Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:
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If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here.
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The X-Men and any related characters are property of Marvel Comics, trademarked and registered and copyrighted and all that. I'm using them without permission.
For those who read the comics and worry about such things, this story takes place in the (much simpler and easier to follow) Ultimate X-Men universe, and starts right around issue 54.
Comments can be sent to "dustyh75@hotmail.com"
Thanks.
Seth gave his hair a quick drying, fluffing the towel around his head and then wrapping it around his waist. Reaching out with one hand, he swiped the steam off of the mirror and leaned forward to brush his teeth. Even though Reed and Sue had both sworn that he and Jean were fine, and that there was no trace of the creature, Seth couldn't shake an oily, plastic feeling on his skin, as if there were a film over him that no one else could see. It was in his hair, in his ears, and even in his mouth, or, at least, it had been until he'd taken what was probably the longest shower of his life. Even though the washcloth had come away clean and the water draining into the bottom of the tub all looked clear, Seth was convinced there had been something there, even if it was only some kind of Lady Macbeth psychosomatic guilt dirt. After brushing and Listerining three or four times each, he felt clean enough, and opened the door back to his room.
Peter was stretched out on Seth's bed in jeans and a plain white t-shirt, flipping though a magazine. His shoes were neatly placed next to the door, and when he saw Seth his face broke into a wide smile.
"Hey," Seth said shyly, suddenly realizing that he was just wearing a towel.
Why did every shirt of Peter's seem like it was three sizes too small and custom spray painted onto his pecs? Not that Seth minded the view.
"Hello," Peter said, closing the cheesy tabloid and placing it back on Seth's nightstand. Since Seth still wasn't allowed off the grounds, he was reduced to grabbing leftover magazines from everyone else around the house, which meant that he had a pretty steady supply of Glamour, US Weekly, and Bobby's video game magazines. Peter waited as Seth stood uncertainly in the doorway of the connecting bathroom, absently running a hand through the wet spikes of his dark blond hair. The gesture made his arm bulge, the bicep flexing, and Peter noticed approvingly that the past few weeks of working out and training were already having an effect on Seth. His slim, runner's body was looking a little tighter, all the lines a little more defined.
"I, um," Seth began, wondering why he felt so nervous all of a sudden. This was Peter, after all. They'd just kissed in front of everybody downstairs about an hour ago, but now that they were alone together Seth felt suddenly shy and awkward. Some of it was the way that Peter was looking at him, his eyes wide and flirtatious and appreciative like they had been on that first trip the two of them took together, and some of it was that this felt the same way as the beginning of that had. It was the same tentative sense of being careful with each other, the same kind of feeling each other out. "You said you were going to go get out of your uniform, and I, um, I guess I didn't realize you were coming right back."
"I could go, if you want," Peter began, sitting up, but Seth held up a hand.
"No, I'm sorry, I just, I don't know," Seth said, shrugging. He smiled shyly, his bright, clear blue eyes dropping to the floor for a second. "I guess I'm just surprised that we've been together for over an hour and haven't yelled at each other of stomped off."
They both chuckled, and Seth worried for a second that things were already becoming awkward between them, that the easy togetherness they'd had since he and Jean came down from the astral plane was gone as quickly as it had appeared. Peter's easy smile, his broad face lighting up as he stared at Seth, quickly put that fear to rest.
"I was worried about you," he said, sitting up as Seth walked across the room to the dresser. "You were in the shower for a very long time."
"Yeah," Seth agreed softly, pulling a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt out of the dresser. He finally had enough clothes to need more than one drawer, but not nearly as many as Peter, whose room was a virtual catalog of the last two seasons of several high end designers. Seth turned back to Peter, holding the flannel bottoms. "Could you, um."
"Hmm?" Peter asked, his eyebrows raised curiously.
"Could you cover your eyes or turn around or something?" Seth asked, blushing. With his naturally pale skin the blush traveled from his face down to his neck and partly across his chest, and he reddened even more when he saw Peter's eyes tracing the spread.
"We have, uh, seen everything, have we not?" Peter asked, smiling mischievously. His mile faded a little, the teeth disappearing into a mirthful, closed-mouthed grin, as he saw the expression on Seth's face.
