was seriously preoccupied. That was it! PRE-OCCUPIED, meaning he was worried for something that had not even happened. Jared had not left him. Joe had developed feelings for Jimmy as well, but not as strong as Jared had. What happened with Joe was that he was afraid Jimmy would hate him from now on and that made him feel sick. He had never thought for a second that Jimmy had a crush on Jared and Jimmy didn't even enter que equation when Jared and he started their relationship.
We talked extensively about the problem at hand, to the point we didn't even see the time fly by. Suddenly Jack was already home after his work-shift. As I didn't want to hide anything to Jack, I told him what our conversation was all about. Jack was a lot more pragmatic in this kind of situations. He analyzed the information he received. It was obvious he had talked to Jared as well. Seeing how devastated Joe was, Jack didn't want to enter a discussion about who had to do what. His pragmatic mind came to a conclusion and he said it out loud.
-If you can't beat them, join them!
To be continued... IF ....
This story is interactive. This means that I wait to read your comments and see how YOU want the story to go... Let me know at amahy1957@gmail.com
Thanks for the great comments guys, but please... tell me how you want this story to go on. Have not gotten a lot of response lately, meaning, I guess, that the story doesn't appeal to you guys. If it doesn't wake up interest, I don't see the use to put more energy in it... and that will mean the story will come to an end.