"I know," Seth agreed, still blushing. God, this was horribly awkward. He could just drop his towel and get dressed, because Peter had indeed already seen and touched everything under it, but he didn't want to. "I just, last time, I think we moved too fast. We were on a plane, we were in a fight, and then we were naked in the shower. It was like we had an entire relationship in about day, and I think that was part of the problem. This time I'd like to, I guess, you know, take things a little slower. Maybe we could save the naked time for, I don't know, tomorrow? Does that sound stupid?"
Peter shook his head, still smiling.
"No, not at all," he answered, covering his eyes with one hand. "Tell me when you are decent."
"I think I'll settle for when I'm dressed," Seth giggled, dropping the towel. He stepped quickly into the pajama pants and pulled the t-shirt on. Feeling that his hair was a little damp, he began to towel it again. "Dressed."
Peter's hand slid down, and his dark blue eyes fixed on Seth's face again.
"The Professor came by while you were in the shower," he said, his face a little more serious.
"What did he want?" Seth asked, leaning back into the bathroom to hang the towel up. He was pretty sure the Professor had never actually been to his room before. Now that he thought about it, he'd never seen the Professor on the second floor, much less in anyone's room.
"He advised me to make sure we took proper precautions," Peter answered haltingly, feeling himself blushing now.
"Are you kidding?" Seth yelped, bouncing out of the bathroom. He jerked to a stop when he saw Peter's face. "Oh my God, you're not."
Peter shook his head, almost shuddering at the memory. He had never in his life imagined that the Professor would discuss sex, much less the homosexual kind. He hadn't really said much, actually, just raised his eyebrows in that smug Professor X way when Peter said that Seth was in the shower and then mentioned that he hoped the boys would take the proper precautions should they decide to explore a relationship as it seemed that they were planning to. Peter couldn't have been more surprised if the Professor advised them to be careful dousing the mansion with gasoline and setting it on fire. He couldn't imagine a more alien string of words coming from the Professor's mouth.
"What did he say?" Seth squealed, his voice rising. "Oh my God, you're blushing! Was it terrible? Like really awful? Was it like a sex talk with your dad?"
"I," Peter began, looking very serious suddenly, "never had a sex talk with my father."
"Oh," Seth said softly, wondering if he'd hit a sore spot. He had never asked Peter about his parents. He knew that Peter came from a large family that worked in some sort of farming collective and that Peter sent money to them on a regular basis, but didn't really know what kind of relationship Peter had with them. Maybe Peter didn't know his father, or didn't get along with him, or didn't have the kind of relationship with him that included sex talks. "I never did, either. When I told my parents I was gay, my mom started talking about diseases and stuff, and I told her I'd be careful, but that was it. They never really brought it up again."
Seth stood uncertainly by the bed, his fingers plucking imaginary lint off of his shirt. They'd been laughing and joking, and now everything was so serious again. Worse, now that he'd talked about his parents, he had that same sinking feeling inside that he always did when he thought about them, a mixture of grief and regret and guilt. Peter caught the flash of it on Seth's face, the sudden shadow passing over him and darkening his eyes, and held out a hand to him.
"Come here," he said softly, patting the mattress with his other hand. "There is room on the bed for both of us."
Seth took Peter's hand, feeling the way it closed over his own, almost enveloping it. Peter was so much bigger that Seth always felt dwarfed by comparison, even though he wasn't really that small himself. Peter tugged gently, pulling Seth toward him with a soft smile, and Seth followed limply, allowing Peter to guide him down onto the bed. He didn't realize how much he needed a hug until after he felt Peter's arms folding around him, but he did. Everything that had happened earlier still had him shaken and uncertain inside, and he felt mildly off balance, as if someone had shaken his brain a little like a snowglobe, leaving all the thoughts to spin and drift before they settled back down. They ended up stretched out, with Peter sitting up against the headboard and Seth's back to his chest. Peter's legs were stretch down on either side of Seth's lithe, thinner ones, and Peter's thick arms bulged around Seth, cradling him in a warm circle of muscle. Peter's head rested just above Seth's shoulder, and he turned, nuzzling the side of Seth's neck while Seth let out a noise that was almost a purr.
"Mmmm," Peter sighed, close enough for Seth to smell his cologne. "You smell very clean and shiny."
"And you smell very Calvin Klein," Seth chuckled, his body trembling a little as Peter chuckled behind him. He felt very safe, suddenly, very protected, as if he'd been enveloped in Peter.
"Are you comfortable?" Peter asked, his hands slowly stroking Seth's forearms, brushing over the soft blond, almost translucent hairs. He felt goosebumbs run up and down Seth's skin, and worked at smoothing the ones on his arms away.
"Very," Seth sighed, closing his eyes. This was so different from Scott. Sure, there was kissing and touching, but Scott's was always quick and urgent, the kind of kissing that only happened because it was on the way to getting off, and there wasn't any cuddling. Sure, he could feel a warm lump in Peter's crotch behind him, especially leaning back like this, but it wasn't hard. Peter obviously had other things in mind, and Seth was fine with that.
"As I was saying," Peter continued, "my father never had a sex talk, as you put it, with any of us. We lived in a small house with thin walls, and I was the oldest of many children. Aside from that, we lived on a farm, with animals. There was no need for a sex talk because I already knew the basics before I was having sex."
"I can't believe the Professor came by to tell us to have safe sex," Seth said, laughing. "Did he think we were going to run upstairs and start going at it?"
"It is what everyone else here does," Peter answered, kissing Seth's cheek. "That is not the reason he came by. I believe that just happened to occur to him when I told him that you were in the shower."
"I guess he's good at putting two and two together," Seth said, snuggling back again. He could feel the two thick lumps of Peter's pecs against his back, and the rippled ladder of Peter's abs, and he couldn't get enough of the sensation of rubbing against them. He was starting to think that he shouldn't have put a shirt on after the shower, but then he remembered that they were taking things slow. "What did he come by for, then?"
"He wanted to know if you were all right," Peter answered, hugging Seth tighter as he felt him stiffening. "You are not all right. Do you want to talk about it?"
"I'm not really sure what to say," Seth sighed, closing his eyes. "I mean, I guess we did what we had to and all, but I just feel, I don't know."
"Guilty?" Peter suggested, his voice soft.
"I shouldn't," Seth said, nodding. Peter continued to hold him tightly, waiting, not pushing him. If Seth wanted to talk, he would talk. If he just wanted to be held, Peter would hold him. When Seth spoke again, his voice was a little unsteady. "Can I ask you something?"
"You may ask me anything," Peter answered simply.
"Have you ever killed anyone?" Seth asked. As soon as he asked it he felt Peter stiffen a little, tensing up, and he wondered if it had been a bad question. "Nevermind. You don't have to answer that. I shouldn't have."
"Yes," Peter answered, cutting Seth off. "I said you may ask anything, and I meant that. I have killed several men. Three of them were before I joined the X Men, when I was younger."
"On the farm?" Seth asked, smiling, but Peter's voice was cold and serious when he answered.
"No, not on the farm," he said softly. "I have not always been a hero, Seth. Before I joined the X Men, before anyone knew I was a mutant, I did what I had to do to support my family. Russia is very different from this country. Here, people have so much, and there, people have very little. As I said, my family is very large, and when I was old enough I left home in order to help my mother and my brothers and sisters."
"Kitty said you were in the Russian mob," Seth said, reaching up to rub Peter's shoulders. Peter had never spoken much about his family, had never opened up to Seth like this, not even when they went on their trip together.
Then, it had mostly been Seth talking and Peter nodding, and now Peter was lowering the walls.
"Kitty was correct," Peter said. "I worked for an arms dealer, as an enforcer. In that time, I did kill three men, as I said, but I did not murder them. I was not a hit man, although I have heard Kitty say that, as well. I killed them in self defense, while they were trying to kill me. I did not enjoy it, but I knew that in that situation I had no other choice."
"So you never felt guilty?" Seth asked.
"No," Peter answered bluntly. "They were not good men, and they would have killed me if I did not kill them."
"You make it sound so simple," Seth sighed. "What about the rest?"
"Similar circumstances," Peter answered, glossing over them. "When we were taken by Weapon X, we were forced to kill for others. All of us who were on the team were, or else we would have been killed."
"No one talks about that time," Seth said, trying to soothe Peter. "I'm not trying to pry. I just, I don't know, I feel bad. I know I'm not supposed to, I know I should be proud that we saved the world and we stopped that thing from eating everyone, and that it was self defense, but I still feel bad."
"Why?" Peter asked, trying not to sound judgmental. "I am not saying you should feel a certain way, but if you want to talk, I will listen."
Seth sighed, feeling like a baby. Here Peter had just mentioned the time the whole team had to kill, over and over, out of fear for their lives, and he was all messed up about having to kill one creature to save the whole world.
"Because it was scared," he answered finally, feeling a lump in his throat. "I felt it, when it died. It was inside my head. I thought I could help it, could make it hurt less, because it was so afraid. You guys didn't see it, because it was just like a big monster to all of you, but Jean and I were there, we talked to it. It was from a different part of the galaxy, Peter, where there was nothing but itself, where there were all these other voices, and it came here, and it died alone. It was hurt and scared and confused, and I thought I could take that away, like a, I don't know, a mercy killing, and I did."
Seth blinked, feeling hot tears oozing down his cheeks, and suddenly Peter's fingers were there, gently brushing them away.
"Then you helped it," Peter soothed, rubbing Seth's arms. "You could have left it to die alone, and you made a choice. I am very proud of you."
"I can't believe I'm crying over a giant space monster," Seth sniffled.
"You said yourself that it was not a giant monster to you," Peter said, kissing his cheek.
They were both quiet for a few minutes, both of them leaning into each other, Peter enjoying the holding and Seth enjoying being held. Outside, the sun was finally going down, the sky streaked with orange and red. No one came up to get them for dinner, as if the rest of the house sensed that they needed time alone, and in Seth's room at the end of the empty hallway there was no sound. They were too far away from any of the main rooms of the house for any noise to carry and disturb them, and Seth felt cocooned in Peter's arms.
"You were right, you know," he said finally, turning his head a little to kiss Peter's neck.
"I was?" Peter asked. "About what?"
"About me," Seth answered. He wanted to clear the air, finally, now that they were talking to each other. Things between them had festered for too long, and Seth was just tired of all of it. Maybe he was still shaken up from the afternoon, but he felt like it was time to change a lot of things, and if he and Peter were going to be together then Seth wanted things to be honest between them.
"That you are brave?" Peter asked, kissing his cheek. "That you are a special person? That I think you are beautiful and graceful and strong?"
He punctuated each question with another kiss, his tone light and playful, and Seth felt himself blushing.
"Stop," he squealed, squirming a little. Peter laughed and held him tighter, wrapping one arm around him tightly to hold him in place while he slid his other hand onto Seth's abs, tickling. Seth yelped with laughter, trying to get away, but Peter's grip was like a vise, his arm a stone block that Seth couldn't budge. "Stop! I mean it!"
"All right," Peter answered, stopping suddenly so that he could take Seth's chin in his free hand. Peter turned Seth's face toward his, taking in the bright red flush on his cheeks and the sudden uncertainty in Seth's wide blue eyes, and then he kissed him, hard, almost mashing their faces together. He felt Seth jump, yelping in surprise as Peter's tongue danced into his mouth, and then Seth settled into it, kissing back eagerly. When they finally broke apart Seth's face was still flushed, and his pink lips glistened as he stared at Peter. Peter's own voice was husky and excited when he spoke again. "I meant all of the things I said, Seth. I have never met anyone like you."
"I've never met anyone like you, either, Peter," Seth said, his voice breathy, almost panting. "I need to finish what I was saying, though, please."
Peter caught the shift in Seth's tone, seeing the seriousness settle over his face, and nodded solemnly.
"I promise," Peter said, kissing Seth's forehead. "No more tickling."
"I'm sorry," Seth said, turning sideways so that he could lay his head on Peter's chest.
Peter continued to cradle him, forcing himself not to lean down and kiss him again. He wanted to stay like this forever, to protect Seth from everything and everyone that could ever try to hurt him, but he understood that he needed to let Seth be himself, too. Like Seth, Peter had also had time to think about what had gone wrong between them before, and he knew that in trying to protect Seth and do what was best for him he had also been smothering him. If they were to have a relationship it had to be as equals, something Peter had missed before, mistaking vulnerability for fragility. Seth needed someone to stand with him, not in front of him.
"I was saying that you were right about me," Seth continued, pressing his cheek to the swelling curve of Peter's chest. "When my parents died, and we fought the Brotherhood, we came back here and had that fight, and I swore that you were wrong. You told me that vengeance wasn't really the path that I wanted to take and that it wouldn't make me happy, and you were right. I thought that I could do what I wanted and hit who I wanted and that it would make me feel better, but it won't. It's just going to make me feel empty."
"This is not so terrible a thing to realize about yourself, is it?" Peter asked. "That you are not inclined to hate?"
"It's not," Seth agreed. "But it made me do a lot of stupid things, trying to be that other person, trying to make myself into, I don't know, this angry fighter who could take on the world. You were right. It won't bring my parents back, and it won't make me happy."
"I am sorry," Peter said softly, rubbing Seth's back. He didn't understand why Seth was so agitated, why this should be such a terrible thing to admit, but Seth was actually shaking against him, trembling softly in the darkness filling the room. Seth's body was rigid despite all of Peter's attempts at relaxing him, his arms and shoulders and elbows all sharp angles pressing into Peter's torso. "I do not understand what is wrong. You are upset, and I want to help you."
"I have to tell you something else," Seth said quietly. "And I'm scared to.
I don't know what you're going to do, and the past couple hours, today, I don't want to lose that again. I don't want to lose you again, like we did before."
"Then do not tell me," Peter answered quickly. "I have missed you, Seth. I have missed being together with you like this, talking to you, holding you, and I do not wish to lose it, either."
"We'll lose it anyway if we're not honest," Seth said. "Since I got here I feel like all I've done is react to things, like I've just run from problem to problem, and on top of that I've been so busy being angry and stupid that I've done a lot of stupid things that aren't me. I'm tired of being this, I don't know, this angry moron who just acts without thinking and rushes into the next problem without stopping to fix any. I want to change that, and part of that is taking responsibility for the things that I've said and being honest about the things that I've done. And I know that if I tell you I could fuck things up, but if I don't tell you the same thing will happen."
"What is it?" Peter asked, feeling a little frustrated. "What could you possibly have done that is so terrible?"
"I slept with Scott," Seth blurted, wincing as he heard Peter's sharp intake of breath.
That was it. The secret was out, and now that he'd said it, Seth felt like a tremendous weight was gone. The constant worry that he would say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, that someone would find out, was gone. Seth didn't realize how much keeping the secret was hurting him, smothering him like a heavy blanket, until Jean had mentioned it earlier, when they were about to link minds. He should have known she'd be able to sense that he was hiding something, but now he understood that everyone else could sense that something was off as well. The secret had been a wall around him, a hesitation in all of his interactions with everyone else, and he was tired of it. He was tired of thinking that every time someone wanted to talk to him that it was because they knew, and he was tired of thinking that every whisper in the house was about him and Scott. Now he had let the secret out, and it felt good, but it had probably just cost him Peter.
Seth started to rise, pulling up, but Peter's arm flexed, holding him in place. Seth glanced up at Peter, expecting fury, but saw that Peter's face was carefully blank.
"Peter?" Seth asked, afraid. He couldn't read Peter's expression. Had he lost him? Was Peter angry, and if he was, how would that come out? Was he going to yell? Scream? Would it be at Seth, or at Scott?
"How did this happen?" Peter asked, his voice calm.
"By accident," Seth answered. The secret was out, so he might as well share the whole thing. "It was my power. The night I got here, I was dreaming, and Scott was in the infirmary and he touched me and I kind of, I don't know, it made him feel like we had sex. It was totally an accident, but then he came to me to talk about it, and I guess, I don't know, he liked it, because it happened again. He came to my room and he was, you know, he was hard, and I was so alone here, and he was hot, and we had sex. And yeah, before you say anything, I know it was wrong, and I don't really have a good reason for it except that maybe, I don't know, I'm a slut, but he wanted to and I wanted to, so we did it. And then when he wanted to do it again, I did it again. So there, that's it, that's the terrible thing I didn't want to tell you. You think I'm this great, wonderful person, and really I'm just a whiney slut who slept with his teammate's boyfriend because I was lonely and horny and don't even have a better reason."
"Enough," Peter said sharply. He didn't raise his voice, but his tone was biting, just sharp enough to stop the sudden stream of words tumbling from Seth's mouth. Seth waited, afraid to move or speak, afraid of what Peter would say next. When Peter finally did speak, Seth was stunned at his response. "Do you know where I was the night you were hurt? The night that the soldiers came and you were injured and we had that fight in the infirmary?"
"No," Seth answered, shaking his head. "I mean, I know you went to the city, and you had a bar stamp on your hand, but I didn't use my power on you like you thought I did, I mean, not on purpose."
"I know," Peter said, rubbing Seth's back again. "I knew then, too, but you are not the only one who does stupid things out of anger."
"If you knew I didn't do it on purpose, why were you angry?" Seth asked. Was he not going to say anything at all about Scott?
"I was not angry at you, but at myself," Peter answered. "I knew that you had accidentally triggered your power, because you were tired and upset, and I was worried that you would sense what I had done that night, and where I had been."
"I didn't," Seth said, shrugging. "I didn't catch any of it."
"I know," Peter said. "I can see it on your face. What you said before, about acting out and not being yourself, I did the same thing after the mission you and I went on. You slept with Scott, and I, well. I am not proud to admit this, but I do not know who I slept with."
"Huh?" Seth blurted.
"I went out to clubs on our nights off," Peter explained. "In the city. If a man expressed interest in me, I acted on it. I thought that it would take my mind off of you. You were so near, but you and I could not seem to speak to each other. We argued, and you were angry, and I was angry, and I thought that I could lose that anger in other men, but they were not what I wanted. I was trying not to face that, but the night you were hurt I realized that it was not working."
"Why are you telling me this?" Seth asked, looking up into Peter's face.
"I am telling you that neither of us is perfect," Peter said, kissing Seth's forehead again. "Both of us have acted stupidly, and have done things that we should not do. I cannot be mad at you for Scott unless I allow you to be mad at me for the others. You have said we should be honest with each other, so I am being honest. I am not happy that you slept with Scott, but I am not happy with what I have done, either."
Seth shifted, sliding his arms around Peter, and Peter responded by hugging Seth tightly to his chest.
"So, what do we do now?" Seth asked. He couldn't believe that Peter wasn't going to rage out about this. Maybe things really would be different this time.
"That is up to you," Peter answered. "I would like for us to be together, but I would like for you to make your own decision. You say that you are tired of just reacting and of not thinking. What do you think we should do?"
Seth raised an eyebrow, still caught a little off guard by Peter's lack of explosion.
"I think I'd like to ask you, Peter, if you'd be my boyfriend," Seth answered, kissing Peter on the cheek. "I think we should stop sleeping with other people, and stop fighting so much, and just be honest with each other from here on out. If you don't like something I do, tell me. If I'm pissed at you, I'll tell you, but I want us to talk it out instead of screaming at each other and stomping around the house."
Peter thought about it for a moment, and then nodded.
"I believe this is a good idea," he said finally.
"I guess I should tell Scott we're not, you know, hooking up anymore," Seth said, shrugging.
Peter smiled, and leaned in to kiss Seth again. It was a long, slow kiss, with Peter's hands sliding up and down Seth's back and Seth rubbing Peter's chest, cupping his pec appreciatively. When Peter pulled back, Seth let out a soft whimpering noise, and Peter smiled.
"I believe that can wait until the morning," Peter whispered, and then he kissed Seth again.
To be continued.